Conflict Between Parents and Teenagers
If you need to ask... How can I get along with family members better? I can't stand it anymore. How can I get out of my house? How can I stop my parents from fighting? What can I do about my parents' divorce? How can I get over missing someone who moved away? or died? Or any other questions... Here are some answers:
Teenagers today face a different world than their parents did at their age. Change is rapid in an increasingly complex and impersonal society. Alcohol and drugs are easily available and AIDS, violence and uncertain job prospects add to the stress level.
Unfortunately, this happens to teenagers in a family just when parents begin to face the issues and pressures of mid-life. While teens are thinking of the time and opportunities ahead, parents are thinking about the remaining time and opportunities which are diminishing.
Teens are struggling towards independence and self-control as they gradually acquire more personal power while their parents are realizing and confronting their own limitations. No wonder power struggles often ensue. With the added impact of the emotional turmoil which can accompany physiological and sexual maturation, these power struggles can become very intense.
Divorce It happens.
It isn't quick, easy, or painless, but sometimes divorce is the only solution. Sometimes parents are so caught up in their own pain, they forget yours. To put it simple: It stinks! You Love Both Mom and Dad. Now you feel you have to choose. STOP RIGHT THERE! YOU Don't!!!! Your parents should not put you in the middle. They should not bad mouth each other to you. If your parents are doing this to you, ask them to stop. Here are some links to help you help your parents understand their actions. (Make sure you bookmark this site before leaving) Getting your children through Divorce
Anger Caused By Divorce
"I'm Really Angry At My Parents!"
It might seem to you that your parents are acting like little kids. Fighting with each other. Being really self centered and not caring about your needs.
Make sure you don't get sucked into their disagreements or fights. What's going on between them is between them! If they try to get you to take sides you might have to say to them, "I am not going to get involved with this!"
Give Yourself Some Distance.
Don't let either parent "confide" in you. Or dis the other parent to you. Their divorce is not the only thing going on in the world, and you may need to retreat to your own space, away from their stuff. It might be harder now to focus on other things, but you need to try to find healthy ways to release some of the stress you may be experiencing. Check out ways other teens cope...
Need to Talk?
Many people find it helps to talk to someone outside the family about the difficulty and stress of their situation. Lots of family therapists, counselors, and mental health professionals specialize in the issues around divorce and family transitions. Sometimes the outside opinion and support they give can help you understand your unique situation and help you make choices that work best for you
Siblings (resources by Talk City) Brothers and sisters. Half, step, or whole! Always bossing, teasing, whining, or just being a pain in the butt. What is all the screaming about?
You're jealous of each other.
(Hey, we didn't make this up! It's been true since the dawn of Time.)
"You get more attention/love/allowance/freedom than me!"
"I do not!"
"You do too!"
"It's not fair! You always get what you want."
"Do not!"
"Do too!"
Enough already!
Let's get off the roller coaster and learn to live with our sibs.
Conflict Resolution Strategies (Custom built for teens and their sibs from the Conflict Resolution "ToolKit" see below) It's normal for siblings to disagree and fight. After all you have to share everything - your home, your bathroom, your parents, the telephone, the car. Everything! And of course, there are tons of other issues....like:
Whose sweatshirt is that? Who is supposed to do the dishes tonight? Who always gets the front seat?
One of you may be older, bigger, stronger, or smarter, but that doesn't matter when it comes to resolving conflicts fairly. Because you were little kids together and got used to acting certain ways with each other you have to work very hard to break the pattern of blaming each other and... stop acting like little kids!!!
Why Should You?
Because resolving conflicts with siblings prepares you for dealing with other people in the rest of your life.
What To Do? Break the negative patterns!
Step #1 - Only use "I feel" statements. Instead of using phrases like: "You always do this to me...", or "You never let me... ", use "I feel" statements like: "I feel frustrated when you slam the door in my face." or "I feel really jealous when you get to stay out later than me!"
This will end the blaming/defensive dance many sibs do.
