His Office and Her Lab
Copyright by Blue Topaz, 2003
Thursday, 10 July 2003
13.00: The Psychiatrist
Where do you spend most of your time when you are on the base? Explain the reason why.
***
14.05 : Jack O'Neill
See Carter, I resisted the urge to abuse this journal. I didn't use it to make an appointment. What wouldn't I do for you, eh?
***
14.09 : Jack O'Neill
Carter, I know you have your Palm with you.
So be a good girl and answer me, will you?
***
14.15 : Jack O'Neill
I know you’ve read my previous entries.
Major, don't ignore my order.
***
14.18 : Sam Carter
First of all, I would like to thank you for the small favor, Sir. It was so thoughtful of you.
Secondly, you were lucky that the Palms have the 'vibrate' and 'silent' features on them. However, you might want to refrain from writing in the journal during briefings. Teal'c is giving you the 'look'. And I'm sure Daniel will soon realize that you haven't paid much attention to him. Don't forget General Hammond; he might confiscate your Palm if he found out that you are using it right now.
And thirdly, please, stop throwing paper balls at me! You've got my attention already.
14.20 : Jack O'Neill
But Daniel's briefing is boring, as usual. It's all in his report. I could always read it after this.
Humor me, please. I know that you are bored too.
Teal'c might give me the 'look', but I know that he won't say anything. Daniel is in his happy place, even a purple dog dancing in front of his eyes couldn't bring him out of it. The General is (trying to, and failing miserably) concentrating on our archaeologist, his back is to us. And the last time I checked, he doesn't have eyes in the back of his head.
Come on, I know you want it too. You’ve doodled on your notes, which means you didn't find this lecture interesting either.
Just cover the Palm with your folder - they won't have a clue.
14.21 : Sam Carter
I hate it when you read me like that. It's so unfair.
14.22 : Jack O'Neill
I knew that you would agree with me.
So, the place where we spend most of our time on the base, huh? I know yours is your lab. Where you do all those mind boggling experiments, invent all those impossible machines, test every alien object that comes from the Stargate, rewrite the law of physics, and don't forget that it was the place where you think up all those wacky ideas of yours.
Can you guess mine?
14.22 : Sam Carter
Colonel. We are not supposed to answer each other's questions; we have to do it ourselves.
Yours is either the mess hall or Daniel's office.
14.22 : Jack O'Neill
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever.
And no, mine is not the mess hall or Daniel's office. I might go there often (your lab and the gym are on the list too), but I don't spend a lot of my time there.
14.22 : Sam Carter
Aahh, it has to be your office then. A place where you claim you never spend more than an hour if you don't have to. A place that you have established as your least favourite place on the base, because of the amount of paperwork in there. But being the responsible person that you are, you do all of the paperwork anyhow. And we all know how long it can take for you to do that.
Am I right?
It's nice to see that you compare my lab to the mess hall, Sir. I'm honored.
14.23 : Jack O'Neill
Pretty sharp there, Carter. For someone who insisted that we should answer the question ourselves.
And, Carter, what did I say about your sarcasm? You've been too witty for your own good lately.
14.23 : Sam Carter
Well, Sir, what can I say? You've been a bad influence.
And I can't do anything about my wit, Sir. I'm afraid you are just going to have to endure it.
14.24 : Jack O'Neill
See? I told you this would be fun.
You've been enjoying yourself too.
14.24 : Sam Carter
Sir, you might want to be less obvious. Don't smile or frown while reading this. Teal'c is getting more suspicious. And I just can't imagine what would happen if he asked you if something was wrong. Daniel and General Hammond will be on our case too in less than a second. And if that occurs, I will deny my involvement in this. In other words, I will pretend that I don't know what they're talking about and ask you some questions myself.
14.25 : Jack O'Neill
I never pegged you as a traitor, Major.
14.25 : Sam Carter
Only if I have to, Sir. Only if I have to.
14.25 : Jack O'Neill
I'll let you off this time, Carter. But don't expect me to be so generous next time.
Hey, don't you think that this morning was a complete waste of time? Ewan and Perry barely speak to one another. What do you think? What should we do?
14.25 : Sam Carter
Well, Sir, if you did not give up so fast (the session only lasted for 10 minutes) and kicked them out of your office, I'm sure that we could have done something.
14.26 : Jack O'Neill
Carter, I'm not having my office tainted by an awkward and hostile silence. I don't want to hate that place more than I already do.
Besides, I said that I would reschedule the session, didn't I? It was just too early for me to think with my brain.
14.26 : Sam Carter
Understandable.
Ok then. What do you want to do about them?
14.26 : Jack O'Neill
We could always use the old-fashioned way. Lock them inside a closet for 24 hours.
