The  Akiens  Steeple - Jacks  of  Payne  Street

  Bel-Grave  61205

“ The Akiens have Resided in the Leicester area for the past 400 years  Most of the men have either been labourers, brickmakers, bricklayers,  chimney climbers, chimney builders, steeple climbers, and

Steeple Jacks  ”

Until 1600, the only records kept, were for Royalty & Nobility. It would appear the akiens are not related to either. The name Akiens has changed over the years. In 1600 it was spelt Alfins, (the f becoming a k) In 1670 it changed to Akines and in 1730, it changed to Aikens. From 1780, it changed to its present form Akiens. Twins were born the last time it changed. From 1600 to 1750, most of the family were buried in paupers graves at Welford road cemetery, Leicester. In October 1873 a law was passed to charge 3d for burials, christenings & mariages, except for paupers and demented people. Most of your ancestors lived in the st. Margarets parish and the area of Leicester, which is now known as Belgrave, Loughborough road. In the 1600 and 1700`s, there was a brick kiln street, where most of the local men worked as labourers or brickmakers. In the 1800`s many worked in Leicesters hosiery and shoe factories. As well as the surname changing over the yrs, Christian names have also changed. In the 1600s, William was spelt willing, Robert, robritus, Richard, Richardi and Humphrey was spelt Hungfred. All births, marriages & deaths from 1600 to 1700 are entered in the parish registers in latin, the churches tongue of the day.  

To give you some idea of how poor people lived and died in the 1600 & 1700`s, an entry from the vicar of St. Margarets, Belgrave Leicester, dated October19^th 1710 reads : buried boy, name unknown, 5 years old, found in the Newarks Leicester. Another entry reads: Dec 8^th 1780 dead baby, brought to vicarage by girl. Father unknown soldier, mothers name not given. A lot of your relatives, most from large families, died either at birth or a young age, due to a lack of medicine, food and living in damp, cold houses. 1913 was a year of tradegy for the akiens. Great uncle Jesse fell from a chimney. 1931 was another year of tradegy for the family. 3 generations of the family, grandfather, son and grandson all died tragically that year. John Thomas, grandson of John Thomas akiens & Caroline Cockrane died in a motor accident. On the 5^th of July1931, John Thomas akiens, (husband of Ellen Cursley) died unexpectedly. Born 5^th March 1864, son of John Thomas akiens & Caroline Cockrane. At the time he was living at 25 Payne st, Leicester. The funeral was stopped by the police, following allegations of poisoning, made by his brother in law Walter Allen. The post mortem revealed death by natural causes. He was buried on the 9^th of July 1931, at Welford cemetery Leicester. On the 10^th July, his father John Thomas akiens (husband of Caroline Cockrane) born 3^rd Dec 1839 and then aged 92 yrs, hung himself. He was a SteepleJack and founded JT Akiens SteepleJacks in 1865 at 25/27 Payne St, Belgrave, Leicester, age 26 years old. The best steeplejacks in England dad always said. He was the 4^th generation. 100 foot tall by 5years of age. Even the girls went up. Imagine the skyline over Victorian London. Possibly the worst ghetto ever. full of chimneys. The akiens took the kids to london, to work. A blanket of smog, you climb above rung by rung. As the horse drawn cart rolled into London from hours in the freezing countryside, full of akiens, ladders, ropes and tools, they saw their days work long before they reached it. the closer they got, the more clearer the lightening damage became. Before any work began the chimney had to be laddered. Iron pegs hammered into the walls and the ladders hauled up one over the other and tied to the pegs. All the way past the crack, up to the overhang, then it’s stepping out time.  then the tools and kit need hauling up those hundreds of feet. Imagine leaning over the side hauling 50lb of kit as well as the weight of the ropes. Then add the rope burns. Then the work began. either repairing them or bringing them down. knock down a wall with a sledgehammer on the ground. Its backbreaking work, your hands get battered. Swing that sledge all that way up there, standing on a 9 inch board with no safety. All day long that’s what you do. An unimaginable life.  how they ever managed more than 101 years doing that work, is a mystery to me. the akiens looked down on London for over 101 years. Our chimneys and steeples, no one else wanted. Bolts of lightenin had hit them. When the akiens stood on their chimney tops, they rocked, literally. On a Crack goin clean thru its spine, maybe a hundred foot below them. The akiens took them down how they went up. brick by brick. Using sledgehammers. We never blew them up or burnt them out. The safest way of all for everyone else, the most dangerous for us.  

These are just a few of the characters from our families past.

Great Great Granddad….

 i know very little about great granddad. ive only ever been told 2 things. one that he founded the business, and 2, he took his own life aged 92 years. he hung himself with the ropes that kept him safe all his life, climbing the churches for god and the chimneys for kings queens and country. his business lasted for over 101 years. our family ensured the big home fires kept burning . those factory chimneys that served this country so well throughout that boom period of the empire years. our family did hell of a lot to keep the wheels of queen victorias industrial revolution running. the akiens steeplejacks took on all the dirty work. the work no one else wanted. either our chimneys were taller than everyone elses, or theyd been hit by lightening. the akiens are the family of steeplejacks, who sent the kids up them before they even started school. 5 years old. it all began because great great granddad J T akiens volunteered for that work. he volunteered his family for that work. to only ever hear those 2 things said about him, it doesnt do him justice. how can he possibly be considered a coward. I don’t know why he took his life, im hoping to find out.

Great Granddad..

our great granddad was huge bull of a man. he had to turn sideways to walk through doorways.he fought bare knuckle up and down the country in the booths when workin away. it was alledged he killed three men, with a single punch each to the head. he had a freakish speed for a man his size. his reflexes were like lightening, inherrent from working on those chimneys. he punched his full weight in either hand. if you were an akiens under him, you climbed chimneys. he filled you with self belief. he hit you harder than the ground hitting you. he was the head of the freemasons the buffalos. a charitable organisation that took orphans and under priveliged kids away on holiday. when granddad had his accident as a teenager, great granddad gave up work to look after him. he passed the firm on to his other son. he nursed him back to a full recovery. other than his burnt bald patches, and his missing fingers and thumb, he made a full recovery. the doctors recomended that granddads legs be amputating. great granddad stood by the decision he knew to be right. he told them no. a year bedridden in bandages and ointments. it must have been as close to hell as you could imagine. the very prosperous business great granddad built up, slowly went downhill. after great granddad died, the family ousted granddad. he had no part in the business and was forced to go it alone. he set up service steeplejacks. great granddad was the kind of man who didnt like you using bad language in front of his wife. he had a rage inside him ive seen myself in dad and granddad. you didnt disrespect him. not ever. that one mistake could be your last. like it could very well have been for those 3 men who lost their lives in such a sickeningly savage way. brutal beyond belief. when our great granddad hit you, you bled from your mouth, your nose, both eyes, and both ears. Todays medicine couldn’t have saved them. He virtually burst their heads in a one demolition punch. the original mad jack. imagine someone like lenny mcClean, with more firepower. the absolute worst bastard you could ever come across, if you crossed him.  a gentleman if you shown him respect. Granddads accident changed great granddad. there are photos of him but ive only ever seen one.  he looked a mean bastard. On one trip to Victorian England, a beefeater took it upon himself to give one of the younger akiens a slap. Great granddad found out and got hold of him. their left hands were tied and they slugged it out. I doubt very much the beefeater was happy about it. my guess is he went along with it because he was shit scared. Great granddad had their hands tied because he didnt want the bastard getting away. Come the end of it the beefeaters face was like a plate of raw liver apparently. a bloke that loved his family.  After jesse fell in 1913, his rage worsened. He carried on his shoulders with every step the guilt of his sons death, in his persuit for wanting to give them a better life. he didn’t know any other work, only steeplejacking. He had to carry on. His climbs after jesse must have made that frame harder to haul up those hundreds of feet of broken chimney and steeple. At some point in our past, great granddad had a fight with his brother Samuel. I don’t know why or when, only that it was on Victoria park in Leicester, great granddad fought bareknukle, great great uncle Samuel used a sword. Granddad won and Samuel was transported, he didn’t emigrate. they sent him away to keep the pair apart they were so bad. I would love to find out what did happen to Samuel akiens an America. I would love to tell his family today, about the family of their past, in England. i have a number of possible names but nothing carved in stone as yet. they have an amazing hidden forgotten story. samuel akiens, born in belgrave leicester, 1872.   when 2 akiens fall out, its best not to get involved. The police knew that in belgrave in the early 1900`s. if you lived in belgrave then, you knew the Akiens. and you knew that bloke at 25/27 payne street, just wasn’t worth upsetting. A plain clothes copper found to his cost, just how volatile he could be. he`d come about granddad being seen scrumpin in someones garden. He got smacked without prejudice just like anyone would. Id loved to hear as much about Samuel as I can tell about my great granddad, from both sides of the atlantic. Theyre all family.  

On the 29^th of October 1913, my great uncle Jesse akiens went off to work as usual. He was an akiens steeplejack. The very best in England. He climbed church steeples, repairing them, usually after a bolt of lightening had hit it.He also climbed the colossal Victorian chimneys, for kings queens and country. Those structures that helped make this country the super power she was during that boom period for England. again, usually after theyd been hit by a bolt as well. When Jesse stood on his chimney tops, he rocked, literally. The whole stack beneath him rocked, on a crack goin clean thru it.he lived one of the most torturous lives imaginable. By 18, he already had 13 years experience. The akiens began an argument with god when they started out way back in 1865. the akiens followed gods camera. 4 generations were put through hell up there, for over 101 years. Smash a wall down with a sledgehammer, see how tiring it is, how much you ache after a couple of hours. The akiens were achin all over after 101 years. The akiens steeplejacks had a very different philosophy to other steeple jacks. We never used the big leather safety belts,with a fearsome looking hook on it. They tied you to the chimney, risking hanging yourself if you fell, more importantly,it took away the most valuable option.If you were tied up in your ropes, you landed on he boiler house roofs, maybe 300ft below you.  On October 29^th 1913, Jesse akiens was stood on a chimney top. The wind took his balance and he fell. As he went over the side, he kicked out, off the wall,instinctively.Turning himself in mid air. As he came down thru the layer of smog, he had his arms wide, chest proud. The leap of faith of all leaps of faith. The most amazing dive ever. Granddad was just 1 year old at the time of his big brothers death. Jesse`s  name in our family, has always been considered bad luck. Jinxed. The one line he has on our family tree, sells him very short. Jesse Akiens, fell from chimney, aged 18yrs.  the work he did for the akiens, & England, you wouldn’t want that life. Put 13 years of that work, ahead of you. That life. My granddad had a full working life as a steeplejack. He fell twice, turning both into dives. It saved him both times. He came down arms wide chest proud, twice, & lived thru both

my granddad. a great granddad. you didn’t mess with this man, not twice. His came at you showing pure terror. With matching capability. After my dad my mams never known anyone so mean when he had to be.

Bill,  young  Sid,  &  little  Sid  akiens.     1929 

      Granddad meeting the then prince of wales. The king who abdicated. This was taken by a newspaper of the day in 1927. someone in the family has a photo of dad and granddad working on a chimney. there must be other photos like that somewhere in the family. Over a hundred years climbing. There shouldnt be a single person in the family under granddad, who shouldnt want to make him proud, by writing just a few stories they all grew up hearing about him. donna, a cousin, asked me at his funeral if I had what he had. that told me she knows something. That he was certainly different. When I said yes, why didn’t she ask me what it was. why didn’t I ask her what it was. I know now. at the time, I had a black eye and a fractured skull at the wake. none of us had to climb upwards. What he went through for all of us, none of us can know. what he knew he took with him. he left clues all over the place for us. on all  the different documents, like birth certificates and wedding certificates. he left loads and loads of clues in the stories he used to tell us. Stories that would have people believing you were mad. But with document proof that verify them, and the family joining in at last adding their own stories. Ones I haven’t heard yet, but ones ill believe immediately. however strange they are, to anyone not knowing the family history. my chapters just one on the end of the steeplejack chapters. What did the others in the family get up to now their chimneys are gone too.  what are they doing now…ideally, id like em all to add a few words about dad granddad and grandma. or me if they want. Slag me off or tell a nice story, I aint bothered which, so long as its true.  Im used to getting slagged off anyway these days. 

During the war, granddad got extra work, camouflaging the power stations, and his usual steeplejack work, reparing church steeples and bringing chimneys down. on his own, before dad came along. He was allowed unlimited petrol rations, because of his work for the church. He could have as much as he needed.

“what did u do with it all granddad..”

