This is untrue. You can be perfectly happy and healthy and single. This is much preferable to being in a relationship that is unhealthy, abusive, or just plain not right for you. When you get to that point, you'll be free...and able to form a decent, healthy relationship with someone. But even if you get involved with someone, you'll know that at any time you can walk...and still be happy. That means that every day, every week, every month that you stay with the person is a choice you make for your happiness...not a choice against the pain of being alone, which isn't that bad after all.

2. You must be reasonably healthy emotionally. Every last one of us has quirks, idiosyncracies, and issues that just set us off and push our buttons. And that's OK. What I'm talking about are issues that prevent us from having fulfilling relationships. And we always know what they are, despite the fact that we try to blame the other person for why a relationship went belly up. Maybe you need to see a counselor, or read a book on relationships, or sometimes just being totally honest with yourself helps. Once you freely admit what the problem is, you can work on fixing it.

3. The two most important things for a relationship: compatibility and relationship skills. Have you ever watched any of those stupid dating shows on late night TV? It seems that all the guys want someone who's "hot," and all the women want a successful guy. And oh yes, he must be "hot," too. Do you really think a relationship built on an exchange of goods and services is going to be successful? These people probably have several failed relationships under their belts which they attribute to the fact that the last peson wasn't hot enough for them. And what about romantic books and movies where the two people are totally opposite and have nothing in common, but they believe that love conquers all? Not bloody likely.

Yeah, sure, you have to like the way the person looks. That's a given. But a person doesn't have to be the most beautiful person in the world for you to like his or her looks. Once it's established that you don't find the person repugnant, you need compatibility and relationship skills for this relationship to go anywhere.

No two people are going to be 100% compatible. There's always going to be some compromise involved. But the more compatible you are, the fewer compromises you have to make. And the fewer compromises you make, the smoother everything goes. And you get more of what you want. After all, compromise involves giving up some or all of what you want to accommodate the other person. A little compromise shows that you love and care for the other person. A lot of compromise just produces tension and resentment.

And relationship skills are what keep a relationship going. You can be very compatible with someone, but when a difficulty arises (which it will, believe me), is he able to talk about it reasonably, or does he demand that he get his way? Does she tell you when she's upset with you, or does she clam up and withhold sex for a week? Relationship skills are hard to get. Most of us had parents who were scraping by, relationship-wise, and didn't impart any skills to us. You may need a good book or therapist to tell you how you're supposed to behave when things aren't going swimmingly. You'll be able to learn things like how to express your feelings, how to negotiate and compromise, and how to relate so that you build up your partner's self-esteem as well as your own.

4. There are good men/women out there. Yeah, it seems that when you've dated one loser after another, the only conclusion that you can draw is that there are no good men/women left, but trust me: there are. You have to get to a point where you believe this, otherwise you'll drive all the good ones away. In fact, if you only date losers and you don't have any interest whatsoever in the nice ones who come your way, that could be your problem that you have to work on. See number 2 above.

5. If at first you don't succeed, try again.This is also sometimes referred to as "you gotta kiss a lot of frogs to find a prince." If you date someone for a while and it doesn't work out, find another person. Just because you want to find Mr. and Ms. Right doesn't mean it'll happen immediately. Use every failed relationship as a learning experience.

6. If you're not improving, get help.This is corollary to the previous one. Each successive person you date should get you closer to your goal. Your dates should get progressively more compatible, you should be acting in a healthier way in each relationship, etc. If you're dating the same person in different clothing, then you probably aren't experiencing any personal growth and need to get help.

7. There should be no power struggle. The basic premise underlying a relationship is that there are two equals, or peers coming together. Without that, there isn't much hope of a good relationship. This isn't a boss/employee relationship, a parent/child relationship, or a mentor/protege relationship. This is a romantic relationship. This doesn't mean that each of you is equal in terms of abilities, skills, intelligence or any other standard of measurement you can think of. It means that you are each entitled to equal consideration, that each of your feelings are important and you each deserve respect and consideration, and neither of you is superior as a human being.

