Grace-Based Discipline
"Grace-Based Discipline" is the title of the book I have written which is currently at the publishers and is due to be released before the end of the year. I will update when I have more details on that, but rest assured we are hard at work in editing and pre-publishing.
Grace-Based Discipline is a parenting style which is Biblically supported and is rooted in the New Testament teachings of Grace. In my book I address the parenting teachings that are popular today and that have led to the current teachings and expose how they are not based on a proper understanding of how God would have us be in relationship with our children. Our job as parents is not to create perfectly behaved Stepford Children, it is to prepare the hearts of our children to be good ground for the seed of the Gospel which it is our privelage to plant. Parents should not be judged by the behavior of their children, they should be judged by their reaction to it.
The Bible is unusually silent on parenting issues except to charge parents with the responsibility to raise their children unto the Lord and to grant them the authority to do so. How to parent is left up to each parent and I believe the best choice is to model our parenting after the style of Father God. My book discusses this idea in greater detail and also provides tools for parenting in a non-punitive way. It is important to remember that a decision to not spank is not the same as a decision to do nothing and be child-centered. Parent-centered is no more Biblically sanctioned than Child-centered and a Believer is challenged to be Christ-Centered in all things. As Believers we are to strive to be Christ-like in all things--this should apply to parenting also. A believer should be challenged to extend the fruit of the Spirit to their children--not to expect it from them. A condition of Grace for the Believer is one of unquestioned relationship with the Father. A condition of Grace for a Believer's child should be no less.
Jesus told a parable about a servant who was forgiven much and then refused to forgive another servant who owed him much less. We are the servant who has been forgiven much by God and we are warned what will happen if we refuse to forgive those who owe us much less than we've been forgiven. I would challenge you to forgive the fellow servant, your child, who owes you the debt of having not come when called or having flexed his 2 year old budding independence by yelling "No". We are warned in the parable what will happen if we refuse to forgive and the consequences of not heeding this warning are quite weighty. It is the responsibility of the Holy Spirit to produce fruit in a Believer's life. The fruit of the Spirit are love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness and self-control. To expect these from a child is an unrealistic expectation. Even mature Believers often struggle in the production of these fruit. How can we expect our children to cheerfully produce fruit that we struggle to produce and that is only growing in us because of the faithful work of the Holy Spirit.
Below are some links to Grace-Based Discipline tools which are included in my book and which will help you achieve the desired goal of non-punitive parenting as well as some articles. Grace-Based Discipline is about being kind and firm, teaching and correcting, modeling, respecting and being respected in a way that can only come from relationship.