HUMOR
INTRODUCTION
As we begin to age our health starts to deteriorate. The material body is not built to last forever. In this modern era of pollution, poor diet, etc. we need to educate ourselves and not throw in the towel, because there are things we can do.
I decided to read "Anatomy of an Illness" by Norman Cousins. The short of it is, he was diagnosed with an incurable illness which he cured through the use of Belly Laughter, Vitamin C therapy, & medicine.
Briefly I wish to point out, while many feel they will just start taking lots of Vitamin C, after reading his book I realize that there can be bad side effects even to this - when we don't know 'fully' what we're dooing. Therefore all should seek the help of a medical practitioner.
With that said...... Norman Cousins has also given significant evidence that the laughter was more than just a placebo but had a scientific, beneficial, medical effect on his health. I felt so hopeful and inspired by his writings that I feel it's time we all started to lighten up a little and laugh. Who knows, it may even prolong our lifespan.
The thing about humor is, what tickles one persons funny bone may not tickle someone else's. The medical benefit from the laughter, Norman Counsins pointed out, was the greatest when he laughed so hard with a ten minute belly-roll type of laugh.
While not all jokes here hit me that way, many do, & most are pretty darn good. I've tried my best to put some real belly-roll jokes here. If you have any good ones that really "crack you up" and are clean, email them to me. I just might put them here, and could use the help.
I'll also interweave a few quotes from his book which may help some like myself who need a scientific basis to keep doing this. (Anyone would would like to buy it, I got mine from amazon.com)
Lets start with this one from Anatomy of an Illness, pg 40
"How scientific was it to believe that laughter - as well as the positive emotions in general - was affecting the body chemistry for the better? If laughter did in fact have a salutary effect on the body's chemistry, it seemed at least theoretically likely that it would enhance the system's ability to fight the inflammation. So we took sedimentation rate readings just before as well as several hours after the laughter episodes. Each time, there was a drop of at least five points." (A drop is good.)
Additionally, as I find other scientific data proving the healing effects of laughter, I will interweave them here as well.
DISCLAIMER: Religious, as well as other humor, are needed so we can all lighten up as well as get along. I have done my best to use only clean jokes and those in good taste. Please do not take anything personal. We're just trying to laugh at ourselves (and others) to make it easier to approach such topics. My apologies if you find anything here objectionable. Please know it was not with intent.
Ready? Ok let's go! :)
INDEX ~ Can click on one, OR just scroll. :-)
Lawyer Jokes (& "Dumb Criminals")
School / College / Teacher .... Humor
CONTRIBUTIONS
- HUMOR SUBMITTED BY READERS
Misc. Funny Links & Video Clips
MISC. JOKES :-)
Is it possible for some people to get addicted to therapy?
If so, how would you treat them?
~~~
Old saying: Change your mind, change your reality
New saying: I like my reality, stop trying to change my mind. :)
~~~
A coincidence is when God performs a miracle, & decides to remain anonymous. :)
~~~
~~~
I wasn't always a comedian, before this I was a house painter for 5 years. ...... FIVE years...... (sigh)...... I thought I'd NEVER finish that dang house!
~~~
Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
~~~
Two rules to success in life:
1. Don't tell people everything you know.
~~~
HOW THINGS CHANGE IN ONLY 30 YEARS
1972: Long hair
2002: Longing for hair
1972: The perfect high
2002: The perfect high yield mutual fund
1972: KEG
2002: EKG
<p>
1972: Acid rock
2002: Acid reflux
1972: Moving to California because it's cool
2002: Moving to California because
it's warm
1972: Growing pot
2002: Growing pot belly
1972: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2002: Trying NOT to look
like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
1972: Seeds and stems
2002: Roughage
1972: Killer weed
2002: Weed killer
1972: Hoping for a BMW
2002: Hoping for a BM
1972: The Grateful Dead
2002: Dr. Kevorkian
1972: Going to a new, hip joint
2002: Receiving a new hip joint
1972: Rolling Stones
2002: Kidney Stones
1972: Being called into the principal's office
2002: Calling the principal's
office
1972: Screw the system
2002: Upgrade the system
1972: Disco
2002: Costco
1972: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2002: Children begging you to
get their heads shaved (skin head).
1972: Passing the driver's test
2002: Passing the vision test
1972: Whatever
2002: Depends
Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change
things:
The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1985. They are too young to remember the first space shuttle blowing up.
Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
The CD was introduced the year they were born.
They have always had an answering machine.
They have always had cable.
They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
They never took a swim and thought about "Jaws".
They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
They don't know who "Mork" was or where he was from.
They don't have a clue how to use a manual typewriter.
Do you feel old yet?
Pass this on to the other old fogies in your life, and don't forget the youngins so they can see what the stone age was like ;-)
~~~~
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
~~~~
Life is hard. It's
"breathe, breathe, breathe," all the darn time! 
~~~~
(All respects and thanks to good humored Larry La
Prise.)
SAD NEWS
With all the trauma and sadness going on in the world at the moment, it's worth reflecting
on the death of a very important person which almost went unnoticed last week.
Larry La Prise, the man who wrote the song, the "Hokey Pokey" song died peacefully at age 93.
The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.
They put his left leg in, and then it fell out, they put his right leg in and tried to move it all about...and that's when the trouble did start.
~~~~
Once my sister, who has so many kids, said: "After I die, if I wake up in a place where I have to do laundry, I'll know I went to hell." :-)
~~~
Q) What makes God laugh?
A) When a doctor tells his patient: " 'I' cured you."
~~~
When Mahatma Gandhi was asked what he thought of Western Civilization, he replied: "I think it would be a good idea."
~~~
The reason you're in the material world is to get more material.
~~~
What's another word for Thesaurus?
~~~
You are unique, just like everyone else.
~~~
Most of us can read the writing on the wall; we just assume it's addressed to someone else.
~~~
The Water Pistol
A five year old son squealed with delight when he opened his birthday present from his grandmother. It was a water pistol. He promptly ran to the sink to fill it.
"Mom," I said. I'm surprised at you. "Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water pistols?"
My mom smiled and said, "Yes, I remember."
:-) :-)
~~~
College student: I lay on my bed, looked up at the stars - & thought to my self: "Where the hell is the ceiling?"
~~~
Two
mystics talking:
Q) How did you like my latest book, 'The Art of Levitation?'
A) Kept me up all night.
~~~
Whatever it is, peace on it!
~~~
Did you hear about the guy who called the police because he saw some people stealing things out of the shed in his back yard?
The police asked him if they were in his house and he said, "No." Then the police said that all units were busy and he should lock his doors. They would send someone as soon as they could.
The guy hung up, waited 30 seconds and called back. "I just called you about the people stealing things out of my shed. Well, don't worry about it, I shot them."
In less than five minutes, police cars screeched into his driveway, sirens blaring, and caught the thieves red-handed.
"I thought you said you shot them," said the officer.
"I thought you said no one was available," he replied.
~~~
Religion as Baseball
Calvinists believe the game is fixed.
Lutherans believe they can't win, but trust the Scorekeeper.
Quakers won't swing.
Unitarians can catch anything.
Amish walk a lot.
Pagans sacrifice.
Jehovah's Witnesses are thrown out often.
Televangelists get caught stealing.
~~~**~~~
Definition of Football: A game when 22 big, strong players run around like crazy for two hours while millions of people who really need the exercise sit and watch.
~~~
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.
~~~**~~~
Zen Judaism
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single "oy."
Karma: In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited.
.....So whose fault was that?
Let go of pride, ego, and opinions. Admit your errors and forgive those of others. Relinquishment will lead to calm and healing in your relationships.
.....If that doesn't work, try small claims court.
Accept misfortune as a blessing. Do not wish for perfect health or a life without problems.
.....What would you talk about?
Wherever you go, there you are. .....Your luggage is another story.
The Torah says, "Love thy neighbor as thyself." The Buddha says there is no "self." So, maybe you are off the hook. ...... So if there is no self, whose arthritis is this?
Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?
<p>
~~~
Q) What do you get when you cross a Buddhist and a Druid?
A) Someone who worships the tree that is not there.
~~~
Confucius say, "When you are angry at neighbor, walk a mile in his shoes. Then you will be a mile away from him, and you will have his shoes!"
<p>
~~~
<p>
Found in a fortune cookie: "You are a poor, pathetic, gullible fool who seeks advice from bakery products."
~~~
THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR DURING SURGERY
- - OOPS !!
- - I wonder what this does!
- - Hand me the saw someone!
- - Did he say the right or left leg?
<p>
- - I'd feel a lot better about this if tthe dotted lines were pre-drawn like back at night
school.
<p>
- - Bo! Bo! Come back with that! 
Bad dog!
<p>
- - Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
- - Hand me that...uh...that uh...thingy.
.
- - Better save that. We'll need it for tthe autopsy.
- - Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
- - Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 5500ml of this
stuff before?
- - Rats, there go the lights again...
<p>
- - "Ya know, there's big money in
<p>
- - Everybody stand back! I lost my contacct lens.
- - Could you stop that thing from beatingg: it's throwing
my concentration off.
- - What's this doing here?
- - That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!
- - I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.<<p>
- - Darn! Page 47 of the manual is missingg!
~~~
I asked a bookstore clerk, "Where's the self-help section?"
She said if she
told me, it would defeat the purpose.
~~~
A psychic, meeting another psychic on the street, asked: "You are fine. How am I?"
~~~
Classified Ad: "Psychic Wanted: You know where to apply."
~~~
If you believe in telekinesis - raise my hand!
~~~
Where you go in the hereafter.........
............depends on what you were here after.
~~~
FOOD FOR THOUGHT - Laughter exercises the diaphragm, abdominal, respiratory, facial, leg, and back muscles.
~~~
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
~~~
"I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault." - Albert Einstein
~~~
There are 3 kinds of people in this world.
Those who can count.
And those who can't.
~~~
A very nervous flyer once describing an airplane ride:
During a trip from California to
Indiana it didn't help that my connecting flight from Denver was delayed twice because of mechanical problems.
Then after we were aloft, I noticed the lights began flickering. I mentioned this to a flight attendant. "I'll take care of it," she said. Moments later the lights went out. Clearly she'd solved the problem by turning off the lights.
A passenger across the aisle who had been listening leaned over and said, "Whatever you do, please don't ask about the engines."
~~~
The person who says it cannot be done should not interrupt the person doing it.
~~~
Q) What do Buddhists talk about when they go preaching?
A) Nothing.
~~~
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi walk into a bar.
The bartender says: "What is this, some kind of a joke?" 
My church welcomes ALL
denominations ...
.... but really prefers tens and twenties
~~~
Don't Squeeze the Shaman.
<p><p>
~~~
*Unwritten Warning
Labels*
On a palm sander: Not to be used to sand palms.
On an infant's bathtub: Do not throw baby out with bath water.
On a Magic 8 Ball: Not advised for use as a home pregnancy test.
On work gloves: For best results, do not leave at crime scene.
On Odor Eaters: Do not eat.
On a microscope: Objects in view are larger and more alarming than they appear.
On alphabet blocks: Not for children. Letters may be used to construct words, phrases and sentences that may be deemed offensive.
~~~
"We live in a decaying age. Young people no longer respect their parents. They are rude and impatient. They frequently inhabit taverns and have no self control."
Inscription on 6,000 year-old Egyptian tomb.
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QUOTE from Anatomy of an Illness --
[First I'd like to point out that Norman Cousins, the author, had a very p-a-i-n-f-u-l disease (ankylosing spondylitis). I'd also like to point out that what works for each person is individual, simply his experience may be encouraging.]
"I made the joyous discovery that ten minutes of genuine belly laughter had an anesthetic effect and would give me at lest two hours of pain-free sleep." pg 39
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Cracking an international market is a goal of many growing
corporations. It shouldn't be that hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run into trouble because of language and
cultural differences:
Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American ad campaign: "Nothing sucks like an
Electrolux."
In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" came out as "Pepsi will bring your ancestors back
from the dead."
When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that "no
va" means
"it won't go." After the company figured out why it wasn't selling any cars, it
renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The answers are already within each of us.
Good luck matching them with the corresponding questions!
~~~
The following is the actual disclaimer made by producers of the life-after-death
movie called '"What Dreams May Come." .....
"The persons and events in this production are fictitious. No similarity to actual persons, living, dead or REINCARNATED is intended or should be inferred."
~~~
A boss asked one of his employees, "Do you believe in life after death?"
"Yes, sir," replied the new employee.
"I thought you would," said the boss. "Because yesterday after you left to
attend your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in here to see you!"
~~~
A Zen Buddhist goes up to an ice cream sunday stand and tells the vendor, "Make me one with everything." Then he gives the vendor a $20 bill and asks for his change.
The vendor then reminds the Buddhist: "Change comes from within."
~~~~
In today's world,
with so much stress,
and sometimes trauma,
the best way to get back on your feet,
is to get down on your knees.
~~~~
Did you hear about a meditating Hindu who visited the dentist for a root canal and requested no Novacaine?
Asked
"why" by a startled doctor, he explained he wanted "transcend-dental medication."
~~~~
Q) What do you get when you cross an agnostic with a dyslexic insomniac?
A) Someone who stays up all night wondering if there really is Dog.
~~~
Buddhist: "Technically we all live in our own dream world. Some just have better imaginations."
~~~**~~~**~~~**~~~
F
OOD FOR THOUGHT- "I adopted the theory of reincarnation when I was 26. Religion offered nothing to the point. When I discovered reincarnation ... time was no longer limited. I was no longer a slave to the hands of the clock." ~ Henry Ford, American auto industrialist (P.S. For those who don't know, his grandson became an initiated disciple of Srila Prabhupada.)
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QUOTE - Anatomy of an Illness, pg 143
"They [doctors] said it was scientifically correct for me to state in the NEJM (medical journal) article that, just as the negative emotions produce negative chemical changes in the body, so the positive emotions are connected to positive chemical changes."
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<p>
Q) How many blind followers does it take to change a light bulb?
A) None, as they prefer to remain in the dark.
~~~
How many college athletes does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but he gets 3 hours credit for it.
~~~
Q: How many Vulcans does it take to change a
light bulb?
A) One. Any more would be illogical.
~~~
Q) How many Voyager Crew does it take to change a
light bulb?
A) Shouldn't they have run out of light bulbs A LONG TIME AGO?!?
~~~
Q) How many male chauvinists does it take to change a
light bulb?
A) One, he holds the bulb in the socket while the world revolves around him.
~~~
Q) How many yogis does it take to change a light bulb?
A) None. Yogis find the light within.
~~~~
Devotee
Joke
Q) How many devotees does it take to put in a light bulb?
A)
"That's not my service prabhu." ............. 
