The Early Years... these were the most trying times of my life. I will start when I was 9, but first let me give you some background. I was born to an adopted Afro-American woman who had run away from home and an Afro-Hispanic man from Ponce. My mother died when I was very young and I suddenly found myself in the custody of my Maternal Grandmother (by adoption). This is the person who cared for me for most of my life since my father decided to take a little walk when my mother died and left 5 children, one of whom I would not meet until I was 19 years old.
When I was 8, something interesting happened. My grandmother, whom by this time I was calling mom along with the one sister of mine that lived in the same house, began to study the Bible with a group of people called Jehovah’s Witnesses. These people really knew their stuff, or so I thought.
The following year I made a terrifying discovery, or so it was at the time, that I was a cake eating, Barbra Streisand loving, interior decorating, Brian Boitano watching, Greg Louganis loving, finger popping, friend of Dorthy. Well, at that time I said to my self, "well, I will grow out of it. I have two uncles, real men. I’ll spend some time with them to grow into being a man". Well, that didn’t go well and I had my first sexual encounter with a man at a way too early age. When that happened I knew I was in for a long fight. I managed to keep my feelings at bay for a few years by throwing myself into the Jehovah’s Witness organization. I got baptized and Pioneered (that’s when you knock on peoples doors for about 100 hours a month) and anything else I could do to keep me distracted from all the things that were going on inside. One problem, all these activities were taking place around other males, some of whom were FINE!!!! When I was in my early teens the person I called mom and I began to have problems, personality differences. I was going through puberty and she was going through midlife. It was HELL!!!! Finally she sent me away to live with my uncle in a house of male Jehovah’s Witnesses to help me become a ‘spiritual man’. Well, I moved and that was when I began sleeping with men again and hiding it. I had a lot of freedom there because my uncle was not a ‘parent’. I explored my feelings to a degree with the intention of finding out if I was really gay.
I realized then that this wasn’t going away. I also didn’t know that I was living in the same house as another gay man, Ed. He proved to be so much of a friend and family to me, more than I could every tell you here. He treated me like I was one of his kids. He didn’t tell me he was gay until much later in our living together.
At one point I decided that I needed to move back home to have more rules and my uncle got married. When I got back home I managed to keep things together until graduation. After that I moved back in with Ed and well I lived a double life. I was a pioneer and I started seeing a ministerial servant (like a minister) in the Spanish congregation. At one point he actually moved in the house and I didn’t inform Ed of this. I didn’t know he was gay and I felt he would tell and I would get in a world of trouble. All the while I was dealing with guilt and then my partner at the time beat me up one night and I just knew I was being punished for my behavior. So we split up and I didn’t have anyone to talk to about it. Or so I thought.
One day I ordered a gay porn video from some company and had it delivered to the house. I usually made sure I was home when I did this but I was out for some reason. Ed got the package. Because I worked with him on technical writing projects we would often receive pre-released software in the mail in brown wrapping. Ed assumed it was that. And to his surprise it was gay porn video. So, he did what any gay Jehovah’s Witness would do. He ran upstairs and copied the tape and then ran out to Staples and got the tape he needed an resealed the box. When I later come home he told me there was a box on the table for me and I did what any gay Jehovah’s Witness would do, I lied and said my Spanish teacher had sent it to me and it was something to do with class because I didn’t think he had opened it. Well at this point Victoria’s Secret was out.
After we had Ed and I had moved to Puerto Rico, Ed came to me and told me he knew about my activities, we both agreed that we would keep it between us, but I still had some nagging fears. I thought I would die because of what I was. This came from my mentality as a Witness. So I made one last effort to “fix” myself. I married a female. She was one of my best friends and a lovely girl. But that lasted for all of 3.5 months. At that point if became painfully obvious I couldn’t be the husband she needed. So, after a scary conversation with her father explaining my reasons, he offered to pay for an annulment. As this situation was ending I had an epiphany, I was sitting on the beach down from the house and I saw a cruise ship floating by so I took a closer look like I always did when I went down there. It was a gay cruise with a huge Pride flag draped over the mast of the ship. At that point I made my mind up that the Jehovah’s Witnesses were simply wrong. “God is love and love is for everyone.” These were the words I began to feel in my heart.
