Two things that let you know when you're getting too old: First, You start to lose your memory; Second, ... I forgot what the second one is ...

Archeologists will date any old thing.

The "C" in "RAP" is silent.

Mind like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.

Of course you're faster, but I'm driving in front of you.

It is useless for the sheep to pass resolutions in favor of vegetarianism while the wolf remains of different opinion. -- William Ralph Inge

I still miss my ex. But my aim is getting better.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you got it made. -- Groucho Marx

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

The difference between a dead dog and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road? There are skid marks in front of the dog.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

Go ahead and honk. I'm reloading.

An Old Irish Proverb: Drink is the curse of the land. It makes you fight with your neighbors. It makes you shoot at your husband. And it makes you miss him.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

If you think the system is working ask someone who isn't

I drive this way just to p*ss you off.

Marriage: the most expensive way for each partner to discover all of the other's faults.

Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.

I don't care who you are, what you are driving, or where you would rather be.

24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?

How to tell a woman's PMS medication bottle from the others in her house? It's the one with the bite marks on the cap. I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

A first marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. A second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

Illiterate? Call This Number for Help.

What's another word for synonym?

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

I have as much authority as the pope: I just don't have as many people who believe it. -- George Carlin

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

Honk if you're illiterate.

Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an idiot.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vue at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before. -- Steven Wright

It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know where to hide the bodies of the people I had to kill because they p*ssed me off.

If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will.

Friends don't let friends drive naked.

Under Republicans, man exploited man. Under Democrats, it's just the opposite.

The difference between pink and purple? The grip.

Used Cars For Sale: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again. -- F. P. Jones

She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

Even a broken clock tells the right time at least twice a day.

Okay, who stopped payment on my reality check?

MY KARMA JUST RAN OVER YOUR DOGMA.

I think it's wrong that only one company makes Monopoly.

Why are mens and womens shoe sizes different for the same size foot?

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

Time is the best teacher; unfortunately, it kills all its students.

Is it possible to be totally partial?

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.--Steven Wright

Happiness is a choice, not a reaction.

Forget about World Peace ... visualize using your turn signal.

Wisconsin: Smell our dairy air!

Don't p*ss me off. I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

A half an hour of begging is not considered foreplay.

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Plants & animals disappear to make room for your fat ass.

Joan of Arc heard voices too.

I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it binds the universe together.

If the universe is expanding, why the Hell can't I find a parking space?

Manure Occureth.

I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.

The difference between a woman with PMS and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Eagles soar, but a weasel never gets sucked into a jet engine.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Are our knuckles dragging again?

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? His/her lips are moving.

To have a successful relationship, I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.

Please honk if you would like to see my finger.

Firefighters find them hot and leave 'em wet.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Lottery: a tax on people who are bad at math.

What should you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

i souport publik edekasion.

The difference between genius and stupidity: genius has its limits.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

Three kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

What do you have when you have a lawyer buried up to his/her neck in the sand? Not enough sand.

This is not an abandoned vehicle.

Support a Lawyer - Become a Doctor.

Nonconformists are all alike.

Put the FUN back in dysfunctional.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

What is the difference between Rush Limbaugh and the Hindenburg? One's a flaming Nazi gasbag and the other's just a blimp.

I saw on this nature show how the male elk douses himself with urine to smell sweeter to the opposite sex. What a coincidence!

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.

All generalizations are false.

Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

Conserve toilet paper, use both sides.

What the world needs is more geniuses with humility and there are so few of us left.

I may be drunk, but you're stupid: at least I'll sober up.

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

Learn from your parent's mistakes - use birth control!

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.

As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner Sociopath.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

The beatings will continue until employee morale improves.

If it weren't for people like you, nobody else would have an above-average IQ.

The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse.

Horn broke. Watch for finger.

Guns don't kill people: postal workers do.

I'm an optimist, but I don't think it helps.

All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid, and disgusting parts.

Atheist: a person with no invisible means of support.

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without hanging on.

If you cannot convince them, confuse them.

If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.

Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.

If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?

Overdrawn? But I still have checks left!

What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.

Famous last words: What happens if you touch these two wires tog---

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.

Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.

I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.

Plagiarism is copying from one source; research is copying from two or more.

Time flies when you don't know what you're doing.

You can't be late until you show up.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean that they AREN'T after you.

Never eat more than you can lift.

Walk a mile in another's moccasins before judging that person. If you STILL disagree then at least you are a mile away and have their shoes!

Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

How can I miss you if you won't go away?

I is a college student.

Life is sexually transmitted.

TRAPEZOID - A device for catching zoids.

Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)

Lobotomies for Republicans - It's the Law.

I can change any thought that hurts into a reality that hurts even more.

A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

The difference between a woman with PMS and a pit bull? Lipstick.

I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?

A day without sunshine is like, night.

The biggest cause of trouble in the world today is that the stupid people are so sure about things and the intelligent folks are so full of doubts.-- Bertrand Russell

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I cannot accept. And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they p****d me off. Also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today, as they may be connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow.

Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Q. Why do blonds keep empty beer bottles in the fridge? A. For those who don't drink.

The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.