'Werewolf' (904)


I must admit, I've never much of a horror fan.  I've seen some of the
classic '30s horror--'Frankenstein,' 'Frankenstein's Bride,' 'Dracula,' 'The
Mummy,' and part of 'The Wolf Man.'  When it comes to modern stuff, though,
I've only seen 'Jaws,' 'Poltergeist,' (Word of advice: this is *not* a film to
show four thirteen-year-olds at a slumber party.) and about half of 'The Blair
Witch Project.'  (While I found the characters very annoying, I thought the
minimalist approach was really quite creepy.)  So I'll grant you, I don't have
much experience with horror flicks.  But even I know this--if a horror film
isn't scaring you, it's not a good film.


In one of the MST3K specials, someone (I think it was Kevin Murphy) mentioned
something to the effect that the best films for them were those that tried to
deliver some kind of message, or at least just accomplish some goal, and
ultimately failed miserably.  That makes the movie 'Werewolf,' aka 'Arizona
Werewolf,' a perfect movie for them.  It tries to be a horror movie.  It fails
miserably--not only ultimately, but right from the get-go.


The credits roll over many, many scenes of the full moon.  (Are the filmmakers
afraid we don't *know* that full moons and werewolves are related?)  The film
itself opens at some sort of excavation, in what looks to me to be a singularly
unpromising site for an excavation--it almost looks like a quarry of some
sort.  We never do find out just what *kind* of science is going on--is it
archaeology?  Paleontology?  Genericology?  (I'm guessing the last.) 
Taskmaster Yuri arrives to try to prod his workers away from their break and,
establishing his ridiculously short fuse early, he gets into a fight with a
couple of them.  One of the workers, an American Indian named Tommy, (Yes, you
read that right.) ends up gashing his arm on a find--a skeleton of some sort,
with rather large fangs.  Dig director Dr. Noel arrives to break up the fight
and take possession of the skeleton.  The three workers, including Joe Estevez,
take Tommy to the hospital, but not before Joe gets to identify the skeleton as
a 'yanaglotchi,' breathed in a suitably ominous tone.


Dr. Noel and Yuri explain the find, and the term, to Natalie, who seems to be
filling the role of the master's grad student on the dig.  Dr. Noel goes in
depth into some sort of Indian legend; however, since the film ignores most of
that, just remember that a yanaglotchi is a werewolf.  Of course, the trick is
to *prove* that their skeleton is a werewolf.


Tommy arrives back from the hospital.  But, as his condition has deteriorated
to not just bad, but bad bad, he's taken back, where he slowly starts
lycanthropizing.  Yuri, who wants to prove his skeleton is a werewolf, but
evidently doesn't want to risk damaging the skeleton by using it to scratch
people, sneaks into the hospital and takes a blood sample from Tommy.  (Once
again proving the Hollywood view of scientists--any scientist is an expert in
any science.)  Tommy finally lycanthropizes completely, has a bit of a rampage,
heads home, is promptly shot by his friends, and he and they are never seen
again.


Enter, finally, our hero and soon-to-be-werewolf...Paul.  He's just moved to
Flagstaff, and gets to meet both his hot real estate agent and the
groundskeeper, who essentially looks like Santa...if Santa joined the Michigan
Militia.  He is also shoved willy-nilly into the plot at amazing speed--he's
invited to a party, meets Natalie, hits it off with her, and is almost hit by a
drunken Yuri.  Yuri decides that now is a good time to test out his werewolf
blood, so he heads back to the lab, tricks a security guard into drinking
champagne laced with some knock-out stuff, and injects him with the blood.  The
guard wakes up and leaves in his car, with Yuri following him.  As he drives,
the guard lycanthropizes.  Yuri evidently forgot to take a few things into
account--such as the fact that werewolves really aren't built for driving.  The
guard crashes into some conveniently-stacked oil barrels, and exits the movie
in a blaze of glory.


