These are things I find amusing. I wanted to put them in one place so I could find them easily. I hope you enjoy them! -- Elise


Religion - Baseball
Religion - Toys
Religion - Stuff
Religion - Stuff - Extended Version
Political Definitions
Excerpts From Exam Papers....Hard To Believe
Oxymorons
Riddle

Comparison of Religious Theory in the Late 20th Century

Baseball Version

Calvinists believe the game is fixed.
Lutherans believe they can't win, but trust the Scorekeeper.
Quakers won't swing.
Unitarians can catch anything.
Amish walk a lot.
Pagans sacrifice.
Jehovah's Witnesses are thrown out often.
Televangelists get caught stealing.
Episcopalians pass the plate.
Evangelicals make effective pitches.
Fundamentalists balk.
Mormons are in left field.
Dunkers are down by three.
Adventists have a seventh-inning stretch.
Atheists refuse to have an Umpire.
Baptists want to play hardball.
Premillenialists expect the game to be called soon on account of darkness.
The Pope claims never to have committed an error.


Toy Version

• Capitalism - He who dies with the most toys, wins.
• Hari Krishna - He who plays with the most toys, wins.
• Catholicism - He who denies himself the most toys, wins.
• Anglican - They were our toys first.
• Greek Orthodox - No, they were OURS first.
• Branch Davidians - He who dies playing with the biggest toys, wins.
• Atheism - There is no toy maker.
• Polytheism - There are many toy makers.
• Evolutionism - The toys made themselves.
• Church of Christ, Scientist - We are the toys.
• Communism - Everyone gets the same number of toys, and you go straight to hell if we catch you selling yours.
• B'Hai - All toys are just fine with us.
• Amish - Toys with batteries are surely a sin.
• Taoism - The doll is as important as the dumptruck.
• Mormonism - Every boy can have as many toys as he wants.
• Voodoo - Let me borrow that doll for a second.
• Hedonism - To heck with the rule book!? Let's play!
• Hinduism - He who plays with bags of plastic farm animals, loses.
• 7th Day Adventist - He who plays with his toys on Saturday, loses.
• Baptist - Once played, always played.
• Jehovah's Witnesses - He who sells the most toys door-to-door, wins.
• Pentecostalism - He whose toys can talk, wins.
• Existentialism - Toys are a figment of your imagination.
• Confucianism - Once a toy is dipped in the water, it is no longer dry.
• Non-denominationalism - We don't care where the toys came from, let's just play with them.
• Agnosticism - It is not possible to know whether toys make a bit of difference.
• Christianity - He who knows it's more than a toy; it's a treasure, and it's real...!


Stuff Version (Original)

Taoism: Stuff Happens.
Confucianism: Confucius say: "Stuff Happens."
Buddhism: If stuff happens, is it really stuff?
Zen Buddhism: What is the sound of stuff happening?
Hinduism: This stuff happened before.
Hare Krishna: Stuff happens rama rama ding ding.
Islam: If stuff happens, it is the will of Allah.
Protestantism: Let stuff happen to someone else.
Catholicism: If stuff happens, you deserved it.
Judiasm: Why does stuff always happen to us?
Unitarianism: What is this stuff?
Pentacostalism: Praise the stuff!
Jehovah's Witness: *knock* *knock* "Stuff happens."
Mormonism: Stuff happens again and again and again.
New Age: Stuff happens and it happens to smell good.
Atheism: I don't believe this stuff.
Rastafarianism: Let's roll this stuff up and smoke it!
Satanism: We caused this stuff to happen.


“Stuff” Version (Extended re-mix)

