Hello. My name is Judy Garland. I want to take you on a walk over the rainbow. Over the rainbow that was and is my life. It is a good walk to take.

I was born Frances Gumm in 1922. When I was young I did song and dance with my older sisters. We were called The Gumm Sisters. The vaudeville star George Jessell change our act's name to The Garland Sisters. I changed my first name to Judy and I have been Judy Garland ever since.

As many of you know in 1969 my physical body died. But my spirit never did, or never passed on, if that seems a better way to put it. And so I began to roam this earth, an outsider looking in, so to speak. But actually that was the way I lived my whole life so it really wasn't that different for me. At first I didn't like it that I couldn't communicate with people and that they were unaware of me. But I was happy to be released from my physical life on this earth and soon enough I got used to my new life and found that I liked that life very much.

I always wanted to write this autobiography but while I was physically alive on this earth my body was just not able to accomplish it. But now I have found my outlet. In a way it is better this way, because when my physical body was alive it was so racked with drugs that my mind was not completely stable. I doubt that I could have communicated my thoughts as well then as I can now and with many years of out of the body living, my perspective of things is now much better. Many books have been written about my earthy life. Too many I think. You can learn a lot about me from those books, if you are able to sort out all the contradictions within them. Good luck. But now I want you to be able to hear it from the horse's mouth. You see in my life I always wanted people to know who I was. Who the spirit of Judy Garland was. But everyone could only see my flesh. My flesh wasn't that great. Oh it was alright but it couldn't compete that well with all the beautiful movie stars I was around. So I hope that now I can attempt to convey to you my spirit.

I think that more than anything else my life was dominated by fear. I don't recall exactly at what point I really became aware of that fear. But I think it was always there. My mother tried to abort me, or so I was told. Maybe the fear started then.

I was quite happy when I was young. I lived an exciting life for an infant and young child. My parents ran the local theater so I was surrounded by entertainment from the beginnings of my life. My mother was teaching my older sisters song and dance routines to perform at the theater during film changes and I, as a infant, was happily taking it all in. I got to join my sisters' act when I was four. Soon after joining the act our family headed out to California, doing vaudeville spots along the way. My parents had an act and we girls had ours. That was a lot of fun. But when we settled in California everything began to change. I soon was dreading the long trips our mother would subject us to every weekend as we did entertainment jobs and auditions across the state.

After I joined my sister's act it was not long before I was outshining them. And while I was still quite young, they were ready to move on to their own married lives. So my mother's aspirations turned solely to me. I think my mother hated me. But she also saw in me the ticket to what I suppose she would have liked to have been herself. I suppose it was sometime after I was signed on at MGM at the age of thirteen that I became aware of the fear that surrounded my life.

I really can't pinpoint any one person, not even my mother. It was really just the whole system and my mother's compliance with it. My life was completely controlled and I was too young to see any way out. I quickly became a success because of my talent and I could boast a fan following from the early days, but inside I was very lonely. My dream became that of my salvation coming when I got married. Some strong man would take care of me and eradicate all the pain and I fell in love frequently in pursuit of that dream. I did get married at age 19 much to the chagrin of my mother and the studio. But my dream was not to be. When I became pregnant my husband could not stand up to my mother and I found myself helpless to stop the forces pushing me to abort my child. I really think that was the point in my life when the hopelessness of my life took a firm and unbreakable hold that I would continue to fight unsuccessfully for nearly thirty more years.

People writing about me often refer to my insecurities. I was never insecure. Entertainment was my media and I was as good or better at it than anyone. Insecurity was the logical explanation, I even said so myself at times, but it wasn't that. It was fear. What was I afraid of? I was never able to figure that out. But it posessed me so much that I played around with suicide, followed a consistent pattern of self destructive behavior, and really for all practical purposes slowly but surely did commit suicide over a period of about 30 years. The constant need for approval I had was also not due to insecurity but to fear. I really didn't need anyone to tell me how well I performed, but I needed to hear that I, me, Judy Garland, was alright. I think I was afraid people would reject me as a person, but I knew they would praise my work, so I sought for people's approval where I knew I would get it.

