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"The Bible, we've discovered, has a good use. I stay in a lot of hotels and you'll find that every hotel in the world, in the drawer, there's a bible there. And if you check out the paper in the bible, it's actually really soft paper! And, you know, it's really good for wiping your fucking ass if you run out of toilet paper. So there's one good use for the bible, as far as I'm concerned. I'm trying to think of a second good use for it, so get on our webpage and send in more ideas for using the bible. Maybe starting fires, there's a good one." - Yap (having just left the 'Evil Christian Store')

Good Uses For The Bible

Wiping your ass with when you run out of toilet paper - Yap
Starting fires - Yap
Fixing wobbly tables - Eddie
Skinning up with when you run out of rolling papers - Jay
I have found Bible paper makes very good rolling papers in those cases where a regular "Double Wide" won't be big enough. The paper is flexible, durable, and very thin, so the smoke is barely noticed. - Sam
You can use the pages of the Bible as greaseproof paper when baking, say, scones for instance. - Bec
Blowing your nose - James W
Wiping up after your girl wanks you off - James W
Fly swatter - James W
Paperweight / Doorstop - James W
Take the pages of the Bible, cut them into strips and use them to line the box you put the still beating heart of a child into (just for the sake of symbolism) - nefra
Rip the pages out, mold them into candle wax, make lotsa candles (it's a long book) and donate the home-made candles to your corner church. Then listen as they scream in horror when they realize what they are burning. - nefra
Papier Maché - nefra
Another good use for the bible would be a new style of rainmate. This is particularly useful in Scotland - Fiona N
Once hollowed out, a bible becomes a great place to hide things. No-one would open it so your valuables would be safe from harm. The Bible-Box may not, however, be safe from rampant bishops and such like. - Neil B
If you can collect a lot of them, about 500, it's actually possible to make your own fort, with draw bridge, moat, and everything! - Harvey
They also make for good food if you're feeling peckish and can't be bothered ordering room service. Just reach for the bedside drawer in your hotel room, and... - Harvey
Use the pages to put your chewing gum in when you're through. - Tom B
Throw the Bible out the window at door-to-door salesmen. - Tom B
Pillow (???-Jay) - Tom B
Easy Entry - The bible as a whole could stop the door from closing when you sneak up behind somebody who's going inside somewhere you are attempting to break into. (Not quite a doorstop. -Jay) - rhian
A substitute for paper towels. - rhian
You could always use the pages about satan for ransom letter's to the religious bitch across the street when you take her beloved cat (i've done it) - rhian
You can cut out the shape of whatever you want to hide (gun, pack of smokes, bong) on a few hundred of it's middle pages and you'll have the best hiding place ever!! This really works, trust me. - W. John S.
You can use them to stand on so that you can reach things that are high up..... - Bec
You can make acid tabs out of the bible! - Bryan Z
A mouse pad! I lost my mouse pad and used a bible! It was the best mouse pad I ever used! - Seth W
Well in the U.S. (where I'm from) we use the bible for cleaning up nasty cum! - C O'Connel
I think you could use the pages of the bible to exorcise a goat by feeding it the pages, 'cos you know how goats like paper and they have sorta satanic connections...!!!???? - ThaGr8KoRnDog
Sopping up vomit. - Jonah
You can use bible's pages as entertainment like: make a paper airplane, make a hat, make a paper boat... and many other things. If you're out of bibles then go buy the super mega plus catholic religion master bible. - Alex L
This may sound weird but I have done it... when you run out of paper to roll your weed with, the Bible's pages do an awesome job! Although, you do get a freaky buzz...but it is totally worth it! - Kim D
Get the full version with everything in it (the big motherfucker) and kill someone with it by dropping it on their head. I haven't tried this (yet) but it would probably work. It's quite ironic too. - Jamie A
Put under the brake pedal in (David) Beckham's car. - DaMoS
Something to use as kindling for arson - morgo
Target practice for toilet training pets/kids. - morgo
For models learning posture. - morgo
It works well as a coaster. - morgo
A better idea is that it's great ammunition for when those Jehovah's Witnesses call around. Try and get the corner in their eyes. - morgo
Bashing priests! Sodding bible bashers! See how they like it! - Paul C
Unfortunately you can't wipe your asre with the bible as you would get more shit on than off... but they make nice pillows if you're ever forced to go to church. - Jack 'Leytonstone Boy with a PURSE' Smokcum
What about: hollowing it out, filling with petrol and used as a petrol to kill 5IVE!! (somehow... you work it out!!)
Take out some of the pages, and replace them with porn. If you do this nobody will suspect a thing when they see the book next to your bed and if everybody does this staying in a hotel will be a lot more fun due to all the free porn hiding in the bible in the drawer. - Pul Wade (WAD)
Use it to beat the priests and ministers of this world into submission. - donseanio
With the book opened, an umbrella. - Dave S
The pages of the bible is good to pick up the dogshit that your beloved doggy leaves in the morning for you right on the carpet. - Bryan Z
Curing wobbly bookshelves. - James W
Footrest for guitarists who are sitting down. - James W
Extra weight for horseracing jockeys. - James W
Stocking filler. (???-Jay) - James W
Projectile to be thrown at Tony Blair. - James W
Cricket box, so yer knackers don't get crushed. - James W
If the pages are torn up and then put in a pillow case, bill's your grandad, a pillow. - Jade
Also for wiping sweat off your brow after a hard day in the pit.. - Jade
Tear up the pages, chuck the bits of paper and around and throw a parade! - Leatherface
I find that a good use for the Bible is for hitting people over the head. Many a time have I wandered out into the street to hit someone over the head with my Bible. AAh those were the days. - Gazz
If you think about it u could use the bible to stuff your bra!!!!! Or in the guy's case if you aren't very well equipped just shove em down your pants! We lady's won't know unless we go to give it a blow (hehehe) - rhian