14.26 : Sam Carter
I don't think General Hammond would approve, Sir.
14.26 : Jack O'Neill
What he doesn't know won't hurt him.
14.26 : Sam Carter
Are you suggesting that we go behind his back, Sir?
14.27 : Jack O'Neill
Well, he trusted me to give advice to them, right? He should have known the risk.
14.27 : Sam Carter
And you decided to abuse that trust?
14.27 : Jack O'Neill
Carter, why do you always take all my fun away from me? I'm feeling bad now.
14.27 : Sam Carter
Whoops.
It wasn't my intention to make you feel bad, Sir. What I am trying to say is that there has to be another way to teach them a lesson.
14.27 : Jack O'Neill
I'm listening.
14.28 : Sam Carter
No, you're not. You're reading.
What about asking the rest of SG-9 members for some more insight?
14.28 : Jack O'Neill
My mistake, I was reading, not listening.
That's a good idea. Once this briefing is over, you go and ask them to meet us somewhere. Preferably not in my office.
14.28 : Sam Carter
I will. Let’s use my lab. I'll let you know about the exact time. Do you have any other meetings or appointments today?
14.28 : Jack O'Neill
Not that I know of.
Hey, you said that you're going to have a girls night in with Cassie, aren't you?
14.28 : Sam Carter
Yes, I am. She'll probably be in my house long before I get home. She has my house key, she asked for it the other day, saying that she wanted to use my kitchen to bake something.
14.29 : Jack O'Neill
And you let her use your kitchen?
14.29 : Sam Carter
Sure. Why not?
14.29 : Jack O'Neill
Carter. There's a reason why the word 'teenager' and 'kitchen' don't often exist in the same sentence. Good luck cleaning it.
14.29 : Sam Carter
Cassie is more responsible than that. You should have more faith in her.
Besides, I could always ask for your help cleaning it if she decides to blow up my kitchen.
14.29 : Jack O'Neill
Carter, I'm a Colonel, not a cleaning lady.
14.30 : Sam Carter
You're not?
14.30 : Jack O'Neill
Ha ha. Very funny, Carter.
You had better watch what you eat and drink from now on.
14.30 : Sam Carter
Hey, look. Daniel’s almost finished with his briefing.
14.30 : Jack O'Neill
Yay.
But I'm not distracted Carter. You might also want to watch your back all the time.
14.30 : Sam Carter
I will. Thanks for the warning.
Now, let’s end it here and now. We have a briefing to do.
14.31 : Jack O'Neill
Yes, Ma'am.
***
17.56 : Jack O'Neill
Carter! I've got it.
17.57 : Sam Carter
Whatever it is, I hope it's not contagious, Sir.
17.57 : Jack O'Neill
I starting to hate the new you, you know.
17.57 : Sam Carter
The new me, Sir? What are you talking about?
17.57 : Jack O'Neill
The totally evil Carter who is using this journal as an excuse to torment me. Why can't you just be that good little soldier who respects me?
17.57 : Sam Carter
And miss all this fun? I'm afraid I have to decline the offer, Sir.
Anyway, what is it that you've got, Sir?
17.58 : Jack O'Neill
You really should go and see Fraiser, Carter. Maybe all that hard work has finally scrambled your brain.
What I've got, is an idea to solve the ‘Ewan and Perry problem’. After listening to the other team members, I realized that it was more serious than we first thought. And what better way to solve a serious matter than with a radical way.
17.58 : Sam Carter
My brain is fine, Sir. Thanks for worrying about it though.
And what radical way do you have in your mind?
17.58 : Jack O'Neill
I should have known that the Carter I've known for the last seven years was too good to be true.
The radical way I have in mind is <cue drum roll>: send them to an uninhabited planet and give them some basic necessities only. Leave them there for a week to survive.
I'm quite sure that they will bond nicely.
17.58 : Sam Carter
Sir. I'm sorry to inform you that this idea, to put it bluntly, sucks. There is no way the General would agree to this. Even the 'locking them in a closet' idea has more potential than this one.
And I believe I must point out that you said 'quite sure', not 'positively sure'. Please Sir, if you want to present this idea to Hammond, the least you could do is be really confident about this plan.
17.59 : Jack O'Neill
Hey, Hammond might have okay-ed this idea. You never know if you don’t ask.
And Carter, this idea does not suck; it's original.
17.59 : Sam Carter
With all due respect, Sir, the day General Hammond agrees to this would be the day he has lost his mind.
And how is it an original idea? When was the last time you watched TV, Sir?
17.59 : Jack O'Neill
Carter, they send those people to an island. We'll send them to another planet. What is not original about that?
