Students of history can often point to certain poor decisions as 'turning points' in history.  Such were Napoleon's trip to Waterloo, Lord Cornwallis's lead at Yorktown, Hitler's decision to invade Russia, and Japan's bright idea to bomb Pearl Harbor.  To this list we can add the Penn State Faculty Senate's resolution to denounce negative cheering at football games.

Upon first reading this, you might think it's a stupid idea to denounce booing at football games.  After all, Booing makes aircraft--not sportsmanship.  But after you carefully consider the proposition--thoughtfully approaching it with an open mind--you discover that it is a really, really stupid idea.

The resolution--if you have not already had the opportunity to laugh at it--calls for an announcement at the beginning of each Penn State home football game asking fans to refrain from cheering negatively ("booing") the Faculty Senate.  Fans are also respectfully asked not to make fun of the Faculty Senate.  And, by a narrow margin, they voted to ask that each fan vote Democratic.

The faculty wants to discourage booing of the team (visitors and home alike,) the coaches and the officials.

Are they crazy?  The officials?

The men in stripes already wield too much power and are immune from reprimand on the field, throwing their little yellow snot rags around any old way they please.  If it were not for the 96,000 people in the stands--who obviously have a better view and can make the call better--expressing their displeasure, how else would these egomaniacs with no fashion sense realize the error of their ways?

The resolution is just another small step in the grand scheme to eliminate the fan from sports.

It all began when they outlawed alcohol in the stadium.  This triggered a cascade of events that ultimately prohibited alcohol in the classrooms.  Euclidian geometry and macroeconomics make no sense to this day.   Organic chemistry has never been the same, but at least you can brew your own alcohol in the lab when the professor isn't watching.

More recently, they have started announcing that fans should stand and remove their hats while singing the national anthem.  They don't even say Simon says.  This  obviously discriminates against fans that cannot stand (from drinking outside the stadium), fans that don't wear hats, and those that can't carry a tune in a suitcase.

Now, fans are not permitted to boo.  It will be taboo to boo.

Soon, we will only be able to cheer on cue.  Ultimately, the fan will be replaced by a carefully orchestrated soundtrack.

And then the sober fan will discover that if he/she wants to enjoy a beer during the game, express negative cheering to his/her heart's desire, and throw things at the blind referees, he/she can stay at home, hurling objects at his/her TV in a drunken stupor while booing loudly enough to frighten his/her neighbors.  And he/she doesn't have to buy a ticket or donate money.

When you look at the cost of attending a PSU football game, you quickly realize how stupid we fans are.  And now, we will not have the benefit of critiquing that which we are paying a lot of money for.  Personally, if I pay a lot of money for something, and I am not happy with it, I go and boo that person.  Many is the time I have booed a car salesman, the clerk at a store, or my tax collector.  Many is the time I have been arrested for disturbing the peace, but I digress.

I guess what concerns me the most, is that there are not enough knowledgeable people on the faculty senate to realize just how stupid this idea is.  What exactly do they think the response will be?  It's like asking a convention room full of people with Tourette's syndrome to refrain from swearing.  Do they not realize that after this announcement is made, they are going to hear the loudest chorus of boos ever uttered in State College?

How can we--the FANS--express our displeasure at this idiotic resolution?  We could silently, and reverently, thrust out our tongues in unison.  We could adopt some hand gesture or sign language that would give new meaning to "doing the wave."  Or, we could just boo the faculty senate.

Is this University Park or Gorky Park?

Are we BLUE-blooded Americans defending our freedom of speech (and making obnoxious sounds,) or are we RED Communists?

I, for one, will be booing the announcement--if I can stop from laughing long enough.

© 2000 by Todd A. Sponsler, MD.  For "Humor Dispensed in Nearly Fatal Doses."