-February2003-


2.16.03
魅力

前も何度か日記にある人物の事についてキレモードのエントリーがある。　今日、友達と遊んだ。　楽しかった。　でも、チラっと一瞬だけ見ちゃった。　間違いなくやつだった。　そう、「ｋ」を偶然みかけたのだ。　こっちには気づいてなかったけど、ちょっとムカついた（笑）。　（普通に歩いてるだけなのに、かってにムカついてごめんなさい）　別の友達グループと遊んでた頃、色々な事があった８年間奴の事を知ってる。　奴がムカつく事をした時や気にさわるような事を言った時とかあったけど、すごく、異常に「変」になってきてからの３年くらい（もっとかも）長い長い目でみてきたけど、とうとう耐え切れず縁を切った。　ブチっとね（笑）。　はっきり言いたい事をガツンと言える時が来るまで、それはそれは長い時間がかかった。　

一度ガツンと言ってしまったら、もう今まで通りにはいかなくなるわけだから、ちゃんと考えた上で決意した。　もうこの人とは会えないって。　だからある日、ガツンとそいつに言いたい事を全部言った。　周りに友達もいた。皆も何度も注意したけど分からない人には本当に分からないんだろうなって思った。　どうせなら、自分もちゃんと言いたい事をぶつけたいって思った。　しかしあの時は本当にすっきりした。　

きっぱりと全部言えた。　今までいいたかった事を全部。　怒鳴ってないよ（笑）普通にサァ～っと言えた。　かまずにスラスラと言葉が出てきた。　自分でも驚いたなぁ。

友達も皆、唖然としてた。　"I've never seen you like that" って皆が言ってた。　そりゃそうだ。　言いたい事を普段あまり口に出して言わないし、　怒っても後味悪いし、怒る前に冷静になる事も大事。　あとで「怒らないでもすんだし、他の解決法もあっただろう」って反省するし、イライラする。　だから怒るのは嫌い。　前、すごい切れてた時、「ｋ」に凄い怒った時、「ｋ」は全く気づいてなかった。　あんだけ怒ってたのに、何で「ｋ」＆周りの友達は誰も気づかなかったんだ？　「こいつキレテル」て誰が見ても分かると思ってたののに（笑）。　あとから、友達に「そう、だから怒ってたんだよ」て言っても、「え？？怒ってたの？？？」て驚かれた。　

何でだろう。　

怒るのも疲れるから怒るのは嫌い。　ニコニコしてる方が周りも気持ちがいいし、自分もそのほうが気分がいいに決まってる。　でも自分が感じているイライラをどこにもぶつけない、ぶつけられないのも、ストレスたまるし、健康じゃない。　だからって嫌な事があっていちいちマジで怒るのも大人げないし、セルフコントロールを失いたくもない。　

で、なんでこんな話をしてるかって？　そう、「ｋ」を今日チラッとみかけて、色々考えた。　「ｋ」は私と縁を切る２年くらい前から皆で遊ぶ時（二人でなんて絶対に会いません。　一度ある事件があって、二人だけになった事もあったが、それはそれは嫌な体験だったー＿－；）あまり誘われなくなった。　なぜならば、皆の楽しい時間をぶち壊すように、態度が悪いし、私に色々自分の考え方を押し付けてくるからだ。　

「恵美ちゃんは前髪がこうなってるほうがいいと思うよ。」「恵美ちゃん髪伸ばしてるの？最近伸びてきてるじゃん。」　「恵美ちゃんはあまり明るい色の髪はぁ。。。」　あんたに「恵美ちゃん」呼ばれされたくないゼ。　あんたが言うと本当に気持ち悪い　（笑）　いやぁな寒気が。。。

私はあんたの為に髪型や髪の色を維持してるんじゃないんだよ。　友達としての素直なアドバイスや意見なら私だけじゃなくて、他の友達にも同じようにしないよ。　「今日はいつもしてる指輪してないんだね。」　は？　いちいちうるさいのだぁぁ。

