~ DESI JOKES ~
Warning:
1. Mother-in law:
In Des - A women capable of making your life miserable.
In Pardes - A women you never fight with, because where else you will find such a
dedicated baby sitter for free?
2. Husband:
In Des - A boring human species, who listens more to his mother than you, and orders you
around to serve him, his parents and siblings.
In Pardes - Still boring, but now a useful human species that comes in handy when the
house needs to be vacuumed.
3. Friend:
In Des - A person whose house you can drop into any time of the day or night and you'll
always be welcome.
In Pardes - A person who you have to call first to check and make sure he is not busy.
4. Wife:
In Des - A woman who gives you your underwear and towel when you go to take a shower.
In Pardes - A woman who yells at you not to leave tub dirty when you go to take bath.
5. Son:
In Des - A teenager, who without asking will carry your grocery bags from the market.
In Pardes - A teenager, who suddenly remembers he has lot of homework when you start
mowing the lawn.
6. Daughter:
In Des - A lovely doll, who brings tears to your eyes when her doli is about to leave.
In Pardes - A lovely doll, who brings you to tears long before any doli time.
8. Father:
In Des - A person you are afraid of, and who is never to be disobeyed.
In Pardes - A person to whom you pretend to obey, after all he is the one paying your
college tuition.
9. Desi Engineer:
In Des - A person with a respectable job and lots of upper ki kamai.
In Pardes - A person without a secure job, who always dreams one day he will be rich.
10. Desi Doctor:
In Des - A respectable person with ok income.
In Pardes - A money making machine, who has a money spending machine at home called
"doctor ki biwi".
11. Bhangra:
In Des - A vigorous punjabi festival dance.
In Pardes - A desi dance you do, when you don't know how to dance.
12. Software Engineer:
In Des - A high-tech guy, always speaks in American accent, always anxious to queue
consulate visa line.
In Pardes - The same hitech guy, who does Ganapati puja everyday, and says 'This is my
last year in the US (or wherever)' every year.
13. A Green Card holder bachelor:
In Des - the guy can't speak Hindi, parents of good looking girls are dying to hook him,
wears jacket in summer, says he has a BMW back there.
In Pardes - the guy can't speak English, wears jacket all the time, works in a Candy store
at Manhattan, dreams of owning a BMW.
Once Laloo wanted to know the time difference between Bihar and Las Vegas..So he called up the Tourist department and asked them "Ji..could you tell me the time difference between Patna and Las Begas...". The man at the other end replies "One second sir..." and Laloo immediately replies "thank you" and puts the phone down.
At a bar in New York, the man to Laloo's left tells the bartender,"JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE." And the man's companion says, "JACK DANIELS, SINGLE." The bartender approaches Laloo and asks, "AND YOU, SIR?" Laloo replies: "LALOO YADAV, MARRIED."
AbCd
We all must have heard of ABCD = American Born Confused Desi ~*~ But How about an
~*~ ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ ~*~
~*~American Born Confused Desi, Emigrated From Gujarat, Housed In Jersey, Keeping Lotsa
Motels, Named Omkarnath Patel, Quickly Reached Success Through Under-handed Vicious Ways,
Xenophobic Yet Zestful.~*~
A rich widower miser NRI went back to India and married a young village girl. The girl did not like his hugging and kissing all the time. He thought of a scheme to teach his wife not to hate his American life style. He bought a piggy bank and told his wife that every time he kisses or hugs her, he will put a rupee coin in the piggy bank and at the end of month she can open the bank and buy a new saree with the money. The scheme worked very well. The young wife showed more willingness to be kissed and hugged. At the end of the month he gave her the key and told his wife to open the piggy bank. What he saw did not please him. There were many 5 and 10 rupee bills along with rupee coins in the box. Where did these come from he demanded angirly. I’ve been putting only rupee coins. Not everyone is as kanjoos as you replied the wife.
ABCD's first time visit to India
An american born Desi returned to India and hired a tourist cab for sight seeing. When taken to the Taj Mahal in Agra, he asked how many years it took to build it. The guide replied 20 years. The American desi remarked You guys are lazy, in America we can build some thing like this in 5 years. At Red Fort in Dehli he asked the same question. The guide reduced the period to impress him and said Ten years. Only ten years The American Desi retorted: Didn’t I say you guys are slow workers! In America we could have built it in 2 1/2 years. Same story everywhere. He admired the places but reduced the period to 1/4th. The guide got irritated by this young American Desi. Next day when they were near Qutab Minar the American Desi asked what is that tower? The guide replied I ‘ll have to go and find out. When I was passing by this side last evening there was nothing here.
