surviving a survivor

how to help without feeling helpless (or going crazy)

if you're here reading this, thank you. i know how uncomfortable this subject can be, and how unpleasant it is to address when, truthfully, what we'd really like to do is go back to sleep or shrug it off or turn the t.v. on.

i mean, let's face it: your friend just told you s/he was sexually assaulted, and you don't know how to react. you're halfway tempted to laugh, just to ease the tension you can feel emanating from her/his shivering shoulders and folded arms tight across the chest. you're also halfway tempted to cry. or to go at the punching bag until your knuckles feel like one big bruise. you don't know what to do, and really, there's nothing you can do, right?

wrong.

believe it or not, you can help, in many ways. i'm going to write out a list of ways people have helped me in the past -- and ways they haven't but i wish they had. of course, much of this list will be purely personal. when dealing with a blurry, scary subject like sexual assault, it's hard to have absolutes. use this list as a guideline, if you like. as you spend more time with the survivor -- your friend/partner/spouse/sibling -- you can add to this list, or discard things that didn't work for you, or with which you disagree.

1. first and foremost, listen. listen. listen. listen. listen. i know, i had to start with the hard stuff. listening means you don't interrupt, you let your friend tell her story in her own words. don't finish sentences for her. don't say things like "but don't you think maybe he just misunderstood you?" (*sheesh*) don't play devil's advocate. let her cry. let her scream. let her stand up and pace around the room. sit still and listen. don't pull her close in the middle of a sentence and say, "come on, let me just give you a hug." it's a nice gesture, but ill-timed; hugs can feel like another violation, an invasion of her personal space. many survivors are extremely sensitive to touch, and part of their healing process includes re-establishing boundaries and making rules about when and how it is o.k. for people to touch them. don't try to "see the bright side." don't ask things like, "did you scream?" or "why didn't you call the police?" these are very invalidating questions. remember, you are listening. hear her story. get it settled in your mind. let her speak. ask questions later.

2. ask how he wants you to help. you've heard your roommate talk about those horrible visits to uncle bob's house. take a minute and try to figure out why he chose to tell you about it. since rape and sexual assault are typically construed as crimes against women, they are often, inaccurately, lumped under the larger heading of "women's issues." it happens to men too, and their speaking out may be ever more painful and take even longer. if the assault just happened, ask how he wants to proceed. does he want to speak with authorities? offer to go to the police with him. are you a college student? suggest talking with the university police: after all, if the assault happened on campus, it will fall under their jurisdiction first anyway. also, frequently, colleges and universities have rape crisis centers or education programs associated with the police department. if he doesn't want to go to the police, don't force him, and don't make character judgments. you might say something like "i understand your reluctance, but if you report this, you might feel stronger about it." don't say "if you don't report it, he'll just do it to someone else." many survivors already feel a great deal of guilt as it is; don't add to it, no matter how crucial you think it is to file an official report. police are notorious for unravelling survivors' stories and for behaving in totally inappropriate ways when victims of sexual assault come forward. some people have compared the police-report experience, followed by the court experience (if it even gets that far), as "another rape." remember, you're trying to help your friend. you're on his side. don't make choices for him; someone already did that, and that's why he's talking to you now.

if the assault happened a long time in the past, reporting may not be an option. but recovering certainly is. your friend may feel ashamed, for speaking of something so degrading and humiliating; he may fear you will tell other people or jump to conclusions about what this means about his personality or sexual preferences. tell him you understand he feels afraid. ask him if he'd like to talk to a counselor or a crisis hotline. offer to look up the number for him. find out if there is a support group for survivors in your area (again, if you're on a campus, there usually are). if he says no to all of these, ask how he'd feel about reading a book about other people who have gone through the same things. or looking at a web site (hint, hint). sometimes people who are not willing or ready to speak out loud about their experiences will feel much more at ease with a book. i recommend the courage to heal, by ellen bass and laura davidson. it comes with a workbook full of exercises and positive approaches to try. sometimes, a survivor won't want to do any of these things. that's o.k. everyone works at his own pace. maybe all your friend needed was to tell someone, tell you. be proud of yourself for "being there" for him. you may well be the first person who's ever done even that much. and if he refuses all your offers of further help, it can be quite easy to feel helpless, or like you've wasted your time. you haven't. all that information you just offered him has found its place in his memory, and when he's ready to follow those suggestions, he will be able to think back on the day he told you and remember what you said. i'm not going to tell you "don't get frustrated with him," because well, (a) your feelings are your feelings and if you're frustrated you're frustrated, and (b) i've certainly frustrated (and been frustrated by) my share of friends. just take a few deep breaths and remind yourself you've done what you can, for the moment.

3. know your own limits. by which i mean, when your girlfriend calls you weeping for the third time in two days and won't let you come over and won't drive to your house and won't call a crisis line and won't get out of bed and won't go to class and won't eat and can't sleep ... unless you are a licensed therapist, this just might be out of your depth. don't be hard on yourself. it's totally acceptable to feel overwhelmed by someone else's sadness. but these are symptoms of something deeper going on, and you probably don't have the knowledge or training to tackle that. things you can do in situations like this: tell her you appreciate her trust and confidence in you, but you don't know how to help her. tell her, firmly but kindly, you care for her but you are not a counselor, and she may be just doing herself more harm by laying everything on you instead of seeking proper help and treatment. obviously, there are degrees of gravity when a survivor starts falling completely apart like this. it may be just a really, really bad week. but this kind of behaviour may be indicative of other, underlying serious illnesses -- eating disorders, self-mutilation, depression. be honest with her. tell her you are more than willing to listen, that you will drive her to a crisis center if she wants, but that you don't know how to handle these crying fits and it worries or frightens you that she can't seem to take care of herself in those "daily" ways. if worse comes to worst -- and this suggestion is truly only for very extreme circumstances, because it has tricky ethical implications and well, it doesn't always endear you to your friends -- call her parents, or the resident advisor in her dorm, or (*sigh*) a hospital. explain the problem as you've observed it. be very specific. let the person know you're calling out of severe worry and they should take you seriously. make sure you're available so they can get information back to you once they approach the problem from their end. and no matter what, don't avoid your girlfriend just because she has freaked out a little. given what she's been through, this behaviour is normal, even mild. it still needs to be treated, but it is understandable.