The only explanation for my life is the demonic. The usual natural explanations just don't quite fit the bill. Drugs of course effected me greatly and explain a lot. But they fall short in giving an adequate explanation. Only by turning to the spiritual can someone begin to try to fathom me.

Demon One

I was born into entertainment, literally. It was my total life from the moment of my birth. It was all I knew and because I learned it so well, so young, I was better at it than anyone. What does that do to a person? It's a false life really. A life of make believe. Make believe was what life was to me. I could never really see or deal with reality. And so I lived in this world of imagination. Many things fed my imagination, but mostly it was the fact that day in and day out I lived this role or that role and was never really just myself. An actor or actress knows that to play a part right you have to enter into that part and let it become a part of yourself. And oh was I good at that. Then when the stage is left you go back to reality. But not for me, because I was always being looked at and always having to play the part of Judy Garland. I wasn't really able to step away from that world for very long. Judy Garland was a marvelous person. Her talent was always right on and she was perfect. But I was not. And I really hated that I could not be myself in all her frailties. She was rather a nice person. But she couldn't live up to the expectations that surrounded her. At some point my imagination took a life of its own. I wasn't crazy. I knew it was my imagination but nevertheless it had a life of its own. I literally had to draw myself away from that world. And when I wasn't in it I was empty. So I would go back. But I did hate it. That was probably one of the reasons I got so dependent on drugs. Their effect helped me keep my sanity. But there were times when I just couldn't separate myself. My mind got too caught up in my imagination and the demons I ran from through drug usage, alcohol, and other forms of self destructive behavior seemed all too real to me.

Demon Two

Can love be a demon? I don't think so, but if it can not be expressed, if it doesn't have moorings, it goes awry. My mother probably could have provided me with those moorings but she did not. It wasn't the pushing, it wasn't the demands, it wasn't the long hours, it wasn't even the drugs. I could have survived all that as well as anyone else. It was the lack of love. If she could have loved me I could have gotten through all the rest. But there was no love. I know my mother wouldn't have agreed but I could sense it. My mother I am sure was convinced that she loved me and that what she did was for my benefit. But my heart was telling me something different. I think my whole life I was looking for that lost love. And it feed my insecurities. Oh, didn't I say I didn't have any insecurities. That's right, what I mean is that it fed my fears. I really was a lost soul. What was I looking for? Why could I never find it? I blamed my mother and I believe I knew inside that the blame was properly placed and so I also knew she was the source. She was the place I could have found stability but instead she only fed the insecurities, fed the fear. She controlled my life. There was control everywhere. The love that I had inside, and boy did I have a heart full of love, did not find direction. And again that would feed my fears and my insecurities. And with that came the frustration. Sometimes so strong I just couldn't endure it. So I would walk out of my life at strategic moments to accomplish who knows what. And I would find myself going deeper in the pit.

Demon Three

I, for some reason I can't fathom even now, was the target of dark spiritual forces. Do you know why I was able to entrance my audience the way I did? When I sang I entered into the realms of the spiritual, and as I got older I was able to do that virtually at will. I think it must have been because of that control that I had that those spiritual forces targeted me. I could never do anything that wasn't eventually destroyed by those forces. It didn't matter what I did, nothing was going to work. Those forces where always pulling at me. And I lashed out, and it would appear to those around me that I was lashing out at myself and everybody else but I was really lashing out at the forces upon me. And what control I had over other people. I was almost always able to get my way. But that really wasn't what I wanted. I wanted help. I would melt and people would melt with me but all the time I was the only one that was aware of the forces upon me. So they were never really able to help. Where did the forces come from and why was I their target? I would also identify my mother as the source of them. I had said once that she was the real wicked witch of the west. I meant by that, that the dark forces on me were somehow connected to the control she had of my life.