~~~
Various Faith ("Etc.") Light Bulb Jokes -
Q) How many Roman Catholics does it take to change a light bulb?
A)
None. Candles only.
~~~
Q) How many Pentecostals does it take to change a
light bulb?
A) One, but only if he feels the Spirit moving him to do so.
A) Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
~~~
Q) How many
Buddhists does it take to change a light bulb?
A) Three -- One to change it; one to not-change it: and one to both
change -and not-change it.
~~~
Q) How many Quakers does it take to change a light bulb?
A) After the silence one gets up and changes the bulb.
~~~
Q) How many Methodists does it take to change a light bulb?
A) Undetermined.
Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved -- you can be a
light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. A church-wide lighting service is planned for Sunday, August 19. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.
~~~
Q) How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A) None.
"It's all right; I'll just sit in the dark."
~~~
Q) How many Episcopalians does it take to change a light bulb?
A) Eight.
One to call the electrician, and seven to say how much they liked the old one better.
~~~
Q) How many Presbyterians does it take to change a light bulb?
A) It depends if they are predestined for it!
~~~
Q) How many Unitarians does it take to change a light bulb?
A) The Unitarians wish to issue the following statement: "We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a
light bulb; however, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your
light bulb, and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of
light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence."
~~~
Q)
How many Amish does it take
to change a light bulb?
A)
What's a light bulb?
<p>
~~~
F
OOD FOR THOUGHT - The 'perception' of humor involves the entire brain. It integrates and 'balances' activities in both of its hemispheres. This has actually been proven through the use of EEG's.
~~~
Q)
How many guitar players does it take to put in a light bulb?
A) One. He stands on the step ladder and the whole world revolves around him.
~~~
Q)
How many bass players does it take to put in a light bulb?
A) Six. One to put the stupid thing in and 5 to beat away the guitar players stealing all the light.
~~~
Q) How many ceremonial magicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A) One. He holds it up and the world revolves around him.
~~~
Q) "How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?"
A) "Only one; but it must want to change!"
~~~
Q - How many New-Agers does it take to change a light bulb?
A - (Said in a flaky voice) "We don't use light bulbs, we just think happy thoughts at our quartz
crystals and they glow."
A- Well, it takes many many years, unless you pay $650 US non refundable, Visa or MC accepted. Then you can do it after the weekend intensive training seminar.
ZODIAC
Light Bulb Jokes
Q) How many Aries does it take to change a light bulb?
A) They changed it already.
Q) How many Taurians does it take to change a light bulb?
A) Taurus gets bulbs that don't need changing.
Q) How many Gemini does it take to change a light bulb?
A) At least two to take out the old bulb, two to shop for a new one, two to write a book about it and two more to discuss it on a talk show.
Q) How many Cancers does it take to change a light bulb?
A) Their mom's change it for them. Anyway, they'd light a candle if they have to.
Q) How many Leos does it take to change a light bulb?
A) None. Their domestic service professionals will change it.
Q) How many Virgos does it take to change a light bulb?
A) Usually just one. However, they will need to clean the sockets, read comparative consumer information about light bulbs, check the wiring and read all the warranties, guarantees and refund policies.
Q) How many Libras does it take to change a light bulb?
A) Well, at least two to shop for the bulb, and a couple more to look for accessories, and maybe a couple more to return the bulb if it didn't work and do lunch.
Q) How many Scorpios does it take to change a light bulb?
A) A Scorpio's light bulb isn't changed. It's transformed. You just push a button and activate the next life. Why do you ask? Are you a member of a law enforcement agency?
Q) How many Sagittarians does it take to change a light bulb?
A) Sagittarians don't change light bulbs, but they can teach you how to do it, for a fat fee.
Q) How many Capricorns does it take to change a light bulb?
A) Their secretaries will get back to you.
Q) How many Aquarians does it take to change a light bulb?
A) Aquarians don't have to change light bulb. They can invent better ones.
Q) How many Pisces does it take to change a light bulb?
A) Oh my goodness, I don't know. Oh that's it, the bulb will change itself, if it is God's will.
~~
ANOTHER
VARIATION of ZODIAC Light Bulb Jokes:
How many members of your sign does it take to change a light bulb?
ARIES: Just one. You want to make something of it?
TAURUS: One, but just try to convince them that the burned-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.
GEMINI: Two, but the job never gets done -- they just keep discussing who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done!
CANCER: Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grieving process.
LEO: Leos don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a Virgo in to do the
job for them while they're out.
VIRGO: Approximately 1.000000 with an error of +/- one millionth.
LIBRA: Er, two. Or maybe one. No, on second thought, make that two. Is that okay with you?
SCORPIO: That information is strictly secret and shared only with the Enlightened Ones in the
Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order.
SAGITTARIUS: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?
CAPRICORN: I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.
AQUARIUS: Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so....
PISCES: Light bulb? What light bulb?
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QUOTE - Anatomy of an Illness (pg 35)
"I remembered having read, ten years or so earlier, Hans Selye's classic book, 'The Stress of Life.' With great clarity, Selye showed that adrenal exhaustion could be caused by emotional tension, such as frustration or suppressed rage. He detailed the negative effects of the negative emotions on body chemistry. ... The inevitable question arouse in my mind: what about the positive emotions? If negative emotions produce negative chemical changes in the body, wouldn't the positive emotions produce positive chemical changes? Is it possible that love, hope, faith, laughter, confidence, and the will to live have therapeutic value? Do chemical changes occur only on the downside? .... Obviously, putting the positive emotions to work was nothing so simple as turning on a garden hose. But even a reasonable degree of control over my emotions might have a salutary physiological effect. Just replacing anxiety with a fair degree of confidence might be helpful."
|
F
OOD FOR THOUGHT - Laughter is the shortest distance between two people. :-)
<p>
Q: How do you make
Krishna / God laugh?
A: Tell Him your plans. 
~~~
MISSING PERSON REPORT (By Srestha dasa)
Name: Sri Krsna
Job Description: Adolescent God of Love,
Characteristics:
1) emits waves of pure love
2) emits a self-effulgent golden glow (brahmajyoti)
3) is a dark blue spiritual color (like raincloud)
4) has a tendency to hang out with cowherd boys and cowherd girls
5) herds cows for His father - Nanda Maharaja
6) plays a golden flute and wears peacock feathers in His hair.
7) is very charming and sweet
Last Seen:
approx. 5,000 years ago.
Note: This is probably the single most outstanding Missing Person Report in history.
If anyone has any information concerning this missing person please e-Mail me immediately. His parents are frantic. The gopis are pining away.
The cowherds boys are stunned with grief. The cows have stopped giving milk. The entire world appears like a corpse in His absence.
~~~
MISSING PERSON FOUND
To whom it may concern. This naughty boy, has been found hiding, in the inner most chamber of the HEARTS OF ALL. Not wanting to be revealed to
those who are envious, He hid behind a thick curtain of illusion. But when He heard the bell, of His devotee, ringing, and smelled the fresh aroma of
Tulasi leaves, and saw that the offering of flowers , fruits and water, were saturated with simple affection and love,
OUT HE CAME.
Such a rascal........He had us all worried to death.
Jaya was driving to Juhu to attend the RathaYatra. After being in the car for four hours he finally saw a sign that said "Hare Krishna Land Left."
So he turned around and went home.
~~~
SWEET JOKE
<p>
Dear Pita,
Plea$e accept my humble
obei$ance$. All glorie$ to Srila Prabhupada.
Gurukul i$ really great. I am making a lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything el$e I need, $o if
you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Hare Krsna,
Your $on and $ervant, $ri
Dear Son,
Hare Krsna! Please accept my blessings. All glories to Srila Prabhupada.
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a
NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Pita
~~~
<p>
Little Sarah was running late as she rushed to get dressed for Sunday school at the temple.
She whispered a prayer, "My dear Lord Krishna, please don't let me be late for Sunday school today." She finally got dressed and began the brisk walk to temple.
Sara tripped and fell rumpling her dress, got up and was on her way. Then stumbled on the back-track and skinned her knee. She jumped up hurrying on her way. Just before reaching the temple, she tumbled over a stick and scraped her elbow. She reach the temple's Sunday school on time.
As she climbed the steps, she remembered to give a prayer of thanks. "My dear Lord Krishna, thank you for getting me to Sunday school on time,
................
but You didn't have to push me." 
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QUOTE - "We are less likely to succumb to feelings of depression and helplessness if we are able to laugh at what is troubling us. Humor gives us a sense of perspective on our problems. Laughter provides an opportunity for the release of those uncomfortable emotions which, if held inside, may create biochemical changes that are harmful to the body." ~ Patty Wooten, author of 'Pulmonary Rehabilitation: Guidelines to Success'
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A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial--a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded: "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people, talk about them behind their backs. You think
yourself a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and
asked: "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied: "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And
he, too, has been a real disappointment. He's lazy, bigoted, has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone,
& his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."
At this point the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in
jail for contempt within 5 minutes!"
~~~~
A lawyer calls his client to tell him about his fee schedule.
"Alright," the lawyer says looking through his papers. "You owe me $1000 down and $417.58 cents each month for the next thirty-six months.
"What! That sounds like a car payment schedule," retorted the client.
"Your right. It's mine."
~~~~
A couple of police officers saw an elderly woman trying to walk down the street and staggering. After stopping her & talking just a bit, they wondered if she had too much to drink or was just elderly - having speech difficulties. So they decided to be compassionate, put her into the police cruiser to drive her home. One officers got in the back seat with the woman. As they drove through the streets they kept asking their where she lived. All she would say, as she stroked the officers arm, is: "Your Passionate" They drove awhile longer and asked again, again the same response as she stroked his arm "Your Passionate". The officers were getting a little upset so they stopped the car and said to the woman, Mam we have driven around this City for two hours and you still haven't told us where you live. She replied I keep trying to tell you: "Your Passin It!"
~~~~
"You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you."
~~~~
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
~~~~
[This is a TRUE story, and simultaneously a joke. It was fwd to me in
an email.]
A Charlotte, NC lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire, among other things. Within a
month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy,
the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost in a series of small fires. The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious
reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
The lawyer sued .. and WON! (Stay with the story)
In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous.
Nevertheless, the judge stated that the lawyer: "held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable & also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be 'unacceptable fire,' and was obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than
endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of
the rare cigars lost in the "fires."
NOW FOR THE BEST PART...
After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON! With his own insurance
claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured
property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.
~~~~~
Important Court Strategy --
From a book called "Disorder in the Court". These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies are performed on dead people
~~~~
<p>A lawyer was reading the
Last Will & Testiment of a rich 
man to the people
mentioned in the will:
"To my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in the rough times as well as the smooth,
.........................I will the house and $2 million.
"To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in illness and kept the business going,
.........................I will the yacht, the business, and $1 million.
"And to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me, and thought I would not remember him in my will, you were wrong:
.....................................................Hellooooooo, Dan!"
~~~~
Billboard shows a picture of New Nissan Xterea: "Yeah, these flip over. That's why God invented lawyers."
~~~~
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building
improvements.
After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a
pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is
going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a
LAWYER?"
~~~~
A Rabbi, a Hindu and a Lawyer were driving late at night when their car broke down in the countryside. They asked a kindly farmer if they could spend the night with him.
"No
problem" replied the farmer." However, he explained, there were only two beds,
so one of the 3 had to sleep in the barn with the animals. The three quickly agreed.
The Rabbi volunteered to sleep in the barn and let the other two have the beds. Ten minutes after the Rabbi
left them, there was a knock on the bedroom door. In walks the Rabbi exclaiming: "I can't sleep in the barn; there is a pig in there.
My faith believes that is an unclean animal. It's against my religion to sleep in the same room with a pig!"
The Hindu quickly offered that he would sleep in the barn, as he had no religious problem with pigs. However, about five minutes
later the Hindu burst through the bedroom door saying, "There's a COW in there! In my religion cows are considered sacred. I can't sleep on such
spiritualized
ground! Its against my religion!"
The lawyer, anxious to get to sleep, said he'd go to the barn, as he had no problem sleeping with animals.
In two minutes, the bedroom door burst open
.
.
.
.
.
.
and there stood the pig and the cow.
~~~~
Judge: "Well, Sir, I have reviewed this case and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."
Husband: "That's fair, your honor. I'll try to send her a few bucks myself,"
~~~~
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing. A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.
“All set back here, Captain,” came the reply, “except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards.”
<p>
~~~
Q) What do honest lawyers and UFO's have in common?
A) You always hear about them, but you never see them.
~~~
A doctor told her patient that his test results indicated that he had a rare disease and had only six months to live.
“Isn’t there anything I can do?” pleaded the patient.
“Marry a lawyer,” the doctor advised. “It will be the longest six months of your life.”
<p>
~~~
Lawyer: “Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly? Did you steal the car?”
Client: “After hearing your amazing argument in court this morning, I’m beginning to think I didn’t.”
<p>
~~~
Why is it that New Jersey got all the toxic waste dumps and Colorado got all the lawyers?
New Jersey had first choice.
<p>
~~~
Why is it that if you give a young boy an encyclopedia, “lawyer” is always the third
word they look up?
Because the first word a child looks up is “dog.” The second is “snake.” And under snake, the encyclopedia says “See Lawyer.”
<p>
~~~
First lawyer: “Unmitigated liar!”
Second lawyer: “Lowdown cheat!”
Judge: “Now that the lawyers have identified themselves, let us proceed.”
<p>
~~~~~~
THREE NEWSPAPER TYPO CORRECTIONS
1. IMPORTANT NOTICE: If you are one of hundreds of parachuting enthusiasts who bought our
'Easy Sky Diving' book, please make the following correction on page 8, line
7. The words "state zip code" should have read "
~~~
An article in a New York magazine described the dress of an Indian maharani as a sarong instead of a sari. The editor wrote an apology: "All I can say is I'm sari I was sarong."
<p>
|
SCIENTIFIC FINDINGS - Controlled studies have given evidence that a good belly laugh has lowered serum cortisol levels, increased amounts of activated T lymphocytes, increased number and activity of natural killer cells, and increased the number of T cells that have helper/ suppresser receptors. Or to sum it up: laughter off-sets the immunosuppressive effects of stress and is therefore significantly improves the health of the immune system. - Discoveries by Dr. Berk and Dr. Tan, Loma Linda University.
|
Some of my favorites....
DUMB CRIMINALS .... these are 'all' true!
Ever heard the saying if you play with fire, then you’re going to get burned?
A man caught trying to steal electricity was (wait for it) .......shocked.
-----
Times are tough. People are cutting back on all sorts of
things: food, cable, regular pool cleanings, and gas for the getaway car.
