SYMPTOMS : FAULT : SOLUTION
Feet wet and cold : Glass being held at wrong angle : Rotate glass so that the opening points toward ceiling
Feet warm and wet : Improper bladder control : Stand next to the nearest dog complain about house training
Beer unusually pale and tasteless : Glass empty: Get someone to buy you Beer
Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights : You have fallen over backward : Have yourself leashed to the bar
Mouth contains cigarette butts : You have fallen forward : See above
Beer tasteless, front of shirt wet : Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face : Retire to restroom and practice
Floor blurred : You are looking through bottom of glass : Get someone to buy you beer
Floor moving : You are being carried out : Find out if you are being taken to another bar
Room seems unusually dark : Bar has closed : Confirm home address with bartender
Taxi suddenly takes on a colourful aspect and textures : Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitation : Cover mouth
Every one looks up at you and smiles : You are dancing on the table : Fall on somebody cushy looking
Beer is crystal clear : It’s water someone is trying to sober you up : Punch him
Don’t recognize anyone, don’t recognize the room : You’re at the wrong party, or you are at home : See if there is beer in the fridge
Your singing sounds distorted : The beer is too weak : Have more beer until your voice improves
Don’t remember the words to the song : Beer is just right : Play air guitar
