"12 to the Moon"


"12 to the Moon" falls within my favorite bad sci-fi movie genre--speculative
space travel.  Other MiSTied movies in this genre include "Rocketship X-M,"
"Fire Maidens of Outer Space," and "First Spaceship on Venus," though there are,
of course, many more.  This is a particularly rich genre in which to find bad
movies, for a number of reasons.  The science shown in them is nearly always
outdated--sometimes even before the movie's released!  The attempts to create
tension and drama often fall flat.  (The script is sagging?  Throw a bunch of
meteors at them!)  Quite often, the filmmakers don't even *try* to create a
planetscape that looks different than Earth (or, when they do, they err in the
other direction--see "First Spaceship on Venus" for that).  Finally, the writers
often can't predict what society would be like the next *day,* let alone 20 or 30
years from their time.  These factors can add up to a gosh-awful movie--which,
of course, can create a great MST3K episode.  Just like "12 to the Moon."


12 astronauts, each from a different country and led (of *course!*) by the "hunky"
American, enter the Lunar Eagle 1 to make "man's first trip to the moon."  They
land, conduct some minimal exploration, lose a few members of the crew, return to
the ship, get contacted by aliens living on the moon, blast off with their tails
between their legs, leaving behind a couple members and the experimental cats, get
frozen in space by the aliens, watch half of Earth get frozen by the aliens, try to
break the "big freeze," lose a couple *more* members, get *really* frozen by the
aliens, then get thawed again as the aliens learn that humans might not be so bad
after all and return to Earth in what I would term a "spark" of glory.  In between
all of this are a plethora of attempts at characterization, including a couple love
stories, the Polish/Israeli Dr. Ruskin having words with the Russian Dr. Orlav *and*
finding out that his mentor, the German Dr. Heinrich, is the son of the Nazi who was
responsible for the death of his family, *and* the French Dr. Martel rather suddenly
going psycho.  Any of these *might* generate interest...if any of them could act their
way out of a wet paper bag.  They can't.  Well, except for Dr. Martel when he goes
psycho, but he errs in the other direction and ends up chewing so much scenery, it's
a wonder he didn't expose the entire ship to the vacuum of space.  Definitely inspiring
stuff for the Best Brains writers.


This episode *also* has a great short--"Design for Dreaming."  A woman dreams--in song--
about going to a car show.  She not only sees new cars, she sees a futuristic Frigidare
kitchen!  And *then* she sees futuristic *cars!*  And she gets to drive off with the
male lead on the Road to Tomorrow!  Be still, my heart!


This episode has it all--hilariously bad movie, hilariously weird short, great riffing,
great host segments.  The best riffs in the short focus on three main aspects:


*  The whole weirdness of presenting one's new line of cars like this:


	Crow: I had a near-death experience like this.


	Tom: This is a rebuttal to "Roger and Me."


	Crow: While she's dancing, the Japanese are making *great* cars.


*  The woman's almost frenetic acting


	Tom: Holly Goweirdly.


	Mike: This would be the up part of her manic mood swings, I'm guessing.


	Mike: I wonder what Freud would make of that sunhat!
	Crow: Well, sometimes a sunhat is just a sunhat.


*  The presentation of the "future"


	Crow: Just because it's futuristic doesn't mean it's practical.


	Mike: Look.  Dead raccoon of tomorrow.


	Tom: Future may not be available as seen.  Personal fates may vary.  Future not
         available in Africa, India, or Central and South America.


The riffing of the movie also focuses well on certain aspects:


*  The "science" shown in the movie:


	Swedish doctor after her shower: Cleaned by ultrasound and massaged by airjets.
	Mike: You know, I don't buy it for a minute.


	Dr. Ruskin: I am now turning on my invisible electromagnetic ray screen...
	Mike: Even I don't believe it.
	Dr. Ruskin: ...which forms a protective shield over our faces.
	Tom: Sure it does.
	Crow: Now I'm activating my wings, and I'll fly!


	Tom: Meteors don't travel in flocks!
	Mike, Well, these do.


	Tom: There's no steam in a vacuum!
	Crow [as scientist]: I'm registering static cling!


*  The production values of the movie:


	[At the first sight of the interior of the ship]
	Crow: Look!  Beach chairs!
	Tom: The first Sun Country charter to the Moon!


	[At the shot of one of the instruments]
	Crow: They put a diaphragm on an old flat iron!


	[As small rocket leaves large rocket on attempt to break the freeze on Earth--
	 it looks even worse than the large rocket]
	Mike: Ladies and gentlemen, the budget just ran out--so from here on out, just
	 bear with us.


	[As small rocket goes down in flames]
	Mike: There was clearly a stick involved!


*  Poking fun at the characters and their acting:


	The various names for the captain, including Cliff Beefpile, Sledge Riprock,
	 Tank Concrete, and Chunk Ironchest.


	Mike: Walk slow and stupid--we're on the moon!


	Dr. Ruskin: We're constantly being bombarded by falling rocks--
	Crow: And useless dialog.


	[At shot of Drs. Ruskin and Heinrich in small rocket]
	Mike: You guys ever sat on a German before?  I mean, right on him.  It's weird.


	Nigerian navigator (I forget his name) as he watches small rocket crash:
	 Songay.  Songay Allai.
	Crow: That's foreign for "Better you than me."


	[As the triumphant captain orders the ship to land on Earth at the end]
	Mike: I did it!  I saved us all!  I'm Chunk Ironchest and I won!


The host segments give Bridget Jones her first episode-long exposure.  She plays
Nuveena, Woman of the Future!  She sings and dances a lot like the woman from the
short, but she offers Mike and the bots a chance to escape the Satellite.
Unfortunately, she only views the bots as things, and turns them into household
appliances.  Mike stands up for them, and finally orders her off the Satellite.
This gives us the *wonderful* opportunity to see Bridget tell her husband, "Well,
get bent, you robot-loving turd!"  Ya gotta love it.


In short, I highly recommend "12 to the Moon."  It's some of the best that MST3K has
to offer.  (Guest writer Jack Perkins brought in for that last sentence.  Let's give
him a hand!)


"So, what do you think we learned here?  That three, maybe four people would've
worked a whole lot better than twelve--oh, and always bring cats."

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