The Awakening
a personal journey
by Denise M. "Sonny" Carroll ©
1. The Awakening
2. Awakening and Acceptance
3. Awakening to Self-Love
used with
permission - Thank you! Please visit her website. (<--
not active yet, I will put the address in when she sends it to me)
The Awakening
There comes
a time in your life when you finally get it... When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries
out - ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world from a
new prospective.
This is your awakening.
You realize that it is time to stop hoping and waiting for something, or someone, to change...
or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon.
You come to terms with the fact that there aren't always fairytale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you.
So, you begin making your way through the "reality of today" rather than holding out for the
"promise of tomorrow." You realize that much of who you are, and the way you navigate through life is, in great part, a result of all the social conditioning
you've received over the course of a lifetime. And you begin to sift through all the
nonsense you were taught about:
- how you should look and how much you should weigh
- what you should wear and where you should shop
- where you should live or what type of car your should drive
- who you should sleep with and how you should behave
- who you should marry and why you should stay
Slowly you begin to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really believe in.
And you begin to discard the doctrines you have outgrown, or should never have practiced to begin with.
You accept the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are...
and that's OK... they are entitled to their own views and opinions.
And, you come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a
"perfect 10"... or a perfect human being for that matter...
and you stop trying to compete with the perfect image inside your head or agonizing over how you
"stack up." And, you make peace with the woman in the mirror and you learn to give her the same unconditional love and support you give so freely to others.
And, you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" hungry for your next fix...
a new dress, another pair of shoes... or looks of approval and admiration from family, friends or even strangers who pass by.
And you discover that "it is truly in giving that we receive"...
and that the joy and abundance you seek grows out of the giving.
And you recognize the importance of "creating" &
"contributing" rather than "obtaining" &
"accumulating."
And you begin to love and to honor yourself. And you stop engaging in self-destructive behavior including participating in dysfunctional relationships.
And you begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and taking more time to rest and exercise.
Then you learn about love and relationships... how to love, how much to give in love, when
to stop giving... and when to walk away.
And you allow only the hands of a lover who truly loves and respects you to glorify
you with his touch. You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say, intentionally or unintentionally and that not everyone will always come through..., and interestingly enough,
it's not always about you.
So, you stop lashing out and pointing fingers or looking to place blame for the things that were done to
you... or weren't done for you. And you learn to acknowledge and redirect the feelings of anger, jealousy and resentment you sometimes
feel... lest they suffocate your spirit and steal your soul.
You learn how to say I was wrong and to forgive people for their own human frailties and to build bridges instead of
walls... and you learn about the healing power of love as it is expressed through a kind word, a warm smile or a friendly gesture...
At the same time, you eliminate ANY relationships that are hurtful or fail to uplift and edify you.
And you stop working so hard at smoothing things over and setting your needs aside.
You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK and that it is your right to want or expect certain things.
And you learn the importance of communicating your needs. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that eventually martyrs are burned at the stake.
Then you learn to distinguish between guilt, and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to Say NO.
You learn that you don't know all the answers, it's not your job to save the world and that sometimes you just need to Let Go.
And, you learn to look at people as they really are and not as you would have them be and you are careful not to project your neediness or insecurities onto a relationship.
You learn that you will not be, more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the man on your arm or the child that bears your name.
You learn that just as people grow and change so it is with love and
relationships... and that not everyone can always love you the way you would want them to or live life just to suit your needs, ease your insecurities or meet
"your" standards and expectations.
And, you learn the difference between wanting and needing and you stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes.
And, you learn that "alone" does not mean "lonely" and you begin to discover the joy of spending time
"with yourself" and "on yourself."
You avoid Toxic people and conversations. And you stop wasting time and energy rehashing your situation with family and friends because
you've learned that talking about things doesn't change them. You learn
that wishing for something is different from working to make it happen.