Two Bank Robbers were caught because their getaway car ran out of gas.
-----
Dumb: Committing a burglary.
Dumber: Committing a burglary and taking a cab from the scene.
Dumberer: Committing a burglary, taking a cab from the scene and then offering to trade the stuff you stole as cab fare.
And according to Toledo Blade News, that's exactly what happened! :-)
-----
A man had an idea to set up a meth lab in a funeral
home.
On the one hand it sounds like the perfect hiding spot. Dead guys aren’t going to walk out of the funeral home and report you to the police.
The problem is that this particular funeral home was located across the street from the local sheriff’s office and the suspect left the light on after hours. So unless there’s a zombie that lives there, police were bound to start getting suspicious.
Police found the lab and arrested the guy the next day when he showed up for work. Shocking, isn’t it? A meth head showing up to work…and on time! That’s a mighty impressive resume.
-----
Chicago: Man wanted for throwing bricks through jewelry store
windows & making off with the loot. He was arrested last night after throwing a brick into a
Plexiglas
window...the brick bounced
back, hit him in the head and knocked him cold until the police got there.
-----
Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck.
Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and
drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's
license
plate still attached to the bumper.
-----
Baggy clothes may save your life: a 13-year-old boy in Belgrade, Yugoslavia fell 130 feet from his hi-rise apartment and survived with
only minor injuries. Witnesses said Daniel Gurgus' baggy sweater caught tree branches on the way down...
Remember, kids, just say no
to Spandex...
-----
(Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank's basement through a
street-level window, cutting himself up pretty badly in the process. He then realized that (1) he could not get to the money from
where he was, (2) he could not climb back out the window through which he had entered, and (3) he was bleeding pretty badly. So he
located a phone and dialed "911" for help ...
-----
An unidentified man in Buenos Aires pushed his wife out of an eighth-floor window but his plan to kill her failed when she became
entangled in some power cables below. Seeing she was still alive, the man jumped and tried to land on top of her.
.........He missed.
-----
Arizona: A company called "Guns For Hire" stages gunfights for Western movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year-old
woman, who wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2 years in jail.
-----
In Bent Forks, Ill., kidnapers of ice-cube magnate Worth Bohnke sent a photograph of their captive to Bohnke's family. Bohnke was seen
holding up a newspaper. It was not that day's edition and, in fact, bore a prominent headline relating to Nixon's trip
to China. This was
pointed out to the kidnapers in a subsequent phone call. They responded by sending a new photograph showing an up-to-date
newspaper. Bohnke, however, did not appear in the picture. When this, too, was refused, the kidnapers became peevish and insisted that a
photograph be sent to them showing all the people over at Bohnke's house holding different issues of _Success_ magazine. They
provided a
mailing address and were immediately apprehended. They later admitted to FBI agents they
did not understand the principle involved in the
photograph/newspaper concept. "We thought it was just some kind of tradition,"
said one. ...Educators agree that such mix-ups point to poor
reasoning and comprehension skills, ignorance of current events, and failure to complete work
in the time allotted.
-----
Indiana: A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demanded all the money in the register. When the cashier handed him the loot,
he fled--leaving his wallet on the counter.
-----
When Stan Caddell wanted to wash his Chevrolet, he backed the car into a foot of water in the Mississippi River at Hannibal, Missouri.
When he got out to clean the car, it floated away. Police were able to retrieve the vehicle some distance downstream. According to an
officer on the scene, no action would be taken against the driver because "you can't ticket a guy for being stupid..."
-----
When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the
bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court," he smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that
table and write "I will not pass through a red light,"
five hundred times."
-----
Newark: A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called
the phone, and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and
the thief was arrested.
-----
South Carolina: A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was
substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him be arrested immediately.
|
SCIENCE - After surgery but prior to the administration of pain medication, patients were told one-liner jokes. Those patients who were exposed to the humor experienced less pain in comparison to the other surgery patients who didn't get a dose of humor as part of their therapy. ~ Summary from study published in ' Journal of Holistic Nursing'
|
FOOD FOR THOUGHT - "Extremists think that "communication" means agreeing with them." :-) -- Leo Rosten
BILLBOARDS
<p>
"We need to talk" - Signed,
God
~~~
"That love thy neighbor thing? I really meant that."
~ Signed,
God
~~~
"Due to current economic difficulties
the light at the end of the tunnel
will be shut off until further notice."
~~~
"Smoke. Because no one should infringe upon your right to cough up black phlegm."
~~~
'You were created in the image of God!'
START ACTING LIKE IT!!!_______õ¸õ_______
~~~
"Please be patient, God isn't through with me yet."
~~~
On a highway billboard: "Keep using my name in vain and I will make rush hour longer." ~ Signed, God."
~~~
"Read that book I gave you. There will be a test."- Signed, God
~~~
"The Ten Commandments are NOT multiple choice!" ~ God
~~~
"What part of 'Thou shalt not,' is it that you don't get?" Signed, God
~~~
"My way IS the highway." - God
~~~
True
sign that appeared in front of a Baptist Church:
"Members Only. Trespassers will be Baptized!"
SIGNS
At a Music Store: Out to lunch. Bach at 12:30. Offen bach sooner.
At a Santa Fe gas station: We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.
In a safari park: Elephants please stay in your car
In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: 15 men's wool suits - $100 - They won't last an hour!
In a veterinarian’s waiting room: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!
In an office: After the tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.
In the window of an Oregon general store: Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?
On a Scientist's door: Gone Fission
On a Tennessee highway: Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable.
On an established New Mexico dry cleaning store: Thirty-eight years on the same spot.
Outside a muffler shop: No appointment necessary. We heard you coming.<p>
Plumber: We repair what your husband Fixed.
--
Sign on a company notice board: "This firm require no physical fitness program. Everyone gets enough exercise jumping to conclusions, flying off the handle, running down the boss and co-workers, flogging dead horses, knifing friends in the back, dodging responsibility and pushing their luck." From the Financial Times .
|
SCIENCE Medical experts (Dr. Derk & Dr. Wiilliamsburg) reveal that a powerful laugh will relax tensed muscles, brings more oxygen into the system and more quickly, lowers blood pressure, and offers a free, overall health benefits on many levels! And its free!. (If the FDA could manufacture a medicine like this, they'd charge a bundle.)
|
"Life sucks ...
......
then you reincarnate."
"Jesus saves; Buddha recycles."
"Jesus paid for our sins. Now let's get our money's worth!"
" If God is not the answer, what was the question?"
"Don't blame God for the things that people do."
"God loves you.......and I'm really trying."
"God loves you just the way you are. But He loves you too much to leave you that way."
"Love Without End - AMEN!"
~~~
They're "Born-Again" Christians,
......and again....and again....and again....and again.... :-)
~~~
<p>
"O Lord, Save Me From Your Followers."
~~~
"God, grant me the serenity to potty-train."
~~~
"I don't question YOUR existence." ~ Signed, God
~~~
"Next time you think you're so perfect, try walking on water." ~ Jesus
~~~
."Answer my prayers and steal this
car!" 
~~~
WICCA: "Witches parking only. All others will be toad."
~~~
A magician was driving down the road..... then he turned into a drive way......
[Think about it :) ]
~~~
"Sorry, my karma just ran over your dogma."
~~~
"You nonconformists are all alike."
~~~
"Bahá'í is a
Prophet
Sharing Organization."
<p>
~~~
"Don't drive faster than your guardian angel can fly!"
"Don't
you make me come down from this cloud!" ~ Signed, An Angel.
~~~
"Ask me about my vow of silence."
~~~
"I Believe in the Big Bang Theory. ....God said it and BANG it Happened!"
~~~
Jesus is coming, look busy!
~~~
My Other Vehicle is a broom.
~~~
My Other Vehicle is the Mahayana.
~~~
God is coming back - and She's really ticked.
~~~
"If you think our Father in heaven is mad, just wait until Mom finds out!"
~~~
"There's one born again every minute"
~~~
<p>On the
back of a car, the bumper sticker read: "Are you as close to God as you are to this?!"
|
SCIENCE - Evidence (from EEG) revealed that when a joke is just about to be told, the initial anticipation results in the brains cortex's left hemisphere starting the function of analyzing of word processing. Next, most brain activity moved to the frontal lobe (the center of emotions).
After that, the right hemisphere's synthesis mix with the left's processing to look for and locate the pattern or to be able to "get" the joke.
Very quickly following, though just prior to the persons had quite enough time to laugh, brain waves increase and spread to the occipital lobe which is the sensory processing areas of the brain.
There was an increase in fluctuations of delta waves which reached a crescendo of activity and crested as the brain 'got' the joke followed by the recipient beginning of laughter.
So here you have 'scientific' knowledge how laughter works, integrating the brain and getting it to all function together, thanks to Dr. Derk & Dr. Williamsburg.
Now, stop analyzing and start laughing! :-)
[You have facts that it's actually beneficial for a variety of health issues, so don't minimize its importance and start giving yourself permission to take out time each day to laugh. Like a vitamin or even a meal, it's a necessity!]
|
<p>
Pagan
bumper sticker: "May the forest bewitch you."
~~~
The best thing about Pagan friends is they worship the ground you walk on.
~~~
"The only thing harder than being a saint is
living with one."
~~~
"My God's not dead. Sorry to hear about yours."
~~~
"Israel is the land of milk and honey. Florida is the land of milk of magnesia."
~~~
"God Is Not A Name. It's A Job Description."
~~~
"I found Krishna (God). He was hiding in my heart."
<p>
~~~
"If you do not feel close to God, guess who moved?" (Hint: Not God.)
~~~
"Jesus loves you-
It's the rest of us who think you're a jerk."
~~~
"Fundamentalism stops a thinking mind"
~~~
"God, please save us from religious fanatics."
~~~
"If Only Closed Minds came with Closed Mouths." 
~~~
"God wants spiritual fruits, not religious nuts."
~~~
"The Word of God? Don't you mean the Word of
Paul?"
~~~
Local church bumper sticker: "Had a rough week? We're open on Sundays."
~~~
One bumper-sticker asked: "What would Jesus say?"
Another bumper-sticker asked: "What would Confucius Say?
~~~
If Jesus
does come back,
He's going to the Hare Krishna temples.
~~~
"Atheism is a
~~~
"As a former fetus, I oppose abortion."
~~~
"If
it's not a baby-- you're not pregnant!"
~~~
Thank God that Mary and Joseph weren
't pro-choice!
~~~
"God, give me patience -- RIGHT NOW!"
~~~
"Wage Peace!"
~~~
"When a Buddhist is absorbed in his computer, he enters Nerd-vana."
~~~
"Yes this is my truck, and NO I won't help you move!"
~~~
"Be Kind to Animals, Don't Eat Them."
~~~
"WARNING: In case of RAPTURE, this car will be
unmanned."
OR, another version:
"If the Rapture comes, can I have your car?"
OR:
"In case of rapture this office will be empty....
With the possible exception of the guy in accounting.
~~~
Remember the last words of Socrates : "I DRANK WHAT?!!!!!."
(ha
- Actually his last words were very spirittual.)
~~~
F
OOD FOR THOUGHT - Commit random acts of kindness and create senseless beauty!|
MORE SCIENTIFIC FINDINGS ABOUT LAUGHTER
* Laughter stimulates physical healing.
Articles by N. Lehrman in Archives of Internal Medicine, April 26,1993; Lee Berk, Dr. P.H. in Loma Linda University School of Medicine News, March 11,1999; N.Silver in American Health, November 1986; J. McCormick in Lancet, August 1994.
|
<p>
New Age Lullaby (sing to the tune of the "Mockingbird" song.)
~~~
Why God made Moms?
Why God made Moms -- Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following
questions:
Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring
2. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He Just used bigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.
Why did God give you Your mother & not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.
What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?
3. Does he have a job?
Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world.
2. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
What's the difference between moms & dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home, & dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.
What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blonde.
If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head
~~~
The Hikers
One day Joe, Bob and Dave were hiking in a wilderness area when they came upon a large, raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.
Joe prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river."
Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, although he almost drowned a couple of times.
Seeing this, Dave prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools to cross this river."
Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.
Bob had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools, and the intelligence, to cross this river."
Poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then
walked across the bridge.
.
|
Some Excerpts from: "My Teenage Son's Goal In Life Is To Make Me Feel 3,5000 Years Old." By Humor Columnist, Dave Barry.
"I am constantly seeing young people walk with the bills of their baseball caps pointing backward. This makes no sense, young people! If you examine your cap closely, you will note that it has a piece sticking out the front, called a 'bill.' The purpose of the bill is to keep sun off your face, which, unless your parents did a great many drugs in the 60s (ask them about it!), is located on the front of your head. Wearing your cap backward is like wearing sunglasses on the back of our head, or wearing a hearing aid in your nose. (Perhaps you young people are doing this also. Uncle Dave doesn't want to know.)"
~~~
"My son got his ear pierced. He's twelve. For twelve years I worked hard to prevent him from developing unnatural body holes, then he went out and got one on purpose. At a shopping mall. It turns out that minors can have their earlobes assaulted with sharp implements by shopping-mall booth personnel who, for all we know, have no more formal medical training than is given to burrito folders at Taco Bell."
~~~
"I am being rapidly aged by Rob's choice of radio stations. The one he now prefers is operated by one of the most dangerous and irresponsible forces on earth: college students."
~~~
"SAT tests are designed by huge panels of experts in education and psychology who work for years to design tests in which not one single question measures any bit of knowledge that anyone might actually need in the real world. We should applaud kids for getting lower scores.
~~~
"My son told me that there are people called 'posers' who dress like 'bassers,' but are in fact, secretly 'preppies.' He said that some 'posers' also pose as 'headbangers,' who are people who like heavy-metal music, which is performed by skinny men with huge hair who stomp around the stage, striking their instruments and shrieking angrily, apparently because someone has stolen all their shirts."
[Though the above is from his book, he also has a web site: http://www.davebarry.com. ]
|
Did you hear about the sequel to the sci-fi movie called "Independence Day?" The plot is that smaller ships of the aliens come to be near the Mother Ship.
They are going to call this movie,
"Codependence Day."
~~~
A
little girl was going to bed and about to say the prayers her mommy just taught her. Her mother wanted to stay and listen, but the little girl
insisted she could 'do it herself.' So mom waited outside and heard her daughter pray as follows:
"Our Father, who art in heaven.......etc. .... forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who
trespass against us, and deliver us some e-mail " :-)
<p>
~~~
One day a group of scientists got together and decided that Man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him.
The
scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need You. We're to the point that we can clone people and do
many miraculous things, so why don't You just retire?"
God listened very patiently to the man and then said, "Very well, but first, how about this, let's have a Man-making contest."
