Last Updated On - January 17th, 2005
This is how it works:
The most recent ones are near the bottom.
The ones that are a single line and are in quotations are ones that I don't know the author of.
The ones that are a single line and have no quotation marks are ones I do know the author to.
The ones that are multiple lines with each line in quotations indicates a conversation. The author will be at the bottom.
The ones that are in script format are also conversations and have the author at the bottom.
The ones that are multiple lines with only two quotation marks (beginning and end) mean that it is either a poem, song, etc. These will have the author at the bottom.
The ones that are in <AUTHOR>SPEAKING format are taken from IRC.
If you notice a typo or a wrong author or anything of the sort, e-mail me.
LINKS:
My LiveJournal
My Icon Journal
My DeadJournal
My Oekaki Board
My DeviantART Account
My FanFiction.Net Account
My FictionPress.Net Account
My Understatement Account
QUOTES:
"I would never do anything illegal unless it was for personal gain"
"I love men, but mainly just to look at and preferably with each other"
"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind most of all."
I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!" -Jack Handy
I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea, but it's just eggs hatching -Jack Handy
Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind. -Jack Handy
Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door -Jack Handy
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny. -Jack Handy
If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. -Jack Handy
When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil. -Jack Handy
If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone. -Jack Handy
The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge of the watering hole and started to drink. But then he looked around and saw skulls and bones everywhere. "Uh-oh," he thought. "This watering hole is reserved for skeletons." -Jack Handy
I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas. -Jack Handy
Any man, in the right situation, is capable of murder. But not any man is capable of being a good camper. So, murder and camping are not as similar as you might think. -Jack Handy
One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with a wooden stake. -Jack Handy
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man. -Jack Handy
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face. -Jack Handy
I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex. -Jack Handy
You know something that would really make me applaud? A guy gets stuck in quicksand, then sinks, then suddenly comes shooting out, riding on water skis! How do they do that?! -Jack Handy
Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window. -Jack Handy
One day one of my little nephews came up to me and asked me if the equator was a real line that went around the Earth, or just an imaginary one. I had to laugh. Laugh and laugh. Because I didn't know, and I thought that maybe by laughing he would forget what he asked me. -Jack Handy
If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting! -Jack Handy
Instead of a Seeing Eye dog, what about a gun? It's cheaper than a dog, plus if you walk around shooting all the time people are going to get out of the way. Cars, too! -Jack Handy
Instead of burning a guy at the stake, what about burning him at the STILTS? It probably lasts longer, plus it moves around. -Jack Handy
There are many stages to a man's life. In the first stage, he is young and eager, like a beaver. In the second stage, he wants to build things, like dams, and maybe chew down some trees. In the third stage, he feels trapped, and then ``skinned.'' I'm not sure what the fourth stage is. -Jack Handy
A man doesn't automatically get my respect. He has to get down in the dirt and beg for it. -Jack Handy
It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money. -Jack Handy
I don't pretend to have all the answers. I don't pretend to even know what the questions are. Hey, where am I? -Jack Handy
If you ever feel like you're on the verge of a nervous breakdown, just follow these simple rules: First, calm down; second, come over and wash my car; third, shine all my shoes. There, isn't that better? -Jack Handy
When this girl at the museum asked me who I liked better, Monet or Manet, I said, "I like mayonnaise." She just stared at me, so I said it again, louder. Then she left. I guess she went to try to find some mayonnaise for me. -Jack Handy
Why do the caterpillar and the ant have to be enemies? One eats leaves, and the other eats caterpillars. Oh, I see now. -Jack Handy
I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye. -Jack Handy
If someone told me it wasn't "fashionable" to talk about freedom, I think I'd just have to look him square in the eye and say, "Okay, YOU TELL ME what's `fashionable'." But he won't. And you know why? Because you can't ask someone what's fashionable in a smart-alecky way like that. You have to be friendly and say, "By the way, what's fashionable?" -Jack Handy
I think a cute movie idea would be about a parrot who is raised by eagles. It would be cute because the parrot can't seem to act like an eagle. After a while, though, to keep the movie from getting boring, maybe put in some pornography. Later, we see the happy parrot flying along, acting like an eagle. He sees two parrots below and starts to attack, but it's his parents. Then, some more pornography. -Jack Handy
Worship the potato? The idea seemed silly to me. But then I thought, what else is more deserving of worship? It's simple, it comes from the earth, and it can kill you if you disobey it. -Jack Handy
If I lived back in the Wild West days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like, "Hey look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink. -Jack Handy
If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot of people do. Instead, try to get some weeding done, because you'd really be surprised. -Jack Handy
Doctor Jack Seward: You want to autopsy Lucy?
Van Hellsing: No, no, no, not exactly. I just want to cut of her head and take out her heart.
-Bram Stoker's Dracula
If you're a blacksmith, probably the proudest day of your life is when you get your first anvil. How innocent you are, little blacksmith. -Jack Handy
I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are looking for a whale. They look and look, but you know what? They never find him. And you know why they never find him? It doesn't say. The book leaves it up to you, the reader, to decide. Then, at the very end, there's a page you can lick and it tastes like Kool-Aid. -Jack Handy
What am I afraid of? I'll tell you: a feather. that's right, a feather. How could anyone be afraid of a feather, you say. That's an honest question, and I'll try to give it an honest answer. First of all, did I say it was a poison feather? -Jack Handy
I guess of all my uncles, I liked Uncle Cave Man the best. We called him Uncle Cave Man because he lived in a cave and because sometimes he'd eat one of us. Later on we found out he was a bear. -Jack Handy
Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaut on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man." -Jack Handy
The tiger can't change his spots. No, wait, he did! Good for him! -Jack Handy
It's not good to let any kid near a container that has a skull and crossbones on it, because there might be a skeleton costume inside and the kid could put it on and really scare you. -Jack Handy
Whenever I hear the sparrow chirping, watch the woodpecker chirp, catch a chirping trout, or listen to the sad howl of the chirp rat, I think: Oh boy! I'm going insane again. -Jack Handy
It's fascinating to think that all around us there's an invisible world we can't even see. I'm speaking, of course, of the World of the Invisible Scary Skeletons. -Jack Handy
Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've never known before. But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and bitter. Wait. It's not love I'm describing. I'm thinking of a monorail. -Jack Handy
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers. -A Bit of Fry and Laurie
She's addicted to nicotine patches / She's afraid of a light in the dark... -Spark by Tori Amos
There is much darkness to be found in the shadows. But you may need to sacrifice your perfect dreams to find it... -Ariadne Zeitwellen Masters-Chambers
Why is my heart so dark with fear? And why do I no longer care? -Anonymous
So the guy said "clip" instead of "magazine". -The Jar
Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results -Albert Einstein
It's a jar. What else do you want? -The Jar
"God made coke that made me smoke, so God made sprite that made me fight, so God made pepsi that made me sexy."
Yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive... -Iris, The Goo Goo Dolls
For a while I thought I was a lemon and amused myself by jumping in and out of a gin and tonic. -Douglas Adams, Life, the Universe, and Everything
I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer. -Kehlog Albran
Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat. -John Lehman
My date said, "Paully, I think we should just be friends." I said, "With whom?" -Paul Jacek
This is not a book to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force. -Dorothy Parker
In the Beginning there was nothing, which exploded. -Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies
Mokoto: I should have the bed furthest from the others because I'm not strange like you two.
Zach: I should get the bed farthest from the others because I'm "special".
Trent: I have a tendency to kill people in my sleep.
-The Jar, It's All Yours
When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmm, boy. -Jack Handy
"I'm glad I'm one of the seven Seals."
"And why is that?"
"Because we're all so pretty!"
-X/1999
"I'm... sorry about your hand, Yakumo..."
"Ah, forget it! Easy come, easy go!"
-Yakumo, 3X3 eyes
I don't NEED a passport! I'm a SUITCASE! -Shuichi, Gravitation
"Who are you?"
"Neither Devil nor Grim Reaper. Just a murderer."
-Aya, Weiss Kreuz
If you want to run infront of cars, choose another car -Yuki Eiri, Gravitation
"Not to pry, but is there a specific reason you joined the Alliance?"
"Let's just say my closet door is open, but no one's pushed me out of it yet."
"Do you like it in there?"
"It's actually quite well furnished."
Mordred and Alex, My Life In Blue
"What? We didn't order a pizza."
"It's not a pizza. It's a bomb."
"We didn't order a bomb either."
-Tycho, Penny Arcade
"Knock, knock."
"Don't do it. It's a trap."
"Who's there?"
"Shut your pie."
"Shut your pie who?"
"Shut your pie hole."
"Damn...That came out of nowhere."
-Charles and Tycho and Gabe, Penny Arcade
"You there, polish my shoe!"
"Bite me..."
"... after you polish my shoe..."
-Haley and Michael (Friends of mine.)
"Define irony--Bunch of idiots dancing on a plane to a song made famous by a band that died in a plane crash."
"69% percent of all statistics are made up on the spot."
"Just because you're not paranoid, doesn't mean they're not out to get you."
"Some people say I'm a horrible person, but that's just not true! I have the heart of an innocent little girl... in a jar on my desk."
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy. -Jack Handy
And I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I ever had
-Gary Jules, 'Mad World'
Ooh! Let's steal their shoes! It's the perfect revenge!! -Leader, The Jar
"When I die, I want to die like my grandfather, who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming, like all the passengers in his car."
Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children" -Author Unknown
Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar. -Drew Carey
The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house. -Jeff Foxworthy
Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself. -Roseanne
A heap of broken images, where the sun beats, And the dead tree gives no shelter, the cricket no relief -T.S.Elliot
"You don't love a woman because she is beautiful, but she is beautiful because you love her."
"Immature love says: 'I love you because I need you.' Mature love says 'I need you because I love you."
Not to be used for the other use. -Engrish.com, A Japanese Product
"Lucky bastards. What do they have that I don't?"
"A life."
"Hmm. I better get me one of those."
-Sinfest
The hand that feeds you needs you. -Deny by Default
It could be witches.
Some evil Witches.
Which is ridiculous 'cause witches they were persecuted, wicca good, love the earth, women power and I'll be over here.
- Xander, Buffy, Once More With Feeling
Sigh...Life's a bitch. This is true. ...But she's MY bitch. -Slick, Sinfest
"Wanna play?"
"Oh right. Like I'm so sure! Whatever. Unlike you, I got things to do! Place to be! Worlds to conquer!"
"Then how about after?"
"Maybe."
-Pooch and Percy, Sinfest
"I will live my life!"
"But you have no life."
"Ha. Even THAT won't stop me."
-Sinfest
"If I had a nickel for ever time I've heard that, I'd fill a sock with them and beat the shit out of you for saying something so stupid."
"Greg... What are you microwaving?"
"*whistle* A Spider!"
"A spider?"
"Yeah! I'm gonna get it to bite me!!"
"For super-powers?"
"FOR SUPER-POWERS!!"
"Press on, True believer."
"*whistle*"
-M.A.C. Studios
With each new soul I consume I draw ever closer to achieving my ultimate power. Very soon I will be able to..... Ooh, Skittles! -M.A.C.
"The world told me I wasn't born with wings.
That's ok. I'd rather make my own.
There's no glory in flying when you're born with wings. The true glory is in being born a crawling creature, and creating your own wings, and teaching yourself to fly."
"Hair color?"
"No."
"Eye color?"
"It was too dark."
"::sigh:: Do you remember anything about them?"
"Yes..."
"Well?"
"They were in love."
-Sandra Delete, Utopia
"No, man, I just had a," brush. Pie Plate. "fuck."
"With Whom," the Russian slurped at me from behind his oversized mug.
-Track 4, Sinnerman (A BMB fanfic by Rin_desu)
If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then people would sing about me and I could fly down and eat them because I hate that song. -Jack Handy
"There are two types of people in this world. Those who say the glass is half full, and those who say it is empty. I just want another drink."
"Fangirl. I thought we agreed Fluffy and her ill-bred ilk were to be left out of this? I...I...... I can't take this complex about size much longer... I know it's smaller than most bishounen's but... it pleases Daisuke at least! Is that not enough???"
"Are we still talking about hair?"
"......Yes."
-GothTK and Clare, TLTOI
GTK: I advice death. Swiftly, and now. You have fallen in love with with a fangirl of my brother's Satanic Rear. this is almost as bad as having a crush on THE Fangirl
Clare: Oi! I bloody heard that!
GTK: You see? Soul-Consuming harpy.
Yama: Satanic...rear????
Clare: Don't worry, dear. Yama pretty! Pretty Yama!
Yama: Yama pretty!
-GTK, Clare & Yama, TLTOI
Oh, no. The toilet is talking to me again... -Jane, Daria
That's the word on the street. Barnes is okay, but that Noble is a vindictive prick. -Ben Sobel, Analyze This
Oh Daria, don't be shy. Show me your boobs. *pause* Why did I think this would be more interesting? -Jane, Daria
Because forgiveness... For someone like you... Can never be an option! -Lady Achika, Tenchi Muyo in Love
Mess with the best, die like the rest. -Dade Murphy, Hackers
Hey, I'm gonna take your Roostor and put it in this bag where it will flourish or expire depending on fate! -SouthPark
Listen up! Team work means staying out of my way! -Seifer Almasy
"He's lost it! We're fucked! We're absolutely fucked!"
"I hear you."
"I can't believe this shit! We're on the brink of nonexistence and God's still nowhere to be found! What the fuck kind of deity gets kidnapped?!"
"Amen to that."
"What the hell are you doing?!"
"I'd say we've got about five minutes left to live; the whole world's going to end. You said you'd fuck me."
"Are you a complete lunatic?! Everyone's out there battling that thing and you want to cower back here and jump my bones?! We have to go down fighting!"
"No, no time for that foreplay stuff, just sex."
