It was the time of the Fall festival and the table in Alcmene's cottage, now Jason's, was ringed with laughing people. Jason was there, of course, but so too were Xena, Gabrielle, Joxer, Autolycus, Iolaus, and Hercules.
"Hey, guys," Auto asked in a lull in the general good-natured din, " why didn't you invite Sal? I kinda miss the little flake. Tells a good story!"
"Yeah," Iolaus agreed from his place next to Hercules, "Sal missed his calling. He shoulda been a bard."
"Uh-uh," Herc disagreed, shaking his head emphatically and trying to talk around a mouthful of wine. Giving up, he swallowed and continued, "Salmoneous is one of the best merchants Zeus ever put breath in - unless Hermes did it first. The storytelling is just part of what makes him so good at it."
There was general agreement around the table on this.
"Anyway," Iolaus added, "We did try to invite him, but we couldn't find him, so Herc and I just left messages everywhere we could think of. Guess none of them reached him."
"Darned shame, though," Auto sighed.
At that moment the ears of the collected company picked up the jingling of a harness.
Hercules closed his eyes briefly. "I don't ask for much, Dad," he mumbled under his breath, "But please don't let that be a monster, or Iphicles deciding he needs me and Iolaus for that meeting after all or, worse still, Perseus!"
Herc opened his eyes to find himself the object of several bemused gazes and one heartfelt one - Jason's.
"Praise Zeus!" the former leader of the Argonauts added with feeling.
The door abruptly swung open to reveal Sal's plump figure struggling with a large basket of apples that appeared to be stuck in the doorframe.
Herc immediately hopped up to help. "Here, Salmoneous, let me take those," he offered in his usual mild tone. Nobody expected Sal's reaction, least of all the demi-god, who staggered back, hands flying to protect his eardrums from Sal's ringing shriek. The basket came loose and the apples went flying straight up to rain down over the heads of the group at the table.
"Impressive," Xena commented dryly. "You've got range, I'll give you that, but you need to work on your delivery."
"H-H- Herc..." the rotund merchant gasped.
"Is he trying to say something or is he just hyper-ventilating?" Auto asked with real concern.
"A little of both, I think," Hercules replied, regarding Sal dubiously. He took a hesitant step forward, watching Sal's reaction intently.
"Hercules, you just scared the Tartarus out of me!" Sal scolded in a choked voice. "I didn't know you were here!"
"You know, Sal, if a guy invites you to dinner at his Dad's house, it's usually a good bet he's going to be there," Auto offered from under the table where he and Joxer were gathering apples.
Salmoneous favored the table with a dirty look then turned it on Hercules. "And I guess Iolaus is here, too?" he demanded.
"Sure!" Iolaus affirmed brightly from the direction of the side cabinet. He reached under it and produced two apples, holding up his prizes for all to see.
"So I see," Sal said sourly. "You two jokers must have run like the wind to pull this little prank off. Shame on you, Hercules!"
"Prank?" Herc repeated blankly. "What prank? What are you talking about?"
Still grumbling softly, the little salesman stooped, snatched up the now empty basket, and stormed over to the table, slamming it down with a crackling thump. Jason gratefully dumped his armload of apples inside while Sal spun, folded his arms across his chest, and regarded the fidgeting demi-god sternly.
"You know what prank. The 'let Salmoneous pass us on the road, then take the short-cut so we can get there first and scare him half to death' prank!"
"Hey!" Iolaus protested, dumping apples into the basket, then taking one out and polishing it on his vest before biting into it. "I'm innocent!" he went on in apple-scented tones.
"Pass us on the road?" Hercules queried quietly. "How long ago did you 'pass us on the road'?'
"Not more than ten minutes ago!"
"Now I know I'm innocent and I've got witnesses to prove it!" the blonde hunter exclaimed triumphantly.
