Woody Allen Quotes

sex    love & marriage    god    death    life    personality   miscellaneous

Sex

Don't knock masturbation - it's sex with someone you love.

Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.

Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you can get between the right man and the right woman.

Sex between two people is a beautiful thing - between five, it's fantastic.

Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.

The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

There's nothing sexier than a lapsed Catholic.

Is sex dirty? Only when it's being done right. (from Everything You Always Wanted to Know about Sex, but Were Afraid to Ask)

Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's one of the best. (from Love and Death)

I finally had an orgasm and my doctor told me it was the wrong kind. (from Manhattan)

You use sex to express every emotion except love. (from Hannah and Her Sisters)

I have to get to town.  I teach an advanced masturbation class at  the University, and if I'm late they start without me. (from Zelig)

 

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me and she said 'no'.

I was incredible in bed last night.  I never once had to sit up and consult the manual. (from Play it Again, Sam)

The last time I was in a woman I was visiting the Statue of Liberty.

I'm such a great lover because , I practice a lot when I'm alone. (from Love and Death)

Being bisexual immediately doubles your chance of a date on Saturday night.

I had a mad impulse to throw you down on the lunar surface and commit interstellar perversion with you...

Sex is better than talk...Talk is what you suffer through so you can get to sex. (from Hollywood Ending)

Love and Marriage

By love, of course, I refer to romantic love - the love between man and woman, rather that between mother and

child, or a boy and his dog, or two headwaiters.

Marriage is the death of hope. (from A Midsummer Night's Sex Comedy)

I knew I was in love. First of all, I was very nauseous.

My ex-wife was a philosophy major at NYU. Yeah, she and I used to have deep philosophical discussions where she would prove that I didn't exist.

My wife is immature. Whenever I take a bath, she sinks my boats.

Should I marry W.? Not if she won't tell me the other letters in her name. (from Without Feathers)

A relationship, I think, is like a shark. You know, it has to constantly move forward or it dies. And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark. (from Annie Hall)

I want you to enjoy me. My wry sense of humor and astonishing sexual technique. (from Manhattan)

I never want to marry.  I just want to get divorced. (from Love and Death)

Sex alleviates tension.  Marriage causes it. (from A Midsummer Night's Sex Comedy)

I'm tired of making love to a woman I feel inferior to.(from Interiors)

To love is to suffer.  To avoid suffering one must not love.  But  then one suffers from not loving.  Therefore to love is to suffer.  Not to love is to suffer.  To suffer is to suffer.  To be happy is  to love.  To be happy, then, is to suffer.  But suffering makes one  unhappy.  Therefore to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer,  or suffer from too much happiness. (from Love and Death)

 

God

As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" - probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

 

If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.

If Jesus Christ came back today and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up."

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. ( from Without Feathers)

Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.

You think you're God! I gotta model myself after someone. (from Manhattan)

Death

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.

Death should not be seen as the end, but as a very effective way to cut down expenses.

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

There are worst things than death. If you've ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman, you know exactly what I mean. (from Love and Death)

Life

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.

It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better ... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more. (from Side Effects)

I thought your line was great about, uh, "life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television." I mean, it's completely true. (from Hannah and her Sisters)

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

There are three things Jewish people worship - God, Chinese food and wall-to-wall carpeting.

Personality

I am at two with nature.

I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.

I do not believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.

I was thrown out of the college for cheating on my metaphysics final. You know, I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick - not wounded - dead.

I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.

In the event of war, I'm a hostage.

I'm so excited - I think today I'm going to brush all my teeth.

I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.

My brain? It's my second favorite organ. (from Sleeper)

My only regret in life is that I wasn't born someone else.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

How am I immature? Intellectually, emotionally, and sexually. Yeah, but in what other ways?

Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.

Miscellaneous

At the opera in Milan with my daughter and me, Needleman leaned out of his box and fell into the orchestra pit. Too proud to admit it was a mistake, he attended the opera every night for a month and repeated it each time. (from Side Effects)

Capital punishment would be more effective as a preventive measure if it were administered prior to the crime.

I think you should defend to the death their right to march, and then go down and meet them with baseball bats. (on the KKK).

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

I took a speed reading course and read War and Peace in 20 minutes. It involves Russia.

It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.

If you don't fail now and again, it's a sign you're playing it safe.

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.

It is no secret that organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year. This is quite a profitable sum, especially when one considers that the Mafia spends very little for office supplies.

Nothing worth knowing can be understood with the mind.

It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

More than any time in history mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.

 

The great roe is a mythological beast with the head of a lion and the body of a lion, though not the same lion. (from Without Feathers).

I'm astounded by people who want to "know" the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.

Today I saw a red-and-yellow sunset and thought, How insignificant I am! Of course, I thought that yesterday, too, it rained. I was overcome with self-loathing and contemplated suicide again - this time by inhaling next to an insurance salesman.

 

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?

Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence so why bother shaving?

Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage. (from Without Feathers)

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.

And in all of Babylonia there was wailing and gnashing of teeth, 'til the prophets bade the multitudes get a grip on themselves and shape up.

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

No matter how cynical you are, you can't keep up.

Those who can't do, teach. And those who can't teach, teach gym. And of course, those who couldn't do anything, I think, were assign to our school. (from Annie Hall)

That was the most fun I've ever had without laughing.

I was in analysis. I was suicidal as a matter of fact and would have killed myself, but I was in analysis with a strict Freudian, and if you kill yourself they make you pay for the sessions you miss. (from Annie Hall)

You don't get suspecious when your analyst calls you up at three in the morning and weeps into the telephone? (from Manhattan).

A) Socrates is a man.  B) All men are mortal.  C) All men are Socrates.  That means all men are homosexuals. (from Love and Death).

In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows. (from Annie Hall).

I would never want to belong to a club that would have me as a member.  (from Annie Hall)

I worked with Freud in Vienna.  We broke over the concept of penis  envy.  He thought it should be limited to women. (from Zelig)

How the hell do I know why there were Nazis? I don't even know how the can opener works!

I could tell by the sound of your voice over the phone. Very authoritative you know, like the Pope or the computer in 2001.

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.

When the Academy called, I panicked. I thought they might want their Oscars back and the pawn shop has been out of business for awhile. (Oscar 2002)

It makes up for the strip search. (Oscar 2002)

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