I think i am closest to god in the middle of flip turns. There is this moment of gorgeous silence, no thoughts, no worries, nothing but the water. A moment of utter silence. Then the push of legs, the solidity of the wall, the rush of bubbles...
The closest i come to meditation is when i'm dancing or swimming. When i can completely lose myself in the rhythm of motion. There's no room for place or time or need or fear or any of the thousand thoughts that ricochet inside my head all day. Just the weight of my body and the stretch of muscles, the air, the water and the silence. The music is like a part of me, a heartbeat beside my own...and if i had gills, i swear i would never leave the water. Swimming is the only time i feel graceful and complete, and dancing is the next closest. I think that's why i like to dance alone. its such a personal, such a spiritual feeling...
And after three hours of dancing last night and an hour of swimming this afternoon, i am feeling cleansed, sated, alive.
It is such a beautiful day.
26.01.02 "and i said, yeah, she's really blonde" -Dar Williams
There are those times in life when you are just struck by the amount of beauty that pours out of humanity, the utter depth of our existance, the levels of genuis and love and incredible amount of things there are to be in awe of.
22.01.02 "what good is a poker face/when you've got an open hand/i was s'posed to be cool about this/i remember cool was the plan" -Ani
Ever have one of those days where you just know that life would be better if you could rip your ovaries out and put them in a little jar somewhere? I mean, sure it'd hurt at first, but overall i'm pretty sure it'd be worth it.
19.01.02 "this is the beauty we dream of"
IT SNOWED! It SNOWED! SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW
17.01.02 "The insane, on occaion, are not without their charm"
Aiya. What a week. All sorts of crazy academic stuff, art stuff, theatre stuff, emotional stuff, and not nearly enough coffee. But, i did go swimming today, which is good, and I talked to nika for a good while, which is good, and i should be getting a box from my parents soon. Also good. Our show opens on the 7th of February, and auditions for the studios are on tuesday, and i'ma do that, and hopefully be good n busy.
Color is shaping up to be interesting... we had to buy a $45 box of colored paper... oooh and the nekkid people drawing is really fun. The nekkid people are generally old and flabby, but we're doing gesture with 30 second poses and ink drawing with sticks and its great.
Aaand we found this fabulous coffee shop called the Crimson Moon down by rittenhouse (right, jason?) and it's really funky and the people who work there are really nice and the coffee isgood and not too expensive. So yay for that.
Ummmmm in other news, my floor is comprised of very giggly fashion and interior design girls who run up and down the halls screaming at night. Ugh.
I think that's all for now.
Adiosa
11.01.02 "so she spun around on fucking" - Bill
New Rant.
I just got the string quartet tribute to Led Zeppelin and its absolutely songasmic. Beautiful.
Life is good... it finally snowed, though only once and breifly, but its nice and freezing cold and windy and generally being real winter weather. So yay.
One of my professors, for a scriptwriting class i'm taking, is basically a cross between Nick Dean and Ms Griff. Scary stuff. Hilarious, scary stuff.
And if anyone has any good ideas for a 5-10 page opening sequence, feel free to let me know.
yay cheerios.
Wuudnt it bee graat if thee eengliq laangwig wuz foonetik? Xats wat ii thot tuu.
06.01.02 "i am a taurus, and the world is made of glass"
maybe love is underwater
and i am caught on the rocks
i am not your enemy's daughter
i see your mind it blocks
take me through
the pot-luck romance
drug me up on cardboard wine
come undress me
look right throuh me
call me someone else's name
will you miss me my dear
and my wild wild hair?
we could fuck to wheel of fortune
be the vanna feminists
dress me up in sparkly skins
you could be the prince of it
will you miss me my dear
and my wild wild hair?
sorrys are like promises
they get bigger every time
they grow like weeds and laundry
and they infect my mind
we talk hotels
we talk whiskey
under water
over thinking
we could be the wind
we could be the wheels
we could jump right in
we could be the fields
there's a well inside of me
throw a penny in
and watch me ccry
i was raised on a dead end steeet
and the only end is goodbye
maybe love is underwater
and i am caught on the rocks
will you miss me my dear
and my wild wild hair?