"Yeah, Sal, it must have just been two guys who looked a little like the Dynamic Duo here," Auto said, picking through the apples. "What, you've been traveling all night to get here? Your vision's just blurred. You just need some sleep, man!" Auto slapped Sal on the back with his hand and a half-eaten apple. "Oops," the thief murmured, sidling away.
"I did not travel all night and there's nothing wrong with my eyesight! Not to mention that I called a greeting and you guys called back - and called me by name!" Sal sputtered.
Herc and Iolaus traded concerned glances, brows knit. "Shapeshifters!" they chorused.
"But how would a shapeshifter...." Herc began.
"Know Sal's name?" Iolaus finished. "Reconnaissance? Heard it around the marketplace? Hey, Jase, any strangers in town?"
"There wouldn't have to be, now would there?" the former king pointed out grimly.
"Yeah!" Iolaus smacked his forehead and grinned sheepishly at Jason. "Shapeshifter, right! Could be going around looking like me, or Herc, or Xena, or Gabrielle, or those twins from Corinth...." Iolaus' voice trailed off as he smiled nostalgically.
"Whatever," Herc waved Iolaus' happy memories away briskly. "We had better go find them before they find us. If they're only ten minutes down the road it should be easy."
"Um, hate to bring this up, Big Guy, but..." Auto began.
"Sal's been here at least five minutes!" Joxer interrupted, earning a dirty look from the King of Thieves.
"They're right," Xena said, tossing her apple core over her shoulder into the pig-box in the corner. "I'm going with you. Just let me get my sword out of the bedroom."
"We'll just take a quick peek down the road," Herc offered, moving towards the door. Before he cold reach it, however, it swung open and the group suddenly found themselves with two Herculii.
"Oh, shit!" snarled the new Herc from the door.
"Language!" the original Hercules exclaimed, frowning. "There are ladies present - and Joxer!"
"Hey, Herc, you want to get out of the way already?" a very familiar tenor protested from the far side of the recent arrival. A head full of blonde curls popped up behind the other Herc's shoulder, as though their owner was standing on tip-toe to get a better view. It must not have worked, because seconds later the same blonde curls popped through the small space between the new Herc's waist and the doorframe. Bright blue eyes regarded the startled gathering. "Cool! Hi, everybody!" A hand appeared, waving cheerfully, which then poked the new Herc in the ribs and pointed at Iolaus.
"Look, another me! Hello, handsome!" The new Iolaus winked at his startled twin, then looked at Hercules. "Oohh, another you, too! Two of you! Wow!" The newcomer's eyes assumed a dreamy expression as he beamed up at Hercules.
"Another Iolaus!" exclaimed Auto. "That makes three!"
"Hear that, Big Guy? Three of me! Doesn't that sound like fun?!" the new Iolaus chirped.
The new Hercules assumed his own dreamy expression while his Iolaus wormed his way past his partner's hips into the room. Once free, he scanned the room quickly.
"Apples! I've been dying for an apple!" The new Iolaus took two steps before jerking to a halt.
"Leggo, Herc! I just wanna apple! " he protested, slapping vainly at his friend's hand, which was firmly fastened on his waistband.
"Uh-uh. How do we know they're not poisoned or something?" the new Herc growled.
The new Iolaus squirmed, unable to escape his partner's grip. "Oh, c'mon, don't be so paranoid!" he exclaimed, "It's pretty obvious we just got the wrong world again and I'm hungry!"
"You're always hungry," his Herc rumbled.
'Gods," Iolaus thought, disgusted, "am I that obnoxious?
'Gods,' Hercules thought, horrified, "Am I that obnoxious?"
""Um," Hercules cleared his throat and tried to think of something to say. "We were just celebrating the Fall Festival."
The two newcomers exchanged quick glances then shrugged in unison.
"Guess we've been gone a while?" the new Iolaus ventured, seeming unsure of himself for the first time.
"Gone where?" Iolaus asked practically.
