Letting Go of Programming
Jerry Fallenberg
Posted online October 2007
last modified 1/24/2008
Contents
Part 1
Introduction
Chronology
School Days
San Jose Abduction
1965 Hospital Visit
Internal Structures
Career and Goals
Part 2
Interference with Deprogramming
How Accurate Are These Memories?
Self-Deprogramming
Afterword
Recommended Additional Study
Introduction
I have no tangible proof that I received mind control programming. Then why do I believe it probably happened?
- Mental images that came into conscious awareness years after the event
- Memories that included vivid physical and emotional pain
- A sense of relief after reviewing details from incidents (released charge)
- Realizations of how the commands later manifested in my life
I decided to handle my recovery and deprogramming without the aid of a therapist. This may have been workable in my case because I did not receive the extreme types of abuse that are sometimes discussed in mind control literature.
My intentions in sharing this information:
- To help people who have experienced this type of abuse to retrieve more of their memories if they wish to. If you don’t want to remember or don’t feel able to handle remembering, don’t read this.
- To communicate the type of self-deprogramming I used in case anyone else would like to experiment with using parts of it.
- To communicate the books and websites that I found most helpful in my recovery.
- To provide a resource for people who prefer self-directed recovery instead of being dependent on a therapist.
I do not claim that the incidents recalled and recorded in my memory retrieval sessions actually occurred. Naturally I have some curiosity about that, but to me, verifying whether an event actually occurred was not the main point of my memory retrieval work.
For decades I have been an avid student of religion, philosophy and success literature. And yet, I felt blocked and unable to create a satisfying lifestyle for myself. I could not figure out why.
I believe that events are not random; that they are the result of specific intentions supported by power or energy. Given that assumption, what was creating my lack of success? Self-deprogramming brought forward some of the answers I had been looking for.
Chronology
1953 Born at U.S. Naval Hospital, Pensacola, Florida
1953 Family moved to San Fernando Valley, California
1958-65 Attended Gledhill Elementary School, Sepulveda, California
1963-65 Approximate period of experiencing mind control (not continuously) at Sepulveda VA hospital
1972-75 Trombonist with Fort Ord Army band, Monterey, California
1975-76 Attended San Jose State University
1976 Abduction and programming to reverse progress in life
1976-79 Full-time staff member with the church of scientology
1980s & 90s Studied cults and developed a recovery program to aid with my recovery from scientology.* Developed self-deprogramming methods to explore incidents at the astral level.
late 1980s - Follow-up mind control sessions at two southern California defense contractors
early 1990s
1990-91 Member of National Guard band at Pt. Mugu Naval Air Station, Ventura County, California
1999 Death of Jolyon West
2000-2001 Began studying mind control literature and receiving spontaneous memories of childhood programming.
2002-2007 Developed self-deprogramming procedures to identify and release commands, emotional charge, attached entities, and mind fragments received from others. Developed a version of William Baldwin’s spirit releasement therapy that could be consciously self-administered without hypnosis.
* I
posted an essay on my scientology experiences at the Ex-Scientologist Message
Board. Here is a list of
definitions for the Scientology
terms used in that essay.
School Days
Around the year 2000 I started having images/memories of receiving childhood mind control programming. The images were of me receiving some abusive treatment in the 1960s at the Sepulveda VA hospital in the San Fernando Valley, which was located within view of the elementary school I attended. The beginning of recovery of conscious recollection came not long after the death of one of the supposed programmers – UCLA psychiatrist Jolyon West.
I have not found any specific references in books or on the Internet regarding abuse or programming occurring at the Sepulveda VA.
The images first began coming to mind during and after reading The Illuminati Formula to Create an Undetectable Total Mind Control Slave by Fritz Springmeier and Cisco Wheeler. More memories were triggered later while reading Sue Ford’s autobiography, Thanks for the Memories.
