H.O.L.B

THe last few months have been reallly hectic, lots of studying and D2D missions (oh, and i had to show up as lambuel again!!! luckily no one attacked me).... so i haven't been updating this page. sorry about that. so i'll just put a quick update before i head off to church.....

Andy.. who got his BS in Ministry Engineering from F.U. last month.. was made a junior deacon at Mt. Fellowship and put in charge of the Door2Door mission, so I get to attend the planning meetings now (I also got to do some training missions with new missionaries).

We had a prayerstorming session at the first meeting I went to and came up with a new missioning idea for summer: the Good News Ice Cream Truck (I wanted to call it the "Christ Cream Truck" but everyone seemed to not like that idea.. I think Andy was a bit upset with me for embaressing him by suggesting it). Basicaly its a regular ice cream truck that we got used, only we fixed it so it plays that "Glory Glory Hallalujah" song. But the cool part is we give out free "Faithsicles" (which are popsicles we made with Bible passages printed on the sticks) and Bible tracts (we made one specifically for the mission called "I Scream, You Scream, We All Scream For The King of Kings") to everyone and offer to pray with people and tell them the Good News of Jesus.. we even put a tub in the back in case we need to perform emergency baptisms, although i'm not allowed to do that. If it works out well, we might get more trucks so we can cover the entire town.

Anyways, it's lots of fun.. I get to scoop ice cream for the "Sundays" (which are regular sundaes, although i thought they were spelled that way already, whatever) and also drive since Andy thinks he should handle the side window until we get the new missioning protocols worked out.. oh yeah, and the white uniform we have is less stuffy then my normal witnessing suit (I just hope no one has the bright idea of having me wear the Lambuel costume..) Kids really love the truck, they come running out when we drive around the neighborhood with the music playing (although i think some of the Secular parants don;t like us.. the second day someone called the cops and complained about our music so we had to turn the volume down.. well, I guess it was a bit loud, but like Skeet says "Turn it to 11 so they can hear it in Heaven!")

Yesterday I had to dress up as Lambuel again (no one from Busta Mime wanted to fill in) for an event at a local bookstore that was selling copies of Mrs. Miller's new Lambuel coloring book.. "Lambuel Visits The Museum".. only things went kind of bad....

I was supposed to show up and hand out lambuel masks and coloring tracts and entertain the kids, but there was a schedueling mixup and we found out that some people in Veggietales costumes were also there promoting an Easter video.. of course, they were all like "we're more important cause we're a national franchise so you'll have to do your appearance in the back of the store" although Mrs. Miller explained to them that we had the date booked like two weeks ago. The manager apologized and we compromised and set up our tables on opposite sides by the front door.

Things went downhill from there.. most of the kids that came in went to the veggietales first since they had three characters and we had just me (Mrs Miller still hasnt gotten a Ruby or Hopsiah costume made) and their display was more attention getting since uncolored coloring books aren't very colorful.. also, they were playing their video really loud.

Worse of all they wouldn't stick to their side of the store.. one of the Veggietales guys (he was some sort of eggplant, i think, i've never actually seen the show).. was getting all up in my business and wouldnt stop pestering me.. he kept hanging around me and slapping my lambuel ears when no one was looking.. I eventually lost my temper and pushed his arm away, but because i was wearing those weird hoove gloves i accidentaly slipped and hit him in the face, which caused him to trip and fall over. Then one of his friends.. i think it was the asparagus.. saw what happened and came over and pushed me from behind.. so i turned around to push him back, but ended up knocking his head off, which made the kids in the store start to cry... anyway it was a big mess and both us and the vegetables were asked to leave.. hopefully Mrs. Miller can convince the manager overlook the incident (which they started) and let us come back at another time when we won't have to compete with prima donna produce.