Natalie brings Paul to the lab, hoping to convince him to help her and Dr. Noel
with writing their grants and articles; Paul's a writer, after all.  (New
Hollywood assumption--any writer can write any type of book or article.)  Yuri,
still smarting from Natalie's rejection of him for Paul the previous night,
again starts a fight, and again winds up scratching his opponent with the
skeleton.  (He's having a lot more success with this approach, so I don't know
what the whole blood thing was about.)  Eventually, Paul also starts
lycanthropizing--though he's alone, at home, and we get to see *much* more of
the process, which evidently involves a *lot* of grimacing.


Werewolf Paul gets to go on a couple of rampages, killing a girl who was out
with her boyfriend (in other words, a slut), as well as attacking his hot real
estate agent.  Natalie is getting concerned, but still doesn't entirely know
what's going on.  Things finally come to a head at a bar, where Paul once again
lycanthropizes and heads out into the streets for a bit of a rampage.  Yuri
finally explains the whole deal to Natalie, including the fact that Dr. Noel
is, to some extent, in on it.  Natalie is appalled at this wanton playing with
human life; at least, she should be.  Unfortunately, she never, throughout the
entire movie, conveys much of any emotion.


Paul returns to his lair--aka the attic--where Natalie finally finds him.  Yuri
also tracks him down there, so Paul escapes into the wilderness that suddenly
sprang up near his home, where he finally gets to rid the movie of Yuri.
Natalie, in an ending that telegraphs its 'twist' with semaphore flags *and*
smoke signals, returns to Paul's house, having somehow made herself a werewolf
so she can join her beloved Paul.


Mere words cannot describe the sheer, strange unhorror of this movie.  The
werewolf effects are realized through crepe hair and puppets; Natalie, Paul,
and Yuri all sport differing and highly peculiar accents; and the movie seems
to take place in a universe where there is a constant full moon.  There's not
much gore, and what is there is extremely fake.  Of course, all of this makes
for great riffing, including:


* The terrible werewolf effects and silly werewolf acts
     Crow (reacting to Tommy's growls): Oh, someone's trying to start their
          Plymouth Duster.


     Mike: What, is he a bat?  A bug?  What is that?


     Tom: Wait!  It's a gorilla!  With a dog mask on!


     Crow (at the driving werewolf): I hope he remembers to crack a window for
          himself.


     Mike: You know, the antidote to being a werewolf just might be Immodium AD.


     Crow (at Paul's first rampage): Butterfly kisses gone horribly wrong!


     Tom: Oh, great.  A random citizen that can kick a werewolf's ass.


     Crow (as Paul): Well, can you help me get these Bugles off my fingers?


     Tom (at sight of the now lycanthropized Natalie): She teased her hair,
          then she got downright sadistic with it.


* The accents and acting of Paul, Natalie, and Yuri
     Natalie: Wahrwulf?
     Crow: No, *werewolf.*  Were.  Say it.


     Crow (about Paul): He's a Rent-a-Center Andy Garcia.


     Crow (as Natalie): Whahr you lif is incradhable.


     Natalie: When you look at the structure of the legs...you can see...
     Tom: That...I am...stalling...


     Mike (about Paul): His voice coach was David Ducovney.


     Natalie: I'm very concerned about your wall-bein.
     Crow: His wallaby?


     Natalie: I don't know what to believe.
     Tom: Try believing in ESL for a while!


     Natalie: Well, maybe then it's too late!
     Mike: Wow, the future conditional plu-perfect subjunctive.


     Mike (about Natalie): She learned English from the Wild and Crazy Guys. 


     Tom: This is where Yuri's Russo-Mexican tracking skills will come in handy.


     Tom (when Natalie finds Yuri's body): Fortunately, the director *wanted*
          no reaction in this scene.
     Mike: Remember, Cindy, *nothing* gets in.  No information *ever* reaches
          your brain.  Good.


* Yuri's many hair styles
     Tom: His hair is completely different!


     Crow: I've gone back to my darker, shorter hair now.


     Tom: This guy's on his fourth hair-do since the movie started.