The images/recollections that came to mind had some similarities to the incidents described in those books, but were not as severe.
|
|
Previously, I had conscious recollection only of going into the school office at Gledhill Elementary School to receive speech therapy sessions. After seeing pictures of Jolyon West from that era, I recognized him as the youthful looking “speech therapist.” My mind showed me images of the therapist and me exiting through a door at the school office and being driven in a waiting car to the Sepulveda VA hospital, less than a quarter mile away. This occurred in the mid-1960s starting when I was about ten years old (1963) and continued - as far as I can tell - sporadically for two more years. 1965 was my last year at the elementary school. In that year, the programmers gave me some commands they jokingly called a “graduation gift.” |
I recall receiving drugs via shots, electroshock, programming, and some physical abuse. I had to be returned to school in decent condition, which limited what they could do to me. I was given suggestions not to consciously remember what happened. Those commands held up for about 35 years.
West was the junior programmer at some of the sessions. He sometimes appeared incompetent - fumbling with the scripts, apparently improvising. An older man with a moustache, average or slightly below average in height, was in charge when he was present. He wore gray slacks and sometimes smoked a cigar. He rarely smiled. I never knew when he was going to get angry, which kept me kind of on edge.
I don’t necessarily assume that my images were actual memories, but the emotions and physical sensations that I contacted felt real enough. West was not officially appointed to UCLA until 1969. He was a big shot in the field of psychiatry and worked in 1963 with Jack Ruby. So logically it doesn’t seem possible that I had contact with him in the mid-1960s.
The sessions were not intended to turn me into a slave like Sue Ford’s programming. I was given what I call “failure programming” to screw up my life. After I began recalling some of the details, I developed a type of journal work to record details from the sessions and to free myself from the programming commands. As I identified some of the commands that were given to me, I sadly recognized how they had later manifested in my life.
At some level of my being, I was willing to experience the programming – if it actually happened. Possibly as a way to become more able to assist others to recover from this type of abuse or to understand more about the dark side.
In a CKLN interview transcript, MK-ULTRA survivor Claudia Mullen described some of the content of the programming she received:
The messages would start: "Your mother doesn't love you, she left you here, your mother doesn't want you, you are too much trouble for her, you are a very evil child . . . ”
I remember receiving something similar to that. There were hypnotic suggestions that my parents did not love me. Deep down, I knew it was a lie. One of my protections was that I was raised by loving parents.
While reading Sue Ford’s autobiography, I felt an affinity for her. I could identify with many of the locations described in her book. I grew up in the middle of the San Fernando Valley, only about 5 miles from her family. I was born in 1953, two years after her.
In recent years I gained some conscious recall of adulthood follow-up or maintenance sessions occurring around 1990 at a couple of defense contractor companies - Lockheed in Burbank and another company near the 101 Freeway between Thousand Oaks and Camarillo. When I was growing up, my father worked in southern California doing quality control work for defense contractors, including Lockheed and Litton.
In the early 1990s I was a member of a National Guard band located at the Pt. Mugu Naval Air Station in Ventura County, the site of some of Sue’s programming. I was allowed to resign from my unit before my normal separation date. This was followed by a series of rapid moves over the next two years to Portland, Honolulu, San Jose and Tucson that kept me destabilized and poor. (“Keep yourself poor,” etc.)
In 2007 I requested my complete school records (health and academic) from the LA Unified School District, thinking there might be mention of my speech therapy sessions, but when I received the records, the earliest school year they covered was the 7th grade – nothing at all on elementary school except mentioning that my previous school was Gledhill Elementary.
To leave you with the impression that my childhood was miserable would be misleading. At the conscious level my childhood was fun. I had a loving family and many friends to play with. I felt very appreciated at home and at school. During later difficult adult years, which included poverty and briefly staying at homeless shelters, two episodes in my life gave me faith that I could again experience a satisfying lifestyle:
- A happy middle-class childhood
- Being happily employed 1972-1975 as a musician in the US Army – a job where I was doing what I enjoyed every day, had an abundance of friends, and was free from money worries.
San Jose Abduction
Self-Deprogramming Method
The method I used for memory retrieval was a type of journal work that I call self-deprogramming. When a scene or likely command came into consciousness, I would write it down, ask my mind questions for more details and then write down how my mind responded. I was careful to write down incidents or type them on a computer, instead of trying to keep it all in my head.
