In the past year a lot of people have read my first fake chat, and a few of them have asked themselves, "Where the hell does Whalls get off?" I think this issue should be addressed. To any of you who may think ill of me after reading that chat, know this: I'm not alone. You see, even though I may or may not be the only person posting these things online, I'm not the only person who has the thoughts that are expressed. I try to make sure that everything I write in these things has some factual basis, and in most cases, these topics have already been discussed at length between myself and others, and by and large, my feelings on most of the things I cover are shared with them. Occasionally, some of the stuff I write might be my opinion alone, or a take on the opinion of others, so if you really want to know "where I get off," then I suggest you read the commentary at the end of this all.

If something upsets you, and you choose to go crying to Booth, you stop talking to me, you feel obligated to write something equally bad about me online, or whatever it may come to, it doesn't matter. As cliché as it sounds, the joke is on you. The part that makes you mad, someone else is laughing at. And if I can hit both of those, I think I've probably done my job well. Remember people, there is a surefire way to not get a really bad part in these things…don’t do stupid stuff. If something burns you in here, it probably all stems back to something you did before. That is, unless your name is Kevin Booth, in which case the insults are a dime a dozen and oft unsubstantiated.

Now, for those of you who appreciated the first chat, I would first like to thank you for your feedback and words of support. I was rather surprised that so many people out there (some even joining after the writing) enjoyed what I wrote, and requested a sequel be made. Even though I may have more to say about the people who didn't like it, there were many more of you who did, and you are the ones for which this one is made. Consider it a sort of Christmas gift from me. While it will undoubtedly be a lump of coal in some people's stockings, I hope that will bring at least a few laughs for everyone, and remind us all what Kart, and Christmas for that matter, is really about...making fun of people.