ファイナルが終わってから皆で遊ぶ時とかは必ずって言っていい程やけに時間を気にする奴。　「恵美ちゃんファイナルが終わって疲れてるんじゃないの？　帰らなくて大丈夫？」

。。。。２０過ぎて人に寝る時間を指示されるほど子供じゃないし、　あんたにだけは言われたくない。

腹立つんだよ。　

ま、このように不愉快な気分を味わされる事が多い為、「ｋ」と共通の男友達も奴を誘うのはやめました。　男同士で遊んだりはしてたけど、（今はあまり会ってないらしいけどね）私がいる時は絶対だれも奴に電話しなかった。　私との事だけじゃなくて、　「ｋ」は頑固な人で、　自分勝手なのだ。　遊んでる「場の不陰気」をだいなしにする人。　誰もがそれに腹を立たせた。　女友達は皆あきれかえって何も言わない。　男達はあきれもしたけど、注意も（何度も）した。　かといって、 自分がしてることに何も悪気を感じることもなければ人の話をちゃんと聞こうともしない。

いつでも仲間と集まる事ができる環境にいるのに、誘われない。　そういう環境に自分を置くことで、仲間からの評価が分かる。　そりゃ色々と例外もあるけど、generally speaking 家も皆と近いのに全く誘いがない。　明らかに変だよね？（笑）　たとえ集まりによばれない場合でも「連絡可能なのに呼ばれなかった人」として自分の情報を知ることことができて、その情報を元に、人気を獲得するための努力ができる。　ただ、努力が実り人間関係が良好になっても、その状態が長く続くとは限らない。　自分の性格や行動の変化によって、仲間の不陰気も変わり続けるからだ。　他人に遅れまいと夢中で突っ走るだけじゃなくて、　止まる姿勢に気づくべきなんだと思う。　

「止まる」から見える世界、自分の状況があるはず。　「止まる」ことによって、自分の「足元」が見える。　「相手に好かれる為の努力をする」っていうことから人を見習うっていうこともあるかもしれないけど、　「自分はどう変わるか」「自分はどう生きるか」っていうことを知ることが、「自分自身をよく知る」なんじゃないかと思う。　相手に対して無理にあわせる生きたかは「自分を学ぶ」とはいえない。　だから、「ｋ」は私達に合わせなきゃいけないんじゃなくて、ただたんに、「合わない」んだよ。　だから、はっきり縁きってせいせいしてる。　ばったり会えば挨拶はするけど、それ以上話すことはないし、話したくない。



2.15.03
Freakin' Aye

One of my group members is sooo' pissin' the $hit outta me
*phew* I said it..

I guess I'm supposed to feel a lot better now*

Even better, if I could say it out loud to her. lol.

Merry fu**in' Valentine's Day to one of my group members.... who keeps complaining about having to do school work on a "valentine's day weekend." snap out of it.. ur in school... and besides there IS no "valentine's day WEEKEND".. it's just a matter of coincidence that this year's valentine's day happened to fall on a Friday. Why do people take Valentine's day sooooo seriously? If you must need the dozen red roses, box full of fattening chocolates, and a gorgeous "special something", and the WHOLE WEEKEND to prove/and to be proved the love to/from your partner, you are nothing but a materialistic selfish "need the goodies to feel the love"- boring person.

Not to be mean, but I think most people can agree to that. Right? If you're worried that you're "too busy" and afraid your bf/gf is gonna get all mad and then leave you, that's sad too. Wouldn't you hope that whoever you're dating is not some typical materialistic-high-maintenance kinda person?

If you have a reason to why you can't spend "the special day" with that person, he/she who really knows what you're going thru, would understand where you stand right now, and wouldn't have much problem even if you couldn't spend a special so-called "valentine's day" with him/her.

