Didn't you hear that God is a convicted felon? Yeah, people seem to find him in jail a lot.

Catholics are against abortions.

Catholics are against homosexuals.

But, I can't think of anyone who has less abortions than homosexuals! -- George Carlin

George Carlin's Revised List of 2 Commandments:

1) Thou shalt be honest and faithful to the provider of thy nookie.

2) Thou shalt try very hard not to kill anyone.

Jesus made his usual rounds in heaven when he noticed a wizened, white-haired old man sitting in a corner looking very disconsolate. The next week he was disturbed to come across him again, looking equally miserable, and a week later he stopped to talk to him.

"See here, old fellow," said Jesus kindly, "this is heaven. The sun is shining, you've got all you could want to eat, all the instruments you might want to play-- you're supposed to be blissfully happy! What's wrong?

"Well," said the old man, "you see, I was a carpenter on earth, and lost my only, dearly beloved son at an early age. And here in heaven I was hoping more than anything to find him."

"Tears sprang from Jesus' eyes. "FATHER!" he cried.

The old man jumped to his feet, bursting into tears, and sobbed, "PINOCCHIO!"

Top 21 Good Things About Hell

21. None of that annoying check-in procedure like with St. Peter.

20. Due to recent health code changes, vats of boiling brimstone now use low-fat canola oil.

19. Your "Do you smell something burning?" slays 'em, year after year.

18. Plenty of legal help available for filing "wrongful death" lawsuit.

17. Newly passed law: Three strikes and you're back in LA.

16. Satan's confused attempts to torture masochists can be highly entertaining.

15. No need to pack the parka over Bob Dole's election chances.

14. Well, sure, it's hot, but it's a *dry* heat.

13. Free prostate checks and PAP smears administered daily!

12. The surprisingly entertaining "Hitler and Kathie Lee Show."

11. Every Thursday is Karaoke Night, hosted by Dean Martin and Sammy Davis, Jr.

10. Prizes awarded for best crank phone calls to God.

9. Everywhere you look, there's a smoking section!

8. Big step up from Bakersfield.

7. Your little "blue flame" trick now produces spectacular results.

6. Free Microsoft software for everyone (as per agreement made back in early 80's).

5. Now that you've followed her advice, you just might get that date with Cindy Crawford.

4. 52 smmmmmokin' channels of Jim Carrey!

3. Saturday night WWF tag-team bout between Genghis Khan, Vlad the Impaler, and Hitler.

2. Everyone gets a length of pipe and a daily crack at Nancy Kerrigan's knee.

1. Fortune to be made on "Welcome, O.J." t-shirts.

A burglar was cruising through one of our posh suburbs looking for a target of opportunity. At one house he saw a truck unloading a big screen television, stereo, and video outfit. All the gear had to cost thousands of dollars. He made a mental note and went on his way.

The next day he was back in the same neighborhood. When he drove past the house with all the goodies, he saw an elderly couple loading suitcases into the trunk of their car. He could hardly wait.

That night, without a moon in the sky and a heavy fog, he drove up to the house. He rang the doorbell and when no one answered, broke the lock on the kitchen door and went in.

It was pitch black inside as he made his way through the kitchen, then the dining room and into the den where he expected to find the things he wanted to steal.

"I see you and Jesus sees you," a voice said.

The burglar froze in his tracks.

"I see you and Jesus sees you," the voice said again.

When nothing more happened, the burglar took out his flashlight and shinned it in the direction of the voice. All he saw was a parrot on its perch.

"I see you and Jesus sees you."

The burglar laughed.

"Just a dumb bird," he said.

The burglar closed the drapes before turning on a lamp and that's when he saw a big and mean looking Doberman Pincher sitting beneath the parrot's perch.

"Sic him, Jesus!" the parrot said.

16 Reasons Why God Never Received Tenure at the University

1. He had only one major publication

2. And it was in Hebrew

3. And it had no references

4. And it was not published in a refereed journal

5. And some even doubted that He wrote it Himself.

6. It may be true that He created the world, but what has He done since then?

7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.

8. The scientific community has had a very rough time trying to replicate His results.

9. He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects.

10. When one experiment went awry, He tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.

11. When subjects did not behave as predicted, He often punished them, or just deleted them from the sample.

12. He rarely came to class: He just told students to read the book.

13. He has his son teach the class.

14. He expelled His first two students for learning too much.

15. Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed His tests.

16. His office hours were infrequent, and usually held on a mountain top.