AImIRC Strikes Back

You have joined channel #MarioKart64Chat.
Currently in the channel: DnTn31, Louis767, Shorty20122012.
Louis767: So you just have to press the A button between the second and third lights.
Shorty20122012: That's it?
Louis767: Yeah.
Shorty20122012: So what do I do for a turbo start then?
Louis767: That's what I just explained.
Shorty20122012: No, I mean, a turbo, turbo start. You know, the fast one that acts like a mushroom boost.
Louis767: Yeah, that's what I just told you how to do.
Shorty20122012: I already know how to do the turbo start.
Louis767: Well then why in the hell did you ask me?
Shorty20122012: I want to know how to do the faster one.
Louis767: Oh, do you mean the Everett"I'm really desperate to have my name associated with some piece of Kart history"Start?
Shorty20122012: Is that the fast one?
DnTn31: Jesus Christ, I can't take this any more.
Shorty20122012 has been blocked from the room by DnTn31.
DnTn31: Hey Whalls.
Louis767: What are you doing in here, Jason?
JWhalls64: Booth said he has some important announcements to make. Don't worry, I wouldn't come here on my own free will.
DnTn31: That's a relief! The conversation has been so much more intelligent since you stopped showing up.
Louis767: So did Kevin say anything about what these announcements were about?
JWhalls64: Something to do with his stepping down as the lead of the site, and some stuff about the staff.
DnTn31: Crap! That sucks!
Louis767: What's the matter, Mark?
DnTn31: Well, if Booth has some announcements to go along with his leaving, that means that in a day or two there'll be a giant, boring, grammatically incorrect, overly dramatic write up to go along with everything he says here. God I hate reading that garbage. Half of it isn't even relevant! He just rambles on and on about how great everything was in 1997. It's like listening to Whalls.
Louis767: Yeah, I think Booth likes to hear himself talk sometimes. Probably makes him feel like he still has a use around the community.
JWhalls64: So have you guys seen him around here lately?
Louis767: Nope, he hasn't been in all day. 
JWhalls64: What a bastard. Invites me in and isn't even here himself.
JWhalls64: Of course, that's about what I should expect. He's always either away, idle, sleeping or working.
KevinBoo69 has entered the room.
KevinBoo69: I'll be right back. Got to go to work and then take a nap. I'll be away and idle during that time. Gave all the staff an invite to the room, so they should show up soon. I'll start the meeting when I get back.
Michael Liem has entered the room.
SusanLacey has entered the room.
Flying SpearTip has entered the room.
KevinBoo69: Okay, I'm back.
JWhalls64: You never left.
KevinBoo69: Well, I had to call work to see what my hours were, and Hector was being a major ass, so I told him not to count on me coming in again.
JWhalls64: That was a pretty weak pun.
KevinBoo69: Well, desperate times call for desperate measures.
JWhalls64: So what about your nap?
KevinBoo69: I tried sleeping, but you know how I get after traumatic events.
JWhalls64: Okay Booth, let's get the meeting started then. I've already been in this room much longer than I'm accustomed to. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
KevinBoo69: Yes. First of all, welcome everyone.
DnTn31: Hey Booth, Chat You Never Had, Part 1 called...it wants its greeting back.
Louis767: Yeah, no kidding. Ever since Whalls released that, you've been trying way too hard to get that line out. Just let it go.
KevinBoo69: Wait...you mean I'm not required to say that?
DnTn31: No. Sure, at first, people expected it out of you. However, it has gone on quite long enough. 
KevinBoo69: But how will everyone know that they are welcome in my chat if I don't explicitly state it?
DnTn31: They'll figure it out. Let's move on.
KevinBoo69: Okay. 
KevinBoo69: The reason I called you all here is that I want to discuss the changes that will be made when I leave the site.
DnTn31: So what's the big deal? The guys have things under control and everything works well. There's absolutely nothing to worry about.
KevinBoo69: You're half right. There is nothing to worry about. However, the question lies in who has things under control.
DnTn31: What are you talking about?
KevinBoo69: Over the course of about six years, I've busted my ass for you guys, day in and day out. I started the site, actively recruited members, posted sexy pictures of myself online, and I probably did some other good stuff too. But what have I gotten in return?
JWhalls64: Well...
KevinBoo69: Nothing! All my blood, sweat and tears never get repaid, and I won't have all my work for naught. It's always take, take, take with you guys. So effective today, there will be staff changes.
Louis767: What changes are being made?
KevinBoo69: Well, for the sake of commentary, I'll go position by position instead of a quick list. We'll start with who I'm going to replace myself with as CEO. 
Michael Liem: Thank you, Booth. You're too kind. I will graciously accept your invitation to take over the Kart CEO position. I am well aware that the CEO spot requires extreme dedication, keen intelligence, strong people skills, and an unbreakable PAL bias. I, thankfully, have all these skills, and I promise to do my best to oppress NTSC to the fullest extent of my being.
KevinBoo69: Jesus, Michael, when did you start actually acting like the character in Whalls' chat? 
Michael Liem: I don't know. Recently, I guess. It kinda grows on you.
KevinBoo69: Well, I think it might be better for you if you don't try to take on more responsibility. It's unhealthy.
Michael Liem: I suppose you may be right, Booth. So if you're not picking me, who are you picking?
KevinBoo69: It was a tough choice, but I've decided to name Ruokai Chen as my successor.  
Michael Liem: CHEN?!
Louis767: WHAT?!
DnTn31: ARE YOU INSANE?!
KevinBoo69: No, I've thought about it long and hard, and I think this is the right choice to make.
Flying SpearTip: But isn't he the one who erased all that stuff of yours?
KevinBoo69: Yeah.
Flying SpearTip: And don't you hate him for that?
KevinBoo69: Well, I did for a while. However, not all of his erasing was bad. Something good did come out of it.
Flying SpearTip: What?
KevinBoo69: He erased something from my record.
Flying SpearTip: I'm still not following you...
KevinBoo69: Does the word 'statutory' strike fear into your heart?
Flying SpearTip: No, not really. 
KevinBoo69: Well, it does mine, but that whole issue is fixed now, thanks to Chen.
Michael Liem: So you're giving him the job based on one thing he did for you? What about qualifications?
KevinBoo69: I didn't have any qualifications when I started on the site either. I think it's only fair to give someone else a chance.
Michael Liem: So are you trying to ruin the site?
KevinBoo69: Look, he's not going to be doing it alone. I think that once I get the rest of the staff changes out, it will all make sense, and you will see that the team I'm assembling is more than capable of taking Kart into the next era.
Michael Liem: Okay then, I'll give you a chance here. I suppose adding a qualified person in at VP might help negate the poor decision making of the CEO. Who is Whalls being replaced with?
KevinBoo69: Actually, I've decided to keep Whalls at his Vice President position.  He has demonstrated a standard of excellence in everything he does. Undoubtedly the best staffer we have; the guy lives and breathes Kart 64 Players.
JWhalls64: Whoa, hold on Booth. It seems we forgot to turn on the BS filter.
JWhalls64 has changed the BS filter status to: On.
JWhalls64: Okay, repeat that last line for us, Kev.
KevinBoo69: Actually, I've decided to keep Whalls at his Vice President position. It's a do-nothing position, and it seems that nothing is what the guy does best. Undoubtedly the least important staffer we have. I might venture to say that he lives and breathes Kart 64 Players, but honestly, we'd be lucky if he was even spending his time napping about Kart 64 Players. In fact, the only reason I'm letting him keep this position is so I don't have to listen to him bitch and moan about being removed.
Louis767: Wow, I didn't know this program had a BS filter!
DnTn31: And it works so well!
JWhalls64: Yeah, it's a new feature.
Louis767: Let me try it!
JWhalls64 has changed the BS filter status to: Off.
Louis767: Okay Booth, what do you think of me?
KevinBoo69: You're a good guy, Louis. A friend in time of need, a reliable staff member, and a tribute to the quality of man today. 
Louis767 has changed the BS filter status to: On.
Louis767: Okay, say that again.
KevinBoo69: You're Canadian.
Louis767: Well, that was disappointing.
Louis767 has changed the BS filter status to: Off. 
DnTn31: Let me give it a go.
DnTn31: What do you think of this chat so far?
KevinBoo69: I like it!
DnTn31 has changed the BS filter status to: On.
KevinBoo69: I like it!
DnTn31: Hmm...must be malfunctioning.
DnTn31 has changed the BS filter status to: Off.
JWhalls64: One last test to make sure it isn't broken. What do you think of me, Booth?
KevinBoo69: You're a cool guy, Whalls.
JWhalls64 has changed the BS filter status to: On.
KevinBoo69: Huge ego.
JWhalls64 has changed the BS filter status to: Off.
JWhalls64: Phew, everything is fully operational still. Better leave this thing alone though, just in case. The potential misunderstanding in the event of a failure could be catastrophic.
KevinBoo69: Actually, from what I'm seeing, I think the catastrophic potential of it is greater when it does its job correctly.
JWhalls64: Either way, we should avoid using it any more until it's out of its beta stages. 
KevinBoo69: Fair enough.
KevinBoo69: Moving on, for the stats position, I'm replacing Liem with Eric Habrich.
Michael Liem: You're kicking me out of my position? I think you might be forgetting that without me, you wouldn't even have a stats position! I made this site work!
KevinBoo69: I know, but it's time to face the facts, Liem. You helped build all the stuff we needed, but you made it too easy for anyone to operate. This isn't necessarily a bad thing. You can get a much deserved break.
Michael Liem: Why don't you tell the truth, Booth. You just think that I might be getting too powerful and that I might decide to take over the site sometime. It's rightfully mine anyway. It found me! It's my precious! Yes, precious. I will be the Lord of the Web Ring!
KevinBoo69: This isn't a web ring.
Michael Liem: I know, but I had nothing there otherwise. 
KevinBoo69: This is what I'm talking about though, Michael. I think the stress of working on the site is starting to get to you. We're concerned about you, and we think this is in your best interest. 
Michael Liem: Oh screw this! I'm not going to sit around here and listen to this crap. Besides, if I'm not a staff member anymore, I don't need to be here.
KevinBoo69: Later Michael!
Michael Liem: Screw you.
Michael Liem has left the room. (Tricksy little hobbitses)
KevinBoo69: Shh...nobody tell him that I just don't want any dirty PALies working on the site.
Louis767: So why did you pick Habrich?
Flying SpearTip: Yeah, I don't recall him ever saying he wanted to be a staff member.
KevinBoo69: True, he never did. I'm just sick of him playing constantly and making my times look foolish. I figure he just needs something else to do with his spare time, so he'll have to work on the site. 
Louis767: That's a good idea!
KevinBoo69: Yeah, becoming a staff member has ruined countless Kart careers.
Flying SpearTip: Like who?
KevinBoo69: Well, Sabbagh's push for #1 in SC died off because of it. It stopped Whalls from ever catching me again in the ranks. Horwitz disappeared altogether, though it also drove him insane. It was the cause of 16 of Bukrim's retirements. The list goes on.
JWhalls64: Pretty astute, Boothman. 
KevinBoo69: I'm not as dumb as I look.
KevinBoo69: Before we move on, Hab wants to come in and say a few things. Don't mention the career ruining stuff.
Eric Habrich has entered the room.
Eric Habrich: Hi everyone!
DnTn31: Hey Eric, how's it going?
Eric Habrich: Decent. Not too good, but not too bad. Pretty...neutral.