Broken English Dialogues spoken by some desis
I talk, he talk; Why do
you beech beech talk?
(beech, beech = middle, middle)
Open the windows and let the atmosphere come in"!
"Why are you naat filupping the blanks ?"
Maro saale ko:: Hit the brother in law
"Hey, u guys, please keep quiet. The president is rotating outside"
"Donot smoke and spoil the botany of ur body"
"Open the windows, open the windows, let the climate come in"
Advice to father thinking about whether he should let his daughter
continue her studies or get her married :
"Vell, if you wantu study her, then study her. If you wantu
marry her, then marry her ."
Prof to students hanging around the corridors during exams :
"Do not revolve in the corridors in front of the examinations"
"Don't talk like that in front of my back"
"Dont stand in front of my back"
"Louly hair cutting. Hair cutting, current drying. No shock."
"Florida paan shop. Prop: Raju . B.A, M.A."
"Repeat again please!"
"Mistake became wrong!"
Did you cut the tickets for the film, yet?
Pliss, close the fan!
He/she's my cousin brother/sister
He/she's my co-brother/sister
Galatfehmi ka shikar hona:: to be hunted down by misunderstanding.
Izzat ko mitti me milana:: To mix one's honor in mud
Meri izzat ki naak cut gayee:: My honors' nose has been chopped off
Kiske saath moonh kaala kiya? :: Who have you blackened your face with?
naak mein dum karna:: to strengthen the nostrils
An instructor explaining the working of pendulum:
"Take an elephant of negligible weight"
heard in kitchen: No, No I don't need chair i can stand eating
It's so hot! Please on the fan no.
Instructor: "Take a copper wire of any metal...and pour a liquid solution
of sulphuric acid in a round bottom flask of any shape.. "
A gardener scolding three kids : "Both of u three, don't under-stand the
tree"!!
"Open the doors of the window, and let the atmosphere come in "
Pune'ites, and Bombay'ites will understand this - "This is not
'parvadable'"!!!
"You three, both of you kneel down together separately"
"There is no wind in the ball (deflated football)"
"Run with the fence" (alongside)
"Look at the line on your back" (falling in line)
"Apply Apply, No reply" (common one)
"Why aren't you kneel downing?"
If you talk, I'll kneel down
(Always wished he would, but found out that, that's not what he
meant)
Cuckoo, Blaady (Kick you, bloody...)
The principal just passed away.
Who took out the breeze of my cykill.
Meet me behind the class (meant after the class).
My cykill is understanding the tree.
Open the windows and let the AIR FORCE come in"!
Back
to Top
There is this Good Ol' Barber in some
city in US. One day a Florist goes to him for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the
Barber and the barber replies:
'I am Sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service'.
The Florist is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is a Thank you Card and a
dozen roses waiting at his door.
A Cop goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the Barber and the barber replies:
'I am Sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service'.
The Cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the Barber goes to open his
shop, there is a Thank you Card and a dozen Donuts waiting at his door.
A Desi Software Engineer goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the Barber and barber
replies;
I am Sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service'.
The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, guess what he finds there -
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A Dozen Desis waiting for a free Haircut......
You are a big time NRI if you strongly believe in the 10 sentences stated below...
10. You think most Indian teenagers are
pure and chaste.
9. You think everyone in the world knows about the O.J. Simpson case.
8. You can't believe the world wide web exists in India. You can't believe Delhi has had
phone services like call waiting and the other fancy stuff you get here for the past three
years and you can't believe there have been ATM(like MAC) machines in Indian cities for
more than 7 years.
7. You like Broccoli.
6. You find cricket to be boring but watch golf, bowling or curling on TV.
5. You express sarcasm with "Yeah, right."
4. When you see anyone at all pass by you on the road, you greet them with a "Howz it
goin", "Whassup" or "How you doin" and keep walking on.
3. You say "interesting" when either you don't care or think it is weird.
2. You refer to India as a Third World Country.
1. You so far understood, enjoyed and could relate to every joke in the Humor Page.
1. You ask for small drink at
fast food restaurant because the refill is free.