And you begin to invest your time and energy to affect positive change. You take a personal inventory of the areas you need to improve in order to move ahead, you set your goals and map out a plan of action to see things through.
You learn that life isn't always fair and you don't always get what you think you deserve.
You stop personalizing every loss or disappointment. You learn to accept that sometimes bad things happen to good people and that these things are not an act of
God... but merely a random act of fate.
And you stop looking for guarantees because you've learned that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected...
and that whatever happens, you'll learn to handle it. And you learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time FEAR itself.
So you learn to step right into and through your fears because to give into fear is to give away the right to live life on your terms.
You learn that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophesy and you learn to go after what you want and not to squander your life living under a cloud of indecision or feelings of impending doom.
Then, YOU LEARN ABOUT MONEY... the personal power and independence it brings and the options it creates.
And you recognize the necessity to create your own personal wealth. Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never ever settle for less than your
heart's desire.
And you live with honor and integrity... because you know that these principles are not the outdated ideals of a by-gone era but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build your life.
And you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting and to stay open to every wonderful opportunity and exciting possibility.
Then you hang a wind chime outside your window to remind yourself what beauty there is in Simplicity.
Finally, with courage in your heart and with God by your side you take a stand, you TAKE a deep breath and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.
A word about the Power of Prayer: In some of my darkest, most painful and frightening hours, I have prayed not for the answers to my prayers or for material things but for my
"God" to help me find the strength, confidence and courage to persevere; to face each day and to do what I must do.
Remember this: "You are an expression of the almighty. The spirit of God resides within you and moves through you.
Open your heart, speak to that spirit and it will heal and empower you."
My "God" has never failed me.
by Denise M. "Sonny" Carroll ©
Awakening and Acceptance
Just call me Sonny. Sonny, a name I borrowed from "Sonny Liston" the fighter, the champion.
It was a name and an identity I chose to assume because to me it represented youth, strength, agility and
fearlessness... all things I felt I needed to be and not all the things I feared becoming; old, tired, weak, inept and afraid to face life.
Maybe if I played the role (Sonny) long enough, and well enough, I could get past my situation, I could turn my life around and I could still make it.
It's Monday morning, I wake to the sound of a garbage truck working its way up the street.
A wave of anxiety surges through my body. I can feel the surge as it courses up my legs, moves up my spine and bears down on my heart.
"It's time to wake up," scolds the voice inside my head. "The world is already busy at
work... while you are still lying here hiding in bed." I lay aimlessly watching the particles of dust floating slowly down the rays of sunlight that filter in through the venetian blinds.
I pull the blankets over my head and pray, "Oh God, I can't face another day."
I force myself into a sitting position. My head aches from too much sleep and my eyes feel gritty with yesterday's mascara.
Slowly, I stand and stumble toward the bathroom. I step into the shower.
I turn on the hot water... feed in a little cold. I work a bar of ivory soap slowly between my hands.
I inhale the familiar scent, which somehow seems to comfort me. I begin washing away the long and restless night.
Warm water pulsates against my head, rolls off my shoulders and down my back.
Something, if not someone is touching me... my body... reminding me I am still alive, still vital, still a woman.
I turn off the water... I run the side of my face across the wall of cool wet tiles.
Absently, I watch the water as it funnels down the drain and with it; I feel my life force pulling away.
I look in the linens closet... no clean towels... a sheet will have to do.
I urge myself toward the kitchen, cold wooden floors painted white. I love the color white.
It's so clean and simple. A sense of order in my otherwise disordered life.
I make a cup of coffee... the aroma brings back a sense of us... the way we used to
be... your apartment, the sound of the alarm clock going off... the automatic coffee
maker... a quick kiss and a dash for the 7:15... our life together so full of
promise... so beautiful we were then.
I add plenty of sugar to my coffee, a little reward for facing the day. I look at the clock on the wall, its 9:15. I move back toward the bedroom, back into bed, just 5 minutes more.
Days turn into weeks, weeks into months. Oh God, I can't fake another day.