To which the scientist replied, "OK, great!"
God added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam."
The scientist said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.
God just looked at him and said, "No, no, no. Go get your own
dirt!"
~~~
An atheist was spending a quiet day boating when suddenly......
...his boat was attacked
by the Loch Ness monster.
In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both.
As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"
At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in
mid-air.
Then a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"
"Come on God, give me a break!!" the man pleaded. "Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"
~~~
A mountain climber falls off the edge of a precipitous cliff, but halfway to the bottom, grabs a protruding root and hangs on.
Casting his eyes heavenward, he cries out, "Is anyone up there?"
A Divine voice floats down to him, saying, "Yes, my son. Let go of that root you hold and I will bring thee up here."
After a long p-a-u-s-e............... the man asks: "Is anyone else up there?"
~~~~
LETTER
TO GOD
Dear Lord,
So far today God, I've done all right;
I haven't gossiped, haven't lost my temper,
haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty,
selfish, or over-indulgent.
I'm very thankful for that.
But in a few minutes, God,
I'm going to get out of this bed,
And from then on...
I'm probably going to need...
a lot more help.
<p>
~~~
Q) A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get
married?"
A) His father replied, "I don't know, son. I'm still paying for it."
~~~
A Fairy Godmother told a married couple: "For being such an exemplary married couple for 35 years, I will give you each a
wish."
Said the wife: "I want to travel around the world with my dearest husband." The Fairy moved her magic
wand and abracadabra! Two
tickets appeared in her hands.
Now it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and
said: "Well this is a very romantic moment, but an opportunity
like this only occurs once in a lifetime. So.....I'm sorry my love,
but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."
The wife was deeply disappointed, but a wish was a wish. The Fairy made a circle with her magic stick and.....abracadabra!...
Suddenly the husband was 90 years old. 
Reminder: Fairy Godmothers are Female!
~~~
I know great
Earth changes have been predicted for the future, so if you're looking to avoid earthquakes, my advice is simple. When you find a fault, just don't dwell on it.~~~
A man goes to a Unitarian service for the first time, and later is asked what he thought of it.
"Darndest church I ever went to," he replies. "The only time I heard the name of Jesus Christ was when the janitor fell down the
stairs!."
~~~
There was a 3-alarm fire on a corner where a Synagogue, a Catholic church, & a Unitarian church stood. The Rabbi ran in & saved the Torah, the Priest ran in & saved the Crucifix. The Unitarian ran in & saved the coffee pot.
~~~
~~~
A deeply devout man lived down in a valley. He had absolute faith God would always look after him. One day a great storm came. It rained for
days ~ the valley flooded. The waters submerged the first floor of his home.
As he looked out from the second floor, a rescue boat came by. "Come. We will save you," the rescuers cried. "Thank you," the man replied, "but God will save me. You go help the others." They tried to convince him to join them, but finally gave up and left.
The flood continued, submerging the entire house. The man took refuge on the roof. A helicopter flew over. "Come. The dam has broken upstream. We will save you," the rescuers cried. "Thank you, no," the man calmly replied. "I know beyond any doubt that God will save me." They tried and tried to convince him. But he remained.
The waters continued to rise, and the man drowned.
He soared into the inner worlds in his soul body and found himself face to face with God.
"I trusted you," he cried. "Why didn't you save me?"
God
answered: "I sent you a boat and a helicopter. What more did you want?"
|
|
Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my Financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry I have plenty of money.
Hi. John's answering machine is broken. This is the refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
This is not an answering machine this is a telepathic thought recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.
Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
If you are a burglar, then we're probably home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave a message.
Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
~~~
"Hello, you have reached an office that thought it was so smart getting all it's employees cordless phones. The person you are trying to reach is here right now, staring at me as I answer this call and searching desperately for their cordless phone in the mess on their desk.
It won't matter if they find it since they didn't leave it on the charger last night and the battery is dead. So you might as well leave a message with me and I'll have them call you after the 4 hour handset recharge period is completed."
~~~
If God Had Voice Mail
"Thank you for calling heaven. Please select one of the following options:
Press 1 for requests
Press 2 for thanksgiving
Press 3 for complaints
Press 4 for all other inquiries
I am sorry, all of our angels and saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line.
If you would like to speak to:
God, press 1. For Jesus, press 2. For the Holy Spirit, press 3.
If you would like to hear King David sing a Psalm while you are holding, press 4.
To find a loved one that has been assigned to Heaven, press 5, then enter his or her social security number followed by the pound sign. (If you get a negative response, please hang up and try area code 666).
For reservations in heaven, please enter J-O-H-N 3:16
For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth, life on other planets, and where Noah's Ark is, please wait until you arrive.
Our computers show that you have already prayed once today, please hang up and try again tomorrow.
This office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday. Please pray again on Monday after 9:30am.
If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local
pastor or priest."
~~~**~~~**~~~**~~~
During a recent ecumenical
gathering, a secretary rushed in shouting: "The building is on fire!"
The Methodists gathered in the corner and prayed.
The Baptists cried, "Where is the water?"
The Quakers quietly praised God for the blessings that fire brings.
The Lutherans posted a notice on the door declaring the fire was evil.
The Roman Catholics passed the plate to cover the damage.
The Jews posted symbols on the door hoping the fire would pass.
The Congregationalists shouted, "Every man for himself!"
The Fundamentalists proclaimed, "It's the vengeance of God!"
The Episcopalians formed a procession and marched out.
The Christian Scientists concluded that there was no fire.
The Presbyterians appointed a chairperson who was to appoint a committee to look into the matter and submit a written report.
The secretary grabbed the fire extinguisher and put the fire out.
~~~
(True story)
A mother asked her two-year-old to take his dirty clothes and put them into the hamper.
He looked puzzled, so she explained, "You know; it's the place where we put our dirty clothes before they're washed."
So he picked up his things, trotted into my bedroom, and threw his clothes on the floor on his dad's side of the bed.
~~~
Dear God, Help me get up - I can fall down by myself.
~~~
Our three-year-old daughter, MaryAnn, was having trouble sleeping through the night, waking up because she was afraid. Each time as I re-tucked her into bed, I would remind her that God lived in her heart and He would keep her safe.
The sleepless nights continued, with MaryAnn seeking comfort in our bedroom.
Finally, one night, I asked her if she had prayed to God in her heart to remove her fear and help her fall asleep.
"Oh, yes," she assured me. "He told me to come and get you!"
~~~
*Rules For Bank Robbers*
According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are "unsophisticated and unprofessional crimes," committed by young male repeat offenders who apparently don't know the first thing about their business. For instance it is reported that in spite of the widespread use of surveillance cameras, 76 percent of bank robbers use no disguise, 86 percent never study the bank before robbing it, and 95 percent make no long-range plans for concealing the loot. Thus, this advice is offered to would-be bank robbers, along with examples of what can happen if the rules aren't followed:
1. Pick the right bank. Clark advises that you don't follow the lead of the fellow in Anaheim, Cal., who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no money. On the other hand, you don't want to be too familiar with the bank. A California robber ran into his mother while making his getaway. She turned him in.
2. Approach the right teller. Granted, this is harder to plan. One teller in Springfield, Mass., followed the holdup man out of the bank and down the street until she saw him go into a restaurant. She hailed a passing police car, and the police picked him up. Another teller was given a holdup note by a robber, and her father, who was next in line, wrestled the man to the ground and sat on him until authorities arrived.
3. Don't sign your demand note. Demand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh, on an envelope bearing the name and address of another in Detroit, and in East Hartford, Conn., on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber's signature and account number.
4. Beware of dangerous vegetables. A man in White Plains, N.Y., tried to hold up a bank with a zucchini. The police captured him at his house, where he showed them his "weapon."
5. Avoid being fussy. A robber in Panorama City, Cal., gave a teller a note saying, "I have a gun. Give me all your twenties in this envelope." The teller said, "All I've got is two twenties." The robber took them and left.
6. Don't advertise. A holdup man thought that if he smeared mercury ointment on his face, it would make him invisible to the cameras. Actually, it accentuated his features, giving authorities a much clearer picture. Bank robbers in Minnesota and California tried to create a diversion by throwing stolen money out of the windows of their cars. They succeeded only in drawing attention to themselves.
7. Take right turns only. Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a wrong turn and ended up on the Homestead Air Force Base. They drove up to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a tollbooth, offered the security men money.
8. Provide your own transportation. It is not clever to borrow the teller's car, which she carefully described to police. This resulted in the most quickly-solved bank robbery in the history of Pittsfield, Mass.
9. Don't be too sensitive. In these days of exploding dye packs, stuffing the cash into your pants can lead to embarrassing stains, not to mention severe burns in sensitive places--as bandits in San Diego and Boston painfully discovered.
10. Consider another line of work. One nervous criminal in Swansea, Mass., fainted when the teller told him she had no money. He was still unconscious when the police arrived.
~~~
FOOD FOR THOUGHT - Live your life so that when you die, the preacher will not have to tell lies at your funeral.
~~~
|
QUOTE "The chemicals that are running our body and our brain are the same chemicals that are involved in emotion. And that says to me that . . . we’d better pay more attention to emotions with respect to health." ~ Candace Pert, author of 'The Molecules of Emotion.'
[NOTE: I wish to stress I'm do not believe the development of illness, or inability to overcome illness, as due to ones lack of positive emotions nor holding on to negative ones, no. This is more new agey rather than factual. However unintentionally it induces guilt and shame, thus contradictory to healing. Simply that these things "contribute" is what's really going on; otherwise lots of very happy people would never have died. But to add positive emotions to the mix of medicine can be the key to make the difference.]
|
The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will."
"That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change."
~~~
A new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two white coated
Doctors searching through the flower beds.
"Excuse me," he said, "If you don't mind, may I ask what you are looking
for?"
"Replied one of the doctors. "We're doing a heart transplant for an income-tax inspector.
We want to find a suitable replacement stone."
~~~
(Science humor) New Element Discovered
The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by physicists at Yale's
Research Center.
The element is tentatively named
It has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have one neutron, 125
assistant neutrons 75 vice-neutrons and 11 assistant vice-neutrons.
This gives it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together in a nucleus by a force that involves the continuous
exchange of meson-like particles called morons.
Since it has no electrons, administratium is inert.
However, it can be detected chemically,
as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with.
According to the discoverers, a minute amount of administratium caused a reaction to take
over 4 days to complete, when it would normally occur in less than 1 second.
Administratium has a normal life of approximately three years, at which time it does not
actually decay but, instead, undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons,
vice-neutrons and assistant vice-neutrons exchange places.
Some studies have shown that the atomic weight usually increases after each reorganization.
Research at other laboratories indicates that administratium occurs naturally in the
atmosphere.
It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government agencies, large corporations,
universities and hospitals and can actually be found in the newest, best maintained
buildings.
Scientists point out that administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration
and can easily destroy any productive reactions where it is allowed to accumulate.
Attempts are being made to determine how administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising.
~~~
The
"Phone Call"
A woman, calling a local hospital, said, "Hello, I'd like to talk with the person who gives the information
regarding your patients. I'd like to find out if the patient is getting better, or doing as expected, or
is getting worse."
The voice on the other end of the line said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"
She said, "Sarah Finkel, in Room 302."
"I will connect you with the nursing station."
"3-A Nursing Station. How can I help you?"
"I would like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in Room 302"
"Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Oh, yes. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two
full meals, her blood pressure is fine, her blood work just came back as normal, she's going to be taken off
the heart monitor in a couple of hours and if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to
send her home Tuesday at twelve o'clock."
The woman said, "Thank heaven! That's wonderful! Oh! that's fantastic that's wonderful news!"
The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be a close family member or a very close friend!"
"Not exactly, I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me anything!"
~~~~
I don't suffer from insanity - I enjoy every minute of it!
~~~
A man went into his
therapists office and says, "Doc, you have got to help
me! Every night I keep dreaming that I'm a sports car. The other night I dreamed I was a Trans Am. Another night I dreamed I was an Alpha Romeo.
Last night I dreamed I was a Porche. What does this mean?"
"Relax," says the doctor, "You're just having an auto-body
experience.
~~~
(Got this from an e-group. )
The other day I was visiting a friend in the hospital. During the visit I had to wait in a private area with several beds & curtains between each. While most were patients, sometimes a few visitors would wait there.
There were two beds with a seat next to each, with curtains between or separating the units. One of which was occupied, so I went into the other one to wait.
As I was minding my business, the person in the one next to me asked, "Hi, how are you?"
I thought it rather an inappropriate place for a conversation, but remembered that many patients never receive visitors, so decided to try to be friendly. I answered, "I'm fine, thanks."
Then the person next to me asked, "What are you doing?"
I answered, "Same as you."
The next question was, "Shall I go home with you tonight?" This was going too far, but not wanting to hurt the person's feelings, I stammered, "Uh, that wouldn't be convenient, I'm expecting
company."
Then the person next to me said with irritation, "Honey, there's some
loony next to me answering all my questions,
so I'll phone you back later.
~~~
Q) What is the difference between God and doctors?
A) God knows He's not a doctor.
~~~
A doctor completed an examination of the
patient and said, "I can't find a cause for your complaint. To be honest, I think it's due to drinking."
The patient replied: "In that case I'll come back when you're sober."
~~~
Medicine is keeping the patient amused while nature cures him.
~~~**~~~**~~~**~~~
FOOD FOR THOUGHT - The difference between a flower and a weed is a judgment.
~~~**~~~**~~~**~~~
|
SCIENCE - Loma Linda University Cali study by Dr. Lee Berk and Dr. Stanley Tan showed that physiological responses that were produced from belly laughter, were the opposite of what is seen in classical stress, thereby offering yet more evidence that laughing produces healthy or positive emotions.
|
OTHER
MISC JOKES
<p>
YOU KNOW YOU'RE ENTERED THE 21st CENTURY WHEN...
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.
AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.
Go on, forward this to your friends. You know you want to! 
~~~
EVER WONDER?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes? (Good point! Because they
didn't!)
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end you first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to do it?
And obviously if at first you don't succeed, then don't take up sky diving!
And my FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
SPELL CHECKERS
<p>
I have a spelling checker,
It came with my PC;
It plainly marks four my revue,
Mistakes I cannot sea.
I've run this poem threw it,
I'm sure your please to no,
Its letter perfect in it's weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.
SIGNS YOU MAY BE AN AOL or E-Mail ADDICT
1. A friend calls and says, "How are you? Your phones have been busy..for a year!!!!
2. You see something funny and scream, "LOL, LOL."
3. You meet the mailman at the curb and swear he said "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."
4. You sign off and your screen says you were on for 3 days and 45 minutes.
5. You fall asleep, but instead of dreams you get IMs.
6. Tech support calls YOU for help.
7. You beg your friends to get an account so you can "hang out."
8. You say "he he he he" or "heh heh heh" instead of laughing.
9. When someone asks you what it was you just said, your reply is: "SCROLL
UP."
