In Loving Memory of Stephanie Alexandra Smith

In Loving Memory of
Stephanie Alexandra Smith
June 8, 1997 - December 22, 2001

Please visit this very special page ~
Happy Birthday Angel Stephanie!

The gift above for Stephanie is from my dear friend Joyce.

~ Stephanie's Story ~
All about a very special angel named Stephanie Alexandra Smith.

Back in September 1996 I got pregnant finally. I was so happy I was going to have a baby. I had a very easy pregnancy, didn't gain too much weight. I felt great but towards the middle I got this really weird feeling which everyone told me was normal. It was my first but I knew in my heart something was wrong, I just felt it. I kept telling myself I was overreacting, or was I? Anyway, all ultra sounds looked great. I was having a healthy baby, they told me. Then 3 weeks before Stephanie was born, I asked for another ultra sound. I told them I don't feel the baby moving. So they sent me to take a level 2 ultra sound, and they said she had a cyst on her left side of her brain. She will be fine, they will take care of it when she was born.

Well, on June 8, 1997 I went into labor, 3 weeks premature. Stephanie Alexandra Smith was born weighing 4lbs 3 oz. after 16 hours of labor.

Stephanie was purple they said. She didn't cry when she was born, she squeaked. I was so scared; I kept asking, is she ok is she ok? They didn't tell me anything. They rushed her onto blow by oxygen, to doctors medical centers, nicu, and there they told me that she was miroceplic she has only 5% of her brain and she would probably die in a few days. No I refuse to believe it! The baby that I wanted so much is not going to die. She looked so perfect, so beautiful, so fragile...

I held her and stayed by her side, finally I told the doctor, I want to take my baby home. And they told me I would have to learn to gavage feed her which meant to put a tube down her throat to feed her every two hours. We did but we also worked real hard on the sucking of the bottle and she learned. It wasn't easy. I had to stimute her mouth to get her to suck. I fed her nothing but breast milk. I also had to learn to draw medication because while in the hospital she starting having seizures all together. To make my story a little shorter, Stephanie was on about 15 different medications and dietary supplements that was three times a day she needed to be fed. Every three hours all though her life. My goal was to prove these doctors wrong. Stephanie was going be a miracle, and if I had to stay up for days without sleep to keep her thriving I would. And I did. And yes at times I thought I would fall asleep and never wake up, but Stephanie kept me going.

Stephanie gave me a changed attitude that I can do anything. I knew who Stephanie was; she couldn't talk, she didn't walk, but I knew by the sounds of her voice and her body language. I knew what she needed. I knew when her tummy hurt. I knew when her ears hurt. I knew her better than I knew myself probably. Month after month Stephanie got sick with pneumonias. She would get better, then she'd get sick and then she'd get better... then finally they told me one of the times while she was up at ucsf that if I got a g-tube placed in her stomach, she would be better off. We were so desperate at that time that we did. At first I thought it was a mistake 'cause she couldn't swallow no more. But she overcome that too.

Stephanie was requiring more oxygen at two years old; she couldn't leave home without it. She needed more suctioning too so I had to carry that with us too. Stephanie was gaining weight 'cause of all the medication she was on. She was becoming heavy but that was ok. And when Stephanie was two I had a bouncing baby girl named Jessica Sharlyn who is perfectly healthy. But with Stephanie, I was building muscle. At age 3 she needed to be cathed on and off 'cause she would hold her pee for long periods of time which was the cause of her frequent uti’s. I think that was my most challenging. I was scared to death but I did it.

This is a loving gift to Angel Stephanie from my dear friend, Carol, mom to Angel Michael.

The injections were also tough for me to give mentally when she had pneumonia on and off. I didn't want Stephanie in the hospital so I was doing this at home 'cause I can give her the care she needed promptly. The doctors did what I wanted basically. Oh sure, they wanted me to put her in a home but no way would I! That was my baby and I was going take care of her.

Stephie loved her premie pal.

