>>>08.03.03
>>>currently listening to: comin' home by hum
it's been a long time since i last heard that song. it reminds me so much of summer '98. i can't believe that was already 5 years ago.
random thoughts
same date, 4:22 pm
weird dreams.
i took a nap a few hours ago, and i just had this really strange dream. i dreamed i just talked to neil in person and i already gave him my letter. i was asking him if he wanted to read the letter already or if he'll wait for april 26 'till he reads it [ as i originally planned ]. he was asking me what i wanted, and so i decided to just let him read the letter right there and then, in front of me. and for some reason, i gave him a soft copy of the file. he printed it out, and when i saw the copy, which was supposedly more than 2 pages long, it only had two sentences in it. i kept on telling him it wasn't the file, but he was insistent that it was, and when i sensed that he was getting irritated and impatient already, i just shut up. the next thing i knew, i was in my room, sulking because of the breakup. i kept on glancing at the wall where i hung a picture of this "ex-bestfriend" i have [ who i really really hate right now to the point that i've cut off all associations between us ] with other friends, taken from one of my birthday parties. it was a candid shot, and they were eating in one table. on the floor of my room were several piles of handouts from school.
the other night, i dreamed that someone dropped me off at the entrance to our subdivision, right there by the guardhouse. it was nighttime, and i was scared to walk all the way from the guardhouse to my house because i never did that before. i was clutching my bag and some shopping bags i was carrying, when i realized that each house i was passing by was owned by someone who was close to me. and each one of them just looked out the window and was calling and waving at me, some were even really happy that i was passing by their house. and it made me feel warm.
i just made vague hypotheses on what the dreams meant. i'm not really in the mood for dream analysis as of the moment.
depersonalized.
lianne is back to square one.
lianne has realized the value of being in a relationship and now is back in solitude.
lianne feels contented right now, despite all the changes going on around her. inside, she feels safe and secure. no apprehensions, no excess baggages. no anything.
--
one good thing about keeping a journal is that you get to keep track of the events of your life; you get to see your transitions in life. later on, you can read back and discover how and why one thing led to another, and realize that things aren't as complicated as you thought they are after all.
--
i remember sir hermida [ my philosophy teacher for one year; one of my favorite teachers in ateneo ] talking about happiness versus sadness. i guess he's right in saying nothing beats the feeling of melancholy, of overflowing with so much pain and suffering and sadness. on such occasions, you really feel you're human. you don't get the same impact when you're laughing an afternoon away with your friends. on such moments, you just get so much insight, so much feeling, so much humanity. and it's good. to add to that, it also adds a little drama to life. life would be a whole lot boring without the lows.
sorry for the weirdness and the very random thoughts.
>>>07.03.03
>>>song on the radio: i'm only human by whoever
>>>song on the mp3 player: angel by sarah mclachlan
neil told me before that auntie likes the song angel by sarah mclachlan and i promised him that i'll copy the song for her on cd. i guess i still would, despite everything that has happened. i called her up early yesterday, and neil texted me about it, but i didn't text back [ what was i supposed to say anyway? ]. and auntie called me up and asked me if we could still save the relationship. she really regrets the fact that we have broken up. she even told me that she talked to neil about it, and she told she feels that we could still work things out. i don't know if what she said actually got through him, i wouldn't really know because he hasn't contacted me yet since that one text he sent me yesterday. of course i still want to work things out if it's possible, but i really can't communicate with him until he's more open and honest, until he breaks down the wall he has been building around himself. and i don't know when that will be. in the meantime, i have graduation, preparation for law school, u.s. & hong kong and local trips to think about.
i just found out last night that nong, bennen, man. leiya and patrick have actually read the journal in my website. it never really occurred to me that anybody would seriously read my journal entries. it was a good thing i decided to edit it. i wouldn't want anyone to read all my deepest, innermost feelings. that would be scary.
to all of you who have nothing better to do than read my journals, hello. =)
>>>06.03.03
we have broken up.
my life is a telenovela. someday i'm going to transcribe it and submit to abs-cbn and probably earn a fortune.
neil doesn't want to compromise or to resolve his personal issues to be able to reestablish our relationship. and i am not surprised. i just wished that i shouldn't have initiated the 'cool-off' stage anymore and immediately proceeded to the last resort, which is the breakup. i was too stupid to think that we could've resolved things, that we could come to a compromise and still fix the relationship. stupid.
although it feels a bit liberating, and although the relationship taught me to become a better, stronger person, i still think i've wasted a year and 3 months of my life in the same way that i've wasted it on any best friend who i "broke up" with.
or maybe i'm just angry at the moment. soon, this will all pass and i will be back to my senses.