Expect the least, and hope for the best.
If you see some kind of a sign, even the tiniest sign that he/she is taking this "valentine's day" thing into consideration by doing the tiniest thing a little different than usual, I think that's enuf to see that he/she does care. Most cases, it's usually the girls that gets all excited over valentine's day. And a lot of times, guys think girls are all like that. But, a lot of girls, not-the-materialistic-type girls (my friends and myself included), don't take valentine's day that seriously. It's not like our life depends on this one day.... garsh. But we have to admit if we're with someone around valentine's day, we do get a bit excited, but you have to keep in mind there are different levels of "excitement." We just wanna share the fun and have a good time together. And, plus it's not just the girls that get excited. Some people even take the whole day off work, or get out early because it's valentine's day. How stupid. That's just stewwwwwpid. If you have to work late (which does suck lol), then work (I did that last year kaka). If you have class, go. If your "significant other" doesn't understand, he/she's selfish. Wouldn't have a gf/bf nagging because you have to work be annoying? If you're so busy, at least give 'em a call to say "happy valentine's day" and make up for it (if you must) another day.

... Guys are more simple-minded (no offense.. none taken? great*), and don't really bother going all out over "valentine's day". Even tho they aren't the type that don't really care about valentine's day, a simple hug and "happy valentine's day" might just do the job, right? It's all just the matter of self-esteem.

So back to where I started,.... yeah... this girl in my group...

this girl doesn't understand. If her boyfriend or whatever he is, is gonna get cocky, for her not being able to spend the whole weekend with him, I should suggest that she gets him an "insecurity blanket" just so that he can feel a bit warmer when she's not around kakahead.

This weekend is practically THE only weekend we have to get together before out presentation.. cuz people work and have school on weekenday.. PEOPLE HAVE more important priorities than to forget about everything you have to do just because you gotta spend the whole weekend together and go on a trip. And besides, it's President's Day that's why Monday's a Holiday.. not cuz of Valentine's day.. you brain-full-of-nothing-but-chocolate punk.

Yeah, sorry you can't go on a trip, but if you wanna blame someone, blame the teacher who assigned it, k? And don't get all psycho cuz I'm the group leader (yeah, why me in the first place? lol) and I'm planning to get together Sunday or Monday.Why the heck is she in our group anyway? I guess she had no other group to go to, so the teacher placed her on my list... Other group members have problem working with her, cuz she has the *pRinCeSs DisEaSe*

Princess Disease: I'm the best
If you don't understand my feelings, you are simply a cocky person and plus ur selfish.
Listen to meeh and only meeh
Lick my toes (yuck!)
I am the rule-book

Get it? she's just like this.

That's You!!!!!!! Jane!!

Wanna know WHY I didn't plan this group work on Monday? Cuz I know peeps like YOU'd be freakin' procrastinating and would be busy with other classwork and would start crying saying "I have no time." Well, Bullshit!! That's why I planned it on Sunday. And simply, I'd rather be a strict bitch than to get a bad grade over some lil whiney bitch who didn't wanna cooperate for a Group Project that counts 40% for our grade... *phew* If we need to kick her out, we will. I've done it before in another class to a girl just like Jane. Nobody deserves to put up with a "the-world-revolves-around-me" person. I feel a lot better now. *smiles*

So, which would you prefer?
A: A big long meaningful hug.
B: A dozen roses everyday that lacks meaning.

Anywayz, Happy (Belated) Valentine's Day. (^-^)



2.11.03
God is watching us

Recently, I wrote about the day where I had to sing "Happy Birthday" solo. Well, today's episode is sorta like a continuation of it... sorta...

On Tuesdays, there's three waiter/waitresses serving the dining area (and one for sushi-bar). K, H, D, and I come to work at 5:00, 5:15, 5:30, and 6:00 respectively, each having different things to do before/during the restaurant opens. Well, K ("The waiter), H, and I work the dining area, and take turns on who goes first, second, and third, when customers take seats in the dining area. This way, we can't fuss about who wants to / doesn't want to serve which customers. Taking turns is just the easiest way to go.

Well, this means K serves the party that walks in first, fourth, seventh, tenth, and so on.. right?

Business was so slow today. More people came, and D took them to their table. He came back sorta smiling, and asked me, "emiko, who's turn is it next?", and I told him, "it's K-san's turn", and he started to laugh hysterically.