“ohh I sold it scott, obviously”

" yeah so would i granddad. "

then hed chuckle as he always did. The stories he told us had us sat spellbound for hours.we believed every one of em. it was only when we got older i started to question those stories. I found proof of them, most of them anyway. the rest of the family will have other pieces of proof and the stories that fit in with them. weve all got a bit to add. he did more than anyone, to instill in me a pride in my name & who we are.what it means to me to be an akiens. thats why its so mystifying, why didn’t he list his profession as a steeplejack. what is a plumbers lorry driver.? I guess only granddad knew that. he really was a very special man. the business he started after he was ousted from the family business after his dad died. Maybe his hand was the reason,they saw him as a liability.One of his wartime jobs included camouflaging power stations. In june 1942, granddad got a very unusual job, working for the ministry of defence.He told me this story so many times,and it never changed. When dad was born, He had to drive a truck non-stop at speed,all round the coast of England,with a secret cargo locked in the back He never knew what it was, even tho he kept the key on a chain around his neck. Im not the only grandchild he told this story to surely.There were  2 burley armed guards who never spoke. He used to joke, “ in the mornings id have a bowl of scots porridge oats scott, to keep me glowing all the way round. Glowing all the way round the coast of England. besides scott, it seemed kept them soddin germans out ” he used to add. At 5 years old I never got that joke. I thought about something else. Call it madness or genius, granddad glowing all the way round the coast of England, I thought that was granddads way of letting the aliens know what he was up to. like he wanted them to find him. or he was showing them the akiens are already here . the things that go thru a 5 year olds mind.  I also thought the secret cargo wasn’t in the back of the van. I always thought that England must have thought he was as special as we did, that was why they kept him on the move. I knew they couldn’t tell him the germans were after him, he`d have wanted to take em on.All of em. it’s a very common thing for people to spell our name wrong. I found an amusing way to make sure people don’t forget. “that’s aliens, but with a K, for knowledge” it usually got a “ oh yea..” then an uncomfortable laugh followed. 

  L . AKEINS…..why  tho  ???  it took me a while, but I worked it out .

Ive been in a car wi granddad on a long journey, it pretty much does leave you speechless. They either got out with a fear of speed or they were cured of it. When he took me aunt jackies for her 25^th wedding anniversary in Hereford. A bright yellow / orange allegro estate. His pride and joy. He has his own highway code. He stopped at some of the traffic lights. Other road users, were bas*ard nuisances, that just got in the way.  Under no circumstances, did you ever try to overtake him. hed swerve wide to stop you. if he ran you off the road, im sure hed have kept goin. his license like so many peoples of that time, was given to him in 1927. I failed my bas*ard 3 times !! it dint stop me hurtling round leicester deliverin pizzas and taxiin round town. Tax exempt positions obviously. As we were exiting one motorway wed got lost on, granddad spotted the sign back on the motorway, so he just shot back onto the motorway goin across the chevrons at the very last minute. Across all three lanes, before swerving and weaving , granddad kept it from goin over on its roof. with just 2 fingers on the wheel. I couldn’t speak for laughin. I doubt them burly guards were laughing. They had to sit beside this bloke as he hurtled along roads fearlessly. He was only holding the steerin wheel by his 2 fingers. When he fell from those 2 chimneys, he turned himself in midair and came down like jesse did. Like a swallow.  It saved him twice. He found soft landings both times.  The thing with that story granddad told me, its just too hard to believe. why should the m.o.d ask our granddad to do a job like that.” who told them about him? what was in the back..? why the joke about glowing all the way round..? an akiens glowing round the coast of England…? the mind boggles at the stories he told. On dads birth certificate, his profession is listed as a “plumbers lorry driver”. That’s a very strange choice of profession to list for a bloke who was unbelievably proud to be a steeplejack. an akiens steeplejack at that. losing his thumb and 2 outer smaller fingers, was probably the worst handicap a steeplejack could have. Granddad never let it be a handicap, he just got on wi the job. his signature tells you how proud he was to be an akiens. his hand wasn’t entirely a handicap. Because of the motor accident as a teenager, the fire  burnt his fingers off. his knuckles were like elbows, his skin was very very hard. Ive seen him pick up a whistling scalding kettle with no cloth on the handle, and hold it there while talking to me. like it wasn’t in his hand at all. he could pick things out boiling pans, without takin it off the boil. He never ever suffered rope burns. The ropes they used aint like the neat ropes you saw dibnah using. These are old creaky rough ropes that burn your hands. If granddad cuffed you , it was like someone throwing a stone at you. he only played when he did it to us as kids. he used to stand letting us kids swing off his arms in the front room when him an dad came back from the martin. His upper body strength was amazing. His reflexes were fast as lightening as well. inherent from the ladders. He fought up and down the country while working away with the steeplejacks as well. but he had to wear gloves. If the other guy had seen the hand that went in that glove, hed have probably had second thoughts. Also, it would have been all over in the first hit granddad threw. No entertainment. Granddad liked to brawl. He didn’t need a horshoe in his glove. I saw it with my own eyes in the broadway one night. He was 82 years old at the time. the belgrave rugby team were scrambling at the bar or the last shout. Granddad got bumped into. The bloke felt granddads presence instantly. He gave him a dig in the kidneys. A perfect tiny shot, enough to grab someones attention. Im sure he never paid that much attention to a dig in the scrum. I know the shot he felt in that little jab. When the 18 stoner looked round and saw granddad, he moved the pack along the bar. Im sure he expected to see someone a bit bigger than the 5.7” slightly hunched bow legged granddad. a west Indian bloke once tried to mug him on cosso reccy, 1976 time. he was 64 ish at the time. he came up behind him and told him, give me your wallet old man. granddad spun round and gave him something. a crack on the chin. His legs didn’t bend as he hit the floor a few feet away. He was still down as granddad reached the other side. at some of the factories dad and granddad  worked on, they had vermin in the boiler houses. Wild stoats and ferrets and rats. Them big burly blokes in the boiler suits would be too scared to go in. I guess they had their reasons. Dad loved it when this happened. He tell them hed fetch the man who could sort it out. granddad had a way with animals. He`d walk in and 2 minutes later he`d walk out with it sitting in his hand. I don’t think they ever bit him, but he probably wouldn’t have felt it if they did. From the rats at the bottom of the chimney, to the big man upstairs, granddad feared nothing in between. He didn’t fear the chimneys.  

Granddad told me how it used to be in belgrave when he was a young un.if ever there was a disagreement in a pub,u took it outside an fought like men.one on one.then u had a pint together.I dont imagine too many people upset granddad.If his right hand dint put u off,the bloke who lived at 25-27 payne st.certainly did.Granddad fought in marquees like his dad did when they worked away.His train of thought was,he couldnt lose.A self belief he kept all his life.when he taught my dad to box,Pete aunt Moes bull terrier,bit his arrse! one day the coal man dived in the outhouse to get away from the dog.How was he to know what was in there.He got bit to fcuk by the Christmas dinner The goose they put in there,because of the coalman comin. My aunts saw that. id love to hear the story again. it sounds so much better when they tell it. as Real witness`s do.

Labourer

Willing Alfins /  alkins      married                       Anna Collins

Born          April 13^th 1600                 18 Sept                       14^th June 1601

Died         4^th  Dec 1653                       1620                         19^th  Sept 1661

Children

Thomas              3^rd Jul  1621                              died  4^th Jan  1677

Sarah               2^nd Jun  1622                               died   22^nd Feb 1639

Elin               23^rd  Jun  1623                               died  16^th Jul  1675

Robert           15^th Aug   1624                             died  29^th Apr  1634                                                               

Hungfred     21^st Feb  1626                                died  2^nd Apr   1656

Labourer

Thomas                                 marries                                   Mary Turner

3^rd July 1621                         19^th Aug                                    9^th March

4^th Jan 1677                              1641                                     26^th July 1685

Children

Anna   12^th Sept 1642

John     19^th Aug 1643                                       died 1^st June 1698

Joanna  23^rd Feb 1645

Robert  29^th Aug 1646                                      died  26^th June  1647

Woolpacker

John                                         marries                                  Ann Cobley

19^th Aug 1643                                     9^th dec                                 3^rd July1644

1^st June 1698                               1663                                 23^rd Feb 1704

Children

Thomas    3^rd Aug 1664                                  died       9^th  Mar  1720

Richardi  4^th Sept  1668                                  died       9^th Dec   1678

Labourer   ( now akines)

Thomas                          marries                           Mary Good Fellow

3^rd Aug 1664                     3^rd July                             13^TH  Oct   1664

9^th March  1720                   1684                               14^th Sept    1736

Children

John  3^rd July 1685                                           died 3^rd June 1740

Mary 9^th December

Tanner

John                                        marries                                   Sarah Taylor

3^rd July 1685                      13^th September                          4^th Sept    1686

3^rd June 1740                           1705                                     23^rd Dec   1749

Children

William  2^nd March 1706                                 died 18^th May  1760

John 4^th June 1707                                           died  6^th Aug  1710

Mary  9^th July  1708

Brickmaker

William                                 marries                                   Mary Frazier

2^nd March 1706                   29^th Aug                                  9^th Dec 1706

18^th May 1760                       1725                                     28 Feb 1763

Children

William  18^th March   1725                              died  1^st Aug 1777

Anna 24 May   1726

William  Labourer ( now aikens  )  marries            Elizabeth RoseDawson

18^th March 1725                      13^th June                           23^rd June 1725

1^st Aug 1777                              1744                             17^th March 1787

Children

John 16^th March 1746                                          died 8^th December 1749

Elizabeth 12^th Aug 1747

William 2^ndJune 1748                               died   27^th Jan    1810   

Thomas 2^nd June 1748                                      died  25th Sept 1752  

Samuel  25^th May 1759                             died 3^rd September 1760

Labourer  to  bricklayer

William                                 marries                           Mary Ann Taylor

2^nd June 1748                       18^th May                           12^th August 1748

27^th Jan 1810                          1768                                19^th March 1790

Children

Thomas 4^th September 1768                            died Apr 18^th    1838

Samuel     25^th May 1769                                  died  Nov 28^th   1821

Mary     18^th January    1770

Elizabeth     26^th April   1771

Sarah        28^th July   1774

Labourer   ( akiens now )

Thomas                                       marries                 Sarah Ann Houghton

4^th September 1768                            12^th July                   14^th August 1769

18^th April  1838                                     1792                         16^th June 1829

Children

John        22^nd Feb 1795                                          died    3^rd July  1845

Mary Ann  11^th Aug  1798

Woolcomber

John                                              marries                  Susannah Thacker

22^nd Feb 1795                               4^th Sept                born 1799 mkt h,boro?

3^rd July 1845                                             1818                      13^th July 1855

Children

John   3^rd January      1819                                       died   4^th June   1869

Mary Ann  6^th Sept   1823

Brickmaker                                                                          Seamstress                               

John                                    marries                                Sarah Gibson

3^rd January      1819           19^th Feb                             12^th March 1820

4^th June           1869                1838  

Children

John Thomas   3^rd Dec   1839                   died  10^th July   1931

Susanah          2^nd Dec  1841

Sarah Ann      3^rd Sept  1846

Shoe finisher / founder of the Steeplejacks

John Thomas                     marries                          Caroline Cockrane

3^rd December 1839                    1860                               19^th August 1841

10^th July  1931               unknown date                       no year given

Children

John Thomas  5^th March 1864                     died    5^th July 1931

Samuel             born 1872           Emigrated to Canada      no dates given

Steeplejack/Mason                                              

John Thomas                              marries                          Ellen  Cursely

5^th March 1864                            18^th Nov                           3^rd December

5^th July 1931                                  1884                              no year given

Children

Beattie                                                                       29^th September

Gertrude                                                                      4^th September  

John Thomas                                                 1931   Motor accident

Frank Samuel William. (bill)                                    ?????

Harold                                                                b.    1888

Caroline                                             b.               died   29^th july 1895

Jesse                                                  fell from chimney aged 18 years

Harry                                                                           1^st April 1896  ??

Helen   (Nellie).                                                           ???        1898

Lydia                                                                           2^nd May 1902

Alfred Frederick Baden     18^th Jan 1902                   died    20^th Nov  1989

Sidney Clarence Laurence  12^th  oct 1912.    died  15^th Oct  2001

Rose Mary                                                                  3^rd May 1929

Granddad                                    marries                               grandma

Scl akiens                          26^th December               irene edna Herbert

October 12^th 1912.                     193?                        October 5^th 1913

October 15^th 2001                                                      March 30^th 1989

laurence akiens (  LOL  )      born june 22nd 1942                  died september 4th 1996            Dad

The rest of the names & dates are of living people. Only dad has passed away below this generation. Obviously I cant publish those.If ive mentioned your name and it isn’t listed, its because I have living relations who “could” be yours too.

 it isnt my place to write about the others in Dads generation, anyone under them, or anyone still alive. only those in my lineage. if those in dads generation want to add to it they can by all means. anyone under grandma and granddad with a story to tell about the family. we must have thousands between us. At my dads funeral, I remember my uncle getting up to say a few words at the service. Not a holy man at all, just an akiens. possibly the furthest thing from a reeligous man. he made a bad day so much better. the only thing he said that bothered me, was that dad lived a simple life. there was nothing simple about dads life. he didn’t want anything only his families happiness, and he instilled a loyalty in us his generation doesn’t have. My uncle T told us he had the right to say a few honest words about my dad, because they come from the same place. I remember hearing from one person in the family, uncle T was a little alarmed at the idea I was writing things about his dad. I can, because that uncle has told me more than once, that im just like him. an ako. I cant see why no one in the family has come to ask me for a copy of the book ive wrote about their past too. Theres note in it that disrespects anyone. with their permission, id like to add one story about each of them. From when I was a kid. 