"Blue swirly thing," the new Iolaus explained, illustrating with vague circular motions as he gazed hungrily over Iolaus' shoulder at the basket of apples. "Go through and suddenly you're somewhere loopy where Herc is a jerk."
"We fell through a doorway into another world where we met a creep who looks like me named the Sovereign," the new Hercules growled. His eyes narrowed as he gazed at Herc. "Heard of him?"
"Ares killed him," Iolaus stated flatly.
That got both the newcomers attention and his counter-part grinned widely. "Thank Ares!" he exclaimed gratefully.
"Huh," the new Herc grunted, seeming much less thrilled.
"Really, really, not a nice guy," the new Iolaus explained.
"We know," Hercules replied dryly.
The new Herc sighed, meeting Herc's eyes wearily. "We left. He wanted to...do things to Iolaus, and kill me." He didn't elaborate.
"Cept we got the wrong door or something," the new Iolaus continued. "Ended up taking on a minotaur. Then a chimera. Then some bandits. New world, new threat. Same old, same old."
"We thought we had the right world this time. Everything seemed right, even Salmoneous." The new Herc sighed again, shaking his head gloomily.
"Cheer up, Big Guy, we'll get home yet!" his Iolaus said, patting his arm. "In the meantime, we've got apples!"
"Will somebody pass the twerp an apple already?" Auto growled.
Hercules looked at his counterpart with amusement. "Don't you ever feed him?" he asked.
"All the time," the other Herc rumbled. "Between the eating and the calls of nature it's no wonder we haven't made it home." He cut his eyes over to his Iolaus.
"Hey!" the new Iolaus protested around a mouthful of apple. "Can I help it if demi-gods have bigger bladders?"
"And sleeping," Joxer offered helpfully. "You have to stop to sleep."
The newcomers exchanged quick glances again.
"We haven't been doing much of that lately," the new Herc groused.
His Iolaus sighed. "I promise, Grumpy Bear, as soon as we get home we'll take a nice, looong nap."
The new Herc grumbled something inaudible in response.
The new Iolaus pitched his apple core over Xena's head into the pig box and turned hopefully to Hercules
"Can I get one for Herc?" he asked.
Hercules blinked, then shook his head slightly as though to clear it. He glanced at Jason, who shrugged, indicating that he was leaving the next move to his stepson.
"Um, why don't you stay for dinner?" Hercules asked. "Maybe we can figure out some way to get you...home."
"Alright! Food! Apples!" the new Iolaus exclaimed joyfully, wriggling free of his Herc's grip and bounding into the room. By silent, mutual consent the company parted to give him a clear path to the apples. He plucked two out of the basket and tossed one over his shoulder towards the door in one fluid motion before circling the table, peering curiously around.
"Laid out the same as ours," he observed over his shoulder, pointing to various doors. "Kitchen, guest rooms, Mom & Jason's, and...ours?" he asked, tapping the door in question. "Yes," Hercules affirmed.
The new Iolaus grinned and stroked the door lovingly. "Lots of happy memories here, huh, Herc?" A mischievous gleam in his eyes, he suggested. "Maybe after dinner they'll let us borrow it?"
The new Herc snorted from the doorway. "I expect they'll be using it," he replied sourly.
The Herculii moved to opposite sides of the table, each in the center. Jason sat at the head as the householder. Iolaus dropped between Jason and Hercules and Auto copped the seat between him and Jason. With a shrug, the new Iolaus came to perch next to his Herc and Salmoneous took the seat between him and Jason. Xena jerked her chin and Joxer obediently wriggled into the seat next to the new Herc as Gabrielle shyly snuggled into the space left next to Hercules, which left Xena herself at the other end of the table, opposite Jason.
"I shouldn't be here. Hercules should be sitting in his mother's place," she thought, but the demi-god was fixated on his mirror image and making no move to change seats. She glanced up the table at Jason, who smiled back.
