welcome to my better, more interactive journal.

02.06.01

2:05 am

approximately 5 hours ago, we arrived at the airport from the states. needless to say, i have jet lag again, so i don't feel like sleeping right now. (apart from the fact that my room's a friggin mess, with all the clothes i've bought scattered all over the place)

i get all this nostalgic feeling inside. like i've been here before.

eerily, i think i have. this feeling reminds me of summer '99 & '98.

i can't wait to see bianca and patti again tomorrow.

listening to: october by collapsis. funny, i can't remember when that song was aired on NU.

i kinda like this 'i'm glad to be home, i love my family, i'm so happy with my experience (and with everything i bought), i don't care about anything else particularly school and other problems' feeling.

and i have to savor it while it lasts. i know sooner or later i'll be bothered again by the same worries that have been haunting me for years or months. it's like being in the states shifted my attention to somewhere else and somehow moved me, literally and figuratively away from my problems.

it's just nice to be back home. but i miss being in maryland also.

03.06.01

i'll be going to school 10 days from now, enrolling as a junior 4 days from now.

my whole body's aching, thanks to all those bags we carried all the way home.

'guess i have to sleep now before this jet lag gets the better of me.

04.06.01

1:17 am

i just realized that there isn't anyone i can connect better with than with my high school friends.

awhile ago, nirvana and jenny called me up. well it's nice to be wanted once in a while. hehe. for the past weeks it was only neil who tried to contact me.

and jonel wrote me from germany, by the way. hehe. i still feel bad about not being able to talk to him before he left. i was supposed to call him right before he leaves the house for the airport at a particular time, but my watch was a few hours late. when i called him up, he already left. darn watch for breaking down on such a crucial time.

at this point, i'm in the 'who cares if i don't have a boyfriend' phase, the phase in which i'm still very happy with the past vacation and with my family and friends, the phase in which everything's still relatively sane and just so nice.

i'm still trying to find direction in my life, trying to find what i really want and what i can do to get what i want and to overcome whatever insecurity or excess baggage i still have within me.

well, everything's back to normal. patti's getting extremely makulit again (hehe), the house is packed with food again, texting has become a habit once again.

new school year's resolutions:

never again display neurotic symptoms. no more insecurities, no more extreme hard core music that don't seem to have any sense at all, no more devoting my whole life to things that don't matter, no more stupid stupid moments.

07.06.01

11:34 a.m.

awhile ago, we had the reg. needless to say, i was harrassed the whole day. all our classes are piled up on tuesdays and thursdays, and i only have one subject on mondays and wednesdays. there was one time when i had to run in my 2 inch platforms with jenny from the berchmans to the psych dept. 'cause we forgot to have our reg. forms signed. we were also the last batches to sign up for theology and philosophy, within the batches, we were the last sub-batch, then in philo, we had to wait until the free for all time unless we wanted to sign up for a 7:30 class. then we decided to do the following steps already so as to save us energy for the following day, and we had to line up several times, and it was pouring hard outside. oh well. well, at least we're classmates in most subjects and i guess we got good teachers anyway.

we ate at fazoli's, and it all seemed weird not having jonel around. we were joking that my driver's currently on vacation in europe. ehe.

just a thought. i just realized that i don't want a boyfriend at all, after all. and i don't want to have one even if i have the chance to even if the guy is not my type just to go with the flow, because all my friends have partners, just to show everyone else that i can snag a guy also (who's better looking than any boyfriend anyone in my barkada has ever had). i think i'll just be contented to know if a really ok guy likes me.

maybe commitment just scares me. yeah. it does.

jade called me up earlier, and she said that she and marcus are going steady already. that's nice; and it would help her get over and forget about blue entirely.

i like this feeling of not depending on anything to keep me happy, of being secure, of being completely stable in all aspects and not affected by external events. i guess reading the book 7 habits of highly effective people made an impact on me after all.

the US trip also made me realize a lot of things. it made me see things differently for some reason, and now, all my problems and worries seem too trivial to even spend time and energy on. it made me realize that there are a lot bigger problems in life i have to deal with, or anyone else has to deal with.

currently listening to: space between by dave matthews band. i have this whole playlist of songs that have been popular here and in the states for the past summer. thanks to technology, i don't have to rely on radio stations to play my favorite songs for me to record them. all i have to do is search for the songs i can immediately compile my own cd. the thing is, some of them appear to be corrupted. i can't believe dave matthews band is actually playing in new york this june. argh. if it was may, i'd definitely go there. even if we lived 4 hours away.

i have to go to sleep now. 'had an exhausting day. besides, i have to go to school tom. 'cause i wasn't able to pay my tuition fee awhile ago.