10. You sneak away to your computer when everyone goes to sleep.
11. You talk on the phone with the same person you are sending an instant message to.
12. You look at an annoying person off line and wish that you had your ignore button handy.
13. "Where did the time go?"
14. You've gone to an unstaffed AOL room so you can give tech support.
15. You think faster than the computer.
16. Being called a newbie is a major insult to you.
17. You're on the phone and say BRB.
18. Your teacher or boss recommends a drug test for the blood shot eyes.
~~~
"God said it, I believe it, that settles
it."
"Krishna said it, I believe it, that settles it."
"Prabhupada said it, I believe it, that settles it."
~~~
<p>
These are actual
excuse notes from parents (including spelling):
* My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
* Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
* Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32,
& also 33.
* Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
* Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
* Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
* Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
~~~
The LA Times retracted its obituary for the deceased Jeopardy host, which read 'Art Fleming.' They wrote in their retraction: We were mistaken. It should have read, 'Who is Art Fleming?'"
|
[The author is referring to prana "suckers," also known as "ki" suckers, etc; meaning people who take your energy right out of you, too often, and too much.]
QUOTE - "Prana is the Sanskrit word for life force, and after you've been with these people for a while you feel as if they've sucked the life force right out of you the way a vampire sucks blood. You feel totally drained,"
|
Why are there are no Unitarians in Heaven?
Because they heard there was a choice between going to Heaven or going to a discussion group about the existence of Heaven.
~~~
Unitarians sing so poorly because they are always reading ahead to see what they might not agree with.
~~~
Q) What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness and a Unitarian?
[Various Answers]
A ) Somebody who knocks on your door, but doesn't remember why they came.
A) Someone who knocks on your door but has nothing to say.
A) Someone who knocks on your door asking what YOU believe in.
~~~
Q) What goes clip clop clip clop
"bang!!" clip clop clip clop "BANG!!!"?
A) An Amish drive-by shooting!
~~~
Dolly Parton: "I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb ... and I also know that I'm not blonde."
~~~
Q) How can you
tell a smart blonde from a dumb blonde?
A: The smart ones have dark roots.
~~~
Q) What is it called when a blonde dyes her hair brunette?
A. Artificial intelligence.
~~~
Q. What is a brunette
sitting between two blondes?
A. An interpreter.
~~~
Q) Why are blonde jokes so short?
A) So men can understand them.
~~~~~~~
A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other.
Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car. After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the street between them.
A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car.
It didn't need a wash, so he hurried out and asked the priest what he was doing. "I'm blessing it," the priest replied. The rabbi considered this a moment, then went back inside the synagogue.
He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, walked over to the back of the car and cut off two inches of the tailpipe.
~~~
On the sixth day, God created the platypus.
And God said:
"Let's see the evolutionists try and figure out THIS one."
~~~
"We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse."
~~~
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, just try missing a couple of car payments. :-)
~~~
Things Found Only in America
*Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
<p>
*
Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
<p>
*
Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
*
Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
* Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
<p><p>
~~~
F
OOD FOR THOUGHT - "Hold no one responsible for what they says in grief." ~ Talmud
~~~
SCIENCE
Results of
research by Dr. Lee Berk and Dr. Stanley Tan (Loma Linda U of Ca) indicated that
after a good belly laugh, there is a general increase in activity within the immune
system, such as: increased number and activity level of natural killer cells that attack viral infected cells and some types of cancer and
A collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance who told him he had just thrown away an
old Bible that he found in a dusty, old box. He happened to mention Guten-somebody-or-other had printed it.
"Not Gutenberg?" Gasped the collector.
"Yes, that was it!"
"You idiot! You've thrown away one of the first books ever printed. A copy recently sold
at an auction for half a million dollars!"
"Oh, I don't think this book would have been worth anything close to that much," replied the
man. "It was scribbled all over in the margins by some guy named Martin Luther."
~~~
A little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all Fairy Tales begin with Once Upon a time?"
He replied, "No, there is a whole series of Fairy Tales that begin with 'If Elected I promise...'"
~~~
Secret service men have such a
dangerous job. After all, in what other job do you have to be willing to take a bullet for your boss?
Well .... except if you work at a 7-11.
~~~
Buddhism: If a tree falls in a
deserted forest,
does it make a sound?
Bush: If you cut down a tree in a protected forest, did it happen?
~~~
President Bush and Donald Rumsfeld sitting in a
bar. A guy walks in and asks the bartender, "Is that
really Bush and Rumsfeld over there?"
"Yep, that's them all right," says the bartender.
So the guy goes over and says, "Hey, what are you guys
doing in a bar?"
Bush says, "We're planning World War III."
The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush says, "We're going to kill 10 million Iranians
and a bicycle repair man."
The guy asks, "Why in the world are you going to kill
a bicycle repair man?"
Bush turns to Rumsfeld and says. "See? I told you no
one would care about the 10 million Iranians!"
|
SCIENCE
- [FROM
CNN.COM] CHICAGO, ILLINOIS, February 13, 2001:
|
SCHOOL / COLLEGE / TEACHER .... HUMOR
Teacher: Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and I stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?
Manu: Brotherly love.
~~~~
A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over, the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."
The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and
$60 change.
~~~~
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
~~~~
It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom: "Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may being plowing."
Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: "Will the nine hundred students who went to move fourteen cars return to class."
~~~~
Bad spellers of the world Untie!
~~~~
Modern Ed.....
A report says high school students aren't very good with American history. It's pretty shameful.
On a recent test, a majority of seniors thought Lincoln's Gettysburg address was: ALincoln@gettysburg.com
<p>
~~~~
Adult to kid: "How are your grades in Algebra?"
Teenager: "I got an F."
Adult: "Don't worry honey, there ARE no answers to those questions.
~~~
"...Yes, the lectures are optional. Graduation is also optional." - Professor Brian Quinn
~~~
"A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in students." - John Ciardi
~~~
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a restaurant. One turns to the other and says, "I think I've lost my electron." The other asks, "Are you sure?" "Yes," says the first, "I'm positive."
~~~
"The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office." ~ Robert Frost
~~~
Punctuation Is Everything
Woman without her man, is nothing.
Woman! Without her, man is nothing.
Women
reads: I've loved you so long.
Men read: I've loved you. So long.
~~~**~~~**~~~**~~~
"The problem with the rat race is even if you win you're still a rat." - Lily Tomlin
~~~
"Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, ... it doesn't matter." - Mark Twain
|
SCIENCE
- There
are many T cells which need to be activated for improved health. Strong (belly)
laughter increased that activation.
|
Definitions - Out of the Mouths of Babes -
*Italics: Means "the language spoken by ancient Italians". -- Author: a Child
* Coincide: Definition is "What you should do when it starts pouring. (Go inside/coincide)" -- A Child
*Antidote: "The medicine that kills dotes". -- A Child
~~~
Definitions That Bring A Smile ~
DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him.
INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.
PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
RE-INCARNATION - Born again as a tin of condensed milk
SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.
STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.
VERBAL: able to whine in words.
WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house...
~~~
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
~~~
F
IT FINALLY HAPPENED!
[Note: Devotees of Krishna believe in Jesus. Unfortunately we seldom get mutual respect, therefore some Hindus have become negative toward Christianity. Believe me, I can understand this. Simply, lets not mix certain followers with their guru (Jesus), as we have seen throughout history many guru's say one thing while some (not all) followers change his teachings and say something else. If interested in this topic, see my web pages on Christ and Krishna. Here is the first url. Once there, scroll down & view two more: http://www.geocities.com/priitaa108/christ_and_krishna.htm With that said, back to laughter....]
~~~~
"Try our Sundays. They're better than Baskin-Robbins."
~~~~
What would have happened if there had been three wise WOMEN instead of three wise
MEN?
The three wise WOMEN would have asked for directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the Baby, cleaned the stable,
cooked a
feast, and given practical gifts.
~~~~
A little boy who was praying for a new bike said: "It's no
use. Art doesn't listen to me."
"Art who?" asked the boy's mother.
"Art in heaven," came the reply.
~~~~
[Applicable to all paths.] "Going to church doesn't make someone a Christian anymore than going to Dairy Queen makes them a Blizzard."
~~~~
Restaurant near a church puts out large sign, bright letters, reading: "Open Sundays." The Church reciprocated with its own message: "We are open on Sundays too."
~~~~
When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God
doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.
~~~~
One little four-year old prayed, "And forgive us or trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
~~~~
A religious lady had travel often for her business. So she did a lot of flying. Flying made her nervous. Therefore she always took along her Bible to read, as it helped relax her on those long fights. Once when she was seated next to a man, he saw her pull out her Bible. He gave a little chuckle, a smirk, and went back to what he was doing. After awhile he turned to her & asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?" The lady replied, "Of course I do. It is the Bible." He said, "Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?" She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it's in the Bible." He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?" The lady said, "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him." "What if he isn't in heaven?," the man asked sarcastically. "Then
you can ask him," replied the lady.~~~
Nine year-old Sally, while at church with her mother. suddenly & unexpectedly fell ill. She said: "Mommy can we now?" "No.... why?" her mother replied. The little girl replied: "I think I have to throw up!" Mom replied: "Go out the front door, around to the back of the church and you can throw up behind a bush." In less then two minutes the little girl returned to her seat. "Did you throw up?" her mother asked. "Yes" Sally replied. "But how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and return so quickly?" "Oh, I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy" the little girl replied, "They have a box next to the front door that says '
for the sick'."
~~~~~
Bloopers from Sunday School Students
The following statements about the
Bible were written by children. They have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., incorrect spelling has been left in).
<p>
*
Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.
<p>
*The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount
Cyanide to get the ten amendments.*
The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
*
*
Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of
Geritol.
*
*
Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
*
*
*
It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
*
The people who followed the Lord were called the decibels.
*
The Epistles were the wives of the Apostles.
*
One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
~~~
<p>
Top 10 Reasons God Created Eve
10. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because men hate to ask for
directions.
9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote.
8. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when it wore out and would
therefore need Eve to get one for him.
7. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment for himself.
6. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.
5. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle childbearing.
4. As "Keeper of the Garden," Adam would never remember where he put his tools.
3. The scripture account of creation indicates Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on
when God caught him hiding in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!"
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head and said, "I
can do better than that."
[Nothing personal to guys, its just a joke, and we woman have had to tolerate our
share of them. Lets just laugh. :-)
]
<p>
~~~~~~
BIBLICAL MOTHERS
Samson! Get your hand out of that lion. You don't know where it's been! (Judges 14:5-8)
David, I told you not to play in the house with that sling! Go practice your harp. We pay good money for those lessons!
Abraham, stop wandering around the countryside and get home for supper!
Cain! Get off your brother! You're going to kill him some day!
No Noah, you can't keep them. I told you, don't bring home any more strays.
Judas! Have you been in my purse again?!
~~~
Biblical Puns
Q: What was the secret of Delilah getting into Samson’s house?
A: She picked his locks.
Q: Why did Samson try to avoid arguing with Delilah?
A: He didn’t want to split hairs.
Q: Why didn’t Pharaoh let the Israelites go into the wilderness after the first
6 plagues?
A: He was in de Nile.
~~~
Church Bulletin Bloopers
*
Newsletters are not being sent to absentees because of their weight.
* Diana and Don request your presents at their wedding.
* Lent is that period for preparing for Holy Weed and Easter.
<p>
~~~
- Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
- The eighth-graders will be presenting SShakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
- A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evvening in the church hall. Music will follow.
~~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher asked the children,
right before she dismissed them to go to church: "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."
~~~
Adam was always staying out too late. He did not come home until the wee hours of the morning.
Eve was beginning to get jealous. She wondered where he was and what the heck he was doing.
To her inquires on the topic, Adam replied: "What do you care? It's not like I'm with another woman, there ARE no other women!"
Later Adam felt Eve tugging on his shirt so he asked, "What are you doing?"
Eve replied, "I'm
counting your ribs!"
~~~
<p>
Q: Why didn't Cain please God?
A: Because he just wasn't Able.
~~~
Jesus and Satan had a debate as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they agree to hold a contest with God as the judge.
They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type
furiously for several hours, lines of code streaming up the screen.
Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God
announces that the contest is over.
He asks Satan to show what he has come
up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out." "Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus
fared any better."
Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the
speakers.
Satan is
astonished. He stutters, "But how?! I lost everything yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?"
God chuckles, "Jesus saves."
~~~
Three pastors were having lunch in a diner.
One said "You know, ever since summer started, I've been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I've tried everything--noise, spray, cats--nothing seems to scare them away!"
Another said "Yeah, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the narthex attic. I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away!"
The third said, "I baptized all mine and made them members of the church... Haven't seen one back since!"
~~~
[This next one is a good REIKI / ENERGY HEALER JOKE Too]
Three guys were boating on a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and joined them in the boat. When the
3 astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked humbly, "Jesus, I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Viet Nam war. Could you help me?"
"Of course my son," Jesus said. When Jesus touched the man's back, the man felt relief for the first time in years.
The second man, who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving, asked if Jesus could do anything about his eyesight. Jesus smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them in the lake. When the glasses hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly.
When Jesus turned to heal the third man, the guy put his hands up and cried defensively,
"Don't touch me! I'm on long-term disability."
~~~
TAKING FAITH HEALING TOO FAR
A faith healer asked Moshe how his family was getting along. "They're all fine," Moshe said,
"Except my uncle. He's very sick."
"Your uncle is not sick," the faith healer said. "He THINKS he's sick."
Two weeks later, the faith healer ran into Moshe on the street. "How is your uncle getting
along?" he asked.
Moshe shrugged, "He THINKS he's dead."
~~~
A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and
is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'll bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."
The mother agrees.
Next day he brings three beautiful women into the house, sits them down on the couch, and they chat for a while.
Then he says, "Ok, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The one on the right."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"
The Jewish mother replies, "Because I don't like her."
<p>
~~~
An atheist professor was teaching a college class and he told the class that he
was going to prove that there was not a God.
He said, "God if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!"
Ten minutes went by. He kept taunting God, saying, "Here I am God, I'm still
waiting."
He got down to the last couple of minutes and a BIG 240-pound football player happened to walk by the door and heard what the professor said.
An athlete walked in the classroom and in the last minute, he walked up, hit the professor full force, and sent him flying off the platform.
The professor got up, obviously shaken and said, "Where did you come from, and why did you do that?"
