gensym87's HIV story

HIV & AIDS

Hello... HIV & AIDS affects us all, some more than others... Finding out that I was positive had a huge impact on my life. I found out I was infected about three years ago, after living in a state of total denial for two years.

In July of 1993 I received a letter from an ex-boyfriend, whom I had hung out with and used drugs with while in high school (circa 1990). The letter said that he had tested positive and was very sorry that he had probably infected me also. It was also his suicide note. He was terrified of dying and, after watching his mom die slowly from lung cancer 5 yrs earlier, he had no intention of dying slow. So he opted for the easy way out.

I was devastated. Both from realizing that he was gone and the possibility that I might be infected as well. I got tested right away, but the result was inconclusive. Rather than get retested, I went into total denial. I was in college at the time, and I used my classes as an excuse for researching HIV, without having to admit to myself the real reason for my sudden obsession.

I wrote two papers that year; one on how the prison systems handled positive inmates, and the other on the effectiveness of needle exchange programs in preventing the spread of HIV among the IV drug user population. I read book after book, watched anything on TV, searched the net and kept up with the medical breakthroughs, all without wanting to admit that I was probably infected.

Finally, I did get retested and yes the result was positive. Well I still wasn't prepared to accept that. Instead, I got angry at myself; for doing drugs, for sharing needles, for ever having sex at all. "I should have known better...been more careful...been more insistent..."and on and on.

In the last year I have been really trying to work through all my anger and regret associated with my drug abuse and some other stuff. It hasn't been easy for me, but I know I need to put it all behind me. I may have been straight for the last seven years but I had never really forgiven myself for using in the first place.

Now I have turned back to my creative side (after ignoring and denying it for several years) as a way to help me work through my emotions instead of denying them; and I am using the internet as a forum for my work. Maybe I can help someone else along with myself. I have lived passively with HIV for over eight years, now I'm living in spite of it and using it to help me grow as a person and an artist.

That's my story...Everyday I get up, and live, and work, and play; but I alway's remember that I am now also living with HIV for better or worse till death... Some days are easier than others; but I have decided that I will not give up, I will fight until the end.

Below are some great links that provide personal stories about this disease and its impact on us all.

Stories