Step # 2 - Listen. Sit down and really listen to each other without interrupting, questioning, or interpreting. Make sure that you both get to tell your entire story. Then ask yourself these questions:
What could you have done differently? What would you like to do next time? Step # 3 - Brainstorm. Work together figuring out ways to handle the problem. Take turns coming up with ideas. Set time limits. Treat your sib the way you'd like to be treated. (Believe it or not, he/she is a person, too!) Step #4 - Cool off. Sometimes when sibs are angry they get physical with each other. Control your impulse to hit, push, or use any physical force against your sibling. You may be thinking, "But we always do this!" Maybe you do... but it isn't working. Violence never does.
So cool off before you try to "talk" to your sibling. Use the breathing, focusing exercise described in Conflict Resolution "ToolKit." When you are more in control and feel centered you will express yourself more clearly and be a better listener.
Remember
You are both entitled to:
your opinions
your chance to be heard
your desire to get what you want.
Conflict Resolution Toolkit (Secret weapons for handling People Problems)
Everyone has their own ideas about what they like, and don't like. Sometimes (okay... often) ideas and people clash and you've got a conflict.
Conflict resolution means: "clearing up problems between people" and it's not that hard. When you want to resolve a conflict so everyone feels they've been treated fairly all you need are these hi-powered "tools"....
Cooling off Listening Using "I feel" statements Figuring out your part
Tool #1 - Cooling Off
Each of us has a different "boiling" point. Know yourself well enough to chill out when you need to. If you're ready to explode at someone, take time out from the argument and breathe. (A simple activity but helpful for life on this planet.)
Focus on your breath as it goes in and out.
Close your eyes.
Relax.
You may think more clearly after "centering" yourself. Physically removing yourself from the person who is pissing you off may help calm you down. A walk around the block or even around your room may work. Once you feel calmer it's easier to resolve the conflict. "Calming down" doesn't mean you should try to bottle up your anger. If your anger is a car, then calming down is a way of being "in the drivers seat" instead of just going along for the ride.
Another reason you need to calm down is that sometimes out of control anger causes physically violent or emotionally hurtful behavior. You'll also be in a much better position to talk to the person who made you angry if you're not screaming! They will also be more likely to listen.
Tool # 2 - Listening Skills
Most of us don't really listen to other people when they talk because we're too wrapped up in thinking about what we want to say. But unless both people are listening, you can't resolve a conflict. To really HEAR what someone is saying, you have to clear your mind of all the other things going on and be there with the other person..
You say you do listen when other people talk?
Cool. But just for fun why not test yourself? Go up to someone you know and say: "What's up?" Are you really listening to what they say? Or are you thinking about what you're going to say as soon as when they stop talking?
Practice listening. Sit down with a friend and for 60 seconds really listen while they talk to you. Don't interrupt. Don't judge or analyze. Don't say anything!! Just listen.........
How did it feel to really focus on what someone is saying? Ask them to do the same for you for one minute and see how it feels to have someone really listening to you!
Tool #3 - Using "I feel" statements
Saying how you feel really improves communication. Most of us don't do that. Instead we focus on what we don't like about something someone did. Suppose you and your sister are fighting over who gets to use the phone. You scream at her: "You always hog the phone! You never give me my messages."
Chances are she'll scream right back at you and nothing will get resolved. Sound familiar?
Now let's try something different. Instead of: "You always..." or "You never...", use "I feel" statements. You might say: "I feel like you don't respect me or my friendships when you don't give me my messages, or let me use the phone."
Since you're talking about your feelings (not verbally attacking your sister) she probably won't yell back at you. After you've had your say, LISTEN to what she says about the way she feels. Then you can move on from there. Think about how this might change what happens next if you remember to use this tool. It could totally change your relationship with your sister!
Important Note: You can't use "I feel" statements when you don't know how you feel about something. But if you practice thinking and talking in "I feel" statements you'll start knowing more about your feelings.
Tool # 4 - Figuring out your part in a conflict
It's always easier seeing what the other guy contributed to a conflict than thinking about what you did or said. So we have to learn to figure our personal responsibility in any situation. Ask yourself these questions:
What did you do or say that got the other person angry?
What could you have done differently?
What might you do differently next time? This isn't about blame, so don't beat yourself up. It's about understanding your behavior and finding more effective ways to disagree with other people and resolve conflicts!
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