It was natural for me, who so much wanted to express what I really was to the world that was always watching so closely, to use my media to express myself the best way I knew how. I believe people were able to notice this to some extent with the best example of that being the scene in A Star Is Born when I talk about watching someone you love just crumble away bit by bit and day by day in front of your eyes and standing there helpless, and then the entire movie I Could Go On Singing. However an ample portion of all my later movies have elements of this in it and even my earlier movies reveal who I am to a lesser extent. So it you want to know Judy better, scrutinize closely my later movies. Read between the lines and you will learn a lot about me. There is much content there which is directly related to who I am. And how was it that I was able to effect the script writing the way I did? I suppose it was my ability to enter the spiritual at will. I really don't know how I did it but I did. I was originally cast for one of the major roles in the movie Valley of the Dolls, with one of the other major characters being patterned after my life. I was off the set within a few weeks everyone thinking of course that this was typical Garland behavior. But there was actually a little more to it than that. I was not able to effect the script in the way I thought it should be and the character patterned after my life was too wrong in my opinion.

So in a way I did write my autobiography while I was physically on this earth in the scripts of my latter movies which I will now proceed to analyze for you line by line. The obvious parallels I will pass over and will concentrate instead on scenes and themes that when looked at closely reveal my heart.

A Star Is Born

The lead characters in this film both reflect myself. The pattern of who Judy Garland is, is weaved through both of them. Of course in this film that was not particularly hard to do as my husband produced the show. It was in this film though that I would learn the techniques of influencing the scripts which I would also use in my last two movies A Child is Waiting and I Could Go On Singing.

The first glimpse of who Judy Garland is, is seen when Norman Maine having listened to Esther sing relates to her "A little bell rings inside your head, a jolt of pleasure. That's what happened to me just now...you have that something extra." As the conversation proceeds Norman asks Esther to tell him about herself. She says, "I'm no good at talking about myself. Everything runs together...you see how my mind works. It's all jumbles". Maine tells her he can sort it out. She responds, "Can you. I can't. But I had to sing. I somehow feel most alive when I'm singing. It's like", she pauses but doesn't complete her thought.

This is very telling conversation here about me. Let me analyze it for you. The bell going off, the jolt of pleasure, the something extra. That one's not hard. Nobody ever questioned my talent. But it is now taken a little further. The inability to sort it out, to put it all together, to understand her life. It is all jumbles that she can't sort out. But the life she finds she finds when she sings. But she doesn't know why. She can't explain why.

This sequence concludes with Norman telling her she has more to offer, encouraging her to move on and he says, "but you know yourself don't you, you just needed somebody to tell you". This is quite a significant statement. Those few words carry a great impact and surely reflect my life more than anything else in the film. Because the other things are very obvious and reflect my outward life that everyone could see. But this reflects my inward life and goes along with the 'jumbles that she can't sort out'. I knew within myself that there was something. Something more, something different, but I needed someone to tell me what it was. However nobody in my life could. Then of course there is the big one when Esther sings "turn your frown upside down", takes a break during which she has the emotional conversation with the studio head, comes back on the stage wiping away the tears and jumps back into her song with a big smile "turn your frown upside down and go and get your long face lost". How prophetic does it get?

At this point who Judy Garland is shifts from Esther to Norman Maine.

"What is it that makes him want to destroy himself"

"You don't know what is is like to watch someone you love just crumble away bit by bit day by day in front of your eyes and stand there helpless"

"I'm afraid of what's beginning to happen within me"

"because sometimes I hate him. I hate his promises to stop and then the watching and waiting to see it begin again...and listen to his lies. My heart goes out to him because he tries. He does try."

"But I hate him for failing. I hate me too because I have failed too"

Oh boy, that smarts.

"I don't know what's going to happen"

"No matter how much you love somebody how do you live out the days"

Pretty prophetic wasn't it. How did I do that? Well I don't think this scene really needs my analysis but I will make reference to the last statement 'how do you live out the days'. That was really hard for me, the living out the days. And it became harder as time went on. I really wanted to die but I was also afraid to. I sang Old Man River a few times in my TV series. A lot of what I sang in that series was straight from my heart.