>>>03.03.03 [ nice.. ]
i was shaken this morning. literally.
at around 2 am this morning, i was forcing myself to wake up from a nightmare about sadako. [ harhar. ] when i woke up, i felt my bed shaking. great. i had to escape from something bad to face something worse. i was just thinking the whole time that it was bubbles who probably bumped my bed. i later on found out there was earthquake that time.
it's been a long time since an earthquake shook the country. and i think i was even the only one in the household who experienced it. everyone else was sound asleep.
>>>01.03.03
changes.
today is the unofficial first day of summer. [ unofficial, because we haven't even graduated yet ]classes ended yesterday, at almost the same time my college life ended. sometimes i feel that it was too fast, that i really didn't expect to end so quickly. there are times when i feel sad and regretful that i'm going to leave, that i need to leave, in the same way that i left high school. but then again, when i read my past journals and realize how much i've changed since first year, i realize that it hasn't been such a short period after all. reading my journals just gives me an uneasy feeling; you know that long feeling of waiting, when you've stayed at a particular place for such a long time that you're getting too uncomfortable and agitated already? sometimes i feel that way about college. i look at the campus and realize that it's the same place where i used to look out for my crush every single day in first year, it's the same place that used to give me a feeling of excitement and belongingness, as well as a feeling of nervousness and hesitation.
because of these conflicting feelings, i'm left in a neutral state. right now, i really don't feel anything. i'm just relieved that we're over and done with the papers, orals, thesis, group reports.. the fact that i'm also leaving regular pigging out sessions with my barkada at chocolate kiss, gayuma, world topps, thai in a box, encomium, mcdo, fazoli's (even in now defunct papa tom's, tiarong, boston tea house, giligan's island) hasn't gotten into my system yet.
- - -
yesterday, we had the psych conference in the morning. the seven best thesis groups which were chosen from different classes had to present their thesis in front of the whole psych population. our group, surprisingly, was chosen. they had to choose at least one from each class, and since we were actually the only group in ma'm alma dela cruz's class who regularly attends the class and consultation classes and passes requirements, apart from the fact that we have an interesting topic, we were picked. i'm glad we weren't in another class [ i'm glad we were the last to line up during reg., to think that i kept no complaining before ], because i'm sure our thesis won't be chosen if we were in a different class. our work will be overshadowed by the other groups' magnificent theses. anyway, there were four finalists from the seven groups, and from these four, the best thesis will be awarded. more surprisingly, we got it into the top 4. anya/vinci/janys' group was awarded best thesis, as expected. we all got a certificate and 300 pesos worth of gift certificates to national bookstore. hehehe. nice.
what was more strange than the fact that we made it as a finalist is that we're still not finished with the thesis. the night before, i was rereading the biblio, and i realized that there were some sources that we weren't able to put in! so we had to have it bound again, and we had to do a lot of adjustments, and we even had to look up the sources again in the lib/in the internet. and we thought all our kamalasans were over. of course it had to end with that. we had lunch at 2 pm with the others and vinci at chocolate kiss. vinci treated us dessert.
we stayed at the socsci tambayan [ our unofficial bench ] till past 6 pm. it was our last attempt to stalk our crushes. hehe. jenny was the only one who was able to see her crush anyway. we attended the heights seniors portfolio launch at colayco, and i had my copy signed by leo, justin and danicar. hehe.
then, we proceeded to pat's house with penny, weki, jenny, di, joan, cesar and justin. since i left my car at penny's house, we all rode weki's fx on our way to pat's house. we were all really noisy in the car, especially with cesar and justin around. tj also came. we had mongolian buffet again. we were reminiscing about everything from tj's narcolepsy to cesar's impersonation of our worst teachers. the harkada slept over, and the guys went home. it reminded me of the times when we would go to sta. lucia in first year college as a block. although the relationships in the block have changed, i realized that some of us, essentially, haven't changed.
---
currently, neil and i are in non-speaking terms. it all started last sunday when he walked out of the house when he caught us filming him when he was asleep. it brought up a lot of his personal issues, and i proposed to him that we won't talk for a while until he fixes his issues by himself. i really don't want to call it 'cool-off' because it sounds too threatening. for me, it's the sugarcoated version term for breaking up. last thursday night, we had another heated, senseless argument [ yes, amidst the thesis and major papers ] which i admit was my fault [ harhar ]. i was kind of hoping that we would meet in person one of these days to semi-close things formally and more personally, but because of that final argument, i don't think we will. he texted me yesterday, saying coldly and blatantly that he can't meet me on saturday. i didn't text back, and from that point on, i realized there's no turning back. no, i won't text, call him or go to his house anymore; i refuse to be the idealistic, romantic person i have become and just let my true self emerge. ever since, i've always been self-reliant and numb. now's the time to put that into practice.
strangely, i feel fine. i was thinking that i would probably succumb to depression one of these days because i'll miss him so much and my life will be totally empty and lacking without him. worst case scenario: i'd probably break down. but no. surprisingly, i actually feel liberated, contented and happy. i haven't texted him or called him up or even spent a minute or two in front of the phone waiting for it to ring. i didn't even have the conscious or subconscious urge to contact in him in any way. what's bad about this feeling is that i might be too comfortable in it that i wouldn't want to reestablish our relationship.. honestly, i don't even know what to the moment we're in speaking terms again. i feel that we'll still be dealing with the same issues that have been bogging us down for weeks already.
along with his issues, i've been thinking for the past weeks that we may click with trivial things, but when it comes to major concerns, we just couldn't connect.
so there.