-Bethany & Jay, Dogma
"I don't expect my love affairs to last for long
Never fool myself that my dreams will come true
Being used to trouble, I anticipate it
But all the same I hate it
Wouldn't you?"
-Evita
"I say we fight to the death!"
"You alway say that Norman."
"True, but that doesn't make it a bad idea..."
-Norman & Max, Mighty Max
Shit! Only one bullet?! And I used it on somebody else?! Damn! Oh damn! Oh damn! Oh.... Oh, WOW! Fiz-Wiz!! Cherry Fiz-Wiz! I didn't know they had Fiz-Wiz!! WHEEE-HEE!! -Nny, Johnny the Homocidal Maniac #2
Dear Die-Ary, I stared motionless, before the mirror, as always, I stayed until I'm convinced there is no glass, nothing, separating me from the room I see on the other side. I imagine that everything is different over there, better. There are people, in that world, who I would like. But, like always, my hand hits the glass. I know that if only I'd waited one more second.... shit. I'm gonna go kill a party clown. -Nny, JtHM #2
How lovely you are. So lovely in my straightjacket, though the bloodstains do clash with your lipstick. -Nny, JtHM #2
"Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people."
"Learn from the mistakes of others, You can't live long enough to make them all yourself."
Kids, drugs wont help things. They'll only turn you into a hideous little troll-baby with exploding eyeballs. -PSA, JtHM #4
You never can tell with bees. -Winnie the Pooh
You want corn? I give you corn! So much corn do I give! -Fillerbunny
Oh, here's your problem. You're retarded. Go sleep it off. -Doctor, Fillerbunny
A woman's home is her castle. Excuse me while I go raise the drawbridge. -The Daria Diaries
If truth is stranger than fiction, where are the flying monkeys? -The Daria Diaries
I respect my superiors. Now if only I could find some. -The Daria Diaries
A quitter never wins, and a winner never quits telling you about it. -The Daria Diaries
My parents want me to live up to my potential, so I'm careful not to let them know what it is. -The Daria Diaries
Computers are a great way to meet people you would find revolting in person. -The Daria Diaries
Knowledge is power, unless you're debating a grizzly bear. -The Daria Diaries
I don't go in for male-bashing. Why limit yourself? -The Daria Diaries
That's the problem. He was dead to begin with. -Ichabod, Sleepy Hollow
"MMPH... are you sitting on my face?"
"Yes. Yes I am sitting on your face. Idiot."
-Eddie and Devi, I Feel Sick
Well, I'd say, 'Come on!', and then I'd laugh... cause I said 'Come'... -Family Guy
I usually say, fuck the truth, but mostly, the truth fucks you.. -Angels in America, Part One: Millennium Approaches p.34
Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies. -Shawshank Redemption
The only reason I keep you around as my friend is because you make my life look great by comparison. -200 Cigarettes
No more crack for you! -Penny Arcade
"Man, I'm hot."
"Thirsty?"
"No, just good looking."
-Johnny & Camel, Johnny Bravo
Whatever happened to that sweet kid I met a long time ago who had a dream to take over the Digital World? Okay, sure it was a sick and twisted dream, but we had alot of laughs together. -Wormmon, Digimon
"If you're my clone, why are you wearing an eyepatch?"
"Because I'm evil!"
-The Steves, The Daily Show
Revenge will never give you redemption... so I'll do it for you. -Duncan, Highlander Engame
"Ah, Francis, I'm sorry. He's battling his worst nemesis."
"The squirrel is back?!"
-Mom & Francis, Malcolm in the Middle
"Why are you able to live twice?!"
"I don't like Hell."
-Kase & Ken, Weiss Kreuz
They say the mind bends and twists to deal wit the horrors of life... Sometimes the mind neds so much it snaps in two. -Twisted Metal: Black
Don't stare at the crazy man, honey. It's not polite. -Maison Ikkoku
"Tell me I was dreaming
That you didn't leave me here to cry
You didn't say you didn't love me anymore
It was just my imagination telling lies
Tell me that you didn't say goodbye"
-Tell Me I Was Dreaming, Travis Tritt
"Out of my mind. Be back in 5 minutes."
"There are three types of people in the world: Those who can count, and those who can't."
It is said that one who hides his palms is without a soul, or is one who is content to live in solice from society, one who has come to peace with what they are and has discovered their own purpose. -Reader's Digest
It is my destiny to live forever... though my survival will bring final destruction to the human race. However, it is possible for me to be killed, and whether I live or die makes no great difference. In truth, death may be the only absolute freedom there is. This is my wish... please... destroy me. Otherwise, you will be destroyed. Only one life form can be chosen to evade the destruction and seize the future... and you are not the exsistance which should die. You need the future... it is what you live for. Thank you Shinji... my life was meaningful... because of you. -Kaworu, Evangelion
"Why'd we put them in a big vault?"
"Hilarity factor!"
-The Beatniks, The Jar
Why is the milk taking over the cafeteria? -The Jar
I mean, it's my fault, and I'm stupid, so I'm fine. -Shuichi, Gravitation
"Hey, Skids! I have to tell you: I did not have a wet dream about you last night."
"Shibby! I didn't have one about you, either."
-Cya & Skids, BMB
I'm so going to kill my subconcious -Cya, BMB
"I can feel you staring. It's annoying. What do you want?"
"I want you to do it."
"It? What do you me... OH! Oh..."
"You haven't done it for so long!"
"Harley...You know how I feel about 'it'."
"Please, Mikhael?"
"Sigh. Just once."
"YAY!"
"'We will conquer earth! And then? We will kill moose and squirrel!'"
-Mik & Harley, BMB
"Rude bastard."
"Wanker."
"Imbecile."
"Cabron."
"Asshole!"
"Hijo de la chingada pinche puto whey maldito roba amigos!!!"
"Doesn't 'roba amigos' mean 'friend theif'?"
"....um. Maybe?"
-Mik & Cya, BMB
Moo! Moo!! Mooo!!! I'm voodoo cursing you!! -Noodle Boy, JtHM
Organizm behind door is friend. Do not budgeon with toaster. -I Feel Sick
"Soooooo... How's your spleen?"
"It's doin' good."
"Now that I've guided you into a more casual state of mind with my ninja-like precision, you wanna tell me what's wrong?"
-Tenna and Devi, I Feel Sick
"You're just jealous cause the voices talk to me."
"Don't piss me off. I'm running out of places to hide the bodies..."
I thought we were having Stove Top? I want none of this soul toast. -Pepito, SQUEE! #3
Yes, yes yes, I'm the one that's been killing all those people, but I'm also the creative force behind Noodle Boy, so forgive me and shut up. -Nny, JtHM
An interview so magical, it can cure some forms of Malaria. -SNL
Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself. -Bumper sticker
Want to come to my puppy to pet my house? -Ryoga, Ranma 1/2
Please Tell Your Pants It's Not Polite To Point. -Bumper sticker
The Earth Is Full Go Home. -Bumper sticker
So Many Pedestrians So Little Time. -Bumper sticker
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult. -Bumper sticker
If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away? -Bumper sticker
I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To. -Bumper sticker (Piiiixie ^_~)
All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets. -Bumper sticker
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. -Bumper sticker
I'm not beautiful like you... I'm beautiful like me. -Beautiful by Garbage
I put the OW in NOW! -Homer, The Simpsons
"You hate people!"