2. You know more than one plan offered by long distance companies.
3. You take plain water instead of Coke for lunch. (may also be a health nut)
4. You take any drink with no ice because you can't drink ice.
5. You ask before eating any meat "Is this beef?".
6. You try to ignore all other unknown desi's around you.
7. You tell your friends about this wonderful opportunity, and invite them to an Amway
meeting
8. You know all the facilities available at public library.
9. You talk to americans as if you represent your whole country.
10. Your stove top in your apartment is covered with aluminum foil.
11. You frequent to yard sales every week.
12. You find taco bell sauce packets in your kitchen drawer.
13. Your dinner involves spreading newspaper on the living room floor.
14. You take off your shoes before stepping foot in your living room.
15. You like onion rings at Burger King.
16. You are looking for dual voltage appliances.
17. The phrase "When are you going to India" comes into your conversation at
least once a day.
18. You bought Toyota or Honda car only because it has better resale value.
19. The number of long distance calls is more than domestic calls.
20. You keep switching your internet service provider because the first month is free.
21. You go back to your apartment for lunch.
22. Your full name contains more than 15 characters.
23. You know all the $1.50 theaters in your city.
24. The only reason you go to a temple on festivals is because there is free food.
25. You have spent nights in the car while traveling because you wanted to save money
spent on cheap motel.
26. You don't know any American outside your work.
27. You tried to flirt with the Hindi speaking operator at AT&T.
28. You have at least one India made pressure cooker in your kitchen.
29. You know how much a 7 layer burrito costs at Taco Bell.
30. You run to Laundromat in your lungi.
31. You put oil in your hair.
32. You have a picture of Indian deity on the dashboard of your car.
33. This thought comes to you "Oh shit I just saw another desi" when you are
window shopping at the mall.
34. You keep comparing prices at circuit city for the phone you bought six months ago.
35. The lawyer handling your green card is in your speed dial.
36. You are compelled to visit ever major city in the US, just so as to say that "Yes
I have been there"
37. You are comfortable with an American than an ABCD.
38. You have been to Mexico or Canada for multiple entry H1 Visa.
39. You pay your bills the day they come in mail.
40. You spent 2 days cleaning your apartment before leaving so you can get full security
refund from landlord.
41. You have a bucket in your bath tub.
42. You have to borrow luggage from friends for an India visit.
43. The smoke detector goes off whenever you are cooking dinner.
44. You know which grocery store keeps coriander.
45. You buy butter milk before you run out of it.
46. You use grocery bags as garbage bags.
47. You say 'Damn I have already seen this show" whenever you are watching Married
With Children.
48. You buy rice in the 20 pound bags.
49. Office supplies mysteriously find their way into your house.
50. You don't want to buy a printer because you can always use the office printer.
51. You have postponed buying that answering machine because the computer you are planning
to buy six months later has a built answering machine.
52. Your idea of fun involves bowling.
53. You starts spelling your name to the operator like A as in Apple, B as in boy, T as in
train...well you get the idea.
54. You ask another desi if he/she ever got a traffic ticket.
55. You haven't had a single female in your apartment besides your friends wife.
56. You bring over the counter medicines like Iodex and Vicks from India.
57. You decide to marry a girl, your parents fixed without even meeting her.
58. You know the current differential in gold prices between India and US.
59. You smell like a curry.
60. You go to a temple to pick up a women.
61. You have worked illegally in a Guju's motel.
62. You mark your forehead with scared ash.
63. You have a bought a video camera just before Niagara trip and returned it after the
trip.
64. You wear VIP/Indian brand underwear and undershirts.
65. You have Rin (detergent soap cake) in your bathroom.
65. You have taken pictures of your car and mailed it to your folks back home.
67. You use the credit card with maximum cash back.
68. You have collected enough frequent flier miles for an international trip.
69. You are saving more that 30% of your salary.
70. You have never asked a girl out. (you might just be plain ugly too)
71. You've bookmarked immigration web pages in your browser.
72. You know your friends salaries!
73. You tried to talk in a phony accent with the freshie in the school.
74. You have asked a PhD student for a ride to grocery store.
75. There are more that 4 guys living in a 2 bedroom apartment.
76. You have cooking schedule in your kitchen cabinet.
77. You spend at least 2 evenings in a week at Kmart.
78. You split even the tax out of your common grocery bill.
79. You complain about Indian international airports on your first vacation to India.
80. You take 4 week long vacation.
81. You are the first to know about any on campus job openings at the school
library/cafeteria/computer center.
Remember when.......
A computer was something on TV From a science fiction show
A window was something you hated to clean....
And RAM was the cousin of a goat.....