"Go ahead, Xena," Jason told her. He glanced at the enthralled Hercules with a smile. The former king had a distinct feeling this was going to be a long afternoon.
Iolaus studied his twin from across the table. He didn't look particularly tired as he eagerly picked among the various dishes, quickly filling a platter for himself and another for his partner. But there had been that comment from the other Herc about not getting much sleep lately, there was the other Herc's general grumpiness, and they had both come from a stint in the sovereign's world. Iolaus had only a vague idea what might have happened to these two there, but he had vivid and not-fond memories from his own little adventure there. Iolaus would have cheerfully gone to his next death rather than admit it, but he hadn't slept well for weeks after meeting the Sovereign. Tartarus, he hadn't slept at all for days afterwards, lying tense through the long nights, twitching abruptly alert each time he started to doze. Puzzled, he had laid awake, listening to Herc's snore from the other bed and wondering where his own legendary napping ability had vanished to. Then, one day, it had had become clear to him what was wrong. He was afraid to sleep, afraid that if he did he would awake as that other Iolaus, staring fearfully into a cruel and bearded face.
Sometimes Iolaus suspected that Herc could read his mind. That night, he had lain in his bed, mentally scolding himself for being so silly, when there had been a creak from across the room followed by a soft padding, a draft of cool air, and a sinking of his mattress accompanied by numerous protests from the bedframe. A warm body had snuggled against his back and a familiar voice had murmured in his ear, "Having trouble sleeping?"
"No!" he had answered, too quickly, he instantly realized.
"Me neither." A moment's silence, then, "Can I stay anyway?"
"Yes." Iolaus had breathed in the scents of leather, spice, and honeycake that filled the warm pocket of air beneath the covers and felt his lids droop. He had snuggled back against that broad chest as a stubbly chin had nestled against his neck. Strong arms had circled his ribs, warming him, and he had drifted off to sleep in moments, as easy as that.
Eau de Demi-god. Too bad Sal couldn't bottle that stuff. Best damned sleep-aid in the world.
"Pleasant memories or vivid imagination?" an all-too familiar voice asked.
Iolaus snapped out of his daze and found that he had been staring idly across the table at his twin, who was smiling roguishly back. Iolaus noticed for the first time that his counterpart's hair was a little longer than his own, and that the other wore two earrings, not one.
"Oh, I, um...." what had he been thinking about before getting sidetracked? Oh, yeah, this guy wanted a nap.
'This guy' had made remarkable inroads on that platter and was going back for seconds. At the rate he was stuffing it down, he was bound to be getting sleepy soon.
"If you want, you can borrow my bed for a couple of hours," Iolaus offered, leaving Herc's name out of it. After all, he couldn't go around offering what were, in effect, perfect strangers his friend's bed.
" 'My bed'?" the other echoed, cocking his head to one side, birdlike, bright eyes questioning. "You act as though there were more than one bed in there."
Iolaus blinked in surprise. "Well, of course there is, but the other's Herc's." he explained slowly.
The pair across the table exchanged puzzled glances. The other Herc asked, "Why bother to have two beds if you're only using one?"
Iolaus felt himself go very still. 'Am I the only one who caught that?' he wondered. He risked a glance over Herc then did a double take. Herc had stiffened, and he was blushing.
Ok, quick, who knew that he and Herc sometimes shared the same bed? Oh, gods, no one. Somehow, they never seemed to do it while traveling with Auto, Xena and company, or Jason. Oh-oh. Jason.
Iolaus glanced past Auto and gulped. Jason had frozen, spoon half-way to his mouth, and he was staring at Iolaus. They locked gazes then Jason smiled and winked before transferring his gaze to his plate.
Iolaus twitched in surprise. 'Did Jason just wink at me? Why did Jason just wink at me?!' That nervous little part of his brain babbled merrily along these lines while Iolaus fought to focus on his surroundings, fully aware that he was headed full-tilt towards a panic attack.