    I get weary and sick of trying

    I'm tired of living but scared of dieing

My one solace was found almost exclusively on the stage. That was where I came alive. It was also found with my children but even with my children I could not lose myself the way I could when I sang. At the end of my life I had lost everything including my children. But it was when I began to lose my audiences that life was no longer worth living. I think I just made up my mind to move on that day my body died. My body just simply could no longer hold my spirit. It never could really, but that was the point that I was ready to let it go.

There are a few more moments in the film that should be noted. When Norman tells Esther that for him it is too late, he says I destroy everything that I touch, I always have, and she responds I don't believe that. Later in the film Norman Maine says to the studio head, "You know Oliver, I think I was born with a genius an absolute genius for doing the wrong thing". Then is a scene where the studio press agent is deriding him Norman says "always wait till they're down then kick them". Those are all good descriptions of myself. Knowing I was on a downhill path but also refusing to believe it, having a knack for doing the wrong thing, I think it was those spiritual forces that did that, and kick me when I'm down. Now that was an understatement. Everyone deserted me in the end. But I really had been deserted all my life. If I couldn't live up to the legend of Judy Garland, and I couldn't, it was much easier for everyone to just look the other way. I don't blame them. There is really nothing anyone could have done.

I Could Go On Singing

More than any other movie this one was a reflection of my life. The alternative title for the movie was The Lonely Stage. The stage was not lonely for me, in fact it was the only place where I was not lonely, but the title is an accurate reflection anyway. Both titles are apropos. The title I Could Go On Singing reflects where and only where I could find my true self, but The Lonely Stage in a reverse type of logic is also true. That is because of the fact that my life of the stage leaves me, when I am not on the stage, so lonely. The movie was a failure as movies go. And that was also apropos as my life was a failure. This movie truly represents the depths of my heart. In this movie I actually did my own script writing and at one point during the filming of an emotional scene I left the script completely and began pouring out my heart. The director was wise enough to continue filming the scene so it is left in the movie untouched.

The parallels of this movie with my life are obvious and the movie is regarded by some as my autobiography. I do not intent to go into these obvious parallels but will instead give you my perspective of the theme of the whole movie.

When I stepped on the stage I entered a different world. It was for me like walking out of the night and into the daylight. The songs I sang I knew. I didn't have to think about my singing. I entered a different realm. There was no conciousness about what I was doing. I would lose awareness of the audience and have to draw myself back. And the audience connected with me in a way that I never connected with anyone in the rest of my life. The audiences were drawn into the magic too. There was such a love between us by the time it was over. A love I could never attain to in my everyday life, but the love I so desperately needed. But the concerts would come to an end and I would walk back into the darkness.

    Life is a stage

    An hour strutted out

    Full of sound and fury

    Signifying nothing

That was the reality I would walk back to. But somehow while I was on that stage I saw eternity. I saw, while I sang, that there had to be meaning somewhere. I was never able to find that meaning in my life except for those brief moments. But I never lost hope that what I saw there could be attained. But also in contrast to this I never emerged from the fear. That was a part of it too. I don't think I ever did a performance that a level of fear was not there somewhere. That was the strangest thing. It didn't matter how successful I was, how acclaimed my performances might be, I, myself, never could believe it.

A Child Is Waiting

I played the dramatic role in this movie of a pianist taking on a job as a worker in a school for mentally retarded children. The significance of this movie to my life was a line that was a theme throughout the movie. The head psychiatrist of the school asks her, why are you here, and she answers each time along the lines that she is looking for meaning in her life and wants to help these children. The look for meaning was something I wanted. I wanted to reach out and help. Particularly I wanted to help children because I had suffered as a child. I wanted to relieve the pain. I was reaching for something and the movie was an expression of that reaching.

