The Following Is A Partial List Of Actual Written Excuses Given To Teachers In The Alburquerque Public School System By Parents Of Students
1. Dear School: Please excuse John from being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
2. Please excuse Dianne from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
3. Please excuse Johnnie for being. It was his father's fault.
4. Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side.
5. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.
6. Excuse Gloria. She has been under the doctor.
7. Lillie was absent from school yesterday because she had a going over.
8. My son is under the doctor's care and should not take fizical ed. Please execute him.
9. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hit in the growing part.
10. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent this weekend with the Marines.
11. Please excuse Joyce from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday she fell off a tree and misplaced her hip.
12. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
13. Maryann was absent Dec. 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low-grade fever. There must be the flu going around, her father even got hot last night.
14. Please excuse Blanche from jim today. She is administrating.
15. George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach.
16. Ralph was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout.
17. Please excuse Sara for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
18. Please excuse Lupe. She is having problems with her ovals.
19. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diah (*crossed out*), diahoah(*crossed out*), dyah(*crossed out*) the shits.
The Following Is From A 1950s Home Economics Textbook Intended For High School Girls, Teaching How To Prepare For Married Life.
1. Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal - on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.
2. Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.
3. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives , gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too.
4. Prepare the children: Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.
5. Minimize the noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him.
Some DON'TS:
6. Don't greet him with problems or complaints.
7. Make him comfortable: Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.
8. Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.
9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his need to be home and relax.
10. The Goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can relax.
************** Now the updated version for the '90s woman. ***************
1. Have dinner ready: Make reservations ahead of time. If your day becomes too hectic just leave him a voice mail message regarding where you'd like to eat and at what time. This lets him know that your day has been crappy and gives him an opportunity to change your mood.
2. Prepare yourself: A quick stop at the "LANCOME" counter on your way home will do wonders for your outlook and will keep you from becoming irritated every time he opens his mouth. (Don't forget to use his credit card!)
3. Clear away the clutter: Call the housekeeper and tell her that any miscellaneous items left on the floor by the children can be placed in the Goodwill box in the garage.
4. Prepare the children: Send the children to their rooms to watch television or play nintendo.
5. Minimize the noise: If you happen to be home when he arrives, be in the bathroom with the door locked.
6. Some DON'TS: Don't greet him with problems and complaints. Let him speak first, and then your complaints will get more attention and remain fresh in his mind throughout dinner. Don't complain if he's late for dinner; simply remind him that the leftovers are in the refrigerator and you left the dishes for him to do.
7. Make him comfortable: Tell him where he can find a blanket if he's cold. This will really show you care.
8. Listen to him: But don't ever let him get the last word.
9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment; go with a friend or go shopping (use his credit card).
10. The Goal: Try to keep things amicable without reminding him that he only thinks the world revolves around him.
Married Men
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend. The woman replied, "A billionaire."
"The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it."
The groom, upon his engagement, went to his father and said, "I've found a woman just like mother!" His father replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nights, and so does she.
During a heated spat over finances the husband said, "Well, if you'd learn to cook and were willing to clean this place, we could fire the maid." The wife, fuming, shot back, "Oh yeah??? Well, if you'd learn how to make love, we could fire the chauffeur and the gardener." (uh oh)
Personally, I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and father, I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.
We have a young couple in the neighborhood who are truly inseparable. Last week, it took four Howard County Policemen and a dog.
According to the latest surveys, when making love, most married men fantasize that their wives aren't fantasizing.
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.
A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."
A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants, provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, "OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death."
How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, I wouldn't be here."
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
With the holidays fast approaching you SHOULD consider the following recipe.
Fruitcake Recipe
You'll need the following:
1 C water
1 C sugar
4 large eggs
2 C dried fruit
1 tsp. baking soda
1 tsp. salt
1 C brown sugar
lemon juice
nuts
1 FULL bottle of your favorite whiskey
Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again to be sure that it is of the highest quality.
Pour 1 level cup and drink. Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer, beat 1 C of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add 1 tsp sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whiskey is still OK. Cry another tup.
Turn off the mixerer.
Break two legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Mix on the turnerer.
If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something. Who care.
Check the whiskey.
Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.
Grease the oven.
Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.
Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Throw the bowl out of the window.
Check the whiskey again. Go to bed.
Who the heck likes druitcake anyway.....
If Women Ran The World...
- A man would no longer be considered a "good catch" simply because he is breathing.
- Medical research money would be spent on developing new birth control methods for men.
- Women with cold hands would give men prostate exams.
- Baby-sitting, doing dishes and making beds would be considered "Macho".
- Men would be forced to purchase overpriced clothes every season.
-Minnie Mouse would get equal billing with Mickey.
- Fewer women would be dieting because the ideal weight standard would increase by 40 pounds.
- Overweight men would be encouraged to wear girdles.
- PMS would be a legitimate defense in court.