He's gone.
And with him went my sense of self, my purpose and direction. I've stopped working my business.
I don't want to face people. I don't want them to see my face and read my pain.
I move through a world that has somehow become surreal and where the sounds of everyday life have become
muted... the way things sound when you're swimming in a pool under water.
My spirit rallies. Today is going to be different, says the voice inside my head.
I'm going to make it different. For too long I've just let myself drift, pretending to live, putting up an efficient busy facade but doing just enough to get by.
Hours later, I'm back trapped inside my head.
I spend hours trying to sort things out. Thinking... replaying scenes from our
past... memories of the man I loved and lost. I weigh and measure his
words... my responses... playing what if, evaluating and analyzing, trying to make some sense of it all, some order of it all and at the same time praying to forget.
The telephone rings, shhh... my heart races... go away!... there is no one
home... no one but us chickens and we are hiding in the closet...
sitting in the dark... busy thinking... as if thinking could somehow change the things that have happened between us and in doing so bring me to a different place than where I am
today... alone in my pain and madness. I can't answer the phone.
I can barely speak. My voice is but a whisper, choked with the weight of the sorrow I feel.
On other days, I feel so strong, so centered, so in control... I see everything so clearly.
I've got my game plan together. I even manage to go out and land a couple of new accounts, make some money, pay my bills, and buy some time.
On those days, I look out my window to the river... I envision myself there
sailing... the smell of water, the sun, the warm wind whipping against my
body... I have power, purpose, a course and a destination. But, mostly I just sit, think, and o nothing to change my life.
Why not? What is holding me back? Intellectually I know what has to be done, I know I can do it and I struggle to move ahead, but I don't have the strength to fight the waves of anxiety that threaten to push me down into the black abyss of depression.
I'm exhausted from the fear. I feel so cold. I can't get warm.
Over time, I come to terms with the fact that no one is coming to save me.
And the voice inside my head begins repeating. "Be still. Enough crying and grieving.
Enough struggling to hold on to the past. It's time to stop playing the role of a victim.
It doesn't suit you. You've been blessed with immeasurable gifts and with the strength to carry you on to a new and beautiful life.
There are people who have traveled greater distances, overcome greater obstacles, and defeated greater disabilities than your childish fears and self-imposed limitations.
It's time to change. The time is now." But how?
Enter center stage - "Sonny" Carroll
by Denise M. "Sonny" Carroll ©
Awakening to Self-Love
As it happened, it was a Saturday morning. A house cleaning day. I went into the bathroom to get a can of Ajax that I kept beneath the bathroom sink.
Absently, I bent down to reach for it and as I stood to walk away, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror.
For a second, I was taken aback. The way you are when you run across an old acquaintance and for a moment, you try to place the face.
"You" I heard myself say, "It's you. I hadn't noticed you standing there all this time."
I took a step back and turned to face the mirror. I looked at myself.
My age was beginning to show. I looked carefully at the contours of my face, my nose, the tiny beauty mark on the
side of my mouth. No judgments... just recognition. Then I looked deep into my eyes, my beautiful brown eyes.
I felt myself gazing the way you do when upon first meeting, you seem to recognize
the soul of another. "Hello." I heard myself whisper.
"Oh my God, I've never noticed you standing there. Standing and waiting for me to recognize you.
All this time it's been you there beside me."
You said nothing, but in your eyes, I saw it all.
You had walked every step of the way with me. You picked me up when I fell, when others walked away, you stayed.
And every time I thought I couldn't go on you gave me the strength and you showed me the way.
I never acknowledged your goodness, your gifts or your strength. I had love for everyone else but none for you.
"Forgive me," I heard myself cry. "I never meant to hurt you.
You... the one that has always been there for me. Let me love and honor you.
I promise never to betray you again."
You said nothing, but in your eyes, I saw a smile.
by Denise M. "Sonny" Carroll ©