MEG was the name of my girlfriend
And GIG was your middle finger upright
Now they all mean different things
And that really MEGA bytesV
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano
Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 1/2" floppy
You hoped nobody found out
Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while
Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode
Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu
I guess i'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead
Back to Top
Q) Why did George Bush had the gujju beaten?
A) The gujju told George Bush "You are an IMPOTENT man"
Q) Why won't the gujju jeweler sell anything to the UP ka bhayiya?
A) The bhayiya kept giving gujju a bunch of hair each time the gujju
asked for KESH.
Q) What will a Gujju tell a tomato, coming last in a tomato race?
(in case of one)
A) Tomato KETCHUP.
Q) Why did the gujju go to Rome ?
A) He wanted to listen to POPE music.
Q) Why did the gujju go to London?
A) To see BIG BEHN.
Q) What did the Gujju mean when he said, "Ramesh no dikro STATES ma
gayon" ?
A) Ramesh's son failed in statistics...
Q) Why was the gujju stacking up 1 cent coins on the day before exams ?
A) He wanted to get "cent-par-cent" .
Q) What did the Gujju have in the morning?
A) LIGHT SNAKES for breakfast.
Q) What did the Gujju say to the singing prostitute?
A) You are going from BED To VERSE.
Q) Did you know that Gujarati students are going to start a fraternity?
A) They named it Rho Beta Rho.
Q) Why did the gujjus take 50 paise when they went to watch "GANDHI"?
A) They read Atten( 8 annas)-bourough in the credits.
Q) Why did the gujju think Gandhi was acted by a woman in "GANDHI"?
A) They read Ben( behn) Kingsley did the acting.
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(No offense is meant to anyone from Calcutta, Bombay, Bangalore,
Madras or New Delhi. Nor is any offense meant to gays, banias,
sambar-lovers, computer-whizzes or gay-over-weight-bania-computer
-whizzes. These were made for humour, andd the selection of lead
characters was only for convenience in rhyming.)
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There was this young lass from Madras,
Who had a most remarkable ass,
It wasn't round and pink,
As some of you might think,
But was grey, had long ears, and ate grass.
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There was this Parsi from ........
Who failed as a painter and a carpenter,
Even though he was such a wimp,
He did extremely well as a pimp,
And people now call him Nari Contractor.
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Twas on the bus from Tirunelvail,
I met a lass, petite and frail,
She flashed me a smile,
And with very smooth guile,
Took the last seat, left me holding the rail.
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When it rains in Calcutta,
People just become wetter,
But if it snows,
Everyone knows,
They'd pack up and move to Quetta.
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There was this cute chap from Bombay,
Who people swore was gay,
It was the way he walked,
And the way he talked,
But folks in Colaba preferred him that way.
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There was this engineer from Bangalore,
Who was afraid he was such a bore,
He spoke either of software,
Or of computer hardware,
And people just headed for the door.
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There was this belle from Bangalore,
They thought she was smart when she was four,
When she was sixteen of age,
She went to Maharani's college,
And no one thought she was smart anymore.
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(You need to know a little about Hyderabad for the next two...)
There was this girl from Hyderabad,
Such unbelievably good looks she had,
When she ventured out in Abids,
She was hounded by the kids,
From Nampally, Begumpet and Secunderabad.
(And in case you girls from Hyderabad are getting a
little too sure of yourselves, here is the downer...... ;-)
There was this girl from Hyderabad,
Such unbelievably bad breath she had,
When she ventured out in Koti,
Young men in pants or a dhoti,
Fled to Nampally, Begumpet and Secunderabad.
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These are a bit ...er..., y'know..... gross.
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There was this young guy from Madras,
With an ability quite gross,
If you fed him some batter,
and filled him with water,
He shot Sambaar out of his ass.
There was this bania from New Delhi,
Who wanted to trim his belly,
His doctor said "Jogging,
or exercise by Walking,
Not just by wanking your willie".
(Actually this one is better in Hindi........)
(Moott maarna is such an evocative phrase..!!)
There was a man from Madras
Whose balls were made out of brass
In stormy weather...
..they clang together
And sparks came out of his ass.
and another...
There was a man from Sauket
Who flew to the moon in a Rocket
The Rocket crashed
His bottom smashed
& he found his balls in his pocket.
CALCUTTA's Telegraph has got hold of an answer
paper of a candidate at the
recent UPSC examinations. The candidate has written an essay on the Indian
cow:
"The cow is a successful animal. Also he is quadrupud, and because he is
female, he give milk,but will do so when he is got child.He is same like
God,sacred to Hindus and useful to man.But he has got four legs together.
