Not the official sequels

Inspired by the Washington Post Invitational contest, where readers were asked to combine the works of two authors, and to provide a suitable blurb, the Rickmanista Review inaugurates Not The Official Sequels, where visitors are invited to combine two Rickman film/audio/stage titles, and blurb. Please use only titles of works in which Mr. Rickman has been involved.

Photo courtesy of Blackrose

Please send your entries to faustaw@yahoo.com

January 1, 2003

From Kristen:
Galaxy Quest has neither Sense nor Sensibility: Thermians from the Klatu Nebula intercept 'historical documents' from the lifetime movies channel - i.e., Sense and Sensibility. They immediately all fall for either Marianne or Colonel Brandon and immediately vault Kate Winslet and Alan Rickman up to their ship where they all ask for autographs and generally act like fans at an Elvis concert in the 50s. Alan Rickman and Kate Winslet are forced to take up their roles and end up bumping into the Crew from Galaxy Quest and find out just what the heck is going on. Sigourney Weaver sees just how alike Alexander and Colonel Brandon look - and immediately goes for the guy WITHOUT the rubber head. Alexander then immediately falls for Kate Winslet and her very English looks. While there was a bit of rejection of Alexander because of the rubber head, they all lived happily ever after on the N.S.E.A protector after Alexander showed Kate exactly how he looked without it.

Harry Potter with Sense But no Sensibility: Marion gets accepted to Hogwarts School Of Witchcraft and Wizardry as the assistant to Professor Severus Snape and promptly falls in love with the aforesaid Professor. Alan Rickman, Colonel Brandon, and Snape all fight over poor Marion, before actually telling her that they are the same person. Marion finally gives up and goes home, where she discovers Willoughby wants her back. She promptly tells him to get lost and goes back to Colonel Brandon, who has received treatment for his schizophrenia and they all live happily ever after, with Harry as their surrogate son. and they go everywhere in their very attractive flying Ford Anglia

July 31, 2002

Private Lives of the Benefactors: Elyot, Amanda, Sybil, Victor, David, Jane, Colin, and Sheila fly to Chicago as guests of the Oprah Winfrey Show, where they participate in Dr. Phil's seminar, Codependent No More!. Upon return to London, they each decide to live alone. Unfortunately they each purchase rehabs on Basuto Road, driving real estate prices up and end up as neighbors anyway.

12 June 2002

From Julia:

A Truly Mad Winter's Quest: When Nina Mitchell's "live lover" starts an affair with her promiscuous friend Maura, she decides to have an affair of her own. Her plan works a little too well, however, and she falls in love with American TV star, Alexander Dane. (What is with Nina and bald men?) To avoid the quote-happy fans of Dane's TV character, Dr. Lazarus--not to mention the never ending sci-fi conventions--the couple move to a small (and very cold) fishing village on the coast of Scotland. There, while Alexander tries to reignite his career as a Shakespearean actor by pitching a tent outside Menzies bakery ("Blow, blow thou winter wind!"), Nina becomes fascinated with a familiar-looking stranger, who tips his hat to her in the street every day
... Alternate blurb for same title: Jamie the ghost moves to a small Scottish village, where he won't look quite so ridiculous wearing a hundred layers to keep warm. He makes friends with the deceased husband of a certain prickly-haired woman, and they amuse themselves by making mysterious noises that stifle the sex lives of not a few villagers.
Just thought of another one: Madly Under Prince Raz (a musical): Both deceased, Jamie and Grigory Rasputin make ghostly music together. Unfortunately, their landlord in the afterlife, the Sheriff of Nottingham, sends in his best goon--Eliot Marsden of Australia, because he "can't concentrate with all this racket". When Rasputin's love of power (and fear of guns) makes him betray Jamie to the Sheriff, the ghostly cellist has no option but to sing for his supper!
And another one: a rather cynically political one, in fact. When a certain writer of children's books accuses The Government of abuse, Lukas Hart III is called in to put a new spin on things to the media. With the help of a little "animal magnetism", and some catchy songs, the public is seduced into submission. Rated "R" for Rickman.

April 29, 2002

From Daphna,
Help! I'm a dark hard potter Wild Severus Weinberg took off all his clothes (even the cloak) and jumped into the cold ocean. There he turned into a big lobster and was locked in a cage by the evil Joe Gruber the fish, who said calmly: "Give me the recepy to the potion! I' m going to count to three, there will not be a four!".
"Let me cook you a delicious dinner first, then you can kill me!"
"OK" said Joe, and opened the cage.
Severus cooked a superb meal, he was a Master after all. When Joe finished eating he got sick, "I probably ate some bad clams..." and dropped dead

April 24, 2002

From H.,
Dark Dogma, Rasputin:
The angel Metatron comes to Rasputin to tell him that his "visions" have been the result of certain semi-poisonous mushrooms he has been eating.

The Winter Guest Closes My Eyes to Sense and Sensibility:
Marion's mother comes to visit and provides Col. Brandon with some disturbing information on her long lost, but now found son, Willoughby.