-bitch and animal
30.12.01 "well here i am/don't know how to say this/only thing i know/is awkward silence" -Saves the Day
I had something to say, but now i don't remember it.
oh well. hope y'all had a good holiday and have a happy new years and all that.
carpe diem.
26.12.01 "Just a little song i wrote about an amazing man who got screwed." -Dave Matthews, in reference to The Christmas Song
At one AM christmas eve morning, we're sitting at Josh's house, he and Joss and I, watchcing a documentary on Jesus on the Discovery channel. A damned interesting program, actually, mostly filled with "everyone thinks it was this, but according to this forensic anthropologist and this archeologist and this blah blah of modern science, we're pretty sure it was this way instead."
Stuff like that they might have already been living in Bethelehem, that they probaby stayed with relatives and not in an inn, that Judas probaby didn't betray Jesus at all.
And i was thinking, wow, look at all this misconception. Look at what stereotype and editing and specified ignorance have done.
And then i thought... it doesn't matter, really. It doesn't matter if popular opinion is wrong and jesus was crucified through the wrists and given a hell of a pain-killer and possibly not dead when placed in his tomb, just in need of three days to recover.
It doesn't matter, because every crucifix in the world shows the same thing, because Easter has become a celebration of rabbits anyway, because there are towns in south america where young boys volunteer to be crucified for a day, where parades wind down the street and house after house denies the poor thesbian couple a place to stay. Because these misconceptions are part and parcel of our culture and our cultural mind - all across the world. Religion isn't a matter of fact anyway, and for all that that documentary might have thrilled me by saying that DaVinci's Last Supper was probably wrong in every detail...that is still the image that a hundred million Christians have in their minds. And even if it changes, the essence doesn't. The facts only make a difference if you don't believe.
Someone who doesn't believe at all in Christianity might be fascinated and delighted by the implications of that show. Someone with a shaky or false belief in Christ might be upset, even outraged, would deny everything or at least rationalize it.
Someone with true faith would, i think, nod and accept it and believe anyway. Someone who truly believed would know that any human interpretation of God's actions is bound to fall short.
So... it amuses me and interests me, but doesn't change my beliefs. It frightens the proselytizer, who then fervently ignores it, and it is accepted by the true believer and changes nothing.
And so really, changes nothing.
18.12.01 "quench my thirst with gasoline" -Metallica
That's it, i'm becoming a lesbian.
14.12.01 "virtue is relative at best" -Ani
First term, check. Just finished my psych final, which again took less than half as long as it was supposed to, and this time i'm pretty damn sure i did well. And that concludes the first bit of my college experience, and i think i can say with certainty that i survived. New Jersey was nice, we did lots of shopping, which is something i rarely enjoy but did (yeah pink fuzzy sweaters), saw Ocean's 11, and brad pitt is something i ALWAYS enjoy, and gas in NJ was at $1.01 for premium, and down to $.93 for regular. Ugh.
Aaaanyway, i'll be home tomorrow around two-ish, and i'm sure my parents will have me under lock and key for the first day at least, but i will be venturing out of the house on sunday to see brig and andy, and i'm assuming that after that i should be relatively free to come and go as i choose.
Hey nika - its FINALLY raining at my house! Yay!!
And jason - your goddamned email is being wholly uncooperative, so you should go yell at webmail or otherwise figure out why i can't email you.
Carpe diem and drive carefully
06.12.01 "no harms were hurt in the nunning of this film." -Silke, and i think i've used it before, but it deserves to be up here twice.
so turns out i am going home with my roommate anyway, i'm just leaving tuesday and coming back friday before my final. which is way better than sitting here alone for three days. yay.
and why isn't it winter yet?? uggh.