There is a lot of significant dialogue in this movie. Themes of rejection, of love that is misdirected, and concerns about feelings, as well as the big theme about the search for meaning. All are themes I could directly relate to. But I want to analyze this movie from my perspective. As the dialogue goes Miss Hanson is found to have unsuccessfully tried to be a concert pianist, has drifted for many years, is alone, and is now wanting to find meaning in her life. She reaches out to the neediest of all the children at the school but wants to give her love for him by doing everything for him. She finally realizes she is really unable to help by the efforts she is using. In the end of the movie she accepts this and simply becomes the means of giving direction to the children while letting them express themselves as best they can and she finds her proper place. Now how does that relate to Judy Garland? The need, the inability to find help, the long time in coming to acceptance of that fact, the search for the meaning of it all, and finally finding out that the only answer available is an answer that is less than what one wants.

So what does my autobiography via film say as a whole? What am I trying to tell the world who looks so closely at me but doesn't really see me at all? I am like those retarded children. Their need is one of how to function in this world when they don't really fit in correctly. I didn't fit in correctly. I didn't fit in with my mother, with my relationships, with my everyday life, with my personal psychic, not with anything, with the one exception being when I sang. And that I could do at a level which left me unable to adequately cope with everyday life yet left me highly visible to the public. And it also left me like Esther in A Star Is Born unable to finish her thought, it's like...There was no answer.

Oh no must I also use that stupid cliche everyone uses about me. Of course, I'm Judy Garland and there is no way around it. And somewhere over the rainbow is where I am now. I was a bit of a prophet in my earthly life. I had been singing all along about my future, the future I have now realized, just like I had prophesized about my negative future in A Star Is Born.

    Forget your troubles come on get happy

    You better chase all your cares away

    Shout hallelujah come on get happy

    Get ready for the judgment day

    The sun is shining come on get happy

    The Lord is waiting to take your hand

    Shout hallelujah come on get happy

    We're going to the promise land

    We're heading across the river

    Throw your sins away in the tide

    It's all so peaceful on the other side

    Forget all your troubles

    Come on get happy

    We're going to the promise land

Frances Ethel Gumm

I was born on June 10, 1922 in Grand Rapids, Minnesota and given that name. I never liked the name but everyone called me Baby, anyway, since I was five and seven years younger than my two sisters. So Frances was never my name as far as I was concerned. I was happy as a young child. Everyone gave me a lot of attention. My parents owned and operated the local town theater and my sisters performed song and dance routines my mother taught them during intermissions. I wanted to be like my sisters. I wanted to be on the stage with them. I finally got to when I was four. I was a natural and I fit right in from the beginning. We had a good act. Audiences liked us. I had fun. I was happy. Life was good.

California

It wasn't long after I had joined my sisters' act that we headed out to California. We did vaudeville spots along the way. That was a lot of fun. But when we settled in California, after my father bought a theater there, things changed. What went wrong with my life? It wasn't anything I noticed immediately. Somehow I was no longer happy. I didn't like our act. I dreaded the routine. It was boring. I smiled and did what I was told but I wasn't happy. I wanted to be on the stage at daddy's theater but instead we traveled across the state to dancing schools, doing performances, and auditions. Mother was relentlss. I had no friends. I had no life. After my oldest sister got married and our act broke up my mother continued to drag me around the state because I had become the main talent in our act and singled out long before then. I was alone most of the time.

MGM

That fateful day arrived when I was signed on contract at MGM studios. Sometimes I thought that must have been the worst day of my life. But at the time I was elated. No more traveling around and I would make a lot of money. What could have been better? Mother had gotten her wish and surely I would be happy again. And at first it was alright. I went to classes in the mornings and mostly just practiced and sang in the afternoons. There were a lot of important people around, so I felt I had really arrived. I made a few friends. What could have been better. Life was sure to be good again I thought. I was going to like my life again. But tragedy was to strike. My father died. With his death, life at home darkened and MGM really became my life. It was a dark world too.