No.1 Duchess St. Belgrave. Service steepleJacks, Dad & Granddads business. They performed a service for god above the church and the vicar. Above stereotyping as well. one story i remember being told quite a few times as a kid, still amazes me today. dad and granddad were working high up on a big chimney one morning. theyd laddered it the day before, today they could start the work. as they were stood on the chimney top, a bolt of lightening hit the base. granddad told dad to make the climb down, while he sorted things. as dad reached the van 10 minutes later, another bolt hit the base of that chimney. id put money on  it, granddad called god a bastard, and he stuck is 2 remaining victory fingers up at him. anyone knowing my granddad, knew you didnt tell him what to do, ever. whoever or whatever you are, he wasnt afraid. he came down off that chimney when he was good and ready.  dad was stood by the van laughin when that second strike came. It could’ve came when he was on the ladder. maybe ten minutes apart. 

Dad.. the funniest bloke ever. !

taught me to laugh at everything thrown at me.he led by example. laughing his way through cancer proving it. no matter how bad things are, if you can laugh at it, it will never beat you. it really is the best medicine goin. You make your own.

Dad. THE most amazing man i ever knew. he knew so much he didn’t get round to telling me. I wish I couldve spent more than an hour a day that year. the things i saw my dad do with my own 2 eyes, i worshipped him. he never had any material wealth,he had everything he wanted and needed. happiness and his family happy around him.he was always full of laughter. i dont know anyone who could laugh at so much crap and hardship. he laughed at everything. he even laughed his way through bone cancer. his third cancer and the one that took him from us finally. he laughed his way thru to make it easier for us his kids. the bravest of men. from 5 years old he began the life of a steeplejack. before he went to school. Dad took laughter up those chimneys with him. grandma showed him how to laugh. she gave him the sense of humour he had. the laughs i had with dad on his deathbed were real genuine laughs. we spoke of all the things i did as a kid and all the things dad did in his life. he gave me the akiens family tree the year he died. he wanted us to write the story of the akiens together for the kids. knowing he wouldnt be around to tell them himself was the hardest part for dad that year. lauren especially. he wanted to make sure our proud history was never forgotten. i promised him that year i would finish it without him. when an akiens makes a promise, he keeps it. dad gave me the perfect psychology growing up. all my life.  like he was preparing me. callin Me **** as a kid, that was dads joke. shame i didnt know that then. i believed it. when you read the book i promised id finish for dad, you`ll believe it too. Every one who knew dad called him LOL. family, friends and drinkin mates down the club. that pretty much sums up my dad. livin with him was like living with lee evans. he loved nothing better than a family get together for a laugh a few drinks and lots and lots of funny stories. everyone in the family today that knew my dad will tell u  that. maybe one or two exceptions. in every family, theres always some bad chemistry in every family.  Dad always told me, i didnt ever have to prove myself to anyone, but myself.  all the family who never had to climb, have you ever questioned yourself. could you have made it as a steeplejack..? could you have lived a life of stepping out onto rocking chimney tops above the smog. looking down on all the other steeplejacks, thankfully, none of us had to make those sorts of climbs. From when dad asked me to write this book, it kind of became my chimney on the ground. The last few years have been spent goin over all those memories and putting them on paper. Thousands of pages of stories, photos and documents. When the ako`s do something, they very often go way over the top. this book is no different. They told me about a great uncle jesse, granddads brother . he apparently fell from a chimney aged 18. its not true. Ive got his birth and death certificates here, he was 3 days short. But it happened. Ive dug quite deep into the families past.  That could be seen as being morbid or unsual, dwelling on the past etc.. but I see Jesse like my great great great grandchildren. People I wont meet, family in either direction. But family all the same. Theyre all part of our history. The stories all my family grew up hearing.  Im just an estate kid with no qualifications to my name whatsoever other than my driving license. It wont win any awards for being a literary masterpiece, its written by a man in the street, for the man in the street. In an understandable plain english.Not like that bullshi* jargon in theresa`s psychology books

Ive wrote the stories about the things I got up to at this age, scrumpin in birstall.

Its always been colourful.

mummies little monsters. Dads climbing belt.  He never used it.

a typical photo of me that age. My ar*e  disappearin over a wall. (as mam used to put it). always climbing something. In class I was always top, In the playground it was fight, fight, fight, fight, pi**in fight.  that’s what mam said I was like as a kid.  

Some time in 1975, our livin room. dad was working for a firm of builders in mountsorrel, mam was workin nights at castleloids, dad had the job of putting up with us 3 lads. Tryin to get us bed was the hardest bit. We`d always be arguing or fighting, play fighting. I can hear dad now shoutin up the stairs for us to Rap it up. I usually started it all, but by the time dad got up the stairs, I always looked innocent. He knew I wasn’t. one night he tried something new. I heard about the 9 oclock horses. A tale that’s sent countless children to bed , not just in belgrave,  for generations. It only worked once. when i was 5, my dad told me a story. he told me it, because he could see i was afraid of nothing. sis grew up hearin stories about dracula livin in the very spooky lookin pumping station. he made it all funny.

“  come on you lot, bed. The 9 olock horses are on the way “

" eh...???? whats them then dad...?   I aint heard of them before."
“well scott. the 9 oclock horses, come and pick up any kids who aint where they should be, fast asleep in bed."

“ oh yeah , when is it 9 oclock dad..? ”

“in about 10 minutes time.
"dad how can a horse pick a kid up. "
" no scott, the horses pull a carriage. a big black and gold one. it comes through the black night sky, to the deafening sound of thunder rolling "
" whos in it then...? "
" ooh I cant tell you that scott, its too scary. “

“ awwe go on dad  “

“ well,they say its jack the ripper.the most vile creature in history. he`s got a big black cape,an a doctors bag.Pure white fangs and blood red eyes that glow  in the dark "
" whats he want kids for dad..? "
" no one knows scott. "

“ what does vile mean dad…? “

”  evil scott  “

“ eh..??  but that’s me dad “

“ No scott, your Evil Akiens, theres a world of difference. “

"do they have a dog that runs alongside it like the talbot does dad..? "
" oh yes. they have a dog. "
" what sort is it..? "
" its a doberman called zolten, and its a german "
" a german dad ..????  blimey.  g`night "
i went off up to bed wonderin what thell a german was. dad was amazed at how quiet we were.he`d struck gold.the next night,he dint even reach the word horses.
" no they wont. "
" eh, waddya mean no they wont come..? "
" they wont come. il bet ya, they wont come."
" how come you know they wont come then clevershi*..? "
" i waited fer em all night dad. i stood behind the curtain. i had the window open."
" what the hell did you do that for..? "
" i wanted to dive on that german dad, and find out where he took them kids .”

“ well keep the window shut in future ”

“   ok dad. granddad was tellin me bout the steeplejacks again today. he said they climbed all over London. Great great Granddad started it he said.”

“ yes he did. the akiens were all over Victorian London climbing chimneys. The worst ghetto the world has ever seen. We looked down on it ”

“ did great granddad really kill 3 men with a single punch to the head each…?  “

“ so they say. He was the worst mad jack belgrave has ever seen. the families ever known.A huge barrel chested man who had to turn sideways to walk thru doorways”

“ why did he kill them dad..? “

“ they swore in front of your great grandma in the boozer . Twice . if theyd listened the first time, theyd have been ok .”

“ so  he dint mean it…? ”

“no. anyway, whats all this about mandy greens earrings…?”

“ that weren’t my fault dad.”

“come on, what happened..?”

“ well I was over in tecs garden, and she was standin next to our mark by the gap in the hedge. ”

“ go on…”

“ she smacked our mark round the face for no reason.”

“ oh no, what did u do..?”

“ well I took her thru the hedge backwards. she squealed ”

“ when did you rip her ear rings out…? ”

“ on the way thru. As I rolled out on to my feet on the lawn, I just opened up my hands and there they were, covered in blood.”

“ then what happened..?”

“ I give em her back an she ran off down the street to grass me up. carol came round”

“oh well, if she 3 years older than our mark an your 2 year younger than you, id say that was fair. We dont like bullies, do we scott.

” no dad. we don’t.”

“what about footballers…? ”

“ nope, we don’t like them big jessies either do we dad.”

“ an whys that scott…? ”

“ cos they run round lookin like dogs chasin a ball from where you worked, an they wouldn’t do your job for their money, let alone your money dad ”

“ that’s right. big bleedin jessies. Perms, kissin each other. Big fairies.”

“ well im not playin football dad when I grow up that’s fer sure. An u wont catch me playin in the street again either. ”

I dont ask anyone to believe this or take it serious. If its funny laugh. and, it is all mostly true. Decide for yourselves whats bull and whats bullshi* ! ive wrote in a way i think dad, granddad, & grandma, and all of them would like. I enjoy writin, if I can make people worse off than me laugh,im chuffed. Dad tried his hardest to scare me to death, then bring me out of it with a joke.He made horror stories funny. He had me sussed always, whatever I thought. He told me things on his deathbed I never really listened to. however much we laughed together when he lay dying in front of us, I felt that sadness when I was away from him. one time I cried in front of him. he bought me round straight away. His words have stayed in my mind ever since. I will always hear those words. He told me to “pack that in”. I had to be strong, for all my family. That after he was gone, I would have to be unbelievably strong. But he told me, he knew id make it. id be ok. all my life, he told me I would have climbed with him, because I was most like him. he could see I had that spark. That fearless curiosity that drives some kids on. He told me he knew I was the one. his actual words. Youre the one Scott. he repeated it. he told me he knew I would be there right to the very bitter end. I told him I would. Id never stay down, and id never let go of my promise. The tears flowed , and dad dint bollo** me for it. how he didn’t cry himself, was a miracle. A show of strength. He told me I was too strong mentally to ever be taken completely. He made me feel unbreakable. He treated me very differently to my bro`s as a kid. because he saw I needed it. he didn’t call me evil for no reason. I stole and fought at every opportunity. If id been climbing chimneys and steeples, maybe id have had the natural release inherent in a 5^th generation steeplejack. I was borne to climb.  When I was a kid, dad always told me,

“ you cant lose in any fight scott. youre too fast. Way too fast for anyone. when you see those punches come at you, its like slow motion. Before it connects, theres 2 of yours hitting them in quick succession. Maybe 3. I know because ive done it as well. You cant lose a fair fight. ”

he was right. I never disappointed him that way. I never went home sayin someone was pickin on me. I dealt with it. that’s why im so quiet today. I have to be.  if I can take an alsation 3 times my weight at 5 years old in his back yard, over the right to eat crab apples, then im not gonna worry about other kids. the scrapes I got into as a grown man, I knew I had what great granddad had. what granddad had, and what dad had. that ferocity. Im not goin into those stories, because I don’t want to big myself up. my bros an sis know what ive done. They’ve seen it. people went down like chimneys collapsing. But the stack got uprooted and took back a few yards before it toppled. Some lad was blackmailin a bird I know into havin sex. She was 15. I burst his face in one hit. A pure demolition job. he was fcuked. A big red v spread out sown his top. my mates were meant to jump in, but they felt sorry for him. it made em feel sick. Bless. he went on to rape an 88 year old woman in her bed as he burgled her house. He took his life in prison. When I heard the news he died in hell, I laughed. Yeah,  im evil .  at 16, I took a kickin off 30 blacks in B`mont leys one night.I got up and laughed at em at the end of it. purple up and down both sides of my head and body. I got up ! I laughed at em all at the end of it. they heard rumours we wanted revenge, so they came back for more, they made the mistake of bringin it to our front door.  A few more of them this time. Maybe 40 or 50, all baying for our blood. They just about filled the close. They shi* it when dad stepped out on the front garden to meet em. in his slippers. As he just lifted his glasses to the top of his head, their heads all dropped and they walked away like little kids. dad was only 5.7, about 9 stone. Maybe it was the crow bar in each hand that put em off. It’s a good job they did walk away, because dad would’ve finished everyone of em if theyd come in our garden. You had to be our side of the hedge to fully realise what dad did for us that day. it was like rourkes drift. he had to do what he did, because the coppers never bothered turning up. a mob like that one that slaughtered pc keith blakelock. Dad was a serious nutter when it came to the nitty gritty. If he raised his voice, you went quiet. If he pointed his finger at you , his patience was runnin out. say sorry quick. a very quiet bloke, who very rarely got upset. In all the years growing up with him, I only saw that side a handful of times. The rest of the time he was laughin. Skint, hand to mouth always, but always laughin. Dad died happy, knowing he`d lived a very full life. a very happy one. after he died I had to learn to laugh without him. our relationship was a unique one. just like his and granddad, and granddad with great granddad. and so on. Watching him die slowly that year was very distressing. Helpless. To see dads condition worsen day by day, was unbearable. I watched because I couldn’t not be there for him. my pain didn’t matter, that’s why I couldn’t tell him about what was goin on at home in anstey. How could I tell my dad lisa was playin away. Not being there for her very much, it was tough for her as well with the twins being newborn. I expected a little more loyalty and sympathy. A bad year all round. It started out so perfect as well. having twins born on my birthday, was an amazing experience. Only I can know how I felt the day. the pride. It was magical. I always looked forward to becoming a dad, because I knew the world that opens up. I know how happy we made both mam an dad. inspite of all the worry an crap we gave em. I didn’t give em half as much to worry about as sis did. She was worse than all 3 of us lads put together. Mam had to take on all that worry on her own after dad died. Shes looked after me thru some very very trying times. Torturous times. Dad was like god to me growin up, mams always been worth more than that. I know how easily she could have walked away for a much easier life.  she could have gone on about being in care as a kid, that made her all the more determined to never turn away from us. She never will. My mam to me, is very very special. Im happy to put my life on hold. I don’t want to leave her. if that makes me a mummies boy, so what.  Dad told me after he died, I had to let mam be mam. I had to let her find a new happiness. Mam couldnt believe dad said that to me, but he did. Ive never stood in her way , just like ive never stopped sis bein sis. Sis seems to think dad wouldn’t be proud of her today, she`s wrong. Very very wrong. If dad could see her today, he`d be chuffed she`s livin free. doing what feels right, and not carin about what anyone thinks. Dad always made a point of sayin, he loved it, that his kids walked with their heads up, without a care in the world for anyone. I do, sis does, mark does, lee does.  

