(Which makes him a half-saint Nick)

Father Nick aspires to sainthood but has so far been held back by the ignominy of his brief televangelism career and the unexplained appearance of his image in a suspicious stain on a pew at the Church of No Pants. Until sainthood is achieved, he moonlights as…Sorta Claus.

In an attempt to rehabilitate his jolly old elf with the Vatican, Sorta Claus has appeared here on Christmas Day as if by magic, to spread joy and holiday cheer using his superppower of gift-giving. Admittedly, in some instances he has had to also apply an abundance of his other superpowers, forgiveness and mercy, in order to bring himself to leave some halfbakers with gifts substantially better than switches and coal, but in the spirit of the Gift celebrated at Christmas, he feels justified in his benevolence.

We know that Sorta Claus has visited us because beneath the halfbakery Christmas tree we find:

for 1kester: a “Post Pipe” with a one-month subscription to the Carrot of the Month club.

for 1percent: two and a half “Sports Utility Spuds”.

for absterge: a “Random direction chooser,” to help if you ever get lost out there on the road. It should at least help you find your way back here.

for AfroAssault: an “EZ-LandMine” (for the conscientious explosives enthusiast, as well as the conscientious dictator).

for afroman: a stockingfull of “Subliminal ring tones” you can distribute to the teenagers around you, so you won’t have to listen to the audible kind any more.

for -alx: a copy of the “Halfbakery etiquette guide”. Not because you need one, but to fill out your collection.

for amishman35: a set of “Concealed Lightning Rods for Churches.” Huge ones.

for angel: a “lawn mower helicopter” because I’d imagine it’s one type you’ve NOT seen before.

for arghblah: your own personal “Space Nudity Protocol” for comfort on those long trips home.

for Aristotle: one free year on the “Oregon Trail RPG.”

for arora: a complete set of “Mystery Keys and Universal Locks” for when you centrally lock yourself out of your house.

for atomic point dexter: a “pen-on-a-string.”

for babetski: the home version of the “Is It Really a Fish?” game, for help in sorting out what you catch with your artillery.

for badgerbloke: a random gift of your choice from the “Offline Online Pawn Shop.”

for barnzenen: a “baby bidet.”

for BartJan: a year’s supply of “Aftershave/Blood Clotter.”

for benevia: a bushel of “Slice-friendly apples.”

for benfrost: an anonymous work of “Regenerate Art,” because contrast is can be a good thing.

for BigBrother: the political office of your choice in the “’Big Brother’ Election.”

for blamelewis: a “Jimi Hendrix Fire Alarm.” Avoid purple haze inhalation.

for blissmiss: a willy-nilly “UN sanctioned pillow fight” with Sparki.

for blowfish: “Ponytail Fasteners in Holiday Colors,” for use with your wig.

for bluerowan: two and a half “Hope Pods.”

for bookworm: a docketful of “Anti-Valentine’s Day Merchandise.”

for brettjs: a desk-drawer full of “Lazy River Office” supplies.

for bristolz: a “Bread Calculator” that allocates all of your croissants.

for bumgravy: from the ‘random’ bag, a “PCMCIAcomputer.”

for calum: a set of “non-tangling headphones.”

for Canuck: from the ‘random’ bag, two and a half weeks’ worth of “50-Minute Mondays.”

for charlesw: two and a half “Symbiotic Ideas.”

for CoolerKing: a “Stairway to heaven” with which to make your final Great Escape.

for cp: "A round fridge." A retro neighborhood in which Herbie can hang around.

for cswiii: a “self-installing tent peg.” You would have received a whole set, but unfortunately the idea title was written in the singular.

for cryo: a “2x translating browser.”

for Cymor: from the ‘random’ bag, a “Theater sniper,” for your moviegoing pleasure.

for Cynically Depressed: also from the random bag, a flock of “Bonsai Vampires.”

for dana_renay: a “Vacuum Cleaner Yoke for Pets,” to resolve problems created by your cat’s poor table manners.

for dare99: one pair of “Intelligent Shoes,” wherewith thou mayest never again be inconvenienced by inappropriate footwear.

for daruma: a free pass through the “Job interview obstacle course.”