After collecting information on the commands, intentions and other details, I followed up with corrective affirmations and often a revisualizing of the programming incident. In the imaginary revised version I would not receive the negative programming – I would imagine having the power to decline it and to go along with my life in any way that I chose. I also often times mentally returned the programming commands and intentions to the originators. The method I used is explained in more detail in Part 2.
1976 San Jose Abduction
In 2005 I recalled a 1976 abduction incident of walking through or being taken through a portal to a hospital type setting and receiving programming. In the first half of 1976 I was doing well as a college music student and happy with life in general. Within a few months after the supposed abduction my life crashed. I dropped out of college and joined a religious cult (Scientology), working for a salary of $5 a week.
In the summer of 1976 I was walking in a hallway about to enter the seating area of the San Jose Performing Arts Center to watch a performance. Excerpts from my notes:
[J = Jerry]
Taken through a portal - confused. Nurse there to guide me to surgery.
I ask questions. Where am I? What are we here for?
Nurse: We are here to help you.
I first questioned it and then tried to resist. A being behind me shot something into the base of my neck to make me cooperative. I then went with the nurse. [walked or on a gurney? not clear]
Medical personnel around me with surgery masks.
Doctor over me
Nurse: He’s having a little trouble breathing
Dr. 1: Careful, you’ll be giving him a new line of commands
Dr. 2: Who the fuck cares
J: (I smell burning flesh during the surgery. A nose implant.)
Dr. 2: Okay get him out of here (disdain)
Programming given
Your life now begins to fall apart and you will never be able to put it back together.
Your life is falling apart.
I was returned to the auditorium hallway and continued inside to attend the concert. Felt a little different, a little off balance, less happy.
They tested the nose implant and were satisfied. They fed me subliminal thoughts.
“Your life is now falling apart.”
That summer I became heavily involved with a local branch of the church of scientology. I dropped out of college and adopted a brainwashed, poverty lifestyle with a scientology organization in Los Angeles.
Replay – visualize a revised version of the incident.
I decline to be abducted. I have a bright light aura that protects me. I go into the audience and sit down and enjoy the concert. No abduction. My life keeps getting more satisfying.
My procedure of visualizing a revised version of the scene wherein I do not receive negative programming is related to a similar concept found in Seth books by Jane Roberts of creating or strengthening alternate timelines or probabilities. It’s not like I’m trying to deny the existence of the painful programming timeline, but I simply choose to strengthen or experience a more satisfying probability. I don’t want the programmers dictating which timeline I stay on.
The following recollections tie in with the 1976 incident. I haven’t sorted all of it out, but there was apparently some manipulation of time. I have had some difficulty clearly recalling every place that I have lived and worked as an adult.
[Dates before scene descriptions refer to the date of the memory retrieval session, not to the date of the incident being reviewed. P = Programmer]
Sunday, October 15, 2006
While working on a list of places where I have lived, I remembered these commands:
P: You have no idea what you want to do with your life. This will permeate all of your life from childhood through old age and death. You have no idea what you want to do with your life. You have the power to do this – to command to yourself at all stages of your life and you now do this.
He had a calm, soothing voice that made me feel cooperative.
Those commands were given in 1976. I remember thinking the thought “I don’t know what I want to do with my life” while a student at Gledhill Elementary School, but it may have originated in the future.
Corrective affirmations
I choose to have and enjoy a fun and fulfilling lifestyle.
This choice permeates all of my life periods, including infancy, childhood, adolescence, and adulthood
I choose to have a productive, fun and fulfilling lifestyle at all stages of my life.
Another command from that period was designed to span the past and future:
P: This command applies retroactively from this point back to your birth and from this point forward until your death.
Friday, May 06, 2005
P: You stay in the timeline that has the least possible happiness and fulfillment for you.
P: You can never make good progress in your timeline.
When: 1976, toward the end of the session to crash my life. A timeline expert was called in.
Return to Sender: I send your commands and intentions back to you and all within your hierarchy.