The January Man, a Winter Guest:
Ed, uninspired by New York, seeks his fortune in a small town in Scotland. He finds love and inspiration when he meets a short-haired photographer. Together they set up a very successful gallery of local paintings and photography.

Rasputin, Down Under:
The monk discovers Fosters

March 16, 2002,

From Trisha,
Kiss My Dark Eyes: Alexis Senior pulls strings and has David Friedman come to interrogate David Weinberg and "The Young Man" about their role in her daughter's death. They refuse to answer his questions, even when he threatens them with a golf club (although Weinberg goes ballistic after the detective drops a cigarette butt on the floor). Feeling the need to "lie low", they travel to Connecticut where Sinclair Bryant is thrilled to hire them on as chefs.
By the way, I have attached a copy of the application form:

The Sinclair Bryant Domestic Help Application Form
Thank you for applying for a job in my household. Here’s just a very short questionnaire for you to fill out to assess your employment potential.
1. Are you a blood relative of my wife, Natalie Bryant?
____Yes. If you’ve checked this box, thank you for your interest, but I am afraid you are not a suitable candidate.
____No. If you’ve checked this box, please proceed to question 2
2. What are your general feelings regarding incest?
____For it. If you’ve checked this box, thank you for your interest, but I am afraid you are not a suitable candidate
____Against it. If you’ve checked this box, please proceed to question 3
3. Are you capable of performing the following basic job duties: Shopping, cooking, cleaning, answering the phone, listening in on my wife’s conversations, monitoring her appointments, checking the odometer on her car, and calling all hotels within a 50 mile radius and asking if she’s there?
____No. If you’ve checked this box, thank you for your interest, but I am afraid you are not a suitable candidate
____Yes. If you’ve checked this box, please proceed to question 4
4. What is the proper response if I’ve announced I’m on a diet and five minutes later I come into the kitchen looking for something to eat?
____"I thought you were on a diet". If you’ve checked this box, thank you for your interest, but I am afraid you are not a suitable candidate
____"There’s some carrot sticks in the refrigerator." If you’ve checked this box, thank you for your interest, but I am afraid you are not a suitable candidate.
____"Oh, good, I saved you a bit of pudding and may I recommend a nice wine to go with those lychees?" If you’ve checked this box, please proceed to question 5
5. Can you repair a washing-up machine? ____No. If you’ve checked this box, thank you for your interest, but I am afraid you are not a suitable candidate
____Yes. Congratulations, you’re hired! By the way, do you read Proust in French?

February 28, 2002

Three From Trisha:
1) Dark Sense and Mesmer-bility: Mary Anne gets struck by lightning (since she stubbornly refuses to stop walking in the rain), loses her sight and is unable to play her pianoforte. A distraught Colonel Brandon begs Dr. Mesmer to come to England to cure his wife. Mary Anne falls in love with her physician, literally blind as to the obvious affection growing between the two handsome men. They take her out for a picnic, but fail to convince her to eat the poisoned mushrooms. She also declines to stand in a tub of water holding onto an electrified metal pole. They are forced to try Dr. Mesmer's sure-fire blindness cure, which is to bash her head repeatedly against a very solid object. After her funeral, Colonel Brandon announces he and the doctor are going back to India to open a clinic there. Eleanor, (really peeved by now that she married that wimpy Edward and let her sister have the Colonel), makes the rest of the family pack up and move to a extremely cold village in Scotland.

2) Truly Die Hard Thieves: John and Holly return home only to find that Hans' ghost is now haunting their house. He makes Holly fall in love with him by playing the cello for her and singing "Sun Ain' Gonna Shine Anymore". He keeps singing "Happy Trails" to John until he goes insane and kills himself by cutting his own heart out...with a spoon.

And, one which needs no further explanation:

3) Robin Hood: An Awfully Big BlowHard

January 22, 2001

From Susan:
The Return of Rasputin The wild man of Russia turns up on the heath to complicate everyone's lives. He counsels Mrs. Yeobright, on her PRIDEFUL attitude, tries to breathe some spirit into Tamsin and converts Eustacia to his philosophy. As a result, he ends up a little too close to the bonfires on Rain Barrow the following November, courtesy of Wildeve and Clym.

From Panda Boo:
The January Dogma Returning home from a trip to the local 'Dunkin' Donuts', Ed, the painter is visited by the Metatron who tells him he must stop painting nudes and their . . . ahem, kitties, or he'll go blind. He moves to a garage apartment in New Jersey and spends the rest of his life doing paintings of large birds and staring at the stars in the night skies hoping for a heavenly re-visitation
Harry Potter's Dark Dogma The Metatron travels back in time to visit the Sheriff of Nottingham to try and stop him from worshipping the Dark Lord. One of the Sheriff's descendants (remember Miss 10:45?) turns out to be Harry Potter who must not enter Slytherin House at Hogwarts because he will become the greatest dark sorcerer to ever walk the earth
The Search For An American Express Card An English businessman is dismayed after his cyber identity has been blown when he orders an alarm clock from a mail order catalog. He slices up all his credit cards, gives away all his modern inventions and becomes a Luddite.
Tubular Tango The CD that contains music you could've sworn was in Rickman flicks--such as Rasputin's Red ShirtRag, Arsenic and Bullets, and The Best Things in Life Are Cheap Beef, Fine Madeira and Gypsy Prostitutes; An Awfully Big Adventures’ Your Daddy’s Home; Close My Eyes’ Cuckold’s Picnic; Mesmer's I Can See Clearly Now; Murder, Obliquely’s If Dwight Don't Get Ya, The Second-Hand Smoke Will and Nicotine Martini. And from his first effort — Die Hard --The Twinkie Defense and the love theme , Sayonara Hans.