for Debbie: from the random bag, a Martha Stewart™ set of “Smart Sandwich Boxes.” All color-coordinated and stackable. They’re a Good Thing™.

for deef: from the ‘random’ bag, a pair of “’Balance Clown’ Shoes.” Enjoy.

for dj_photon: just taking a random guess, a free day at the “Hand-Stamp Buffet.”

for Dog Ed: “Hat Batteries,” so that your bulb need never dim.

for DrBillH: from the random bag, a two and a half day pass to “the seven wonders of the ancient world” theme park.

for DrBob: An “American Cricket” to feed to your Greys (as in parrots).

for DrFooMasterOf TheUniverse: from the random bag, the Best Of “Answering Machine 60 Second Theater” CD.

for ecobwasa: a “Digital 3D Camera.” Be careful not to create any art with it, though.

for egnor: a 100% nanobot-free “Positive 8 Ball” for your collection.

for finklestein: from the random bag, your very own “Digital Blackboard.” Batteries not included.

for fogfreak: from the random bag, a year’s supply of “Vitamin Spices” and a toast to your health in the new year.

for garlic twins: from the random bag, a “Pedant’s Phone.” Sorry, you’ll have to share it between the two of you.

for GeorgeTheRobin: a “Mood Moustache” to color-coordinate with your badge.

for gizmo: a lovely “Transparent Nosepicker” to help you in annotating ideas.

for gizmo mum: a “Pause Button for Children.”

for gnormal: two and a half “Ball Dogs,” your hero’s greatest invention. And best of all, Tipuét.

for go77: a showdown with UnaBubba, to be filmed and made into a television movie called “Major vs Minor Actors.”

for Gordon Comstock: an invitation to be parade marshal on “Large-Figured Pride Day.”

for Guncrazy: a “Swiss Army Gun.”

for Guy Fox: two and a half weeks in “The Ultimate Job Rotation,” with a job in which you will finally have a need for that attache case.

for Helium: a “Hot Helium Ship,” because what could be better than a hot vehicle made just for you?

for hello_c: some “Cream Cheese Rings” for your airport kiosks.

for hippo: some “Computer Modelling Clay.” Now you can email your creations to the southeast Asian sweatshops that will crank them out by the millions.

for hope: a pair of “Happy Pods.”

For Hoodunnit: a “Shower Writing Kit,” to capture the moment when the inspiration is flowing.

for ironfroggy: from the random bag, a free round trip ticket from Ramallah to Tel Aviv on the “Anti-Suicide train,” just to see if it works.

for JakePatterson: from the random bag, a “Steam-powered pencil sharpener,” for sharpening your steam-powered pencils. WhooooHHooooOOoo! (batteries not included)

for jimithing: one of those newfangled “celebrity alarm clocks,” for when your mom gets famous.

for jutta: a maid who does “No New Windows”. Social Security taxes prepaid (just in case you’re ever nominated for a politically-appointed office).

for kaz: a lucrative “Projectile Burger” franchise, in which to serve your chips.

for Kendal2: The Compleat, Unabridged Manual of “Sign Language ‘Poetry’,” in which ‘orange’ can be rhymed.

for kevins737: a set of “Self-Stirring Stovetops,” to help those overworked cooks.

for king chay: one free drop-off from the pub from “carrymehome.com.”

for kkc4eva: a “Digital Watch Shirt” for when your head watch clashes with your elegant evening wear.

for lewisgirl: a new pair of not-so-self-explanatory “shoes.”

for lobster: a “Catalog of Interesting Mutations.” Check it to see if you have any of the listed mutations. You may be more interesting than you think.

for LoriZ: a year’s subscription to the “Halfbakery advice column.” With luck, this may provide some semblance of mentoring until such is available to the rest of us.

for lubbit: a ticket to the Opening Ceremony of the Spring “Anabolympics,” to see if it’s even more interesting to see mankind trying in this new way to be what we are not.

for magnificat: from the random bag, two and a half gallons of “Temperature Sensitive Paint.” Paint your thermometer.

for maidong: a loaf of "flavored croissants." Stuff some in your pockets at mass to satisfy your flavor cravings.

for Mephista: a walk-on role on “Bewitched TNG.”

for mezig: from the random bag, a “CGA tv,” great for when you throw an 80s party.