Corrective affirmations:
I keep myself in the timelines and locations that maximize my success and enjoyment.
I am keeping myself in timelines and locations that allow me to give and receive love abundantly.
I wisely decide when to enter or leave timelines.
1965 Hospital Visit
April 2005
Background:
I was in the process of finding housing in Salinas to prepare for my upcoming move from Bakersfield to Monterey County. In March I read “The Mars Records” and “Pat’s Story,” both by Stephanie Relfe.
Sunday, April 03, 2005
I released an individual from my past last night: A reptilian doctor who administered oxygen (and who knows what else) after an asthma attack when I entered a hospital in 1965. This doctor was similar to the one I recalled in 1976.
A lot of the dialog in these recollections was telepathic rather than spoken.
1965 asthma attack
After having a childhood asthma attack one evening, my father drove me to Valley Presbyterian Hospital in Van Nuys. This is the same hospital where Sue Ford’s daughter, Kelly, was born.
Breathing in oxygen with a mask on my face to recover from asthma attack
P: (his attitude: humans are worthless beings – they can’t even keep their bodies working.)
P: You’re ours now. We own you.
Corrective affirmations
I have full control of my mind, body and life.
I have full self-determinism
I keep myself fully protected and safe.
The doctor in the emergency room is a reptilian filled with a lot of hatred now directed at me. He adjusts his gloves while glaring.
P: (thoughts directed to me) – I wish I could strangle you now, but they won’t let me do that – Yet.
His intent: to terrorize, traumatize.
P: You can breathe for now but only as long as I allow you to. I could kill you in an instant if I wanted to.
P: Roughly adjusts oxygen mask. Nurses caution him (mentally or spoken?) against hurting me. He glares at them. He lets them do their work alone for a while.
. . .
P: Get him out of here (disdain)
J: (thought) “I’m not loved here”
P. (telepathically) Exactly! You are damn right you are not loved. Not here, not anywhere. You have never been loved and you never will be. (His job was to amplify or intensify any negative feelings or attitudes on my part.)
Corrective affirmations
I am fully loved.
I am fully loving.
I am always fully loved, appreciated and protected.
I openly love and appreciate others.
I keep myself happily involved in loving relationships with others.
I am always worthy of being loved.
I forgive myself for wanting to experience how it feels to be unloved and unprotected. There is no need to do this again.
P: (mentally) You came without protection and you will always be unprotected. We will do with you whatever you wish.
N: Nurse thinks of him as a bully. He glares at her.
Nurses remove me. They criticize the doctor in their minds.
P. (to nurse) You’re next (punishment for empathizing with me.)
At least one nurse feels sadness for me.
I realize I am still loved.
Corrective Affirmations
I am fully loved and protected.
I am continually loved and protected no matter where I am or who I am with.
I am actively loving others.
I lovingly care for others.
I am always lovingly cared for.
I feel loved and protected.
Visualizing a revised version of the incident:
Administer oxygen in the hallway while sitting outside the emergency room. Do not enter the emergency room or lay down on a table. Or better yet, never have the asthma attack – keep breathing freely and easily at home, sleeping comfortably and safely.
Internal Structures
Some of my programming was designed to fragment existing aspects of my personality. This seems to have been emphasized over the creation of new alters. A multi-faceted diamond-like internal structure was put in place. On a few other occasions, a different shaped structure was noted - a castle.
I recalled some scenes in which aspects of my personality were isolated by being placed within cells of the large diamond or other structures. Also, a control center was created that was not accessible to my conscious mind.
Shattered Glass
May 2005 Notes
This was from a programming incident where a mustached programmer threw something on the floor that shattered into tiny bits. The date of the incident is associated with 1976 – apparently a program intended to reverse the recent progress in my life. But I also get a picture of this type of event occurring in the 1960s in one of the medical offices at the Sepulveda VA hospital.
P: (Throws something on the floor [a vase?] that shatters into thousands of bits.)
P: The glass is totally shattered. Shattered into a thousand pieces. It can never be reassembled again. Just like your life. Your life is totally shattered and it can never be put back together again. Never.
