THE ONLINE EXPERIENCE
BY DEBBIE CULLEN (MSc)
Within this chapter, I hope to give a flavour of what it was like for me to be a "cyberclient". Having had face to face counselling in the past, I will at times be comparing the two experiences, at other times, I will simply reflect on the online process as it was. This is not meant to be an in-depth exploration, simply a reflection of some key issues.
The first thing we need to do when identifying a counsellor is find names, addresses and contact numbers. Each is important - the name so that we know who we are talking to, the address so that we know where we will be meeting the counsellor, and the contact number so that we can talk and arrange the next step.
When looking for a face to face counsellor, I have either been able to use the support of friends, the information regarding a workplace counselling service or I have looked in yellow pages. Often I have gone through all these processes and still not linked up with a face to face counsellor at a time when I could have used the support. Perhaps this is about the effort it takes to drive almost an hour, when time is already a pressure, to meet a recommended counsellor and the accumulated costs involved in this (£30.00 for the session, £12.00 for the petrol money and the 2-3 hours of time and energy each week). Compare this to being able to locate a counsellor on the internet, read about their training and experience, review their prices before making contact and recognising also that I do not actually have to leave the comfort of my own home. So much more information, choice and subsequently so much easier.
There is certainly something to be said about the client putting effort into their counselling, but is there not also something to be said for ease of access to at least allow the necessary communications to begin? I looked through all the webpages available to me, some I found easily accessible whilst others were very fancy and colorful. I began to wonder what all these websites actually told me about the counsellor behind them.
The website I chose (notice at this stage I am not really choosing a counsellor, but a website!) was informative in that it told me about the counsellor's training and experience, his orientation, ways of working online (chat, email etc) and cost. I also knew that he was based in South Africa and so guessed that this was also his nationality. It was quite simply put together which meant that I didn't have to go through different links in order to communicate with him. All that was required was a simple email - I clicked on an email icon and it was ready for me to complete and send.
I contacted my counsellor and explained that I would like to have counselling, the number of sessions and the reason for the request. This was twofold in that I was a client, but also a researcher. We discussed this by email over a number of days and my counsellor was clear about the fact that at this stage it was a straightforward counselling relationship that I wanted. I was going through several endings at the time and it seemed appropriate to have counselling support on this issue. There were times when I wished I could simply have picked up a telephone and had a vocal conversation, but what was useful for me as a researcher was a recognition in writing of all that was discussed.
Agreements were reached, eight sessions were contracted and the first session was booked, with instructions on how to link up to the chat facility used by my counsellor for all his counselling.
At the first session a few days later, I was well prepared. It was similar to my doing a test drive of finding out where my counsellor lives then turning up some time later for the agreed session. I was linked up to the relevant chat rooms and simply waited for my counsellor to invite me in. I waited for some time and there was no invitation. I began to feel as though I had got the wrong night (which has happened when being a face to face client) so double checked all my information. I waited further and wondered if I was "knocking at the right door". In reading the journal that I was making notes in as I waited, I can see that I was burning some lavender oil, made a cup of tea and began to think I had got it wrong, perhaps I had misunderstood the time difference. After 20 minutes, I really wanted to make verbal contact - if I had a phone number I may well have called to see what was happening. The alternative was to send an email asking this question in the hope that he was sitting at his computer. Whilst waiting, my home telephone rang - I decided to answer it. After half an hour, most people would have given up and left, however I was still keen to begin my online counselling so I waited, and waited. Eventually, almost an hour later, I received an email saying that my counsellor had been having problems with his computer and that we could either start the session later that evening or book another time. I told him I would like to start the session right away, so we did. My nerves immediately hit me - I was sat at home at my computer but I was in counselling session.