one day we got shouted to the fence by the laws over the back. andy law had a snake. Mam will remember that as well as the laws. I told dad about that. I was 5. I dunno where he got it from. A grass snake. To me that age I didn’t know what a grass snake was. I jus knew they were seriously vicious. Without feeling. Fearless. As andy showed it my mam over the fence, It was level with my eyes. they wouldn’t let me hold it. it felt dead smooth tho. Not slimy. More silky. Luckily I was at the right height to look him in the eye. That’s what I wanted. his stare. Mam was like a ct on a hot tin roof. bein that close to a snake, my mam was as close to panic as I think ive ever seen her. she neednt have worried about the snake, and she certainly didn’t need to worry about me.  I stroked his head, he looked at me for a few seconds. Then he put his head down, and looked away. Mam kept pulling me away sayin I was too close. Mam was stood where she felt safe. where petes grave is today. my first English. The nastiest dog ever born. if u ever tried anything wi my mam or sis. You got ripped. The mistakes that were made with pete, I haven’t and will never make with sid. The fights granddad had with aunt moes pete durin the war, only granddad could take him on. Im the only person who can take sid on.  Im him in any fight, youre a poodle in comparison. Whatever your name is. or a rottwieller. Theyre both the same to an english bull. American pit bulls, they believe their own hype. You cant beat originals. You never will. this Sid akiens is an original. his pups will take fooball coaching on to another level. with the right mum will throw the perfect footballing coaches. Footballs are the only things he attacks in this world. He knows better than to go for dogs cats birds or even foxes. Granddad bought pete back from Coventry during the blitz for my aunt moe. His eldest child. His eldest daughter. I bought sid for mine. Lauren. I bought him for her. I knew she wouldn’t be afraid of him one little bit, and I knew they would always have that very special bond. Lauren loves sid, and sid loves Lauren. His tail would wag like mad everytime she came near him. it will again. sid wa laurens baby, and Lauren became sids. I would hate to be in the persons shoes, anyone who took it upon himself to give Lauren a slap in front of him. sis came home one night from a night club, and some bloke was hidin in our garden waitin for her to come home. he came out the pitch black at sis, a west Indian bloke. Sis knew all she had to do was get the front door open, and she`d be safe. pete was the other side, and he was more than up for it. with anything that came to our door. That dog was a proper psychopath. On steroids all his life, what do you expect. An English bull on steroids, it don’t bear thinking about. never in my life have I seen a dog so efficient in a fight. a different method of attack everytime.  always savage. The hatred he shown anyone who raised their voice at our front door, he showed an equal loyalty and love for his family.  The 18^th birthday present I bought myself. I didn’t really care for the watch dad bought me. I looked forward to dad telling me I could have the dog I always dreamt of having. Since I was 5. I dint care what time it was. when people knock my door today, I don’t have to worry that the dog might get out and tear a chunk off them. I wont have a dog like pete again, however much I loved him. my kids don’t need a dog like pete to keep them safe here, they’ve got me. Theres lots of different dogs in this world. dont show any dog fear, if it comes at you, show it pure rage, aggression with complete self belief. He will run. The english wont. Not the only dog that wont, but the one that’s most capable. No where near the biggest of dogs, but I doubt a spade will bounce off a bull mastiffs head the same way it does an English bull terrier. they don’t feel pain in the same way other dogs do. These were bred purely for killing rats, bulls and each other. Only the very gamest, the very worst were used in breeding. Aunt moes dog pete, he killed loads. Dogs, cats, rats, anything. sid has his capabilities, im just glad he only hates footballs. If sid went berserk, hed crack kneecaps like pork scratchings. This dog has it all. amazing strength with a freakish speed. I wouldn’t ever want to see sid go mad, because I know exactly what I have to take on.Its my job. hes my dog. my boy. I took him on. I took the breed on. I could’ve  took a shine to the alsation grandadd told me about, King but I didn’t . ( ive got Kings name tag on the leather necklace I got in kavos 99. the duchess street address is one the back. granddad dropped another ricket when he wrote out the name on the back. L. AKEiNS. he splet our name wrong the dozy old duffer. How could he manage that when it would’ve taken him so long to engrave, because of his hand. My guess is, he knew exactly what he was doin. Just like he did on dads birth certificate.) I took a shine to the rough haired mongrel looking english bull terrier. the dirty scruffy sounding dog. the ugly one. granddad never had a fear of dogs. He never feared anything his whole life. Granddad didn’t fear anything below those chimneys, anymore than he feared anything above it. he was the man. I will never meet anyone like my granddad. none of us under him will. Lauren loved her granddad sid. She only met him a few times, but she knew he loved her. he loved all kids. 

one family member I got onside, is An archeologist photographer. Id say that suggests to me he could be good at diggin up old photos. Can one of his chimneys be finding a photo of Jesse…? He said he`ll let me have what photos he has of the family. One of them has a photo of dad working on a chimney. Id love that photo.  Someone has one. little bro reckons there must be a photo of jesse somewhere.   Ive got the birth and death certificates already. The stories granddad told me i checked em out. The ones I could anyway. I told my family I was writin a book about our history. One person said I should stop goin on about the past all the time. its morbid. How else do you write an autobiography. Its not morbid at all. whats morbid about knowing where you come from.

“ how come I never got to climb dad  ? “

“ the job died out thankfully. You don’t have to climb. 4 generations climbing for over a hundred years is enough fer any family. ”

“ what did it feel like up there dad, when you looked down from them chimneys and church steeples  ? ”

“ it made you feel like a king. it weren’t too good the first time. I was your age. A hundred foot before we went school. Like all the akiens did. Even the girls went up. they looked down on all the other steeplejacks, above the smog. We did what they couldn’t do as kids.”

“ even aunt moe..? “

 “ yes even your aunt moe “

“ grandad tells some good stories dont he dad. i love em. specially the ones about pete the english bull you had dad. "
" yes he does scott. and theyre all true. thats a family thing."
 “yeah i wish i could tell stories like granddad. "
" you never know scott, one day "
" so dad, dont worry about the 9 oclock horses. I don’t think theyre comin. il keep watch for a few nights just in case"
" yes well promise me you`ll keep the window shut til they do turn up "
" awwe. well ok then dad. can i make a tent and sleep in the back yard at the weekend...? "

" why..? what do you want to sleep out there for..? has lee been sayin he saw two red eyes in the corner again...? "
" yeah, ive dug a pit out ready. so i can dive on it. it could be a german dad”
" no you cant. foxes come over that fence from the railway line. thats all lee saw. foxes lookin over. you evil little bleeder you." he laughed out loud, like he always did.

"  you don’t want to be keepin that window open at night anyway scott”

“ why not…? ”

“well, the vampire bats might come for ya. "
" no they wont. how big are vampire bats dad..? "
" about your size id say "
 “ right. so they aint like them little uns that fly past our window dead quick. Good. ”
" how come granddad fell off 2 chimneys dad..? "
" look, i told u, he dint fall, he was in a rush to get to the van. he dint fall. he dived. Id kicked the sandwiches off the chimney top again, an I needed a smokescreen. So I said to yer granddad, “ is that a taxman lookin in the back window of the van….? ”

 Next thing I know, hes off . I like to think he dived anyway scott. "
" did he mean to come down into that cart of pigshi* dad...? "
" oi, watch yer language. no. he thought it was a cart of hay goin past. it was hay, on top. the hay kept the smell down apparently. "

“wonder what the entry was like.?  lucky he found the river the next time eh dad.
 imagine layin on a hospital bed , covered in that, and all your ribs are broke. it was a good dive wernt it dad ”

“ yeah not bad from a 200 footer. He could’ve missed.

Dad fuelled my imagination.The questions id throw at him came from a kids logic. The laughs he gave me I gave him. Kids do say the funniest things.

“Dad, I think we need to talk.”

“oh yeah, whys that then sharpshi*..? wassup ”

“ well, Its about this tooth fairy dad ”

“ what about her ? ”

“ well she dint turn up did she. I think you’ve got that one wrong as well ”

“ hang on, but you havent lost any teeth scott ”

“ well, no, but I found some in the playground.”

“ well that’s because she only comes when their your teeth scott. where did you get em from…? ”

“ er…. ”

How I fcuked 52 states the ako way.

1,Tina page 86 19 billo,  2, Louise 88 birstall 3, Alison H 89 4, Tara dec 1989   5, Lisa J 12 april 1990  6, Rebecca 7,Olivia 6^th oct 90 a twin 8, Lorraine 8 feb 91 9, Debbie mar 2^ndlakes10, Donna mar 2^rd lakes. A twin 11, samantha march 91  12, Sharon  jul 91 13, Cindy jul 91 14,clare Oct  91 15,theresa feb 92 16, Jenny, V big feet (coppers daughter) 92 17,Emily 30^thmay92 a twin 18,Nicola30th  may 92 19, Tina  Jan 23^rd  97 20, Jo p(my carr)  21 Sarah Talbot feb 98 22, Emma 10 mar 98 23, Heather mar 98  24, Victoria- link-later  E. goscote  april 98 25, Ghandi may 98 26, Karen   23^rd may 93   27, Sam  30^th may 93  28, Angie  july 98 29, Rebecca 6^th july 98   30, Tashsa 16^th august 98   31, Sarah 27^th dec 1998 32, Mandy 17^th feb 99 (a blue army fan. nice taff)33, Marie anstey.34, Karen,  35, Lynsey, Doncaster a twin. Kavos 36, irene , Man chester. Kavos  37, Katherine Man chester Kavos 38, Leslie Strachan Montrose (a grt scot) Kavos 39,Angie 40,Amanda 41, Claire north fields 42, Dawn feb 00    43, Helen Barrow–on-soar   44, Samantha may 6^th 00 45,Deb Topp Geordie bird. may 12^th 00 46,Nicola sept 00  47, Shaz (ginge) dec 00 48,Jo, (married )Wigston 49,Lindsey (a Favor, A Topp bird) march 01 50,Paula  Bmnt leys 51,Kim may 02. 19 Billo &13 Torridon 52,Tina no.3 Aug 16^th 03   O`shearer,

half left at the british restaurant kavos. I whipped him 5-1 in our lads bet. the twat made my holiday hell callin me beckham. I knew his game,he just wanted everyone to say he looked like shearer. Right down to goin bald young.The same combed over parting to cover the shine. It nearly fcuked my only ever hol in the sun right up. I had to deliver pizzas in Beaumont leys to pay fer that holiday ! if u aint done kavos,u aint lived.A british institution.There aint many germans in kavos cloggin up the bas*ard bar an nickin the sun beds,put it that fcukin way. Shearers a stocko kid as well. he lives on hipwell. Hes the boy, im the Lad.