---
- things i want to do for this summer:
- 1. go to hong kong/gimmick with my friends
- 2. go to the states?
- 3. take up photography classes
- 4. go to the gym regularly
- 5. attend a retreat
it's really sad that i wasn't able to make the most out of the past summers, that's why i'm squeezing everything in the next few months.
---
i'm going to miss: hermida's wisecracks, even sir 'holy smokes' manaloto as he tries really hard to amuse the class, eating out during breaks at some restaurant, hanging out at the socsci benches, cramming for papers, watching narcoleptic people in class, looking out for my crushes, uncontrollable laughter, free cuts, wearing my id, eating taho and dirty ice cream, looking for a parking space, unexpectedly seeing people i haven't seen in a long time around the campus, group meetings, long days...
psycho song playing on the radio.
i think i'll go and read the law books pa bought me. or maybe not. - L i a N N e -
>>>27.02.03 [ pm ]
currently listening to: 'there she goes' by sixpence none the richer
2 more papers and 1 presentation, 19 more hours to go, and it's good bye ateneo college. goodbye college life for good.
it has been a quick and colorful journey.
yesterday, we ate at kublai's with jenny, weki, penny, vinci and balcy. they had this promo - they give 50% discount off the buffet for students. why didn't we discover this a little sooner? now we only have a few more days to take advantage of it.
in the pm, we watched 'daredevil' at sta. lucia with jenny, penny and vinci, as if it's not finals week.
so, today, i didn't have any scheduled exams, but i came to school anyway because we had to have our thesis bound. di and i went to UP to have it bound. then, we went back to school and met the others. di and i went to gayuma since the others had to fix their theses also.
>>>27.02.03 [ am ]
it's the second to the last day of school. yes, i'm finally wrapping up my college life. and i can't seem to feel that it's going to end because of all the schoolwork. i just had to make time for this.
neil and i have been going through some major problems lately. it all started last sunday, when he unexpectedly walked out of my house upon catching me, jenny and weki videotaping him while he was asleep. i knew he was downright sensitive way before, but i didn't know that he would get mad because of that. things got really more complicated when we talked about it. i proposed to him that we spend a week or two apart. we haven't finalized things yet. he said he was going to call me last night, but he didn't. i didn't even receive a text message from him. argh.. i really don't want to succumb to forgetting him, because once i start to forget him, i'm never going to recover and reestablish my connection with him. i know for a fact (based on experience) that is true.
>>>24.02.03
i'm presently suffering from low self-esteem. don't ask why.
summer update: we only have only 3 more college days. time flies.
>>>20.02.03
hindsight.
the best year i've had in my life thus far is the year 2001.
yes, it's the same thing i said about the year 1998 or the year 1996. it's the kind of year which i could look back on after a few years and objectively declare that it was, indeed, a good year. 2002's fun, but a little too turbulent; 2000 is a very depressive stage and is actually correlated with some people and events i wouldn't want to remember; 1999 is all about adjusting and pretense.. 2001's probably the most dominant year in my whole college life. it just occurred to me yesterday.
can i just delete the year 2000 from my life????
>>>17.02.03
my suspicion last friday was, unfortunately, true. before class, there was this group of students who sang me the song 'forevermore'. agh. jenny and penny even caught the whole thing on videocam, and peter, penny's friend [ who was my other friend { also named penny }'s date in high school ] was joining the group in singing. hehe. the class hasn't started yet, and some of my guy classmates, out of curiosity, kept on peeking from the classroom, holding back their laughs. and some weren't even doing it very well. even janice was teasing me. there were also a lot of students passing by that area 'cause our classroom was near the ctc stairs. so probably the whole thing was sweet and thoughtful, and i'm happy in a way that neil did that, but i can't deny the fact that it was really embarrassing. it's one of those things i can look back on and laugh at. good thing we only have 3 more theo sessions; everyone will probably forget about it when we graduate.
they will, won't they?
>>>16.02.03
>>>time just flies.
the first one was taken in 1999, when i went to US for vacation. she still lets me carry her before. of course, she can't protest back then. the second was taken earlier, at jena's 4th birthday party which was helt at club filipino. look how primitive we were four years ago.
