MS. NITPICKER'S CONTINUING HALL OF SHAME

1. Ms. Nitpicker seriously doubts the little boy in a recent piece of fan fiction was toe-headed. In her youth, she read many RIPLEY'S BELIEVE IT OR NOT books, and none of them had pictures of boys with big toes in place of their heads. The word you wanted was tow-headed. Similarly, people survive assaults intact, not "in tack," which sounds like a bondage issue involving bridles. Ms. Nitpicker supposes people who don't use condums are indeed being foolhearty, but condoms are more commonly used by those who aren't foolhardy enough to risk venereal disease.

2. Jeanre thrusted her sword at Hercules.

3. But he'd never once addressed her in such a manner, nor any of the others in their unusual click. (Is this a beatnik group that snaps their fingers a lot, or a more ordinary clique?)

4. He winched a little from the pain in his head and arm.

5. She clinged to his free hand and he could see tears on her face but she didn't say a word.

6. She opened the door of it, and instantly could be heard the plaintiff wailing of a small infant. (Ms. Nitpicker isn't surprised that infants are small, but admits she didn't realize they were brought into courts to accuse criminals of dastardly deeds.)

7. One building seemed to be the center of the fury, but it did not shutter at the raging storm. (Ms. Nitpicker wishes buildings were indeed automated enough to shut their own windows and shutters when it begins to rain.)

8. It was a quarter passed three in the morning. (HINT: The correct word has a "t" in it.)

9. Turning her head, she saw that Marissa had her arm wrapped tightly around her waste, and her face was burrowed into her armpit. (Even though Marissa is apparently perverse enough to like sniffing armpits-- hers, or the other woman's, it really isn't clear-- Ms. Nitpicker doubts that she had her arms around fecal matter.)

10. She had just made it to the corner when a motorcycle reached her from behind and shot her twice in her back. (Ms. Nitpicker knew motorcycles were dangerous, but wasn't aware they were able to obtain gun licenses and were in the habit of shooting down pedestrians. Sometimes it seems that Ms. Nitpicker learns something new every day.)

11. Blair sighed and tried to steal himself for what was next. (The amount of crime in fan fiction is amazing, isn't it? Could it be that Blair was trying to give himself a spine of steel, to withstand a scary event about to occur? Even the finest shoplifter would have trouble stealing herself, wouldn't you think?)

12. Mitch got wailed on! (Someone was crying on his shoulder? But, no-- the author meant "whaled on," as in hit hard and repeatedly.)

13. Simon was holding his breath, along with Joel, Henri, Ryf and the others. (He held all those men? Ms. Nitpicker is impressed.)

14. His interest was peaked. (It had tall sharp points? If the accent was on the last syllable, did his interest have a sickly complexion? Or was it piqued?)

15. Looking around for Joe, he found him leaning over the sink, having just finished a long bout of wretching (Apparently Joe has just spent a lot time being a tormented individual, instead of retching up the contents of his stomach . . . .)

16. "I believe you, pal. I knew Martinez and you ain't him," he said with a strange grovel sound to his voice. (Why was he begging? Or did he have a Lionel Standers voice, as if his throat were full of gravel?)

17. "He's also said that it seams that Markham has a hard time with civilians."
    (Ms. Nitpicker assumes they don't have a close-knit relationship. At least, it seems that way from the spelling this writer used. Remember, your spell-checker only knows that it IS a word, not that it is the RIGHT word.)

18. Finally she picked up her head. (Well, it's about time. Don't you hate people who litter your house with their heads and leave you to pick them up yourself?)

19. Jim wasn't supposed to be back from his steak-out for another hour or so, but Blair couldn't shake the feeling that he wasn't alone. (Probably he got hungry on his stake-out and had to go out for that steak....)

20. The relief was palatable. (No doubt relief would taste good if you could eat it--perhaps it was a Tums tablet, relieving Jim's upset stomach after his steak-out--but the usual word choice here would be palpable, something you could touch.)

21. Yet he knew Blair missed not having a father. (He really wished he hadn't had a father? He missed the chance to not have one? No, Blair missed having a father....)

22. They were worried about things like collage, their next date, mid-terms, a thousand other ordinary things. (Must have been art students. High school ones, since they clearly didn't attend college.)