These are the women in my diaries. 52 all written about respectfully, because they were worth more than just a boastful notch on the bedpost. This book is one women will warm to first. I was a proper Jack The Lad. I have a lot to be thankful of to these women. between em they taught me every trick in the bed. To some people some of em were a bit rough. A minger. A state.I met 52 states

The best person to ask about this chapter is Stu March. He was with me when I pulled most  of these birds. If you asked him if I walked like jack the lad back in the day, I now what he`d say. Yeah man. scott akiens. the stories hes got, id love to hear. Theres loads ive lost. My memory needs a bit of help. Those times today seem like a lifetime ago,like it was another person.Im glad its behind me. I don’t miss it. bein celibate the last 2 year,lifes been a hell of a lot more simple

 brits abroad . a very good night out in kavos. Mission accomplished. Says it all. The trouble wi shearer, was he couldn’t score by himself. He waited by the goalpost for me to bend them in. it didn’t matter what I did, he just couldn’t get anything on the end. Whenever I started chattin a bird up, this happened… “will u fcuk off idiot, im in ere!” shifty oshearer, at it again. A stocko boy, hipwell, im a stocko Lad Billo

He must have fcuked up over a hundred chances over the 2 weeks. Everywhere we went, I heard the name beckham, just so this sap could get peoples attention. I lost count of how many times I heard these words…..

“ Beckham, Beckham,”

id turn round an say,

“ yeSSS shearer ”

it was only ever really said when we were walkin past some birds.

At which point, one of em would turn round at hearin that word, see my curtains, and then slag me fore it.

“ beckham, u don’t look fcuk all like beckham, but you look like alan shearer ”

I got pretty good at lip reading the word wanker. I never thought I did look like that big Jessie footballer. He wasn’t bothered that only a few months before, that bloke got sent off against argentina and the whole of England hated him fore it. they hated me as well. Stereotypins a very dirty business. Im glad I whipped him 5-1. the lads bet was always goin to be a sportsmans bet. I only wanted a fiver on it. he knew he`d lost before we even left England.

It didn’t take me long to realize, id do better on my own after hed gone home at his usual uk 2 am deadline. He didn’t acclimatize very well. Most mornings I didn’t get home til it was light.

when he saw he wasn’t goin to score, he made sure I was in the next set piece. He fcuked it up. Not a team player at all. some birds at our hotel had a vote. They said shearer was sexier than me. not on that fcukin holiday he wernt. His one was some jock on the beach,so steamin she didn’t know her own name. Who the fcuk lobbed her make up at her, they wernt a very good shot. She was a minger, proper. It could have been the sun , but she looked like aunt sally. I dunno if that was make up, I didn’t dare get past its breath.The jock I done was nothing like her. A piss head yeah, but she was on oliday.I saw her a few times.We kept in touch for years since but not lately.Lovely Lesley, from Montrose. Apparently there was a 40 strong group of jocks terrorizin  the greeks and the brits in kavos as we got there. I couldn’t find the fcukers. I couldn’t find any of them greek blokes who were raping both sexes of brits on the beach late at night.The lads got a Chelsea smile to take home, as a reminder of their stay in heaven. I wanted to have a word about bitin the hand that feeds. About 7 or 8 of the fcukers came at me one night with bats and coshes. I was hoping id bump into one of them on the beach. Fresh out of national service, thinking theyre the lads. Just boys really. I used these knuckles loads as a kid. I know just what to do with them. they come like granddads, dads, great granddads. I dunno about great great granddad. I don’t know anything about him. His size, did he fight as well. I was never told.

don’t call me that shearer. Its akiens. u big jessie

at granddads funeral donna ask me if I had what granddad had. I said yes when I didn’t really know the question. She didn’t ask about my answer. To be honest, I dunno who confused who more that day. what did she know, could she see it..? such a strange question, but I did answer correctly.I do have what granddad has. Ive got the knuckles put it that way,and the voice.I even walk like him. lee always says hes the black sheep of the family. Hes the only one in our lot that says that. every one else knows its me.I had a fractured skull and a black eye at granddads funeral, if that doesn’t point out the black sheep, I dunno what does. Shame ive only got a fraction of his intelligence. he knew shi* he couldnt tell anyone. he told dad. maybe he told the others. He told them somethings definitely. Things that help this all make much much more clearer sense. If granddad had gone before dad, I reckon dad would have told me. as it was, I had to figure it all out on me own. What granddad had, was a will to never give up, in the direction that was chosen for him by his dad. no one would ever change that. nothing would ever change that. from the time dad asked me to re write the family tree adding all those amazing stories, it became an unchangeable direction for me. donna asked me if I was an ako. What would u say…?  Until you read why my dad called me evil akiens as a kid, you cant possibly understand. I dint ask to be called evil, anymore than I did beckham. That big Jessie.

it all started for me in belgrave tho. Goin backwards an forwards in time like this , gets the desired effect. It takes the clock off the wall.

I was born in belgrave on January 23^rd 1970, at 18 evans street. Next to justice street. Both named after famous cases in Victorian times. Evans street was named after the hanging of an innocent man. I should have been born on valentines day, but I came 3 weeks early. 14months after I was born, my younger bro was born in the same room. dad was in the kitchen both times smoking his head off. his upbringin didn’t allow him the understanding I have. I was always a quiet baby who never cried. So mam says. i was born with a weak chest, and a few times dad thought id died in the night in my sleep. He kept my cot beside his bed. We had to move because they were demolishing the street. I didn’t walk or talk until I was 2 years old. Then I kind of took off.  by 4 years old I  could climb the drainpipe outside our house. Mam always says I could climb on the shed roof. I could. But I preferred to drop onto it from the guttering. Mrs cootes apple tree was always a good laugh divin into it off our shed. When u see your 3 year old bro, back flip 10 foot onto a 4 inch mattress on stoney ground, that apple tree looks like a trampoline. I got a few scratches but it was worth the buzz. Always first over the fence when the billo kids went scrumpin in the big gardens in birstall. I always seemed to get caught when I went with them lot tho. One time I got caught by a gang of kids. teenagers. A dirty little estate kid in a posh kids back yard. I was maybe 6 at the time. they were spiteful kids. spoilt. We always walked it from stocko along the train lines. That could have very easily have been a Jamie bulger today. one of them pinned me to the fence by my throat. A fat ginger haired kid. Id shouted for the others to Wait. They just ran off. when I caught up with them later, the oldest kid with us was about 15.he ran like a girl as well. wayne hunter. He took the piss that I cried out, shoutin his name. he didn’t realise how much crap I was in on my own in that back yard. Worse than any alsation. I found my way out of it. I had to. he asked me what I was doin in their yard, stealing apples. I told them I wasn’t interested in their apples, where we lived we ate acorns, they taste much better. I had one in my pocket, and I took it out and bit it in half. He let go. I was off an away over the fence. I shouted back, they could come round our way anytime an try em. I knew they wouldnt. To them, stocko was like another planet. When I drove taxi`s a couple of year ago, I took some people back to those houses in birstall.  3 parts pissed and insultin me all the way home. just cos they hadnt pulled, and they knew id been pullin all night. I loved them jobs. I didn’t mind the queer boy comments at all.  

The hen parties were the real test. the laffs I had taxiin, confessions of a private hire driver.  I got called beckham and chesney bas*ard hawkes in this job. the times I had people singin I am the one an only. the firm I worked for, were gutted when I had to jack it in. I gave them lads loads of laughs. Its only 5 year ago now. im sure the lads still remember most of em. just like at kingsway. They have 15 years of stories. Im more than happy to include any stories they have, good or bad, if theyre true ill add em to the main book. theres loads of memories I cant recollect now. once I have the memory jogged with a few words about each story, im sure they’ll come back to me very clear. Im a dab hand at putting my thoughts and memories on paper, in an entertaining readable way. All I need is the ammunition to start firing off those chapters.

The Steeple Jacks Rapper

When I left school in april 1986, I hadn’t got a single qualification to my name. I didn’t take one exam. I wanted to be a copper believe it or not, but dad talked me out of it. he said id be a billy no mates. So I never bothered. I didn’t know what I wanted to do. I felt cheated I couldn’t climb chimneys in a way. As daunting as that prospect would have been, I felt I never got the chance to prove myself to myself in that way. I reckon I would have made it as a climber with dad, because he told me he knew I would have made a great climber. Long strong arms, not heavy at all, perfect for very long ladders. Very good balance. But it wasn’t to be. I was the akiens who went back inside the factory. I got a job deliverin for bedland for a few weeks, but the job was only a temporary one. then I got a job working for a printing firm. I enjoyed it, the lads were a great laugh. One of the lads Roger always said I should be in print. I got the sack for turning up an hour late on a Sunday mornin. I didn’t get work til 7. it was only overtime anyway. I was just a labourer loadin up the printing press`s. 2 4 colours and a 2 colour machine. I told my mates bro at no17 at the time. he told me I should join the union. Id get better money and I wouldn’t be workin so hard. They found out cos I told a workmate what I was goin to do. Rhey got rid before I got chance to join. When I went to pick up what money they owed me, my little bro was waitin outside under ksway canes porch. The gaffer of the place noticed my bro standing there and asked if he could help him. Mark told him he was looking for a job when he left school the following april. He told mark he could use some one now,and mark told him about me. as I came out of warner Russell, I walked straight into another job. He asked me if I was any good with my hands, I said yes, and he asked if I could start on the Monday. I got the job. We shook hands and I asked his name.

“Mr Danson” he said.

“No, whats your real name. What do I call you ?”

“oh, call me Brian.”