05.12.01 "i'm a pixie, i'm a paper doll, i'm a cartoon" -Ani
my last drawing class is successfully OVER. HUZZAH!
And i'm going home in ten days. Horray for winter. Speaking of which, its 70 goddamned degrees in Philadelphia, and i feel cheated. i want snow, dammit!
And even though i only have two finals, they're on tuesday and friday, which pretty neatly prevents me from going home with my roommate when she leaves monday. So i'm going to be here pretty much alone from the 11th on, since most everyone i know has finals only on monday and tuesday. Whine.
Aaaand back to my sociology paper. Yay for women in Buddhism.
Carpe diem
30.11.01 "if i had it all/i'd fuck it up" -DMB
It was nice to be home.
Thought of the day: We are streamlining almost every aspect of business, manufacturing and prodcution, so that 50 technicians now do the work of 50,000 laborers. What physical labor is still required is often sub-contracted to developing countries where 40 cents an hour is almost enough to live on. Meanwhile, our population is exploding at an exponential rate. And we wonder at rising unemployment.
Oh, and for anyone who's ever wondered: 2nd world countries do exist, or at least, they did. They were the socialist countries... unsurprisingly, the term fell out of use after the collapse of socialist Russia.
20.11.01 "everything bows to beauty.."- Ani
I am thankful for this life. I am thankful that i can breathe the smog and subway steam, that i can see the gritty grey sidewalks and that i can walk them, i am thankful that i can taste the awful dining hall food and smell the urine in the elevators, that i can hear the blaring car alarms and feel the cold wind. I am thankful for leaves that change color and hair that sticks out sideways in the morning. I am thankful for green eyes that understand me when i cannot speak. I am thankful for a mind that warrants my presence at this college, and i am thankful for the resources that allow me to attend. I am thankful for easymac. I am thankful for down comforters, tiger-striped dawn through slatted blinds, and guitars. For decade-long friendships, for instantaneous bonds, for inside jokes and minds that leap to the same strange conclusions. I am thankful for pet names and short hair that can be scratched. I am thankful for sunsets. I am thankful for good books and good food, for late-night giddiness and early-morning confessions. I am thankful for parents who love me. I am thankful for friends who do the same. I am thankful for kittens. I am thankful for design projects that make me think. I am thankful for the ocean, for telephones, chessboards (and triple-kinged checker pieces), for photographs, for roses, conversations, hot chocolate, Rocky Horror Picture Show, mutual attraction, digital clocks, Ani, acting, flirting, paint on the soles of my feet, shooting stars, silence, i am thankful for the fits of depression that remind me that i am not alone, i am thankful for the postal service and occasions when it really is the thought that counts, i am thankful for cheese and those funny birds that hop around like they have springs in them, i am thankful for rainclouds, comfortable boots, siblings who ask for advice, hugs, insults that come out during card games, pickles, the snooze button, sleeveless shirts, slow soft kisses, laughter, poetry, apologies, singing along really loudly to songs that no one else likes, singing loudly in the street with people i love, dimples, coffee, DVDs, fingernails, Craisins, moments of peace, people who are willing to listen to my dreams, and penguins.
I am thankful for this life, and for the love and beauty that make it worth living.
12.11.01 "My brainwaves/confused between what is and ain't" -Live
its so frustrating, to be living in a place with this incredible cultural scene, with plays and shows and events that happen daily, and be quite simply bereft of the time to go. We were going to go see a stage production of Through the Looking Glass, but i didn't have time, were going to see Equus, but i had to finish my design project... but eventually there must be a weekend during which i DON'T have an overwhelming amount of work to do, though i think i'm just giong to want to sleep through it. And its awful... all the physics and engineering majors and whatnot have tons of "real" work, but at least they can bring it with them to the library...or to rehersal... whereas we have 10 hours worth of work over the weekend, which requires a huge spread-out space and paint and water and brushes and x-acto knives and straightedges and foodstuffs (for texture!) and lots and lots of time.