DnTn31: Right.
DnTn31: So what's going on?
Eric Habrich: Oh, just the usual stuff. Doing the things that I normally do. You know, stuff.
DnTn31: Play any Kart lately?
Eric Habrich: I don't know.
DnTn31: You don't know?
Eric Habrich: (Insert Generic Comment Here)
DnTn31: What's the deal with you tonight, Hab?
Eric Habrich: Well, my main active period online was after Whalls quit showing up in the Kart chat, so...
DnTn31: Oh, okay then.
Eric Habrich: Well, I've got to be going, guys. I've got some plans...or sleep...or whatever it is I normally do when I sign off.
Eric Habrich has left the room.
JWhalls64: Well, that was a blast. So whose career are you planning on ruining next?
KevinBoo69: Okay, for the position of Profile Manager, I'm appointing Kevin Margado. Bye, bye Lacey.
SusanLacey has been kicked from the room by KevinBoo69. (You don't even have this program)
Louis767: Kevin Margado?
JWhalls64: Who's that?
KevinBoo69: I have no clue, but he said he wanted to be a part of this and it seemed like a good idea. I mean, honestly, with a name like Kevin, how can we go wrong?
JWhalls64: Kevin Costner?
KevinBoo69: Hey, he's a great actor!
JWhalls64: Get real, Booth. He's washed up. 
KevinBoo69: You say that now, but his next movie is gonna rock!
JWhalls64: He has another one coming out?
KevinBoo69: Yeah, the sequel to Dances with Wolves!
JWhalls64: I haven't heard of it.
KevinBoo69: Sings Karaoke with Wolves. It's a musical with audience interaction.
JWhalls64: Sounds like a real winner. Coming soon to a bar near you?
KevinBoo69: Wait and see, Whalls. It'll rock. I've been practicing my singing. I figure if I get good enough, I can take over KevinBooth.com by stealing his identity.
JWhalls64: I can see that I'll be making no progress on this, so feel free to move on to your next staff selection.
Louis767: Looks like we've come to my position.
KevinBoo69: Yep, and due to intense lobbying I've received, I am forced to remove Canadians from the staff as well.
Louis767: Why?
KevinBoo69: You're freeloaders. The people have spoken. You are to be replaced with Jones. He brought quality leadership and consistent updates to the MK:SC community, and I think it would be in our best interest to have him on board our staff.
JWhalls64: Well, at least he finally picked a qualified person. Jones does have experience working on Kart sites. I had nearly forgotten that he works on MK:SC, though. When was the last update?
Louis767: Somewhere in March.
JWhalls64: Oh, I guess I've been out of the loop too long. You call that consistent updating, Booth?
KevinBoo69: Whatever. Quality over quantity. Jones is the guy for us.
DnTn31: I hate to break it to you Booth, but I've already got my hands full with the MKDD site.
KevinBoo69: Please Jones, don't try to fool me. Everyone here knows that if you were actually working on the MKDD site, it'd already be dead.
JWhalls64: Wait a minute...didn't you just say he brought quality leadership and consistent updates to his previous project?
Louis767: Yeah, what's your real reason for selecting Jones then? You really are trying to kill the Kart 64 community, aren't you?
KevinBoo69: No. It's just that Jones was in the room, and he's not a staff member yet, so I figured that he was waiting for an invite.
DnTn31: Well, like I said before, my plate is already full.
KevinBoo69: Come on, Jones. I'm not asking you to do a lot. I mean, for christ sakes, Louis did it.
DnTn31: That's true. He is Canadian, after all.
KevinBoo69: That's the spirit! Welcome aboard, Mark!
DnTn31: Okay, that's settled. Who is taking over Special Projects? 
KevinBoo69: No one. I'm getting rid of the position. 
Louis767: Are you giving Everett anything else to do then?
KevinBoo69: No, he's done.
Louis767: What'd he do?
KevinBoo69: It's what he couldn't get done. I mean, if you're going to be Special Projects, get some damn special projects done. Where's his sequel to The Chat U Never Had? Nowhere to be found, and frankly, it's messing up the context for this chat.
Louis767: Really? I hadn't noticed.
KevinBoo69: Let me CP.
KevinBoo69: Lil Munkie 78: All I had to do was click "Mark All" and then "D'elete."
JWhalls64: He hasn't said that yet. In fact, he hasn't even entered the chat yet.
KevinBoo69: Oh shit. Nevermind that, then. 
KevinBoo69: Regardless, Everett is gone.
Flying SpearTip: Hold on, this isn't fair!
JWhalls64: Whoa, you're still in here, Everett?
Flying SpearTip: Yeah.
JWhalls64: I thought I had you leave a while back.
Flying SpearTip: I know, that's why I quit saying anything.
JWhalls64: Good save. Thanks.
Flying SpearTip: Hey, no problem.
Flying SpearTip has been blocked by KevinBoo69. (I said you're gone. Get gone!)
KevinBoo69: Alrighty. One more to cover and we're all set.
Louis767: You're actually getting rid of Frame?
KevinBoo69: Does this really come as a surprise to you now?
Louis767: Well, no, but it's not like we have anyone who can do a better job.
KevinBoo69: Maybe not, but if the damn guy can't even finish the page in a timely manner, he's getting replaced. I can't afford to keep him around.
Louis767: He did everything out of the kindness of his own heart...you don't pay him anything!
KevinBoo69: Precisely. And that money could be better spent on a quality designer.
Louis767: So are you trying to say that someone is paying you to take the position?
KevinBoo69: Threatening, more or less.
Louis767: How so?
KevinBoo69: Well, Gutierrez said he wanted the position or he'd "mess me up, bra."
DnTn31: No, no, Booth. You have to keep Nick.
KevinBoo69: Why?
DnTn31: I can't be on the same staff as Steven. That's a catastrophe waiting to happen.
KevinBoo69: Well, I'm going to have to risk it. I'm too close to a breakthrough in my life to be risking a wicked beat down. 
DnTn31: A breakthrough?
KevinBoo69: Oh crap! I missed my obligatory business pitch!
JWhalls64: Here he goes again. Thanks Jones.
KevinBoo69: Who here would like to make more money?
DnTn31: Booth, we just went through this whole thing in yesterday's chat.
KevinBoo69: Really?
DnTn31: Yeah.
KevinBoo69: The money making potential?
DnTn31: Yes.
KevinBoo69: The early retirement?
DnTn31: Yep.
KevinBoo69: The crippling self-doubt and utter rejection from contemporary society?
DnTn31: The whole thing. You covered it all.
KevinBoo69: So how many of you signed up for the business?
DnTn31: None of us.
KevinBoo69: Well, something must've went wrong then. I'll start from the beginning again.
KevinBoo69: Who here would like to make more money?
DnTn31: No, seriously Booth, you covered it all. We need to move on. There are more pressing topics at hand.
KevinBoo69: Did I mention that I loved you guys?
DnTn31: You tried that one yesterday too.
KevinBoo69: Did it work?
DnTn31: Well, no one signed up, but you made out with Louis for a good 30 minutes.
KevinBoo69: At least it's not a total loss.
DnTn31: So can we keep Frame in Web Design?
KevinBoo69: No. I'm serious here, Mark. I'm on the verge of a serious breakthrough. I can't chance it. Don't worry. He grows on you.
DnTn31: Cancer does too, but that doesn't mean it's a welcome addition.
KevinBoo69: You should give him a chance. He's actually really fun to talk to. All you have to do is disregard anything he says and pretend that you're having lots of fun.
DnTn31: Oh, I never thought of it like that.
KevinBoo69: See? It'll all work itself out in the end.
KevinBoo69: Anyway, Gutierrez is bugging me to come back in. Can you lift the block, Mark?
DnTn31: No.
KevinBoo69: Well, he is a staff member now. You're going to have to do it sooner or later.
DnTn31: It just doesn't feel right though.
KevinBoo69: If it'd make you feel better, you can try pulling a prank on him. Switch your SN.
DnTn31 is now known as Kliffard McCool. 
KevinBoo69: Okay, now we'll just tell him you're a new staff member. Should get him nice and confused.
Shorty20122012 has been unblocked by Kliffard McCool.
Shorty20122012 has entered the room.
KevinBoo69: Welcome back, Steven. Lots has happened in here today, in addition to you being added to the staff, so let me recap.
KevinBoo69: Ruokai Chen is our new CEO, Whalls is staying at SVP, Habrich is Stats, Margado is Profiles, Everett is fired and you're Web Design.
KevinBoo69: Wait, I missed someone.
KevinBoo69: Kliffard McCool is taking over the Timesheets.
Louis767: Here it comes, Kliff...
Shorty20122012: Hold on, Booth. I'm confused.
Kliffard McCool: :)
Shorty20122012: What page are you talking about?
Kliffard McCool: :(
KevinBoo69: The Player's Page.
Shorty20122012: The What Page?
KevinBoo69: The Player's Page.
Shorty20122012: The Player's What?
KevinBoo69: The Player's Page.
Shorty20122012: The What What?
Kliffard McCool: THAT'S IT! I KNEW THIS WAS A MISTAKE!
Shorty20122012 has been blocked from the room by Kliffard McCool.
Kliffard McCool is now known as DnTn31.
KevinBoo69: I guess we overdid it a bit. You didn't even need to change names to get him confused. Who woulda thunk it?
DnTn31: Thank god he's doing something lame like Web Design, and not something important...like updating the Player's List.
KevinBoo69: I'm not a complete idiot, Jones. 
KevinBoo69: Anyway, you guys saw the recap with Steven. Unless there are any objections, then I think I'm done with my meeting. 
Louis767: I can think up a few objections...
KevinBoo69: Like what?
Louis767: Like the fact that you're going to kill the site.
KevinBoo69: Pff. Like I care. This site just got profitable. I might as well cash out on it as soon as possible.
JWhalls64: Speaking of that, what's the deal with the new banner on the main page?
KevinBoo69: It's from a new sponsor of our site.
JWhalls64: Since when did we take sponsors?
KevinBoo69: Don't freak out on me. I made sure to get a good deal out of it.
JWhalls64: What is that?
KevinBoo69: A free game. All they want is the banner and a review.
JWhalls64: I suppose that's not a horrible deal, but doesn't that still feel wrong to you?
KevinBoo69: It's a win-win scenario. What could it possibly hurt?
JWhalls64: The integrity of the site...
KevinBoo69: Point taken, but what's done is done. I can't very well go back on it now. We're just going to have to deal with it.
DnTn31: So what game is it?
KevinBoo69: The next Ridge Racer. 
DnTn31: When are we supposed to get it?
KevinBoo69: You're not.
DnTn31: Why not? You just said we get a free game.
KevinBoo69: No, I said I get a free game. They're only sending one, and it's my site, so it goes to me. I've spent a long time working on this site, and I've never gotten any tangible rewards. I've got to take what I can.
Louis767: No tangible rewards? What ever happened to the $200 you got sent from Twin Galaxies?
KevinBoo69: It was $250, and that was for my hard work and perseverance in getting the site into the TG database. 
Louis767: How much of that went to the people who helped you with TG, or the people who helped run the site on a day to day basis?
KevinBoo69: You talk like I just sat around for weeks after getting that money. 
Louis767: Didn't you?
KevinBoo69: That's what I wanted you to think. See, I try to get stuff done behind the scenes. I take on the bulk of the workload, but I don't go around crying and trying to get sympathy from you all. You just never hear about a lot of the things I do. I was working my ass off, and I earned every last red cent of that TG check.
JWhalls64: So if you did so much, why did the Kart TG competition turn out like absolute shit? It was dwarfed by DKR!
KevinBoo69: Since when was I on trial here? I don't see what all the fuss is about. I'm to going add more banners when I get a chance, so that the one won't look so out of place, and you can all quit complaining about it.
JWhalls64: And how does that fix the problem?
KevinBoo69: I just told you! It won't look out of place anymore.
JWhalls64: Not that problem. I'm talking about the one where we sell our integrity to the highest bidder.
KevinBoo69: They weren't the highest bidder, they were the only one. And regardless, I'm comfortable with it. I'm getting free stuff. You're the ones who look like assholes.
DnTn31: How do you figure?