Stephanie also loved her bells. She had a wrist bracelet that had bells on it.

Stephanie's favorite color is purple. Her mom picked it for her because she always looked good in purple, that was her color.

Stephanie loved toys that she can make sounds. There was this one toy that was round and had all kind of shapes. Her favorite was the joystick; though her eyes would be close she know were it was.

Stephie liked when I would sing her her special song. It went like this -- Your my Stephie, yes, you are. Your my Stephie, yes, you are. And yes, you will, and yes, you do and yes, I am. 'Cause your my Stephie, yes, you are.....
Then I would sing to her, you are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skys are blue ... please don't take my sunshine away.

Stephie loved to be held but her favorite was her back patted. She would hold her head up so high like she was queen of the hill. Well she was; she was queen of my heart.

Then the year I would never forget, 2001. I was pregnant with our third child, Madison Hope. On Friday December 21, 2001, Kirby and I finally got married. We were supposed to have this big wedding on Saturday the 22nd, but little Maddy was coming on the day. The doctor and I decided to do a c-section 'cause I was spotting and I was having contractions on and off. Anyway, after Thanksgiving, Stephanie became dependent on the ventilater which I didn't think anything of 'cause she'd get on it and she'd get off. But this time it was different. Her breathing scared me.

On Friday, December 21st we got married. Something just said, just let's do it. So we did, and that night I went into Stephanie's room and held her hand, told her I loved her, kissed her face, hugged her. She grabbed my hand and squeezed it real hard and opened her eyes real wide, looked at me. Stephanie hardly opened her eyes as she got older. I can see the pain and suffering in her eyes, and my heart hurt so much. I will never forget that pain. It ached so much. I cried and cried, and for 4-1/2 years I told Stephanie that there were no angels waiting for her; that she couldn't leave me tonight. But that night, I don't know... I told her there were angels everywhere... Stephanie, I love you.

I begged her not to leave me, but I also told her it was ok. I don't know why I said that, I just did. I grabbed the stethoscope and her lungs sounded like a river running though it. I cried and cried. I opened up her Christmas present which was a little doll angel that talked and sat it by the head of her bed.

And daddy brought home an angel stone which was a worry stone. I placed it in Stephanie's hand, and she held it. She was breathing like she was under water. It was so scary. There was an in-delling cath in her at the time, and for the past 24 hours she was not peeing, which really scared me. I knew it was bad but I guess I just thought she would come around like always. She got sick she got better...

Stephanie was on morphine for the last few days so she wouldn't be in any pain. I didn't want her to hurt. The doctors wanted me to give her a certain amount every hour but I just couldn't, so I gave her less 'cause I knew the side effects to morphine and it scared me. It was like I didn't want her to hurt but I also didn't want her to stop breathing. Anyway she was on about 17 liters of oxygen at that time. I had a hard time getting any sleep that night but I knew I had to rest to have this baby the next day. So I had the night nurse there to watch over her that night. On December 22, 2001, I kissed Stephanie on the cheek at 5:00 in the morning. Her oxygen sat was good, and she looked ok. Her color was really good. I kissed her and told her I will be back, Stephie girl, with your new baby sister... and that's the last time I saw my sweet baby girl alive and warm.

I had a very happy morning, had a very beautiful baby girl named Madison Hope Smith. Later that evening I told Kirby to go home and check on Stephanie, and he did. I received a phone call about 3:30 p.m. from Stephanie's doctor. I answered the phone and said, "Hello," and she asked me am I ok? I said, "Yes, I am just worried about Stephanie peeing. She needs to pee." And all she says is I don't have to worry about that anymore. I said what are you talking about? She says Stephanie is now a little girl who is free. I stopped and asked her what she was talking about. She said Stephanie is in heaven. All I remember is crying and screaming saying, "No, not my Stephie!"

