Personality Test

Personality Test (What's your role?)

SERVER: Do you believe soybeans and dildos are both meat substitutes?; If you're a male, do prison inmates whistle at you and call you "bitch?"; While waiting for the most important call of your life, does the phone finally ring, but it's only a salesman trying to sell you a cemetery plot?; After making love to your spouse, do you accidentally blurt out "would you like fries with that?"; Do you have "over one million served" tatooed between your legs?; Are there a pair of cushioned pads surgically sewn to your kneecaps?; Do you swallow?; Picture this if you will...you're a single, white female, attracted to a man named Biff. You live for his bad poetry, his chronic phlegm, the smell of toilet water on his breath, and his poorly fitted Little Caesar's uniform...your life is now downtrodden and sad, and you have just stepped into...THE SERVER ZONE.
PRIEST: Have you ever fantasized about the Spanish Inquisition?; Has anyone ever accused you of trying to place a mysterious green pod in their bedroom closet?; Do you have a replica of Stonehenge in your backyard?; Is your favorite cologne called "Brimstone?"; Do you insist on signing your name in sacrificial blood?; Would you be surprised if Dr. Mengele was your task companion?; Are you no longer phased by young girls who spew split-pea soup and spin their heads around like a top?; Do you presently have the skull of a medieval monk cradled under your arm?
ARTISAN: Do you braid your armpit hair and bead your teeth?; Have you ever been so preoccupied with a project that your bladder exploded?; Do you occasionally pull out a Slim Whitman tape and yodel naked?; Is your favorite pickup line: Take off your clothes, I want to draw you?; Have you ever tried to play connect the dots using the roadkill along the highway?; Given your love for influencing the mood or flavor of what's occurring, are you the one who secretly farts in the crowded elevator?; Is Origami your reason for existence?; Have you ever had the cornea in your eyeballs pierced so that you could hang decorative ornaments from the bleeding sockets?
SAGE: Do you have enough mirrors above your bed to make a French aristocrat jealous?; Do you not only get in the last word, but the last 5000?; Generally speaking, are you generally speaking?; Do you talk loudly in crowded restaurants abour your "irritable bowel syndrome?"; Have you ever had a conversation without cue cards?; Do you talk so much that the only place you're invited is outside?; Have you ever accosted professional athletes by repeatedly shouting at them, "Uh, oh, Spaghetti-O's" until they punched you in the face?; For the sake of dramatic flair, do you take a baton into a public restroom and attempt to conduct the bowel movements of others?
WARRIOR: Have you ever had kennel cough, ring worm, or mange?; Can you crush more than 20 beer cans against your forehead?; Is there anything you haven't drooled on?; Have you ever received a concussion from the repeated trauma of toilet seats falling on your head?; Are your table manners best described as "simian?"; When you excuse yourself to use the restroom, do you say to your guests, "Pardon me, but I must shake hands with an old friend?"; Do you only buy socks with detailed instructions?; Were you ever fired from a Roach motel for eating the tenets?
KING: Have you ever fantasized about kicking the shit out of Richard Simmons on national TV?; Do grassy knowls cause you to break into a cold sweat?; Have you ever dated Marilyn Monroe?; Do you enjoy backdoor procreation?; For maximum efficiency, did you have air bags installed in the headboard of your bed?; Do you take over small, defensless countries as a hobby?; Do bra-less, geriatric females from the Varicose Vein institute follow you around and insist on anoiting your feet with raw veal?; Do you sneeze and instantly draw a crowd of disciples, who inform you that they have obedient, and pulsating colons?
SCHOLARS: Are you tediously dull in person, too?; Is your nose turned up so high that when you sneeze you blow your hat off?; Do you have the collective charm of a white, encrusted pimple that's bloated and ready to jettison?; Is your idea of entertainment exploring the revelations found on a Denny's menu?; Have you ever pumped 30,000 gallons of grapefruit juice into a cow for no other reason than to see how long it would rain bits of mangled flesh and cow shit on your house?; Do you argue with your dentist that the gravitational pull of your fillings are interfering with your ability to score with the babes?; Have you ever smoked pot while watching camels do it, and then documented the insights derived from the experience?; Is your anti-septic lifestory listed in medical journals as a safe and sane substitute for the Kervorkian machine?

Please look over your answers and be sure one group has more checks than the others. If two or more groups have the same number of checked boxes, please read those statements again and change your answers so that one group has more checks. Remember, you are looking for who you truly are, rather than who you think you should be.