23. Suddenly, it was like a damn broke. (Don't you hate when that happens? At least hell and shit were unhurt.)

24. He examined a disembowled man hanging from a tree before walking to the edge of the cliff. (They took away his bowl? The greedy scum! Oh, well, at least it wasn't his bowels. By the way, did he walk to the edge of the cliff, or was the disembowled man supposed to do that after hanging from a tree?)

25. From far across town he heard the ringing chimes of the church bell begin to ring. Once... twice...(The ringing chimes ring? All we need to add is "One ringy-dingy...two ringy dingys....")

26. A rather board sounding technician answered the call. (No doubt he also had a wooden expression....)

27. He probably threw it in the furnace shoot. (They arm furnaces these days? We use furnace chutes in my town.)

28. "No, Sentinel, you have to get away. You're a prize--a gift. Your souls burn so brightly I would covert them!" (On the plus side, the punctuation's fine and the writer spelled "you're" correctly. On the negative side, you don't sneak souls, you lust for or covet them.)

29. "Connor, this man heads an organization who wants us all dead! Permanently! (Okay, to be fair, this actually makes sense in the HIGHLANDER universe, where you can come back like Lazarus from any death but beheading, but it makes Ms. Nitpicker giggle every time she reads it. It was a poor choice of words, truly, regardless of the universe.)

30. There...a voice...Blair's voice... "Jim....help me...please...." weak and thready...
    Something's wrong!
    (No shit, Sherlock...Figured that out all by yourself, did you?)

31. "There were...cigarette burns...and...and cuts...all over his body." She paused and continued reluctantly, "And two of his fingers have been...had been...cut off. I think...they tortured him."
    (You think? Maybe he was a clumsy smoker and he bit his fingernails way past the quick....)

32. He saw Kage and his men take down villages to make way for his heroine smuggling ring. (Hard to get those heroines like Xena and Batgirl out of the country sometimes....)

33. "Rich," Duncan said horsely, finally breaking the silence (Did he whinny, or just swish his tail?)

34. Blair nodded, his eyes still closed, transpiration beading on his forehead.

35. It was Blair's voice and he was rambling on about burial piers and fires. (If they put him on a pier over the water and then set fire to him, they will be dropped in the water when the pier collapses. It's more sensible for them to use a burial pyre.)

36. "So, he's come back to get me for that, has he?" Methos smirked, trying to enlighten the mood. (It was a really dim, stupid mood and needed enlightening. Had it been a dark, depressing mood, it would need to be lightened, however.)

37. He didn't have gloves on because of his wrist and no hat. (He didn't have gloves on because of no hat? He was such a gentleman that if he couldn't tip it, he wouldn't wear one?)

38. The week voice of his guide sent a chill through him.(Must have been a week in December, then.)

39. The poet watched Silas maul the girl with detached interest.(The brute! The least Silas could do is act interested while he's mauling her.)

40. "Soup? Sandwich? Chile?" (Wow, a generous offer. Ms. Nitpicker's dates never offer HER an entire country.)

41. Stooping down, he padded down Braxton's lifeless body searching for a weapon and was pleased when a small gun was located in Braxton's leg holster. (What's the matter? Braxton was too skinny and needed some duck feather stuffing under his clothes? Or was he being patted down?)

42. I'd be a callus jerk if I felt anything less, Chief. (Those darn foot problems again....) (Very well, in case you're confused, the word is "callous.")

43. At least she had the balls to face them, even if she did it while stabbing them in the back. (Ms. Nitpicker is having trouble envisioning this. She's stabbing them in the back while facing them? And she had a gender change, acquiring a scrotum? This sounds like a Stephen King horror scene.)

44. A sneer was heard. (No, it wasn't. It was seen, perhaps, since it's a facial expression. And this is passive voice, which generally doesn't work well, anyway.)

45. "Not bad. The bar is still making a prophet. I can still walk." (Ah, yes, Ms. Nitpicker has noticed the tendency of heavy drinkers to predict the future, particularly in sporting events.)

46. Lee feigned apallment.

47. The young man's fingers clutched at the arm around his throat, trying desperately to free himself and being choked for his effort (His fingers are being choked?)

48. As he waited for Methos to respond, he waived to Joe to bring him a beer.

49. Giles rushed to the antique armour and began to ransack it. 'It looks like my father's closet! Nothing but bloody tweed in here!' (Eccentric family, that, stuffing suits of armor with suits of tweed. Are you sure it wasn't a piece of furniture such as an armoire?)

