Cowboy

Author: BadgerGater

Email: BadgerGater@cs.com

Category: Humor

Rating: G

Season:

Summary: Jack's visit to a new planet turns into a mooving experience

Warnings: Pure silliness

Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, Gekko Productions; all the powers that be, not me; This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money exchanged hands. No copyright infringement intended. The story is the property of the author and may not be posted (Heliopolis, Jack's Place excepted) without the author's consent.

Authors Notes: Blame this on Tanya. And my job (I really do write about cows for a living. Just not cows like these.)

Ever have one of those days when life is just a little too weird? Okay, okay, yeah, I have them often, real often. I'm Jack O'Neill, Colonel, USAF, and I make a living walking through this big, honkin' metal ring with 39 nice little pictures on it, riding some alien interstellar wormhole-thingy to other planets, where I meet people, make friends and in general its my job to haul my team out of trouble, and, so, yeah, sometimes they have to haul me out of trouble.

Don't believe it? Figured you wouldn't. No, it's not some story in the National Enquirer. The USAF has managed to keep it, and us, and the Stargate program pretty quiet.

I've been doing this for three years now, and I've gotten used to seeing some pretty weird stuff. Little gray men. Spaceships. Aliens with glowing eyes. Guys with little snakelets in belly pouches.

Now, I gotta say it, usually things are pretty straightforward, as far as exploring the universe goes. It's not at all like those TV shows and movies, with ray guns and half-naked women and little Yoda aliens. Actually, you know, when you've seen one planet, you've pretty much seen them all because in general there's not much difference, one to another, really, since the Stargate system connects worlds that were picked exactly because they were alike. They've got all the usuals, you know, air, water, sunlight, trees, sand, and rocks. Sometimes a place has got a few additions, like humans, or reetu, or other critters.

And then there were... oh Lord, I can hardly say it. I'm not sure I can ever eat another steak again.

Okay, so it started like any other day at the office, final briefing with the general, gearing up in the locker room, gathering in the gateroom, and then I stepped first through the wormhole to P3R-500. In a matter of seconds my molecules were whisked across the galaxy and re-assembled at another Stargate and I was tossed, rather unceremoniously I might add, out of the gate. I hit the platform awkwardly, couldn't catch my balance, landed on my butt, rolled over about six times and crashed into something.

<><><><>

When I woke up, someone standing above me was saying, "I've never seen anything that looked like that before. Have you, dear?"

And someone else, I could tell further away, answered, "And what a strange coat he has! Rough, not soft and smooth."

Critiquing my clothes? What had I landed in the middle of, a fashion show? Something or someone was tugging on my shirt. I opened my eyes, everything was spinning, so I slammed them shut again. Quick. Way to go, Jack, another concussion. Falling out of the gate. Good job. Those jarheads are never going to let me live this one down.

"Ooh, but he does have bovine eyes, Elsie."

"Lovely brown eyes," cooed the other voice. Yes, cooed. I haven't heard remarks like that, and in that tone of voice, since, well, since that blonde..... Oh never mind.

Squinting, because my head hurt, a lot, I opened one eye experimentally, saw some big shadowy thing right above me, and groaned.

I'd been captured by...

What? I opened my eyes again, despite the consequences, and shut them quick.

All righty, then, Jack, you must still be unconscious because there's no way you've been captured by....

Cows?

Carefully, I opened one eye again. If I squinted, things seemed to stay pretty much in place. There, I could see the Stargate. And over there, the DHD. And back that way, there were trees, and between the trees and me, there was grass and eating the grass, there were... cows. Slowly, I closed my eye, opened it again. Dang it. Still there. Cows.

And then above and sort of behind me, so that I had to twist around to look over my shoulder, at her, was a cow. Don't know much about cows, no sir. I grew up in Chicago, remember. City boy. Not many cows in Chicago. I think they call those black and white cows, "Ah, beersteins," I muttered.

"Holsteins," said the voice above me.

Concussion or not, I leaped to my feet, got dizzy and promptly crashed back to Earth, er P3R-500. "Talking cows? No way." Talking horses, ala Mr. Ed, okay, but cows? Nah.