Two are forward and two are afterwards.
"His whole body can be utilised for use. More so the milk. What can it do?
Various ghee, butter,cream, curd, why and the condensed milk and so forth.
Also he is useful to cobbler, watermans and mankind generally.
"His motion is slow only because he is of asitudinious species. Also his
other motion is much useful to trees, plants as well as making flat cakes in
hand and drying in the sun. Cow is the only animal that extricates his feeding
after eating. Then afterwards she chew with his teeth whom are situated in
the inside of the mouth. He is incessantly in the meadows in the grass.
"His only attacking and defending organ is the horn, specially so when he is
got child. This is done by knowing his head whereby he causes the weapons
to be paralleled to the ground of the earth and instantly proceed with great
velocity forwards.
"He has got tails also, but not like similar animals. It has hairs on the
other end of the other side. This is done to frighten away the flies which
alight on his cohoa body whereupon he gives hit with it.
The palms of his feet are soft unto the touch. So the grasses head is not
crushed. At night time have poses by looking down on the ground and he shouts
his eyes like his relatives, the horse does not do so.
"This is the cow."
P.S.: We are informed that the candidate passed the exam.
A Schoolmaster from a remote rural area was transferred to a
school
in Bombay. He reported for duty two days before August 15 and, as
was the practice in the school, was asked to address the assembly
on Independence Day.
Here's his dynamite speech : Leddies and Gentulmens,
Contemporaries, Children, "This is my first maiden speech. If
small small mistakes get inside my speech, I ask pardon. Stickly
speaking, I wanted to joint your school more fastly, but for the
following reason.
Too much time lost in getting slipper reservation
in three-tyre compartment. The clerk rejected to give ticket. I
put complaint on station master. He said me to go to lady clerk.
At first she also rejected. I then pressed her for long time and
at last with great difficulty she gave a birth only to my son.
Anyway I thanked the station master because he was responsible
for getting birth of my son.
We got independent because of great leaders linke Gandhiji who
get-outted all angrezi peoples from India. Tilak said Swaraj is our
birth-rate and we shall halve it. Today we all halve our
birth-rate. You children are future dynamic generators of the
Nation. Look into future time only. No backside looking, or
looking at your behind. Be like great like X' raj Ranjan of
Germany or Presidents like Loosebelt.
You know genius, no? It is one per cent perspiration and ninety
seven percent evaporation. They became great by reading great
books. After we finish you here in the school, you can go to
college and get B.A., M.A. and other decrease. Then you can
become great liars in the supreme courts, shattered accountants,
or leacherers in college.
The school is like a garden. You are the seeds, school is the soil.
We will bury you in this soil, pour water of knowledge on your
heads and one day will become great phools. Many vacancy job come
in newspapers. Only yesterday I saw in paper "Wanted for
refuted engineering firm: Generators, highpower condensors" so
and so forth, etc. These jobs may be teknickel, but you can rise.
If you have flare in English, you can become teacher.
I am now ending this fastly. My God blast you! Thank you and
thank God I am finished. Joy Hind!"
Do you have elephants in India ?
How to answer the usual questions asked of Indians
To help the new wave of incoming students from India,
here are the proper answers to awkward questions asked everyday:
Q. What does that red dot on women's forehead mean?
A. Well, in ancient times, Indian men used to practice archery
skills by target practicing by aiming at their wife's red dot.
In fact, that is one of the reasons why they had many wives.
You see, once they mastered the art of archery and hit the target....
Q. You're from India? I have read so much about the country. All
the wonderful places, the forests, the snake charmers, the elephants.
Do you still use elephants for transportation?
A. Absolutely. In fact we used to have our own elephant in our
house. But later, we started participating in elephant-ride
sharing schemes with our neighbors, to save the air. You see
elephants have an "emissions" problem.....
Q. Does India have cars?
A. No. We ride elephants to work. The government is trying to
encourage ride-sharing schemes.
Q. Does India have TV?
A. No. We only have cable.
Q. Are all Indians vegetarian?
A. Yes. Even tigers are vegetarian in India.
Q. How come you speak English so well?
A. You see when the British were ruling India,they employed
Indians
as servants. It took too long for the Indians to learn English.
So the British isolated an "English-language" gene and
infused
their servants' babies with it and since then
all babies born are born speaking English.