“ ok then brian, See you on monday” The start of a very very enjoyable employment. Well, employment part one. one of my first jobs was helping wheeler out in the spray shop. We got off to a shaky start. When I told him I had a job next door in the printing factory, he ask me,“ what did u do there then young un, make the tea..?” the truth sometimes stings. work dropped off after crimbo like it usually did, and I got laid off on my 17^th birthday. I went in on Saturday mornings for the next few months until work picked back up and they set me on full time again. 06/06 87. being given a new chance, I applied myself more. I picked things up pretty quick. You couldn’t ask for a better gaffer. tight, but that’s just gaffers for ya. He moaned when I took the odd friday off but I think he saw I made up for it. the gaffer would always help me out if I really needed it.When I heard on the radio Richard branson got voted the best gaffer, I always thought it was my gaffer. I lost count of how many times his credit card got me out the shi*e. I didn’t mind the long or unsociable hours. For 5 of those 14 years I helped the gaffer load the lorry every Wednesday night.No one else would stay, an I couldn’t see him doin it on his own. He would’ve tried to load it on his own. I could talk to bri easily. The most knowledgable person I know ( outside the family ).  I looked forward to those loading nights. More so after dad died. It was never a chore and it was never money motivated. I looked at it as a new duty. It was very comforting. The gaffer told me a few times, I had a job for life at ksway, because of my skills, and my commitment to ksway I imagine. A few of the lads always said I was a lifer. The gaffer could see that loyalty. I enjoyed working at ksway. I wouldn’t have wanted to work anywhere else. This place gave me laughs I still cant believe happened. Writing about those times is a pleasure now.The people there were like a second family to me. maybe that’s why things were took so personally when that employment came to an end. For legal reasons, im not usin real names about any of these stories. Only the gaffer. If anyone in those stories are happy to be named, and they have stories of their own to add, ill be happy to add them. anyone wanting a full copy of the complete book ive written, can have one by all means. For a donation. Printed copies cost a small fortune to run off. Im not giving out the book on disk to anyone yet though. Only family, and those with lots to add. Anyone from ksway will have a story to tell about the young un. I did enough daft things at ksway. I made some real good workmates. As close to bro`s as you can get. Some of the games we played to get thru the day sometimes, were unbelievable. Some of the competitions we had, you wouldn’t believe we were grown ups. One very memorable one was, “who`s the king, of ksway…?” I haven’t lost that bet yet. I cant tell you how I lose but I can tell you how I win. I took crap off everyone when I first started. As youd expect. I worked my way up the ladder inside the factory bit by bit, earning more respect along the way as I got older. Learning all the trades asked of me. blokes a lot older than me who`d been in the business for years, were askin me my advice on how best to do a certain job. Starting off sanding parts, as most people do in the cane industry. Plugging , parts and general dogsbody. All the crap jobs came my way.Fetchin the cobs, which I was glad to. I wasn’t when it was laggin it down an ferret had 2 cups of tea and the kettles empty. That used to pi** me off. I was forever having to be on my guard against another pi**  take. I got em back whenever they got me.  I had to. I didn’t want to be another mouse.A lad who worked there before me. I never met him. Apparently he took a fair bit of stick. The Lez made the instruments of pain. I.e, a length of cane wi nails in one end. Home maid cat o 20 tails. That kind of thing. I got told they even made a big cross and tied him to it for a laff.I couldn’t be another mouse, I was the Rat !! just one of many nicknames. The first one they gave me was my favourite.  What I got called the most. The Young Un. One time I got lez a treat. Me an potted tried the old, sisters drivin lessons wind up. Absolute classic. “ Aye up lez, ask potted how his sisters getting on with her drivin lessons ”  “ eh, whats that then youg un..? ”   “ his sister took the Daimler out on a lesson and smacked into a bollard. Go an have a butchers at the front grill if you dont believe me mate.”   Off we went, down to inspect the damage. “ fcukin ell she`s spanged that aint she”  “ see. Just ask him, hows the sisters drivin lessons goin...”  a bit later, lez was on the bender, as potted went past. Lez bein a very shrewd character himself, waited for the right time.  “ Oi potted, hows your sisters drivin lessons goin…?” alas he couldn’t hold the straight face, he started laughin as he said it. “ potted started walkin towards him slowly, pretending not to hear him. He was grining as he walked towards him, then he asked him to repeat the question.  “ I said, hows your sisters drivin lessons goin…? “ again he burst out laughin. His laughs like sid james laugh. potteds face turned to stone instantly. Potted is probably the last person youd want to upset. Its no secret. “ who fcukin told you to say that to me. that’s sick that is lez. I cant believe you of all people could come out with that, after she`s just been paralysed in a car crash, you cun* lez. Don’t fcukin speak to me again ”   “  but, I only…”  “ im not interested lez. I thought we were mates ”  “ but, I only…” but potted had sloped off in a huff. The look on lezs face as potted was rollockin him. An absolute picture. How potted never laughed, ill never know. Lez turned to me and said, “ what did you tell me to say that for young un. Thanks a bunch. ”  they got me enough. Ppotteds never had a sister. Best bit was, lez knew he dint have a sister, he was just too eager to take the pi**.  If someone had anything to get slagged off about, they got slagged. The rumours I put round that place about people, I had some laffs. When I was single a few years ago, 2001 ish, I really did take the piss. The lorry driver, tricky, sorry, delivery boy, had 3 daughters. One of em came in now and hen to see her step daddy. Nicki, about 3 or  4 years younger than me. we got on well and always had a laff when she came to kingsway. Tricky would mention her now an then when all the lads were rubbing down. Straight away Id pounce on him. “tell you what mick, id fcukin shag her mate, bet shes a right goer. Shes had plenty of blokes tho eh. Whens it my turn…?”  he most usually just ignored me. he couldn’t take me serious with the lads all laughin. then one day, an opportunity knocked, an I jumped on it with both feet. As im strollin thru the factory, I spotted mickys mobile on his bench unattended. What a mug I thought. I could text like lightening then because my fingers were very nimble from rapping then. It only ook me a minute to text nicki. “ hiya babe, this is scotts mobile number if you want to give him a text.”  2 minutes later, my phone went. A day later we were on the piss in melton. 2 days later, the deed was done. Micky invited me round for a roast dinner with the family, candlelight job with him and his missus. Even came to fetch me to take me melton. Everything looked rosy. Too rosy. My mate loz, told me what micky had said to him about what he thought of nicki seein me. he did a wicked impression. Typically tricky. One hand on the hip, the other on the forehead. Like larry grayson. “you know what loz, I cant believe she`s seein him. Whats she thinking of. You know he`s like when it comes to birds. Fair dos, they did hear about quite a few back then. 2 faced bas*ard tho eh. We saw each other for a few weeks, but it wasn’t workin. So she got dumped. Fcuk me, that wernt good enough either.  She got married to some kungfu expert she met a few weeks later. One time lez and loz, (lemon) were stood looking at the racks above our heads. They looked a bit worried and shouted me over. “ young un, have you seen this…? “  “ whats that….? “   “”these racks aint safe. They’ve nearly moved an inch, look. These 2 marks were done when they first went up. Across the joint. “ I took one look at the lines not matching up…” right fcuk it, theyre coming down. I aint working under them fcukers with all that weight on em. Come on, lets ave the gaffer. where is he.? “  lez just kind of shuffled off round to his plank, loz stood looking at the marks and said “ nah young un, im not sayin ote to the gaffer. it`ll be ok “   “ it`ll be ok… you fcukin what. Youd sooner sit under that than say summat about it. fcuk that. you spineless pair of bas*ards. ” I bit like a good un. What a wind up off the cuff.  I bought my fishin catapult in out the car one day. We hung a coffee jar up in the corner. Wed take potshots at it with screws. We got thru loads of em. Boxes. I put a screw straight thru it first shot. Could I hit the bas*ard again.  When jan came down with the wage books, she spotted it and asked lez what it was. “ oh that, we catch wasps in that.“   “ that’s a good idea eh “.   Brit used to unlock the door as potted parked the car in the mornings. In the winter it was pitch black. I used to hide behind the old water tank and dive on him. He used to shi* himself. I got complacent tho. One morning he jumped out the car and ran round the tank behind me. I shit myself that morning. Another good memory,was on my 21<sup>st</sup> birthday.At just after half one,I got dragged out the bog by all the lads. They just booted the door in and piled onto me. luckily I was only avin a fag an not on the throne. Goin on the tree meant a lot. However dirty it got, it was part of bein accepted. When u went on the tree, you were lucky if you didn’t get a bowl of maggots lobbed at ya. On top of everything else. 25 litre drums of Tea slops weeks old, fags ends, food colouring, lipstick, treacle, sawdust, come the end of it, I must have weighed 12 stone. One drawing I remember goin up, was when i cracked our lee that time. I fcuked my hand up, losing a knuckle. I saw gilly down the royal that morning. The drawing that went up at ksway made me pi**. Me in a pair of shorts, showin all my ribs, skinny legs, long gangly arms, big gloves, spiked blonde hair, and a great big pair of shorts. pity I cant remember the words that went in the speech bubble.  I remember one bloke sayin he thought theyd over done it with the chest. I loved it. being the Rapper made it all the better. I could be creative in my work, having 2 full hands, ive always appreciated them more than most, because of granddad. I don’t think theres a person at ksway who can say theres been a better Rapper than me. my designs are ongoing on many of todays designs. I miss the work as well as the people. It feels like a lifetime ago, but I know if I sat at my box, id rap like I rapped all week. not up to speed, my hands wouldn’t cope very well. Theyd suffer because theyve gone soft the last 2 years working on my pc. If I could say sorry to those people for all the worry and upset ive caused, id be happy to put different designs on new ideas. No one raps like me. I blow that trumpet because I know its true. My raps will sell furniture. I wouldn’t want anything for it, just one possible avenue of apology. Giles never taught me anything. Just a basic rap or 2. he didn’t show me how to rap properly. He wasn’t as fast either. His raps were always coming back. Mine never did. When I was rubbing down in the sprayshop, anyone could see which was my work and which was giles`s. sometimes when you pulled the raps tight, now and then you got one that snapped. It comes as quite a shock to punch yourself in the face. Ay rapper will know what I mean. I did it times. I never let it stop me Rapping properly. Giles did. “ I aint smackin meself in the face like that again young un. Fcuk that.”  I can hear him sayin it still. Another story he told me made me laugh. hed gone out one night as young bloke, and got steamin. He woke up with some bird. A bit of a minger by all accounts. she woke up and they cuddled for a bit and she told him how much she enjoyed the night, and her life story. How her dad never wanted her, and every bloke she ever met trampled all over her. Giles, bein giles, he didnt give a toss. He tod her he had to get work, and hed drop her off on the way. I dunno what she was sayin, but he pulled in at a petrol station. “Ill put the petrol in, you go an pay for it, get some sweets while you in there eh love.” probably feeling like her luck had finally changed, she trotted off to pay. What did you do man, how did you get rid of her…?   “ easy, I just beeped the hooter a couple of times, bunged her handbag out the window an drove off young un.” When he told me it, I didn’t stop laughin for a week. I enjoyed most of my jobs at ksway. Glass cutting, beading, finishing off, I hated staining. Not too keen on sanding, it’s the dust. The nights out were wicked. We had some right laughs. Id say the crap doesn’t even make up 1% of ksways chapter. I can do without that 1%.  Id say dougs got about 10% of the chapter to himself. Lemon heads got probably more. Looking through the diaries I kept over the years, I can pinpoint some stuff that went on. Like the race up the drive in the cars. Me being the mug in the passenger seat skidding out onto the main road in both steve and giles cars. Giles made 48 max, steve managed 47. surprisingly. That’s what it says in the diary, I remembered the speeds anyway. Giles did skid more into the road, I remember my fcukin toes were curled up I know that much. He always was a bit Jacobs behind the wheel. He went scrambling over the golf range with the coppers hot on his tail, I still laugh at that story. He asked me for his help pickin some bricks up for someone. A tenner for a couple of hours work in 87 was a good earner for me. that estate next to the hobby horse, where I used to have to drive like a maniac myself taxiin, well that’s where we had to pick the bricks up from. Late at night. I didn’t know that till we got there. Theres a matching garage in anstey. Just like lemon head didn’t know where the gravel was comin from, until the pit owner drove off and giles told him “ quick, start shovellin it in the boot, before the cun* comes back”. When we nicked them bricks, he snapped his car across the middle. All for 20 quid. Them for sale signs he started doin wi lemon, giles asked me to do a few with him. I could be wrong, but I don think lemon knew about them jobs. We pulled up outside some big swanky house, giles didn’t even knock the door. He just started bootin the plants out the obviously well kept front garden. He even pulled a fir tree up because it was in his way. The flowers he kicked up, he left them where they landed. I think he chucked the fir tree in the boot.  He told me he`d already been paid for the job an didn’t need to knock the door. I told him it wasn’t standin straight, he said “fcuk em, what do they expect for 20 quid young un” the one thing I can say about giles, he grafts.I never met anyone so hard working. Machine like. It doesnt bother him if the job aint a good un,its done is whats important. I loved goin fishin with giles. Always a laugh. it gutted me when he left. I took on all the Rapping then. His missus cleared of on new years day, an he didn’t want to take the shi* off the lads. So the lads all thought. Giles was forever arguin wi cherry. All the frame makers used to take the piss. 4 frame makers to us 2 rappers.  The gaffer always said the correct term for my job was a lapper. I never heard anyone else but him ever call it that. whatever it was I told people I was a Rapper. Lapper, that sounds like a jap. Jap was the rapper whos job I got when he cleared off back in 87. ksway were down to one rapper for the first time If my memory serves me right. There were 4 Rappers planks . New year 1993 was when giles abandoned ship. the next few years my hands seriously went thru the mangle. Always burnt, dried out and split fingers. The gaffer was worried I wouldn’t be able to cope with the work loads now coming in, the imports saved ksway. The lads were worried it would finish us, and none of us liked the idea we wouldn’t be making certain items ever again. I understood perfectly it had to be done. Looking thru my old wage books, I can see I did my job well. Because I itemized every job I did, I can see how much I did by a certain time each day. The worst job a Rapper can have, was one I looked forward to. 727 Chip chairs. They were bas*ards when JB used to make em. When lemon made em they were a great job. Lemon is to me what giles was to J B. I didn’t worry too much about making money on them. I wanted to make them look as good as i could. If you can do 8 in an 10 hour day, you’ve earnt your money. Your hands in the mornin, will be half closed, burning the instant you wake up. Holding a warm cup of tea is too much for your fingers. Times I dropped a cup of tea on the floor in our front room in anstey in the mornings. You forget how sore your hands are. Id get up at 4.45 to catch the half 5 bus to groby road. Then I walked up blackbird road to work. That was before I passed my test when Lauren was a baby. Every mornin your hands needed to moisten up before your fingers became supple again. You need to be very quick with your fingers. A good rapper will have faster fingers than a pianist. It’s the worst part of the day. Having to go through that burning until your hands are ready again for more. Blood seeps through your skin without cuts.  For a while we were getting tape that protected your fingers a bit. Me and giles would bind our hands up like boxers in the fag room before we started at 6 am. Mummified hands. The factory was freezing then. No heating, and grabbing that first bundle of wet rapping out the freezing cold water tank woke your hands up. It was worse in the beginning because we were still using natural rapping. Rapping with the outer skin of the cane plant. That rapping was very sharp. Serated edges. If you had a length of natural rapping cut into your fingers, you knew to it. I remember getting back from fetchin the cobs one day, and giles looked like a ghost. I asked him what had happened and he told me hed pulled a length of natural too tight, and his hand slipped along it. it went almost clean thru to the bone. Like a bread knife. I was only too glad to see the back of that stuff. When that stopped we didn’t have to wash the funiture down with rags soaked in thinners. That stung like hell. However many plasters you put on your cuts, the rapping just burnt straight thru em. Then the rappng is going thru the cut left earlier. Stinging aint the word. Different people have done their little bits of rapping over the years. All with a time a certain job took them. the jobs that came easy or they enjoyed. Or the best paid ones. I didnt get to cherry pick, I had to rap constantly keeping those times. It’s the same as saying a newly passed driver has the same road knowledge as a taxi driver.  Comedy always goes on about a pampas table he rapped in 20 minutes. He probably rapped one in 20 minutes. I could do 4 an hour. Average.  Even tho the imports were coming in, we still had bales of cane delivered. Them days were very long ones. Being skinny and nimble, I always got the job of goin in the rack. A few of the workers over the years gave me the nickname cat burglar, ( where I live had a lot to do with that ) because I didn’t like using the ladders to get furniture down. I could jump to grab the edge of the shelves and haul myself up. Also it was a pain in the harris fetchin the ladders. No one wanted the rack job. You had to drag the bales in workin your way up to the ceiling. My hands got battered doing that. scraping my hands down the walls, into the wooden beams holding the racks up. Each bale was like a wooden flexible carped. 16 foot long maybe, weighing much more than me easy. We`d walk them in one at a time, then as the racks started to fill up I had to dive in and help pull the bales in. sometimes as many as 180 bales. I slept well them nights. After a morning luggin them about then having to rap in the afternoon, cream crackered is the best way I can put it.  big sores on your shoulders, your nails broken or split, your arms scratched and grazed, I enjoyed goin home after those days. It pi**ed me off to break nails, because I needed them to do my job properly. They were almost as important as my knife. I made my own knives when I took on all the Rapping. Giles plodded on with a rusty blunt thing, not realizing he could pick up speed if he used better kit.  Id get steve to sort out a blade and id make a handle for it. the edge steve put on those knives I couldn’t get. I remember seeing him show me how sharp the blade was. by cutting a layer of skin off the palm of his hand. Knives last years if you make them properly.The last ones I made I hand carved, then bound them in leather and stained them green and laquered em up. They fitted my palm perfectly. I lost one in the cane store, its still there now I should imagine. I know the rack its in. the other one I took home with me when I left. ( The coppers have that one now. they took all sorts when they raided mams when I got sectioned. 2 am a knock at the door. Our lee shouts up“er, scott, there a load of coppers at the door for ya mate ” when I came down and walked out, it was like a scene out the matrix. A dozen coppers, all with side arms. “ fcukin ell is there enouh of ya, come on then, which van am I goin in..? ” im not expecting them to give me that knife back. Not again ) I felt good the days we had cane deliveries. because I felt knackered. Id earnt my money. We had some laughs unloading the cane. I dunno which was a worse partner, giles or the gaffer. they both thought it was a race. Me and giles were dragging a bale off one day. Id got the end with the loose ends. Giles just bunged it on the floor without tellin me. as it whipped up, the end I was holdin smacked me full across the chest. It knocked me into the fence about 7 foot away.I just got my chin out the way of it,luckily.He didn’t even see it , he was already walkin back to grab another bale. Daft c***. One day giles attacked me with a knife. The lez saw that. I remember looking round to check he was watchin at the time. as he was slashin away at my leather sleeve, I remember thinkin, “fcukin ell,that knifes gonna fall to bits in a minute.Good job he aint usin mine.”I remember the gaffer catchin us playin cards in the smoke room. That didn’t go down too well. He went bersrek. Every one reckoned we should have asked him if he wanted in. when he shouted, “what the hell do you 2 think your playin…?” I said  “ er… 3 card brag ”. there really were some laughs here. Some fool agreed to leave a vending machine.One of them things u put money in.big mistake.I wasnt there when the vending machine was installed.I saw what was left of it when I first started in 86.

