Owen Cafeteria by J. Simon

On an East Lansing campus
Critiques in my lair
Warm smell of burritos
Rising up over there

Up ahead in the distance
I saw a crusty entree
My head grew heavy and my sight grew dim
'Twas the meal of the day

It congealed on my platter
I caught its rancid smell
An' I was thinking to myself,
This could be hades or it could be hell

So I ate jumbalaya
Though I knew I would pay
There were voices from my tablemates
I thought I heard them say

Welcome to the Owen Cafeteria
If you eat the food (if you eat the food)
Then I'm sorry, dude.
Plenty of grub at the Owen Cafeteria
Don't you wonder how (don't you wonder how)
Old it might be now?

I saw Hilary feeding
Stroganoff to some men
She got lots of pretty, pretty boys
That she calls friends

How they dance in the courtyard
Spasms, stomach cramps
Some eat voluntar'ly
Some re-qui-re clamps

So I called up the captain
"Please bring me my wine"
He about laughed his ass off
Gave me sugary brine

An' still those voices are calling from under my tray
Make you laugh milk out of your nose
Just to hear them say

Welcome to the Owen Cafeteria
If you eat the food (if you eat the food)
Then I'm sorry, dude.
Livin' it up at the Owen Cafeteria
What a nice surprise (what a nice surprise)
Servin' onion pies

Cream of canteloupe soup is,
Pinkish goo in cups, an' we said,
"We are all just prisoners here,
everyone who sups."

And in Lister's chambers
They gathered for the feast
They stab it with their steely knives
But they just can't kill the beast

Last thing I remember
I was running for the door
I had to drive away and find
Some food that wasn't poor

"Relax", said the server
"We are watching for your health
"You can check out anything you like
But you can not feed yourself."

filked J. Simon, Jul 01 1999