KevinBoo69: You're supporting a site that gives you nothing while the owner is reaping the rewards.
DnTn31: You know, Booth, it wouldn't be too hard to get the staff to go on strike. Then you could have all your sponsor gifts and do all the work on the site.
KevinBoo69: Now let's relax a bit here. No need to get hasty.
DnTn31: Oh, afraid to do a little work for once, eh?
KevinBoo69: No. More afraid of our sponsors finding out that I'm not the only one who does the work.
DnTn31: Why would they think that?
KevinBoo69: Oh, no reason...
DnTn31: Is that what you've been telling them?
KevinBoo69: ...
DnTn31: You bastard! Walter Day is the one who spent $250 on you, right? Does he know that you've been screwing your staff over?
WalterDay has entered the room.
JWhalls64: Speak of the Devil...
Hades666 has entered the room.
Hades666: Yes?
JWhalls64: Who are you?
Hades666: Jesus freakin' Christ, I'm the Devil!
JWhalls64: Uh...okay. And why are you here? You're kind of interrupting an important conversation.
Hades666: I'm interrupting? How about you're interrupting. I was summoned by you, after all.
JWhalls64: No, you're mistaken. I don't want anything to do with you. That was just a figure of speech.
Hades666: Listen you little pissant, I've got more important things to do that shoot the shit with some geeks. Lots of people out there want to sell their souls right now. If you don't need my services, don't bother me.
JWhalls64: I didn't mean to...
Hades666: Ohhhh, likely excuse. Look, I'm a busy guy. If you don't want anything for your soul, then I've got to be going. I mean, just look at this list...
Hades666: "I would sell my soul for a Klondike Bar." - Jesus Christ, Heaven
Hades666: "I would sell my soul for a bigger penis." - Kevin Booth, Oregon
Hades666: "I would sell my soul for a real line in this conversation." - Eric Habrich, Wherever Eric Habrich Is From 
Hades666: "We would sell our souls to be NTSC players." - PAL, The Bad Countries
Hades666: That's a lot of damn traveling. I've got to be going.
KevinBoo69: Wait, Satan!
Hades666: Actually, that's not my name.
KevinBoo69: Oh?
Hades666: Yeah, it's Stan. Damn typo has plagued me for aeons.
JWhalls64: Stan?
Hades666: Yeah, you have a problem with that?
JWhalls64: No, no, not at all. Sweet name.
S007Myles has entered the room.
S007Myles: I like it!
S007Myles has left the room.
KevinBoo69: Anyway...Stan...do you play Kart?
Hades666: Hell yes!
KevinBoo69: You any good?
Hades666: Actually, that's an issue I have with your site. See, by your ranks, I would be a Kart God. That's unacceptable. Any chance you could change that to something more fitting? Say, Kart Antichrist?
JWhalls64: Well, that depends.
Hades666: On what?
JWhalls64: Would you sell your soul to us?
Hades666: Oh, ha ha ha. Like I've never heard that one before. Who writes your jokes, you unoriginal bastard? Anyway, I'm serious. Change it or I'll send my Legions of Doom to your house.
JWhalls64: Legions of Doom? Is that some kind of lame metal band?
Hades666: Actually, yes. No point in killing you. I'd rather just annoy you into submission with god-awful music.
JWhalls64: Shit. That backfired.
Hades666: So what is the decision?
KevinBoo69: We'll think about it.
KevinBoo69: It would really help if you became a member before you made demands with our ranking system.
Hades666: True. I have always aspired to become a full-fledged member of the page.
JWhalls64: Lame...
Hades666: Hammers of Hell, Whalls!
DnTn31: HEY!
Hades666: Speaking of that, I don't recall ever giving you expressed written consent to use that line, Jones.
DnTn31: What are you talking about? I'm the one who made it up!
Hades666: Yeah? My lawyer doesn't seem to think so, and Judge Judy is one of my dark minions, so you should be advised against ever using it again.
DnTn31: I guess that explains why she's such a bitch.
Louis767: You know, I always preferred Judge Joe Brown.
JWhalls64: Is that even on anymore?
Louis767: I'm not sure.
KevinBoo69: The People's Court is where it's at.
JWhalls64: You know, I never really liked how they would cut away on that show and ask random morons from the street what they thought was going to happen. Who cares what these people think?
KevinBoo69: Occasionally they do offer some good insight, though. You should give it a chance, Whalls.
JWhalls64: Well, either way, it all boils down to Bobby-Joe owing Susie-Ray some money 'cause she can't pay her trailer rent. Does it actually matter what happens?
Hades666: STOP WITH THE MINDLESS BABBLE!
Hades666: What is it that I have to do to join the site?
KevinBoo69: Well, if you want to become a member, we need a full name, Stan. What's your last name?
Hades666: Gelbaugh.
Louis767: What?
Hades666: Don't make me repeat it, alright.
Louis767: Is this Mike Simmons again?
Hades666: Hell no. In fact, I have a bone to pick with him. I was well on my way to getting admittance into the site, and then he goes and takes credit for my work.
DnTn31: So you're saying Simmons wasn't behind that?
Hades666: No, and it cost me a damn lot of time. I got all depressed. Ended up staying in my room and crying for a few days. My mom kept bitching at me.
Hades666: "You need to come out of your room!"
Hades666: "Take out the garbage!"
Hades666: "Dinner's ready!"
Hades666: "Leave me alone, Mom," I'd say, "I'm angst-filled and depressed!"
JWhalls64: hehe
Hades666: It's not funny!
JWhalls64: Sorry.
Hades666: Anyway, I've been trying to get my revenge, but so far I've been unsuccessful.
Louis767: What form of revenge are you shooting for?
Hades666: The same one as always....trying to burn him alive.
DnTn31: And what's stopping you?
Hades666: He's a big swimmer and I'm scared to death of pools.
JWhalls64: Somehow, you're less intimidating that I imagined you to be.
Hades666: Shut up! I don't just have control over the Legions of Doom, but also Styx!
KevinBoo69: Styx? Is this about the river of the band?
Hades666: The band.
KevinBoo69: So they sold their souls too?
Hades666: Duh. How else would they get so popular? I mean, Mr. Roboto is cute the first two or three times you hear it and then it's just obnoxious.
KevinBoo69: Anyway, you said your times were Kart God rank, right?
Hades666: No, Kart Antichrist.
KevinBoo69: Whatever. Anyway, according to our new proof policy you'll be required to send us a VHS tape, or some other acceptable form of proof.
Hades666: Eh...that might be a problem...
KevinBoo69: Why?
Hades666: Well, stuff I touch has a tendency to catch fire and/or melt.
JWhalls64: So you're kinda like the flaming King Midas, huh?
Hades666: What are you trying to say?
JWhalls64: Nothing...just that you catch stuff on fire...
Hades666: Oh...
JWhalls64: ...and you like men. Hot men.
Hades666: Burn in hell, Whalls!
KevinBoo69: Give it a rest you two!
Louis767: So, if stuff melts, then how can you play N64 without ruining the controller and system?
Hades666: I had my elves make me a special one.
DnTn31: Your elves?
Louis767: Don't you mean your demons?
Hades666: No, my elves. What's so damn strange?
DnTn31: Well, elves seem like an odd selection for you. I mean, Santa has elves, but that's the North Pole, not Hell.
Hades666: Well, as it turns out, Santa is another of those misspellings that have been following me around for far too long.
Louis767: So you're Santa as well?
Hades666: Yeah.
Louis767: This makes no sense.
Hades666: Oh come on, think about it. Children are the easiest to get to sell their souls. I just show them the Pam and Tommy Lee dolls or whatever newfangled toy they want. Wham, bam, thank you ma'am. New soul.
DnTn31: Well, I suppose that does make sense but...Pam and Tommy Lee dolls?
Hades666: Oh yeah, really popular. Super flexible, interlocking toys. They're all the rage now. Clothes aren't included though.
DnTn31: Naturally.
Hades666: Actually guys, and keep this secret, the Tommy Lee doll is just a modified Stretch Armstrong. I'll give you two guesses how it's modified.
Hades666: And as for the Pam doll, that's just Breast Implant Barbie.
Hades666: Oooh, got another person wanting to sell their soul...
Hades666: "I would sell my soul for a Tommy Lee doll" - Kevin Booth, Oregon
KevinBoo69: Uh...um...
Hades666: "and a Pam doll too, I guess, but only if it's free. Phew, saved my ass there!" - Kevin Booth, Oregon
KevinBoo69: We're off topic again.
Louis767: Getting a little anxious, Booth?
KevinBoo69: No, I just like my chats focused, that's all.
KevinBoo69: Anyway, if your elves can make you a special N64 and a controller, then they could surely make you a special VCR and VHS tape, right?
Hades666: I suppose so, but they do have a union...
JWhalls64: A union?
Hades666: Yeah, Local 666. A real pain in the neck. They keep telling me that I keep the temperature in the offices up too high, or that they're underpaid, or that I'm working them too hard, or that I keep fondling the asses of the younger, sexier employees. In short, if I want something done, I'd be damn near as well off doing it myself. And of course, I don't operate VCRs well. Last time I tried to work one, I ended up spilling piping hot coffee all over myself. That burns like a bitch.
Hades666: I wanted to try suing McDonald's, but unfortunately, I ended up getting Keanu Reeves as my lawyer. Next thing you know I'm cast in one of his crap movies. He's all like, "Whoa!" And frankly, that just pissed me off. I don't care if he's Neo or not. I just started wailing on him right there. Right on the set. Kicked his ass something fierce. But, of course, that got me booted off the movie, and they got Al Pacino to replace me. Talk about washed up.
JWhalls64: What in the hell are you talking about?
KevinBoo69: So are you going to be able to get some proof in?
Hades666: I'll see what I can work out.
KevinBoo69: Well, you have until the deadline to get your proof in. Until then, you're good with us.
Hades666: When is the deadline?
KevinBoo69: I don't know.
Hades666: What?
KevinBoo69: I just make this shit up as I go. I talk all tough about how the rules are changing, but really it's all on a whim. 
KevinBoo69: Anyway Stan, we're almost all set with the information we need to get you a profile up and running. All we need now is your location. I'm not entirely sure what to put there...is it Hell? Or the North Pole?
JWhalls64: Well, there is a Hell, Michigan.
Hades666: Nope, I'm not from there. Besides, you'd know if I was from Michigan. I'd be writing cheesy joke conversations.
KevinBoo69: Okay, so the North Pole then?
Hades666: Nah, that's too far from the people.
DnTn31: That's true, you would want easy access to souls.
Hades666: Yep, that's why I chose the soul selling capital of the world.
DnTn31: I feel a cheap joke coming on...
Louis767: Glen Ridge, New Jersey?
Hades666: Correct! Hell on Earth.
DnTn31: Why am I not surprised?
KevinBoo69: Have you ever met Neil Marsden? 
Hades666: Never heard of him.
KevinBoo69: Well, it was worth a shot, I suppose. Maybe some day we'll find out what the deal with him is.
DnTn31: That sounds like foreshadowing...
JWhalls64: Shut up, Mark.
KevinBoo69: Okay Stan, one final thing and we'll be good to go. 
KevinBoo69: All your submissions must be sent to our eGroups account. Once we get your times in, we'll get you ranked.
Hades666: Why do I have to submit to eGroups?
KevinBoo69: Because you're not Whalls.
Hades666: Fair enough. Time for me to get to work.
Hades666 has left the room.
Umyoguy has entered the room.
Louis767: Hey, speaking of that, why don't you submit your times to eGroups, Whalls?
Umyoguy: Yeah, just submit your times to eGroups, Whalls.
JWhalls64: Where'd you come from, Jon?
Umyoguy: Listen, I don't have time for this shit, Jason. You have to send the stuff to eGroups, or it isn't getting updated.
JWhalls64: What?
Umyoguy: SAVE ME SOME FUCKING TIME, THAT'S WHAT!
Umyoguy: Jesus Christ, Whalls!
Umyoguy: Do you know how much junk mail I get in a day?
JWhalls64: What are you talking about, Jon?
Umyoguy: Take a guess.
JWhalls64: We've already been through this. I didn't care last time, and I sure as hell don't care now.
Umyoguy: FOURTEEN THOUSAND!!!!!!!
Umyoguy: Shit in my inbox gets lost! 
JWhalls64: Jon
