Why sign up for counselling BEFORE you have a
problem? For the same reason you would take a course before attempting to
snowboard -- even if you already know how to ski. Counseling provides a cushy
pillow for the times you will fall down. And even great couples will.
Considering that somewhere in the vicinity of 40 percent of all first marriages
end in divorce, taking time to study the blueprints for the marriage structure
before breaking ground would seem wise.
For those alliances that were doomed from the beginning, there's the possibility to avert a divorce by avoiding an unrealistic marriage. And for those who will speed ahead, there will be the knowledge of the sticky places and some compromise already in place.
We require anyone who wishes to drive to take a course and pass the
exam. Yet we assume that emotional connections are instinctive and that having
children is easy enough to not need a manual or instruction. Are we nuts? Most
of us know about relationships from what we experience around us. For many that
is a chaotic or hurtful relationship that ended in disaster during childhood.
Pre-marital counselling explores the areas that are predictable crises in a
couple's life.
Here are some areas that any love-struck couple should want to discuss
and be clear about -- before setting up dates with the band and the caterer.
Goals
What are you hoping this marriage will bring? A friend? A sense of belonging?
Is it a family? Will you have kids? How many? How will you divide the time
between family and career?
Communication
How will you resolve an impasse? Do you know the other person's style of
communicating? Their stuck places? How is anger dealt with? What if one wants
to talk about the relationship and the other refuses? Whose job is it to keep
the lines open? If you get really bogged down - will you go for help?
Friends
Where do they fit in the scheme of your life? How much time will spend with
them? What about friends that the other dislikes? Are they welcome ? Boys'
night out, girls' night out? Confiding in friends, helping them out -- what are
the boundaries?
Money
What's the philosophy about money? Who decides where it is spent? Does each of
you have discretionary cash? What if there's a great job offer 2000 miles away?
How will you pay the bills and apportion the income? How much to save?
Sex
If there isn't enough of it, how will you deal with the feeling? Birth control?
Attractions to other people? What is sex becomes boring?
Kids
What is your philosophy around bringing up children? Punishment and
consequences? Who will care-take them? How many? What if there is a child who
has mental or physical problems?
Religion
Can you both respect each other's beliefs even if they are different? If there
are children, how will you deal with this issue? How will you handle your
respective families around religion? Do you have any opposing beliefs?
If this seems like an
exhausting task, think how tiring it is to run around to lawyers and fill out
separation papers. If you know the inner workings of the mind you plan to
snuggle up to for the rest of your life, there will be fewer surprises and more
time to enjoy each other's company.
Counselling provides a template for conflict resolution that can be drawn on
when needed. A couple that knows how to fight fairly and how to compromise is
going to have a head start on a couple that makes up the rules along the way.
You'd spend the time and money to ensure a satisfying Caribbean cruise -- why
not invest the same energy into a much more precious adventure?
Source: http://women.msn.com/relationships/articles/rhona_counseling.asp
Increasingly, I find myself beginning to place great importance on our more fundamental, and important, relationships – family and loved ones. It is very alarming that half of marriages today end in divorce. What has happened to the sacredness of the marriage institution? At any rate, I think this article (which was forwarded to me) suggests some very practical and good advice for those considering marriage. I especially liked how the author noted how me make more preparations for other things, but very little for marriage. Love is not blind… in marriage, everything is made known.