You do WHAT!?!?!?!

    I am a self-injurer. Most of the time people like me are simply called "cutters," but not all of us cut. I, for instance, burn a lot too. With matches, mainly. I've been doing this for about three years, since I was 13. Actually, my self-injurious behavior can be traced way back to my childhood, when I use to bang my head against a wall or my bedpost and scratch my arms, legs, and especially my face with my fingernails. But the more obvious behavior came about in junior high. I recently filled out a survey for Self-Injury: A Struggle. My answers might explain a little more about me. 

Are you:: female

How old are you currently?: 17

How old were you when you first SI-ed?: 13

Why do you SI?: It gives me the relief that nothing else can. 

What is your main method of SI (cutting, burning, hitting, etc.)? Do you have any others?: Burning, with matches in particular. And cutting with razor blades, the kind that are used in utility knives. I've used many other things too: lighters, knifes, razor blades, even safety pins. But matches and razor blades are my favorites. 

How often do you SI (everyday, once a week, etc.)? For how long usually?: I go through phases; sometimes I won't SI for several weeks, then I'll start doing it every day. A couple weeks ago I did it five times in one day. It's rather erratic. It usually takes only five minutes, if that, but again it depends on the mood. When I'm angry, I just slash or burn repeatedly but quickly, and then it's over. But if I'm calmer, I can drag it out much longer. 

Do you feel pain when you SI? Or have you dissociated?: If I'm angry and caught up in the moment, I don't feel pain. About two months I came home from school one day, very upset, and I just grabbed my matches and started burning. I had used all the matches in the book, and was searching for more, before I even realized when I was doing. If I'm not as upset, I'll still feel pain, but it's not much. I've gotten used to it.

How do you feel before, during, and after you SI?: Before I start, I feel extremely stressed or depressed. Usually some of both. During it, I just feel free. It's such a release to me. After I calm down and stop hurting myself, I feel so relieved, yet guilty. It's still worth it though. 

Do you have any rituals?: I try to allow myself only three matches per "session". If I don't set a limit, I will just keep going and going. I usually end up with three small, round burns that form a circular pattern. My mother once said that they looked like crop circles. 

Have you ever SI-ed in front of anyone? Have you ever been caught?: Only once did I do it in front of someone. I was having an argument with a close friend who knew about my habit, and I just broke down and grabbed my matchbook. He was terribly upset about it, and I regret having done it right before his eyes. Then, much later, I cut myself at school and a friend saw me right afterwards. I was still bleeding. She freaked out, and since then I've been trying to quit. Many people have noticed my scars, but I make up excuses for them. My close friends and family have figured it out, and usually they just don't comment. 

Do you know anybody who SI's? Did they have any influence on your own behavior?: I know of several people who have done it once or twice, usually while on some kind of drug, but I don't know anyone irl who does it to cope like I do. Just recently I met a couple who used to do it but stopped. I've met lots of people online though. 

How do you hide your SI?: Long sleeves. Most of my scars are on my arms, so sleeves cover them nicely.

Have you ever told anyone you SI? If yes, then who?: My family figured it out on their own, but I have told a few close friends. 

How did they react and what did you feel?: My friends were upset, but supportive. I have not lost any friends over it, thankfully, but I know that it makes people uncomfortable. I always feel better when I tell someone, because I most likely have lied to them in the past about my scars, and I hate lying. But sometimes that is the best option...

Why did you tell? If you haven't told anyone, why not?: All of my close friends have noticed the scars at some point or another, and lying to them makes me feel awful. Sometimes it's nice to get it out in the open too, even if people don't really understand it. 

Since you've told has living with your SI been easier or more difficult? If you haven't told how do you think things would change if you did?: When I started hurting myself three years ago, my friends noticed right away. I have always had at least one person in my life who knew about it. I think this does make it easier though, because it gave me at least one person who I could be honest with. I never really talked out it though, and there is a HUGE difference between having someone who knows about and having someone to talk to about it. 

Do you want to stop SI-ing? Why?: Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. I want to stop because it is an awful, destructive habit that makes me feel even worse about myself. Right now I am trying to quit because I know how much it is hurting those around me. It's really hard though. 

Do you have any coping skills that help stop you from SI-ing? If so, what are they?: Once I get into the mindset, there is usually nothing I can do to stop it other than exert sheer willpower. I have done this only a few times, usually I just give into it because I know that I will feel better when I'm through.

Have you ever gotten any medical or psychiatric treatment for your SI? How many times? Have you ever been in-patient in a psychiatric facility for SI?: I have been seeing doctors and counselors for depression and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) since I was seven. When my parents found out about my self injury, they took me to yet another doctor. I fought with my parents and doctors for months, and was threatened repeatedly with the idea of being institutionalized, but nothing ever came of it. My parents eventually gave up, and my self injury continues. 

Do you take any medicine for your SI? If yes, which medication?: I have been prescribed Prozac and other antidepressants maybe a half dozen times, both before and during my self injury phase, but I refuse to take the medication. I was on an anti-depressant once, as a child, and it only made my condition worsen. 

Have you ever been refused therapy or lost a psychologist because of your SI?: Not yet. 

Do you have any other disorders apart from SI?: depression, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

Have you ever suffered any abuse?: My father was very emotionally abusive toward me when I was a child, and he sometimes came close to what might be considered physical abuse.