50. I know the wrap sheet, but I want to know why these things happened to you. (Ms. Nitpicker must point out that criminals acquire a "rap" sheet in America. They are not routinely bundled up in bits of bedding or wrapping paper.)

51. He knew Blair's throat was still pretty soar, and the doctor had informed him that Blair would probably refuse all offers of food or drink for a few days. (His throat was flying? Did that leave it sore afterward?)

52. Then the little shit had the gaul to lick his lips.... (Meanwhile, were the Englishman and the American shining his shoes and combing his hair? Sorry. Ms. Nitpicker couldn't resist. The correct word, of course, is gall.

53. All day it bounced around in his mind: the letter, Darrow's hair brained offer, Methos' student. (The March Hare hung about with the Mad Hatter because hares in England get a bit...silly...during the mating season, hence the term "hare-brained." Ms. Nitpicker doubts sincerely that hair has anything to do with the matter.)

54. "Not too hard," the navel officer said absently. (One presumes he is either in charge of oranges or of belly button lint.)

55. You have got a mouth that just won't quick. (Somehow this brings to mind the song "I want a lover with a slow hand...." )

56. The walls were covered in pealing paper and moulding mildew. (The paper was loud, eh? Bells peal; wallpaper peels. Ms. Nitpicker assumes "moulding" is a British spelling; otherwise, it's a problem.)

57. Unfortunately, Giles didn't seem to be in any kind of mode to tolerate her lake of attention.

58. "They aren't human, Adam. They are not like you and me. It's not like killing a person," Shapiro stated, the nervous tick starting in his left eye. "They don't really feel it." (Is a hyperactive bug crawling around his retina? No, he has developed a tic, not a tick.)

59. The killer's pension for Blake could be the only lead we really have. (He set up a retirement fund for the man? Or did he have a penchant for the poet William Blake, which makes more sense given that the killer in this tale murdered people who liked poetry?)

60. The librarian's eyes arched, "I'm he. Do I know you?" (Not his eyebrows--his eyes. What a ghastly mental image this presents. . . .)

61. I must be in some sort of hallucianic dream! (Ms. Nitpicker can sympathize, having often felt like this when trapped in a badly proofread story.

62. What went trough you as you lay there, all alone and in pain?

63. But this," showing off the leather scourge, "you know doubt no what this is.

64. They'll have to declare marshal law.

65. Docter's report said that he was sure she just made such fast progress because she decided never to relay on someone again. (What does she have against relay races?)

66. Davenger drug his eyes over to the green boys.

67. They shared eyes, Giles wanting to rip the smile from his face. (Bit unhygienic, isn't it?)

68. Shear terror began to overwhelm him as Blair realized the helplessness of his situation. (With that lovely long curly hair, of course he's afraid of scissors.)

69. The next 3 days Jenny had been in Giles bed regrouprating.

70. Jim smiled at her. Barbara Jenkins had been Blair's day nurse since he had been brought in. Jim appreciated the special car she gave his partner. (How come my nurses never give ME a car? I'm a great patient! Not as sexy as Blair, but still, I deserve at least a motorcycle. . . .)

71. As soon as Buffy's group entered the wherehouse, they were flanked by what had to have been a group of thirty.

72. But nevertheless, the face struck a cord in the Sentinel. (Ms. Nitpicker was under the impression that Jim was WELL-HUNG, not WELL-STRUNG. . . .)[Also, "but" and "nevertheless" are virtually the same word. Pick one.]

73. "I'm thirsty," he crooked.

74. Jim's mind clouded and he trashed on the bed like a man possessed.

75. He shot his eyes, trying not to think about his impending death. (Death is certainly impending, after he shot his eyes out! What did he expect?)

76. Duncan didn't like the coloring on Joe's face, but at least he was getting better. (Not if those nurses keep using his face for a coloring book.)

77. As a result they were attacked before she noticed the vampires were there, and right at that moment the spell started working, causing Giles to lose his conciseness and fall to the ground.(Don't you hate it when he falls down and starts talking at length?

78. What he saw was an IV tube in his left arm, a thick, white bandage encircling his bicep....(No, he didn't. There's no such thing as a bicep. It's a biceps.)

79. Gently he shook his guide's shoulder, who for the most part still appeared to be in a daze. (Ms. Nitpicker is curious: how DO you know that a shoulder is in a daze?)