09.06.01

7:22 am

i don't know if this is still the effect of jet lag, or i just got used to waking up really early because i woke up early for the past two days. nice. kinda prepares me for school, which starts in a few days.

yesterday, i went to school. i kinda regret not being able to make it to the orsem committee (what'll i do, postpone my US trip?). but then i realized there are still a lot of opportunities out there, maybe i just have to look.

nothing beats the feeling of being high knowing that i don't really need or want a guy after all. it's better than knowing someone likes you. it's just so nice, so... secure. i've never felt this secure about myself since i made it to the dean's list. of not depending on anything else to keep me happy. hay. i just hope this feeling persists.

- l i a n n e -

17.06.01

it's been quite a long time before i was able to write here again.

if you ask me what's been up lately, well, nothing much.. except that i lost a few pounds then gained some again, i've re-established friendships with the harkadah & other schoolmates (high school and grade school) once again, i'm classmates with my past major crushes and some people i don't even want to deal with in some classes, and just a few minutes ago, i've joined a stampede in SM as everyone ran for his life because of a "bomb threat"/"terrorist".

my first three days of school turned out ok. needless to say, we had a quiz already. one of our teacher's a terror (dacanay). we had no choice, so we were left with him. but he seems ok anyway, like one of those legendary teachers you'd wish was a part of your life somehow. i just hope i meet his expectations and get a good grade in that subj.

as expected, the whole campus was hoarded by freshmen people, some of which i recognize from high school. it's funny how they try to look more mature, trying hard to look the part of moving in transition from high school to college. yeesh. when i look at it now, it's all so pretentious. i get irritated whenever my batchmates would force themselves to 'change' by wearing clothes they never dared to wear back in high school or doing things they never attempted to do back in high school. i think maturity is more than what can be seen outside, i think it's becoming more open with different ideas, but still holding on to your own principles. you don't get mature by smoking pot because everyone else in your bench does.

our theo teacher's an old priest. it's a nice class actually, since most of the blockmates i'm close with are in that class also. (the whole harkadah, minus jonel of course, yes, including dean, well, except neil and leo, penny [adopted harkadah. hehe.], cesar, carrie [neil's friend i've known since first year].

during our break, we ate at fazoli's, and jonel's name just kept on popping up in almost every topic. it was nice being wtih them once again. the whole harkadah was there (with penny and joan) except for deaneil.

philo class was scary. our teacher was really good, but there were 110 of us in class. which would make it hard to answer in orals. we were even seated alphabetically, so i can't sit with jenny/robbie.

i saw sir mendoza last thurs. (fyi, he used to be nong's barkada back in victoria hs. and they still keep in touch.), and i told him about it. he just kept laughing, probably getting all nostalgic trying to remember all those times they've broken the rules. in a few years, we'll be like that also.

it was nice hanging out with the harkadah again. too bad jonel's not with us anymore. last thurs., we even went to shangri-la. we had a 4 hour break, but it might be changed 'cause we might move our class to an earlier one.

yesterday, we went to coconut palace with man.leiya's friends who are really nice. the place is great.

it's father's day today, and we ate at casino espanol earlier. we just ate there yesterday.

so what's with the whole bomb threat thing? well, awhile ago, i was looking for a nice jean skirt in SM with man. leiya but we can't seem to find any. we stopped by at giordano and man.leiya tried on some shirts. remember true faith was playing downstairs, but they stopped after a few songs. we were peacefully walking out of the shop, i noticed some people running towards one direction, and we figured they were probably following true faith or something. then, i noticed that everyone was running towards different directions, more importantly, they were going for the exits. they were actually running, so man.leiya and i ran also, without knowing why, pushing other people and finding the door through the stampede. it was a freaky experience, i felt like i just wanted to get out of there alive. we heard some noise downstairs (probably explains why some people presumed they were gunshots). and we even kept on laughing as we got outside. the car was parked at the other exit, so we had to walk around halfway around the mall to get to the car. we even asked this lady what happened, she wasn't sure either there was a bomb threat or someone came in armed.