D: It's a birthday party
E: HAHAHAHAHA
REVENGE!!

D: This is gonna be fun

We both look at K and give him the evil grin.

Few minutes later, D comes back and laughs again. I ask him what's so funny.

D: "The guy at table-9 .. it's his birthday too"

I looked over to see who's serving that table... "THE WAITER" (K)... hahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahaha

He HAS to sing.. he's their server.

But when the time came and we had to go sing (sigh), the rest of us couldn't just watch and not sing right? Cuz that's just mean. So we sang.



2.10.03
err..

I got out of the shower and checked my phone.

MISSED CALL

1 MESSAGE RECEIVED

It feels weird when a friendly co-worker calls u out of nowhere to ask, "If you don't have any plans this Friday, I was thinking maybe we can go get dinner or something."

HuH?

I call him back to tell him that I already had plans. He said it was cool and that we can hang out another time.

But I thought I've told him "I'm busy that day" or "I already have something planned" other times he asked to go out for dinner.



2.09.03
Folk Tale

昔、昔、あるところに「エミゴン」という名のそれはそれは大変ボケたお婆さんがいました。　エミゴンは毎朝、川へ行き、ペコという犬とたわむれながら洗濯をしていたのです。　お昼の時間になると少し宿題をして、一段落しては一つ峠を越したとこにある「にじや」という市場へ買い物をしに行くのです。　そこでさすが「天然」と周りから言われるだけあって、せっかく買い物のリストをつくったのに、それを忘れてしまうのです。　ツルんツルんの小さい脳みそで、一生懸命思い出しては肉を買い、野菜を買い。。。

しかし、そんなヌケテルはエミゴンでもやる時は、やるのです（笑）。　また峠を越え、自分の家に帰り、買い忘れた物を思い出し腹をたたせては、洗濯物を取り込み、少しふっくらさせる為に乾燥機にかけ、皆の服を畳むのです。　その次に、愛犬ぺこを村を１周散歩させ、疲れはてて帰ってきます。　村のお婆さん達と遊びに行くときもあるので晩御飯を作らない時もあるのです。　しかし、そんな時に弟からの電報が届くのです：「今日の晩御飯なに？いま畑仕事が終わったから帰るだよ」と。　そういう時はもの凄い罪悪感を感じながら「今日は作らなかったダニ」と言って、フィーリングギルティーなまま１日過ごすのです。　「そんなのはもう嫌！」と思ったエミゴン、昨日は散歩から帰ってきてすぐ（隣町まで仕事に行くまでの間）夕飯を作り始めたのです。肉じゃがなど。　冷めても美味しいし、残ったら明日の昼にでも。。。という事で、せっせと作ったのです。「これでいつ弟やお姉ちゃんが帰ってきても何か食べるものはあるだろう。えへん」（＾−＾）と思ったエミゴン、ちょっと自分でも嬉しい気分だったりもした。　さぁ〜て、仕事から帰ってきてテーブルの上を見ると、自分が何時間か前によういしておいた食器＆肉じゃが達がそっくりそのまま綺麗に並べてあるではないか！！

「ペコの散歩はもう行ったよ。　ご飯もあげたから。　肉じゃが作ってあるから、温めて食べてね。」という健気（爆）なメモも誰も読む事なく寂しそうに床に落ちてました。（爆）

最悪。　エミゴンは、「忙しい思いしながら作ったのにと一人で投げやりな態度で２階へ上がって、風呂に入ってちょっと半べそで寝たのです。♪めでたし、めでたし（？）♪



2.05.03
Rice Crackers

I'm taking a classical Japanese class right now. We do things like translating things like Hojoki, Genji Monogatari, Tsurezure-gusa, etc. We had our first test last week, and more than half of the class scored below a "C". There's only about 20 people in the class, cuz there's a bunch of classes you gotta take before taking this class.