The athlete replied:
"God was busy;
He sent me!"
~~~
I always know God won't give me more than I can handle, though there are times I wish He didn't trust me quite so much!
~~~
The following announcements,
believe it or not, actually appeared in various church bulletins.....
1. Don't let worry kill you--let the church help.
2. Thursday night--Potluck supper. Prayer and medi
cation to follow.
3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church & community.
4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
5. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius
Belzer.
6. Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk please come early.
7. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?"
--- Come early and listen to our chooir practice.
~~~
There's a big controversy on the Jewish view of exactly when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until after it graduates from medical school.
~~~
A little food for thought: "Where God
Ain't"
The FEUD between the Pastor and the church Choir Director
It seems the first hint of trouble came when the Pastor preached on "Dedicating Yourselves to
Service," but the Choir Director chose to sing: "I Shall Not Be Moved".
Trying to believe it was a coincidence, the Pastor put the incident behind him. The next Sunday he preached on "Giving." Afterwards, the choir squirmed as the director led them in the hymn: "Jesus Paid It All".
By this time, the Pastor was losing his temper. Sunday morning attendance swelled as the tension between the two built. A large crowd showed up the next week to hear his sermon on "The Sin of Gossiping." Would you believe the Choir Director selected the song: "I Love To Tell The
Story?"
There was no turning back. The following Sunday the Pastor told the congregation that unless something changed, he was considering resignation. The entire church gasped when the Choir Director led them in: "Why Not Tonight"?
Truthfully, no one was surprised when the Pastor resigned a week later, explaining that Jesus had led him there and Jesus was leading him away. The Choir Director could not resist: "What A Friend We Have In Jesus."
~~~
What
I Learned From Noah
Everything I need to know, I learned from Noah's Ark...
ONE: Don't miss the boat.
TWO: Remember that we are all in the same boat.
THREE: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.
FOUR: Stay fit. When you're 60 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.
FIVE: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.
SIX: Build your future on high ground.
SEVEN: For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
EIGHT: Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.
NINE: When you're stressed, float awhile.
TEN: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.
~~~
A Christian lady
walks up to a young man driving his car, while he was stopped at a stop light
and asks: Have you found Jesus?
The man replied: You mean you folks lost him again? You've got to keep
a better eye on him. Over and over, you guys keep asking me if I found him. Now
if you keep losing him, won't you loose members too? Really, you guys better first work on
holding onto Jesus yourself. :)
~~~
1st person: Are you preparing for the judgment day?"
2nd Person: When is it?
1st person: Could be any time.
2nd Person: Well you just let me know and I'll buy a ticket from you.
~~~
Jesus is Watching
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack,a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze.
When he heard nothing more, after a bit he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I am just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me huh? Who are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?"
The bird promptly answered, "Probably the same kind of people that would name a Rotweiller Jesus..."
|
Quote - ANATOMY OF AN ILLNESS
"Not every illness can be overcome. But many people allow illness to disfigure their lives more than it should. They cave needlessly. They ignore and weaken whatever powers they may have for standing erect. There is always a margin within which life can be lived with meaning and even with a certain measure of joy, despite illness." pg. 149
|
CONTRIBUTIONS - HUMOR SUBMITTED BY OTHERS>
The Following is an Entry From BhuvanaPavani d.d.
This is what is meant by becoming the dog of the Spiritual Master... and the dog for the Lord. :-)
A sick man turned to his doctor as he was preparing to leave the
examination room and said, "Doctor, I am afraid to die. Tell me what lies on the other side."
Very quietly, the doctor said, "I don't know."
"You don't know? You, a Christian man, do not know what is on the other side?"
The doctor was holding the handle of the door; on the other side came a sound of scratching and whining, and as he opened the door, a dog sprang
into the room and leaped on him with an eager show of gladness.
Turning to the patient, the doctor said, "Did you notice my dog?
He's never been in this room before. He didn't know what was inside.
He knew nothing except that his master was here, and when the door
opened, he sprang in without fear.
I know little of what is on the other side of death, but I do know one
thing..... I know my Master is there and that is enough."
Hare Krsna !!!
~~~
Fwd From Revati prabhu
|
(Not a joke but a...) SWEET STORY TO OPEN YOUR HEART CHAKRA
Fwd email from Revati devi dasi: Subject: PUPPY SIZE --
Tired of the routine, mom sat in the small
waiting room at the end of the first row of cages. There was an observation
window so you could see the animals during times when visitors weren't permitted.
|
<p>
<p>
CAPTION - Sign reads: "Out of Body --
be back in 15 minutes."
~~~**~~~
People that say "You only live once, " are underachievers.
~~~
.
Q) What did one yogi say to the other?
A) "Don't just do something, sit there!"
~~~
Q. Did you hear about the dyslexic cow who attained enlightenment?
A. It kept on repeating OOOOMMM!
~~~
I am one with my duality.
~~~
I'm just getting over a case of spiritual laryngitis--that's where you lose your INNER voice.
-- Swami Beyondananda
~~~
Q) What do you call a sadhu who can't sew?
A)
A "mend-he-cant"
~~~
If you don't believe in reincarnation, don't worry. You probably will in your next life.
<p>
~~~
I am one with the universe ..... on a scale from one to ten.
~~~
When a person is always right, there is something wrong.
~~~
"If you create enough papa (bad karma), you'll need another mama."
~~~
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
~~~
A mystical vaishya
was overheard saying:
"
I am having an out-of-money experience."
~~~
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him what?
A super callused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.
~~~
I used to believe in reincarnation, but that was in past life.
~~~
Q: Why don't yogis vacuum in the corners?
A: Because they have no attachments. ~ Albert Einstein
~~~
Disciple: "O, all knowing one, take me to the place of perfect peace."
Master: "If I take you there, it will no longer be a perfect place of peace."
~~~
Smile! It takes only 13 muscles. Frowning takes 64.
~~~
Go ahead and be miserable - whatever makes you happ
y.
~~~
A married couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10. They were excessively mischievous, always getting into trouble.
Their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their village, their sons were probably involved.
.
The boys' mother heard
of a pundit in town who was successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her sons. The pundit agreed, but asked to see each boy separately.
So, the mother sent her eight-year-old first, in the morning.
.
The pundit, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"
The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response.
So the pundit repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?"
Again the wide-eyed boy made no attempt to answer. The pundit raised his voice and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"
The boy bolted from the room, ran directly home and hid
.
When his older brother found him hiding, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing, and they think
WE did it!!"
~~~
A young man, while attending college, learns of yoga and enlightenment. He becomes very excited and decides to take a trip to India to find his guru.
Once he gets there, he hears of the greatest of all yogis in the area. This yogi lives up a huge mountain top, one that would require a lot of climbing and austerity in order to see him. But the young man was determined, so off he went, backpack and hiking materials on him, ready for his long treck.
Finally, he reached the top of the mountain where he saw the meditating yogi. The yogi opened his eyes and
greeted him, asking, "What can I do for you?" With great excitement, the young man replied, "O great sire, I have heard of
enlightenment in America, and have traveled here to India to learn it from you."
The yogi looked at him as if this was a foolish request, saying, "Is that all you want? Then why'd you
travel, then climb all the way up here just for that? You can find all this information on my
~~~
An aspiring yogi wanted to find a guru. He went to an ashram and his guru told him, "You can stay here, but we have one important rule--all students observe mauna, a vow of silence. You will be allowed to speak two words every 12 years." After practicing yoga asanas, breath control, meditation and service for 12 long years, the day came when the student could speak to the guru. He said: "Bed hard." So they fixed that, and he kept going for another 12 years of silence, sadhana and austere discipline, then got the opportunity to speak once again. He said: "Food salty." That was corrected. Twelve more years passed and he spoke again. "I quit," he said. His guru replied, "Good. All you've ever done since you got here is complain anyway."
~~~
Some people desire peace of mind so intensely that they never have peace of mind.<p>
~~~
A devotee in India heard his guru (spiritual teacher) say, "God is in everything and everyone."
As
he walked away pondering this wisdom, on the road ahead appeared an enraged 
"Run! Run!" shouted the mahout
(elephant trainer).
The man thought to himself, "God is in me and the elephant also, why should I be afraid?"
The charging elephant knocked the man in the ditch. Bruised and upset, the man set off to see his guru to complain.
After hearing the story, the guru said, "You are right that both you and the elephant have God in your heart. But
God is also in the heart of the mahout, why did you not listen to him and get out of the way?"
~~~
An elephant walked into a computer store. He asked the salesclerk for a new system with lots of memory ..... without a mouse.
~~~
Why do elephants pain their toe nails red?
So that they can hide in cherry trees!
Have you ever seen and elephant in cherry tree?
No !
Good disguise isn't it?
~~~
Those who don't seem to have any willpower, always have plenty of won't power.
~~~
The world is divided into two kinds of people: the wise and the otherwise.
~~~
FOOD
FOR THOUGHT - You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop
laughing!
<p>
|
The comedian Swami" BeyondAnanda is a riot! If I don't find something of his on the net on my own, someone sends it to me, often not even knowing it's his. He's just too funny. So below are a few of his humorous writings from his web site beyondananda.com Enjoy!
UPDATE: Ok, we liked his humor so much, we bought one of his joke books: "Driving Your Own Karma." I especially like this first one because ISKCON is going through something where they are using temples for "seminars." This was "not" Prabhupada's program. He already gave us a program and nothing needs to be added to "improve" it. Therefore we need to recognize the weakness is our own. So lets laugh about it [here anyway]! :-)
DEALING WITH GROWTH-OUT, by Swami Beyondananda
There is another serious condition that often afflicts those on the path who have had too much personal growth. It is called "Growth-Out." Yes, there are some really "growthed out" people in the human potential movement, and it's a serious problem. Now I have nothing against the human potential movement - I think we really do have the potential to be human. But, my goodness, there are so many paths to chose from, you can get spiritual indigestion from swallowing too many different beliefs. Are you biting off more than you can chew? Take the following quiz:
1. Did you recently sign up and pay for a seminar on How To Improve Your Memory - and then forget to go?
2. Have you spent so much money on fixing yourself that now you're "really" broke?
3. Do you spend so much time out of your body that you're thinking of renting it out to a disembodied entity?
4. Have you expanded your mind so much that you had to call in a shrink just so you can fit through your door?
5. Did you enthusiastically declare to your partner at a growth seminar, "I totally support you!" and now that person expects you to pay his/her rent?
6. Did you sign up for a class on "Drawing on the Right Side of Your Brain," then quickly dropped it when you heard you'd have to shave that half of your head for a smoother drawing surface?
7. Did you get rolfed because you heard it would lead to detachment, and now you find it detached your muscle from your ligaments, your cartilage from your bone?
8. Did you pay $500 for a firewalking seminar only to find at the last minute you had coaled feet?
9. Do you go from yoga teacher to yoga teacher, constantly seeking greener postures?
10. Do you think you might be confused- but you're just not sure?
Test Results :)
0-2 "Yes" answers: You are predictable, reliable, practical and down-to-earth. In other words, you've probably never taken a personal growth seminar in your life. To you, "new age" is something you are on your next birthday.
3-5 "Yes" answers: You are showing the first signs of Growth Out; you're getting a little frayed at the edges. So, just sit back, relax - and don't be 'frayed.
6-8 "Yes," answers: You are experiencing a great deal of confusion in your life. If you're not careful where you park your karma, it might well get towed away.
Over 8 "Yes" answers: You are growthly disturbed.
[Remember, this is a joke! :-) ]
The Five Fundamentals of FUNdamentalism (From Comedian Swami Beyondananda) :-) 1. Life Is a Joke -- But God Is Laughing With Us, Not At Us. God is tuned to the Comedy Channel, and we are His Funniest Home Videos. We take turns being comedian and straight man, so we get the fool spectrum of experience. And we have free choice. We get to choose whether or not we laugh. While we FUNdamentalists are ardently pro-laugh, we are pro-choice as well. We honor every human being’s right to not be amused. But I figure, why resist a Farce that is greater than any of us? If life is a sitcom, might as well sit calm and enjoy it.
2. Fun Is Fundamental. FUNdamentalists believe that life is fundamentally fun -- that underneath all the stress, distress and negativity, there is a deep well of joy. Each time laughter bubbles up from that well, we experience deep wellness. A fooly-aware person need only look in the mirror to begin laughing. So play to God daily. Surrender to the Farce, and smile ... you’re on Candid Karma. 3. A Laugh Track Has Been Provided. The FUNdamentalist scriptures tell us that on the Eighth Day, God saw the world was funny and created Laughter. And since we were humoring Him, He decided to humor us. So He provided a laugh track so we could laugh along. But when things get serious, we lose track of the laugh track. Fortunately, the best way to overcome gravity is with levity. We can use the levitational pull to help us rise above whatever is bringing us down -- and help us get back on track.
<p>
4.
We Are Put In the Material World To Get More Material. Spirit is immaterial,
so it must materialize to experience anything. Without material existence,
there would be nothing to laugh about and no one to do the laughing.
We have been given the human jestive system to turn the material of life
into laughter. When we laugh, God laughs. And when we laugh with God, we are
using the spiritual to heal the material. To be happy in life, you must be
able to take a joke. And if you can leave a few as well, all the better. 5.
Nonjudgment Day Is At Hand! When a majority of human beings would rather laugh
than condemn, we will have an uncritical mass, and this will usher in Nonjudgment
Day. On Nonjudgment Day, we will all win beauty contests. Lawyers will
disappear, and all our trials will be over. On this glorious day when enlightening
strikes, our clown chakras will open, we will become fooly-realized,
and we will finally get the joke. The world will stop -- and everyone
will get off
DRIVE YOUR KARMA, CURB YOUR DOGMA
(Swami Beyondananada's Ten Guidelines for Enlightenment
--- This is just a joke.)
|
(Fanatical Brahmacari)
"Fight Truth decay - study shastra every day."
~~~
I'm really easy to get along with once people learn to worship me.
~~~
Q)
What is the unit called in which the spiritual power of a sanyasi is measured?
A) DandaWhatt?
~~~
Yes, a few times I've wondered if a Vaisnava (devotee of
Vishnu) could make it as a stand-up comedian.
The Vedas say we live forever.
.................Nobody told me that when I took my wedding vows. "Take my wife - please". (Commedian Rodney Dangerfields trademark words)
.
Some holy dude said that if I sing this hymn I'll go to the Kingdom of God. So I asked, "You got MTV there"?
.
~~~
.
After the Bhagavatam class, a little boy came up to the brahmacari
(monk) who gave the class and said, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money."
"Well, thank you," the devotee replied, "but why?"
"Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever heard."
~~~
You know how some brahmacari's (monks) are not really thinking of brahmacarya at all?