damn this country. you can't even go to the mall without feeling all nervous & insecure.

or that might be a sign, telling me to stop with this clothes fetish already. or telling me not to wear a skirt at all. harhar.

last thursday, i actually fought with a guard. we used to park at this space in bell, and we never got caught. we all used to think that parking there was legal. i parked there last thurs., and afterwards, i asked the guard if it was ok to park there. he wasn't giving me straight to the point answers, all he said was i should know, blah blah blah, so i guess it was ok. when i returned, there was ticket on my windshield. of course i felt really bad and i wanted to kill the guard right there and then, being given a ticket on the second day of school. robbie, as usual, told me that he'd take care of everything, so he went to him and talked to him or argued with him or whatever. he came back unsuccessful and irritated, and told me that i shouldn't bother talking to him 'cause he won't take back the ticket anyway. nevertheless, i risked it, went down the car, and talked to him. the words just kept flowing out, i wasn't dumbfounded, and although i was a bit trembling, i was able to tell him everything i wanted to say and said so in an authoritative manner. and guess what? he took back the ticket. the whole situation surprised me because on normal situations, i would've ran off or my lack of confidence would've surfaced and he would win the 'battle'. but nooooo, i convinced him, and it felt good. really really good.

i don't know when my next neurotic attack will be (of course i'm exaggerating), but as of now, i'm enjoying the current phase i'm in. very neutral, very sane. i don't overreact anymore when my crush/es or past crush/es is/are in the same class or hall i'm in, i don't depend anymore on some people for security, and i'm very happy in whatever situation i'm in. when i get to school, when i get home.. every moment seems so... normal. it's more of contented and grudge-free happy. and now i even surprise myself for doing things i wasn't able to do before. i don't feel bad anymore about other people 'getting ahead of me', i smile at every situation, i read the bible almost everyday, i want to read all that i can, and i just want to be successful in everything.

- l i a n n e -

30.06.01

my life is not tele novela, it's more of a comedy sitcom to the like of malcolm in the middle.

yesterday, we didn't have classes, so the harkadah and i (well, technically, robbie and i)planned this night gimmick for last thursday. it's always the two of us who plan things anyway, and it's always the two of us who come up with means on how to make the whole gimmick possible. anyway, we informed everyone (di, dean, neil, leo, jenny, even penny) about it. dean & neil were game, as they always are, di was also. when thursday came, di ended up going with bj, carlo went with us, and we ended up moving from one place to another because we were a bit bad trip about things, and there was no one else out 'cause it was a thursday night. point is, the whole evening turned out to be a drag. well, not really. times like this i never actually forget because they add humor to my life.

erika and i talked about the single issue. 'turns out we're the only ones who never had a boyfriend ever within the mongoloid society. well at least she's got a guy. i guess we perfectly understand each other. she told me that her feelings also fluctuate, that sometimes she feels satisfied without a guy and sometimes she feels extremely low because she doesn't. i oftentimes feel fine with the whole situation, especially now that i've got school, orgs, friends, my family to keep me busy. thing is, i sometimes just feel bad that everyone else around me has a partner and it sort of makes me a deviant in a way. and that i can't even talk to them without fully empathizing with them, because i don't have any idea what they're talking about, and it makes me seem all immature when i try and give them advice. (that's what erika also said)

favorite movie: shrek. hehe.

i should be studying now.

- l i a n n e -

16.07.01

for the first time in my entire college life, i watched the UAAP game. and, we lost. as if that isn't expected yet. it was nice seeing 3 of my former/classmates now playing in the court.

i went with dean, and before getting in, we went with some of her friends from the baseball team. and they were really nice. the place was packed by the way. we thought we were gonna watch the whole game standing up.

'saw princes, patpat, and pat's friend, kc (the one who looks just like her, the one nirvana and i saw before in the la salle prom)

23.07.01

we had the batch night last saturday, and it was fun. i honestly enjoyed being with my blockmates, listening to the incubus-like ateneo band, talking again with people i haven't seen for a long time.

27.07.01

survival.

goal: not to lose my sanity

HELL WEEK every two weeks.

AN AVERAGE of 4 hour sleep per night.

COUPLES all around me.

all these and a whole lot of other things are what i have to go through every day of my life.