Umyoguy: What?
JWhalls64: I haven't sent you an e-mail in years.
Umyoguy: That's not the point.
Umyoguy: The point is that you need to quit being a bitch and just send your times to eGroups.
JWhalls64: I don't play Kart 64 anymore, Jon.
Umyoguy: Oh.
JWhalls64: And you're not the "historian" anymore. 
Umyoguy: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you talking about?
JWhalls64: Kevin came back to work on it. 
Umyoguy: No he didn't. I've been busting my ass keeping everything up to date on acmecity.
KevinBoo69: We're not on acmecity anymore, Jon. We moved from there a long time ago. We're at MarioKart64.com now.
Umyoguy: WHAT?
KevinBoo69: Yeah, check it out.
Umyoguy: WHY THE HELL DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?
KevinBoo69: I did. I sent you an e-mail a long time ago.
Umyoguy: Jesus Christ, Booth!
Umyoguy: Take a guess how many e-mails I get in my inbox daily.
KevinBoo69: We already covered this.
Umyoguy: FOUR HUNDRED AND SEVENTY SIX THOUSAND!!!!!!!!
Umyoguy: Shit in my inbox gets lost!
KevinBoo69: Okay, well, it's pretty clear you're just pulling numbers out of your ass now.
KevinBoo69: Still, that's not my problem, Jon. I'm sorry you kept working on the site alone for months, but in our defense, we did try to warn you.
Umyoguy: Screw you guys. I step down.
KevinBoo69: From what? You haven't had a staff position in years.
Umyoguy: Burn in hell! I'm out of here. If you need to get in contact with me, you know my e-mail address.
Umyoguy has left the room.
Hades666 has entered the room.
Hades666: Did someone say hell?
Louis767: False alarm.
Hades666: Alright. Later guys.
Hades666 has left the room.
WalterDay: Can I talk now? It has only been 2,259 words since I entered.
Louis767: Yeah, no kidding. What the hell are you doing Whalls? Did you forget about Day  like you did for Everett?
JWhalls64: No, I had this one planned like this.
Louis767: Sure ya did.
JWhalls64: No, really. It's just that Stan showed up, and he talked a lot longer than I had expected. Things just got a little out of hand, that's all. Anyway, sorry Walter.
Louis767: Wait a minute, I didn't know Walter had instant messenger...
JWhalls64: That didn't stop Lacey from showing up, now did it?
Louis767: Good point.
JWhalls64: So what brings you here today, Walter?
WalterDay: Well, first of all, for those that don't know me, I'm Walter Day, the chief referee at Twin Galaxies and the one behind all the attempts at professional sounding quotes in our "press releases". I like piña coladas, getting caught in the rain, and reminiscing about when my site had any significance in the gaming community.
WalterDay: I'm here on a few pieces of business today. First and foremost, we at TG are making another push toward completing the second edition of our book. I'm hoping to get more members on my site and into the book, and since MarioKart64.com is arguably more popular than my site to begin with, I thought I'd look to you guys first. Anyone here want to become a member?
DnTn31: No, and don't try to get me to, either.
WalterDay: Why? What's the matter?
DnTn31: A buddy of mine joined Twin Galaxies once. Three years later, he woke up one morning
DnTn31: BAM!
DnTn31: Herpes.
WalterDay: Well, while it is true that Twin Galaxies does cause herpes, the odds are low.
DnTn31: It's not just herpes though. Another buddy of mine got Hepatitis TG. There isn't a cure for that. Thankfully for him though, the pain is often delayed for weeks or months at a time.
JWhalls64: You know, I was wondering why my liver hurt...
WalterDay: Whatever. If you don't want to join, that's okay. Not like you'd get any coverage anyway. We're too busy talking about the early 80s.
KevinBoo69: So did you have some other topics to discuss, Walt?
WalterDay: Yes, two more things.
WalterDay: First, do stripes make me look bloated? Tell the truth, guys. I'm at a lot of events, and I don't want to look like a jackass.
JWhalls64: Too late.
Louis767: You know, I kind of like dots.
WalterDay: Yeah, that was my initial idea. I was going to be known as Walter Day, chief video game judging clown. I'd run around the arcade honking a horn. It was all good fun. Then someone suggested that dressing up like a referee would be a bit more professional.
JWhalls64: No, you still look like a clown.
WalterDay: Okay, final issue. I want my $250 back, Kevin. I had to delay the book multiple times because of your slow ass. Nerds everywhere are raging pissed about it. Maybe if you would've shared it among your staff, the work would've gotten done sooner, and everything would've worked out. I don't know why I ever sponsored you.
WalterDay: Well, I've got to be going. See you, everyone.
WalterDay: Love you, Kev. XOXO
WalterDay has left the room.
DnTn31: Well, I guess that issue is finished now. See Booth, working together with your people produces better results.
KevinBoo69: Well, I'm not sure if I can break ties with Namco.
DnTn31: Why is that?
KevinBoo69: Stobbe would be pissed. Xenosaga is made by them, and I stand a chance to get a free copy of Episode 2 when it comes out. Just the mention of that caused him to have multiple orgasms.
KevinBoo69: He hasn't shut up about the game since they released the first screens of it. Have you looked at those, Whalls?
JWhalls64: Nope.
KevinBoo69: Well, Tyler recommends that you do.
JWhalls64: Why would I care what he recommends? I don't trust his taste in games. Xenosaga Episode 1 was horrible. Just thinking about the game pisses me off.
Starcraft Squall has entered the room.
Starcraft Squall: You know, Whalls, if you have something to say about my taste in games, you can at least have the respect, and the testicular fortitude, to say it to my face.
Starcraft Squall has left the room.
JWhalls64: Thanks for CPing any questionable line I ever have, Booth.
KevinBoo69: Hey, that's my job. If I can get someone pissed at you, I have to jump on the opportunity. That's what friends are for, right?
JWhalls64: Not last I checked.
KevinBoo69: Oh well. That's what they should be for.
NeilMarsden has entered the room.
DnTn31: See Whalls, I told you it was foreshadowing!
NeilMarsden: Hello everybody!
Louis767: Is this really Neil?
NeilMarsden: Yes, I know I never show up online, but given recent events and things that have been said about me, I thought it would be good to get the facts straight.
NeilMarsden: Kevin, you in particular have been on the offensive. I can't understand why you insist on sullying my good name (and Brian Gallo's, at that) by saying I'm a fictional creation of Gallo's. It pains me to think that you have so little faith in your fellow man. I mean, I even sent you a proof tape!
KevinBoo69: You have to look at it from my perspective, though. We run an online community, and for a high ranked member to never even show up seems a bit bizarre. As for your proof tape, it showed little that couldn't be potentially faked by Gallo, and regardless it was extremely far behind what you were claiming at the time. Plus, it's not like Glen Ridge has the best of reputations, and even the people from there claim to have never heard of you...
NeilMarsden: That's still no excuse for the self-proclaimed leader of the most prominent Mario Kart 64 site on the web to go around accusing people of not existing with insufficient evidence.
KevinBoo69: I suppose you have a case, but what is it you hope to gain out of all of this?
NeilMarsden: I want to be reinserted into the site.
KevinBoo69: Well, I suppose I do owe you that much.
JWhalls64: Whoa, are you feeling alright, Booth? Usually when you make some kind of mistake, I have to bug you about it for a few weeks straight before you finally decide to recognize that I'm right, and then a couple years down the road you actually get around to fixing it.
KevinBoo69: He's not asking me to ban PAL though, Whalls.
JWhalls64: Regardless, I was right on that issue, and you know it. Those dirty foreigners are going to ruin everything.
KevinBoo69: Anyway, I still have your profile stuff saved, so I'll just reinsert it into the database.
KevinBoo69: Done! Welcome back, Neil!
NeilMarsden: HAHAHA! You fell for it!
KevinBoo69: Fell for what?
NeilMarsden: I'm just yankin' ya, Booth. This is Gallo.
NeilMarsden is now known as Himerman.
Himerman: Oh man, that was awesome. The look on your emoticon was classic, Kev.
KevinBoo69: So you're not really Neil?
Himerman: Nah, Neil doesn't even exist. I made him up...just like the moon landing and the holocaust. 
JWhalls64: Hey, alright. Another suspect showing by a Glen Ridger.
Himerman: That's 26 for Hey, Alright!
KevinBoo69: What is it you want now, Brian? Didn't you already cover every conceivable piece of your questionable history in the last chat?
Himerman: Yes, but today I'm here to clear my name. I'm ready to answer all the tough questions. Hold nothing back.
KevinBoo69: Okay, well, I think it's best to start at the top.
KevinBoo69: What the hell have you been thinking for the past 5 years?
Himerman: Pass.
KevinBoo69: You can't pass.
Himerman: Sure I can. Your question didn't meet the qualifications. I said "tough" questions, not "impossible."
KevinBoo69: Okay, I'll scale it down a bit. Why didn't you send a tape?
Himerman: We've been over this. I did send a tape.
KevinBoo69: I never got it then.
Himerman: Of course not, I didn't send it to you.
KevinBoo69: Who'd you send it to?
Himerman: Banks.
JWhalls64: Here we go again.
KevinBoo69: Who's Banks anyway?
Himerman: Some guy I made up.
KevinBoo69: And you sent him a tape?
Himerman: Well, no. I made that up too. But I really did pretend to send it. If you really want it, I suppose I could ask Banks to send it back.
KevinBoo69: This questioning doesn't seem to be working.
Himerman: Seems fine to me.
KevinBoo69: Well, how about we just switch to you telling us what it is you want?
Himerman: Actually, I was looking to get reinstated on the site.
KevinBoo69: And where did you get the idea that we'd go for that?
Himerman: I don't think my initial deletion was fair.
KevinBoo69: You ignored every request we had for proof tapes!
Himerman: But there are lots of things that speak in my favor as well. You have to take the good with the bad!
KevinBoo69: Since you'll probably do it anyway, you might as well give your reasoning.
Himerman: Okay. First, there are multiple people who have either played with me or will vouch for me.
KevinBoo69: Names?
Himerman: Milo.
KevinBoo69: Fair enough. Milo did say that he met you, so I guess that really does go in your favor. Who else?
Himerman: Batastini.
KevinBoo69: Eh...that's a little shakey since he's from your hometown. I suppose the fact that he's somewhat respected around the community lends a little backbone to your case. More?
Himerman: Marsden.
KevinBoo69: You just admitted to making him up.
Himerman: Yeah, I know, but what I'm saying is that before you all knew that he was fake, he was a huge supporter of me.
KevinBoo69: No he wasn't. He wasn't ever online.
Himerman: I meant he would've been a huge supporter.
DnTn31: You're not really helping your case, Brian.
Himerman: JONES!
Himerman: Jones shows me unwavering support, and I didn't even have to make him up or perform any sexual favors.
DnTn31: But you promised! Don't hold out on me now!
Himerman: Not now, damn it!
KevinBoo69: Well, Jones is a staff member now, so I suppose he'll have a little bit of sway in the issue. Did you have anything besides character witnesses?
Himerman: There was that MMF dex drive ghost that I gave you...
KevinBoo69: True, that was a good enough run to prove you at a high level. Still, it was only 1 run, and there are many other courses that your times have been in question on. DKJP, for instance. You have never told us what you do there.
Himerman: It doesn't really matter what I do there anymore. Since the time that you kicked me off the site, it seems that people have finally figured out how to do what I was doing. Being ahead of the curve is a punishable offense?
KevinBoo69: Alright Gallo, you may have a point. I might have been a bit unfair in my deletion process, so give me some time to think it over, and we might get you back on the site.
