Watching and Waiting

By BadgerGater

Season: 7

Episode: Orpheus

Spoilers: anything

Category: drama, missing scene

Pairing: None

Summary: Jack must do the right thing, no matter how difficult

Rating: PG

Warnings: None

Author's Note: Dedicated to Brenda, whose fresh view of Stargate has led me to a new appreciation for the power of the friendship between Jack and Teal’c

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Sometimes, I wonder what they must think of me, that they could look at me like that.

Ask a question like that.

Do I really seem that hard and unfeeling on the outside?

Do they think I don’t know what’s going on down there?

Do they think that I’m deaf, dumb and blind?

Do they think that I don’t care?

Do they think that I’m enjoying it, taking some kinky satisfaction out of hearing the sounds of his pain?

Do they think that I don’t desperately want to be doing something?

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My fingers itch to pull the trigger, to put a bullet right into the middle of that SOB’s forehead. It would be so easy, I think, as I track Jaffa White Hair through the sites of my sniper rifle. A tiny bit of pressure on the trigger, and that bastard is history.

The muscles in my back and thighs bunch and twitch as, unbidden, adrenaline courses through me in anticipation of a fight.

A fight I can’t start because I can’t win.

Too few of us; too many of them.

Patience.

God, it’s hard, hard enough without their accusatory looks and damning words.

I close my eyes and try not to hear, them, or him.

My back spasms in sympathy with the sick sound of blows striking flesh, again and again and again. Of the sounds of a human, a teammate, a friend, a brother, fighting the pain.

I know what it’s like, to be in the hands of the enemy.

I know how it feels, to be forced to endure.

I know how hard it is, to hold in the pain, and hold onto your soul.

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I hate this.

I hate them.

I hate being in charge.

I hate being able to do nothing.

I hate the angry glares directed my way.

Do I have to explain it? Explain myself?

I know it doesn’t actually say Colonel anywhere on my uniform at the moment, but damn it, haven’t I earned their respect? And their trust?

Can they think this isn’t ripping me apart?

That’s Teal’c down there. Warrior. Teammate. Friend. Brother.

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I can’t mess this up.

The stakes are immense, the consequences of my action, or inaction, going far beyond Teal’c’s life.

Teal’c is not the most important one here.

Ry’ac is.

Teal’c would, rightly, never forgive me if something happened to his son, if I risked Ry’ac’s life to save his.

And I understand. More than anyone else here ever could, I understand.

Even before that moment at the start of this mission, in the gateroom, when he laid that burden of his trust on my shoulders.

I would ask the same of him, if I still had a son.

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So I wait, here, atop this ridge, surrounded by the sullen, angry silence, watching impotently.

Fighting my every instinct.

Bearing the censure of my teammates.

Now is not a time for heroics.

Now is a time for leadership… patience…calmness… thinking… planning… plotting… the actions of a Colonel, not of a friend…

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Down below, they’ve started again.

Even here, so very far away, I can’t shut out the sounds of a human in distress.

Don’t watch.

Don’t listen.

Don’t feel.

I lower my head to rest my forehead on my hands, closing my eyes, wishing I could close my ears.

I’m sorry, T.

I understand.

I know what it is to be you.

I know what it is to be in the hands of the enemy.

I know what is is to be a father.

And the price you pay for that privilege.

I won’t fail you.

Hard as it is, I won’t give in.

I’ll be strong.

As strong as you, my friend.

You may not believe that you are as you once were, but I know that strength is borne in the heart and the will, not in the frail shell of humanity that contains us.

Hold on.

Trust me.

I won’t let you down.

When the time is right, I’ll act.

I know it hurts.

I know you must be wondering why.

And when.

Trust me.

I’ll be there.

No one gets left behind.

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