Well once, there was such a brahmacarya like that. He would even dressed to please the brahmacarinis (nuns).
Everyday his clothes were so nicely ironed, he even ironed his kaupins (underwear).
The most amazing thing was he put on a pair of clean socks every day, plus, they both matched! :)
.
Problem was: he couldn't tie his shoes. :)
~~~
Forbidden fruit creates many jams.
~~~
Q) What do you get if a brahmacari falls into a vat of honey?
A) A naistiki (nice-sticky) brahmacari.
~~~
Some have advised that one should eat only once on the days before and after Ekadasi.
So, I do....... all day!
~~~
Once at the temple during prasadam time a little girl was heard asking her Mata (Mom), "Why is your tummy so big Mata ?" Her mother replied, "Your Piita (Daddy) gave me a baby, and it is inside - that is why I am so big!"
The little girl then sped out of the prasadam room and up to her Pita, who (of
course) was talking to another devotee at the time.
"Piita, Piita," she shouted as she breathlessly tugged at her Piita's dhoti.
"What's wrong?!" replied her father. Excitedly the little girl said, "Piita, .....that baby you gave to Mata, well .........she ate it!!!"
~~~
Following the path of least resistance is what makes rivers and men crooked.
~~~
Driving in India
(Author Unknown)
I visited Mumbai recently and agree with the observations about driving. For the benefit of every Tom, Dick and Harry visiting India and daring to drive on Indian roads, I am offering a few hints for survival. They are applicable to every place in India except Bihar, where life outside a vehicle is only marginally safer.
Indian road rules broadly operate within the domain of karma where you do your best and leave the results to your insurance company.
The hints are as follows:
Do we drive on the left or right of the road? The answer is "both". Basically you start on the left of the road, unless it is occupied. In that case, go to the right, unless that is also occupied. Then proceed by occupying the next available gap, as in chess.
Just trust your instincts, ascertain the direction, and proceed. Adherence to road rules leads to much misery and occasional fatality.
Most drivers don't drive, but just aim their vehicles in the intended direction. Don't you get discouraged or underestimate yourself. Except for a belief in reincarnation, the other drivers are not in any better position.
Don't stop at pedestrian crossings just because some fool wants to cross the road. You may do so only if you enjoy being bumped in the back. Pedestrians have been strictly instructed to cross only when traffic is moving slowly or has come to a dead stop because some minister is in town. Still some idiot may try to wade across, but then, let us not talk ill of the dead.
Blowing your horn is not a sign of protest as in some countries. We horn to express joy, resentment, frustration, romance and bare lust (two brisk blasts) or just to mobilize a dozing cow in the middle of the bazaar.
Keep informative books in the glove compartment. You may read them during traffic jams, while awaiting the chief minister's motorcade, or waiting for the rain waters to recede when over-ground traffic meets underground drainage.
Night driving on Indian roads can be an exhilarating experience (for those with the mental makeup of Genghis Khan). In a way, it is like playing Russian roulette, because you do not know who amongst the drivers is loaded. What looks like premature dawn on the horizon turns out to be a truck attempting a speed record. On encountering it, just pull partly into the field adjoining the road until the phenomenon passes. Our roads do not have shoulders, but occasional boulders. Do not blink your lights expecting reciprocation. The only dim thing in the truck is the driver and the peg of illicit arrack he has had at the last stop; his total cerebral functions add up to little more than a naught. Truck drivers are the James Bonds of India and are licensed to kill. Often you may encounter a single powerful beam of light about six feet above the ground. This is not a super motorbike, but a truck approaching you with a single light on, usually the left one. It could be the right one, but never get too close to investigate. You may prove your point posthumously. Of course, all this occurs at night, on the trunk roads.
During the daytime, trucks are more visible, except that the drivers will never show any signal. (And you must watch for the absent signals; they are a greater threat.) Only, you will often observe that the cleaner that sits next to the driver will project his hand and wave hysterically. This is definitely not to be construed as a signal for a left turn. The waving is just an expression of physical relief on a hot day.
Occasionally you might see what looks like an UFO with blinking colored lights and weird sounds emanating from within. This is an illuminated bus, full of happy pilgrims singing bhajans. These pilgrim buses go at breakneck speed, seeking contact with the Almighty, often meeting with success.
Unique to Indian traffic:
Auto Rickshaw (Baby Taxi)
The result of a collision between a rickshaw and an automobile, this three-wheeled vehicle works on an external combustion engine that runs on a mixture of kerosene oil and creosote. This triangular vehicle carries iron rods, gas cylinders or passengers three times its weight and dimension, at an unspecified fare.
After careful geometric calculations, children are folded and packed into these auto rickshaws until some children in the periphery are not in contact with the vehicle at all. Then their school bags are pushed into the microscopic gaps all round so those minor collisions with other vehicles on the road cause no permanent damage. Of course, the peripheral children are charged half the fare and also learn Newton's laws of motion en route to school. Auto-rickshaw drivers follow the road rules depicted in the film Ben Hur and are licensed to irritate.
Mopeds
The moped looks like an oil tin on wheels and makes noise like an electric shaver. It runs 30 miles on a teaspoon of petrol and travels at break-bottom speed. As the sides of the road are too rough for a ride, the moped drivers tend to drive in the middle of the road; they would rather drive under heavier vehicles instead of around them and are often "mopped" off the tarmac.
Leaning Tower of Passes
Most bus passengers are given free passes and during rush hours, there is absolute mayhem (hell). There are passengers hanging off other passengers, who in turn hang off the railings and the overloaded bus leans dangerously, defying laws of gravity but obeying laws of surface tension. As drivers get paid for overload (so many Rupees per kg of passenger), no questions are ever asked. Steer clear of these buses by a width of three passengers.
One-way Street
These boards are put up by traffic people to add jest in their otherwise drab lives. Don't stick to the literal meaning and proceed in one direction. In metaphysical terms, it means that you cannot proceed in two directions at once. So drive as you like, in reverse throughout, if you are the fussy type.
Lest I sound hypercritical, I must add a positive point also.
Rash and fast driving in residential areas has been prevented by providing a "speed breaker"; two for each house. This mound, incidentally, covers the water and drainage pipes for that residence
and is left un-tarred for easy identification by the corporation authorities, should they want to recover the pipe for year-end accounting.
If, after all this, you still want to drive in India, have your lessons between 8 pm and 11 am - when the police have gone home. The citizen is then free to enjoy the 'FREEDOM OF SPEED' enshrined in our constitution.
Having said all this, it's true that the accident rate and related deaths are less in India compared to US or
Other countries.
~~~
"No Krishna-No Peace.
Know Krishna-Know Peace."
~~~
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and foolish.
~~~
"If you're headed in the wrong direction, Krishna allows U-turns."
~~~
Q) How do you know that there was a brahmacari in your refrigerator?
A) Everything is gone!
Q) How do you know that there was a sanyasi in your refrigerator?
A) All the good stuff is gone!
<p>
Q) How do you know that there was a true
renunciant in your refrigerator?
A) Nothing is gone! (But what was he doing there at all? ha ha)
<p>
Q) How do you know Bhakta Dave was in your
refrigerator?
A) He's lying on your kitchen floor moaning.
<p>
Q) How do you get Bhakta Dave off your kitchen floor?
A) Yell "ICE CREAM!" from the next room.
[I've known a few Bhakta Dave's in my time - ha. ]
~~~
<p>
Q) Why do cows wear bells?
A) Because their horns don't work.
Q) Where do they get milk in Russia?
A) MosCOW.
~~~
Q) What do you get from forgetful cows?
A) Milk of amnesia!
~~~
Q) What did the bull say to the cow?
A) I will love you for heifer!
~~~
Cow
Economics
SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.
COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.
FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.
BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away…
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.
ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
~~~
A humble dairy farmer & millionaire told some of his associates: "All that I own I've gotten from udders."
~~~
Once there was a very sinful (so-called) "brahmin / priest." He did not want to give up his material sense gratifications and indulged in many of them - often. At the time of his death he was was sent to Yamaraj to be dealt with.
Now this (so-called) "brahmana" knew he had had many such sinful births, and subsequent cleansings after death. Nevertheless, this 'brahmin' was very indolent in his manner, and arrogant in his mood.
Due to some austerities that he had performed each birth - he seemed to save himself from being borrn as an animal. But this time when Yamaraj had him dragged to his court, recognizing him said: "Are you back again?! Well, what have you got to say for yourself this time?"
The 'brahmin" replied, "Any mail for me.....?"
[Think about it. :) ]
~~~
~~~
Bhakta Burfi was very enthusiastic to distribute Prabhupada's books in deepest
parts of Africa. While out on Sankirtana he crossed paths with a full-grown lion. Backing away from
the man-eating beast, he began to pray in earnest to Lord Nrisimhadeva. "Dearest Lord, king
of all lions, you know the nature of this beast, please make him a devotee."
Unfortunately, the prayer was to no avail. The lion moved closer, licking its lips hungrily.
Again he prayed, even more desperately, "Please Lord, You know the nature of this lion. I
beg you, make him a devotee!" But the lion continued to stalk him, salivating at the mouth.
Finally he cried out in terror, "Oh Lord Nrsimha, You are omnipotent, and You know the
nature of this creature, please, please, make him a devotee." Then just when he thought that
all was lost, the hungry lion stopped in his tracks, lay down peacefully and said:
"Maha-prasadam Govinda......"
~~~
"Rather than fault-find, learn from the
mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself."
~~~
Mrs. Goldstein told a friend, "I vant to go to India and see the great yogi-guru."
Her friend replied, "Oh no! Don't do that Mrs. Goldstein! You are old, it is hot there, & you won't like the food, etc. Please stay here."
But Mrs. Goldstein insisted: "I vant to go to India."
Her friend tried and tried to persuade her, but to no avail. Mrs. Goldstein always replied, "I vant to go to India."
So
Mrs. Goldstein obtained her ticket and flew 
to India to see the great
yogi-guru.
When she arrived, the yogi-guru was sitting on a high seat with countless people bowing at his feet. There was a huge, long line before him, all to see this yogi-guru. Mrs. Goldstein waited.
A servant of the yogi-guru walked over to inform her, "Since there are so many people here to see the yogi-guru, when it comes your turn, you can only speak 6 words to him." Mrs. Goldstein agreed.
It was almost her turn, and the servant walked over and reminded her, "Only 6 words, remember that." To which she again, agreed.
Now she was up. Mrs. Goldstein walked over, stood in front of the yogi-guru to speak her 6 words and said:
"Sheldon,
it's your mother. Come home!"
[
If you don't significantly "get" this joke, think about our Movements management over the years. Ahhhh, "now" is it a light bulb moment? hehe Hey, it's all in good fun. There's humor here about everyone.] <p>
~~~
<p>
A
spiritual woman who was mailing an old family Bhagavad-gita to her brother in another part of India.
The postal clerk asked: "Is there anything breakable in here?"
"Only the 4 regulative principles," answered the lady.
~~~
A spaced out brahmacari said to his friend: "I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory."
~~~
The King asked Gopal Bhata (a type of court jester) -
"What is the difference between you and a fool?"
Gopal Bhata, standing before the King, replied: "About 8 feet."
TEN OFFENSES AGAINST E-MAIL
1)To blaspheme the devotees who have dedicated their valuable time, money and entire lives for using the e-mail.
2) To consider activities like chanting, hearing etc to be equal to or
independent of the reading of e-mail.
3)
To disregard the information received from the e-mail and consider it
irrelevant.
4)To blaspheme the e-mail messages and other messages in relation to
e-mail.
5)
To consider the glories of e-mail to be imagination.
6)To give some mundane interpretation of the e-mail and its messages.
7)To commit sinful activities on the strength of using e-mail.
8)To consider using the e-mail as one of the many ritualistic activities
mentioned in the worldly literatures.
9)To instruct faithless persons of the glories of using the e-mail.
10)To not have complete faith in the usage of e-mail and maintain other
methods of communication in spite of receiving many instructions in this regard. It is also an offense to be inattentive while using the e-mail.
Anyone who claims to be a e-mail user must carefully guard against all these offenses in order to quickly achieve the desired success which is "e-mail prema."
<p>
~~~
Intellectuals solve problems ~ geniuses prevent them.
~~~
When Lord Rama wanted to test Sita for her chastity, he told Laksmana to build the funeral pyre. Laksmana did not like this at all, but Rama insisted.
He was, after all, the older brother. So Laksmana said, "Oh, alright! But I will never appear as your younger brother again!"
(hehe) And He didn't. His
next appearance was as Lord Balarama, the OLDER brother of Lord Krishna. :-)
~~~
Once a yogi was giving a talk at the Kumbha Mela in Allahabad, India. As he was talking, a snake came out in front of everyone. This snake had red ants crawling all over him, and the red ants were biting the snake very badly. The snake's skin was hanging off its body. Upon seeing this, the yogi laughed and laughed, and some of the audience were surprised. "Why are you laughing at this poor creature? Don't you have any compassion?" The yogi replied, "You don't understand. In his last life, this snake was a guru, but he accepted his disciple's service for his own sense gratification. Now his disciples are getting back at him."
~~~
A
dedicated brahmacari (monk) wanting to distribute books, fills his
book-bag then leaves. On his way he walks on the road with this sack full of heavy books. Seeing a farmer working in the field he
stopped & asked: "Good man, can I cross your meadow
for a shortcut so that I can catch an earlier train at
10.30?"
"Sure" says farmer "and if my bull
notices you, you can even catch the one at 9:45."
~~~
Did you hear about the mayavadi Swami who went to lunch to preach to a cannibal?
No, what happened?
Apparently they now are one.
~~~
A simple
refutation of mayavadi philosophy:
"Certainly it is not all one, for even the length of a minute depends on
which side of a bathroom door you're standing on."
~~~
A devout gurukula (student) boy lost his favorite Bhagavad Gita while he was mending fences out on the temple farm.
Three weeks later a cow walked up to him carrying the Bhagavad Gita in its mouth.
The gurukula boy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed:
"Wow, It's a miracle!"
"Not really," said the cow. "Your name is written inside the cover."
~~~
DON'T WORRY, BE HAPPY :-)
Food For Thought: "A wise person sometimes changes their mind, a fool never does."
~~~
Most of the links I put here will not be to a page filled
countless links, but to an actual joke or activity!