Himerman: Okay, I'll be back in a little while to hear your verdict.
Himerman has left the room.
LAUNDA has entered the room.
DnTn31: Hey, you got your old screen name back, huh?
LAUNDA: Back? I never lost it.
Louis767: Why'd you start using marioking97 then?
LAUNDA: That's why I'm here. I don't know who it was, but some bastard has been pretending to be me.
JWhalls64: Hmm...that's exactly what he says of you.
LAUNDA: Yeah, I've read his excuses. What a bunch of crap. He just stopped showing up online for 5 years? At the height of the internet, I don't think so.
JWhalls64: Yeah, that does seem a bit odd. Of course, he did send a proof tape and brought you back into the good graces of the community...why would you be mad about that?
LAUNDA: Duh! I'm not #1. And since when did I care about the community? 
KevinBoo69: You seemed alright in 1997.
LAUNDA: Well, the tape should've been the major clue that he is a phony. How many tapes did I send out in '97?
JWhalls64: One, I think.
LAUNDA: And was it any good?
JWhalls64: Booth?
KevinBoo69: Nope, it was crap. Completely outdated.
LAUNDA: Exactly. And how many tapes did I get?
KevinBoo69: Tons from me and a few from others.
LAUNDA: That's right. Even before there was a community, I was abusing my power. I don't understand why everyone insists on ruining my bad name. 
KevinBoo69: We can just reset your times back to where they were in 1997 then.
LAUNDA: No, I don't want to be ranked unless I'm #1.
KevinBoo69: We have no other option if you don't send a tape.
LAUNDA: Actually, I have nasty plan that I doubt you will approve of...
LAUNDA: Now I know that I can trust you, right?
KevinBoo69: You bet.
LAUNDA: Why can't you tell a little white lie and say that you got my tape?
KevinBoo69: A white lie?
LAUNDA: Yeah, I get the rank I want, you get the most super duperest world champion you ever had back, and no one is the wiser. It's a win for everyone.
KevinBoo69: People would get suspicious though, Andy. I mean, if I don't PR like mad because of seeing your "tape," then questions would surely be raised.
LAUNDA: I'm not following you.
KevinBoo69: Well, I'd have to retire or go underground. 
KevinBoo69: I can't go underground because I get too excited about my PRs. I have to tell someone, and frankly, my mom doesn't give a shit.
LAUNDA: Just retire then.
KevinBoo69: What would I get out of retiring though?
LAUNDA: You get to be the one to validate me for the final time. What better could come out of your retirement? Besides, how could anyone find out then?
KevinBoo69: Whalls would.
LAUNDA: How would he know?
KevinBoo69: He hears just about everything about me.
LAUNDA: Even the incident with the hamster, the hair dye and the whiffle ball?
KevinBoo69: Hell, he gave me the idea!
LAUNDA: Well, what does Whalls' opinion matter anyway? The little fucking whining baby, don't think I don't remember what he was like back in '97.
JWhalls64: You two do realize that this is a group chat, don't you?
LAUNDA: Ha ha! I'm just yankin' you guys. This is Gallo again.
LAUNDA is now known as Himerman.
DnTn31: Wait, you were the one behind the whole Launspach incident of 2000?
Himerman: Yeah, I totally fooled you guys, huh?
DnTn31: So is marioking97 really Andy, then?
Louis767: Must be.
Himerman: I've got to be going guys.
Himerman has left the room.
JWhalls64: Well, I suppose that kind of makes sense. I mean, Banks and Launspach were the only ones with enough gall to even claim Rainbow 6/6.
Louis767: Gall?
JWhalls64: Yeah, outrageous insolence.
Louis767: Oh, I thought you just misspelled Gallo.
JWhalls64: Well, I suppose it would make sense with that too.
marioking97 has entered the room.
KevinBoo69: Ah! The real Andy!
marioking97: Ha ha! I'm still just yankin' you guys. This is Brian again.
marioking97 is now known as Himerman.
KevinBoo69: So you stole Andy's SN and you created another?
Himerman: No, he just never existed.
DnTn31: Never existed?
Himerman: That's right. There is no Andy Launspach. He's completely made up. Just like Neil Marsden and Vietnam. 
KevinBoo69: So if he's made up, how did he send me a tape?
Himerman: Apparently you didn't watch that tape too closely. That's the one I sent for Marsden too.
KevinBoo69: That's why it seemed familiar!
Louis767: Wait a minute, this doesn't make sense. Didn't you actually go to Iowa and meet Andy, Kev?
KevinBoo69: Yeah, how do you explain that, Gallo?
Himerman: That was a tough one. I actually had to get out to Iowa to meet you. It was harder than hell convincing my parents to go too, and that's why they were so cold to you. 
Himerman: You can't really blame them, though. I mean, who wouldn't be pissed if they had to go to Iowa?
KevinBoo69: Point taken. 
Himerman: Anyway, that's why I wasn't there to pick you up at the train station too. We were running a bit behind, so we had to go straight to the house.
KevinBoo69: Okay, but how do you explain Engel then?
Himerman: He's real. He's the one who helped get me the place to stay in Iowa.
KevinBoo69: So you didn't make up Engel too?
Himerman: Nope. I did base Marsden off of him, however.
JWhalls64: That makes sense. Leader and sidekick. Launspach and Engel. Gallo and Marsden.
Himerman: Exactly.
KevinBoo69: Hmm, I guess we were all fooled then.
Himerman: Yep. So anyway, have you decided about whether or not you'll let me back on the site, Kevin?
KevinBoo69: Yeah, I've made my decision.
Himerman: So when should I expect to be back on?
KevinBoo69: Never. Whalls was right. Some people aren't worth the trouble having around, even if they are valid karters.
JWhalls64: See, this is what I'm talking about, Booth. A year after I say something to you, and you realize I'm right.
Himerman: Oh well, no big loss.
Louis767: You're not upset about being banned for life?
Himerman: Well, I might be banned, but that doesn't mean I don't have created people in the Player's List.
KevinBoo69: You have more?!
Himerman: Oh yeah. I'm not going to say who, but let's just say that if you think Jongerius is real, you need to check your head. Anyway, I've got to be going. Later folks!
Himerman has left the room.
DnTn31: Looks like the history books will have to be rewritten, huh?
KevinBoo69: Yep, but at least the truth is out.
Louis767: Yeah, thanks Whalls.
JWhalls64: Hey, I'm here to help.
AlexPenev1 has entered the room.
KevinBoo69: Hey Penev!
DnTn31: What brings you here?
AlexPenev1: I have a question for Whalls.
JWhalls64: Oh really?
AlexPenev1: Yeah, I wanted to know if Eric Habrich's success has changed your outlook on PAL players.
JWhalls64: Nope, I still think you're all bastards.
AlexPenev1: No, I meant do you think that the conversions are accurate now?
JWhalls64: Wait a minute, who is Eric Habrich?
KevinBoo69: #1 NTSC, #2 Overall. He was here earlier.
JWhalls64: Really? That high up there, huh?
AlexPenev1: Yep, he has done some impressive karting.
JWhalls64: What are you talking about? I was referring to how far up I had to scroll to find his section.
JWhalls64: Wait, you didn't think that I actually care what is going on with the conversion rates, did you?
AlexPenev1: Well, you have been one of the staunchest opposers to conversions throughout history...
JWhalls64: So why would my opinion change now?
AlexPenev1: Because an NTSC player got so highly ranked.
JWhalls64: Who did?
AlexPenev1: Eric Habrich.
JWhalls64: Who is that?
AlexPenev1: Nevermind.
JasonMiller has entered the room.
Louis767: What the...? Jason Miller?
DnTn31: Is this some kind of joke?
AlexPenev1: That name, though extraordinarily common, seems odd, almost like two karters fused into one.
JasonMiller: Hi guys! No, this isn't a joke of any kind. That's my real name.
Louis767: Wow!
DnTn31: Amazing!
AlexPenev1: I don't know why I'm surprised, given how extraordinarily common that name is, but I am!
JasonMiller: So how's everyone doing today?
Louis767: How's everyone doing, he asks!
DnTn31: Ha ha ha! Classic!
AlexPenev1: Oh man, this guy is hilarious!
Louis767: Yes, it's like an amazing combination of my favorite karter and that one guy from Australia!
AlexPenev1: Me?
Louis767: No, the other one.
DnTn31: Makepeace?
Louis767: No, the other, other one.
KevinBoo69: Kastanzan Shneizen?
Louis767: Close, but no. Nevermind.
JasonMiller: You mean Ben Miller? I'm not at all related to him.
Louis767: Maybe not, but the fact remains, you combine the witty humor, thoughtful insight and snappy fashion know-how of Whalls, and the...
Louis767: the...
Louis767: um...
Louis767: Well, you've got Ben Miller's last name.
DnTn31: My thoughts exactly!
JasonMiller: That's not very nice...
AlexPenev1: Yeah, we probably understated it a bit on Whalls' share.
BenWhalls has entered the room.
JWhalls64: What the hell? How'd my dog get in here?
BenWhalls: Bow wow!
DnTn31: Ha ha ha! Classic!
Louis767: Yes, he combines all the stinky, fuzzy, ass-sniffing antics of Miller and
Louis767: the...
Louis767: the...
Louis767: uh...
Louis767: Well, that about sums it up.
JasonMiller: You guys are screwed up. I'm out of here.
JasonMiller has left the room. (This site isn't big enough for 2 Millers)
JWhalls64: Anyway, I thought I told you to stay offline, Ben. Bad dog!
BenWhalls has been kicked from the room by JWhalls64. (Crazy ass-sniffing antics, I tell you)
AlexPenev1: Well people, I'm fresh out of material.
AlexPenev1 has left the room. (I would leave on a joke, but I'm Australian)
WashedUpGamer has entered the room.
WashedUpGamer: Word Racer?
Comeasur337 has entered the room.
Comeasur337: Racer?
KevinBoo69: AH! They're trying to take over!
WashedUpGamer has been kicked from the room by KevinBoo69.
Comeasur337 has been kicked from the room by KevinBoo69.
KevinBoo69: That was close!
DnTn31: Why do you always spaz and go on a blocking spree whenever a member from the-elite.net shows up in here?
KevinBoo69: I'll tell you why! They're trying to take over my community! I've seen them...eyeing it with thoughts of renaming it The Mario Kart Elite, and filling it with bad jokes, unrelated game rage pages and sloppy web design. Well, I won't let that happen! I took the message boards back from those monopolizing bastards, and now I'm taking my site back! Starting today, all the-elite.net members are banned from the site. In fact, I'm going to delete the Elite ranks altogether, and everyone in those ranks. I also command all members to burn an effigy of Clark daily!
DnTn31: You don't have the power to do that anymore, Booth.
KevinBoo69: I know.
Lil Munkie 78 has entered the room. 
KevinBoo69: That's why Chen is going to do it as his first act as CEO. Go for it, Chen!
Lil Munkie 78: Yes, Sir! I'll begin the deletion immediately.
Louis767: By the way, who is Comeasur337?
JWhalls64: Some bot. It plays word racer constantly, and repeatedly mentions "teh Woll"
Louis767: Oh.
Lil Munkie 78: Okay, Booth, we seem to have a problem.
KevinBoo69: Already?!
Lil Munkie 78: Well, here's what happened. I went to the file manager and I started looking for the-elite.net members in the list of files. Well, that was taking way too long to do manually, so I started looking around for a faster method. Wouldn't you know it, they have a feature that actually finds and deletes members for that site!
KevinBoo69: What?
Lil Munkie 78: All I had to do was click "Mark All" and then "D'elete." I'm not sure why they spelled De Elite that way, but from what I saw, it did delete the files of the people I had found. I just can't seem to get the main page to load now. Have you had any problems with the server lately?
DnTn31: Just you...
KevinBoo69: Goddamn you, Chen. Now I have to have someone upload all that shit again!
Lil Munkie 78: Hey, don't worry, Kevin. The new CEO is on the case. I've already e-mailed the host of our server multiple times, though they seem to insist that it's not their fault. 
Lil Munkie 78: Their rudeness is unacceptable, Kevin. As CEO of such an important site, I cannot stand for that. I told them if they don't get it fixed, we don't want their service.
KevinBoo69: You what?!
Lil Munkie 78: Oh! Just got his response. Let me copy and paste it here.
Lil Munkie 78: Dear MarioKart64.com CEO,