Now, i'm not really complaining, despite evidence to the contrary - i really really enjoy what we're doing, i feel like i'm being made to stretch my limits, to find new kinds of creativity. I really like the work, i just wish i had time to do anything else. And speaking of time-consumers:
Lysistrata opens on thursday! yay for tambourines!
and now i'm late for class. carpe diem
11.11.01 "Down in the valley where the veins don't go" -Joydrop
black and white are not colors black and white are not colors black and white are not colors blakc and white aer not colors blac kadn white are n otcol orsb lac aknd wihter a n cootlro s balk an hit we darn cool sort b b b bb b notcolorsnot colors not colors!
they're values.
aiya,i'm not even going to begin to address the sociological subtones to that statement.
07.11.01 "i had a dream, late last night" -Melissa Etheridge
There's this idea of "college", of college kids and college life and classes and dining halls and everything contained within the cliche. And, graduating, you look ahead to this image, wondering if you'll be able to insinuate yourself among these "college kids", able to find yourself in the newness of "college life." I think this holds true for every major life change. But then you get here, and the people are just people, and life is just one day at a time, same as its always been. And any fear or trepidation gets buried in the inconsequential idiocies of day-to-day. And suddenly you're on your way to lunch, or to the dorm or leaving some 101, and you look around. This is college. This is my life. These people walking past me are all in college, too, these classes are supposed to be the foundation of the rest of forever, the friend walking next to me was a stranger and senior in high school only months ago.
Well shit. i'm sitting here, Wednesday morning, roommate sleeping, rap coming through the window, pile of books to my right and pile of dirty dishes to my left, five hours of sleep and a project due tomorrow. And this is now my life, this is who i am. There are smokestacks out my window that send a steady, intractable stream of blackness into the air, the cool fog has been replaced with muggy heat and biting wind, my parent's admonishings with my own judgement (and a bounced check or two), Ms Griff with... well, Ms griff is irreplacable, but you get the idea.
Its odd, and good, and terrible and fascinating and i suppose, everything that life should be.
And for the most part, for the overwheling majority of the time, i love it. I love this city, i like all my classes save one, and thats only because the professor is a bloody imbecile. I feel like i've made friends, good friends, i feel like i have a place here. I've yet to wish i could be home, yet to feel some overpowering desire to return to anything but the ocean... there are people whom i miss, and some terribly, but mostly i wish they could come out here... i don't want to go back home.
Which is not to say that i'm not looking forward to Thanksgiving, as odd as Thanksgiving is going to be... i'm very much looking forward to seeing my family, and Silke and everyone again. I'm looking forward to sleeping on a bed that my feet don't hang over the edge of, looking forward to a shower i can be barefoot in. But i don't regret coming here, so far away, and i think i very much have my parents to thank for that - no, not that they're so anything that i don't want to go back, but that they raised me so that i am strong enough to stand on my own without fear. And i have silke and cc and ashley and elisabeth and rob and josh and a plurality of matts, all of whom have been friends of the kind that make it clear that their friendships are not contingent on time or place, whose faith in me is matched by mine in them, and whose friendships are something i can rely on and hold dear.
In short, i have been blessed beyond measure, and i am thankful.
05.11.01 "Do NOT throw things that sound like plastic. ESPECAILLY plastic!" -Adele, director of Lys
So i'm reading this book called Bitch, which i really enjoyed at first... the first chapter being all full of girl-power stuff and how women are strong... but the second chapter is all about suicide and women being beaten and subjugated and it's depressing as hell. Its making me feel very PJ Harvey and Hole, though, to the dismay of my roommate.
Blah. Can't think of anything else.
Ta-ta
02.11.01 "The very existance of the flamethrower is proof that sometime, somewhere, someone said 'y'know, i'd really like to set that guy on fire, but i'm just not close enough to get the job done.' "
Had rehersal from 6:30 to about 10 last night. Yuck. I'm playing the tambourine now, which means i'm in all the chorus scenes. yech. but afterwards, i went to some diner with a bunch of the drama kids, and had a lovely two hours talking about parents and school and having political discussions about abortion and free speech... and generally having a wonderful time and feeling nice and belonged.