for mhh5: one of those newfangled “Wind Energy Dump Stations” to fuel your lawnmower.

for mihali: a “Marriage-Saving Halfbakery Shut-Off Device,” for *temporary* use only, and only when necessary. Also a planeload of “Hug Vouchers” to scatter over Afghanistan or the Middle East.

for mkirksmith: from the random bag, a giant “Wind-Up Car.” What fun!

for Monkfish: a “caffeinometer,” adapted for chocolate, to monitor vital signs and protect against overdoses in your chocolate self.

for morkinator: from the random bag, two and a half tickets to the “Weakest Link Football” championship game. (As a *spectator*)

for mrkillboy: a “WWW. uinthemovies.com” remake of the entire ‘A-Team’ series with mrkillboy as Mr. T and produced and directed by mrkillboy.

for mrthingy: a “Carrot Holster” that you can adapt for bananas until your pouch is commercialized.

for mwburden: from the random bag, a “Smart Radio,” because who wants to listen to a stupid radio anyway?

for nambiar: a “Poetry Microphone.”

for narq: a 2002-model “Mood Car,” so everyone will know when you’ve driven out of range of the cool radio stations you want.

for neelandan: a “Perpetual vacuum cleaner,” for cleaning your vacuum.

for NeverDie: a “Rhetoric Decoder Ring” to play with while we wait for the dawn of the age of honest politicians.

for nick_n_uit: “Copyright reform” aimed at encouraging written works like your research project.

for notripe: the Berlitz series on how to “Speak in Haiku,” for negotiating that Japanese TV contract.

for obliter8: The Newbie Genus edition of “Halfbakery… The Game.”

for ong: a “Segway for Dogs” that your waiters can use.

for oxygon: from the random bag, a baker’s half-dozen “Gentle Touch Headsets.”

for pathetic: a “Snorkel Phone” for testing her.ph underwater.

for Pertinent Oak: from the random bag, a “Wire-fu Exercise Kit.” Keep your wire-fu in shape.

for PeterSealy: a “300psi sauce shooter,” useful for all sorts of remote baking projects.

for phoenix: a “Park Here flag” that says “parking for phoenix only, please.”

for pmillerchip: from the random bag, a book of “lift/elevator scripts” for increased levity in your life-ity.

for po: a “Smashing Honda”.

for PotatoStew: a "Zero Cat Robot," to make your world a safer place for mice.

for pottedstu: an “EggZooka!” And Jamie Oliver’s address.

for prometheus: “Your own dancers,” to fill in for you when (if) the R.W.D.S. breaks down.

for PTS: from the random bag, a complete set of “Porta-walls.” Change is good.

for quarterbaker: a set of "big hug seatbelts," to chase away the lonelies, sometimes.

for Rampant Dysfunction: from the random bag (sort of), a "Screaming Candy Dish" full of "Dental Drops Candy."

for ravanan: a fleet of "Flight-Sim Fighter Planes." Sort of a father/child reunion.

for ravenswood: a “time travel computer game” (Asimov edition).

for Redbrickterrace: from the random bag, a full, global set of "turn maps." Scale 1 inch = 1 inch.

for reensure: a “Fortune Beer” for you at The Pig and Bicycle.

for riposte: one or two "Tails For All," for use in bath tap manipulation.

for RobertKidney: a free lifetime membership on the “Archimedes’ Lever” web site, just because I’m so honored to have made your ‘favorites’ list.

for RobGraham: a “Kid-powered TV.” Perhaps a bit early, but you may need it before next Christmas.

for Rods Tiger: well, sir, you’re quite a difficult one to shop for. So I thought, maybe something for Deli. But the halfbakery’s jewelry and perfume shops are embarrassingly bereft of good ideas. So it came down to the old standby food gift, “Heresy Kisses” and a case of “Glow in the dark beer.”

for RonHamel: from the random bag, a fine assortment of “Legal Code trading cards.” Collect a full suit and you win a…well, see, I’ve already gone and given away the pun.

for rubultra: a pot of “False Gohan” you may serve to your overweight Japanese TV executive friends.

for safetyboy: a "Safety Pond" for your safetygarden.

for salachair: from the random bag, a brand-spanking-new “Calling Card Consolidator.”

