7 feb 2002 "-you're not my type.  *kiss*  you're not my type. -you said that already.  *kiss* -i'm trying to convince myself.  *kiss* -how's that going?  *kiss* -not so good.  *kiss*" i'm very conflicted right now. you ever get obsessed about a pretty sticky/impossible situation, and you know it's a bad thing and that it'll get you STEAMROLLED, yet you let yourself get sucked into it just because it's something new and semi-exciting? well, last night, i was thinking about a particular fantasy i've had for a while now.  not that i think the fantasy is possible, and even if by a cosmically miraculous chance it did come true, i'd be so saddled down with bad karma that it'd the equivalent of walking under a ladder WITH an open umbrella back and forth about sixy-eight times. but anyways, i was bored, and i wanted to sleep, so i just let myself go with it.  and what resulted was such fitful sleep that i woke up all sweating and bothered, despite the fact that it was probably still pretty chilly in my room. *sigh* i'm a freak.  i think about things that are way over my head.  i build up these fanciful expectations that will never come true, and for what purpose?  none that i can think of... times like these, i always think of the NIN song, "something i can never have."  the lyrics don't exactly match my current situation, but the title does.  it's the things i can't have that i want the most... and probably precisely because i can't have them... acknowledging my own futility is a rude awakening to the harsh reality of life, and it just makes me feel infinitely impotent.  i HATE that impotence!  i want to know that i can accomplish anything, that i can get whatever i want as long as i put in the conviction and the effort.  but... alas... that's just a grand delusion, isn't it?  in reality, i'm just a little little man. those of you who i've let in on my little dark secret wishes will know what i'm talking about.  it's pretty bad, isn't it?  i'm just plain evil, aren't i?  unscrupulous and amoral... but anyways... after my sweaty sleep, i fell back into slumber, only to be woken up at 1:08am by the harsh grating ring of my cell phone.  i picked it up, and it was stef.  i talked to her a full FIFTY minutes, and i hope i helped her ease her mind about the current trauma in her life. i was all groggy when i stumbled into the office, but i was cheered up by my first cell phone call from mallory.  she was free for lunch, which is pretty amazing because she's been working her ass off at the hospital.  she wanted some pmt, so we met up at castro in front of cafe verde. it's been a while since i've seen her, and i still remember her as this rather tallish, attractive girl on the runway modelling clothes as the AASA fashion show back in '97.  i haven't seen her in over four years, so it was a pleasant surprise to finally get to sit down with her one-on-one for the first time. she eats a mean bowl of pho.  i mean, i probably take the award for the person who puts in the most hot sauce into soup, but at the end of the meal, her bowl was almost as red as mine.  that's cool. and what's cooler, she indulged in a cigarette with me.  personally, i think smoking is a disgusting habit to have, but i like people who don't mind having a smoke with me occasionally. she was wearing her scrubs with these clogs that apparently a lot of hospital people wear because they're comfortable... i'm kind of skeptical about that, because the clogs look really unforgiving, but first peter and now mallory swear by them, so there must be something about them. but anyways... mallory is cool.  too bad she's engaged, that's all i can say.  but in any case, i enjoyed hanging out with her briefly.  she did ask one really odd question, though... "what's wrong with high maintenace?"  i was taken aback... you mean you actually think it's a GOOD thing? in my new roommate search, i got desperate and asked her if she wanted to room with me.  i mean, she works at stanford, so it'll be closer than her current digs in millbrae, right?  but she politely declined (i think her fiance would have some serious problems with her living with a guy :) but i had to ask because damn, i don't want to live with a random person!  arrrgh.  i know i'm freaking about it prematurely, but i really want to resolve this roommate problem as soon as possible. hey.  i get these e-mails from people who say they're from nigeria, and they have millions of cash stashed somewhere, and they want to me to get it for them, and they'll give me a cut of the money.  what kind of scam is this?  i don't understand what they hope to achieve... it can't be true, right?  so if it's a hoax, what are they trying to do here?  *confused look* i've talked to enjelani twice on AIM now.  i know it's probably bad to let people know about my insecurities, but i feel a slight bit of pressure when i talk to her.  i think it's because i know she's eloquent and deep and all that, and i'm afraid i'll say something really mundane or stupid, and she'll be like, "hey bitch.  you're lame."  :)  i mean, i'm half trying to be funny here, but i definitely feel like i am supposed to be insightful and reflective and just "worthwhile" as far as the conversation with her goes. and that brings me to another point.  yes, i've run into some problems with this journal and my patented "big fucking mouth."  but what if i say something *really* offensive and ignorant?  i mean, i have faith that i'm a good person, and most of my thoughts are valid and informed, but i just wonder if i'll ever really mess up and piss off a whole slew of people.  it scares me.  but i'll keep talking, so we'll just see about that... i was cleaning my e-mail inbox the other day, and i came across some e-mails to this girl, grace, who i briefly went out with for a few weeks back in the summer of '94.  anyways, she's getting married in june! the funny story here is that a few years ago, she e-mailed me and told me she was in the bay area.  and then, she asked me, "do you know that there are other dardy's out there?"  i shrugged it off, like, "yeah, so what?"  and then she said, "do you want to meet one of them?"  and i was said, "why the hell would i want to do that?"... and then she goes, "BECAUSE I'M GOING OUT WITH HIM!" ha!  her boyfriend (and now fiance) is another dardy!  how fucking weird is that?  how many dardy's are there in the world?  and grace will have the distinction of going out with TWO of them?  wow.  i joke that she just wanted me, and couldn't have me, so she went out and found a replacement dardy, haha. _dawson's_ was bad last night, as usual.  but the first kissing scene with audrey and pacey was HOTT!  i mean, they were literally *bouncing* on the bed!  it mean, it was passionate, sexually charged, and titillating!  it must have been really fun to act out... lots of tongue, heavy breathing, pelvic thrusts, wetness and hardness... shit, man.  it looked like they were going to rip each other's clothes off.  that's such fun stuff. but anyways... *sigh* as i said, i'm conflicted. damn this life. damn my futility. damn the whole fucking cosmos.