I've been informed that I'll be playing Lambuel at the Fellowship Daycare "Jamin'boree" show on the 18th that Skeet's putting on.. Mrs. Miller had the Lambuel handler costume from the parade fixed up and got a proper Lambuel head made for it to replace the hoody thing with ears. She said that until they get a real Lambuel performer that they need me to fill in, since the costume fits me. I hope they find one, cause what with going to kid shows as lambuel and doing the Door2door ministry i won't have alot of time left for studying for the theobiology exams. Skeet told me he's going to talk to one of the members of Busta Mime Ministry and try and get him to play lambuel, but they have there own shows to do, so I wil probably get stuck with it.. i guess i should practice dancing along to Skeet's "Goo goo goo, jesus loves you" kids song.

Thanks for your prayers, my ankle is feeling much better and I can get around on it just fine now..

I went out on some more D2D missions with Andy this week. I think i'm getting the hang of it, at least the flock ministering part. However i keep learning new stuff, like Andy told me that the Mormons in town have been mormon-baptizing citizens without their knowledge.. aparently when they go to people's houses they collect names and information about family members, then they go back to their temple and get mormon-baptized in the names of the non-mormons, making those people mormons (according to them). They even do this with dead people, like Albert Einstein and Shari Lewis.

Andy says that this can be a real problem since even though "baptism by proxy" isn't sanctioned by God, the fact that they do it properly with full immursion (unlike the Catholics and other "sprinkle sects") means that the people who have this done to them could have problems when they try to get into Heaven, like delays or something. Andy told me his father, Pastor Dr. Miller, is going to fix the problem by having the effected people come in and get unbaptized (which i guess involves sand or something, I don't know) and then rebaptized properly.. So Andy and me have been gathering names of those that may have had contact with the mormon missionaries. Hopefully we can get them all fixed up before any of them die (which is a real concern, cause most of the ones we've visited are little old ladies.)

I sprained my ankle helping to pull the Lambuel balloon in the Fellowship Thanksgivings Day Parade. In case you didn't see it on the local news, it was windy and some of the handlers lost their grip on the cables near the bend going to Mt. Fellowship church and I and a couple of others got dragged down the street for a while. It was really scary at the time, people were running after us trying to grab the lines and kids watching the parade were screaming and crying cause the balloon kept lunging at the crowd. Eventually Lambuel smashed into the church's steeple and stayed there for the rest of the parade, with his head half inflated and his arm holding the Bible flapping around in the wind. He got pretty tangled up there to, they didn't manage to get him removed untill today.

Apart from the sprained ankle I wasn't hurt that bad since the Lambuel costume kept me from getting scraped up, but I guess I won't be going D2D missioning this week.

I went on my first Door2Door mission on saturday with Andy. we went to a few houses near Mt Fellowship and we talked with the people about Jesus and His Love and stuff.. it was ok, but a little boring since we mostly talked to old ladies. we didn't actually meet any non-christians, Andy said we were just doing "flock ministering" work for starters cause trainees aren't supposed to go on conversion missions in their first month. Mainly we're just supposed to talk to old people and make them feel better.

Andy said the most difficult part of flock ministering is you have to deal with the Mormons and the Jehovah's Witnesses who are always trying to move in on our territory and confuse Christians in the neighborhood. Like we went to one house near the border of Mormon territory and talked to Mrs Ferguson, whos a widow who goes to Mt Fellowship. Shes nice but a little out of it. Aparently the Mormons came by the day before and she let them in since she doesn't have anyone to talk to during the day. they gave her a book of Mormon, which Andy says is some made up add on to the Bible about space aliens or something. Anyways, we talked to her for a while and asked her to give us the book so we could get rid of it for her and she did. After we left Andy called into HQ and had them send some experienced D2D missionaries to monitor her house in case the Mormons tried to sneak back in and to make sure she has a real Christian to talk to every day.

