The IB Gnomes are out there!!

A somewhat fictional account about the sadistic gnomes that torture kids for fun.

By Roby Riker, an IB victim

Welcome to the home for all that is IB humor!!

You are the person to learn the truth since June 30th, 2001

Today is because you've probably forgotten, with all those papers to write

Good luck on the IB tests, everyone! You'll need it... bu-ha-ha-ha!

I have found a new, fun activity for you poor people to do after your IB tests:Jardinains! It's like Breakout! only with flying gnomes you have to hit with a paddle... very addicting. Not recommended for college students who are studying very hard to pass physics... like me... :)

Here's the story: the International Baccalaureate (or IB, to us insiders) is, as the name hints, an international educational program that, or so they tell us, was set up to give diplomats kids a consistent education when they would move from country to country with there parents. Or that's what IB tells people.

The truth is, the IB program is just a clever front for a group of sadistic gnomes living in IB land that love to torture kids. They've fooled educational system in countries all over the world to believe that this program was for the advancing of knowledge of the kids, when really, it's all part of the gnomes plan for world domination. Shocking, huh?

At this point, you're probably saying, "No, this can't be true. Any body would recognize a scheming plot put on by lawn ornaments to take over the world by the destruction of today's youth." You must remember how smart this little guys are. There's a lot of brains hidden under those big, floppy hats. These are not your average lawn gnomes.

Let me tell you a little bit about the methods the gnomes take to ruin kids minds. Through the laborious task of writing the almighty internal and external assessment, the typical IB candidate (another fancy gnome word for student) racks their brain trying to write a paper that will score a good mark so she could get into a seemingly "good" college. The candidate will spend many hours in the depths of some library trying to locate information for the assessment from some book that no one has checked out since it was published in the 1700's just because it's a primary source and someone else had checked out every other book on their topic out already and many more sleepless nights trying to fit all the useless information found from this equally useless book into their paper. And then, when they finally turn their paper in, if it's an internal assessment, the teachers is forced by the gnomes to grade the assessment by the impossibly high standards that no human could score well on. But an external assessment, is worse. These papers are graded by the gnomes themselves!! Sure, the IB coordinator of a school thinks their sending them to a foreign country for people to read and grade, but these seemingly real people are actually gnomes in disguise who deliver the external assessments to the gnomes themselves living in the far off Land of IB located on another dimensional plane.

And then, there is the biggest punishment of all: the IB test. These are cumulative exams that force the IB candidate to recall every bit of information the gnomes have feed into their heads from the two years in their IB classes and write it down on a 11 page book of green and white paper. The candidate will spend hours and days and weeks trying to absorb knowledge to try and gain the elusive SEVEN, which no actual human being can obtain (unless you are an alien... or a gnome...). And if that's not grueling enough, this booklet is coated with a layer of mercury undetectable to modern science that, after the multiple tests the candidates take, deposits enough mercury inside the body of the candidate to eventually drive them insane. Some symptoms of this insanity are the spelling of the word "behavior" with a "u" or "control" with a "u" and the candidate constantly finding comparisons between real life and the useless information the gnomes feed the candidate.

So here is the story behind the mistreatment of thousands of children all over the world. This may seem to hard for you to believe, but trust me, it's true. For I am currently trapped in this web and still have one more year before I can again be free, also I don't know how much of my sanity I'll have left at the end of my captivity. So I warn you, STAY AWAY FROM IB!!! Save Yourself!! It's too late for me, but you might still have time!!

Disclaimer: This is a 100% factually unsupported writing. Cringe, gnomes, cringe!! And I know many people who have scored the elusive SEVEN on IB tests. I’m fairly certain they are not aliens... or gnomes. I think.

And guess what everyone? I'M FINALLY DONE WITH IB!!!! And I got my diploma. And credit at my university! So have hope. I did not let the gnomes win! You can do it! :)

Are you on Neopets? It is SUCH a cool website!!!! Please use this link to join!! They have LAWN GNOMES now!! yay!! If you are already on Neopets, my screen name is pattitheplatypus! Enjoy!

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