Heart pounding, Iolaus forced himself to give the others at the table a quick appraisal. Amazingly, Jason seemed to be only one who had heard the remark, as everybody else was acting perfectly normal, eating, gesturing, and chatting away. On second thought, not everybody. Auto had a distracted-yet-concentrated look on his face, but he wasn't looking their way at all. He seemed focused on Salmoneous.
'I don't believe it! I really don't!' the King of Thieves was thinking. 'After all the adventures we've had, all the times we've been camped in the boonies all alone - well, ok, not that many times, but still - and Sal waits until the middle of a party surrounded by everyone and then he makes pass at me!'
A few moments earlier, about the same time that Iolaus had been reflecting fondly on the soporific qualities of demi-god sweat, Auto had felt something nudge his ankle. Thinking that Iolaus or Jason was stretching their legs, Auto had pulled his feet back out of the way. Sal had just launched into a detailed account of his recent sales trip to Nubia and, knowing his audience, the various charms of the Nubian women. Auto didn't intend to miss a single word.
But something had interrupted his concentration, something that gently nudged his ankle again. Since he had already pulled his feet as far back as he comfortably could, Auto ignored this new assault and assumed the nudge would go away and leave him in peace. Peace was getting harder to find by the minute. Instead of going away, his ankle had been nudged again, then gently stroked, then what was undoubtedly a foot had slid up his calf, hooked behind his knee, and slid down, pulling his leg out. Now toes, very strong and agile toes at that, were circling and rubbing their way up his leg. They had passed the knee and reached his thigh, heading lazily for his...
Out of the corner of his eye Autolycus saw Iolaus giving him the damnedest look the thief had ever seen and he promptly assumed that Curly was wise to the score. Ooops!
"Sal!" Auto hissed as quietly as he could, "Stop that!" 'For now' he silently added.
Salmoneous surprised him by looking surprised, not guilty. The pleasant merchant stuttered in a hurt tone, "I'm sorry, my friend, if the story of my trip somehow offends you..."
"Not the story, Sal! The other thing! Stop doing the other thing!" Auto hissed desperately.
Matching action to word, Auto yanked his leg back just as the questing toe slipped behind his knee with the unforeseen result of the foot getting clamped between his thighs.
Sal stared across the table at the odd look that came over Auto's face as the table rocked. The visiting Iolaus abruptly vanished, sliding right out of his seat to land with a thump below the table.
THAT got everybody's attention.
A merry giggle erupted from the area of the new Iolaus' disappearance and the foot between Auto's legs gave a violent and determined wiggle. Auto let out a startled gasp that contained no pain, jerked back, and would have fallen if Jason and Iolaus hadn't both grabbed an arm and hauled him back up.
The visiting Iolaus reappeared, slipping from beneath the table with boneless and practiced ease. "Oops," he explained to his shocked audience, "Thought I had Jason. Sorry about that, Auto. Better luck next time!" He winked and giggled.
'Oh, great," Iolaus thought, suddenly completely calm. "My counterpart is a satyr. Just perfect."
Apparently the Gods disagreed, because the situation just got better.
"Stop horsing around," the new Hercules practically growled at his partner, who responded by slipping his right hand beneath the table, giggling once more.
'Ok, I got it now,' Iolaus closed his eyes briefly against the headache that was threatening to burst from his skull like Athena herself. 'These guys want to borrow the bed alright, but they don't intend to do any sleeping.' Glancing at the other Iolaus' suddenly intent expression, he mentally added 'At all. And I don't want to know what's going on beneath this table.'
Then Hercules, who had been so focused and fascinated by his counterpart that he had somehow missed the entire exchange, Hercules, Mr Tact & Descretion himself, went and opened his mouth.
"How do you know that Iolaus and I sleep together?" he asked clearly. VERY clearly.
'Thank you, Hercules,' Iolaus thought sourly, 'Sure you wouldn't like to repeat that a little louder? There's a guy on the far side of Athens who didn't quite catch it!'