And i have two papers to write for my class thats in a steadily decreasing amount of time away.
oh yeah, and happy halloween.
Carpe diem.
01.11.01 "Never be embarrased about something you like." -from Taxi Driver Wisdom
Registered for my classes today. Next term should be interesting... i'm taking design 2, figure drawing (yay naked people)and art history on monday and wednesdays, and a script writing class on thursdays. other than that, all i have is university101. Which should also be interesting - the school i'm going to has bars over the windows and a steel cage around the computer lab. The kids seemed nice enough, though, and i'll be teaching first grade, which ought to be fun.
I had an incredibly busy, but really satisfyingly productive day yesterday. I exspected to be all stressed out, but i wasn't, and actually almost had fun running around madly. And my psych midterm took me about 15 of the alloted 50 minutes, which either means yay-i-did-really-well, or i'm-stupid-and-i-suck. so we'll see.
I'm doing my sociology report on the effect of religion on domestic violence. And, in comparing Christianity, Islam and Buddhism, i'm realizing exactly how ignorant i am of all three. did you know that in Buddhism, marraige is almost exclusively a secular event? And in Islam, the men are specifically prohibited from hitting their wives unless they see no other way to avoid divorce, only after trying a number of other methods, and never on the face or hard enough to leave a mark. And if a man refuses to have sex with his wife when she wants it, thats grounds for divoce. Interesting, eh? Its amazing the misconceptions we harbor and nurture in order to make strange things seem wrong.
Carpe diem and keep your mind open.
22.10.01 "Joy is smooth and curvy." -Jason
Well, i had a lovely weekend. A visit from Josh, which was very nice. We did much wandering around and doing nothing - which i guess is a pretty accurate slice of my daily activities. He did, however, distract me from finsihing my design project. And i just realized i have to write an essay for my sociology class midterm, which is not good and due tomorrow.
Nika called me today! Yay!
And i have my guitar back now. Bigfat yay!
And i'm off to discover the essense of excitement and slap it on an 8x8 board.
Carpe diem
15.10.01 "this distance seems terrible" -Dashboard Confessional
Fire dage, fire dage! Hygge!
08.10.01 "tongiht i am running through the screen doors of discretion" -Dar Williams
Pis og sdan.
And horray for three-day weekends. My roommate went home for it, so I had the room all to myself. A nice indulgence, being able to sleep naked and play Ani all day without worrying that i'm irritating her. We've been getting along pretty well, no major conflicts.
I have a bit part in Lysistrata, and i'm gonna be doing alot of shop and crew, which should be fun. The drama kids are great so far (of course), and we had as good a time as could be excpefcted on friday, painting flats and whatnot. Flats that had only been used TWICE! Meaning, they'd been BRAND NEW only two shows ago! AND there's a curtain on the stage and a green room with a nifty speakler setup so you can hear the stage and the crowd and all the things a theatre is supposed to have. YAY I'm in dramadork heaven.
Plus, the guy who runs tech is really cute.
And its off to dinner. I think i somehow eat more here than i did at home, which i know is cliche, the freshman fifteen and all that, but i ate ALOT at home. I think maybe its the fact that i don't have a car and therefor have to walk alot more than i 'm used to. Yeah, that must be it.
And, as always, grab life by the balls and hang on tight. (Carpe diem.)
28.09.01 "only in dreams" -Weezer
Yay for Weezer!!! We went to the concert on wednesday, which was, in a word, fanfuckingtastic.
First week of classes sucessfully completed, all body parts still intact and functioning (which is more than i can say for some people), i'm not behind in my classes yet, and generally having a good time. The drama department here is putting on a free show of student-written and student-directed one-acts which Elise and i are going to tonight, followed by a meet-the-drama-dept sort of a thing afterwards with info about auditions and whatnot.