"But I love gatherings, isn't it ironic?"
-Dante Hicks & Randel Graves, Clerks
Oh, the things they do! -Homer, The Simpsons
"You think it's that easy?"
"You think it's not?"
-Tasuki & Tamahome, Fushigi Yuugi
Did you think a little thing like the end of the world was gonna do me in? -Sabin, Final Fantasy III
"Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"
"Yesterday I knew nothing, Today I know that."
"When God created man, she was only kidding"
"Every time I find out the meaning of life, they change it"
"When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?"
"Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?"
Fighting to put an end to fighting? There's no such thing! -Van Fanel, Escaflowne
Your luck ran out when you made an enemy of me. -Dilandau, Escaflowne
"What are you?!"
"Ally to good, nightmare to you."
-Freiza & Goku, DBZ
Look over there! General Nakago's doing a strip act! -Miaka, Fushigi Yuugi
Don't get carried away or I'll have to blow you up. -Trowa, Gundam Wing
Don't worry. I struck you with the back of the sword... Uh...Sorry. This sword's double edged. -Zelgadiss, Slayers
Just what is a 'fiance'?...Is it some sort of pickle? -Gourry, Slayers
Tycho: Let us consult the Magic Hate Ball.
MHB: I slept with you wife
Tycho: Wait. My wife? Whose wife?
Gabe: Wow! How would that even work?
-Penny Arcade, How Indeed!
MHB: Signs point to yes
Tycho: Oh Magic 8 Ball, I just don't know. Do you really think death is the answer?
MHB: Shut up and die
-Penny Arcade, Magic Hate Ball
"Procrastination is like masturbation, both seem fun at first until you realize you're fucking yourself."
If they ever come up with a swashbuckling school, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something. -Jack Handy
[4:01pm] <+Ryousuke> jump off a bridge
[4:01pm] <+UltraNova> i accept ur dare
In these moments, you can tell they're not regretting having hurt you. They regret doing it to your face. -Nny, JtHM
"The way to a man's heart is not through his stomach, but through his chest, with an axe."
Keep off! It's impolite to walk on the dead. -Lawn Sign, JtHM
Oh my god!! Are you kidding!? I've always dreamed of having super powers!!! This is just too much to resist! I have Head-Explody! -Nny, JtHM
If you can read this, you are probably not dead yet. -The Management, JtHM
I like not being dead. Anything beyond that is just icing on the cake. My undead cake of livingness -Jhonen Vasquez
If I painted my turtle black, would it be spooky? -Jhonen Vasquez
"Look, he's stopping! Maybe he's realizing the horrors he's just committed!!!"
"No...no...the CD's skipping...wait...wait...okay, there it goes."
WHAK!!
-JtHM
I suggest you seek some alternate source of sympathy, Nny. You tried to kill that girl. She liked you, and you tried to kill her. That was impolite. -JtHM
Sometimes you can cry until there is nothing wet in you. You can scream and curse to where your throat rebels and ruptures. You can pray, all you want, to whatever God you think will listen. And still, it makes no difference. It goes on, with no sign as to when it might release you. And you know that if it ever did relent, it would not be because it cared. -JtHM
I've been talking to dead rabbits and feeding bloody walls. I've done horrifying things with salad tongs. It's really eaten into my social life. -Nny, JtHM
Okay, this is going to hurt quite a bit, but I suppose, that's the entire point. I'm aiming for obscene agony, so if it's just mildly unbearable, do say something. -Nny, JtHM
Oh, don't worry about him. He'll be up in a while. He might be permanently blind, though. Oh well, that should make it easier to get away with stuff. Of course, being blind, he might develop a keen sense of hearing. That might not be good. Y'know, if you'd like, I could do something to his ears. Have you got a lik-em-aid stick? Oh, but then he'll just fine tune his sensitivity to vibrations. Mmm. We'd have to do some work on his central nervous system. I'll need some tweezers and shoelaces. Pooh. But what if he becomes some kind of olfactory ninja? This is very difficult. I mean, we can't kill him - a kid needs a dad. -Nny, JtHM
I have relinquished control of my insanity! -JtHM
Two nights ago, I was taking a walk at night, and this little, chihuahua started following me!!! GODDAMMIT!! IT KNEW!! I ran and finally lost it, and made it home!!! But it KNEW!! It KNEWWWW!! Did the DOG send you?! -Nny, JtHM
Oh. It's such a beautiful night... I think I'll kill myself. -Nny, JtHM
Every once in awhile, they say things that sound like words. They make me think about what I'm doing. The noises make me uncomfortable. So uncomfortable that..sometimes...I wonder..why I just don't get myself a pair of earplugs. -Nny, JtHM
"NNY? Nny, what are you doing?"
"Immortalizing the moment!"
-Devi & Nny, JtHM
Madam, I have misplaced my pants. -Homer Simpson, The Simpsons
Keep out of children -Warning for a Japanese knife
We can help you with your pleasure. -On an advertisement for "Loax" in Japan
Tootle horn melodiously at the dog who shall sport in roadway. If he continue, tootle him with vigor. -Japanese motocycle instructions
We serve people like you as good food. -Restaurant advertisement in Japan
Beware of being eaten by small children due to small parts. -Some Japanese product
I haven't commited a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law. -David Dinkins
You fondle my trigger then you blame my gun. -Fiona Apple
"The last remaining truths are graffiti, suicide notes, and shopping lists."
"And I don't regret the rain
Or the nights I felt the pain
Or the tears I had to cry
Some of those times along the way.
Every road I had to take
Every time my heart would break,
It was just something that I had to get through
To get me to you."
"Never frown because you never know when someone is falling in love with your smile."
Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months. -Oscar Wilde
"Why should you love him whom the whole world hates so?"
"Because he loves me more than all the world."
-Philip Marlowe's Edward II
"From my rotting body,
Flowers shall grow
And I am in them
And that is eternity."
-Edvard Munch
There's nothing glorious in dying. Anyone can do it. -Johnny Rotten
"The customer with the knife is always right."
If I ever meet myself I'm going to punch me so hard I won't know what hit me! -Zaphod, The Hitch Hicker's Guide to The Galaxy
I'm following my fish. -Delirium, Sandman
The road to Hell is paved with unbought stuffed dogs. -Ernest Hemingway
"If a tree falls in a forest, do the other trees make fun of it?"
I think we dream so we dont have to be apart so long. If were in each others dreams, we can be together all the time. -Hobbes, Calvin and Hobbes
"I wish you luck with a capital F"
There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start and so on... - Robert Byrne
England no longer excisted. He'd got that - somehow he's got it. He tried again. America,he thought, has gone. He couldn't grasp it. He decided to start smaller again. New York has gone. No reaction. He'd never seriously believed it excisted anyway. The sollar, he thought, has sunk for ever. Slight tremor there. Every Bogart movie has been wiped, he said to himself, and that have him a nasty knock. McDonalds, he thought. There is no longer any such thing as a McDonald's hamburger.