Q. Are you a Hindi?
A. Yes. I am spoken everyday in Northern India.
Q. Do you speak Hindu?
A. Yes, I also speak Jewish, Islam and Christianity.
Q. Is it true that everyone there is very corrupt?
A. Yes, in fact, I had to bribe my parents so that they would
let me go to school.
Q. India is very hot, isn't it?
A. It is so hot there that all the water boils spontaneously.
That is why tea is such a popular drink in India.
Q. Are there any business companies in India?
A. No. All Indians live on the Gandhian prinicples of
self-sufficiency.
We all make our own clothes and grow our own food. That is why
you see all these thin skinny Indians -- it is is a lot of hard
work.
Q. Indians cannot beef, huh?
A. Cows provide milk which is a very essential part of Indian
diet.
So eating cows is forbidden. However in order to decrease the
population of the country, the government is trying to encourage
everyone to eat human meat.
Q. India is such a religious place. Do you meditate regularly?
A. Yes, sometimes I meditate for weeks without food and drink. But
it is difficult to keep my job, because I have to miss work
when I meditate like that. But the bosses there do the same thing.
That is why things are so inefficient there.
Q. I saw on TV that people there walk on burning coals. Why do they do that?
A. We don't have shoes. So we burn the botton of our feet to make
it
hard so that we can walk.
Q. Why do you sometimes wear Indian clothes to work?
A. I prefer it to coming naked.
The Complete Set Of Jokes on desis in America
Q. How do desis in states have fun ?
A. Read technical books
Q. What do you call it when a desi tries to imitate an American ?
A. Artificial Intelligence
Q. What does a desi's intelligence say to his man-hood ?
A. You are a fictious character.
Q. Why do desis go to a bar ?
A. To stand in a corner and look at the blondes on the sly.
Q. Why is it good to have a desi friend ?
A. You can get your assignments done.
Q. What is a desi's favorite rhyme ?
A. Earn money. look funny. (like a zombie, having spent a lifetime
in the lab)
Q. How do you make a desi's eyes light up ?
A. Wave a dollar bill on his face.
Q. What is a desi's most exciting part of life ?
A. Doing an assignment for a girl.
Q. Why do desis drink a can of beer ?
A. so they could get high.
Q. Why do desis wear underwears ?
A. Because they could have wet dreams.
Q. What do desis do for lovemaking ?
A. Read penthouse.
Q. What do you call a desi between two blondes ?
A. A misfit.
Q. What do you call a desi's brain ?
A. A conundrum.
Q. How does a Professor change a desi's mind ?
A. Offer a RA.
Q. Why do desis like spicy food ?
A. To avoid constipation.
Q. Why do desis wear goggles ?
A. To look at blondes
Q. What do desis mean by fun ?
A. sighting blondes sitting in a car with sun glass doors.
Q. What do you call a desi gathering ?
A. Techinical conference.
Q. When does a desi smile ?
A. After seeing his pay check.
Q. When do desis go to the temple ?
A. Just before the finals week.
Q. Why is Cinemax's (cable) Friday after dark so successful ?
A1. Because, all desis watch it.
Q. Why does warner cable show X rated movies ?
A. Because desi's won't pay otherwise.
Q. Why are blue films made ?
A. So desis know what sex is all about.
Q. Why do desis drown in a swimming pool ?
A. Because they have pot bellies.
Q. What does a desi do on a date ?
A. Bore the hell out of the girl's mind by talking about his
assignments and how he solved the problems.
Q. What is a desi's most exciting night ?
A. Sitting alone in the lab and reading Alt.sex
Q. How can you punish a desi ?
A. Ask him to talk to a girl without offerring to do her assignment.
Q. Why don't desis wish other desis ?
A. Because, they are scared the other might ask for a quarter.
Q. How do you confuse a desi ?
A. Ask him questions about sexuality.
Q. What is the desi's chronic speech impediment ?
A. His accent.
Q. What do you call a desi who says he dated a blonde ?
A. A braggart.
Q. What do you call a desi girl who isn't beautiful yet stupid ?
A. Piddle shit
Q. How do you identify a stupid desi ?
A. Give him some money and see if he doesn't look gratified.
Q. How does one desi confront the other ?
A. By playing chess.
Q. How does a desi measure his perseverance & stamina ?
A. Watch all the X-rated movies shown on a friday night and still
feel no sexual urges.