One of my earliest memories of ksway was when it was really pissin it down one day. the drive was like a river. An old lady stood under the porch out the rain and the thunder and lightening. Me and dougie went to see if she was ok. she was. that day doog borrowed the firms little van. A bright ornage/yellow marina van. I couldn’t say it was a complete knacker, I only ever had one lift in it. whe granddad took me Hereford, he said a few times, “ listen scott, you cant hear that engine can you.” he was right, but not because the engine was quite, the noise the rest of the car made drowned it out. if I ever thought that allegro wasn’t entirely a class motor, it was compared to ksways little van. If it hadn’t been raining so heavy, parker drive would’ve been full of smoke. After we finally got it goin, we pulled out of ksway goin left down the hill towards my house. The rain really was hammering it down. as doog was fightin with the gear changes, I noticed something. One of the wipers had wiped the water away, and the blade had come off. just the metal arm was goin. Drivers side. parker drive gets busy come knockin of time. lots of cars and lorries. Panic kicked in, doog had to wind the window down quick to look out and see where the fcuk we were goin. as luck should have it, he turned the window handle , and the whole pane just dropped into the door. The brakes were a bit spongy n`all. we were surprised to find it had brake pedals an not holes in the floor. Sounds like the old knacker I got when I first started taxiin. 

another memorable day was my 20^th birthday. I had a surprise visitor that day. The gits got me my 1^st stripogram.(The 2^nd came a year later on my 21^st at home Closest ive ever got to fcukin a copper. All the women from upstairs came down , office staff and upholsterers, everyone. The most embarrassed ive ever been. the photos are courtesy of someone at ksway. Comedy probably, he aint in any of em.Typical,She just fcukin had to be cherries cousin eh. And yes, I was that colour on the day !!         

The Young Un

This is just the beginning of ksways re vamped chapter. No crap or harmful stuff what so ever. . id sooner this chapter was written this way. I had a lot of good times here. too many to let a few bad ones spoil it. I cant let ksways story stop me writing my families story. All I can do is re write it.

The ring of fire

The Date, July 12^th 1999.  the place, Kavos, corfu, the situation, a 2 week lads holiday in Greece. dirty beckhams takin on shifty o shearer for the unsung captaincy of England. a sportsmans bet with a lady involvment. He wouldn’t put a fiver on it. he knew he`d lost before we left England. I delivered pizzas to pay for it. the csa were fleecing me. I had to take a tax exempt position. I was bendin em in fer shearer, but he just couldn’t seem to get on the end of anything. so I just started whippin em in for me. I went straight for goal. What shifty o shearer dint know, was who dirty beckham really is underneath. Evil akiens. the first night was where it all took off. with a bang. Literally.  We spent the day finding our way round, sortin out lockers an goin to the hotel meetin. 5 of us went. Me, shearer, chapel, our frank spencer, and the march brothers. Stu my mate and his bro a few years younger than us. He shared wi me because I smoke. It made sense. The other 3 had a split level apartment. Stu on the upper tier and chapel an shearer on the lower tier where the kitchen was. chapel it has to be said is a bit of a jinx to say the least. Among his doins, he once stood looking over a stream full of rocks. He fell in without even putting his hands out to stop him hitting the rocks. Flat on his face. he makes traffic light circuit boards and has done for over 12 years. he got promoted finally, to fork lift truck driver. Before the end of the day, he`d took the roof off the workshop. When you hear what he did in Kavos, you just wont believe it. everything happened as I write it. I had a secret axe to grind on mr chapel. I owed him for something he did some years before. Evil akiens was gonna get his payback. Revenge is a dish, best served chilled, I followed it up, with a burnin hot drink. Opportunity knocked on day one, of my greek encounter. evil akiens struck again. one night, me and my mates glover an rolf, were walkin along abbey lane to the abbey pub. Stu an chapel pulled up along side us in chapels van.A Bedford like granddad had. they offered us a lift so we climbed in the back. it was full of junk. 4 steel wheel ramps, a big tool box, all kinds of stuff. Somehow, we ended up drivin into braunstone. As we came round a bend, chapel oversteered. Or, the turth is, he was drivin too fast. He flipped it over. He rolled it, and we ended up skiddin along the road for 30 or 40 yards on its roof. It the back, it was bein kitten in a cement mixer wi bricks. I could hear the petrol rushin, and I could see the sparks comin from the roof. we stopped as we hit the kerb. That stones still smashed in today, on Woodville road on the bend near the shops. He jumped out, and ran across the road, expectin it to explode like we did.We were trapped inside,battered.My mate had his head split open, I had some skin took off my shoulder. My mate booted the doors open and we got out. it didn’t explode, but he didn’t know that. he could’ve killed us.So,whatever happened in kavos, so long as he came back alive. I told the coppers thr truth. He was drivin like a twa*, and I wanted those words used in court. He took the hump with me over it for a couple of years. I got him a 500 quid fine an a 6 month ban. He got it himself really.

Day one in kavos, we planned an early evening dinner in the town, then a walk back to the digs to freshen up for the first night out. a few beers at the hotel before we hit the town about 9.30 -10 oclock.  I had no intention of goin home early because I got pissed too  quick.I paced myself. I was pissed by the end of it, I just made sure I knew as much of it as poss.I wanted to bring the memories home.for the diaries.Me chapel and shearer went out for something to eat. Stu an phil stayed at the digs. we found a café bar and sat down to order. I ordered lasagne, then shearer did, then chapel did. Mine came first but I had a fag on so I said andy could have it. mine and shearers came out and we all tucked in. my lasagne was cold in the middle, so was shearers.

“aye up mate, this lasagnes cold. Can you take it back and bring me a cooked one please bud. Ta. What was yours like andy..? “

 he`d ate his. He probably thought lasagne was served that way in Greece. He said it was hot all thru. Andys too timid to say ote. shearer made me laff after,

“ see how andy copies us, cant he order note for hiself “

shearer copied me all holiday. I spoke to a bird, he jumped in an fcuked it up for me. he started playin for his own team. a goalhangin poacher. I got his measure comin up as well. we finished eatin an made our way back to get changed an spruce up a bit. Stu was already fed up of andy following him around. So I hatched a fiendishly cunning plan. Evil akiens, was gonna wake up mr chapel. We went in one bar, quite a big place with lamps on the tables. The music was bangin, an everyone was buzzin. Cept andy. I found myself talking the barman

“ yeah hows it goin bud, bottle of bud please. Can you do us a favour ”

“ yeah mate sure, whats up “

“ see that lad over there, I wanna check hes got a pulse. Know what im sayin “

“ ha, always one int there. leave it wi me bud, ill sort him. “

“ cheers “

“ anyone ever tell you, you look like david beckham “

“ yeah once or twice mate. Call me w***** if you want, everyone else is since that big Jessie got sent off las year. Can you see alan shearer over there..?  “

“ fcuk me oh yeah. “

“ I seen a bloke earlier that looks the spit of teddy sheringham.”

“now that’s, spooky “

me sheringham & shearer. chapel in full swing enjoyin himself on the end.

when andy went up to the bar, the jammy sod won a free shot. He was the hundredth customer of the night. A tumbler full to the top of a pale blue liquid, which he had to drink before he could have the bottle of cheapo amstel. Obviously im there whippin everyone up , bangin my hand on the bar. As lads do. “Come on andy, come on andy, In one, in one, in one. he managed half of it.

shearer hittin the post again.  andy havin another swingin time.  the Lads

 then he started coughin an choking. I thought id have a taste to see what it was like. my nose told me before my lips reached the liquid. those lamps on the tables, I could see thru the glass, had the same blue liquid in. he drank paraffin. They warned us at the hotel meetin, that some bars were servin it up as shots. But you don’t think things like that will happen to you do ya. It woke him up tho. I was standin at the bottom of our stairs outside the apartment later that night, chattin to some bird. The stars looked amazing. Lemon trees behind me. it seemed so surreal. It seemed surreal when andy went past. at about a oner. He told me as he went past, he`d fell over a bridge wall. The last few words were a bit faint. Success, ive woke him up. I did him a favour. The next morning, shearer knocked on our door with a worried look on his face. me and phil had 2 birds there when he called. Kelly and michelle from Doncaster. Theyd arrived the day before same as us, on the same coach.

“ you aint gonna believe what andies done beckham. You just wont “

“ waddya mean. Whats he done now  “

shearer obviously thinking of savin andy too much embarrassment. in front of these birds who were here for as long as us.

“ er… I think hes been sick  “

“ u what, hes been sick. Are u surprised. Do you know what that drink was..? meths “

“ yer jokin. Well no wonder hes bin sick. “

“ come an have a look for yourself. You aint gonna believe it mate. be quiet tho, he`s still asleep “

“ awwe man, this don’t get any better. come on girls, lets go wake him up “

from the second that apartment door came open, he hadn’t been sick. The site that greeted us, I wish d took a photo. Maybe one of the others did. We climbed the ladder to stu`s tier, and we looked down over the railing. He was fast asleep. One arm raised up with his hand behind his head, the other patting his stomach in his sleep. Tears were hitting the floor beside his bed like rain. All of us were doubled up at what was down below. A streak of something was just beside his rightside. Along the floor, a trail of something. Like an explosion trail. The phone on the bedside, had gone. He`d covered it completely. A perfect circle. Like he put a tin round the phone. A 1970`s type phone. As the tears hit the floor and our laughin grew louder, he slowly woke up. he looked a bit surprised to see all of us looking over the balcony at him. a second later when the stench hit him, he looked very startled. He stopped pattin his tummy, and got up. when he saw the phone, his head dropped.into his hands.

“morning andy, have a good night did ya   ? “

“ well ive had better “

“ what the hell happened here. Jesus H Christ  ? “

we had to go out on the balcony for some fresh air by this point. we all had stitch from laughin so much. On the first night as well. he helped make that holiday. One photo I took shows andy comin thru the French windows with his head in his hands, kelly behind him with a towel over her face. it says it all. its hard tryin to imagine, just what went bang in the night. His boxers were clean, so he knew to take em down. if only we had a camera set up to film it. that would be priceless. Seein chapel from above, cleanin the phone with tissues, a monster of a hangover, an everyone laughin at him. that Doncaster accent is wicked.

