Hip-joined or hooking up?

By Cheryl Wetzstein

THE WASHINGTON TIMES July 27, 2001
http://www.washtimes.com/culture/20010727-43721290.htm

"The walk of shame." "Friends with benefits." "The talk." "Joined at the hip."
Parents may not recognize these phrases, but they are well known to their
college-age children who dwell in a brave new world of relationships on
campus, says a study released yesterday by the Independent Women's Forum (IWF).

Most women -- like their mothers before them -- go to college seeking their
"MRS" degrees, said the 18-month study, which involved interviews with 1,062
college women. But today's coeds no longer find a social norm on campus that
expects couples will meet, become friends, date and perhaps enter into a
serious and exclusive courtship.

Young women instead are thrown into a whirlwind world of coed dorms, drinking
parties and two kinds of sexual relationships, said the study, which was written
by University of Texas sociology professor Norval Glenn and Elizabeth Marquardt,
an associate scholar with the Institute for American Values.

One common kind of relationship is the "hookup": sexual activity without
commitment. Another common scenario is for a couple to become so entangled
with each other -- eating, sleeping, living together -- that they are
considered to be "joined at the hip."

Freshmen quickly learn the terminology associated with these relationships,
the study said.

"Friends with benefits" are people who are available for "hookups."
Lining up several friends with benefits may be considered "a booty call."

The "walk of shame" is the embarrassing early-morning exit a woman makes from
the dorm room of her latest hookup.

College campuses retain a double standard on sex, the study noted. Men who
hook up a lot are called "players," said Ms. Marquardt. "Women who hook up a
lot are called something unprintable."

"The talk" is what women initiate when they have hooked up with a man several
times and are desperate to know if they are now "in a relationship."
The talk is a risk because, with an average ratio of 79 men to 100 women on
campus, the man has the advantage. So, "when she asks, he decides," the study
found.

College women are both dazzled and baffled by this world of all-or-nothing
relationships, the authors said. But in the end, neither kind of relationship
is likely to lead to what college women say they really want -- an intelligent,
long-term, committed relationship that might lead to marriage.

The report suggested solutions: Recognize that young women aren't happy with
the all-or-nothing choice they find on campus, and that college men are
failing to take responsibility for dating.

It recommended that parents, college officials and social leaders realize
that the absence of "social norms, rituals and relationship milestones" in
the "courting and mating practices of the young" is a major social problem.

They also should take more leadership in helping to develop these norms,
rituals and pathways, the study said, adding that such things as coed dorms
"clearly help to facilitate the hookup culture."

At a Union Station event yesterday, IWF also introduced the study and its
new Web site for college students, www.SheThinks.org.

The IWF also featured Dr. Drew Pinsky, host of MTV's "Loveline," in a lively
but inconclusive discussion about campus relationships with 220 Capitol Hill
interns.

In a question-and-answer period with Dr. Pinsky, a young blonde woman
reported that the men she dated in college eventually would accuse her "of
stringing them along." This made dating difficult, she said.

Both one-night stands and too-close relationships are unhealthy, said
another female intern, who added that she would like to date. "But is dating
appealing to men?" she asked Dr. Pinsky.

"Yes, but it's not as appealing as having sex," replied the physician, who
is a married father of three.

Promiscuous sex is unhealthy, said Dr. Pinsky, adding that college women's
unhappiness over casual sex is "what I've been hearing over and over again."

What's not widely understood is that young men and young women have
different biological triggers for emotional intimacy, he explained.

Young women typically link intimacy to romantic or sexual encounters.
In contrast, he said, young men are fighting a "testosterone storm," which
overrides their triggers for intimacy.

The result is that young men are fully capable of having sex without an
emotional bond, he said. Men's capacity for emotional intimacy develops
as they mature and testosterone levels decrease. "We're not bad, we're
just lame," he said.

College women don't help themselves when they watch sexualized shows like
HBO's "Sex and the City," or read magazines like Cosmopolitan, said Dr. Pinsky.

The "sexually liberated" characters on "Sex and the City" are "pathetic,"
he said. "They're not liberated. They're sick."

College women should "stop complaining" and take more responsibility for
what is happening on campus, said Tracie Snitker, a 1997 college graduate.

"Ladies, restrict the sex and get the dinners," advised another female intern.

Comments from the men in the audience were equally divided.

"Hookups aren't always that bad. Maybe the dating scene just doesn't work
anymore and that's why no one does it," said one young man.

"Men are totally sexual animals. They don't turn it down," said another.

"Well, I'm a virgin and it hasn't killed me," a handsome male intern replied
as the audience erupted in cheers and laughter.

"I think women want the norm -- the dates and the ring. But I get passed over
all the time for the players," he said.

"You don't know what you're missing out on," he teased the women in the
audience. "I'll make you breakfast."