"So it can speak," said another voice.

I was not opening my eyes again, because obviously I was having delusions, both audio and visual. Talking cows. Okay, so I couldn't help myself. I opened that one eye again, and there they were. Two cows, placidly looking at me.

"Oh, Bessie, you are right, the rest of him is quite ugly, but he does have beautiful brown eyes," said that voice that cowwed, I mean cooed.

Ugly? Hey wait a minute, a cow is calling me, ugly? Yeah, so as a kid I always dreamed of growing up to be a cowboy, but this isn't exactly what I had in mind. No hat. No horse. No pretty girl to ride off into the sunset with. And the cows, it seemed, were herding me.

"Ah, look, ladies, I'd, ah, I'd like to go home now. Back through the Stargate," I said carefully.

"Oh, we can't let you do that. You're the most interesting visitor we've ever had. We've never seen anything like you before."

"Are there others like you?" Bessie, I think that one was Bessie, asked.

"Millions."

"Oooh, are they all like you? Strange coats?"

"But beautiful brown eyes?

"Ahh, no, some have blue eyes, or green or gray..." I pulled my hat off my head to run my fingers through my hair, and the cows jumped back.

"What was that?" asked Elsie, with a quiver in her voice.

"You come apart?" said Bessie, trembling.

"Ah, these are clothes. Coverings for the body. You can take them off, put 'em back on again." I started to chuckle. Don't get hysterical Jack, here you are, explaining clothes to a cow.

"So your skin is, is" the cow shuddered, "bare?"

"A skin disease?" suggested the other, backing away from me.

"No, no, humans come this way. Only hair in a couple of places, the head, the chest, ahh, other ah, strategic places," I told them.

"Don't you get cold?"

"That's why we have shirts and jackets."

"Clothes?"

"Yes, these coverings, they're clothes called a jacket and a shirt. See," and I showed her how my jacket and shirt could be removed.

"And your hooves, are they artificial, too?"

"Ah, hooves? Oh, yeah boots, yup genuine Air Force issue cowhide..."

"Cowhide?" the one called Bessie shrieked, and ran away.

The whole herd went stampeding after her.

<><><><><>

I lurched to my feet, staggered to the DHD, dialed for home, barely remembering to send the GDO code. I jumped into the gate, and made anther bad exit, rolling and crashing into something.

"I think he's waking up."

"Yeah, I just saw his eyes open. They look a little..."

"Brown," I mumbled.

"Glazed," said Sam.

I opened my eyes, snapped them closed, but not before I saw the Stargate, the DHD, in the distance trees, and standing over me.... I opened my eyes again. Daniel, and Sam and Teal'c all looking a little worried.

"Sir? Are you okay?"

"Mmm, fine. Just peachy."

"You hit your head, Sir, I think you have a concussion."

"Oh, I'm quite sure I have a concussion, unless there are talking cows on this planet." Through the one eye I had open, I saw Daniel and Sam exchange glances.

"Definitely a concussion," smirked Daniel.

"I think we should return through the Stargate and have Dr. Fraiser examine Colonel O'Neill," said Teal'c the only brown-eyed face I could see, thank goodness.

"Yeah, good idea," said Sam. "Let's go, Sir."

She helped me to my feet, Daniel dialed home, Sam sent the GDO code and we stepped back through the gate, Teal'c holding my left arm, Sam my right, supporting me so I didn't do another grand rolling/crashing Stargate exit. One head injury is enough for any day.

Janet was at the ramp, escorted me down to the infirmary, and checked me over. "Minor concussion, Sir. We'll have to keep you here overnight for observation."

"Sure, Doc." Just so long as they didn't let the cows in.

<><><><><>

Several hours later, a nurse woke me and handed me a glass. "Here you are, Sir."

"What's this?"

"Well, Sir, it's what you kept asking for, Colonel. Dr. Fraiser said it was a little odd, but fine, good for you, actually.

"What is it? I asked suspiciously.

"Just a milk shake, Sir."

FINIS