Success

In the world's eyes I had everything. I was good, very good, too good. In reality the little life I had left was quickly snatched from me. As my talent was noticed more and more, as my success increased, the demands on me also increased. I found help or so I thought in my little pick me up pills. They relieved the pain temporarily but I found I needed to turn to them more and more. My life continued to slip away. I enjoyed performing. That became my escape but only while I was performing. And I had little freedom even in that. I was told what to do and how to do it and I dutifully did what I was told. But inside I often hated what I was doing. I finally rebelled in the only way I knew how. You know that story. What made me do the things I did? I was testing limits, trying to find myself, looking for a way out. The demands on me were more than I could handle. Nobody understood me and I didn't understand myself. I was a lost soul. But a talented one that everybody was watching.

My Personal Life

It really didn't exist. There was control everywhere; at home and at the studio. I made poor choices in marriage. David Rose was a good man and talented. I was sure he was right for me. I think in a way I was looking for my father in him. We drifted apart. I really couldn't hold on to relationships. Minnelli was a disaster. He was way too controlling. And his sexual orienations were a sure means of eventual problems. I could turn my back only so much. He did give me Liza though. David under my mother's pressure had taken my other child from me. I never could get over that. I longed for that lost child until the day I died. Sidney was a bright spot. If I had found him at first and if he had not taken the role as my manager that marriage may have made it. He gave me two beautiful children. Our relationship was up and down but in a lot of ways he was right for me. In too many ways though he was wrong. He managed my money poorly, spending freely. I couldn't manage it myself and I really didn't care. I suppose we both thought that it would always be there and since it was my money and not his I don't think he cared that much either. I suppose in an economic sense I could have been a communist. Not in a social sense. I hated that. But share the wealth monetary philosophy would have been fine with me. Of course in reality it would never work. It would end up like Sidney and I did. We were both in financial crisis when the marriage broke up. He managed my professional life well. If he could have only managed me along with it. But I was stubborn and although he came the closest to it he could not really understand me either. My last two marriages are not worth mentioning. They were last effort attempts at what I knew I was never going to have but I kept refusing to believe it.

Down The Dark Tunnel

I descended down this dark tunnel. I kept seeing light and I would run toward it. But it always faded back into darkness and I continued to descend. My eyes grew accustomed to the dark. But I would still see the light from time to time off in the distance. I kept looking that way but couldn't get there. I kept looking anyway, with longing, while I continued to descend into the darkness. I couldn't embrace the darkness, so I fought it, and I kept looking to the light but was unable to reach it. I would always end up back in the darkness and it was a bottomless pit. I thought the descent had to stop and I tired but I couldn't stop it. Was there no way out? But I saw the light. I always saw it. It kept me going. It was always there. The light would come very close sometimes but I was not able to touch it or hold on to it. I couldn't understand it. I would not be trapped in the darkness forever, of that I was sure, but I could only see the light. I couldn't reach it or hold on to it. I looked, I would turn my back, and then I would look again. And this became my reality. I am not nor was I ever bipolar. But the light and the darkness were my realities. In my life it was those two contrasts that drove my physical being and brought that being to its heights and also to its depths.

The After Life

After it was all over, after she, my physical body was no longer there, I finally came to life. I opened my eyes. The dark was gone. The light was no where to be seen. I became an observer. No one noticed me. I hated that. I had always been so popular with people always looking. But I got use to it after awhile. It was fun. Just to look and not be looked at for once. Now this was what I was meant to be! I was happy. I just drifted. I could influence people sometimes and catch someone's attention occasionally. You would be surprised how often I was able to put an idea into the books always being written about me. But as a whole it wasn't really that much. I was content though, for the most part, and rarely frustrated. I accepted my new life. Judy Garland had finally come of age. This story has just begun. The afterlife is a wonderful thing for me. It is the place I was always looking for in my earthly life but could never find. What I could only glimpse at for brief moments when I sang. I am happy now. I wanted to share this story with you. It amazes me that after all these years I could still have fans. Was I really that good?