He passed out. -The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
Have you seen my will to live? 'Cause I seem to have lost it. -Bloodhound Gang
I'm so happy 'cause today I found my friends. They're in my head. -Nirvana
I am not your savior, I am just as fucked as you. -Stabbing Westward
I won't become the thing I hate... I won't become you. -Stabbing Westward
Rehab is for quitters. -The Simpsons
I tried so hard and got so far, but in the end it doesn't even matter. -Linkin Park
I shall now make myself a sandwhich. God help the neighbors if they have no cheese. -JtHM
'I don't want to die now!' he yelled. 'I've still got a headache! I don't want to go to heaven with a headache, I'd be all cross and wouldn't enjoy it!' -Arthur Dent, The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
'So this is it,' said Arthur, 'we are going to die.'
'Yes,' said Ford, 'except...no! Wait a minute!' He suddenly lunged across the chamber to something behind Arthur's line of vision. 'What's this switch?' he cried.
'What? Where?' cried Arthur twisting round.
'No, I was only fooling,' said Ford, 'we are going to die after all.'
-Arthur Dent & Ford Prefect, The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
'Good god,' said Arthur, 'it looks just like the sea front at Southend.'
'Hell, I'm relieved to hear you say that,' said Ford.
'Why?'
'Because I thought I must be going mad.'
'Perhaps you are. Perhaps you only thought I said it.'
Ford thought about this.
'Well, did you say it or didn't you?' he asked.
'I think so,' said Arthur.
'Well, perhaps we're both going mad.'
'Yes,' said Arthur, 'we'd be mad, all things considered, to think this was Southend.'
'Well, do you think this is Southend?'
'Oh yes.'
'So do I.'
'Therefore we must be mad.'
'Nice day for it.'
-Arthur & Ford, The Hitch Hiker's Guide to The Galaxy
See, when I get the strength to leave you
Always telling me that you need me
And I'm weak because I need you
And I'm mad because I love you
So I stop and think that maybe
You could learn to appreciate me
But it all remains the same
That you ain't never gonna change
-Foolish by Ashanti
Wishing on a dream that seems far off
Hoping it will come today
Into the starlit night,
Foolish dreamers turn their gaze,
Waiting on a shooting star.
But what if that star is not to come?
Will their dreams fade to nothing?
When the horizon darkens most,
We all need to believe there is hope
Is an angel watching closely over me?
Can there be a guiding light I've yet to see?
I know my heart should guide me, but,
There's a hole within my soul
What will fill this emptiness inside of me?
Am I to be satisfied without knowing?
I wish, then, for a chance to see,
Now all I need, (desperately)
Is my star to come...
-Wind's Nocturne
You shed tears for an empty heart. -Changing Spirit
Any pile of stunted growth unaware that entertainment is just that and nothing more, deserves to doom themselves to some dank cell, somewhere, for having been so stupid!! Movie, books, t.v., music - they're all just entertainment, not guidebooks for damning yourself! -Nny, JtHM
"What time is Michelle getting off the computer?"
"Probably never."
"...And what time is it now?"
-Ashley & Ryan (My siblings)
So you think you can tell Heaven from Hell -Wish You Were Here by Pink Floyd
"It doesn't NEED explaining. Quotes are funny BECAUSE they're taken out of context."
I never realized how sad he always looked until I caught a glimpse of him laughing. -Kenny, MT Die
"Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again."
They used to call us names now they want our autograph -Good Charlotte
I am free, no matter what rules surround me. If I find them tolerable, I tolerate them; if I find them too obnoxious, I break them. I am free because I know that I alone am morally responsible for everything I do. -Robert A. Heinlein
"Tact is for people who aren't witty enough to be sarcastic."
Some people call me a God and they don't even ask where I got the gun and the straight jacket. -Me
This is me pretending this is all I need -My December by Linkin Park
In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: It goes on. -Robert Frost
I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work. -Thomas Alva Edison
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die. -Mel Brooks
"If we were all blind and had no choice, would we hate each other by the tone of our voice?"
"7/5th of all people do not understand fractions."
The greatest thing you'll ever learn, is just to love, and be loved in return. -Moulin Rouge
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia. -Charles Schultz
Even the ones who never frown eventually break down. -Pushing Away by Linking Park
You're happy cause you smile, but how much can you fake. -Superman's Dead by Our Lady Peace
You're happy you're in love. you need someone to hate. -Superman's Dead by Our Lady Peace
The tears were silent inside you see. -Numb by Pink
I remember all the feelings and the day they stopped. -Innocent by Our Lady Peace
And while she wishes she was a dancer
And that she'd never heard of cancer
She wishes God would give her some answers
And make her feel beautiful.
-Innocent by Our Lady Peace
Anyone can doubt easily. Tohru, try to believe. Be a person who believes. That will certainly... become an encouragement to someone. -Kyoko Honda, Fruits Basket
This is obviously some strange usage of 'safe' that I wasn't previously aware of. -Douglas Adams
Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so. -Douglas Adams
There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarrely inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened. -Douglas Adams
I love Twinkies, and the reason I am saying that is because we are all supposed to think of reasons to live. -The Perks of Being a Wallflower, Stephen Chobsky
Please believe that things are good with me, and even when they're not, they will be soon enough. -The Perks of Being a Wallflower, Stephen Chobsky
"Actually, I just like to say the word 'smock.' Smock, smock, smock, sm-"
"WHAT ON EARTH IS WRONG WITH YOU?!"
-Calvin & Hobbes
"Trust me, okay?"
"Trust you? I hardly know you!"
"I'm your father!"
"What, for six years?! When I'm 40, we'll see how things are going!"
-Calvin & Hobbes
Death cannot stop true love; it can only delay it for a little while. -The Princess Bride
"Strange how laughter looks like crying with no sound and how raindrops taste like tears without pain."
If a man could pass thro' Paradise in a Dream & have a flower presented to him as a pleadge that his Soul had really been there, & found the flower in his hand when he awoke--Aye! and what then? -Coleridge
"I heard the voices in my head before it was cool."
"One day you'll love me like I loved you,
One day you'll think of me the way I thought of you,
One day you'll cry for me the way I cried for you,
One day you'll want me, but I won't want you."
The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true. -James Branch Cabell
As long as I can remember, I've had memories. -Collin Mochrie
Yuki: *hits Shigure over the head with his bag* Shame on you, getting closer and closer.
Shigure: That really hurt! Are you carrying dictionaries in there or what?
Yuki: Yes. Two of them.
-Yuki & Shigure, Fruits Basket
People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid. -Soren Aabye Kierkegaard
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh. -Voltaire
USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population. -David Letterman
Not only is life a bitch, it has puppies. -Adrienne Gusoff
If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either. -Dick Cavett
If I'm not back in five minutes... Just wait longer. -Ace Ventura, Pet Detective
Why are all the gorgeous ones homicidal maniacs? Is it me? -Batman and Robin
"Holy rusted metal, Batman!"