Q. How does a desi confuse another desi ?
A. Speak with an american accent.
Q. What are desis famous for floating in the swimming pool ?
A. Because of their strikingly prominent tummies.
Q. How do you excite a desi ?
A. Give him a book about the Theory of Relativity.
Q. Why are desis cockeyed ?
A. Because, they never look at a blonde straight.
Q. How do you describe a desi ?
A. A short zombie who looks intimidated.
Q. Who do you call a smart desi ?
A1. One who can drink two cans of beer and still walk straight.
Q. What is a desi's philosophy of life ?
A. Eat, sleep and study.
Q. Why are desis immune to STDs ?
A. Because they never have sex.
Q. Why does a desi buy a condom ?
A. To add to his collector's items.
Q. How does a desi bragg ?
A. Tell fellow desis that a blonde smiled at him.
Q. What is the difference between a priest/nun and a desi ?
A. The latter has no choice but to stay a virgin.
Q. What do you call a stupid desi ?
A. A techinical fault.
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Drivin
Stylez
One hand on steering wheel, one hand out of window.
- Sydney
One hand on steering wheel, one hand on horn
- Japan
One hand on steering wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator...
- Boston
Both hands on steering wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror
- New York
Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in
back seat
- Italy
One hand on horn,
one hand greeting,
one ear on cell phone,
one ear listening to loud music,
foot on accelerator,
eyes on female pedestrians,
conversation with someone in next car
- Welcome to India!
10. Aisa mat kahiye thakur saheb. Buddhape mein itne paise main kahan se laoonga.. Ghar mein do jawan betiyan bhi hain... (Please don't say that thakur, How can I bring so much money at this old age of mine. I have two young daughters at home)
9. Tumhe paal poskar bada kiya. Kya isi din ke liye tujhe paida kiya thha ? Nikalja mere ghar se. Tum mere liye mar chuke ho...sob...sob...sob (We brought you up...Gave birth to you for this day? Get out of my house. You are dead, as far as I am concerned)
8. Haramzade, kuttay, kameenay. Main tumhe jaan se maar daloonga. (You dogs, slime balls. I will kill you)
7. Bhagwaan. Maine aaj tak tumse kuchh nahin maanga. Aaj pehli baar... (God, so far I 've never asked anything from you. For the first time..)
6. Maa. My B.A. first class me paas hogaya hun. (Followed by...) Mujhhe tum par naaz hai beta...Lo. Moo meethha kar lo...Sau saal jiyo... Khaash...(sob)....Aaaj tumhare pitaaji zinda hote, woh kitne khush hote. (Mom. I passed BA in first class. (Followed by...) I am proud of you my son. Have some sweets. Live for hundred years. If only you were father were alive today, imagine how happy he would have been)
5. Ab tumhari maa hamare kabze mein hai. Batao heeray kahan chhupaye tunay.. (Your mom is in our custody. Tell me where are the diamonds)
4. Tumhe pulis ne charon taraf se gher liya hi, Shankar. Ab tum apne aap ko pulis ke hawale kardo. Bhaag ne ki koshish mat karna. (Freeze. You have been surrounded from all sides by Police, Shankar ! You better surrender. Don't try to escape..)
3. Chilla. Aur chilla. Tumhari awaz kiseeko bhee sunayi nahin degi. Ab tumhe Bhagwaan bhi bachaa nahin sakta. (Scream as much as you want. There is nobody to listen. Even God can't save you now).
2. Tum apne aadmiyonke saath Kolaba beach gyara baje tak pahuncho. Wahan, Robert heeray pahunchaa dega. Yeh le, dollar ka ek hissa. Dusra hissa uske paas hai. Suno. Hoshiar rahna Pulis se. Phir tum Travel lodge room 112 mein Rosie ko maal dedo....Adha abhee. Adha kaam honay ke baad. (You reach Kolaba baech by 11'O clock. Robert will be there with the diamonds. Take this half of the dollar note. the other half will be with him. Go to Travel lodge room no. 112 and give the stuff to Rosie. Listen. Be careful about Police... Half now. Half after the work is done)
1. Raju. (silence)... Main tumhare bacche ki maan banne waali hun (Raju....(silence)...I am pregnant with your baby)
Ten Most Boring Things Desis Do In This Country
Here is a list of ten things that desis do in this country, which are interesting to the persons doing it, but maha boring to all the others around them.
English from different parts of India
If you take this easy and not get offended, you' ll laugh
your heart
out.