- Men would come with papers showing their true identity, marital and employment status, if they live with their mother, and whether they have had their shots.
- Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity.
- Men would get reputations for sleeping around.
- "Ms.Magazine" would have an annual swimsuit issue featuring scantily clad male models.
-Men who designed women's shoes would be forced to wear them.
- Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of bedtime.
- Men would be as attentive AFTER marriage as they were before.
- Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard for none of the credit.
- Little girls would read "Snow White and the Seven Hunks".
- Men would earn 70 cents for every dollar women make.
- Men would bring drinks, chips and dip to women who are watching soap operas.
- Men would HAVE to get Playboy for the articles, because there would be no pictures.
- Men would learn phrases like: I'm sorry, I love you, You're beautiful, of course you don't look fat in that outfit, Go to sleep--I'll take care of the baby, etc.
- Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their accomplishments.
- Men would sit around and wonder what WE are thinking.
- All toilet seats would be nailed down.
- All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator.
- Men would have their wedding rings permanently attached so they can't pretend to be single.
- During mid-life crisis, men would get hot-flashes & women would date 19-year-old boys.
- After a baby is born, men would take a six-week paternity leave to wait on their wives hand and foot.
- For basic training, soldiers would have to take care of a two-year old for six weeks.
- A female employee would be noticed for her work performance, not her bra size.
- Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding wedding rings in their pockets.
The Warning Signs Of Insanity
-Your friends tell you that you have been acting strange lately, and then you hit them several times with a sledgehammer.
-Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of places that you wouldn't expect tentacles to be growing from.
-You start out each morning with a 30-minute jog around the bathroom.
-You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.
-Every time you see a street sign, you have a tremendous urge to relieve yourself on it.
-You wear your boxers on your head because you heard it will ward of evil dandruff spirits.
-You're always having to apologize to your next door neighbor for setting fire to his lawn decorations.
-Every commercial you hear on the radio reminds you of death.
-People stay away from you whenever they hear you howl.
-Your breath smells more and more like squirrel dung each passing day.
-You laugh out loud during funerals.
-When your doctor tells you to say ah, you yell out "RAPE! RAPE!"
-Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you through that scuba mask.
-You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one day seek revenge.
-You have meaningful conversations with your toaster. (Conversations with MY toaster are never meaningless)
-Your father pretends you don't exist, just to play along with your little illusion.
-You collect dead windowsill flies.
-Everytime the phone rings, you shout, "Hey! An angel just got its wings!"
-You like cats. Especially with mayo.
-You scream "I've got a knife!" to people who try to sell you things.
-You scream "I've got a knife!" to people at your family reunion.
-You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island, because they weren't rescued.
-You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch.
-Whenever you listen to the radio, the music sounds backwards.
-You have a predominant fear of fabric softener.
-You wake up each morning and find yourself sitting on your head in the middle of your front lawn.
-Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on it, and you tell him it's for security reasons.
-Melba toast excites you.
-When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another room to tell him, because "the napkins have ears."
-You tend to agree with everything your mother's dead uncle tells you.
-Every time you see the commercial for the Hair Club For Men, you think to yourself, "I think I'll kill the pope today."
-You call up random people and ask if you can borrow their dog, just for a few minutes.
-Your main goal in life is to become the president of Bulemia.
-Nearly everything you say involves the word, "P-toing!"
-You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a koala or to be loved by an infectious disease.
-You like to sit in cornfields for long periods of time, pretending you're a stalk.
-You think that exploding wouldn't be so bad, once you got used to it.
-You try to make a list of the Warning Signs of Insanity. (cough)
-People offer you help, but you unfortunately interpret this as a violation of your rights as a boysenberry.
Kids Perspectives on Marriage and Dating
What Exactly Is Marriage??
"Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give her back to her parents!" - Eric, 6
When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, 'I'll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced, but you got to do one particular thing for me.' Then she says yes, but she's wondering what the thing is and whether it's naughty or not. She can't wait to find out." - Anita, 9
How Does a Person Decide Whom to Marry??
"You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one." - Kally, 9
My mother says to look for a man who is kind....That's what I'll do....I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome." - Carolyn, 8
Concerning the Proper Age to Get Married.
"Eighty-four! Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom." - Carolyn, 8
"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife!" - Bert, 5
How Did Your Mom and Dad Meet??
"They were at a dance party at a friend's house. Then they went for a drive, but their car broke down.... It was a good thing, because it gave them a chance to find out about their values." - Lottie, 9
"My father was doing some strange chores for my mother. They won't tell me what kind." - Jeremy, 8
What Do Most People Do on a Date??
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." - Martin, 10
"Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love." - Craig, 9
When Is It Okay to Kiss Someone??
"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." - Allan, 10
"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you....If nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." - Kally, 9
The Great Debate: Is It Better to Be Single or Married??
"You should ask the people who read Cosmopolitan!" - Kirsten, 10
"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them!" - Anita, 9
"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." - Will, 7