The other Herc snorted. "Stands to reason," he replied, looking somewhat distracted. Maybe he was trying to remember where his left hand was.
'Bet I know,' Iolaus thought giddily. 'Explains my, er, his expression.' Iolaus' twin was wearing a dopey smile.
Hercules still didn't get it. "Stands to reason why?" he persisted.
The other Herc favored him with the kind of look usually reserved for particularly backwards children. "Stands to reason because Iolaus and I have shared the same bed since the Academy."
The Satyr, as Iolaus had mentally nicknamed his twin, giggled again. "Remember? By the second year Cheiron just plain gave up and had that little room built in at the end of the dorm. Said it wasn't that he wanted to encourage such behavior, but it was better than constantly flushing us outta the woods, the store-rooms and the barn!"
"I still can't believe you talked me into doing it in that tree," his Herc grumbled fondly.
'Did he say tree?!' Iolaus thought, eyes widening. Herc had been less, well, Herculean back then, but Iolaus just couldn't picture Herc and himself up in a damned tree (for Gods' sakes!) trying to... well, he just couldn't picture it. No way. Herc just wouldn't have been able to balance on a tree limb while they...Don't go there!' Iolaus warned himself sternly. 'Just. Don't. Go. There.' He found himself wondering if they still, just for old times sake...Don't go there, Stupid!'
His twin caught his eye and winked at him, a nostalgic mist in his eyes. Abruptly, those eyes glazed over and the hand holding his spoon dropped the utensil and clamped on his partner's upper arm just above the elbow, which was about all he could reach, given that the rest of the arm had vanished beneath the table several moments earlier. Iolaus had noticed this, but now the Satyr brought it to everyone's attention. Just in case somebody still missed what was going on, the he emitted a small, happy, whimper.
Auto stared at the pair across the table. 'I don't believe it,' he thought, eyes narrowing,' They can't be doing what I think they're doing!'
'I don't give a damn what happens, I am never, ever, going under a table again and I'm making damned sure to keep both hands in sight at all time, no matter what,' Iolaus swore mentally, closing his eyes while faithfully repeating his vow to himself. Therefore, he missed his twin's sudden stiffening, though he did hear the strangled gasp. His eyes sprang open in time to see the slow, smug, and highly satisfied smile spread across the other Iolaus' face.
'Oh, Gods,' Iolaus swore silently and risked a quick glance around. Xena and Gabby were smirking, Jason and Auto looked shocked, Joxer looked bewildered, and Sal was...beaming at the visiting pair like a doting mother?! What the?!
"If you kill an other-world version of yourself, does it count as family?' Iolaus worried. 'Shouldn't there be some sort of 'Embarrassment Escape Clause'? The Furies are reasonable women - I'm sure if I explain, they'll understand. I'm pretty sure I can get him alone behind the barn. Tartarus, if I give him a wink and a smile, he'll drag me back there!'
"Now will you behave yourself?" Grouchy Herc asked, leaning over and gently kissing his partner's forehead.
'That one, too,' Iolaus added grimly. ' Two for one deal on the embarrassing troublemakers. Maybe I'll even let Herc help.'
As Herc's name flitted through Iolaus' thoughts, he glanced at the figure next to him.
Oh boy. Herc wasn't blushing this time, he was blanching, rapidly approaching the shade of Joxer's shift. He was clearly in shock, his mind simply refusing to accept the sight in front of him.
Grumpy Herc looked at his twin, shrugging apologetically. "He's high maintenance, but he's worth it," he explained.
Hercules found his voice, or at least parts of it. "You,ah,... he,ah,...," the dazed demi-god pointed back and forth between the two visitors, "Um, you're..., ah,..."
'One little word, Herc,' Iolaus thought impatiently, 'C'mon, you can say it.'