"Huh?"
"The island.. it's made out of rusted metal.. and holey.. you know.."
"Oh."
-Batman & Robin, Batman Forever
"You're out of your mind."
"Yeah.. Ain't it cool?"
-Broken Arrow
I don't know what's scarier, losing a nuclear warhead, or that it happens so often there's actually a term for it. -Broken Arrow
"I came to Casablanca for the waters."
"The waters? What waters? We're in the desert."
"I was misinformed."
-Casablanca
"Theoretically, people see money on a counter and no one around, they think they're being watched."
"Honesty through paranoia..."
-Clerks
It can't rain all the time. -The Crow
"They clipped my wings.. Now I must learn to walk."
When you look closely people are so strange and so complicated, that they're actually beautiful. -My So-Called Life
The trick to flying is throwing yourself at the floor and missing. -Douglas Adams
If we all just concider it... We could find a place of more happiness... -Kare Kano
I'm not gullible, I just have an opened mind. -Me
Sex sells, but we don't have to buy it. -Matthew Good
Konna Bashode Owaru Boku Jyanai (I will not die in a place like this). -I'll Be The One
And the noise in my head with all it's voices, repeats one thing, incessantly more than anything else.- "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, don't let go of me now. Dream of me. Don't let me wake up." -But I know that it's only noise. Shit. -Jhonen Vasquez, JtHM Vol. 4
A is for Alice who fell down the stairs,
B is for Basil assaulted by bears.
C is for Clara who wasted away,
D is for Desmond thrown out of a sleigh.
G is for George smothered under a rug,
H is for Hector done in by a thug.
I is for Ida, who drown in a lake,
J is for James, who took lye by mistake.
K is for Kate, who was struck with an axe,
L is for Leo, who swallowed some tacks.
M is for Maud, who was swept out to sea,
N is for Nevil who died of ennui.
O is for Olive, run through with an awl,
P is for Pru, Tramped flat in a brawl.
Q is for Quinton, who sank in a mire,
R is for Rhoda, consumed by a fire.
S is for Susan, who perished of fits,
T is for Titus, who flew into bits.
U is for Una, who slipped down a drain,
V is for Voctor, squashed under a train.
W is for Winnie, imbedded in ice,
X is for Xerces, devoured by mice.
Y is for Yoric, whose head was bahsed in,
Z is for Zilla, who drank too much gin.
-Edward Gorey
Because maybe the worst is the best, when you get far enough down. -Jeff Noon, Vurt
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade, and then throw it in the face of the person who gave you the lemons until they give you the oranges you originally asked for. -Cassandra Claire
None of us really changes over time; We only become more fully what we are. To put it another way, You do get wiser when you live for many years; But you also have more time to turn out as badly as your enemies always said you might. -Anne Rice
Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo flying across in front of a beautiful sunset. And he has a beautiful rose in his beak. And also he is carrying a very beautiful painting in his feet. And also, you're drunk. -Jack Handy
Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them "impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what, can't we all be brothers? -Jack Handy
Too bad Lassie didn't know how to ice skate, because then if she was in Holland on vacation in winter and someone said "Lassie, go skate for help," she could do it. -Jack Handy
Mom always told me I could be whatever I wanted to be when I grew up, 'within reason.' When I asked her what she meant by 'within reason,' she said, 'You ask a lot of questions for a garbage man.' -Jack Handy
Think about world peace; while you're doing that I'll be over here stealing your stuff. -Jack Handy
I always knew looking back on the tears would make me laugh, but I never knew looking back on the laughter would make me cry.E
Last night I was looking at the stars and then I wondered, where the hell is my ceiling?E
Fear cannot touch me...
It can only taunt me,
it cannot take me,
just tell me
where to go...
I can either follow,
or stay in my bed...
I can hold on to the
things that I know...
The dead stay dead,
they cannot walk.
The shadows are darkness.
And darkness cannot talk.
-Christopher Rice, Density of Souls
"Ah, you're crazy."
"Am I? Or am I so sane that you just blew your mine?!"
<+Mikkel> If you went camping and you got REALLY drunk with your friend and you woke up the next morning with a condom stuck up your ass would you tell anybody?
<+Celestya> i dont think so
<+Mikkel> Wanna go camping?
<+blazemore> omg i love this song
<+blazemore> Now playing: Unknown Artist - Track 2 @ 128 Kbps. (0:47/3:24)
<+Javi> blazemore: yeah, that's a bad ass song
<+Opcode> i was gonna call 911...but i was downloading a file
<+Zanthis(ALE)> AFK, tornado
<+Guo_Si> Hey, you know what sucks?
<+TheXPhial> vaccuums
<+Guo_Si> Hey, you know what sucks in a metaphorical sense?
<+TheXPhial> black holes
<+Guo_Si> Hey, you know what just isn't cool?
<+TheXPhial> lava?
* @Lan plays with his privates.
<+Rintaun> ...
<@Lan> I got these new toy soldiers
<@Lan> They are really neat
<+scirDSL> I hated going to weddings. All the grandmas would poke me saying "You're next". They stopped that when I started doing it to them at funerals.
<+NES> lol
<+NES> I download something from Napster
<+NES> And the same guy I downloaded it from starts downloading it from me when I'm done
<+NES> I message him and say "What are you doing? I just got that from you"
<+NES> "getting my song back fucker"
<+andy> moo spelled backwards is moo
<+andy> no wait
"When life takes those lemons that you were supposed to make lemonaid from.. go out and buy a coke."
<+tatclass> YOU ALL SUCK DICK
<+tatclass> er.
<+tatclass> hi.
<+andy\code> A common typo.
<+tatclass> the keys are like right next to each other.
t0rbad> so there i was in this hallway right
BlackAdder> i believe i speak for all of us when i say...
BlackAdder> WRONG BTICH
BlackAdder> IM SICK OF YOU
BlackAdder> AND YOUR LAME STORIES
BlackAdder> NOBODY HERE THINKS YOURE FUNNY
BlackAdder> NOBODY HERE WANTS TO HEAR YOUR STORIES
BlackAdder> IN FACT
BlackAdder> IF YOU DIED RIGHT NOW
BlackAdder> I DON"T THINK NOBODY WOULD CARE
BlackAdder> SO WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THAT FAG
*** t0rbad sets mode: +b BlackAdder*!*@*.*
*** BlackAdder has been kicked my t0rbad ( )
t0rbad> so there i was in this hallway right
CRCError> right
heartless> Right.
r3v> right
BombScare> i beat the internet
BombScare> the end guy is hard
studdud> what the fuck is wtf
Raize> can you guys see what I type?
vecna> no, raize
Raize> How do I set it up so you can see it?
Polytope> tetris is so unrealistic
Work_Plague> irl?
WorkLord> its like irc only with less text and more gravity
Buck> Light travels faster then sound, thats why people seem bright until you hear them...