“ eere, ya dirty bas*ard, you’ve pi**ed the bed as well “

“ er… no I haven’t “

er… horse, pig, hung, spring, mind. Did it matter.

“ the maids come anytime don’t they …? You better get  move on andy .“ we were goin to book him a wake up call, but we decided against it. we couldn’t take any more chances, when andy gets the phone, he gets it. the buttons were all stuck down any way.  At some point in the holiday, andy asked me a question that was on his mind.

“ what I don’t get scott, is why did u bring them birds in , with all that lot on the bedside table..? “

“ I dunno andy, im sorry mate. Maybe I shouldn’t have “

what I felt like sayin,  was why did you run across the road, leavin us trapped in a burnin wreck. But I didn’t wanna ruin his holiday by telling the truth. That was just the first day of that holiday. Theres more.  Loads more. How did I get shearer back tho. I haven’t yet. When andy told his mam when we all got home, she wasn’t surprised at all. it aint like it’s the first time is it Andrew she said. Evil akiens 1 chapel 0

that first night in Kavos, gave me laffs I never thought id have again after dad. he wants me laughin. His bottom line, laughter, will get you thru it all. the best medicine goin. what really got us vexed, was how the hell did he get some in the fridge. My only conclusion, is that it mustve have fcukin burnt his ar*ehole.

 the dream I was given as a kid, was this dog. He came true because I never let go.  they do come true.

sid akiens 2005.

more than just a dog, to lots of people. Not just me. he was gonna be a Jesse akiens, I wanted to break the jinx dad said that name had in our family. But from the second I saw the bald patch on his head as a pup, and those 2 red ears, I knew he was a sid akiens.

the most important chapter has to go to those people that matter more than anyone else. My kids. the last few years without them in my life have made it hellish. I know the suffering theyre going thru. I know how they miss that happiness they had here. everything we did together at mams. I wrote all this for them, because my dad asked me to. shame their mum didn’t like reading about me catching her with some other bloke on Christmas eve 3 months after dad died. Or the affair that went on until 2 weeks before dad died. Or maybe she didn’t like reading about the nosebleeds she gave me when she got pi**ed off. that’s why she stopped me seeing them. The copy she read was 6 months old when she read it. She thinks she can keep them from finding all that stuff out. if she can figure out a way to stop them growin up, she could do it. They’ve been in my thoughts the whole time. everyday I think about them. Looking at their photos is painful. I want them to know all about this last few years. the truth. why it went so horribly wrong. I want them to know all about their family, and where they come from.I want them to know the world I grew up in,and who I am. When they came into my world, they completed me. I gave them the same happiness dad gave us.I tried to make up for not bein able to live with them. I know how that made joel feel in particular.They loved it when I built them the climbing frame.The wooden castle in the back yard. The twins used to come up to me and shout at me, that I was the greatest dad in the whole wide world. I knew they meant it. the last couple of years all that has been taken away from them. From the hundreds of photos I have of the kids here, I can see I made them laugh in just about all of them. When lisa first told me she was pregnant, I was gobsmacked. Shell shocked. I didn’t know how lisa took the news herself. Obviously I wanted us to have the baby. we talked everything thru and decided to settle on a wedding date. On our lees birthday, September 11^th 1993. a few months after Lauren would come along. We were living at lisa`s mum and dads house at the time. looking for somewhere to rent in anstey. I went to all the scans, apprehensive but there all the same. On Saturday april 17<sup>th</sup> 1993, I got a call at work sayin lisa had gone into labour. she was ok for now but I had to make my way up to the hospital when I finished at dinnertime. Neither of us had slept the Friday night. Lisa had a bad pregnancy. The rest of the day was spent up the royal waiting. About midnight we were sent up to the delivery suite. The midwife was a Scottish lady, and the only other help available at that time was a very tall young muslim lad. he only spoke to ask permission to help. I wasn’t about to say no. the midwife told me I could get some sleep. Nothing would be happening for a while yet. I have to say I didn’t share her calmness. I settled down in the chair next to lisa, and fell sleep. About what seemed like 10 seconds later, I was woken up to be told the baby was coming. This was it. I watched most of the birth from next to lisa. I couldn’t hold her hand because she had drips in each. I really felt for her. at 2.50 am, on the Sunday morning, Lauren was born. I was over the moon. I wasn’t bothered she was a little girl like some blokes. It came as a shock to see her colour as she was born. I didn’t expect her to be all fluffy haired and glowing radiantly straight away. I didn’t expect her head to be shaped like it was and be completely purple. Man that did scare me. I asked the midwife if everything was ok. she looked at me and said yes, perfectly ok. I could see she was tryin not to laugh. I cried like a baby, I didn’t care a bit who saw it. I was the proudest man alive.  I rang lisa`s mam to tell her the good news. Then I rang my mam and dad. I didn’t go home to anstey that morning. I went to mam and dads so I didn’t wake the house up at anstey. I couldn’t sleep because I was on  high. so I went work for a bit. I knew id be having a few days off when lisa came home and I wanted to keep in front. dad loved it that Lauren was named after him. I remember smuggling in zinger burgers from kfc for lisa after Lauren was born. dad wasn’t there when I was born, he was in the kitchen smoking his hat off, like blokes did back then. I wasn’t goin to miss it for the world. I told dad all about the birth. It made him laugh. When I told him Lauren had a head like cwith eubankth. As Lauren came out, I saw something else following. The afterbirth. Im not squeamish, but I didn’t really feel the need to see that. I looked away, under the bed. It slid straight off onto the floor where I was looking. That time with Lauren until the twins came along was a very special time for all of us.  I couldn’t wait for work on the Monday to tell the lads, young uns got a young un.

A couple of years later, we decided we should add to our family. Things were great between me and lisa then. we had a lot of laughs. inspite of how things have turned out. within days lisa told me a test had come back positive. 2 tests had come back positive. A doctors appointment confirmed we were having another baby. the lads at work gave me stick, callin me one shot young un. When we attended one scan, we were asked an unusual question.

 “so how do you feel about having 2 children…? ”

“ We`ve got a daughter already, and yeah we want to have 2 kids. this time the baby was planned if that’s what you mean.”

“ no, I mean, how do you feel about having 2 children. Theres one head, and theres another. Youre having twins.”

oh my god. Twins. me lisa looked at each other, and I don’t know which of us was more surprised or happy. Twins. I remember me and lisa going up her mam and dads to tell them the news. Breaking that news was so special. At one of the scans, we were told lisa may have to have the babies by ceasarian section at 38 weeks. A usual procedure with twins we were told. If I was worried about being there when Lauren was born, I was when the twins were. The midwife told us at the last scan, that we should go into hospital on the 22^nd of January. I asked instantly if we could come in on the 23^rd instead. She looked at me a bit puzzled, as if I had something more important to do that day. I explained my reasons and she was happy to pencil in the 23^rd. the time seemed to fly. On January 23^rd 1996, I knocked off at dinner, and went to pick lisa up. I hadn’t eaten all day because of butterflies. we got to the hospital about 12.30, and we were taken through the procedures. I had to change into this green clobber. Hat and rubber clogs as well. they came to fetch me when everything was ready. I couldn’t believe it when I walked into theatre. It was like a space station control room. loads of people, with big machines and lights all over the place. There must have been 15 people in that room, all dressed in green the same as me. lisa was on the bad ready, with a screen just above her stomach. One of the midwifes asked me if I wanted to cut the chords. I said no thanks. Then she asked if i wanted to see them as they came out. I said no again, lisa needed me with her that side of the sheet. There was one difference in this pregnancy, I hoped for a boy. It didn’t matter to me, but I think anyone would hope for the same. As they began, I sat beside lisa, saying something completely stupid probably. Only a minute or 2 later, at 1.36 pm, a midwife told me the first baby was coming out, and he was a boy. I jumped up to see him. I knew what to expect in the way of colourin this time. ive got a son. I saw him a second old. Joel Thomas Akiens. then I dropped my gaze, to what was goin on. I wouldn’t say it spoilt the moment, that’s not possible, but it did make me look away a bit lively. A minute later at 1.37, Georgia Rae Akiens made herself know to the world. the twins were whippede away to be checked over, while I sat with lisa for a few minutes while they attended to her. I was so proud of her. we loved each other then. after a few minutes the midwives told me the babies were fine, and I could see them now. it was a shame I had to see them properly for the first time alone. The warmth in the room came from all the lights. The ceiling seemed lower. I stood watching over them both in their little incubators wrapped in soft white towels. It was an amazing feeling. The heat and the lights combined with not eating that ay, got the better of me. I could feel myself goin giddy. I asked one of them if I could have a cool place to sit with a glass of water. I sat in the corridor for a few minutes, because I didn’t want to risk faintin when I picked the twins up. as I was sat outside, I really thought about what I had just seen. Been a part of. I have twins. one perfect little boy, and one perfect little girl. As I sat outside the room, the tears started flowing. The pride i felt, how happy I was that everything went perfect for us. Joel weighed 6.4 and Georgia weighed 6.1. while I was sitting there, a student came up to me to ask me directions for somewhere. I couldn’t answer her for crying. She thought I was crying because I was upset. Sad. I tried telling her to stop apologizin, but I couldn’t get the words out. I sorted myself out and had a wash to clean up a bit. I went back into the theatre, and they were still busy with lisa. I sat down and they bought the twins to me. as I held them one in each arm, I looked at them both, and I started to cry again. I couldn’t hep it, and I didn’t care. The rest of those who had finished their work, and were tidying up, all stood looking at me with the twins, one in each arm. Im sure that was a special moment for those people as well. one midwife came up to me, and stroked each of the kids chins with her finger. She told me they were beautiful. Perfect. The tears flowed even more. I managed to get the words out, that it was my birthday. The whole room dressed in green sang happy birthday to us. I cried even more. That day I really was the happiest man on the planet.

 Dad called me goldenballs after that.   

i couldn’t wait to be a dad, because I knew I could give them the same happiness we had.  all the work we did in the garden was part of that happiness I tried to give them. I wanted them to have a home from home here. I wanted build them their own little heaven. that jobs not finished yet. With them coming back to my home, that’s all the boot up the jacksy ill need to get the motivation to finish it. they can help like they did before.

When dad was ill in 96, me and mark took Lauren to the zoo one Sunday. To give her some time away from the twins, and to take her mind off granddad lol. The twins took up a lot of our time, Lauren felt left out at times. She couldn’t have the same attention she was used to. she did off her granddad lol. We used to go twycross as kids with grandma and granddad. I always look forward to the reptile house. The crocodiles in particular. It always guts me theres is only a little un. I expected a crocodile to be 3 times that size. I crouched down close to the glass with Lauren to show her him properly. As we got close to the glass, his outer eyelid opened up revealing his inner white one. Lauren made me laugh.

“ eere dad, it’s got a funny eye. ” she wasn’t afraid tho. She didn’t look away from it. 200 million years of evolutionary success. A dinaosaur. Then we made our way to the elephant house. Just before we got to the elephant house, we got to another building. Some kind of exhibition room. when we went before they had hamsters and stuff on display. In we went the three of us, me skin and Lauren. As we were walkin round, something seriously grabbed my eye. Some bloke across the room had something rapped round his hand. Very brightly coloured. Magnetism or hypnotism, something pulled me across that room to have a closer look.

“ Ello mate, what snake is that then…? ”  

“ oh err, this one`s a king snake.”

“ no, youre kiddin me..”

“ yeah hes about 4 years old. They kill other snakes. Immune to venom”

“ yeah I know, Ive never seen one before ”

“ they eat other snakes whole ”

“ can I hold him mate..? “

“ err, if youre sure youre ok, yeah, be gentle tho ”

“  oh I will be mate. these creatures, you show respect.”

he put him in my hand, and he Rapped himself round my hand in seconds. Spiralling himself round my fingers. Like an unstant glove. Lauren was holding both mine and our marks hands.  Totally unafraid. I lifted him up to my eye level. he looked at me, his tongue could have licked my nose, I wanted him close. I wanted to give him the opportunity to bite me. he bowed his head, and looked away. He rested his head on my thumb, and I knew Lauren was ok to get close. I crouched down with the snake coiled round my hand, and I asked her if she wanted to stroke him. I didn’t need to ask her twice. Their eyes were inches apart. shame the photos our mark took dint turn out. Lauren will tell you the colours on that snake still. She`s got a memory like her dad. they miss me an im sure theyre wonderin where the hell I am. They want me in their lives everybit as much as I want to be back in theirs. Im workin on it kids.  I did all this for my kids, because my dad asked me to. he wanted me to make it funny.

  this site has been possible because it was free. the site i need to build to host the rest of this book is way too big for any freebie site. i need to finance a much bigger better site. its all going to be FREE.

if you feel in a position to help finance that site, please email me with whatever help you can offer. 

goldenballsspice@yahoo.co.uk

cheers