Your life is falling apart, crumbling, shattering into a thousand pieces.
Intent: Shatter my recent progress in life (1976). Eliminate the possibility of recovering from the shattering of my life.
Return to Sender. I return your intentions of having a shattered life to you and all in your hierarchy. amen.
Corrective affirmations
My life is integrated.
My mind is integrated and healthy.
I have reassembled a successful lifestyle for myself.
My life is unified and strengthened.
Memories of an event can return in layers. After some of a scene’s details have entered awareness and been integrated, additional information on the incident can later rise to conscious awareness. In 2007 I recovered more details that had not come into conscious awareness when I previously examined the incident.
P: (almost angrily) You shall split yourself into a thousand pieces – a thousand scattered pieces just as I did with the vase. You will never be able to put the pieces back together. The pieces of your personality will never communicate with each other again except when I decide.
After working on integrating the personality fragments and dialoguing with some of them, I soon felt more integrated and stronger - more at peace with myself and life. The information at Survivorship proved helpful with this.
I used a visualization to dismantle the diamond structure, letting its walls dissolve while imagining my various personality elements communicating with each other and integrating with me.
Compartmentalizing
Monday, January 09, 2006
Been feeling more happy about life, a joyful side of my personality is becoming more manifest. I realized that the joyful part of my personality had been compartmentalized through VA hospital programming.
(I have been sedated before this session)
P: Locate the part of you that is joyful and happy.
Me: Okay (smiling, eyes closed)
P: Now, for now we are going to put that part of you in a box, a strong metal box that is tightly sealed shut.
Me: Why?
P: (Pauses, not sure how to answer. More than one programmer present.)
You don’t need to know why. Just trust us. We are your friends.
Me: Okay
P: (relieved) . . . Now put the part of you that is joyful and has fun into the metal box and seal it. We will help you get that part out of the box later.
Me: Okay.
P: The part of you that is happy and enjoys life is now locked away and sealed in the metal box forever.
Me: Why?
P: He was bad and this is what he deserves.
Me: Okay
P: That concludes our session (guides me gradually back to consciousness)
Corrective Affirmations
The part of me that has fun and wants to have fun is now out in the open and really enjoying life.
You are free to enjoy life and be happy.
You are free to explore and enjoy all of life.
I am freely enjoying and exploring life.
I am free to enjoy life in whatever way I choose.
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
P: What personality attributes in yourself do you consider most essential?
J: (drugged, lying down) That would be my ability to _____.
P: Very good. Then that is what we shall handle first.
P: The part of you that knows how to _____ is surrounded by darkness. He is becoming smaller and smaller. So small that you can no longer see him or find him. He’s gone and he stays gone.
J: But won’t I ever find him?
P: No. He’s gone forever. It’s okay. That’s the way your life is meant to be. It’s fine.
J: (Sighs, feeling sad, a tear forms.)
Return the commands and intentions to sender and his hierarchy for their edification.
Corrective Affirmations:
The part of me that knows how to _____ is back!
I am so happy and grateful now that _____ [Bob Proctor’s affirmation]
I trust my ability to _____.
Amen.
Related to the concept of fragmenting my personality was the idea of isolating me from higher guidance and benevolent spiritual assistance. Here is a series of commands that was intended to achieve that:
Friday, February 16, 2007
I realized I had been blocked from receiving spiritual guidance.
I ask when: 1965, part of my graduation present upon leaving Gledhill Elementary School.
P: You are ashamed of yourself.
You have no spirit guides
You have no guardian angels
You are all alone.
No one will help you.
No one can help you.
Your calls for help are ignored.
You are unworthy.
You are ashamed of yourself.
Intent:
To crush me spiritually
To make it impossible for me to be connected to valid spiritual guidance or assistance
Corrective Affirmations:
I am in close communication with my source self and spirit guides
I am very receptive to beneficial, harmonious spiritual guidance.
I clearly recognize whether guidance that I receive is valid or not valid
I work cooperatively with benevolent spirit guides.
I am worthy of receiving outstanding spiritual guidance and assistance
I have an abundance of healthy, fun productive relationships with dear friends.