17.59 : Sam Carter
Sir, I still think that General Hammond would have to be insane to agree to this.
17.59 : Jack O'Neill
We shall see, Carter. We shall see.
I'm going to his office now.
18.00 : Sam Carter
Good luck.
And please let the General know that this was your idea, yours only. I have nothing to do with it.
18.00 : Jack O'Neill
Will do.
***
18.23 : Jack O'Neill
Wohoo!
Hammond is insane.
***
18.36 : Sam Carter
When I read your previous entry, I thought you were joking, Colonel. So I went to the General and asked for confirmation.
The General is insane.
I must agree with you this once. Although you promising him to complete your paperwork by 17.00 tomorrow, as an incentive if he agrees to this plan, has to be taken into consideration.
18.37 : Jack O'Neill
You didn't trust me? I'm hurt, Carter.
And did you suggest that I'm bribing the General?
18.37 : Sam Carter
Don't get me wrong, Sir. I trust you with my life, just not with other things.
And yes, I did suggest that you bribed the General. And that's just pure manipulation, Sir. I know you've almost completed the paperwork anyway. You've been asking for my assistance and Daniel's for the last few days.
18.37 : Jack O'Neill
O'Neill's first lesson in life: Don't waste any opportunity.
18.37 : Sam Carter
My mistake, Sir. I forgot that you are an O'Neill. Yes, that behavior is acceptable when you bear that name.
18.38 : Jack O'Neill
Carter, that's enough. You're ruining my mood.
Can you imagine, seven days without those two troublemakers? It's heaven. Even you can't deny that.
18.38 : Sam Carter
Well, Sir, if you put it that way…
18.38 : Jack O'Neill
Okay, that's settles it then.
We'll send them off-world on Monday. I'll take care of the basic supplies that they will bring with them, while you'll go and inform Ewan and Perry about this right now.
18.38 : Sam Carter
Sir? Don't you like me anymore?
It's a one-way ticket to the grave. They'll tear me apart if I told them about this 'plan'.
18.38 : Jack O'Neill
Carter, do you realize that you were whining like a little girl?
Shoo. Go do your job.
18.39 : Sam Carter
OK. OK. I'll do it.
But don't be surprised if you found my cold and lifeless body in the SGC's corridor somewhere.
18.39 : Jack O'Neill
Don't be such a drama queen. They respect you, Carter. They wouldn't do anything to you. Besides, if they do, you can always kick their butts. You have my permission.
18.40 : Sam Carter
Easy for you to say, Sir. I'm the one who's doing the kicking.
18.39 : Jack O'Neill
I'm sure you kick well.
***
23.53 : Jack O'Neill
Hey, how's your kitchen?
23.53 : Sam Carter
It's fine, Sir. Thanks for asking. I wanted to say 'I told you so', but I guess it's been a long day for you, so I'll spare you this one.
PS: Cassie's blueberry cheesecake is delicious. She said that I should bring some for you tomorrow.
23.54 : Jack O'Neill
I'm ignoring your first paragraph.
Tell Cassie that she's an angel.
Have you told Ewan and Perry yet?
23.54 : Sam Carter
Yes. I dropped them a line.
23.54 : Jack O'Neill
You 'dropped them a line'?
23.54 : Sam Carter
Yes, Sir. With the wonder of the 20th century called e-mail, I dropped them a line. I'm glad to inform you that my self-preservation instinct is still working and in perfect condition. I told them that I only passed on your message, and if they have a problem with it, they should talk to you. Therefore I suggest you find a nice place to hide tomorrow, if you don't want them to bother you.
23.54 : Jack O'Neill
Someday, you'll be the death of me; you know that. I can picture it on my death certificate.
Cause of death: Major Samantha Carter, USAF.
23.55 : Sam Carter
It will be my pleasure to have my name in there, Sir.
23.55 : Jack O'Neill
I feel a headache coming.
Hey, I just wanted to let you know that I don't think we'll have much time to go home tomorrow, so we'll be leaving for dinner straight from the base. Is that alright with you?
23.55 : Sam Carter
Sure. What time we'll be leaving?
23.55 : Jack O'Neill
19.00. If there's no emergency or major incident on the base.
23.55 : Sam Carter
Knowing our luck, well ...
23.55 : Jack O'Neill
You're right. Anyway. I'll see you at the mess hall for breakfast. Don't forget Cassie's cheesecake.
23.56 : Sam Carter
Goodnight, Sir.
23.55 : Jack O'Neill
Goodnight.
Go to His Dog and Her Cat
Beta read by: Rosemary
Back to His and Hers Series
Back to home
Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret productions. No copyright infringement is intended. Please do not post or distribute this story without the author's permission.