Pastor Edgar Mayer;
For more sermons and other
writings check out pastor’s homepage: http://www.lca.org.au/pastors/edgarmayer
Adultery In Your Heart
God says in the sixth
commandment – Exodus 20:14: “You
shall not commit adultery.” However,
it is estimated that between 60 to 75 percent of men at one time or another do commit exactly that – adultery. (I don’t
know the statistics for women.) Now
adultery can have many faces. An acquaintance of a marriage counselor came to
his office one evening announcing: “I’m thinking of having an affair.”
He didn’t have a particular woman in
mind but he was meeting a lot of women in his travels who
showed an interest in him. Why should he deprive himself?
Why indeed? I wonder how many
men and women are there who premeditate their next step and say to themselves: “I’m thinking of having an affair”? Are Christians among them, even Christians
in this church? Statistics suggest that in recent times there is an explosion
of unfaithfulness in marriage. Why? What are some possible reasons?
1. Monogamy is no longer a cultivated art. Men
and women are marrying later and at least outside of the church they have
already had many sexual partners. Getting all of a sudden used to one person alone
is something they find challenging. 2. According to some research marriage is increasingly marketed as being mostly
about friendship. So very little time is put into nurturing
an erotic life together which quickly leads to sexual boredom. 3.
Pornography is everywhere – especially
on the internet. Even on commercial TV it seems that women can barely keep
their clothes on. As a result, men are trained to see all women in a sexual
light, thereby vastly increasing the possibility that casual acquaintances will
lead to casual sex.
Adultery is on the increase. As
Christians we hopefully do not commit the sin in a premeditated way but we are
still in danger. Jesus warned in one of his sermons – Matthew 5:27-28: “You have already heard that it was
said, ‘Do not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman
lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Just looking at a man or a woman with
impure thoughts – lusting after that person – is as serious as having committed the act. And who among us is not
guilty of that?
Jesus’ warning that adultery
begins long before there may be any physical contact is worth keeping in our
heads. Let me give you a case study of a pastor who ended up in adultery (from John Sandford: Why some Christians
commit adultery,
At this point of time the
pastor has become drastically vulnerable to temptation – and greatly unaware.
He has been running solely on spiritual adrenalin, empty emotionally – and needing – oh, so deeply needing. Along comes the inevitable secretary (deaconess,
choir director, prayer group leader, whatever … ). His job demands that he communicate, if
only for details of scheduling and planning. But that little bit is more than
has ever been happening at home lately. He begins to share more than job
planning with the other woman – after all, they need to talk things out in
order to work in unity. He desperately needs someone to understand him. His
wife seems not to.
Actually, because she does so
fully understand, she has been nagging him to slow down. That, however, has
only convinced him that she doesn’t truly comprehend or appreciate the
importance of what he is doing. He feels as though she just doesn’t appreciate
the “holiness” of the call upon his life – she “ … doesn’t understand me.” He has become needlessly lonely and deprived.
If his sexual relationship with
his wife has not altogether ceased, he feels as if he is just going through the
motions of making love for physical release. Since he isn’t communicating with
her, not trusting her, nor meeting her at heart level, she somehow feels used. It has become increasingly
difficult for her to open to him, to give herself fully into him. That in turn
slays him emotionally, increasingly as demands continue to drain his already
exhausted emotional reserves.
Meanwhile the close association
with his co-worker has begun to stir strange emotions in his heart. It begins
to be almost undeniably refreshing and healing to spend time with this partner
in Christ. He begins to invent reasons to consult with her. His emotions come
to life again. He senses anew the pulses of romantic feelings which had long
been dormant. At first he projects them upon his wife and becomes a better
lover at home. His wife wonders at the change, her relief tinged with
apprehension. Before long he can’t help but identify romantic feelings towards
his co-worker.
Most likely she has been
undergoing the same kinds of changes in her relationships at home and towards
him. Whether she is married or not, she finds her association with this man
tremendously fulfilling. She calms her own rising fears about where this
relationship is headed. After all, she is merely standing by him as a dutiful
servant ought to, giving him the strength to carry on which no one else seems
to be doing, not even his wife.
The man of God may begin to
suspect that something is not quite right. On the other hand all he knows is
that it feels good and refreshing to be with his friend. When he examines his
motives, he discovers no desire
(as yet) to do anything sexual. To
friends or authorities who try to warn him – or his wife – he may protest that this is a purely
non-physical relationship, necessary to the furtherance of the Lord’s work. He
may even chastise those who warn, telling them that they just don’t understand
a true Christian friendship – and maybe have dirty minds and ought to repent.
As time progresses, so does the
relationship. Now he is fighting down distinctly romantic urges. He wants to do
special little things for her, like putting flowers on her desk and then
deriving a secret thrill from seeing her delight. He starts feeling like a
teenager. It feels so good to be coming alive again that if warning signals do
go off in his head, his heart is too thrilled to allow
him to listen. He knows that something is not right. He can’t figure out
exactly what is going on. He knows he ought to feel bad about what he is doing,
but he feels so good, he can’t make himself feel guilty. Besides, he tells
himself, he hasn’t actually done anything other than enjoy a few idle fancies.
Maybe Jesus’ saying comes to mind, that “ … everyone who looks on a woman to lust
for her has committed adultery with her already in his heart” (Matthew
Sooner or later, the couple is
thrown together in a situation where an opportunity for physical expression
presents itself. It usually happens at a convention or on a trip somewhere. He
may merely escort her to her room. But when he tries to give
her a perfunctory Christian hug, supressed feelings rise with surprising
intensity. Whatever circumstances may have provided the opportunity, the
two are gripped by forces they seem powerless to resist.