Apparently he couldn't, as Herc settled on, "You and him?!", his voice noticeably rising as the idea sank in.
"Hey!" Iolaus protested indignantly, elbowing Herc in the ribs. "I'm not the Hydra over here!"
Herc shot him a reproachful look before returning his stare to his twin, who was staring right back.
Realization dawned and Grumpy Herc snorted in disbelief. "Don't tell me after twenty years you two haven't got past the snuggling stage?" he asked, amazed.
"Boy, they don't know what they're missing," 'his' Iolaus sighed happily, feeding him a slice of apple.
"Iolaus and I don't...We're not...We couldn't..." Hercules stuttered.
"Couldn't?" Grumpy Herc asked, eyebrows rising, "Why not?"
"He'd break!" Herc gasped.
"Huh?!" Iolaus felt his jaw drop. What?!
Grumpy Herc grumbled, "If he's so damn breakable why do I always end up with the bruises?"
"You wriggle around too much," his Iolaus informed him matter-of-factly.
"Wriggle?!" Herc squawked.
"Oh, yeah," the Satyr sighed.
Grumpy Herc smiled down on him fondly before turning his attention back to Hercules. "Trust me, he doesn't break," he said firmly.
"He would if I did that to him!" Herc protested.
Iolaus frowned at his partner. Just what was going through Herc's mind? The hunter thought he had a pretty good idea of what these two were up to, but Herc seemed to be imagining something quite...exotic.
"Nah, he's remarkably flexible," Grumpy Herc assured his twin.
Then again, maybe Herc was on the right track....
Any further comments on the flexibilty of Iolauii was interrupted by the fireball that whizzed through the window behind Xena. Everybody ducked and the fireball burst harmlessly against the back wall. A startled exchange of glances led to a mass exodus to the front door.
On the front lawn quite a scene was playing out. There, Herc's half-sister Artemis was exchanging potshots with her twin.
Well, not quite her twin. The second Artemis wasn't dressed in the leathers favored by Herc's sister and her face would have been gentler if it hadn't been contorted in anger.
"I want my Golden Hunter and I want him NOW!" she shrieked.
"Well, you can't have MINE!" screamed back 'their' Artemis.
"Ooops!" The alternate universe Iolaus wiggled his way through the block-up in the doorway and popped out onto the porch. He whistled shrilly and both goddesses turned towards him. Bouncing up on his toes, he waved madly. "Over here, Artie!" he called.
"It's about time!" The otherworld Artemis turned towards the dimensional doorway swirling behind her. "Hey, 'Dite, we found 'em!" she shouted.
She turned back towards the house, complaining, "We've been looking all over for you two. Where's Hercules?"
Artemis was staring at the Satyr and Iolaus, who had come up to stand next to him. "Two hunters?" she asked, bewildered.
"Just passing through," the Satyr explained with a giggle and a grin. "Got lost on our way home."
"Oh," the Huntress replied with a small sheepish shrug. She vanished.
"C'mon, c'mon," the other Artemis urged, " 'Dite's not strong enough to hang on all day and we need her to get home." The goddess indicated to glowing rope around her waist.
"Hey, Herc, C'mon!" the Satyr called.
The crowd around the door shuffled and parted to reveal the two Hercs hanging in the back, Grumpy Herc whispering intently into Herc's ear. The demi-god was flushing with intense embarrassment and staring at his twin with open shock.
"Try it, you'll like it. Remember, you don't break either," Grumpy suggested, gently patting Herc's arm before snatching up the sword his partner had left by the door and striding out to the waiting duo.
All three visitors waved cheerfully at the group on the porch. Grumpy Herc, noticeably more relaxed than he had been, draped an arm over 'his' Iolaus' shoulder. Who, in turn, wrapped a friendly arm around the Huntress' waist and they both giggled. The Huntress gave the glowing rope a sharp tug.
"Ok, 'Dite, heave!" she shouted as all three turned and leaped through the doorway. With a loud 'slurp' it swirled madly and collapsed in on itself and was gone."