There's mostly Mormons on this side of town.. Andy says there a nuisance but not to much trouble, although he said some of them carry these brass ring-with-a-ball things that are supposed to be doorknockers but that they sometimes use like brass knuckles if they're cornered. Most of them are about my age and they ride around on these special Mormon bikes with hawaiian names for some reason. Andy says they usually ride off if they see Baptists coming.

the Jehovah's Witnesses on the other side of town though are real trouble. Andy says theyre always very serious and aren't afraid of confrontations. the older JW missionaries travel in these creepy old black Buick type cars, if you drive by their church or hall or whatever they call it you can see them all parked outside. the younger ones go by car to sometimes and will actually pick fights with D2D missionaries, so you have to watch out for them. but the weird thing about the ones my age is they look like thugs but they listen to Prince! (yeah, the weird singer guy who writes like a girl using IM) whats up with that?

Anyways, luckily i don't have to deal with them.. yet.

I started mission training yesterday after church. We have to train with someone experienced for a month before we are allowed to go out on our own. I was paired with Andy Miller, Pastor Miller's son, cause he knows alot about door2door witnessing and Mrs. Miller thought we'd get along. But we didn't actually go witnessing today, instead me and the other trainees had an orientation class where we learned the basics of door2door witnessing.. and man is it alot more complicated then i thoughht it'd be! there's lots of things we have to know.. like memorizing opening lines and methods of dealing with common false arguments that atheists and other ignorant people might bring up. They gave us a bunch of worksheets to study (and i still have to write that paper on the Theory of Natural Theology and the Neo-Kantian Synthesis for Theobiology 101!! Sean.. please email me your notes!!)

One thing i don't have to study, cause they stressed it so much, is that under no circumstances are trainees to perform baptisms (they said it might cause "ebaptization" and put the people at risk of going to hell) and if someone asks us to be baptised we are supposed to contact HQ on our cell phone to have the baptism van sent. They were very clear on this cause apparently some years ago a trainee witness tried to baptize a bunch of people and messed up and like half of them ended up becoming Mormons or something.. i'm not sure exactly how that happend, they didn't go into details. Even experienced door2door witnesses like Andy are only supposed to baptise people if its a dire emergency, like if someones dying and there's no pastor around or if the Rapture Trumpets are sounding (although Andy's training to be a pastor like his dad, so he says he already knows how to do them right.)

Anyways, today i'm scheduled to get measured for my witnessing uniform, which is a suit made of some kind of material that repels rain, and i think it has special pockets or something. Hopefully i'll go on my first mission this week.

I got back the results from my MSP test and i got the "Door2Door Mission" so i guess i'll be getting to know everyone in the neighborhood this year...

Oh yeah, and I learned that there going to have a big Lambuel balloon in this years Fellowship Thanksgiving day parade that Mt. Fellowship church and F.U. put on. Mrs. Miller told me that they were able to get a used snoopy ballon and have it altered. The thing's supposed to be really big and so they need a lot of people to pull it and i was volunteered to help. I have to wear a Lambuel costume while doing it too, which is kind of stupid, I mean why would a bunch of little lambuels be pulling along a big lambuel? but I guess the kids like it.

Yesterday i saw a orientation movie at the Fellowship auditorium that all sophmore students have to go see. it was weird.. it had all these still photos shown one right after the other really fast with single words like "faith" and "God" cut inbetween and set to some old music. I think its from the 70's cause of the way people were dressed and one of them had Gerald Ford in it (at least i think it was him, the images started going by so fast i didn't know what some of them were.. Ford's the one that looks like Homer Simpson, right?).

After that we had to take some weird multiple choice psychological test thingy for the Mission Service Program to see what sort of mission we're suited for, cause we need mission credits to graduate. I'm hoping i get into the Mall Mission program, that's supposed to be fun. well, any of them is ok as long as it isn't the Phone Mission program... one guy i know got that last year and he told me that everyone always yelled at him or insulted him when he called. i mean, you would think people would be happy to hear about Jesus, but i guess Pastor Miller is right about how secularism has got lots of people confused.