I DON'T KNOW if it has become an unconscious habit for me to put my close friends' boyfriends in danger. first, it was with jericho, nirvana's guy. now, it's joseph, joy's guy. it's a long complicated story, actually, but to sum it all up, i just mentioned something to joy that i presumed joseph told her about already, 'turned out he didn't, and she got really mad at him for not telling her.

but now they're ok and that's that.

i had a blooper earlier. better discuss about it next time when i can't feel the embarrassment anymore.

THINGS I HATE:
- getting the song with the chorus 'you're my darling angel' stuck in my head
- realizing that there are only 30 minutes until the time that there's only 1 hour until the bell rings
- teachers' pets who talk nonstop
- being treated like an invalid just 'cause you don't have a boyfriend
- blackout on stormy days/nights

things i love:
- old navy
- sleeping....

30.07.01

long time.

not that i haven't written much entries, it's just that it's been quite a long time already since i've written a long, detailed account of my life.

and not writing much on my journal, ironically, indicates that i'm living an eventful life.

31.07.01

why is it that everytime i put myself in front of the computer, i can't think of anything to write, whereas when i'm alone in the car contemplating through the traffic, i can come up with a whole litany of why living in the philippines still beats living abroad.

amidst the changing society and hell weeks, i'm still surviving.

we don't have classes today. which is nice, because i'm too exhausted to get out of the house after the theo long-test we went through last night. my neck still hurts 'cause of it.

man.leiya's in the states right now for their convention, and this is kind of a dry-run on how it will be like 6 months from now, when she leaves permanently for the states.

everything's pretty much quiet now... and it makes me sort of miss those days when i was 6 and my siblings and i would play for hours on the now outdated nintendo family computer.. or how we would all get together during days when classes are suspended. everything just seems so quiet and empty right now. i guess i was just used to living in a full house my whole life [well, i'm still living in a full house. but it's still different now]. i feel that i wasn't able to fully enjoy living with my siblings and that it's too early for me to be an only child [technically, i'm not, but since everyone else is hitched anyway, in man.leiya's case about to get hitched, that leaves me the only child left in the household].

[it's already 9:40 pm, i should be finishing off my homeworks now because i'll be coming home late tomorrow bec. we're watching the premiere of radyo (with rufa mae and EPI QUIZON) in school.]

yep, things have been quite lonely these days. i've joined orgs in school to be able to, in a way, find self-fulfillment, and well, expand my interests and circle of friends. each member of the brkada has his and/or her significant other so they all have something to keep them busy. no prospects for me yet, by the way. so what else is new?

why do nice girls get bad guys? it's such a simply put yet baffling question i've been asking myself for the past few days.

- l i a n n e -

07.08.01

jonel's back!

needless to say, my uncontrollable laugh sessions are back again. hehe.

yesterday, we ate at tiarong again (the new 'place to be') with jonel, robbie and penny.

my life as of now is becoming a trail of hell weeks, a (need i use the song title)'sick cycle carousel' as lifehouse would put it. it always comes to a point when i always feel that my life is going around in circles, and everytime i try to change this state of boredom/security, things become worse. like i'm attached to a particular area with a rubber band and whenever i try to move away from it, i get snapped back.

oh well. so what else is new?

08/07.01

i lost my wallet today.

21.08.01

long time.

my life has been turned into a roller coaster. well, technically, it's not actually MY life getting all perky, it's the people/events around it. as always.

approximately 5 days from now, i'm officially going to be an only child.

man.leiya decided, i think it was 2 weeks ago, that she's gonna marry 5 months earlier than the designated date, right there, in the states. she's still gonna push through with the jan. wedding, but the thing is, she'll get married there also, and she's gonna come home on december already. she's gonna get married on aug. 25, that's this weekend already.

of course the news shocked all of us, but we can't do anything about it, could we.

remember what i said about this (while she's away) being a dry run? little did i know this is actually the real thing. the bad thing is, all those days of bonding with her through shopping, talking, texting and all are really over. since she left for (supposedly) vacation, i've always thought that we're still gonna have a few months together. now i realize we won't have that anymore. and it makes me feel kinda sad of course..

