Cast: (Monty Python style accents)

The Man Without (call him Bob) - speaks like a nobleman

Porter - not too bright

King - also not too bright, but in an aristocratic sort of way

Queen - dominates her husband, wants to see her daughter married off

Princess - young and feminine

Bob: (prenteds to knock) Knock, knock, knock.

Porter: (goes to Bob and talks to him through an imaginary gate) Who goes there?

Bob: The man without.

Porter: The man without? The man without what?

Bob: The man without the gate!

Porter: Oh....right. (returns to king) Oh, kingy?

King: Yes, lowly porter?

Porter: There's a man without.

King: A man without? A man without what?

Porter: A man without the gate.

King: Oh. Well, then give him the gate.

Porter: Oh....right. (returns to gate) Oh, man without?

Bob: Yes?

Porter: You can have the gate

Bob: You fool. I don't want the gate.

Porter: Oh...right. (returns to king) Oh, kingy?

King: Yes, lowly porter?

Porter: He doesn't want the gate.

King: Oh. Well, find out what he wants.

Porter: Oh....right. (returns to gate) Oh, man without?

Bob: Yes?

Porter: What do you want?

Bob: I wish to have the princess's hand.

Porter: Oh...right. (returns to king) Oh, kingy?

King: Yes, puny, insignificant porter?

Porter: He wants the princess's hand.

King: Oh. Perhaps I'd better check with the queen.

Porter: Quite.

King: Oh, dearest beloved wife of mine?

Queen: Yes, sovereign and wise husband?

King: There's a man without.

Queen: A man without what?

King: A man without the gate.

Queen: Well, then give him the gate, all powerful husband.

King: Well, no, lovely and charming wife, he doesn't want the gate.

Queen: What does he want, then?

King: It seems he wants the princess's hand.

Queen: (excited) Oh, that's wonderful! (pauses) Do you suppose I should check with the princess on this?

King: (thinks for a second) Perhaps, yes.

Queen: Oh, beautiful and innocent princess?

Princess: Yes, mother.

Queen: There's a man without.

Princess: A man without what?

Queen: A man without the gate.

Princess: Well, then give him the gate.

Queen; No, no, darling, lovely, unmarried princess, he doesn't want the gate.

Princess: Well...what does he want, then?

Queen: He wants your hand!

Princess: Just my hand?!? How grotesque!!!

Queen: That's what he says. (turns to king) Oh, rugged and courageous husband?

King: Yes, true and virtuous wife?

Queen: He just wants her hand?

King: (looks confused) i don't know. Oh, miniscule, worthless porter?

Porter: Yes, mighty king?

King: He just wants her hand?

Porter: I don't know. (returns to Bob) Oh, man without?

Bob: Yes?

Porter: You just want her hand?

Bob: No, no, no. Not just her hand. I want all of her.

Porter: All of her?

Bob: Yes.

Porter: Oh....right. Oh, kingy?

King: Yes, slimy, disgusting, slobbering porter?

Porter: He doesn't want her hand...he wants all of her.

King: Oh. Perhaps I'd better check with the queen.

Porter: Quite.

King; Oh, upstanding, stately wife.

Queen: Yes, verile and masculine king?

King: He doesn't want her hand...he wants all of her.

Queen: Oh, my. Should I check with the princess?

King: Perhaps.

Queen: Oh, pure and innocent princess?

Princess: Yes, mother.

Queen: He doesn't want your hand. He wants all of her.

Princess: Oliver? Oliver the gardner? You'll have to tell him Oliver's not in. It's his day off.

Queen; Oh....of course. Great and mighty king?

King: Yes, nagging wife?

Queen: You'll have to tell him Oliver the gardner's not in. it's his day off.

King: Oh, of course. Oh, wretched, grovelling porter?

Porter: Yes, arrogant king?

King: You'll have to tell him that Oliver the gardner's not in. It's his day off.

Porter: Oh....right. Oh, man without?

Bob: Yes?

Porter: Oliver the gardner's not in. It's his day off.

Bob: What? No, no, no. i don't want Oliver the gardner. i want all of her.

Porter: Oh....right. What?

Bob: You know....alllll of her. (displays an hourglass figure with his hands)

Porter: Oh, alllll of her.

Bob: Yes!!!

Porter: Right. Oh, kingy?

King: Yes, contemptuous porter?

Porter: He doesn't want Oliver the gardner, he wants all of her. (king stares) Allll of her.

King: (uncertain) All of her?

Porter: All...of her.

King: Oh...perhaps I should check with the queen.

Porter: Quite.

King: Oh, wonderful and elegant wife?

Queen: Yes, handsome king?

King: He doesn't want Oliver the gardner, he wants all of her. Alllll of her.

Queen: Oh, my. Do you suppose I should check with the princess?

King: I suppose.

Queen: Oh, worthy princess.

Princess: Yes, mother?

Queen: He doesn't want Oliver the gardner.

Princess: He doesn't?

Queen: No. He wants all of you. Allll of you.

Priness: Oh, my. Allll of me?

Queen: Quite.

Priness: Well, tell him no.

Queen: No?!?!

Priness: Yes. No.

Queen: All right, dear. (turns to kinig, then pauses and looks back at princess) Are you quite sure?

Princess: Quite.

Queen: (sighs) Oh, king. She says no.

King: No? is she quite sure?

Queen: Quite.

King: Oh, slothful porter. Tell him she says no.

Porter: Right. Oh, man without? The princess says no.

Bob: Oh. How terribly disappointing.

Porter: Yes, yes. Well, you know how these things go.

Bob: All too well, porter, all too well. Say, can you tell me how to get to the next castle, by any chance?

Porter: Oh, right. (drops accent) Head down two miles to the 7-11 and hang a left. Watch for the Tim Horton's on the left and hang a right just after it. It's 5 blocks down on the right. If you see the golf course you've gone too far.

Bob: Excellent. Cheerio, then. Let me know if the princess changes her mind.

Porter: Oh, of course, sir. (waits til man without is gone. king and queen are not paying attention. Sneaks over to princess, taps her on the shoulder and she stands.) Just me and you, babe!!! (they exit together)