OurStory.html

It was July 21st of 1998 when I found out I was pregnant, it was the best day of my life, I was so happy because I really wanted a baby even though I wasn't really trying. I think I had known it for some time but I wasn't really sure, my periods had never really been normal. I was so excited and happy, all I could do was cry. I took a home pregnancy test and I didn't believe it at first, so I called a girlfriend of mine and she told me that pregnancy tests were pretty accurate. I immediately got off the phone, grabbed the positive pregnancy stick and drove to where my fiance was working. He was so happy, we were both so happy, WE WERE HAVING A BABY!!!!! I went to see my doctor the next day and he confirmed my pregnancy, I was 6wks pregnant and was healthy....everything was great.

September came and it was time for my first ultrasound, I was so excited to finally get to see my little bitty baby. Of course we didn't see a whole lot because he was still so tiny, but what we did see made my heart melt, and we got to hear his heartbeat. The following week I had to go see my doctor so he could tell me how the ultrasound came out. (they were checking the baby's measurements) He told me that they saw a dent in the top of our baby's head, but he told me not to worry, it might be just a shadow or maybe even the soft spot. I was scared but I didn't let it bother me, I was determined to have a healthy baby and didn't want to get all upset over nothing. I kept thinking though, was it really just nothing? My doctor said that when the baby got a little bigger, we'd do another ultrasound. I thought ok and started down the merry path of pregnancy.

Well October came and I was 16wks pregnant, it was time for the AlphaFetaProtein (AFP) test, no problem, after all, it was just another blood test. I waited I think 2 or more weeks to get the results back. My doctor called me to go back to his office so he could tell me the results, they were not what any expectant mother wants to hear. The results were abnormally high, which could mean a couple different things, either the baby's due date was off a bit ,multiple pregnancy or spina bifida. Well I wasn't having twins, we already knew that much. My doctor set up an appointment at Savannah Perinatology for me and my fiance Jason to have genetic counseling and further tests. I was so scared, I couldn't believe this was happening to us, I knew in my heart then something was wrong and all I could do was pray.

It was October 28th when we went to our appointment in Savannah, we will never forget that day, the day we were to find out our little baby would not live. The day started out fairly good even though I was scared and was pretty sure the news they had to give us would not be good. We got there and spoke with the genetics counselor. Before she finished I was crying, she said that our baby may have a birth defect, neither myself or Jason have a history of birth defects in our families so I didn't understand how this could happen. We finally went in and had our high tech ultrasound done and that's where the doctors confirmed that our baby had anencephaly. A defect that occurs in the first month of pregnancy, and there's nothing known that causes it and no way to prevent it. Anencephaly is a neural tube defect, where the spine doesn't close at the base of the neck. This news of course was very hard for us to accept, I just wanted to leave then and be alone with Jason and our precious baby. The counselor asked us if we wanted to terminate, I immediately said no, that was not an option, I wanted to keep my baby safe within me until it was time for him to go.

It may have been selfish, but I loved him dearly and still do very much . Jason and I went home and cried in each others arms. It was hopeless, there was nothing I could do to save our baby, I felt so small, like the world was closing in around me. We told our families and they were just as heartbroken as we were and also supported our decision to carry our baby to term or atleast try. We found out on that horrible day in Savannah that our baby was a boy, atleast there was some good news, we decided to name him Caleb Michael, it means brave and it fit him perfectly. I had a normal pregnancy, no problems at all. The first couple of months after we found out Caleb had anencephaly, were kind of spent in mourning, I wanted my baby so bad and didn't know if I could live without him. It soon got to the point where I couldn't cry anymore and started making the best of my pregnancy. I would play with my little one while he was inside me, I would talk to him and I would sing to him, I feel in my heart that he could understand us, maybe that's stupid, but I feel he really did. My love for this little life Jason and I created grew more and more with each passing day, I couldn't wait to see his little face but I also dreaded it because I knew he would not live long, if at all. My due date was April 3rd, I was both excited and scared. I had no clue what was going to happen, this was our first baby. As the due date of our baby approached, we decided to pick out a little outfit for him, after all it would be the only outfit we would ever see him in. My parents were due to come down on March 27th and stay for a few weeks after the baby was born. We just kept patting my belly and told him to wait for grammy and grampa to get here. And he did just that, because on March 29th, just 2 days after my parents got here at about 3:00pm, I went into labor. I stayed home until about 8:30 that evening and finally had to go to the hospital. I had been dilated to 2cms for 2 wks and was still only at 2. My water never broke so my doctor had to break it for me at 12:00pm the following afternoon. My labor was very long and tiring. Thanks to the pain meds, I finally got some sleep. The nurses had also put pitocin in my IV to speed up my dilation and by 1:00pm, I was trying to push our baby out. I pushed for an hour and couldn't push anymore, I was so tired I kept falling asleep, and even though my sleeping time felt like hours, it was only minutes and I would wake to another contraction. My doctor decided our baby was not coming out unless he had some help, so he decided to try and use forceps. The very last thing I remember is the anesthesiologist coming at me with needles, I asked if they would make me sick, he said no, all is blank from there, I was out cold but I was still talking, they tell me I was talking about kittens, I remember none of this. The forceps didn't work in romoving our baby, his shoulders were too broad, so my doctor had to take him out with his hands, even then he couldn't grip him well because his head was flat on top, all he had to grip was our baby's face. Finally at 2:05pm our Caleb was born, weighing 6lbs 11ozs and was 18inches long. Our precious son had also passed away on his long journey from my body. I didn't awake until 45 minutes after the birth, when I woke, my mother was asking me if I wanted to hold my baby, I didn't even realize he had been born yet, due to the drugs. I had a hard time holding him at first, which really frustrated me, I needed to spend as much time as possible with my little angel.

I couldn't believe how beautiful he was!! He was so big, with such big hands and chubby cheeks, I couldn't believe this precious baby came from me. We got to hold our baby for 4hrs before calling the funeral home, we had a pastor from the Baptist Church say a blessing, we took tons of pictures it was great that we had this time with our son. The caretaker came and took our baby and I went to my room, it was all like a dream to me, I wasn't comprehending that Caleb was really gone. It hit me when it was time to leave the hospital, I wasn't taking Caleb home with me, I cried and cried, it wasn't right, I couldn't leave the hospital without taking my baby with me. I left the hospital empty, no baby, no bulging belly, what was I gonna do now? We had Calebs funeral that Thursday, I never felt so heartbroken in my whole life. We had him cremated and his remains were put into a little cherub urn that we now keep in our living room so he can be with us always. I still have my bad days when I can't get him off my mind and I'd rather have him here, but atleast I know that where he is, I don't have to worry about him and he is very loved by all. He has made such a difference in my life, he has made me realize the importance of life, not just the life of babies but of all living things and creatures. He is truly an ANGEL.

Where would you like to go??

You are listening to "My heart will go on"By: Celine Dion