Well, the professor's not Japanese, but his Japanese is pretty much fluent. He was passing back the papers:

"I'm very disappointed in this class with the exception of few people. This is UNACCEPTABLE... This is an advanced course, and I don't think many of you really deserve to even be in this class..." and all of the sudden blurted out,

"Honmani....." ("really" in Osaka-dialect)

The atmosphere of the classroom suddenly changed. People wanted to laugh, but couldn't... cuz he's really mad LOL.

HAHAHAHAHAHA.

Professor: "If you scored below an 90 on this test, you must see me during my office hours, because this test was not meant to be difficult. If you scored below 70, you may consider dropping this course, because I don't have time to explain elementary questions in this class."

Classroom reaction: scared

and he blurted again, "mou... honmani.." (gawwd, really)

Classroom reaction: just wanna laugh so hard.

HAHAHAHAHAHA

The whole class decided to go see him together cuz when you're together, it's not as scary. Well, luckily I did well on the test and me and this other guy didn't have to go.

Today after class, the class was talking about their visit to his office hours. The professor handed out osenbei (rice crackers) to them and told them to cheer up and to do well on the next test. funny teacher.


2.01.03
Humiliation

I waitress. Right now, I work on Tuesdays and Saturdays. On weekedays, we have 4 servers + bus boy. And when people tell us that it's their birthday, we sing them a happy birthday song and we bring them oranges and ice cream of their choice w/ a candle on it. And.... so... this little girl "emily" happened to be sitting at the table I was serving. So I get the whole birthday stuff ready and put the light on the candle. Us four are supposed to go together and sing to the "birthday girl/boy".

But.... it got busy all of the sudden... everything... bad timing an' all. And we can't just leave those customers hanging around and sing right? But we can't ignore the birthday thingy either cuz we have to get it over with (lol), the ice cream's gonna melt, and plus the candle's burning... and we can't keep putting it off..... we have to do it.

So, waiter#1 goes and help the customers, and then the phone rigngs... So waitress #1 goes answer the phone. So, who's left? Me (cuz of course it's my table), and waiter #2, and bus-boy. Not to be mean, but bus boy simply doesn't count. LOL. Why? Because he might start singing Feliz Navidad by mistake HAHAHAHAHA no, j/k... How often do you see bus-boys come singing for you when you're at a restaurant? HAHAHAHAHA.. anywayz, he doesn't count.. just because. Well, he goes to the cashier and fixes the light so it's a little more dim when we sing the song.. it looks nicer I guess.

So, I'm like "let's go", and start singing while holding the ice cream plate in my hands. I can only hear my voice. Plus I have a cold and my voice is like... yucky... So I stop singing and turn back and look at the other waiter who's supposed to sing with me. He's laughing. Sucker tried to make me sing alone.

emiko: C'mon we gotta sing together
waiter: HAHAHAHA sorry sorry, I will.
emiko: you better~~~
waiter: hahahaha
emiko: (starts singing) Happy Bir.....
waiter: (silence is golden)
emiko: (stops again and turns back)
waiter: (trying so hard not to laugh)
emiko: ............... we have to do this...
waiter: sorry sorry, i'll sing.
emiko+waiter: Happy Birthday to you~ (as we walk w/ ice cream stuff in our hands)

Then he stopped singing!!!!!

I've taken too many steps into where the customers are, that it's just too late for me to stop and turn around....

The waiter didn't sing... He set me up!!!!!!!!!! Again!!!!!!!!!

Remember, I have a cold and it's really hard to sing... Emily (the birthday girl) didn't even know I was singing until I was right in front of her table LOL. How friggin' sad is that?

Towards the last part "happy birthday~ to ~~ you~~~", the other waiter came and sang... woohoo like that really helps.

I went back into the kitchen humiliated. It was soooo embarrassing. Bus-boy asks, "emiko, you like singing solo? hehe"

Dude, just leave me alone.....

emiko: OMG, why didn't you sing????
waiter: I wanted to hear you sing solo. hahahahaha
other waiter/waitress: That's so messed up...
waiter: hahaha i know. Next time I'll do that "shoobi dooba" thing and snap my fingers while emiko sings.

Awww hell naaaaw...



Something I wrote in the past: An Inspiration