"That which does not kill me postpones the inevitable."
I can't decide whether to commit suicide or go bowling. -Florence Henderson
Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow.' -Mary Anne Radmacker-Huskey
If you're going through hell, keep going. -Winston Churchill
MrBob> I hate Uni. At least in film studies we get to talk about Fight Club.
@X-Factor> Wouldnt you be breaking the first 2 rules?
"When life gives you lemons, draw a still-life."
[+Matt] Problem is, Cube fans are angered because they think everyone thinks Nintendo make kids game
[+Matt] And Xbox fans are angered because they think that everyone thinks the Xbox is a brick
[%Crok] nintendo and microsoft should work together to make lego
mystican> my sister gave me some socks and they say on them "too much wiggling of your joystick makes your eyes go funny"
endura> myst u should use those socks as wank socks
endura> then when they are orange make ur sister wash them
DooMWiz> orange??
[idarwin] I just spent like 45 minutes debugging this c++ code and delete whole chunks of it to track down this problem
[idarwin] and it was all because I forgot a break;
<@Avalanche> i found out why my mouse stopped working
<@Avalanche> turns out, it was my cell phone
(+|STE|) Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor.
(+|STE|) The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."
(+|STE|) Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?"
(+|STE|) The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."
*** PoisonPen changes topic to 'Matrix Revolutions: Smith: "I R teh Ubermensch! U R 0wn3d w/ my awesome Will!" Neo: "No! Because I will refute teh diabilical existential angst w/ kung fu!" Smith: "Argh! Now I must stand in the rain and shake my fist at you! Why? Why?" Neo: "Ha ha! I win by losing! I R teh Jesus!" The end.'
I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen...and replaced by exact duplicates. - Steven Wright
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. - Steven Wright
I intend to live forever -- so far, so good. - Steven Wright
Billy: I'd just like to take this moment to say how proud I am to be in these movies.
Dom: I'd like to say how proud I am to sit next to you, Billy.
Billy: Well you won't be for long.
...
Billy: I love you.
Dom: I love you.
Billy: Thanks.
Dom: I was known by the cast as KING DOM.
Billy: Are you sure?
Dom: Yeah. King Dom.
Billy: Dom.
Dom: Big Dom Dom Dom Dom.
Billy: Dommy. Dom.
Dom: No I wasn't.
Billy: No you weren't, no.
Dom: He's got so much going on, Gollum. Sometimes he looks old, sometimes he looks young, sometimes he looks like a dog, sometimes he looks like a frog, sometimes he looks like a monkey, sometimes he looks like a bus.
Billy: A bus?
Dom: Sometimes a bus.
Billy: Hm.
"Ah, finally the ultimate showdown between vaguely evil and somewhat ambiguous." - Tom, MST3K
"Ah, the illegal smuggling of mimes! Nobody talks about it!" - Crow, MST3K
"America's most beloved drug-retailer was killed today." - Crow, MST3K
"Sticks and stone may hurt my bones, but chains and whips excite me, throw tie me up and throw me down and show me that you like me."
Luke: "But they're gonna kill her!"
Han: "Better her than me."
. . .
Luke: "She's rich."
Han: "Rich?"
Luke: "Rich. Powerful. Listen, if you were to rescue her, the reward would be.."
Han: "What?"
Luke: "Well more then you can imagine!"
Han: "I don't know. I can imagine quite a bit."
-Star Wars
"Who are you?" (-camera boy)
"We're the, um... caterers." (-terrorist)
"You're pretty heavily armed for caterers."
"We took the subway."
"You're pretty lightly armed for the subway."
-The Critic
"Ray, when someone asks you if you're a god, you say yes!" -Winston Zeddemore, Ghostbusters
"You mean I might have to give up being crucified in the afternoons? Oh that would be a shame, I wouldn't have nothing to do!" -Eric Idle, Life of Brian
"I find your lack of faith disturbing." -Darth Vader
Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It is very dangerous to wave to people you don't know, because what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky. "Look what I got motherfucker, this thing is useful...I'm gonna go pick something up" -Mitch Hedberg
On a traffic light green means go and yellow means yield, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means where the fuck did you get that banana at... -Mitch Hedberg
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy. -Charlie McCarthy
I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land. - Jon Stewart
Like everyone else, I want to sleep with Leonardo DiCaprio. But I guess I'd want to marry Tom Cruise, because he's much more responsible. I think Leo would play around on me. And I could never trust him on a cruise ship, obviously. You know me, I wouldn't go out with these guys unless I was going to sleep with them. I mean, if I'm putting up dinner and a movie for Leo, he'd damn well better put out. -Jon Stewart
It's been tough. They still call me "Craig" -- they're very set in their ways here. -Jon Stewart
Martha Stewart was really nice. I told her she was 'honored' in my book, then I said, `Bye!' and ran off. -Jon Stewart
"And then what happened?"
"I unloaded my semi-automatic pistol at point-blank range."
"And then what happened?"
"...They left..."
-Ron White
And it's easy to cry on the show because Larry King smells like onions. -Jon Stewart
Now it's time to choose your leader. He/she... Okay, he. -Jon Stewart
By the time you finish listening to this sentence three million more Chinese people will have been born. -Jon Stewart
"Ryuuzaki, is that good enough? I wrote it as if I were Kira."
"It's not bad, but if you don't remove the 'It's fine with me if you kill L' part... I'll die."
"Haha, yeah."
-Raito & L, Death Note
Ralph: What are you fishing for, Ted?
Ted: Fish.
-The Fast Show
Me and the wife met at university, we fell in love, got married and the kids just happened, and last week I gave Claire her first orgasm. Which was nice. -The Fast Show
Swiss: When youfre selling a car to man, it all comes down to whofs got the biggest todger. You have to make him think that his is bigger. But, in order to sell it to him, you have to know that yours is the biggest. You have to keep telling yourself, 'Ifve got the biggest todger in the world'.
Paul: I've got the biggest todger in the world.
Swiss: It's not as big as mine, Paul. It's not as big as mine.
-The Fast Show
Simon: Ifve been foraging, and Ifm going to be living mainly off worms, snails and these mushrooms Ifve found.
Lindsay: And Ifll be living off pizzas.
Simon: Pizzas?
Lindsay: Yeah, therefs a Pizza Hut just down the road.
-The Fast Show
I think it would be ironic if everyone was made of iron. -Caboose, RvB
My name is Micheal J. Caboose, and I hate babies! -Caboose, RvB
Customer: This man insulted me!
Shop manager: Was it done with any style, madam?
-The Fast Show
Saywer: Why am I getting the evening news from a six year old?
Walt: I'm ten
Saywer: Oh, so it must be true.
-Lost
So evil people on the islandblahblah sent someone toblahblah the pregnant girl and the reject from VH-1 Hasbeens? Fiendishly clever. -Sawyer, Lost
Walt to Sawyer: "It's stupid to lie about your name." -Lost
Dear Diary,
Still on the bloody island.
Today I swallowed a bug.