     Mike: Now this clown's got Brian Fairy hair!


     Mike: Boom.  Another hair style.


     Tom: Wait!  Now he's got gray hair!


* The supporting cast
     Mike (seeing Dr. Noel): Vanessa Redgrave for Banana Republic.


     Tom: Chia Estevez.


     Crow (about Estevez): He looks like a puffed-up ruffled grouse.


     Crow (about were-Tommy's victim): Not Bob Vila!  No!
     Tom: Now what we're doing here, Bob, is getting killed by a werewolf.


     Crow: Fidel Castro, housemother.


     Tom (about real estate agent): She's got a neck like a Masai warrior.


* The bad music and poor filmmaking skills exhibited
     Mike (at opening credits): A song about how loose their slots are, huh?
     Tom: Featuring the Bulgarian Women's Choir rendition of 'Jingle Bells.'


     Crow: Ah, yes.  The concerto in A minor for cello and werewolf.


     Crow (at the party): Loud mumbling breaks out!
     Tom: Movie?  Is there something you'd like to share with the rest of us?


     Tom: So they mike tires and feet in this movie, but not people.


     Mike: The crickets are trying to drown out the soundtrack.
     Crow: Go, crickets!


* The entire closing credits sequence--go to  Ward E
     to see the text for it


* The persistent full moon
     Tom: The full moon doggedly refuses to wane.


     Mike: The most stubborn full moon in the history of the world.


     Crow: So are we supposed to assume a month passes every few minutes here
          in Flagstaff?


     Crow: The third straight week of the full moon.


* The whole bar scene
     Crow: Yep, bikers love harpsichord music.
     Tom: Play some Well-Tempered Clavier, man.


     Crow: OK.  Stop.  Everyone go up a shirt size.


     Mike: Man, Cher has really let herself go.


     Crow: Now they're playing the soundtrack from Ken Burns' "Civil War."
          What is this?


     Mike: Chubby Ramone.


     Crow: Not a good sign when the action in your movie is upstaged by a mural.


     Tom: Meanwhile, Slash is still trying in vain to sink a ball.


* The "surprise" ending
     Tom: OK, she's a werewolf.  I think we're all ahead of you, movie.  Sorry.


     Crow (at a thumping sound): That was the sound of the director giving up
          and leaving.


     Mike: OK, movie, she's a werewolf.  We've really gotta call time on this
          one.  I'm sorry.


     Mike: Oh, c'mon--*dead* people know what's going to happen here.


     Crow: He's become a were-Amish guy.


     Crow: Surprise ending written and conceived by a tubeworm.


     Tom: Ach.  I stand corrected.  She's not a werewolf--she merely joined the
          cast of 'Cats.'


* Other gems
     Crow: Rock-'em Sock-'em Archaeologists!


     Dr. Noel: Skinwalker.
     Mike: Texas Skin Ranger.


     Crow: The actual skeleton of a Push Me-Pull You.


     Natalie: Really?  What's the subject matter?
     Tom: You're right, subject doesn't matter.


     Natalie: Paul?
     Mike: I enjoyed your letter to the Philippians.


The host segments start out a bit slow, I think--though Mike (as James Lipton)
telling Crow (whom he thinks is Ray Liotta) that Whoopi Goldberg said he smells
like apples is amusing.  The first full host segment is a bit painful, but I
tend to view it as a send-up/homage to Joel-era host segments, which makes it
more amusing.  Things really get going with their girl-group rendition
of 'Where, O Werewolf,' as well as Mike becoming a were-Crow.  I also love the
ending, with Pearl's attempts to make her own Werewolf.  I guess I'm just a
sucker for a cute cocker spaniel.


'Werewolf' is one of the strongest episodes of Season 9.  It's got great
riffing and good-to-great host segments, as well as a ridiculous movie that
just can't deliver on horror.  Once you watch it, you too will wander around
saying, "Dis iss obsolutely faszinating."


"The Uzbekistani Tracy and Hepburn."

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