We talked about what the focus of the session would be and I found the chat communication both straightforward and very clear. As we were talking, our words were on the screen and they stayed there until the end of the session when I copied them to a different file and then closed the system down. At this stage, I began to think again about what my counsellor looked like. I decided that he was in his early forties, white, a married man with two young children and living in a house with lots of land around it where he would take his two dogs for walks. There was even a river and lots of trees on his land and it was always nice weather. In addition, a few days later I was watching the rugby on television and saw a player on the South African team who shared my counsellor's surname - perhaps this was my counsellor?. This is clearly pure imagination, fantasy, transference - whatever you like to call it. What I did not want to do was find out about the real person. In order to feel comfortable, I had created my own image of a counsellor and agreed to meet with him each week for eight weeks - it was great. I received the attention and support I asked for. Mostly this was what I wanted, sometimes I felt as though I could get away with not really saying much about me, but talking superficially. This didn't last long though because he noticed and challenged me.
When talking to a friend about the experience of being an online client, she asked me whether or not there were silences. There were silences, though at times this was not always clear to us. As the counselling relationship continued, we eventually found a way of communicating when we had finished a statement and therefore the other person's turn. This means that as a counsellor, there may be more pressure to 'say' something, but as I found out, the counsellor is just as ready to stay with a silence if they feel it would be helpful whether online or face to face.
Because of my many years as an administrator and typist, I was keen to get every statement typed correctly, this didn't happen! I had to become comfortable with simply getting my thoughts onto the screen. I sometimes got distracted by a word that was spelled incorrectly or by a statement that sounded familiar. When preparing some 'homework' for me at the end of one session, my counsellor said "I'm still working on it… I'll be with you just now". This immediately made me think of my Welsh friends who would say "I'll be there now in a minute". This, in effect, brought my counsellor closer to me than South Africa.
The way we worked appeared to be in a solution focused way, but with an emphasis on allowing me to explore my own story. The end result was that I was able to move away from the theme of endings and talk more about myself generally. When ending this relationship I was able to confirm with my counsellor that he had "succeeded in helping me put words to how I see myself and where I am in my life at the moment […] I have realised I am in a new part of my life but I was a little bit stuck with the old vocabulary. This counselling relationship has been helpful in focusing on a new vocabulary."
Whilst reading through the transcripts of the eight sessions, I am aware that there seemed to be a lack of focus on feelings at times. This is perhaps a reflection of my own ability to avoid talking about my feelings. It might also have been a reflection of working with a solution focused model. There were times when my counsellor felt almost like a mentor or tutor - especially when focusing on my next move with the research course work within the session. At times this was very helpful, but there were occasions when I simply didn't want to think about the course work and became distanced to the subject - my counsellor would not have known this but if we were in face to face work, my body language may have told a different story.
Regarding body language, as the sessions went on, I became more forthcoming about what I was doing. It is almost certainly a reflection of my counselling training and personal development that I was able to vocalise this process - it may not occur to most clients to do so. Body language is accepted as being a major part of the face to face counselling process and is perhaps vital in engaging with the client - the substitute online is the client's imagination. As the client I needed to interpret the words - their tone and inflection. Visualise the face and posture of my counsellor and during the 'silences' remind myself that he was still there and not off talking to someone else. As the sessions continued, it seemed as though I was able to be more honest about what I was doing, feeling and really thinking - I wonder where this might have gone if I had contracted to 30 sessions rather than just eight?
Half way through the counselling, I agreed to try email counselling, as opposed to continuing with the chat medium. It was horrible. I really disliked the delay of days before we communicated with each other and it felt too much like homework which meant that as there was no deadline, I was unable to get round to doing it with any enthusiasm! As an online client, I would never agree to meet with a counsellor for email counselling - it simply doesn't suit my need to be with the person in the moment. As a potential online counsellor, I also feel that this would be a less than supportive counselling medium for me to engage in with a client - but I would never have known this if it were not for the fact that I tried it first. We agreed to complete the sessions as we started them, using the chat facility.
I certainly do not feel that the eight sessions with an online counsellor were a waste of time. There were certainly frustrations, but I have felt frustrated with face to face counselling as well. From my own experience, I would suggest that the majority of people could comfortably and usefully use online counselling as a short term, solution focused measure to help with difficult times in our lives.