and it's also scary. although i've always said that the day she gets married is the day i'll finally be treated as a young adult slash teenager (because she has been acting like a teenager for so long, like she's stuck in a time warp, and consequently, i'm treated like i don't grow old at all, and eversince i've been stuck in the most un-teeny bopper state), but it'll also be the day i'll get to sort of replace her. since i'll be the only unmarried daughter of my parents, all eyes will be on me. the pressure will be on me. number 1, i can't replace my sister in all aspects. i'm not that smart, i'm not that pretty, and i'm definitely not that perfect. opportunities and good things don't stick to me like magnet, in fact, even if i don't do anything, i attract disaster like flies on a flypaper. number 2, it's pressuring how everyone in my family has a partner but me!!! they're all married already, and i can't even work a fling out. that's pathetic.

nevertheless, ok, so i understand her, but i'm still trying to be happy for her. i talked to patrick also, by the way, and i talked to man.leiya about it. before, i would evade her calls and tell her i'm sleepy [liar. hehe.] but, i told her how i feel anyway. but of course as if there's still anything we could do to change their decision. i just asked her to talk to bianca. (she cried, bennen told me. hehe.)

* * *

this lack for a someone is just getting to my bones.

but i don't really think this "loneliness" stems from a lack of a special someone, a significant other, a friggin' boyfriend. i think it's the kababawans i just miss. all those shallow and senseless jokes i used to share with my barkada.

now, the people around me all have their partners as their priorities, and it's kind of sucky how they would be right beside you, but not really there in a sense because they're texting their partners. or how they would talk to each other about relationships and perfectly understand what the other is saying. and how they would shut up uncomfortably whenever you join in the conversation and ask in your most eager tone what they're talking about. or how they would, with their partners, call each other pet names (ew?) and tease each other in a pacute (sick) sort of way as if you're not even there. or how they would talk about love and mush and senti stuff and i would scoff at them and say 'yuck' the same way i used to when i was 10. or how i would just want to break free from them and go my own way, go to the library or something just to be alone, and prefer to be a loner than be surrounded by lovesick people. or how i would divert my attention somewhere else, like in schoolwork, and discover that i'm getting really low grades despite the kind of hardwork i put into my studies. or how everyone's leaving me one by one, as they embark on their lives together with their new partners. or how i'll glance at my cellfone several times a day and realize that no one texts me anymore.

i could go on and on and on and things would more or less be the same in a year or two.

i don't know, but this monotony of life just makes me want to get off this cycle. honestly. as i've said before, everytime i try to make things a little perky, or do a little something different, things go wrong.

22.08.01

my family life is better than my social life.

therefore, there must be something terribly wrong with me.

* * *

sometimes i complain about things i couldn't control, about things that i think have been pre-set for me that i can't do anything about. like the fact that opportunities don't approach me like they do with other people. and even if i tire myself of searching for them, i fail in my quests. it's like a hit or miss thing, and with me, it's always miss. and sometimes i even reach the point in which i complain to God, and i sometimes (ok, most of the time) feel like i've been deprived of a lot of things.

lately, there have been times when i felt down because of [guess what?] the fact that i don't have a guy. and then i suddenly found myself talking to this really nice guy who seemed to be interested in me. and i thought that he's gonna be the solution to all my current single problem.

until i woke up and realized that it was all a dream.

how many people do you know find their dreams more interesting than real life?

things right now that make my life a little exciting.
- when i get home, i see a box of oishimanju on the dinner table.
- watching pangako sayo. (seriously.)
- winning spider solitaire every once in a while.
- gathering enough guts to recite in class.
- eating. specifically food at tiarong, sisig at giligan's island..
- greeting people i haven't seen for quite some time
- laughing about some kababawan
- shopping for clothes!!! and discovering that really nice clothes fit me and actually look good on me.
- listening to old songs.
- speaking to my siblings in the states.
- saving money.

* * *

it's only now i get to wear sleeveless shirts.

i just realized that my porma/wardrobe totally SUCKED in high school. i remember going to every gimmick wearing a loose shirt and a loose pair of pants (jeans/khaki) and a pair of sneakers. it was always like that every time. add braces to that and really icky skin and messy fly away hair and an i-don't-care attitude. no wonder i didn't attract guys. i sorta scared them off. pathetic.

i don't know what stopped me before from being who i want to be. maybe 'cause everytime i try wearing something feminine i freak out when i see myself in the mirror 'cause it just didn't fit me? i think before, i wanted to be feminine also in a way, but i felt that i wasn't capable of being that way 'cause it just won't fit me, and i was just too ugly.