Love Claire
-Charlie, Lost
Hurley: Was it a dinosaur?
Jack: It wasn't a dinosaur.
Hurley: If you didn't see it, how do you know it wasn't a dinosaur?
Jack: Because Dinosaurs are extinct.
Hurley: Oh.. Yeah.
-Lost
What's a four letter word for I don't care? -Shannon, Lost
Innocence looks good on you. - What A Scene by Goo Goo Dolls
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
-Charlie Brown
"Yeah, well, I've been sleeping with your goat!"
"That goat doesn't love you."
-Jerry Springer by Weird Al
Safia: You're just sitting there watching me?
Sean: No, I have creepy music playing too.
I start it. I end it. I kill and words defend it. -Missionary by Op Ivy
All right, you know what? I'm just giving in and looking at the breasts. -Crow, MST3K
And as the world is enchanted with our whimsy, we'll slowly take over their minds! -Dr. Forrester, MST3K
Mike: And the movie ramps up the repulsion.
Crow: This movie hates us, doesn't it.
-MST3K
And when you cheat, you make an eat out of C and H. -Crow, MST3K
Mike: Any luck, Crow?
Crow: Uh, yes. All of it bad."
-MST3K
Jack: Get up!
Sawyer: Why? You wanna see who's taller?
-Lost
Jessica: Aren't you coming to bed, Linda?
Tom and Crow: Oh, WOW!
Mike: Woah.
Tom: This is now officially the best movie in the whole wide world!
-MST3K
At all times he has the look of a man who's been hit with a fish. -Crow, MST3K
Japanese Mother In Movie: Behave or I'll take away--
Crow: Your life.
Japanese Mother: --Your telescope.
Crow: Oh.
-MST3K
Brain has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down. -Mike, MST3K
But you get to watch the walnuts grow up wild and free. -Crow, MST3K
Can I borrow a cup of sex? -Tom, MST3K
Can we have a law that in the future films have to be made by filmmakers? -Crow, MST3K
Come on, run! Try and move faster than the plot! -Crow, MST3K
Mike: Crow, how could you make a deal with the devil?
Crow: How could I not, Mike, with prices like these?
-MST3K
If I knew your name or anything about you, this would be really sad. -Crow, MST3K
You can never be too rich, or too bald. -MST3K
My name is prince and I am funky. -MST3K
Damn! You are me, I guess I am a fraud! -Tom, MST3K
Colonel Hunt: Did you know flying a plane is like making love.
Crow: Uh, you have to pay?
-MST3K
Ralph: *drunk* What I'm saying, Ted, is that obviously, Mrs Ted has left a big hole in your life, but believe you me there is someone who can fill that hole.
Ted: O_O;
-The Fast Show
Ralph: You still have so much life to live, I mean, you're a relatively... you're not an old man, Ted. I mean, how old are you? About a hundred?
Ted: *laughs softly*
Ralph: I'm joking, Ted. I don't *care* how old you are, and even if you *were* a hundred I would still love... I... I would still love... I would love... to get some more drinks.
-The Fast Show
Let's consult the queen spider. -South Park
So be kind to your mother,
Though she may seem an awful bother,
And the next time she tries to feed you collard greens,
Remember what she does when you're asleep.
-A Cautionary Song by The Decemberists
Did we take the time to really discover,
How little we know about eachother?
-All My Friends Are Metalheads by Less Than Jake
I hate you and I hate the band you like! -Simmons, RvB
Billy, talk to me or I'm cancelling the Internet. -Dominic Monaghan
He thumbed the switch for the speakers in Light's room. "Light, are you there? What do you see?"
"Four white walls, Ryuzaki. Am I supposed to be seeing something else?"
"Actually, yes. You should be delusional by now."
Light laughed and laughed, and then abruptly stopped laughing. It was possible hefd been frightened by his own reaction. "In that case, I'm in the desert."
-Death Note Fanfiction
Let me explain. I'm a drug addict. -Charlie, Lost
Griff: Hey, I think if you're going to live in this country, you should learn to speak the language.
Simmons: What language? We're on an alien planet.
Griff: What are you, a communist?
-RvB
Doc: I'm a passifist.
Caboose: You're a thing that babies suck on..?
Tucker: No, dude, that's a pedophile.
-RvB
He sees and dreams and wonders as only a child will do-- without a hint of doubt. What he knows, he knows. What he does not know, he knows he does not know. This is a sure sign of a genius: not to be afraid of your own ignorance.
-Pilgrim by Timothy Findley
"My Wife's Having A Baby."
"Oh, Congradulations."
"Thanks."
"..Is It Mine?"
-The Fast Show
"Hey, Does This Rag Smell Like Chloroform To You?"
So It Turned Out That I Really Did Discover A Cure For Cancer. Which Was Nice. -The Fast Show
"I am going to find the shark that ate my friend and destroy it."
"And what would be the scientific purpose of killing it?"
"Revenge."
-The Life Aquatic With Steve Zissou
This is a song for someone very special, they know who they are, and I know who I..am... too. -Ralph, The Fast Show
Hold your glass up,
Hold it in,
Never betray the way
You've always known it is.
-Caring Is Creepy by The Shins
"When you're lying in your casket, with your family and friends standing over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" "I dunno."
"Maybe I'd like to hear them say that I was a great doctor, a fine son. No, I know exactly what I'd like to hear them say."
"And what's that?"
"'Look, he's moving!'"
-ReGenesis
Hans: You are having a nice day?
Elijah: Yes, it's very early in the morning.
Hans: What time is it in Australia?
Elijah: ..Oh, I'm.. I'm not in Australia.
-ROTK:EE Easter Egg
Hans: You make a movie called Flipper.
Elijah: Yes..
Hans: Very famous movie. The dolphin is dead. Did you know this?
Elijah: Yes. ..Uh, no, I didn't know that. That's terrible.
Hans: Died in a car accident.
Elijah: *laughs like a fool*
-ROTK:EE Easter Egg
Ralph: And it has Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen in it, Ted, who really is quite unashamedly... flamboyant.
Ted: I prefer Handy Andy, sir.
Ralph: Me too. He has a toolbelt, doesn't he, Ted? A marvellous toolbelt, he can keep all his tools in it, I was thinking, maybe I could get one for you, Ted, you'd wear it, wouldn't you, Ted, tell me you'd wear it?
-The Fast Show
Swiss Tony: In all people, there is a balance between the masculine and the feminine, yin and yang, mars and venus, Torville and Dean. The net result is, Paul, I am now in touch with my feminine side.
Paul: Right. What does that mean, exactly?
Swiss Tony: It means that I am wearing ladies underwear.
-The Fast Show
Competitive Dad: "Ours is not to reason why, ours is but to do or die". Do you know who said that?
Peter: No.
Competitive Dad: I did, just then. Hahahahaha. Isn't it wonderful, Peter? Just a father and son, sharing a joke by the water?
Peter: Actually, I heard a joke at school, dad--
Competitive Dad: Not now, Peter, we are fishing.
-The Fast Show