I then had to make the painful decision of moving back to the United States. To do that I needed to live with my mom again which was a challenge in itself. I had to continue to pretend to be a Jehovah’s Witness so that I could have a place to live when I moved back. But one day it all came to a head. I couldn’t take it any more and I told my mother I was gay. She immediately threw me out of the house and stopped speaking to me and cut off all contact.
Fortunately the day I got thrown out I met a guy named Mike. Well, I actually met his roommates and he came home and I was in his living room. He was quite the gentleman and told me I could stay the night since the other option was sleeping in my car. The next day I ran into my 10th grade English teacher and I told her what had happened to me, she always had a big heart but this was when she really showed it to me. She offered me a room in here house for small amount of money monthly and the ability to go and come as I pleased. I don’t know what I would have done with out her. I then wrote my letter to the Jehovah’s Witnesses telling them I didn’t want to be one of their members anymore. Well that didn’t go over too well.
I had to go home to get some things the next week and my mother called them and told them I was coming. By the time I left the house, Mr. Clark, one of their “Elders” was blocking my car in my mother’s driveway, he refused to let me leave saying I was possessed by Satan and that I needed to be counseled by him and by god and the story ended with me calling the police, explaining that I was no longer one of his “sheep” and that I just wanted to go to work. The asked him to move and he had to comply because they have a belief that they have to “respect the superior authorities.” The nerve those people have is incredible sometimes.
I tell you this story because if you happen to talk to Jehovah’s Witnesses or are thinking of I want you to think long and hard then say no.
Post-Jehovah's Witnesses
Well after the trauma of being a Jehovah’s Witness, I had to learn how to deal with non-Jehovah’s Witnesses again. That was probably the hardest lesson I learned. It started at my new job as a department manager with an outsource company. I learned some valuable lessons about people there. I also learned that people could like me for me. I also learned that I had an identity other than 'Darío the Jehovah’s Witness.' During the time I worked there I hung out with Jeanine, Mike, and Lee. These people would become my most trusted friends and have to work with me through another difficult time in my life. They are all pictured below along with Ed.
The next chapter of my life consisted in repairing the damage the Jehovah’s Witnesses had done to me. I went into one failed relationship after another. At this point I still had nagging doubts about who I was. I wouldn’t allow guys to get close to me, and I spent a lot of time drinking and being depressed because I didn’t have a family anymore and many of my friends were no longer in my life. Well, the new people I had met managed to put up with my bullshit and maintain a relationship with me. I also began seeing a therapist in secret. I didn’t want people thinking that I was weak or that I couldn’t deal with the problems in my life. My therapist was outstanding. She helped me understand that I needed to leave the influences of the Jehovah’s Witnesses in my mind as well if I was ever going to be happy. I had made a decision to live my life in happiness but I denied myself that everyday with my doubts. When you are conditioned to do things and be able to predict how someone will react to what you do, because they all think like you, one’s freedom is lost. Some people don’t think that Jehovah’s Witnesses are a cult. I however feel that even though they don’t make you kill yourself because of the end of the world, or other things that would clearly make one call an organization a cult, that does not exclude them. Any organization that exhibits a high measure of control on your life, such as monopolizing your time, and using divine wrath as a way to get people to “behave”, takes away your freedom. I would have to say that was the most profound realization I have ever had.
Right around this time a good friend of mine (Adrian) was going through the same thing I was. He didn’t make it though. Unfortunately, he committed suicide on his parent’s porch one spring morning. I was more shocked at what followed his suicide than the suicide itself. His father and mother blamed the gay community for what happened and they refused to have his funeral in the Jehovah’s Witness meeting hall and didn’t allow any of the gay friends he had to attend the small service they had for him (including Adrian’s boyfriend). Charles was especially hurt by Adrian’s parent’s actions. When I called to offer my condolences, they refused to speak to me about their son and told me that he had “lost Jehovah’s favor”. I was floored by that response. I knew then that no matter what happened to me, I would never go back to an organization that would separate parent and child.
A few years later I learned of a group called A Common Bond. These people are a group of X-Jehovah’s Witnesses who are gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender. (Did I leave any one out?) I found these people to be a source of strength and friendship for me. Between the tow of them and my therapist, I can finally sleep well at night.
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