ARGH.

23.08.01

classes were suspended today. we had philo & expe, in the a.m., though. but the cog.psy. long-test didn't push through.

damn expe test. i can't believe i'd be that stupid not to follow instructions properly. i won't be able to be on the dean's list anymore this sem. i can just feel it in my veins.

'just scanned through my old journals. and it just hit me, don't i even have a happy experience that i would actually feel happy reading about??

conclusion: i'm an introvert. introverts tend to magnify negative reinforcements, while extraverts magnify positive reinforcements.

i don't know how the hell i'm gonna pick up my life from here. i've got low freakin' grades, i still have neurotic symptoms (but i'm not displaying neurosis anyway. from the outside, i'm as normal as everyone else. thank goodness.), and everything's jus turning 'round and 'round and 'round and 'round.

27.08.01

11:46 pm

life is short.

=(

i just went home from deutsche's place. pat texted me earlier that deutsche's transplant failed, and that now he's in bad shape, and he's in israel right now and he's too weak to come home to the philippines.

it just makes us all so sad thinking about the whole situation. i could still remember how happy and healthy he was, and how we believed that he was going to be fine because he looked way better than he did when he left for the states. or how lively he was when we went to antipolo last summer and when we all gathered as a block at mean's dad's wake. i can still remember how he made us laugh so hard, and how i used to tease him as chito miranda's clone (hehe) and how we made fun of walking m. together... how 10 people would squeeze in his car everytime we would go back to school from sta. lucia. or how we would be so noisy back then in fil class to the point that carlota francisco (our fil teacher back then) arranged the sitting arrangement to alphabetical order... he never showed the slightest hint that he was even sick at all.

it was just depressing to see his family crying over him and telling us what he's going through... we're going to miss him terribly... and it was too bad i wasn't able to talk to him earlier, his dad called him so we could talk to him, but he had a lot of friends there sand i didn't have the chance to talk to him 'cause everyone was waiting for his chance, until he finally told one of his friends that he wanted to go to sleep already 'cause he was tired. i'll try to call him tomorrow morning just to check how he's doing, and cheer him up a bit. i kinda felt guilty (i felt really guilty)for not replying to his icq message before, after he went through the transplant. actually, i did, then he sent another message, saying that he was so bored there and all, asking us how we are, but i didn't reply to his message, thinking that i can still contact him some other time, and i'm sure one of these days he's coming home anyway and i'm gonna see him again... but i was wrong.. i might actually never see him again... like what his dad said, the possibility that he can make it back home is very minimal... i really want to call him in the morning..

* * *

i just remembered, a week ago, auntie reming died. i don't know how exactly we're related to her, i just met her for the first time last summer, when we went to uncle stanley's house. but, she seemed really nice, and unlike other 70+ people, she still had a sharp memory. and i remember she told me to invite her when i get married. and i told her that would be a long way to go, since i don't even have (and never had) a boyfriend yet, and she kept on saying basta.. and all. and it just showed how much she was probably craving for companionship, and how she wanted to probably spend her days with her loved ones and not with some nurse she's not even close with. she even passed away while uncle stanley and his family are on vacation here in manila, and the only person with her that time was the russian nurse... it must have been hard on her.

* * *

lastly, after man.leiya left, and the whole house seemed (admittedly) empty without her, i kinda felt sad that she's leaving next year for good... the thought that she's gonna be home in a few weeks anyway and we still have approximately 4 months together sort of lifted my spirits. and then, a few weeks before her arrival, she told us that she's gonna marry patrick there. and i was shocked. and i was sort of left hanging, like i wasn't able to spend more time with her than i should have.

* * *

point is, everything, everyone's here temporarily, and the best i can do is to live my life to the fullest, and live everyday as if it's the last... to appreciate everything, to grab hold of everything i could, to make the most of acquaintances and friendships. 'cause everyone's here for a limited time. and opportunities don't come very often.