As servants of Jesus, both know
they ought to feel terribly guilty, and maybe guilt does assail them. But they
find it awesomely confusing that they feel so good. They had expected their sin
would leave them sick at heart and overwhelmed with remorse. Though they may
feel some guilt, what surprises them is that they don’t feel overwhelmed at
all. They feel sweetly cherished, in love, fulfilled, and inexplicably healthy.
Their love-making cannot
contain the fulness of God’s glory but the level of their communication has
opened their hearts to each other in ways and areas long closed to their own
mates. That thoroughly confuses them.
The couple then begins a
process of justifying what they have done. Perhaps, they reason, they never
really loved their own spouses. After all, they had been so young. Now they are
older and know their own minds better. This must be real love. If only they had
found each other first. Surely God must understand – and now their minds are
flooded with Scriptures about his grace and forgiveness.
At this point they might
determine to avoid ever getting into sex again. They vow abstinence. But their
bodies have learned how to please and excite each other. They can’t help
finding ways to get together again.
More confusing to the pastor is
that he discovers that not only has the spiritual presence of God not left him,
he has become a far more stimulating and powerful preacher. His own struggles
with guilt and fear, with self-hate and moments of grace, have prepared his
mind, through the suffering in his heart, to reach people where they really
are. This further confuses him.
Actually, God is pouring out
his grace in order to bring him to fulness of repentance. He, however, begins
to reason that maybe he is so much more effective and God is so much closer
because at last he has the right woman at his side, the one whom God must have
planned for him in the first place. He thinks his repentance has already been
full enough, because he has agonized for hours before God in the long hours of
the night, wrestling with confusions and guilts.
He may begin to entertain
thoughts of divorcing his wife and marrying this woman, all the while dreading the
moment when they will surely be discovered.
I stop here. I think that we
get the point. That’s how adultery happens most of the time for Christians. Like
that pastor we don’t usually premeditate betrayal but adultery creeps up on us.
Long before anything physical happens, we may commit
adultery with our eyes and even more dangerously with our hearts. Adultery
among Christians many a time begins with emotional adultery, the adultery of
the heart, that is: we let someone else take the position of
our spouse and receive from that person the emotional comfort, intimacy and
refreshment which are meant to come from our mate.
How do we avoid emotional
adultery? First, don’t
believe the lie that the new person in your life will fix all of the old
problems. If the pastor in the case study keeps working too hard and treats the
new person in his life like his former wife, then the same problems will
resurface again. Second, don’t
become isolated from your husband or wife. Talk to each
other. Share your lives with each other. Love each other. Third,
be aware of this thing called emotional
adultery and recognize the symptoms.
I list a few: For instance, the tendency to share
private, intimate matters with friends or a certain friend before having talked
it out with the spouse. Spending inordinate amounts of time
with one member of the opposite sex. Catching yourself
inventing unnecessary reasons for
doing so. Feeling youthful or “high” around one particular
person who is not your spouse. And so on.
A fourth way of avoiding emotional adultery is to find a small group of
Christians who will tell you the truth about yourself and give you words of
warnings when they see the danger signals.
Jesus said – Matthew 5:27-28: “ … anyone who
looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his
heart.” The words of Jesus teach us
that in the matter of adultery there is not much difference between looking and
doing. And it is the sad truth that in the case of emotional adultery the doing
usually follows the looking and more important feeling. Brothers and sisters in
Christ, watch what you feel about another person that is not your husband or
wife. In the end – unless you receive special grace – the heart cannot be denied.
I make another point and this
is now getting away from emotional adultery. In a non-Christian context, according
to one marriage counselor, men cheat primarily for one reason: they’re bored.
Their wives are a known quantity, and they want variety. Yet, according to the
same marriage counselor, married men are clueless when it comes to recognizing
how sexually attractive their wives are to other men. Moreover, according to
his research, this attraction is mutual. Just as men are attracted to your
wife, she is attracted to them as well, especially if they make her feel
desirable and womanly.
Why don’t husbands realize
this? A man whose attraction to his wife has waned thinks that the same is true
for all other men as well. But to other men, she is shiny, new, and unconquered.
Husbands are oblivious to how
enticing their wives are to other men for another reason: Most wives hide this
in an effort to protect their husband's ego. The net result is that the average
husband contemplating an affair is convinced that his own wife would never do
the same. He is the sexy and attractive one, not her.
Indeed, it comes as a shock to
most men that wives have affairs at all. According to one marriage counselor husbands
can be real idiots: They don't realize that what leads wives into the arms of
other men is a husband who never offers them affection or a hug.
So – apart from God’s command and wisdom – here is some common sense advice to the
husband who is thinking of straying or is getting bored at home. Become aware
of how attractive your wife is to other men and see whether this is not
renewing your interest in her. In other words, husbands and wives, never take
each other for granted. Your husband or wife is more special than you will every know. The gift of love and commitment and care and
beauty and excitement is fresh every day.
I close with the words of the
Bible – and as we hear them,
let us remember that God loves and wants to bless us with the best that heaven
has to offer – 1 Corinthians 6:18-20,
God says in the Bible: “Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a
person commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his
own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is
in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought
at a price. Therefore honour God with your body.” Amen.