Our company policy was "The customer is always right," but after dealing with you, we are now rethinking that. Currently, we're leaning toward "Chen = Bad" and I think that covers all the bases. Please pack your crap up and get the hell off our servers before you cause serious damage.

Happy Holidays, 
Management
"Chen = Bad"
Lil Munkie 78: What can I say? Case closed. A marvelous showing in my first day as a CEO.
KevinBoo69: You know what? I don't even care anymore! This is why I wanted to get away in the first place! Bunch of incompetent community members. I'm sick of bailing all you guys out! What do I get in return? Huh? 
JWhalls64: Here we go again...
KevinBoo69: Nothing! That's what! No one joins my business, no one sends me money, no one comes over to my house for casual sex. Why should I have to deal with this shit?
WashedUpGamer has entered the room.
WashedUpGamer: Hey guys! I was recently looking at some websites and noticed that yours was down. Sad state of affairs that is! So, I decided to remedy the situation. You now are based off of the-elite.net servers!
WashedUpGamer: You can't use the MarioKart64.com URL though. Your new URL will be http://www.the-elite.net/PagesOfRelativeUnimportance/PerfectDarkAndGoldeneye>MarioKart64/MarioDerekClarkRulesKart64.html
DnTn31: That doesn't seem like a very reasonably sized web address.
WashedUpGamer: Short, no, but complex. Your URL defines your site, I always say. For instance, your site is deep, with layer upon layer of statistics, rankings, and multimedia. That kind of depth is something you want to showcase, and a complex URL does just that.
Louis767: Actually, I thought MarioKart64.com did the job pretty well...
WashedUpGamer: No, a short URL such as that says "This site lacks content" and "I don't know how to use subdirectories."
KevinBoo69: You damn Elitists need to leave my site alone. I already told you that you can't have it! We'll go back to Geocities or Angelfire before we take your offer.
WashedUpGamer: Actually Booth, that's an issue for the CEO.
Lil Munkie 78: I kinda like it, Kevin. I've always dreamed of combining the-elite.net and mariokart64.com for the ideal time trialing supersite.
WashedUpGamer: Then it's settled.
WashedUpGamer: You know what to do, Chen.
WashedUpGamer has left the room.
Lil Munkie 78: Alright, well, since we're now part of The Elite, we'll have to make some changes so that everything is uniform between the sites.
DnTn31: Like?
Lil Munkie 78: First of all, you will all have to pick a nickname to use on the site.
DnTn31: What's wrong with the way we have it set up now?
Lil Munkie 78: Too professional. We like our members to be able to hide behind their nicknames. That way, you never feel like you're actually talking to a real person, and every conversation and message board post can seamlessly evolve into a childish name calling session.
Louis767: And why would that be better?
Lil Munkie 78: Because you touch yourself at night. PwNeD!!!!!!!
DnTn31: This whole idea sounds pretty stupid. What incentive would we ever have to make this change?
Lil Munkie 78: You know, I don't think you're showing me the proper respect. I'm the CEO, damn it!
DnTn31: You still haven't given us a convincing reason as to why this change would be favorable.
Lil Munkie 78: It'd be favorable because you have no other option. 
DnTn31: How do you figure?
Lil Munkie 78: If you don't give me the respect I deserve, I'll delete the site! I'm the only one with the password for it, you know.
KevinBoo69: History repeats itself.
JWhalls64: Yep, Horwitz returns.
Lil Munkie 78: Crap, you guys figured it out.
Lil Munkie78 is now known as Moo1517.
KevinBoo69: So why'd you make up Chen, Matt?
Moo1517: I knew that with the website incident, I'd never get another staff position, so I had to make someone up in order to get a chance to make things right.
KevinBoo69: Make what right?
Moo1517: Mainly my tape issue and the deletion of the site.
KevinBoo69: Yeah?
Moo1517: Well, as you can probably tell, I have a little problem with deleting things. Anyway, the site deletion at Angelfire was a big mistake.
KevinBoo69: Yeah, I'd say.
Moo1517: Hear me out. What happened was that I wanted to upgrade the site and surprise you all, but I accidentally uploaded the wrong files and the whole site was ruined, so I decided that it would be best to just start off fresh. That's why I deleted the site.
Moo1517: Well, then Puff got all pissy about it, and I realized that it would be best if I just tried starting over as Chen.
KevinBoo69: Okay, I guess I'll accept that, seeing how it isn't the first created person I've found out about today. What happened with your tape then?
Moo1517: I deleted it.
JWhalls64: What? No punch line?
Moo1517: I don't have a funny excuse, but I really needed to address that issue.
KevinBoo69: Alright, well, you still had one more chance to prove yourself. Why didn't you visit Whalls? You were only 10 miles away!
Moo1517: Why would I want to visit Whalls, though?
KevinBoo69: To get validated...
Moo1517: I know, but really, Whalls wouldn't know Kart talent if it kicked him in the ass. Six years and only Legend B? It's like Mike Klass' career extrapolated. 
Moo1517: Plus, he mistreated Gallo in his first fake chat.
JWhalls64: For someone who hasn't had much to do with Kart in the past year or so, Gallo sure is a hot topic today. What's with this?
Moo1517: Ha ha! I'm just yankin' ya. This is Gallo.
Moo1517 is now known as Himerman.
JWhalls64: This is becoming an epidemic. Anyone else in here Brian Gallo?
Louis767: Yeah.
Louis767 is now known as Himerman.
JWhalls64: You too, Louis?
Himerman: Yep.
JWhalls64: But how did you sound so convincingly Canadian, Brian?
Himerman: Alcohol.
JWhalls64: I suppose that explains Mr. Plant and Olga the Cow, but what about the French?
Himerman: I got by on that because you're an idiot.
JWhalls64: But I took two years of French!
Himerman: Then you must not have learned a damn thing. I've been speaking Spanish.
JWhalls64: I guess skipping all that homework was a bad idea.
JWhalls64: You've been awful quiet lately, Jones. Doesn't any of this spark some kind of reaction?
DnTn31: Nope.
DnTn31 is now known as Himerman.
JWhalls64: Okay, I don't understand this one. 
JWhalls64: Launspach was for shots at the #1 rank.
JWhalls64: Horwitz and Chen were because you wanted a staff position, or just to randomly delete stuff, whichever.
JWhalls64: Marsden was apparently because you needed a sidekick.
JWhalls64: Sabbagh was for when you get drunk.
JWhalls64: Why Jones?
Himerman: Simple. With all the hours I was putting in running my group of fake people for the Kart 64 site, I knew that trying to expand to MK:SC and MK:DD would be stretch me too thin. I knew that I had to kill off those two communities as fast as possible. That's where Jones comes in.
JWhalls64: Ah, that explains why it was Gallo and Jones on the MK:SC site. Why not have Jones take the fall for the failure of MK:SC, though, instead of taking it yourself?
Himerman: My reputation was already going downhill, so I needed to make sure someone would be around for MK:DD.
JWhalls64: I guess I understand, but why are you worried about stretching yourself out too much? You didn't have to expand to the MK:SC and MK:DD communities.
Himerman: Sure I did. My job is to keep you contained.
JWhalls64: Me?
KevinBoo69: Have you figured it out yet, Whalls?
JWhalls64: What? Are you Gallo too?
KevinBoo69 is now known as Himerman.
Himerman: That was the easy part. But have you figured out this situation?
JWhalls64: No...
Himerman: Have you ever seen The Truman Show?
JWhalls64: Yeah.
Himerman: It's kind of like that. You see, the internet was created for you, Jason.
JWhalls64: That's not what I heard.
Himerman: What you have been told and what is real are two different things.
Himerman: Al Gore invented the internet around the time that you were born. It was then decided that you would be the test subject for a government study on the human psyche in cyberspace. 
JWhalls64: So why is it that you're telling me this now instead of continuing to deceive me and study?
Himerman: Well, we ran into a problem with your psyche.
JWhalls64: What is that?
Himerman: It's not funny, but you insist on believing that it is. While we spent vast amounts of time and money in this project, we never anticipated you using this medium as a posting ground for all these bibles and fake chats and what have you. Telling you the truth was the only way we could see to bring an end to it.
JWhalls64: Well, the reactions to my first chat were resoundingly positive. It doesn't seem like you were trying that hard to dissuade me from writing more.
Himerman: We had many strategies. For the first chat, we were hoping that by showing extreme support for your writing, you would feel like you couldn't match the success of it. That, of course, failed miserably.
JWhalls64: What else did you try?
Himerman: Lots of small things. We tried giving you the VP position in hopes that you would feel obligated to do some actual work, and you wouldn't have the time to write these "jokes"...if you can even call them that.
JWhalls64: I see. That's why Booth never even bothered asking me if I wanted that position.
Himerman: Exactly. 
JWhalls64: It all makes sense now.
JWhalls64: Still, it's pretty amazing. The entire internet created solely for me...that's pretty sweet.
Himerman: Yeah, about that...
Himerman: As I told you, it was a huge failure. And, like almost every failure, we lost lots of money.
JWhalls64: I'm sorry to hear that.
Himerman: Yeah, you should be. We'll be sending you the bill.
JWhalls64: So what are we looking at? $50? $60?
Himerman: About 56 billion dollars. At your current salary, you should have it paid off in about 2.8 million years. And that's if you invest wisely and develop a strong taste for Top Ramen.
JWhalls64: You know, that gives me a great idea for a new fake chat!
Himerman: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
You have been blocked from #MarioKart64 by Himerman. (Please God, Let It End)