for salmon: a starring role on “Television Fish Mode.” Instant celebrity.

for sam: a pair of "Television Subtitle Glasses," with which to read actors' names.

for Sand Jack: an "Instant replay" device, so you can see what you missed while you were working with your PDA.

for sdm: your own personal copy of the “bathbook” edition of the Greatest Story Ever Told.

for seal: from the random bag, a “Rubik’s cube house.” Man, I had a hard time getting that one down the chimney!

for shan’t: from the random bag, a “Color Changing Car!”

for sirrobin: “A REAL Lightsabre.” Should be of enormous use in Conquest.

for snarfyguy: a set of “In-Car Traffic Lights,” so you may never have to listen to the Pastoral Symphony in your car.

for spekkie: from the random bag, marvel of marvels, a “Detachable radio faceplate = cell phone.” What will they think of next?

for spew: also from the random bag, a free round of “night golf.”

for st3f: an all-expense paid visit to “Hard Hat World,” because they let road cones in for free.

for StarChaser: a “velcro wedding.” May you never be separated, nor pushed down stairs.

for Steve DeGroof, creator of New ideas via concatenation: a “Super Deep” “Toilet” “kit,” an “Art” “song” “Laden” “telephone.” and wishes for a “non-lame” “Christmas” “Time.”

for stupop: a contract for the services of a “Theater sniper” on opening night, so the critics may enjoy your opus without distraction.

for Susen: the seat at the head of the table at the “Halfbakers’ Convention,” from which vantage point you can feel all the warmth and bliss of being surrounded by your halfbakery family. In all sincerity, I wish I could give you something more meaningful from the real world to help with holiday loneliness, but that big fat fraud with the white beard and reindeer has an exclusive contract on the real world stuff.

for Sven3012: an “Exer-net.” You’ll need one once your ideas get better and you get addicted to halfbakery. Don’t give up so soon; most of us started off poorly.

for swivel6: a couple of “Face Wigs,” wherewith you can henceforth avoid that faceless feeling on the halfbakery.

for TeaTotal: a “Grandma’s Printer,” for an efficient way to send convincing snail mail to your grandchild(ren).

for The_Englishman_Abroad: “More Nobility” abroad, so you will feel more at home. Or, if you’re abroad in order to escape nobility, a “Surveillance State Tourist Memento,” to always remind you of your time abroad.

for thumbwax: What’s behind door no. 3? It’s your very own “washing wardrobe!”

for TimHighfield: an “Uberhomingpigeon,” with which you can continue to post to halfbakery, even if you’re away from internet access.

for timservo: an “alien abduction hookey kit,” so you can cash in on your misfortune.

For TJ2: a year’s supply of a “Safe Drug,” delivered one day at a time.

for UnaBubba: a “Life outside the halfbakery” (you remember, the way it was when you were actually living all those stories with which you regale us?). It probably won’t take, so I’ve also included an “Old Boy Band” to help commercialize your songs. Soon you’ll be bumping Britney off the charts.

for uniball2: an “Electric Coffee Mug / Cookie Oven,” in which to bake your chewy spectrum cookies.

for Urania: an “Equine Heart Rate Monitor” you can use to show off with at the CW stables.

for waugsqueke: a pair of “Astrogoggles.” Awarded posthumously.

for wess: from the random bag, a halfbaker’s dozen “Donuts in a Can.”

for wiml: a copy of the computer game edition of the “Blair Witch Game Show,” with which you can test your broomstick prototype.

for wood2coal: a “fish guillotine” for after you get that Saharan river flowing.

for zaphod12: tuition for a course in “Faerie Bombing,” so your fairy can pick up some extra work on slow days.

Disclaimer: To the degree possible using available information, Sorta Claus has attempted to select a gift that will be of personal value to each individual halfbaker. Where insufficient information existed, he has made what he hopes is an appealing selection from his bag of random halfbakery morsels. In the case that any halfbaker is dissatisfied, he offers the reminder that “It’s the thought that counts.” Sorta Claus’ list of active halfbakers includes all those posting in the month of December, unless the posting was made after the thread became tiresome (which was immediately for some ideas). He has probably missed someone important, for which he sincerely apologizes.