Um...so i really like philly, especially South Street, which is basically like Telegraph in berkeley.
which reminds me, i have emails to write and homework to do.
Carpe diem
23.09.01 "nobody scores on my navigator and gets away with it!" -Death Race
The whole and entire purpose of this update was to put that quote up before i forgot it. grin
22.09.01 "i would offer you my hand.." -Saves the Day
Today was "College Day on the Parkway", whcih meant we got free admission to all the museums and stuff along the Franklin Parkway - the Philly Meseum of Art, the Rodin Museum, the Franklin Institute, the Free Library, and a few other places we didnt' go to. It was really cool, the Rodin museum is awesome, and the library is huge. We had a good time running about.
I got my schedule yesterday, i'm taking a Psychology class, a Sociology class, Drawing, Design and "University 101" which is this required class which for the first term teaches you, in theory, how to be a sucessful college student. Later we go out into philadelphia and teach inner-city kids how to read, which seems really cool. Classes start monday, and i'm looking forward to it. My schedule is funny - i only have one class on mondays, but tuesday and thursday i have class pretty solid from 9:30am to 6pm.
I'm not too homesick - people-sick more than anything else, really, and then only when i have a moment to sit and think, which doesn't happen too often. Though i do miss the ocean and nice, cool fog. As opposed to skylines and humididty. Not that i'm complaining. My roommate and i just used our microwave for the first time yesterday, it was quite a bonding moment. ;)
I have no idea how regular my updates are going to be once the school year starts, but i'll try to stick something up here letting y'all know i'm still alive with some regularlity.
Bizzare reality of the day: there's a team in Pitttsburg called the Penguins, and their logo somehow gives the impression that penguins would run fast. I thought it was funny.
And my number here is 215.571.4242 if you wanna gimme a ring.
Till then, carpe diem.
20.09.01 "My school colors were clear. We used to say "i'm not naked, i'm in the band!" " -Steven Wright
Well, i didn't get blown up.
Yay for philadelphia, college and resounding lack of parents. Of course, i don't have a schedule yet (classes start monday) and i need lightbulbs, but all in all life is damned good.
Nika - thank you luv, and i'm having a ball.
I don't know how well this updade here is going to work - i've got a mac now, and evidently, Geocities has only formatted this program for IBM, so if this is illegible , let me know.
Ohn and rob, i figured out why i was saying "awl" for "all" - it was a philly accent.
Poetry!
Carpe Diem, y'all.
16.09.01 "hold me down, i am floating away..." -Ani
Take a deep breath, kids, we're going over the edge.
And happy birthday, luv. I'm sorry.
To everyone i did or didn't manage to say goodbye to, i love you, i will miss you, and yes, i'll try not to be blown up.
13.09.01 "A day that will live in infamy"
Somehow, i suddenly don't want to take a transcontinental flight to a major city that sits in the middle of New York and DC...
10.09.01 "no harms were hurt in the nunning of this film." -Silke
Six days and counting. Silke ships out on thursday, but wednesday will be the last time i see her until thanksgiving. jesus god. I cannot even imagine a world without her to kick me in the ass. She's been my anchor, my sounding board, my link to reality... the only voice outside my own head that i unequivocably trust. The only presence i don't doubt. My inspiration. What am i going to do without you?
And for that matter, what am i going to do without CC and Elizabeth and Nika and Ashley and Robbie and Fletcher and Kate and Esther and Jenny, for christ's sake. And Josh. And the rest of my world. What the hell am i doing, leaping off these goddamn cliffs as though i have wings? Do i really think i'm this strong?
Who wants to place a bet on how many bones i break on the way down? I'd say four or five.
Fuck it. Carpe diem.
03.09.01 "i don't belong here" -Radiohead
What to say? I think i might be part lemming or some other animal that habitually jumps off tall objects onto hard ground.
And i'm seizing the day with all the strength of my hands, holding on with teeth and toenails.
A