January 6, 2001
The Preacher In Demand: Suicidal French revolutionary cleric and his dog get a new lease on life after a few dance lessons. Co-starring, written, and directed by Sally Potter

From Susan:
Blow Dry Dark Harbor: David Weinberg encourages "the boy" to go to cosmetology school after his Marilyn Monroe imitation flops at the mainland talent night contest. David then sets him up with a shop of his own. His first client is Lasker, who finally cements the long-awaited deal.

December 29:

From Cindie:
Close My Closet: Sinclair is arrested by the Interrogator and after being denied food for twenty minutes confesses to having too many clothes. He does, however, receive an apology letter when he donates his excess wardrobe to the larger mechanism.

December 27:

From Nancy R.:
Robin Hood, Die Hard: Movie audiences force director to shoot new film in which the Sheriff weds Maid Marian while Robin Hood falls out of a window.
Smiley's People in Demand: End of the Cold War finds group of British spy-masters retraining as petrol-station attendants.
Close My Harbor: Wealthy man strips wife of docking privileges when he learns she's been having a torrid affair with her brother.
Guest Quest: Scottish woman and her mother fly into outer space as guests of quirky, lovable aliens; defeat villain by rubbing Deep Heat on itsgenitals.
Truly, Madly, Awfully: Troupe of actors who've seen better days try to stage "Peter Pan" in a theater haunted by a grumpy ghost who keeps moving the props around.
Rasputin & Sensibility: Mad monk reads Jane Austen, learns virtues of forebearance and a clean shave.
Help! I'm Tubular! Middle-aged actor with deep, sexy voice suddenly finds himself talking like a Valley Girl.

Posted on Dec 22:

A Little Like Rope: (audio tape) Italian immigrant plots revenge on her unfaithful husband after meeting two college students at a party.

From MA
Rickman Hood, Prince of Thieves: Dashing outlaw actor effortlessly steals every film in which he appears.

From M
An Awfully Big Dogma: Metatron becomes mortal and fully equipped, gives up drinking, arrives in Liverpool, and joins a troupe of unemployed actors that start an adult-movie production business. Directed by Paul Thomas Anderson.
As You Like Romeo and Cleopatra: Jaques, an existentialist hermit, moves to Alexandria and becomes entangled in a triangular relationship between two Italian men (an obessive teenager from Verona, and a middle-aged Roman) and an Egyptian queen. Directed by Peter Lynch.

Received on Dec 21:

From Barb:
Mesmer Down Under The Austrian doctor flees to the Australian outback, learning to combine his talents with the aborigine Dreamtime.
Rasputin Kiss A Russian monk investigates a peculiar murder in New Orleans and solves the case after seeing a vision from the Virgin Mary

From Kari:
The Search for Robin Hood Prince of Thieves (but, honestly, who really wants to find him?)
Help! I'm Quigley! Enough said
Bob Roberts Down Under: The singing bus tour heads to Australia where they feud with a wealthy, and handsome!, landowner
Mesmer: Blow Dry: Mesmer visits the salon to have his lovely locks coiffed by gay hairdresser
The Winter Galaxy Quest In order to avoid visit from mother, widowed woman takes to the skies in spaceship
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Awfully Big ClosetLand Poor Harry doesn't know what he's in for

From MA:
MeaS&Sure for MeaS&Sure: Working quietly behind the scenes, Colonel "Duke" Brandon of Vienna thwarts the plans of the wicked Willangelo and proves a force for good in the lives of Mariana Dashwood and her sister Isabelinor.

From M:
Truly, Madly, Busted Young translator cannot convince the police that the plants in her apartment were grown by her deceased lover and his ghost friends.

The first five were:

ClosetLand My Eyes: The Interrogator arrests Natalie and her brother for their "subversive" behaviour, and invites Sinclair to attend. "We're having one of our great barbecues. They're not to be missed! You must be there . . ." But he's very annoyed when Sinclair says, "Something tells me this is the end of The Party." With thanks to MA

Die Hard, Obliquely: Dwight strangles Annie after she refuses to open the door because she had Bruce Willis in the other room.

Rasputin's Barchester Chronicles: The Bishop's new assistant and Mrs. Proudie discuss (what else!) pride. Scandal ensues.

The Return of The Mesmer (TV series premiere): Austrian doctor moves to the heath and opens private practice; his first patient is a young man who paints himself red.

Tango at the End of The Winter Guest: Existential drama about an aging Japanese actor who dances the tango at Scottish BP stations on the coldest day of the year.

My heartfelt thanks to MA for the concept, and to all the contributors.