>>>14.02.03
here i am, finishing off the theology pre-finals exam on the second to the last stretch of hell week.
what is the relevance of the canonical gospel accounts for 'friends of jesus'?
eh?
happy valentine's day to me.
yesterday, we were asked to bring our favorite toys for counseling class. i brought with me this mickey mouse stuffed toy i got from patti's room to represent the tattered mickey mouse rag doll [ which i'm suspecting could be fake ] i used to treasure as a child. i placed it in a paper bag and left it in one corner of my room. last night, ma suddenly interrupted me while i was watching my favorite telenovela, and she was clutching the mickey mouse stuffed toy with a suspicious grin on her face. she goes, 'this is from neil 'no?'. DUH. no ma, it's a relic from patti's not so distant childhood.
i think neil's going to surprise me later. 1. he asked if he could meet me at 2:20, 10 minutes before my class. weird. 2. he was asking me where my classroom was. agh. i just have to prepare myself for whatever's going to happen. i told jenny to meet me earlier so at least she and whoever's at the socsci bench will share my humiliation. hehe.
>>>10.02.03
i already met man.val and family yesterday. they arrived here from the states last friday. we ate at spring deer for lunch and then ate at pizzeria in libis for dinner. i had to squeeze in my theo papers between eating out. after all these is over, i'm going to show them the best malls in the country.
they were with manong raf's sister and mom, by the way. i hope they weren't culture-shocked with the filipino ways. if i were given the opportunity to create an official catchphrase for tourists in the country that will more or less prepare them for what they're about to experience, here's what i'll write:
hours of traffic, reckless drivers, text messaging, pirated cd's, crowded malls, the sex bomb dancers, personality politics, lots and lots of food, tiangges, paconyo kids, the jolog subculture.
welcome to the philippines.
* * *
i've been getting mixed emotions lately. there's pressure caused by hell week/s and deadlines; a combination of nervousness, anticipation and a bit of excitement for the ateneo law exam results; happiness that some of our relatives from the states are here; enjoyment with the harkadah in our last weeks in the ateneo; a sense of sadness knowing that the school year's about to end; contentment with my relationship with neil; reminiscing about the last days before my high school graduation.. i think all these emotions were manifested in a dream i had last saturday [ we were tasked in counseling to reflect on any dream, by the way, and i'm going to write about that particular dream ].
>>>09.02.03
i am so glad it's over.
right now, i'm not worrying yet whether i passed the ateneo law exam or not. i'm just happy i've got that big burden off my back already. i'm happy that i was able to finish everything and i was able to answer all questions. it was comparably better than the u.p. exam. i won't say it was easy, but it was definitely shorter and more reasonable. in the u.p. exam, i guessed in a lot of questions.. i'm glad also that i didn't study much for it, 'cause i would be wasting my time. most of the analysis will have to be performed right there and then, and it would be measured on how well you can analyze on the spot, and not so much on what you've studied.
i got to the testing site at 7 am. my exam won't begin until 7:45, so i decided to go to mcdo first and get something to eat. i was feeling bees in my stomach again, the same feeling i get whenever i take an entrance exam. i went back to the law school, and i saw jimbo, that guy from u.p. who i also saw before when i got the application form. i sat there, by the chapel, on one of the benches. suddenly, i saw peterson, and he was in a long-sleeved polo. i called his attention, and asked him why he was there. he told me that he was going to be one of the proctors. o k a y. anyway, i decided to go upstairs, and i saw max, di's high school friend. i stayed with him before the exam. i saw ma'm tarroja and greeted her; 'turned out she was also going to be a proctor in the exam. when we were assigned our rooms, i found out that we had ma'm tarroja as proctor, which made me feel a bit more comfortable. i was in the same room with jimbo and some ateneans i don't know the names of. the first test was ok, and i thought everything was going smoothly, until i got to the second part. we had a 10 minute break after that. after one more part, the exam was over. since there were a lot of people using the elevator, jimbo and i just used the stairs on our way out of the building. he was bad trip 'cause he wasn't able to answer one whole part, and he was forced to guess in some questions. he went to get a taxi and i went to powerplant. but i went back to ask about the release of the results. when i got to powerplant, i shopped to my heart's content. i expended around 2 thou for buying shirts.
for some reason, i'm so happy about the exam.. i don't know if i did well, but i'm optimistically hoping that i did. i have no idea if i passed or not, i'm just glad i'm over and done with it already so i can start with ALL my homeworks..
neil and i ate at little asia for lunch, then went to de los santos to pick up her aunt. he drove me home afterwards.
=D
- L i a N N e -
weird.. i'm listening to shiver by coldplay [ which became popular in 2001 ] but i'm remembering my last days in miriam high school...
>>>03.02.03
>>>detachment
>>>currently listening to: 'clumsy' by our lady peace
detachment
is always the best solution
and lamest excuse
for not getting hurt.
i'm an escapist. so sue me.