Tamils are always proud to be 'Tamizhs'; Pretty courteous they are
(that is what they think, at least!). They speak Yenglish yas soon as
they have to speak English (and not to forget the yem and the yen), but
sorry, no Indi. They will say 'ellow' and 'et' for 'yellow' and 'yet'.
Am I done? no, not et. The wake up when alar...am rings and wait for the
train in the platfor..am. The more common Madarasi (chennaisi..., now?)
wants to make mani (money) and is an ardent fan of kiriket matches.
Their counterparts in Bombay think they live in America but speak
Hinglish like '...are you sure ki Sujata aa rahi hai ya I'll go akela!",
"I told you hajaar times". And they take great pride in making stupid
mistakes in Hindi Grammar.
'Thamizhs', are very lecky to have "simble" neighbours in the keralites
who are a komblex race of peoplle, but they have ungles in Dubai,
excellent literacy rate , eat a lot of oaranges, go to oaffice, and own
99.998765% of tyre shops in the world. Oh! don't forget the doall..lar
and coall...lege.
Not far begind the kerals is the telugu desam, who are totally againesht
flaunting their wealthu to the woruldu, though they occasionally come
out with brick red shirtsu and parrot green pantsu. But they (think) are
greatu in CICSu, Microsu and COBOLu! Generally intelligent peoplesu (and
so you can always find them judgingu, probingu, queschioningu, othersu ...)
The Canadians, excuse me, the Kannadigas think they are the coolest lot
'dovun' south but if a 'fly' sits on the nose of Rajkumar (actor), they'
ll burn the whole city of Benglore to get rid of the fly. 'Cauvery' very
bad! To hell with Silicon valley! I-run (Iron), envayar- nament,
firsht, wor...rald, gir..ral, Laasht are some of their favourites.
Maharashtrians are a conservative, confused, complex lot - kar.
Thatis because gavasakar, tendulkar, bahulkar,.. confused that is because
sitting in southern part of india they would ask the other person "are
you from maharashtra or from south india..?" and genuinely wonder why the
her person takes some time to answer the question. They like their 'pamily'
and the principles of and 'pheejix' and their favourite character in the
alphabet is 'Zay' (god knows where that came from). Although soft, peace
loving people , they elect the shivsena to rule them.
And right there next to the Maharashtrians are the Gujjubhais. They like
to keep 'kes' in the 'benk' and their favourite past time is eating
'snakes' like 'paav bhaji', 'masala papad' and 'pijja' at the local
snake bar'. They gobble down sev like their life depends on it and believe in
the brotherhood and sisterhood of man and woman (everybody is a 'bhai or a
'ben'). They also like buying mutterials and raping gifts.
If you go further eesht, you land in Udissa- the land of irron ('r' unsilent)
where sombalpuroa and Bhubaneshbara are big towns. The people
are bery cordial and if you are Vikram they bill soorly ask you 'B' or 'Bhe'.
They do not sout or soot but occasnally bawsh their phace at the wasbashin.
James Bond Mohanty in our colleze had a roll nomber jero, jero, sebhen and
he likes visiting the city basington, .she.
Bengolees are bery bery similor, but or bery proud of Subas Chondro
Boash and Shotojit Roy (I used to know a director by name Satyajit Ray
who was also pretty good) and everybody is 'X'da. I used to habe a friend by
name 'Dada'. Wonder...never mind. Bot I most conphess, Roshgollas are
bery goooood! Of course, if they read this, they' ll get heart (hurt).
Bihari kids are supposed to be the smartest kids in india (if not in
the universe!). How we wish they grow up the same way, ...but... And
Biharee peepool are very phond of Laloo and Ranchi, ka isse bhadiya tumre pass
kooch hai, kaa?! spit spit.....
UPites, MPites, and Rajasthanis are busy going to ischool and istudying
metals to make lots of ishteel. Don't tell them this unless you are
crajy. They' ll call the pulees.
Punjabis are very sweet and aggressive and offer 'Rotti Shotti Khayega!'
to which I once replied 'No'. He said 'Tage itu,yaar!' By God'u!
'Surjeetu, what happenedu, oi?!'. Then of course, everybody's a 'paappe' or a
'kaakke'. That's P'njab for you.
And Kashmir (called 'Cashmir' by many, may be because of the amount of
cash spent to keep it in India)?!?
But at the end of the day, wherever you are in the world,
whether it is in Sunnyvale, CA;
Umm Al Quwain, UAE or Serangoon Road,Singapore, ask them who they are and you'll get
just one answer -Indian!!