On saturady I went to the "Rockin' Jews 4 Jesus" event in the Fellowship auditorium for Rosh Hashanah.. it was kickass!! Zounds and someother local bands played, they even had a "rosh pit" to dance around in.... oh and they had this guy, Jacob Bernstein, who had this weird electrified shofar (thats a jewish trumpet made from a rams horn.. case you didnt know) and hes like world famous or something. he could actually make the horn sound like it was talking, you know like that old rocker dude with the guitar from the 70's, only he made it say stuff in hebrew, it was amazing!!!

The event is something new they are trying this year. The whole thing was about reaching out to our jewish friends to let them know about Christianity, so i invited my cousin Michael. he didn't want to come at first cause he said it was creepy, but i told him that everyone at Fellowship is really cool so he came. he's not really religious so i dont think he liked the sermons (well.. i couldn't understand half of what Pastor Miller was saying either.. he kept going on about "dispinsationalism" (sp?) whatever that means), but he said the honey dipped apples were good and he liked it when Zounds played "Oy! Lang Syne" at the end.

For those of you who keep asking.. yeah, i'm the voice of Hopsiah! Mrs. Miller wanted to convert her cartoons on the OBJECTIVE sight into Flash, so i helped her. (some inside news.. shes in negotiations with TBN for a saturday morning cartoon show featuring Lambuel.. turns out Jan Crouch is a big Ruby fan!! how cool is that?) back to me.. I've been taking a course in Flash at Fellowship University and i've learned alot. Fellowship has a great new webdesign school that they just opened this year, with a emphasis on visual witnessing techniques.. they've hired instructors who have worked on websites since the web was created and know alot about how to effectively use the medium to spread the Word (our HTML instructor was the guy who invented the blink tag (!!) before leaving Netscape to create a missionary web portal..) if you are thinking of going into the field, you should definately check out F.U.

hmmm.. what else..? oh yeah, i have a mini-game review of "One Nation Under God: America's Christian Founders" up on the Zounds YRM sight.. i might do more reviews when i getthe time.. and be sure to check out the new CD from downhere (a cool band Skeet introduced me to) it rocks!! Shalom out..

does anyone know how to get covenent eyes to work with my anti-virus software (pc-cillin)?!?! Skeet says hes not getting the reports on me from them like he should... email me if you know

hi! just thought i'd do an update to let you all know whats going on with me, since i haven't written anything in a while. i updated the layout of the page a bit since i have learned a lot about webmastering since i last updated. hope you like it!

what i've been up to... i've been busy at school and with helping the people at OBJECTIVE: Ministries with their site. i graduated from Fellowship High and am now accross the street at Fellowship U. i'm taking Dr. Paley's intro to biology class and its a real mind blower! did you know that dinosaurs are still alive?! how cool is that!? he even showed us pictures! you won't see that in a secular university... oh, and i made the football team! you're looking at (err.. reading?) the Crusading Wildcat's new prayer coach!

oh yeah, and today me and a bunch of guys i know from Zounds are going to protest at the new Matrix movie. remember... "say no for those who said YES!"

c'ya round!

i thought i would let you all know how things have been with me.....

first off.. thanks to everyone who sent me email wishing me well and welcomeing me into Christs love.. its nice to know that i made the right choice and that people support my choice..

sorry for not updating my sight for so long.. i have been busy.. i started attending Fellowship Christian high last month.. it has been difficult getting used to being at a christian school... everyone here is sooo much nicer here and there are no gang members or drugs.. everyon is to busy being high on Jesus to smoke pot like they did at my old school!!! my old school was a secular public school.. we never learned about Jesus there or God or anything important.. they also taught stuff there that i have since learned to be wrong like sex ed and evolution... you know i was always seeing pregnant cheerleaders and people who went around acting like animals and it never acured to me that that sort of stuff should be wrong.. i now know that i was being brain washed by the sex ed and evolution type stuff into thinking that immorality was ok!!