I have abundant help here on earth and wherever I travel.
I provide wise, loving help to others.
I love myself as I am.
I love others as they are.
I continue to improve myself.
I am patient and forgiving toward myself.
I give and receive love abundantly.
I have an abundance of helpful allies in my life
I comfortably and effectively work with my allies.
I forgive myself for my human flaws.
I love myself as I am and as I was.
I forgive myself for my ignorance.
I am lovable as I am.
Career and Goals
When I was growing up – including in high school – I had no idea what I wanted to do or be as an adult; I did not picture myself in any particular job or career. As an adult I have not had a career, shifting from job to job. I have worked at approximately 60 jobs in the past twenty-five years. Not until after working on self-deprogramming did I realize there was a connection between not having a career and programming.
Over the years I recall saying to myself on several occasions, “I have no career.” Until I started self-deprogramming, I thought I was just making an objective observation of my life.
Monday, February 19, 2007
While reading Teri Mahaney’s affirmation script on careers from her book Supersleep, I got in touch with programming intended to block me from having a successful career.
P: You have no career and you never will.
When: 1963 and 1965
Corrective Affirmations:
I have the career of my choice.
I have a fabulously satisfying career.
I have a wonderfully satisfying and rewarding career.
I love my work, jobs and career.
I am very successful in my chosen career
I have the career that is most satisfying to me.
I can have successful multiple careers
I obliterate, totally nullify and release any and all blocks to my career enjoyment and success.
Goals
Programmers on a few occasions asked me (while drugged or hypnotized) about my purposes and goals.
Notes from September 2007
While in an unconscious trance state they asked:
P: What is your purpose for this lifetime?
. . .
P: Practically speaking what is your main line of work planned for this lifetime?
. . .
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
P: This world is incompatible with your goals.
P: You are in the wrong place to achieve your goals
P: This is the wrong time for you to achieve your goals
Return to Sender
Corrective Affirmations:
I am in the right place to achieve my goals.
This is the right time for me to achieve my goals.
I am easily and steadily achieving my goals.
I am achieving my goals right here.
This world is a wonderful place for me to achieve my goals.
This is the right place and time for me to achieve my goals.
This is the perfect time for me to achieve my goals.
Friday, June 10, 2005
P: You have weak willpower
You are never able to finish or follow through on what you intend to accomplish,
You need opposition
You need more opposition
You like opposition
You continuously create more and more opposition to your goals, desires, dreams, and ambitions.
Corrective affirmations
I am allowing opposition to withdraw and fade away from my life.
You are efficiently and enjoyably achieving your objectives and goals.
You have the knowledge and power to achieve your goals.
I am maintaining very high levels of production, service and satisfaction.
The following memory seemed to be of an event that occurred at an astral level. Before I got in contact with VA hospital childhood programming incidents, I was doing quite a bit of reviewing of astral level scenes. The participants were able to manipulate their appearance and the scenes using their thoughts. I noticed that some events that I experienced on earth had parallels to previous events at an astral level; kind of like the blueprint being established in a less physical setting.
I occasionally recalled scenes where I was used in demonstrations. The following is an example. In this case the programmer wanted to ask questions about the nature of the universe and collect information on the most damaging programming to give me. I’m not clear on the relationship between my consciousness at that time and the body he was working on. The body was basically immobile and not being consciously used by me.
Friday, March 25, 2005
P: What is the most unpleasant experience you can imagine going through?
J: Being unable to express love – unable to give or receive love
P: Aha, now we are getting somewhere. What else?
J: The inability to feel love.
P: (to onlookers) There you have it. And now deliver some commands to make sure this is exactly what happens.
P: You are forever becoming less able to give and receive love.
Your life is filled with the pain of not being able to express love.
You are always separated from your loved ones.
(applause from onlookers)
He acknowledges the applause.
P: (continues programming) You will have no conscious recollection of my commands. However, you will obey my commands always.
. . .
P. What is the most destructive command that could be given throughout the universe?
J: You shall neither feel nor express love any longer.