Brain Heath ~ (Not a joke but for health purposes. Simultaneously fun!) I heard of a computer program reputed to keep the brain young which was very similar to this but cost $150! This one is free! Do it repeatedly for brain health. Just as we work out our body, we must work out and build our brain. After all, the brain is a muscle too! It needs exercise. IMHO chanting & reading Prabhuada's books will do it, but here's extra. :) Try it, its fun, and good for ya. http://www.fireworkspop.com/colortest.htm
Brain Fitness ~ Found another! :) Quote: In 2006, the ACTIVE Study, funded by the National Institutes of Health, demonstrated that adults could improve their brain functions with the correct training. Some of the gains from training were seen to be beneficial 5 years later. Read the science here, but better,
play these games and keep your brain from aging! http://www.fitbrains.com
Children - The Adventures of Damodara ~ Adorable children's site with videos,
bhajans, activities, etc in English or Spanish.
http://www.damodara.de/
(Article)
How Music Affects Us and Why Music Therapy Promotes Health
Research has shown that music with a strong beat can stimulate brainwaves to resonate in sync with the beat, - breathing and heart rate can also be altered by the changes music can bring. - Music can also be used to bring a more positive state of mind, -Using Music On Your Own
http://stress.about.com/od/tensiontamers/a/music_therapy.htm
Mongalananda - Spiritual Rock
~ Transcendental 60's style rock music (therapy?)
Three Little Words ~ Hard to describe, just gotta view it. --Afterthought: Moms or anyone who take care of little children 24/7 will especially appreciate it! :) http://www.flowgo.com/funny/1202_three-little-words.html
Create your own
FIREWORKS ~ When you get there, just click on the sky. http://www.cyberfireworks.com/concert.htm
Not a joke 'but' Relaxing and a Cool site. ~ "
GALAXY" ~ Move your mouse over the image to change directions. http://www.crazyimages.com/galaxy/index.htm
Talk with Oliver ~ The chat robot. It is like talking with a person. http://www.oliverbot.com/
Get R-e-l-a-x-e-d ~ A site dedicated to calming sounds, such as a waterfall, a beach, even a sleeping baby, various animals, more. http://www.getrelaxed.com/
God's
CREATION
File: If you use a computer and have worked with files, click here: http://www.pi.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/creation.html
Life in CALIFORNIA ~ For those of you who don't live there and wish you could experience California living, and even those who do but could use a refresher, this link will give you an immediate experience: http://cybersalt.org/cleanfun/california.htm
Error Message
~
Funny DNS error message.
http://www.coxar.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/
Transcendental Humor and Quotes ~ My husbands joke page. Funny!!
http://www.geocities.com/visoka123/visoka/VCN/transcendental_humor.htm
FULL
SPECTRUM
LIGHT BULBS - "NOT" free
~ For people who suffer from S.A.D.
and were all ready desiring to purchase these but may not have
known where. So here's the link. I'll keep this at the very end of
this section, tho do bookmark their link to your favorites as this is highly
important for those who suffer from depression or lesser: SAD (Seasonal
Affective Disorder). SAD often has more to do with an inability to get these
rays into one's self during winter or dark days, so here ya go:
http://www.verilux.net/products/decor/index.asp I
have no connection with this company & place this here only to help. Caution: Anyone with Mania should
"not" use these! Only for depression OR SAD. Talk to your doctor. I
claim "all" Disclaimers.
VIDEO CLIPS
|
SCIENCE - Laughter brought about a significant increase in IgB, which is the immunoglobulin produced in the greatest quantity in body. It also increased Complement 3. This helps antibodies pierce through infected or dysfunctional cells. The increase in both substances was not only present while subjects watched a humor VIDEO; there also was a lingering effect that continued to show increased levels the next day. -- Summary Research Results of Dr. Lee Berk and Dr. Stanley Tan (Loma Linda U of Ca)
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If like me, you are one of those who has trouble viewing YouTube, I only put a few of those here, and mostly placed easier to view videos. For example, videos from flowgo.com are quiet easy to see! And those from cybersalt/cleanfun are also viewable on my slow poke computer anyway. :) So
don't deprive yourself, just read the url source & give them a shot.
Baby
Laughs At Spoon ~ Having a bad day, feeling down? The innocence and laughter
of a baby can lift that. This baby thinks a spoon is a riot. Imagine being that
new to the world everything seems magical again. Well, we can at least share in
his! :) http://www.flowgo.com/funny/16343_baby-laughs-at-spoon.html
Mat
Dances (also known as "Where The Hell Is Matt?") ~ Young man,
probably college age, traveled around the world, doing a short, silly little dance, in each country
he visits. Made me think of our own Dancing in the Streets! And Unity in Diversity. Plus, the music is so nice,
I wanted to get off my chair and chant Hare Krishna as if I 'were' dancing "in the streets"
on HariNama. :) Notice the snippet in India. Its one of the few he stops to learn a tiny
bit of a cultural dance (BharatNatyam). Also at end it says the music lyrics
were adapted from a poem from GitanJali. Interesting! Someone should email him
an "As It It." .... Or "Krishna
Book". :-) http://youtube.com/watch?v=zlfKdbWwruY
Things "NOT" To Say To The Police ~ Example: After being pulled over, driver says to officer: "Sorry, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in." Funny, but don't copy his attitude. :) Animated. http://www.flowgo.com/funny/5845_what-not-say-police.html
Shadow Hands ~ "The hand that can destroy, is the same that hand that can help." Artistic shadow hand puppetry with a message. View shadow swan, parrot, moose, rabbit, frog, &more. http://www.dumbvideos.com/shadowhands.html
Charlie Bit Me ~ Big brother keeps putting his finger into teething baby
brothers mouth. Don't worry, all is well. :) Cute. http://www.flowgo.com/funny/16089_teething-baby.html
Christian the Lion ~
Not a joke but heartwarming. Two 2 young
British boys around 1970ish bought as their pet, a baby lion. Obviously,
that can't last. But did a lion bond with 2 humans, or attack them? And what
happened after about a year of the lion separated from them - only to see them
again? Do not try this at home, no matter how cute it looks. Back
then, an era of "peace & love will conquer all," they may not have
fully known any better, but these days we know respect of nature, plus knowledge
(how to-s), are also important. Lions are "happier" in their natural
habitat. Lovely music on the video. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=adYbFQFXG0U
Rev.
Billy Bobs Rodent Revival ~ The Reverend (a rodent) is preaching. :-) Short.
Funny! I mean "really" funny! Check it out: http://www.flowgo.com/funny/1956_rev-billy-bobs-rodent-revival.html
Shadow Boxing Kitty ~ Cat sees boxing on T.V. and tries to get on on the act. :)
http://www.flowgo.com/funny/16349_shadow-boxing-cat.html
Pigs Have Feelings Too ~ Some say they're smarter then dogs. (Now don't all you dog lovers email me with complaints, or as the saying goes: "Don't shoot the messenger.") Anyhow, here we have "High Diving Pigs." http://www.flowgo.com/funny/16366_high-diving-pigs.html
Cat Vs. Dog Competition with WII ~ Selectively edited video of a
cat and dog trying to win the Wii game. (Ok, they edited, but it appears they
were doing 'something.') Anyhow, funny!
http://www.flowgo.com/funny/16369_cat-vs-dog-wii-match.html
LASSIE Kung Fu (i.e. Lassie "Come Home." -- GE Security Commercial) ~ Funny! See Lassie do some good Kung Fu moves and save little Timmy.
http://www.dumbvideos.com/gesecuritycommercial-lassiekung-fu.html
Just Cute! Visualize this little angel (child) saying this to Lord Krishna. Her innocence is moving. http://www.flowgo.com/funny/12824_one-more-day.html
The Power Of Chocolate ~ Upon first viewing you may not get the joke cuz what is actually going on is not not always clearly understood initially. But with a second viewing, you 'will' figure it out, and find yourself laughing ....hard! Oh, maybe you'll get it first time around, just wanted to put that explanation out there so you don't misunderstand my sense of humor. This is funny. http://cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh/chocolate.htm
Go Granny! ~ Ok, maybe this one is a little odd, but don't worry, Granny is fine! After all, this is from a Pastors web site. (And this is trick photography.) With that in mind ............ check this out -- it's funny. http://cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh/video/gogranny.htm
[Serious,
But Needed.] "Just Yell
FIRE"
~ Mostly I place funny, cute,
etc videos here. I'm making an exception for the sake of safety. This is a film made by teens instructing how to
get away from an abductor.
If you have daughter, daughter-in-law, grandchildren, of you may be older but
appear young....plus boys also get abducted too.... so this film is educational for safety, and a FERE download.
http://justyellfire.com/index.php
Irish Laughing Baby - Just try not to laugh as you watch this ~ Impossible! :) (Some animation, some not.) http://www.flowgo.com/funny/3036_top-morning.html
F
OOD FOR THOUGHT - "With devotion steeped in love and affection, the yogi should meditate within the core of his heart upon the laughter of Lord Vishnu. The laughter of Vishnu is so captivating that it can be easily meditated upon. When the Supreme Lord is laughing, one can see His small teeth, which resemble jasmine buds rendered rosy by the splendor of His lips. Once devoting his mind to this, the yogi no longer desires to see anything else." ~ S.P., Srimad-Bhagavatam 3-23-33 "Kapila's Instructions on Devotional Service"
~~
Krishna states in the Gita -
"And of all yogis, he who always abides in Me with great faith, worshiping Me in transcendental loving service, is the most intimately united with Me in yoga and is the highest of all." B.G. 6.47
I'm not sure where to write this, so I'll just put it here.
Just a thought: I hope no one feels unhappy too often.
Please know that it's normal to feel that way at times.
Never think because you are not happy all the time that there must be something
wrong with you. No. (Especially with our current economy.) Matter of fact,
even the
happiest person is sometimes unhappy. With that said, we can lift ourselves up.
This site is my small endeavor to try to help folks when overcome with the
blues, or on a gray day, to make you chuckle 
....plus to make it easy to access jokes, fast. And/Or someone may have a physical
illness. So take
your medicine, eat right, exercise when appropriate, and please use this page to
lighten up. Medical Science shows that endorphins, serration, ETC are elevated when we
laugh. That in
n turn elevates our mood as well as assists physical healing. So please do the
needful. Of
course one need not feel down in order to come here and have a good
laugh! 
Visit us
any time, any mood, any day, for fun, pleasure, a place to remember those cool
links for you (so ya only need to save this page to your favorites), or for any other
reason at all.
To everyone I say, use
this good mood as a stepping stone to go more spiritual, then transcendental.
Open up to entering into the world of eternal happiness, eternal bliss, and of
course, eternity ~ starting immediately. :) So get started by please
chanting:
HARE KRISHNA, HARE
KRISHNA, KRISHNA KRISHNA,
HARE HARE.
HARE RAMA, HARE
RAMA, RAMA RAMA, HARE
HARE.
Then your life will become sublime.
Srila Prabhupada lecture, 1-12-73, Bombay: "There is no difference between chanting the Hare Krsna mantra and meeting Krsna eye to eye, face to face. Simply one has to realize."
And consider joining my newsletter too. :) It can be your next step toward enlightenment!
[Interested in blissful spiritual life? Vegetarian recipes, news, Krishna Book (1st publication paid by George Harrison), and much more? Check out the front page of my newsletter and see if it's a good fit for you. Hope so! :-) ]
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My web pages can no longer be published free. Matter of fact they were (suddenly) shut down for awhile, unbeknownst to me. Initially I paid the cost to keep them going (requiring the more expensive one since I use FrontPage). Now my sites have been reopened. However, I don't make a lot of money and - well - not sure how long I can keep doing this. Humbly I ask you to please give a donation - any size would help. IMHO it will actually make the difference between night and day! Then this site can keep on going and going, with a little help.
Kindly help out - with any amount at all, really.
Do you enjoy any of my E-Groups? Many of my web sites are used to support and help them out. (Admittedly, I am concerned one day yahoo will shut them down except to those who pay... because they considered that in the past.) Anyhow, some of my sites interact with my e-groups, such as:
Inspiration Newsletter, Distant Healing, Mental Health & Rebalancing, Hypothyroidism (TAM, TCM), Shastra / Prabhupada e-group, ETC. (The following contains both egroups and site links) http://www.geocities.com/priitaa/krishna_conscious_web_sites.htm
Maybe you use them .... or not. Doesn't matter so much, since all help is good karma or more, assists others who are in need etc, plus keeps everything running smoothly with even a little donation. Anything at all is greatly appreciated! :-)
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NOTE: If you are unfamiliar with e-groups and as an older godsister, want to join, email me. I can sign you up! (Only with your permission will I do this, so feel free to email and ask.) ... First please read our groups front page. Click on above link to see and check it out. Then contact me. :-)
~~~**~~~* ~~~***~~~
VAISNAVI'S FOR PRABHUPADA - Not one of the older godsisters? That's perfectly fine, as I also created an e-group for all ages and stages! :) It's for ladies who have all ready come to that internal place where they can not imagine anyone other than Prabhupada as their guru. Yes, there "is" a group you too can get devotee association. If you're a Prabhupadanuga and in a female body (guys, don't ask - we sort of an online brahmacarini ashram)... here's a place you can find like-minded Vaisnavi's, read Prabhupada quotes, chat (about the good, the bad, or whatever you wish, as long as its from a spiritual & cooperative perspective), or can ask for spiritual guidance or suggestions, etc., from like-minded godsisters. We're not for everyone, see if we're a good fit for you and click on the link. Then read front page. Peace & bliss to all. http://groups.yahoo.com/group/VaisnavisForPrabhupada
NOTE: Similar to the the one above. :-)
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MY
KRISHNA CONSCIOUS SITES THUS FAR
http://www.geocities.com/priitaa/krishna_conscious_web_sites.htm
~~~**~~~**~~~**~~~~~~**~~~**~~~**~~~~~~**~~~**~~~**~~~
Do
you have a good, clean,
belly-rolling joke to share? E-mail it to me titled: "Jokes
for Your Humor Site." (Otherwise I might
think it's spam & delete it.)
If you can really crack me
up, I just might add yours to this page.
:-)
Click
here.
...Whereas
spam will be
reported or dealt with.
Besides, I've
never purchased a thing from spam
in the decade I've been online; so no sense wasting
your time or
mine.
.
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PHISHING - If someone is trying to fish for your personal identifying information and sends you phishing email, website, email addy, or service, you can report such incidents to the related company or ISP it came from. However, do NOT reply to the individaul/email you received. For example if its a yahoo abuse, "forward" a copy of it to: mail-spoof@cc.yahoo-inc.com But NEVER respond to the email sender it came from! Because that only goes back to the spammer in the first place and not an authority, thus you will end up on their endless phishing e-list!
You may also wish to report the phishing email to the Federal Trade Commission (FTC) by forwarding it to their address: spam@uce.gov
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By the way, I claim ALL DISCLAIMERS.
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Answering Machine
Messages 
Dear
Various Readers,