...but all that isnt a problem here at fellowship high.. everyone here is dedicated to abstinance until mariage and we are now being exposed to the real science of creation instead of the false religion of darwinism.. i say we cause there are other kids here like me who have been born again and have gotten out of the secular schools.. we have a prayer group just for us where we are given special attention to "deprogram" us from the stuff that we were forced to learn and believe in.. we meet every day after classes and talk and pray and stuff.. i have already made some good friends there

since fellowship high was far from my home i have been staying at the campus dorms.. its kind of weird living at school.. i mean for a high school i know they do that in college.. but its actually good for me cause i will be immursed in a Christian enviroment and so i wont revert back to secular ways.. my parents at first didnt like the idea of me attending but my friend Skeet.. the guy from objective.. visited us and talked to them and it was cool with them.. i even qualified for a emergancy "born again scholarship" that they have for those who are trying to get out of the secular schools and life style..

i am still getting used to this but i think that i am going to like it here.. ill post more later.. until then thanks for all your support and God bless..

hi.. my name is Kyle Goldman.. i would like to appologize to Jim Carlson, Zach Shaw, Jodi Fix and to the others who i insulted.. im sorry.. i was wrong.....

Jesus is cool

God is not in the TV but is in our hearts.. i know that now.. hate and anger are not the answers they just mess you up! i renounce HOLByism and Manson.. i will no longer defend Chris Harpers Landover site.. what he is doing is hurtful because it makes it so people dont want to know what Jesus said and think that people who follow Christ are weirdos... i know cause i thought that and Landover just told me what i wanted to hear!!

i think i need to explain my change of heart..i went to church today.. Jim Carlson from the Objective site hooked me up with a local baptist church and said i should just go and see.. at first i thought the idea was stupid but i went anyways.. i told myself that i was going as a joke and cause they had free food but.. i mean i felt compelled to go.. i think the Lord was moving me or something.. who knows!.... but i went.

it wasnt what i had thought it would be.. tv had filled me with wrong ideas about christians and.. i dont know.. i thought they would be handeling snakes or something! HAHAHAH!! thats sad really not funny.. anyways when i got there they had a BAND! yeah and not some stupid band either it was a rock band and they played really kickass music.. (i can still say "kickass" now cant i??)

then the pastor started speaking.. i thought it was going to be boring but he talked about the power of love and how it heals your wounds and stuff.. like spiritual wounds.. and he was really into it and i started getting into it.. i mean everything he said was exactly what i was feeling.. and then i just started feeling this.. i dont know.. warm feeling in me and i felt like i was going to cry and like i wasnt afraid any more if people saw me crying and then i just felt so happy!! it was incredable!! i swear that i could hear someone calling my name.. i know that i did.. but noone in the room was calling it.. but i just like felt it!! i think it was Jesus or maybe the Holy Ghost im not sure which.. but i know that i was changed then!!

the pastor introduced me to everyone and they were all so friendly and just accepted me.. i never felt like i belonged somewhere as much before.. after the program or service or whatever its called we had brunch and some of them talked to me and they had all been where i was and had been full of hate and thought christians were stupid but they had felt the same thing i did and had accepted Christ into there lives.. i told them what i had felt and the pastor came over and he lead me in a prayer.. me praying!! wow!!.. and i proclaimed that i accepted Jesus and i just felt even more warmth and i cried some more.. i mean it was really powerful stuff!!

next sunday im going back.. this time they are going to baptise me so i will then be an official baptist!! i havent told my parents yet but the pastor said i should.. i thought i would write this all down on my webpage before i tell them.. im sorry if it sounds rambling.. they are jewish and i hope they do not get angry with me.. but hey Jesus is jewish right?? maybe i can get them to learn about him.. sorry Him.. too??

in case you cant tell i am changing this page.. how it was before was wrong and i again apologize for it.. now the address of this page (hands_off_lb) will stand for Hands Off the Lord's Blessings.. the teachings of Jesus are the Lord's Blessings to us and people like Landover are trying to pervert it.. so HANDS OFF!! (thanks Dan for suggesting this).. ill add more stuff later

oh yeah.. thanks Skeet for emailing me the pix and music for the new page..