Take one of those annoying damn street preachers, tie them up in a cold cell, strip them naked, and give them one papercut for every page of the bible until they finally bleed to death. - Bre Rose
Get a clear tube and fill it with pages from the bible. Then put a bee in it give it to a girl and say now you can pork god. - ?
You can stuff the pages down your girlfriends throat to gag her. Then use the empty cover to put over her face (if she is ugly) - woody
Shredded up, it provides cheap 'n easy bedding for hamsters and it can also be used to line cat's litter trays. Alternatively, eat in times of crisis. (!) - ??
Count Grishnak's fire lighters - James W & PD!!!
Fuel for burning tabloid journalists who won't jump from the top of the Centre Point. - James W & PD!!!
Sanitary towels - James W & PD!!!
A good use for the bible is to rip out the pages, chew them up and then throw them at the nearest ceiling to try and make them stick. But don't do this in your Religious Studies lesson like I did, the teacher won't be too pleased! (I can't think of a better place to do that! Maybe throwing them at the Religious Studies teacher... -Jay) - Jennifer
You could use the pages of the bible for wrapping up things when u move if the things are fragile. - rhian
Post a copy through your local church door. The bible should have been previously set on FIRE. Then use another copy of the bible to fan the flames as the old B@$ter|)$ try to put them out. - Chrisy
An alternative use for the so called good book would be to tear every page into 1 cm squares and use it as confetti at a friends wedding or even as kindling at a friends cremation - Steve
Another use for that god dammed book is to hollow it out, line it with tin foil and hey presto one very handy ash tray - Steven A
Cure for insomnia, just try reading the shite! - ??
You could cut out the middle, and it would make quite an attractive lunchbox... - Will Keen
You could actually read it so you could point out all of its pointless contradictions to the next badgering christian that strolls across your path - the lost cause
You could use the pages in the bible to make some nice paper mache so you can make a cool nativity scene just in time for xmas! - Brian Rose
I figure if you hollow it out you can hide your drug stash in it. That's what it was made for. If you ever read it it sounds like one big mushroom trip! - syco
It can make a pretty handy weapon (if people are easily beaten by a bunch of bullshit) - syco
To jack off on to when you're outta socks - Defiance Lost
I'm surprised no one has suggested luring out gideons yet... seemed an obvious choice - Bink
What about starting a cartel to replace all Argos catalogues with a copy of the new testament and see if anyone notices the difference? - Bink
I'm surprised no one has suggested luring out gideons yet... seemed an obvious choice - Bink
A note to students: the bible makes a very good projectile when the rent man appears for his money and you are already 3 weeks behind - Steven A
Cut out the paper and use it as Italian money - Dilip
Dress up as a fucking preist, take your bible and hollow it out, take your stash and carry it wherever the fuck you want to. No dumb bastard of a cop would ever think of checking a preist for drugs for fear of being mollested - Mark N
Instead of inserting my foot into some preaching dickheads ass to get him to shut up, I'm thinking I should try to shove the bible up there - it would probably be a tight fit and he would squeal a bit... but I wouldnt get my foot all shitty! - nicole
To chuck it at some lard ass pussy when he's pissing you off! - l7385
If u don't have a high char for a kid us the bible as a lifter - Fiveinfist
Keep a copy by the door, this way if any jehova's witnesses or christian aid workers pay you a visit you can twat them round the head with it, that'll get rid of little bastards! - Space Cookie
i was in scotland a few weeks ago, and we included some alternative TextParts to the bible and illustratet it with funny pictures of god, Jesus and the Devil, having some sex etc. ...the Extreme thing is, that we managed it somehow, to comment every part of the bible (i never read the whole book before...) - Robbatto
Bring it to your bands' next gig or practice, so when the drummer or bass player fucks up you can split them open with it. - jc - slipstream
Someone seems to have solved the excess bible situation by stickin em in every god damn hotel in the world, also id wish those people on the street would stop harassing me to go to god damn church! - Scott Murdoch
You can wrap up stuff with the paper say ummm phone boxes? - Brent
Wrap ure self in the paper. - Brent
Do what morgan lander does and collect the page 666 from every bible and put them on ure wall then the left over bibles make a good coffee table. - Brent
Take the fuck up of a book and shove down the back of your pants to protect you from dirty ass rapers. - BondageFreak
Well, the right way to use a Bible, for terroristic reasons, would be to hide a bomb in it, the good point is that just christians will touch it and get bombed. But if someone wants to use/touch it for one of the reasons above, then he/she died in the name of God. - FREAK
Ya know the bible bashers you see in places like Luton town centre? Well go over to them with an..ahem...ajusted bible and shove it either in there mouths or up there fucking arses!!! - ~Gem~
If you want a cigarett or a joint, you can roll it with the bible pages. To get a eve better efect you can use some glue to stick it together. It works like hell. - Audun Berg
You could carry around a bible with you, and try to convert people. If they finally do agree, give them the Bible and laugh in their stupid faces. - Alex Tronolone
Roll loadsa pages up and shove them up your girlfreinds arse. - Andrew Staniland
Don't wipe your arse with the bible - its demeaning to your anus. Why clean your arse with even more shit? - Steve Jones
It helps you to smack that bich(your last night fucking partner) out from your house. - [Panzai]

Thank you all for your contributions... We are now closing the suggestions for this page (we are up to our eyeballs in them at present - we've got another 40 to go up yet!) so please refrain from submitting any more!

We are also going to bring you the Top Ten Alternative Bible Uses sometime soon. We may even be so democratic as to let you guys vote on it!