"Well, that was... interesting," Jason remarked diplomatically.
"Huh-huh," Xena agreed.
"They were such a cute couple!" Sal gushed, causing the other members of the party to turn as one to stare at him. "What, you guys? They were!" he insisted, then added thoughtfully, "Maybe we should have given that Iolaus some apples to take with them?"
Iolaus remembered a curse he had heard in Chin which, in light of Jason's comment, finally made sense: 'May you live in interesting times'.
"Just so long as nothing else interesting happens for a looonng time," he prayed to whatever God or Goddess happened to be listening.
"Just, please, no more otherworld doorways!" Hercules added fervently.
So, of course, another promptly appeared in the exact same spot.
"Maybe that odd Iolaus is coming back for his apples?" Joxer asked innocently. Everybody ignored him.
The dimensional doorway convulsed and belched out a blue-clad figure who tumbled across the yard before slamming into the porch.
Iolaus had just enough time to wonder if Joxer could possibly be right before the figure sprang to its feet, banishing a sword while shaking hair out of its eyes. Very familiar blue eyes which locked onto Iolaus immediately.
'Oh, no,' the hunter thought in despair.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, meet Iolaus # 4. Collect the whole series!" Auto announced, laughing.
#4 cocked an eyebrow at that, but made no comment, choosing instead to back up slowly while glancing about.
"Where is she?" he muttered worriedly.
Herc, being Herc, had to try to help. "Lost someone?" he inquired pleasantly, ignoring his partner's frown.
#4 smiled back at him mischievously. "Yeah, my wife, Hera. Seen her around anywhere?"
"HERA?!" Iolaus squawked, voice giving out in shock. He could see the same question on Herc's face that was going through his own brain - what kind of sick world did this guy come from that he was married to the bitch-goddess Hera?
The doorway belched again, spitting forth a second figure that stumbled and collided into the stone water-trough with a solid thump. The trough rocked slightly from the impact.
"Hera, you ok?" Iolaus #4 called over his shoulder, never taking gaze off the group on the porch.
"Yeah, I'm fine," a deep but feminine voice replied as the voice's owner heaved herself up, using the trough for leverage. She rubbed her forehead. "Ouch," she complained mildly.
#4 made motherly, tsking sounds in sympathy, extending his free hand behind him. "Come over here, Luv," he suggested.
She came across the yard and Iolaus felt his heart flutter. This was a goddess alright, but not the icy Queen of Olympus. This goddess radiated warmth and happiness. Lovely in leather, she was a striking but not pretty beauty with soft glowing skin, flowing honey-blonde hair, and summer-sky blue eyes. Tall, too-she towered over Iolaus #4 as she slipped her hand into his and scanned the group on the porch with a friendly, open smile.
"I'm in love," Iolaus muttered, stunned. The last woman to affect him like this had been Ania. He wondered why his twin was grinning like a fool and why Xena, Auto, and Gabby were giggling like idiots behind him.
Then Goddess and demi-god locked gazes and two sets of blue eyes widened as two jaws dropped. Staring at each other in open shock, they chorused, "You're me!"
#4 broke into a delighted giggle. "Herakles, my love, meet...." he cocked a questioning eyebrow.
"Hercules," Joxer supplied helpfully.
As the rest of the group broke into startled laughter, Iolaus #4 asked Joxer, "Hey, you wouldn't happen to have any apples, wouldya?"
Iolaus groaned and buried his face in his hands. Oh, was it ever turning out to be one of those days!
The end
Hera and her Iolaus were asked to join the group for a snack, but politely declined stating that they really needed to get back home because Hera has another 'bun in the oven'. (Iolaus: "How?! When?!" Hera: "Remember that night in cave when I was cold?" Iolaus: "Oh, yeah. Darn! Every time?" Hera (shrugging sheepishly) "Looks like.")
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