- l i a n n e -

28.08.01

schoolwork + orgwork + emotional distress + neurosis = a very harrassed life

i don't even have time to at least organize my life.

tomorrow, actually, i shouldn't have classes, since dacanay called off all his classes tomorrow (to make up for the talk we were required to attend two sundays ago), but we're meeting in the morning for our group project in experimental psych. tomorrow, there's supposed to be an ajma team building seminar from 4-6:30 (but i'm not attending that anyway), and at 6:30, we're gonna have a meeting for rotaract. i need to come up with project ideas (since i'm the vp) for the meeting tom. and i also have to contact people for ajma, for the toy/book drive, since i'm one of the co-heads for the proj. then, someone from the legal aid (from my other org, lex)called, and asked me if i could go this saturday to a sort of seminar given by lawyers, and i really want to go because it's gonna be relevant to what i'm gonna do ten years from now, but i have a philo oral exam on monday next week, an aiesec seminar on sunday morning, and i need to catch up on physio since we have a long test next week and our teacher walked out on us earlier and refused to discuss because she claimed we were too noisy. and cathy was asking me to find the files for the presentation man.leiya left off.

and now i have to read the journals and at least summarize what i've read for the expe paper this friday.

i talked to deutsche earlier, by the way, i called him up, and it was a good thing i caught him in a good state. he was telling me i called at a good time, 'cause he was feeling quite ok compared to yesterday, he was in extreme pain after some procedures. and he was saying like he loves us all, and we just kept on laughing and saying gago like we used to. hehe. and i was asking if he still looks like chito miranda, the parokya ni edgar lead singer, and he said no, 'cause he's too thin now, and chito's definitely more good-looking than he is now. and he said the only plane available for him to come home is a paper airplane (eh?). hehe. it didn't seem like he's even sick, except that his voice sounds somewhat weak.. but he still managed to crack up and make jokes. i'm really gonna miss him. =(

'also talked to man.leiya, she's in minnesota now with patrick. they sent us pictures from the wedding, by the way. benjo's so big now.

so you could just imagine all the emotional jargon i'm experiencing right now. well, it definitely beats playing spider solitaire for a whole hour without even winning.

- l i a n n e -

*i remember two weeks ago, we made this really funny video for cognitive psych which, i'm sure, would be stuck in our classmates' heads and would be the point of discussion in future alumni homecomings.

of course i'm exaggerating, but it's just so damn funny esp. with peterson, cesar and tj in it plus some 80's pinoy movies humor and some backstreet boys and there's something about mary spoof. and we were overwhelmed that everyone actually liked the presentation and kept telling us about it aftewards, and ma'm was so pleased with the presentation that she kept on laughing whenever she talks about it.

and last sunday, by the way, we had the rotaract induction. it turned out ok. i just realized that if i want to join or serve through rotaract, i should stop seeking the implications of that on my social life.

what social life?

- l i a n n e -

29.08.01

it's 9:52 pm. i should be studying or doing a hundred other things right now, and here i am, typing in my journal as i always do.

i don't want to die when i'm old and bitter and i'm all alone and everyone attending my funeral would be my ungrateful grandchildren being dragged by their parents and my children who have no other intent than to get the clan money.

i know i'm talking weird tonight, but who cares.

man.leiya sent some pics. benjo is really big right now. he's so cute. =)

bennen said man.leiya cooked adobo one time. i wonder how that tasted. she couldn't even get the recipe for ready-mix brownies right.

i'm actually thinking of NOT having my practicum in the states. for one, preparing for it would be all toxic, since i have to submit my resume early, ask for recommendations and stuff.. and it would be quite a hassle fixing my visa, in case i get a paying job. and i don't think i would want to commute everyday to work, and launder my clothes, and do stuff on my own. it's bad enough that i'm actually going to work, it's even worse to balance everything else (operational definition of everything else: bad weather, really icky dry skin because of the terrible weather, foreigners who would probably scrutinize my every move, the fact that it would probably be hard for me to find friends i could relate with in my practicum, unlike if i take practicum here, i would develop more friends here which i could still keep in touch with, i'll be leaving my cellfone, text, the wonders of technology behind, the opportunity to be with my college friends one last summer [eck, as if i even spend summer with them], no NU, no car privileges of course... need i go on?) with work. it's scary. and no one's gonna be left here at home. =\ oh well.

my life right now is relatively sane. it's not insane, it's relatively sane. and that's good. i'm able to equilibrize myself somehow and at least not break down.

currently listening to: crystal by new order. really catchy song.

and i guess i have to go now, i'm getting really sleepy. argh. i wasn't able to study for the philo orals again. i'm DEAD.

- l i a n n e -