Agnosticism: I don't know whether stuff happens or not.
Baha'i: Stuff happens to everyone equally.
Baptist: Gonna wash this stuff right outta my hair!
Branch Davidianism: This stuff really burns me up.
Calvinism: Stuff won't happen if you work harder.
Cartesianism: I think, therefore stuff happens.
Channeling: Now happening as Stuff.
Christian Science: Stuff only happens within your mind.
Church of England: Oddments transpire.
Druidism: Stuff happens in the woods.
Episcopalianism: Stuff happened to my ancestors.
Evangelism: Will you accept stuff happening in your heart?
Existentialism: What is the meaning of stuff, anyway?
Hedonism: There is nothing like good stuff happening.
Islam, Shi-ite: If Stuff happens, take a hostage.
Lutheranism: Here stuff happens; God help me, I can do no other.
Methodism: Stuff happens; support group available.
Moonies: Only happy stuff really happens.
Nihilism: No stuff!
Paganism: Earth, air, fire, water … stuff.
Presbyterianism: This stuff happens to be too dear.
Puritanism: Stuff happens with our permission.
Quaker: Get thy stuff together, Friend.
Rationalist: What is this stuff?
Scientology: Does stuff happen? (See page 469).
Seventh Day Adventism: No stuff happens on Saturdays.
Stoicism: This stuff happens to be good for me.
Televangelism: Send all your money or stuff will happen.
Transcendental Meditation: 7000 meditators make harmonious stuff happen.
Unitarianism: Stuff happens; discussion at 2:00 pm.
United Church of Canada: Let us all share equally in stuff happening.
Zoroastrianism: Stuff happens half the time.


Political Definitions

Feudalism - You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

Pure Socialism - You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all of them. The government gives you a glass of milk.

Bureaucratic Socialism - Your cows are taken care of by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took away from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulation says you should need.

Fascism - You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

Pure Communism - You share two cows with your neighbors. You and your neighbors bicker about who has the most "ability" and who has the most "need". Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk, and the cows drop dead of starvation.

Russian Communism - You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the black market.

Perestroika - You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the Mafia takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the "free" market.

Cambodian Communism - You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

Dictatorship - You have two cows. the government takes both, then drafts you.

Pure Democracy - You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

Representative Democracy - You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

Bureaucracy - You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

Capitalism - You don't have any cows. The bank won't lend you any money to buy cows because you don't have any cows.

Pure Capitalism - You have two cows. You sell one and buy a Bull.

Pure Anarchy - You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.

Surrealism - You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.


Excerpts From Exam Papers....Hard To Believe

Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards.
The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think.
The dodo is a bird that is almost decent by now.
To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put the cork in quick before the air can get back in.
The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation.
A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
The cuckoo bird does not lay his own eggs.
Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.
Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.
Geometry teaches us to bisex angles.
A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.
We believe that the reptiles came from the amphibians by spontaneous generation and study of rocks.
English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil his corpse.
By self-pollination, the farmer may get a flock of long-haired sheep.
If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.
Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
A person should take a bath once in the summer, and not quite so often in the winter.
The hookworm larvae enters the human body through the soul.
It is a well-known fact that a deceased body harms the mind.
Humans are more intelligent than beasts because the human brains have more convulsions.
For fainting: rub the person's chest, or if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead.
For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth.
For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.
For nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body.
For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration.
To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.
For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.
Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.
When water freezes you can walk on it. That is what Christ did long ago in wintertime.
When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.


Top 45 Oxymorons...

45. Act naturally
44. Found missing
43. Resident alien
42. Advanced BASIC
41. Genuine imitation
40. Airline food
39. Good grief
38. Same difference
37. Almost exactly
36. Government organization
35. Sanitary landfill
34. Alone together
33. Legally drunk
32. Silent scream
31. British fashion
30. Living dead
29. Small crowd
28. Business ethics
27. Soft rock
26. Military intelligence
25. Software documentation
24. Extinct life
23. Sweet sorrow
22. Childproof
21. "Now, then..."
20. Synthetic natural gas
19. Passive aggression
18. Taped live
17. Clearly misunderstood
16. Peace force
15. New classic
14. Temporary tax increase
13. Plastic glasses
12. Terribly pleased
11. Computer security
10. Political science
9. Tight slacks
8. Definite maybe
7. Pretty ugly
6. Twelve-ounce pound cake
5. Diet ice cream
4. Rap music
3. Working vacation
2. Exact estimate

And the NUMBER ONE Top Oxy-Moron
1. Microsoft Works


RIDDLE:

When asked this riddle, 80% of kindergarten students got the answer, compared to 17% of Standford University seniors.

What is greater than God,
More evil than the devil,
The poor have it,
The rich need it,
And if you eat it, you'll die?
What is it?

Nothing is the answer.

Nothing is greater than God.
Nothing is more evil than the devil.
The poor have Nothing.
The rich need Nothing.
If you eat Nothing you will die.