Now, there is another aspect of power that needs mention. Sometimes in a relationship, people are afraid to express their feelings for fear of losing "the upper hand" or of giving away any power. This isn't good. I know that it's scary sometimes to let someone know how you feel about him or her. You're very vulnerable. He could reject you. She could leave. He could tell you that he doesn't feel the same way. But you need approach it from a position of trying to maintain closeness and intimacy, and not from a position of gaining or keeping some nebulous power in the relationship.

8. Be yourself. One of the first things you do when starting a relationship is determine compatibility. How are you going to determine that if you aren't yourself? Sometimes you may think, "Oh, she wouldn't like me if she knew I was into that/liked that type of music/believed this theory." Well, if that's the case, you want to know that sooner, rather than later. Remember, your goal at the beginning of a relationship is not to preserve the relationship at all costs. Your goal is to determine compatibility. If the compatibility isn't there, then you walk. Don't forget number 1 above.

9. Take responsibility for yourself, your happiness, and getting what you want. Being in a relationship can bring us great happiness. But our partner's job is not to make us happy. We are each responsible for our own happiness. Get to know yourself. Find out what you absolutely need in a relationship, what you would like, and what you will not tolerate. Once you know what you need to be happy, you'll better be able to ask for it and go out and get it. And your significant other is not a mind reader. When you're highly compatible, sometimes it seems as if the other person is clued in to your wants and needs. And that's great. But if you want something that your partner isn't giving you, ask for it. Just because you had to ask for it, doesn't make it less valid. Sometimes your wants will change from day to day. Maybe yesterday you didn't want your face caressed. Maybe today you do. So ask for it. That's the only way you're going to get your face caressed.

10. Act like a person with high self esteem. I'm sure that I can't be the only person in the world with low self-esteem. It's epidemic in our culture. People with low self-esteem behave differently than people with high self-esteem. Sometimes they do self-destructive things, like mess up a good relationship. One of the best pieces of advice I ever received was to act as if I had high self-esteem. So whenever I encountered a situation that I was unsure about, I would ask myself, "What would a person with high self-esteem do in this situation?" And then I would do it. It doesn't matter if it feels foreign or fake. It will until you do it enough times. It feels perfectly normal to walk, doesn't it? Do you think it felt that way when you were 10 months old? Of course not. But keep at it. It will pay off.

11. Communicate, communicate, communicate. Human beings relate by communicating, both verbally and non-verbally. You couldn't go through one single day without communicating, unless you managed to stay away from people entirely (and never opened your mail). That's the nature of being human.

Harking back to number 5, sometimes people don't communicate exactly what they're feeling in order to maintain some power or control over the other person. Usually, it's fear of rejection that hinders people. But you need to communicate in order to maintain a relationship. Tell your partner how you feel about him or her...all the good things. Tell her when you're upset. Tell him you love it when he does that one thing, and tell him (tactfully) that you don't really care for the other thing. Things can be talked out and worked out. Every difficulty doesn't automatically spell disaster for the relationship...but holding it all inside just might. Even holding in all the nice things can be bad. Imagine not ever knowing that your partner loves your crooked smile, or that she loves the way you laugh.

Figure out how you and your partner communicate love. What says love to each of you? A touch, a kind word, an act of service, a gift? When you know how to speak your partners language, and when you can tell him what language you're speaking in, then you will always know how to tell your partner that you love him in a way he understands. And that's the nicest kind of communication.

12. It's OK for things to go poorly sometimes. Relationships are made up of individual people. And the last time I checked, people weren't perfect. Sometimes people can love us and still hurt our feelings. Sometimes they say stupid things and do stupid things. Sometimes they act so selfishly, we wonder if they forgot we were around. And let's admit, sometimes we do the same to them. That doesn't mean, however, that the relationship is on its last legs. It just means that we messed up. We said the wrong thing, so we apologize. We neglected to do something we promised, so we apologize.

Now there are some things that are unforgivable, like physical abuse, emotional abuse, or mental abuse. In a case like that, you need to get the hell out of the relationship. And for things like cheating and affairs, you might have to make a hard decision about whether to leave or stay and work it out.

But for everyday disappointments and hurt feelings, you just pick yourself up, accept the apology, strive to do better next time, and get on with it. Love does not mean never having to say you're sorry. If anything, love means having to say you're sorry over and over and over again.