80. The statue baring vampire nodded at the other two and cautiously they made their way down the corridor to the door they had entered through. (Just can't leave those statues clothed, eh?)

81. Methos visibly shrieked back at her words.

82. "OH GOD!" he gasped, then turning away from the grizzly remains he promptly threw up in the bushes. (Ah, they hurt a poor bear, did they?)

83. "Well at least you don't turn green and puck your guts out." Blair replied sullenly.(It must have been a rough hockey game, the sort that leaves one wanting to puke, don't you think?)

    LI>A died blonde head cocked towards him and once again he was trapped in the icy blue gaze. (No doubt the FDA will be after them. Ms. Nitpicker feared hair dyes would turn out to be dangerous; everything she likes, does.)

84. Jim's arms went around Blair, holding on and making gentle cooing sounds of comfort. (His arms make cooing noises? Ms. Nitpicker will have nightmares tonight.)

85. Alex's voice broke through the vision, banishing it to the nether hell from wince it came. (Are you wincing? Ms. Nitpicker is....)

86. He shook off the memory with sheer will, pushed his glasses up on his noses and began to read.

87. He soared above the pain, flew above the sorted, dirty perversions of other men who had stolen that freedom from him, had tried to make him a slave for their passions and their plots and schemes. (As a former Library Science minor, Ms. Nitpicker is pleased that at least those perversions were organized--alphabetically, no doubt.)
88. His eyes lifted to Jim's ernest gaze.Is this a Jim Varney sort of gaze? An "Ernest T. Bass" gaze from the ANDY GRIFFITH SHOW? Or was it meant to be an "earnest" gaze, perhaps?

89. Bashir jerked backward, the right half of his body suddenly consumed by what felt like molten mead poured through his veins.

90. The Watcher and Slayer drug the bodies into the shrubs and made their way through the cover of shadows. (Gave them an LSD high, did they?)

91. It is another way that Lee could have purposed.

92. RUSSERECTION OF THE INCREDIBLE HULK! (story title)

93. The Wolf had one. [No, he's not bragging about his anatomy; Oz has just won the battle against the Werewolf within.]

94. Your rein of terror is over and you can’t hurt any of us anymore. (So drop those reins and get off your high horse already!)

95. The earlier parts of his journal, before pain showed its ugly face, reviled to her a side of him she had never before seen…

96. She stumbled forward, rolled under their arms, got to her feet and spoon arund to face them.

97. Where something easily removed.

98. Angelus and Spike are there to wreck a little havoc.

99. Faith wakes up after her romp with Spike, and makes a few desitions.

100. STORY SUMMARY (or "summery" as some sites put it): Giles looses Buffy and seeks redemption.

101. STORY SUMMARY: Giles waits for Buffy while his conscience prays on him. (Don't you hate those consciences with religious obsessions?)

102. Chaos greeted the retuned Champion, whose savage continence stuck fear into God fearing men… [Don't you hate those out-of-tune champions who can't control their bladders?]

103. She pulled back again and wiggled against him experimentally, heat rushing through her as she felt a tell-tail bulge. [Well, there may have been a little tail involved somewhere, but that bulge tells a tale, you see...]

104. But soon, another man came up beside Ebo, a tall, white man, dressed in the cossack of a priest.[Must've been a Russian Orthodox priest....]

105. She had thought about killing him herself in a suicide pack, but it would have been quick and painless. [These things should be done in the singular, don't you think?]

106. Dark times had ruled the world, filling it with war and decease. [Well, yes, people do get deceased during wars....]

OTHER NITS TO PICK

GENERALITIES
DIALOGUE
CHARACTER THOUGHTS
PUNCTUATION (NOT JUST IN DIALOGUE)
VOCABULARY
REDUNDANCY AND REPETITION
MS. NITPICKER'S CONTINUING HALL OF SHAME (Shame on you if you bother clicking here.)
THE CHEAT SHEET INDEX will provide character details and helpful links for some fandoms.

I think I need more guidance. Send me to HOLY MOTHER GRAMMATICA'S GUIDE TO GOOD WRITING or to THE BIG LIST OF FANFIC PEEVES or perhaps to DANGERMOM'S HANDY DANDY GRAMMAR GUIDE.

I feel I have learned all I need to learn, and want to take MS. NITPICKER'S FAN FICTION TEST--HOW WELL CAN YOU WRITE?

As I know everything there is know about fan fiction errors, I want to return to the home page. for this strange person.