Tim

Pete and Tim's page for Jerks and their Mothers
(Who is this Tim fellow?)

Many people ask me, 'Tim, how'd you get to be so sexy, huh?'. To these people I say, 'Like I'm going to tell you, dork. I sure as hell didn't get this sexy by telling people all my secrets. But here's a hint, I had my dad run me over with his truck.'.

CLICK HERE for 45 free minutes with 1-900-SEXY-TIM

This is me. I'm Probably talking to Pete. I imagine I am saying something like, "Ok, Pete, we have the web page... Now we just need to decide where we want to post our stock, Nasdaq or the NYSE." If the picture seems grainy it's because your computer is garbage.

I was born in 1978. Yes, I am of legal drinking age, and to prove it I am writing this autobiography drunk. So drunk, in fact, that I may let a few personal facts that I didn't want you freaks knowing about slip. I don't remember too much about my life before I was born. To be honest most of my life after I was born is a blur. But here goes nothing.

Where was I born?: I was born in the small town of Willows California. Town Motto "We have rice! Also a bowling ally!"

Birth date: August something... 1978. I'm a Leo, if that means anything to you.

I pick my boogers and eat them because I hate to be wasteful. Also, I like the taste.

Sex: I'm a man, baby!

The first thing I ever said: 'Nu Nah nu nah nu nah..... BAT MAN!" My mom was so proud.

Favorite bands: U2, Sonic Youth, Violent Femmes, Led Zeplin, Everclear, Counting Crows, NOFX, Elliott Smith (more of a man than a band), Neil Diamond (also just a man), and the Red Hot Chilli Peppers. Oh, almost forgot the Dead Milkmen.

Sometimes I poop for hours just to get out of stuff, like chores.

Something about me most people don't know: Naked, I look much like Brad Pitt. Really.

Major in College: Psychology.

I wet my pants in first grade once.

Things I hate: Old people (unless they are related to me), Golf, Bon Jovi, Other people's guts, Old people's dogs (you know... those little dogs that bark and bark and bark....), Tight pants, Cowboy hats, Country Music/Rap, The way old people smell... This list goes on and on, but I'll spare you because I like you.

Things I love: Angelina Jolie... I guess that's it.

Favorite song (for now): Pea, by the Red Hot Chilli Peppers

I drink beer not because it makes me drunk but because I like the taste.

Favorite Lyric: From 'American Girls' by Weezer and Soul Coughing.... "Darling, I'm afraid to close my eyes when I go into bed. I'm afraid you'll crack the phone down over my head. Why are all american girls so rough? Damn, that girl can't ever hurt you enough."

People, that's it. The tour is over. If you have any questions feel free to mail me and maybe I'll answer them. Or maybe I'll just make fun of you.