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My name is B.J. I struggle with cutting daily, it didn't become clear to me until this week that I had a serious problem with cutting. I feel that I want to stop cutting but I don't know how, all I hear from everyone around me is that it is not normal and that I need to stop. I know the pain that dwells inside better than anyone, I feel when I cut for the moment the pain is gone and that I need that release in order to exist. I know those who know me do not understand my horror and pain that I live with day to day. I have accepted this is who I am a cutter and I try to stop, but I can't always do it, please don't judge me for things you know nothing about.Society has this expectation and standard that they want us to live up to and we fall short and the cycles goes on and on "why, because society does not understand us, what we face inside. I have created this site so those who cut know you have a haven to come to to share your thoughts, know someone else feels as you do. You are not alone nor am I so hang in there and hope that tomorrow you won't hope to look down at your arms and watch the blood pour, feel your pain. I don't want you to feel you are different and society says you are the strange one, you need to go to a hospital if you cut, you are not different society has failed to open their small minds to see I am different in one aspect I cut and you do not understand that in my mind it is okay to cut because you have hurt my feelings and or made me angry. I can not tell you how I feel so this is what I do with those feelings, I cut, this is who I am and I hope you can accept me for who I am until I can find another way to heal the wounds within, cope with daily life without cutting.I do not like to see staples and stitches on my arms and legs, deep cuts that I have to hide, I know they are there and why.I sometime feel sick that I have to resort to this but this is all I know for now, am trying to find new ways to change this behavior. I would like to thank my friends who has stood by me as I have worked to heal and they are Eric, Jan, Paul, Pam Rodgers and Freda. Thank you for being supportive and not judging me. There are times I want to give up but I knew I had to travel on this journey. My unique friends gave me the strength to search for a better way to deal with life and all of it's struggles, I owe my growth to those who have stood by me through the darkest times as I was learning a better way to deal with the challenges life had to offer.
Myself, A Woman
As I see myself.... A woman
So many times I've seen her face,
So many times I've touched her body,
At times I have admired her courage,
Though just as often I've seen her weakness,
I have selfishly loved her,
Yet still I hate her,
I have made her cry, yet I have felt her tears...
I have touched her pain...
I have made her hurt, yet I watched her soul slowly die,
Her Life I nearly destroyed so many times...
I wanted to end her suffering,
Yet it comes like a raging storm....
So many times I wanted to give her peace,
Yet she carries the cross on her back,
I have wanted to protect her from the pain she lives with,
Though still must I ask... Who is she?
As I see myself.... A woman,
Still I do not know her...
Betty Jean Hardy
11-15 2002
Underneath The Surface
I can't cope with life unless I start to bleed
the problem's and the cure are merged into one,
I hate the struggles that I go through day to day
it never ends,
cutting up in desperation,my life has become
what I deeply hate,
I can't give up my quest today and wish it would go away,
I used a razor and start to slash, now that I want to stop
I can't, I've worked so hard to let go of my
self- destrictive crime,
society says it's wrong, but whose the one to say?
It takes away the pain and hurt, so I don't have
to cry deep into the night...
What terrible things I do to myself when
life hurts my feelings and lets me down,
A razor will take the pain away with a easy cut,
as the blood flows down my arms,
I find relief for a brief moment...
A feeling only I know far too well,
all the traces of the pain, it never ends...
My cutting has become a shadow inside of me
that knows when I need a friend my razor will never fail me...
Betty Jean Hardy 2-15-03 |
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