I think that's just about enough.

A little history here. This chat was initially inspired by Tim Everett. He was working on a sequel to my first chat as well, and when he told me the basic rundown of what happened in the chat, an idea of his caught my attention. He had thought about Chen taking the file manager and deleting it because of the similarity between "The Elite" and "Delete". This seemed like a good idea to me. Tim went along with his story, but I was tempted to run a different path with the same starting point.

The next day at work, I remembered Tim's line, and, since my job didn't require complex actions that day, I daydreamed for a while about what I would have happen from there. One thing led to another, and somehow, one of the people in my head (yes, that's where you all exist) said "Speak of the Devil". That, of course, brought about the introduction of Satan, the counter to Jesus in the first conver, so it made sense. When I took a break that day, I started writing out my thoughts, starting from "Speak of the Devil" and eventually, over a couple of days worth of 15 minute breaks, I had over a thousand words worth of writing.

I started really considering a chat sequel at that point. Hey, if I can write 1,000 like it's nothing, why not write a whole chat? Well, it didn't work out like that. When I started brainstorming, nothing was coming to mind. I haven't been around Kart much lately, so my material was running dry.

However, thankfully (or not, if you don't like this), Louis managed to spark a little interest in me when I was nearly ready to forget about the idea. He gave me a couple small ideas, and before you know it, I had what I judged to be enough material to maybe match the length of the first chat (6,470 words).

Writing it was an entirely different story. I was motivated at times, and got a lot done (nearly 5,000 words) in probably about a week or two. Then lots of great games came out (late October, early November was definitely the hot time of the year, game-wise), so my focus turned elsewhere. Mario Kart: Double Dash!! came out around this time as well, and since I just don't like that game, and it further reduced my interest in writing a Kart-based chat.

However, as I had been talking to Louis about it for weeks, I said I would do my best to get it done by Christmas, so here I am on December 24th at 4:45 PM trying to fulfill that. The last week has been especially crazy, as I've been almost too tired to write when I get home from work, but I'm managed to get it done somehow. I can only hope that the hours and hours I spent on this weren't all in vain. I know this chat exceeded my wildest expectations in terms of length. This one weighs in at over 12,000 words, nearly TWICE as long as the first chat, and this one doesn't have the cheap words like Booth saying things like "sajfkldjaf" or an away message that repeats multiple times. In terms of actual content, this one probably is twice as long.

I'm not sure if this chat is as good as the first one or not. There is surely a lot more, but I'm not sure if it's as funny as the first one. I suppose being new makes everything in the first one funnier, and detracts from this one. However, I do think that this one is a more mature, more story-driven (focused) chat, instead of the fragmented piece of work that the first one was. Both have their own merits, I believe, and I hope you all feel the same way.

Now, before I wrap this up, I would like to mention the important things that didn't make the cut (due largely to time constrains, or the fact that I'm not creative enough).

First, one of the things that initially inspired me to write this chat in the first place, was Louis' idea of having himself, Laflamme and Dubrieul speaking French and annoying the hell out of the chat participants. This was ultimately cut because I couldn't think of anything worth saying that Louis could translate into French for me. The idea does have massive potential though, and even though it's not in here, it was an integral part of this chat.

Secondly, and finally, I wanted to have some kind of PAL section. However, what is there to say anymore? I had one approach to it that I would've used, but it would've required serious editing of images, and TONS of time, so I decided to pass on it in favor of the easy stuff. You got away easy here, PALies.

Now, time to wrap this up. I spoke to my lawyers, and they informed me that I'm not legally contracted to say this, but it seems important to me...

Kart 64 = Chicks.

That said, I can finally get some rest. Drop me a line, or an essay, or whatever, to let me know what you think. Here are a few helpful IM starters...

Click Here If You Thought This Chat Rocked
Click Here If You Thought This Chat Sucked

Or, e-mail me...

Click Here To E-mail Me Your Comments About How This Chat Rocked/Sucked

Your e-mail will most likely be deleted before I even read it (I have an estimated 92.8% of the words in the English language flagged for spam reasons), but it's the thought that counts, right? In all seriousness though, I will do my best to read and respond to anything I get, especially if you kiss some major ass.

Now, to avoid any future questions about what I was thinking at this part or that, to give background on the writing process, and to add a couple more insults, I recommend reading the commentary. It's grossly long (nearly 70 pages in full), but if you want more to read, this is your fix.

Click Here To Read The Commentary

One final thing before I leave you all to your lives. I care about the children, and I want everyone to know that. Remember kids, don't do chat. You might just end up like this dork...