Stephanie died in her daddy's arms the day that Madison Hope was born. Happy morning and a unforgettable afternoon. My mind is kind of blank. I remember on December 29th, the day we buried her, I remember coming out there in the cemetery and seeing the hole where she now rests. I never really thought of a cemetery as people under the ground, but that day I remember seeing that hole where they put my beautiful girl, and I just went into shock. I don't remember much after that... they say with time it will come back. I miss my sweet Stephie girl so much my heart aches. We were so close. She didn't sleep in her own bed until she was 3. She always slept by my side 'cause I was always scared that I wouldn't hear her when she needed me. Then I finally received a monitor which helped me sleep better.

Stephanie's family, they all miss her so much!

They made sure to include Angel Stephanie in this picture.

Stephanie's sister, Marcelyn Faith.

JOY IN HEAVEN

Listen...can you hear it?
A heavenly choir sings.
Another little angel
Just got her set of wings.
There's joy and there is shouting
As she steps through heaven's gate.
They all lined up to greet her.
All the angels celebrate.
Her eyes are shining brightly
And a smile lights her face,
As she receives her halo
And takes her special place.
She's the smallest little angel
With the biggest kind of love.
She's wiser than an owl
And more peaceful than a dove.
And though there's joy in heaven,
There is sorrow down below.
broken hearts are crying
Since they had to let her go.
So she watches them from heaven
But she knows the time will come,
They will join their precious daughter
When their work on earth is done
~ Author Unknown

Our Christmas Angels

LOOKING DOWN FROM HEAVEN

I'm looking down from Heaven Mommy
I don't like to see you cry
I remember how you loved me
I did not want to say good-bye.

I don't ever get very lonely
At night Jesus rocks me to sleep
I play with the other little angels
From cloud to cloud we leap.

There's a new little angel here
His mommy is very sad
Her heart is surely broken
And like you, she hurts so bad.

Could you do something for me Mommy?
If it's not to much to ask?
You were always so gentle and kind to me
So I know you are up to the task.

You see, I'm trying to help this angel
He misses his Mommy so
And as we look down together from Heaven
There's something you should know.

We will soon be all together
But there is time to pass till then
Could you hold her a little while
And try to be her friend?

We don't like to see you crying
Up here in Angel Land
So instead of pointing fingers
Could you please just take her hand?

It will make us both feel better
As we look down from up above
If you all are holding up each other
And remembering us with love.
~ Author unknown

Christmas Angels 2006

With Love In Memory of Sweet Stephanie
The Little Sunshine
Ann, Laurasmom

For Stephanie
Your sweet angel has touched my heart
May you always feel her sweet kisses all the way from heaven

MOMMY AND DADDY

I'm in the arms of an angel
Look at how I shine from Heaven
My pain and my sorrow is gone
I'm waiting to see you again
Mommy and Daddy
Thank you For holding me and loving me
I am yours forever and ever
I send you my angel kisses until we meet again.

With My Love and sharing your tears of sorrow
Ann, Laurasmom

Please visit Christmas ~ The Season of Hope
And please also visit Stephanie's Quilt Page

And to visit another beautiful quilt page for Stephanie, please click on the banner below ~

Goodnight, my angel
Time to close your eyes
And save these questions for another day
I think I know what you've been asking me
I think you know what I've been
Trying to say
I promised I would never leave you
And you should always know
Wherever you may go
No matter where you are
I never will be far away

Goodnight, my angel
Now it's time to sleep
And still so many things I want to say
Remember all the songs you sang for me
When we went sailing on an emerald bay
And like a boat out on the ocean
I'm rocking you to sleep
The water's dark and deep
Inside this ancient heart
You'll always be a part of me

Goodnight, my angel
Now it's time to dream
And dream how wonderful
Your life will be
Someday your child may cry
And if you sing this lullabye
Then in your heart
There will always be a part of me

Someday we'll all be gone
But lullabyes go on and on
They never die
That's how you And I Will be
"Lullabye (Goodnight My Angel)" Billy Joel